Category: life

life

When the House Burns Down

A Graceful Catastrophe

The other day, I was chatting with a dear friend. I was updating her on the most recent news of this catastrophe when she said something that absolutely hit home. She said, “When you burn down the house, you don’t have a say in what happens to the ashes.”

Today, I was talking with another dear and wonderful friend. I was also updating her on where my mind is and she came up with this analogy. If you’re drunk driving with your best friend in the car, and you get in an accident where the best friend is killed, you have massive amounts of guilt and emotional trauma to deal with. And you also go to jail. There are consequences for actions, no matter how badly you may feel about your actions after the fact.

A month ago, when I was visiting a friend out of state, one of her friends helped me create an account on a dating app. Since then, I have gone out on dates with 4 different men, 2 of which were a complete bust. The other 2 dates were wonderful and we’ve gone on more dates since. If you’d like details on those dates, I’m more than happy to share them with you. I am telling you this for two reasons: 1.) I am not ashamed, and 2.) my ex’s verbal and emotional abuse no longer have power over me. I have been threatened by my (ex) husband that he is going to tell everyone what I am doing so I just may as well beat him to the punch and take away his power. He cannot control me anymore. *shrug*

I am choosing to live my life – my single life – as I see fit. My ex is no longer a person I know, nor trust. He’s a stranger to me. Yet, in many ways, he still behaves in all the ways I recognize – as just tonight he showed that ugly side of himself to me again. He tries to manipulate me with his words and his physical presence, he tells me that he talks with girlfriends of mine who, behind my back, are judging me and supporting him. While I am glad he is being supported, his attempts at manipulating me by using my friends, fall upon deaf ears. Whatever world he is painting, I no longer have to be a part of, and I’m completely shuttered off to him.

He no longer has power or control over me – and it’s destroying him. I think he has always equated love with emotional manipulation. It was how he was raised. He knows no better. He doesn’t understand why I won’t stop what I am doing and just give him a chance – even though I tell him repeatedly that I do not believe his words are genuine. And his actions back me up.

Tonight, I was threatened in a number of ways and every time I told him that he was threatening me, he appeared clueless. My ex is spiraling fast, and is trying so hard to take me down with him, but I am stronger than that.

I am thankful for my girls, my constant stream of support, that help me process my emotions. For years I fell into my ex’s manipulative traps. Now, when I feel myself starting to fall for his angry and manipulative attempts, I have my girls to sound off to, and they remind me of who I am.

I am strong. I do not owe him anything. And I especially do not need to give him my time when it is spent with him attacking me and trying to manipulate my feelings. Stressful situations help people reveal their true colors. For the most part, I have chosen to live life through this catastrophe with grace and understanding. While this blog might be filled with a bit more drama than it is grace, I felt I need to lay it all out there. I have friends dealing with guilt and emotional manipulation and I’m sure many more of you are, as well.

If you dealing with any negativity, hear my words. You owe nothing to anyone, not even your time. You do not need to put up with any guilt trips, any attempts at emotional blackmail, any attacks to your character. You are doing the best you can with the cards dealt to you. Own your strength and shut down the other person’s negativity by being completely shut off to it – do not feed into it! If you do not acknowledge it, you do not give it power. Tell the other person, over and over, that they no longer have control over you and you will not be manipulated anymore. It is not your problem how others react to your behavior.

It is not my problem how my ex chooses to respond to my behavior. I am being upfront and honest with him, answering all of his questions with truthful statements. I am not betraying him. I am not attacking him. I do not lie (daily) straight to his face. We are here today because of a complete disregard, by him, of his vows, and his family.

On March 17th, 2019, at 6:08 pm, my marriage broke. It ended. I no longer have a husband and haven’t for just about exactly 2 months now. It’s been 8 and a half weeks. The man I once thought I knew, the man I desperately tried to see, the one that was loyal and honest, stopped existing then. And the one I see now, the disloyal, manipulative, selfish, willing to do and say whatever it takes to get what he wants person, is now in his shoes.

And he wants me to be friends with him. This “new” guy my ex thinks he is wants me to contemplate a future with him. He says he wants to fight for us, to fight for me. And in the same moment, barely a second later, he threatens and verbally attacks me.

Interesting why I wouldn’t be open to being vulnerable and giving that guy a second chance. *eyeroll*

I refuse to be vulnerable. I refuse to indulge him by being a willing participant on his roller coaster ride. I refuse to be emotionally manipulated and verbally attacked.

I refuse.

Our broken family was not caused by me being unwilling to give him a second chance. Our broken family was caused by his selfish and narcissistic behavior. Our broken family was caused when he decided to join Ashley Madison and sleep around on every business trip he went on rather than put in any honest effort into making a failing marriage work.

He burned down this house.

Now I’m cleaning up the ashes in the way that I see fit.

Perhaps I am emotionally closed off – not only to him, but to others as well. I am riding my own roller coaster ride and am incredibly vulnerable from one second to the next, as I deal with the messy residue staining my life. I surely do not need to make myself vulnerable to a man who continues to attack and abuse me.

I am stronger than that.

So, if you have any opinions that you’d like to share as to how I should be cleaning up the ashes of my house that was purposely burned down, please, share them with me. Also understand that in doing so, I may close myself off to you, too, to protect myself.

I will not allow myself to be attacked by anyone. Ever. Again.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go wash the soot off my hands.

life

Embrace the Suck

A Graceful Catastrophe

I am currently separated from a man who is seemingly entirely different from the one I was once married to. This guy is everything I’d hoped my husband could’ve been. He’s vulnerable, thoughtful, insightful, reflective, and genuinely kind.

It only took him hitting rock bottom, making incredibly selfish and hurtful decisions, day in and day out for almost a year, and then losing his family for him to wake up. That’s what he calls it – that he’s had an awakening.

When I first told people what’d happened, and that I was leaving my husband because of it, I also said that I had no idea what that meant for us. Some days I told people that there was no way I would give my marriage a chance again. Other days I responded with not knowing if this would be permanent or if some day, down the road, we’d try to make our marriage work again. The most insightful and loving of people responded with three common replies:

  • you do not have to make any decisions right now,
  • you have to do what’s right for you and your family and only you know what that means, and
  • I support you with whatever decision you make, even if it is to take him back.

I have some pretty incredible people in my life. The lack of judgement shown by the family and friends that surround me has been vitally important to me while I’m on this journey. I’m on a roller coaster and how I feel from one minute to the next varies so significantly that I sometimes think I’m no longer even remotely sane.

Every time I feel the most unbalanced, I reach out to my community. I am not shy about what is going on in my life and because of that, I have people ready to lift me up from every corner of my world. I have been embraced with unconditional love and understanding from “my people.” They are helping me ride this wave and process through all the emotions so that I can reach a logical decision on what it is I want to do moving forward.

I still don’t know.

There’s a lot of work that has to be done between here and there. And I’m so thankful this is not a decision I have to make quite yet. There are still so many emotions clouding my vision that now is not the time to think about anything past today.

So I take it all one moment at a time. That’s probably one of my biggest takeaways from the last 7.5 weeks. I am much better now at not having expectations. I’m much better at just living in the moment and enjoying what this second is bringing me. And I’m also much better at understanding that, while maybe this second sucks, it won’t forever, so keep breathing through it.

I also know that I know nothing. I think I may know something, but, as it turns out, I don’t. And boy, is that ever a freeing feeling! And the only thing that is certain is that nothing is ever certain. Everything is capable of being susceptible to change. And every person is, too. If they truly want to change.

By living with grace and understanding, it turns out my daughter isn’t the only one watching. I am not only showing her how to not hit walls when she’s angry and hurt, I’m showing my (ex) husband, too. And he’s actually seeing it. *mind blown*

He’s got a long road ahead, one of intense healing for the broken, sad little boy that lives within him. And I think he just might be ready to embark on his journey.

You see, if you surround others with love, while holding them accountable, amazing transformations can occur. I’ve seen it all around me. I’ve heard story after story from women who have sent me private messages that they, too, have survived marital affairs and their marriages are now better than ever. I used to have all sorts of judgments and opinions on how a person should behave under certain circumstances. I no longer do. Humans are a truly remarkable species. We’re capable of so much that defies logic. We’re capable of anything that we really, truly, honestly want to achieve. Remind yourself of that. Highlight that sentence. Write this on a sticky and place it on your bathroom mirror: I am powerful.

Mind over matter.

Mindset is everything.

I don’t know yet if we will be one of those positive statistics of a renewed and rekindled marriage but I do know the man my ex is today is not the man he was 2 months ago. And I am not the person I was 2 months ago, either. Both of those versions of ourselves are dead. And who he becomes after this catastrophe, who I become, is up to no one other than ourselves. It hasn’t been easy but I am proud for how I’ve handled myself through this catastrophe. Broken hand, emotional meltdowns, and all. Because I’ve tried, over and over for the last 60 days, to take the high road, to give grace to someone who hadn’t shown that he deserves it.

He’s showing he deserves it now. So while I make no promises, while I am still riding this wave, I will continue to do so with the purest of love and grace that I can muster. I started to behave this way for my daughter but as time goes on, I realize it’s so much bigger than that.

And today, at this part of my journey, I am hopeful. I guess what I’m hopeful for, at the very core of it all, is that my ex can find a way to release the pain he has harbored for well over 3 decades, that he can be genuinely happy on the inside, and that he can begin to reflect that out into the world.

If all of us choose to dig deep, to find true happiness within, then the wave we ride is a bit less tumultuous, isn’t it? When we approach life, and others, with nothing more than genuine love and grace in our hearts, then everyone wins. Life is a bit sweeter. Interactions purer. Hearts fuller.

I choose to live my life like this. Intentionally filled with grace.

Of course I’ll have moments where I let the emotions get the best of me. I’m still a work in progress, still very human. Living with intentional grace takes effort. It’s a skill. As is choosing happiness. And with any skill, it improves with practice. So I will continue my practice and when I make mistakes, I’ll then give myself grace. And continue moving forward.

Because there is no other option but to learn from all of these moments that form my life and use them to improve myself, down to my soul.

My life is a work in progress and I want to be proud of my work. At 38, I didn’t picture my life looking like this. And when I say that, I don’t mean it in the negative. I’ve never felt like my life has had more meaning. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived a more authentic and free life than I am right now. Despite the pain, the emotional roller coaster, the crash of waves changing my direction with every strong gust of wind, I’ve honestly never felt so good.

Whatever happens in this marriage, whether we file the paperwork and legally separate or end up trying to make it work, I know the decision will not be made lightly by either of us. And no matter the decision, it will be the one that works best for the two of us.

For now, everything is too unsettled to make a decision. So that portion of life is paused while things get sorted through. And I am okay with that.

I know many of you are struggling with your own roller coaster, you’re riding your own waves that are crashing down upon you and you have no idea how to keep your head out of water long enough to breathe. I’m also guessing that so much of how you’re feeling is because of how you think you’re supposed to respond because of society’s expectations on you and the expectations you have for yourself.

Let go. Hit the pause button.

Accept the way you feel right now. Honor how you feel because exactly how you feel is how you’re supposed to be feeling. If you fight it, or if you think you can’t behave a certain way because of how others would rather you feel or act, then you aren’t accepting the lesson. This journey is yours and yours alone. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for how you feel. It sucks? Breathe in the suck. Acknowledge how badly it sucks. When others try to be the ray of sunshine and you aren’t feeling it, let them know you’d rather them just rain with you. What the “hail,” maybe even have a full out storm with you (get it? get it? Sometimes you just have to laugh. *cracking up laughing over here*). You can only walk this journey the way you know how to best. And you do know how, you’re just fighting it. Embrace the suck: it is powerful and meaningful and will fill your life with grace and love. If only you let it.

And remember, you are walking this path for you and no one else. Those that genuinely love you will understand that and will be there at any moment you need them. You are never alone, even when you feel the most isolated. So lean on them as needed and without guilt – nothing has helped me more over the last 60 days than my community and the kindness of strangers.

Choose to live out loud. Choose happiness. Choose to learn and grow. Choose to live with intentional grace and love. Then continue to practice everyday, giving grace to yourself when you’ve had a “less than” response.

Remember, mindset is everything and you are powerful enough to control your destiny. Dig deep and live with intentional grace and love. For yourself, for those you love, and for strangers you randomly pass as you live your life.

Look for the good that is all around you. Life is beautiful. Even through the suck. So go ahead and embrace it and then watch how your life transforms.

life

Untangling Christmas Lights

A Graceful Catastrophe

Picture Christmas lights. You pull out a messy bundle that you thought you’d carefully wrapped up and put away the previous year. The first step is to plug them in, to see if they all light up. They don’t, of course. So then you have to start untangling them. At long last, after a stupid amount of agonizing minutes, the strand is free of tangles! You finally have a perfectly straight strand of lights. Yes! But where on earth is that one lousy bulb that’s making the whole blasted section short out?! Forget it! Rather than take the time to find the bloody thing, after you’ve just spent way too much time trying to straighten it all out, you just throw the whole strand away. It’s a lost cause.

That’s quite how I feel tonight. Trying to process my emotions right now feels like a lost cause. For the last hour or so, I just sat in silence, thinking. I was going nowhere with that, so I decided to grab my computer and just start writing.

I am doing my best to honor my emotions, to ride the wave and feel them all. On days like today, though, that is almost impossible. I want to bury them so that I can process my world logically. And then leave the emotions shoved in a box, buried deep in my soul. There are just too many to handle right now. And they’re all twisted together.

Like tangled, broken Christmas lights.

Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with honoring that? At least for a moment.

What do I know? I don’t have the answers. I’m just trying to live the best life that I can live, one moment at a time, now that I’m in the “after” portion of the catastrophe that upended my world.

But the truth of the matter is, there’s still a wave that I’m riding. Whether or not I tightly pack my emotions and bury them, they aren’t going away. I guess I just have to try to process them, so let’s take a minute and talk about today.

Today was…well, today was difficult. Those are the only words I have to describe today.

There is so much going on inside of me right now.

My mind is swirling.

My heart is racing. I can actually feel it hammering in my ears.

Today was my daughter’s birthday party to celebrate her 9th birthday. And it was a huge success. There was so much laughter and squealing from the kids, great conversation was taking place as I took a moment to quietly survey the party, and everyone seemed to be enjoying the food and drinks. The decorations were on point, the cake was incredibly decorated, and the bounce house was obviously a huge hit. With help from my parents, my (ex) husband and I threw another great party.

It’s what we do.

Wait…it’s what we did?

*sigh*

Moment. By. Moment.

I can’t live any other way right now.

I get lost when I try to.

I have a dear friend, rather like a soulmate, a sister, who checked in on me late tonight. She experienced probably the most significant loss a person could go through, went through such unimaginable pain, that she knew the significance on my emotions today would have. She could empathize with what exactly celebrating my daughter’s birthday would feel like for me. She just knew that today would be an incredibly difficult one.

So she sent me a message. Affirming me. Loving me. Reminding me that I am a great mom and that today was about making wonderful memories for my daughter. And together, my ex and I did exactly that. I gave nobody any clue that both last night and this morning sucked or that I was having an internal battle because of it – today wasn’t the time for that. Yet, she knew. She doesn’t even live in the same state that I do! And she knew. It was the most meaningful moment of the day for me.

I am well aware that milestones, even little ones, are going to be hard for a while. I’m thinking it is because those milestones are no longer going to occur the way I’d always envisioned them. Even when they seemingly do.

I’m tangled because today was so normal. Too normal. The party was flawless. Anyone who didn’t know what the last 7 weeks has looked like for me, for us, didn’t have any inkling that our marriage was broken. He hosted. I hosted. It’s just what we do. Today’s milestone was successfully – and normally – celebrated. But nothing is normal right now.

So, when everything seems perfectly happy and wonderful and normal, I find myself getting lost. Everything about living “normally” as a family takes monumental intention and discipline. Almost every move, every conversation, even every smile has to be calculated.

I am currently trying to live in a hyper-focused state because I’ve found that when I don’t, I don’t process my reality as well as I could. Everything gets messy and ridiculously tangled.

*Cue the purpose behind writing this tonight…*

But, as I sit here and write, I have to ask: is being hyper-focused a bad thing? Mindset is everything, right? I mean, we all know that. I constantly hear: “Embrace the moment!” Or people say, in some way or another, to enjoy living in a space where the only thing that matters is literally right now: “Live in the now.” “Be present.” Maybe it’s time to trust that the “hyper-focused” attitude is exactly the way I should’ve been living all along.

Huh.

You know, when I first began writing this blog, somewhere a little over 2 hours ago, I was feeling overwhelmed. I even had a physiological response to it, with my heart racing and thumping in my ears. Now, though, I think I’m beginning to get untangled.

And this is exactly why I write.

I am a verbal processor. I either have to talk through things in order to make sense of them, or write about them. I can’t just live inside my head – I get absolutely nowhere with “thinking.”

What about you? Do you have tangled Christmas light moments? Times where you just think to yourself how messed up it all is and it’s so overwhelming that it feels like a lost cause? How do you remind yourself that it’s not?

If you aren’t sure how you process intense emotions and deep thoughts, take a minute to analyze how you’ve worked through problems before. Do you talk about it? Do you journal? Do you mull it over inside your head while you go out for a run? It’s important to know because everyone needs a healthy outlet to help get their head right. Tonight, I went from spiraling down a rabbit hole of confusion to feeling pretty great again. All because I decided to grab my computer and write.

From start to finish, it’s going to take me well over 4 hours to write just this one blog. When I first sat down to write tonight, my thoughts started in the same place as I did with this one, but then went off in a completely different direction. I didn’t like where that was going, so I discarded it and began again. And then I edited this piece like crazy. The whole process helped me understand my thoughts and pinpoint why I was feeling the way I was. I dumped it all onto this beautifully simple blank page. Writing gave me the time to understand what I was thinking and helped me get my mindset back where it needed to be.

Life is confusing. No matter what you’re living through right this moment, your life is sure to take you on a journey. It’s supposed to. There aren’t many things you can count on with certainty, but experiencing ups and downs is a given. We are meant to grow, so we must experience discomfort. Here are some things I’ve learned in the last 7 weeks that continuously help me get through my discomfort, this catastrophe, with grace.

  • Choose to see the good in the people around you, because everybody has good in them.
  • Don’t worry about what may happen at some point down the road or what you should’ve done yesterday. Process the moments as they come and make sure to do so in a healthy way.
  • Count on others for help. We all inherently want to help the members in our community so you aren’t a burden. Don’t think for a second that you are.
  • Hyper-focus on the moments. Though, you may be in the middle of stepping in the mess that erupted after it hit the fan, look up. You don’t have to focus on the mess. When you see all that is in front of you, you’ll surely find something to make you smile.

You all do that for me, you know. While trying to side-step the mess that is my current chapter, you all help me look up. You make me smile. I’m grateful to you – for reading my blog, for commenting on it here and on social media, and especially for sharing it with others because you think it might help them process their world just a tiny bit better. You lift me up with your positive messages and with the stories you’ve shared. I know I’m not alone in this journey and I am thankful that I can lean on so many of you. Your presence in my life is a gift and I can only hope that I can be that gift for others, too.

So if you ever need help untangling Christmas lights, both figuratively and literally, I am here for you.

life

Choices

A Graceful Catastrophe

The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”

-Viktor E. Frankl

The origins of this quote stem from an entirely different reality but hits home with me nonetheless. Life is simply a series of choices.

Choice is an extremely interesting concept and I think many of us forget exactly how much control over our lives we really do have. We paint the lives we have with our choices every day. It is up to me, and no one else, how I decide to see my world. And for a long time, I chose to focus on the negative in my (ex) husband, so that became the world I lived in.

Because I chose to focus on all of his faults, all of the ways I was treated disrespectfully and hurtfully, all of the times he was either emotionally abusive or manipulative – or both, I painted my (ex) husband as someone who didn’t deserve kindness, much less love, in return.

Every day, for so long it makes me feel uncomfortable, I painted this extremely detailed world – one where I was the victim. I was unloved. I wasn’t enough. I, perhaps with no conscious effort, chose to self-sabotage my marriage.

Those are strong words. But I’ve been nothing but honest here, completely transparent, especially with myself. That’s been my choice of how to process a world that was filled to the brim with lies. I am doing constant and intense self-reflection. When a catastrophe hits your world, there are obviously many ways to handle it. I have chosen to spend a lot of time looking within.

When I chose to take my (ex) husband’s attacks personally, when I chose to react with something so far away from compassion that it hurts me to think of the person I was, I was allowing my world to self-destruct. At any given time, I could have chosen to respond with a gentle, caring heart.

Okay, but really, do you know how hard that would’ve been?! I was quite sick, basically at the level of “functioning adult” and not much more, and was being berated for being an awful wife. I was the butt of the jokes when we hung out with other people. I was humiliated and embarrassed, both publicly and privately. The things that my (ex) husband said to me in in the safety of our home and during our arguments, simply put, cut me to my soul. It would have taken intentional effort to respond with compassion. And I was so exhausted and hurt.

But here’s the kicker. I am so exhausted (emotionally) and hurt now. The pain cuts so deep now, far deeper than it has the last 6 years. I have the same baggage as before – not feeling “enough” – but it’s become sharply intensified since March 17. Yet, despite all of this, I am choosing to live with kindness. I am actively choosing to not react to his anger and hurt and jealousy. I am giving grace. I am doing today what I actively chose not to do before. Every single day, I intentionally choose to treat my (ex) husband with the grace and compassion he doesn’t deserve. I didn’t realize it during the last 6 years, but my choices actively destroyed our marriage. Well, they at least aided to the collapse.

Well, now our marriage is over. Shattered. Completely wrecked. And all that’s left are the people involved. And people deserve grace – even when they don’t.

So now, when my (ex) husband is angry, or hurt, and has the apparent need to lash out, I, rather willingly, become the (figurative) punching bag. I let him throw all the low blows he desires. I barely blink as he says all the things, as he throws words and phrases at me that are laced with so much venom. Because now, I understand how to not take those words personally. The toxicity pouring from his mouth comes from a place so deep inside him that he has no clue where to even find it. It comes from so much childhood and adult trauma. It all comes within him and has very little to actually do with me.

Some of the times, living with the level of intentionality I am choosing to live with just becomes too much – and I mess up. The conscious effort it takes to live with grace becomes overwhelming and I find myself behaving in a manner that is far more how I used to respond to things, rather than how I actively want to respond to them now. Old habits are hard to break and it takes all of the intentionality I can muster, all of the conscious thought and effort, to respond how I want to respond. Sometimes the knee-jerk reaction is still there.

But when you know better, you do better. And now I know better. So I am doing what I can, moment by moment, to do better.

I choose, at every opportunity that I consciously remember to, to give grace. To live with true kindness in my heart. To approach the current relationship we’re in – one now as coparents – with the compassion I consciously refused to give for the last 6 years of our marriage. To be the punching bag.

By leading with grace and kindness, I am actively choosing happiness. By understanding this has so very little to do with me and so much to do with him, I am capable of forgiving him when he chooses to attack me. By consciously self-reflecting, I remember that my choices were not always coming from a place of love and my focus, for so many years, was destructive.

When you know better, you should choose to do better. Today, I choose grace, therefore, I am choosing happiness (and I do strongly believe that happiness is far more choice than it is emotion). Every day, I paint the world I live in with my thoughts and I now refuse to focus on the negative energy that was my focal point for so long.

We must be careful with the choices we make. And we must remember how much control over our choices, over our world, we really do have.

I will actively choose happiness, grace, kindness, and compassion, especially in the moments where those are the hardest to muster. Because I choose to live in a world that is filled with rainbows and butterflies. So that is the world I will paint by choosing my thoughts intentionally and carefully.

We must choose our thoughts and actions wisely. We must be careful to avoid helping to create the catastrophe. And if it’s too late, if catastrophe is already upon you, if your world has already imploded, as it has for me, then choose grace moving forward.

We cannot always choose what happens to us. We can, and absolutely should, choose how we react and move forward. Give yourself grace and especially give it when others don’t deserve it.

life

Happy Husbands Don’t Cheat

A Graceful Catastrophe

UGH…

This weekend has been filled with, well, just moments of “ugh.”

I have not had much grace. I am not being a good friend to him. I’ve been so sad. And the hurt just feels like it has been hurting a bit more these last couple of days. It’s honestly been so hard to keep it together and I’ve had several moments where it was impossible.

When my (ex) husband is home, and he’s being humble, filled with regret, and, therefore, kind, things feel “normal” and normal is super confusing to me. Sometimes, though, when he’s home, he justifies his behavior and utters my newest most hated phrase: “Happy husbands don’t cheat.”

Excuse me while I go rage out and break my other hand…

He traveled last week for work and was only home for about 11 hours between Friday night and Saturday morning before leaving for work again. Eleven hours, most of which were overnight, also happened to be sufficient time to trigger the heck out of me. And rather than respond with grace, I handled it with sarcasm, anger, and bitterness.

*sigh*

I am not always strong, nor am I always the bigger person. Sometimes I am very human and petty emotions get the best of me.

Then he’s gone again, traveling for business. But now I know exactly what he does when he travels for work. While I fully (logically) understand he is no longer my husband, I still struggle with his actions, though I now have no right to, since we aren’t really married anymore.

So it kind of all just breaks my brain. And my heart? Forget about it.

On Thursday he comes home again. Just in time to help me with our daughter’s birthday party, where we will entertain her (our) guests, together, like we have for the last 8 birthday parties. Except this time will be our last time. Next year, he’ll have his own place and I will host by myself. He’ll merely be a guest.

We’ll officially be a broken family.

God, that sentence hurts.

Logically, I get that we weren’t happy. We hadn’t been happy for a long time. There were many times where we barely liked one another – and it was obvious to the both of us. In a lot of ways, we’d both given up on the marriage.

But we’d started seeing a marriage therapist. I was working on changing my mindset, trying to focus on the good he brought to my world, rather than all the little (and big) ways he annoyed, hurt, and angered me. I was seeking advice on how to make our marriage work from anywhere I could get it. I wanted our marriage to work.

He didn’t.

The bottom line is that he wanted to do something so terrible that it would make me stop fighting for our marriage. He wanted out. I can’t help but continuously feel that I wasn’t worth fighting for. Our family wasn’t worth fighting for. And when he justifies his actions by blaming me, a very tiny part of me believes him. Because our marriage was really difficult.

Then I snap out of it. It doesn’t happen for long – me believing him. But then I get so mad for allowing myself to be manipulated that I end up handling the situation quite poorly. And then I feel guilty!

Ugh!

So, then I apologize because I am supposed to be living my life with grace. I am supposed to be understanding and forgiving. These are the bars that I have set for myself. This is how I am supposed to behave because it’s honestly the way I want to behave. It’s easy to respond with grace and class when he’s being humble and apologetic. It is so very, very hard when he convinces himself that I pushed him to cheat.

Because, he tells me, happy husbands don’t cheat.

*Deep breath in. Long, slow breath out.*

I believe I am on this path purposefully. I don’t believe that anything happens to us by accident. And it’s very obvious that I need to practice the act of giving grace to those who don’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of grace. He especially doesn’t deserve it when he utters the stupidest sentence I have ever heard.

So, I continue to have opportunities to practice. I’m not great at it yet. I’m not even mediocre at it yet. I’m actually quite poor at giving him grace when he doesn’t deserve it. Which means I’m sure I’m going to be presented with many more opportunities to practice being kind, understanding, compassionate, and forgiving. This is my chance to grow and be a better human.

I want to be a better human. So when he comes home on Thursday, I’m sure I will get an abundance of chances to practice giving grace and I will try oh, so very hard to embrace them.

I have to remember that he is broken. Anyone who believes the sentence, “Happy husbands don’t cheat,” must be tragically damaged. Whether or not he is going to work at fixing all of his broken pieces is up to him. It’s only up to me to give him the grace he doesn’t deserve.

So that is exactly what I will try to do, in between taking deep breaths to calm the rage inside when he says stupid things.

I know that one day, some beautiful day sometime in the future, I will be happier, and it’ll be because of this journey. Until then, I will make a conscious effort to embrace the low moments, remembering that it is through this pain and adversity that I will grow.

Mindset is everything and I have to choose to see this catastrophe as a gift he has given me. Seeing it through any other lens turns me into someone I don’t really care for and while I get that it’ll happen every now and then, I don’t have to live in that space. I refuse to.

This weekend has been challenging. That’s just the way this chapter is going to go. There’s no getting around crappy days. As I sit back right now, finishing up these last few sentences, and taking a deep cleansing breath, I’m ready to try to move forward again. Despite having all the reasons to hold onto my anger and hurt and disappointment, I will consciously move forward with compassion and grace for him.

For no reason other than I want to be better. I want to do better.

And so I will try my best, in all the moments, but especially the ones that are awful, to give grace to the man that believes, “Happy husbands don’t cheat.”

life

Honesty

A Graceful Catastrophe

I have been cautioned by some that I am saying too much, being too forward, and perhaps being a bit too transparent.

If you’ve met me, you know that I am not one to follow the rules of convention. It’s never been my style.

Societal rules tell us we should suffer in silence and put on a happy face. The problems we face should never be publicly displayed.

But why?!

We all have problems. We all have storms we’re valiantly trying to combat. Why is it perceived as a weakness to tell others that we’re struggling? Or that we’re facing challenges? Or that we’re unsure from one moment to the next whether or not we’re emotionally strong enough to keep fighting the good fight?

Perhaps it was the magnitude of my (ex) husband’s dishonesty. Perhaps it’s that I’m almost 40 and really pretty damn confident and just really don’t care what others think of me. But these moments of my life are being lived über honestly. If some stranger in the grocery store sees that my eyes have tears in them because grocery shopping was something we both enjoyed doing together and now I wander the aisles alone and she takes a moment to ask if I’m okay, she’d better grab herself some popcorn and have a seat, because I’m talking.

In some cultures, they don’t ask others how they’re doing unless they have 20 minutes to listen to the response. But here, it’s taboo.

Well, taboo schmaboo. We should all care how our fellow neighbor is doing. And we should all live authentic and honest lives. It is not a burden on others to share how you’re feeling and we, as a society, really need to change our mindset on that.

If I were trying to handle life since March 17th on my own, trying to put on a brave face and stumble through the day to day without ruffling anyone else’s feathers, I’m sure I’d be a broken disaster.

It has been so incredibly freeing to lean on others, to scream about my pain from the mountain tops, to speak honestly that life has been more than just hard.

I refuse to live silently.

Lies of omission are still lies. And I will not omit my life, my truth, from anyone – especially not from those who ask.

So, please listen to what I am saying: listen intently and with purpose. Your pain is not your burden to grasp tightly to yourself. I love you. Strangers love you. Seriously. I have received more love from strangers in the last 40 days than I probably have in my entire life combined. And it’s been beautiful. It’s reaffirmed my faith in humanity. People are good. Abundantly good.

People inherently want to help. They want to make others smile. Let them listen to you. Share your pain with someone other than yourself. If it makes you uncomfortable, start with those that love you the most. Then share with acquaintances. Before long, you, too, will be sharing with the stranger in the grocery store aisle.

Starting as soon as you read this, make this promise to yourself: I refuse to live silently.

Whisper it. Then scream it. You deserve to be heard. Your pain is valid. Live it. Feel it. Honor it.

Do not omit your life. Live authentically, ugly crying and all. An honest life is a free life. And we should all live freely. So, I am sending you, any of you in pain, all my love. Feel it and know that I am here for you.

Refuse to live silently.

life

Lucky

A Graceful Catastrophe

I am lucky.

Yes, sure, I am going through some things right now and processing this chapter of my life has been interesting, to say the least. I’m on a wild ride with my emotions, my hand is slowly healing, and my (ex) husband has been so kind that it’s confusing. I’m constantly having to re-evaluate my boundaries and remind myself that life as I once knew it has forever changed. While daily moments feel “normal,” they aren’t.

Yet, I’m lucky.

I have an incredible community that surrounds me with love and continuously lifts me up. I have friends that run away on spontaneous vacations with me. I have friends that, even after well over a month, still check in on me. The families I work for are the most understanding and giving people. My incredibly sweet neighbors surprise me with the most delicious chocolate chip cookies. My parents constantly worry about me and remind me daily that they are there for me and my daughter. My friends and followers on social media, from all over the world, send me messages that they’re thinking of me and make sure I am okay. Today, my house is cleaner and more organized than it has been in months, thanks to two incredibly hard working women. My gym family pushes me through killer workouts so I can keep working on having both a fit body and fit mind. And even my doctor and all the medical staff at the orthopedic group I go to care about me and give me hugs when I go for my check ups. Everyone wants to help.

I hear stories about women who’ve been cheated on and how their spouses responded to getting caught. It’s not pretty. I’m so fortunate that when my (ex) husband’s two worlds collided, it humbled him. He’s been validating me. He’s been complimentary on how I’m handling all of this. He’s being a wonderful father. He knows he needs help and wants it. He’s actually been reflective (he’s never been reflective).

Today, I am happy. Better yet, I’m rather at peace with what has happened. Grateful. I think this is what was necessary to jolt me (us) awake.

So often, we (married couples) get caught in negative cycles and get stuck, both unwilling and unknowing how to get out. My (ex) husband’s actions were equivalent to someone grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me – hard. And actually, now that it’s out in the open, I’d say the same is true for him.

We’re both very much awake.

Which means we can work to do better. Albeit, now as individuals.

And that makes me smile.

Whatever the future has in store for him, for me, for my daughter, I think it’ll be good. We’ll always be a family but we won’t necessarily always be together. And that is okay. Eventually it’ll probably be better than okay.

Today the waves are calmer. And because I fully understand that these moments don’t linger, I’m taking the time to pause and soak it in.

Today, I am grateful for my (ex) husband’s infidelity. My world was shaken, straight down to its core. He lied and manipulated for almost a year. And because of that, I’ve taken honesty to the next level. I want to be the polar opposite of who he was (is?). I am currently living my most honest and authentic life. To me, lying has always been the most despicable character trait. Nothing ever made me more mad than encountering a liar. And here I was, married to one. Yet, oddly enough, I’m finding myself grateful for that very attribute.

Him, having the most loathsome of character flaws, is giving me the opportunity to practice grace and be understanding to an extent I’ve never been able to truly practice before. I consider myself to be patient and kind. I’ve also always found it difficult to forgive a liar.

There has never been a better occasion for me to practice forgiveness. To truly give grace to someone who least deserves it.

His indiscretions are helping me grow to be a me that I may have never been able to become without this adversity.

I sit here and really cannot believe that I’m even feeling this – I’m actually grateful that my husband cheated on me?! And not just, like, an oops, one time thing, but months and months of it?

Yes, I am.

I have been given a chance to practice being a better human. What an amazing opportunity.

I am lucky this happened now. And so very grateful. Since I’m still relatively young, this skill set I am working on mastering is going to serve me well for the next 40 or 50 years of my life.

Maybe this is how we all should approach life’s catastrophes. Mindset is everything. If we look at the events in our lives that shake us to our cores as opportunities to grow, to reflect, to be better humans on this Earth, then we can stop questioning why it happened to us. We don’t have to be victims. We can be incredibly strong and beautiful people, with the capacity to forgive, to give grace, and to love, fully and unconditionally – and not only for others, but, perhaps more importantly, for ourselves, too.

Wouldn’t you want to live in that type of world? I do.

So I will not be bitter. I will stop asking why he did this to our family. I’ll stop feeling like he threw me away. I’ll stop wondering if I’ll ever be enough. I’ll live each day as best as I can (giving myself grace when I make my own mistakes, too).

Look, I am fully aware that today is a good day. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll read this blog and laugh because it’s so “butterflies and rainbows.” Nonetheless, I feel strongly that I am supposed to use this as an opportunity to grow.

Tonight, I will rest better than I have in over a month.

Because tonight, I am going to sleep with a mindset focused on gratitude.

I am really so very lucky.

life

The Wave

A Graceful Catastrophe

Not even 2 hours before I started writing this, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a glimmer of happiness in my eyes, a speck of hope. As I walked past the mirror just now, before sitting down to write, I just saw pain and hurt staring back at me.

Depending on when you talk to me, I’m having a great day, an okay day, or a difficult day. And all three could occur (and have) in a matter of 20 minutes.

I think the most difficult part of where I currently am in this journey are the triggers – especially since I don’t know what they are or when they’ll hit.

Tonight, I came home from Target and we were both in the kitchen, making a snack. We talked about watching something together on T.V. I was in a great mood and so was he. And then he made a joke, which, while under “normal” circumstances would’ve been harmless, it wasn’t at all a joke to me. It triggered me and I began to quietly spiral.

For the next hour or so, I played this movie in my head, filled with imaginary scenes I concocted as thoughts of his indiscretions rained upon my brain in a sudden downpour. He must’ve noticed because he came over and asked if I wanted to talk, or yell, or stab him with the fork I was using (he likes to make jokes when he doesn’t know what else to do).

I told him, with pain and sadness dripping from my voice, that this was just part of the process. I ride the wave. If grief strikes, or anger, or loads of disgust, I try to feel every bit of it. I have to. I don’t dare stifle the emotions, or try to bury them, or else they’ll surely continue to haunt me, years into the future. And I definitely don’t want that to happen.

You see, I fully understand with my logical brain that I am on a roller coaster that has no end in sight. I feel like I have embraced this; I am on a journey at sea and am at the mercy of the waves. Sometimes the sea is calm and in those moments, I feel legitimately strong, hopeful, and happy. Other times, though…man! It’s like I’m riding through the craziest storm. I mean, we’re talking Cat 5 hurricane. And my poor boat is being rocked so hard that I don’t have a clue how I’m even holding on. How is it possible that I haven’t yet drowned?

I’m exhausted at times, so emotionally drained, just from hanging on.

And that is okay. I am perfectly fine being broken right now, picking up my pieces one by one and learning how they will now all fit back together. I will not be okay still struggling to find peace with all of this years down in the future. Now is the time to face it and deal with it, so I can move forward with a newfound strength I still don’t fully realize I have.

And so I workout. I write. Sometimes I talk. And a lot of times, I just process alone.

And I ride the wave.

*This was written at night on 4/22/2019, but then I fell asleep. *shrug*

life

34 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

It’s been 34 days since I found out my husband had been cheating on me since last May. It’s really quite incredible how much can occur in a mere 34 days. And it’s even more amazing how much one can process and grow after experiencing trauma.

I learned that I am capable of emotions I didn’t even think were real. I’ve learned that I am capable of choosing how to digest life. I’ve learned that I can have completely different answers to the same questions, depending on the day, and sometimes the hour, and fully believe that each answer is accurate, though they may be polar opposites. I’ve learned that I can be forgiving in a situation I once judged the heck out of and I’ve learned that PTSD can come in moments as simple as receiving an email notification.

I’ve been uplifted by my community, showered with generosity at levels that have made me cry, been hugged and supported more times than a person should need in just 34 days. I have felt genuine and beautiful love from people who were complete strangers 6 months ago and caring, sweet concern and love from people I’ve known since childhood. My immediate family has rallied behind me, showing me unconditional love by just being there to listen.

I broke my hand and have felt no physical pain, yet experienced emotional pain that cut through my soul. I’ve laughed wonderfully one minute, then ugly cried the next minute. I went from wishing my (ex) husband were dead to hugging him and crying with him, and trying to be empathetic with him about his pain.

All in 34 days.

The 27 or so hours that occurred between this last Thursday night and Friday night were some of the most difficult yet. The mindset I’d chosen after coming back from North Carolina this last Monday has treated me well. I liked the space I was entering. I felt mentally and emotionally strong.

And then something happened that triggered my (ex) husband, something that caused an interesting array of feelings to suddenly appear.

You see, in order to do what he did to me, his head space was such that he didn’t love me anymore. Because no one who actually adores their partner would ever do something like that, over and over again, for almost a year. He didn’t even care about me.

Or so he thought. He realized, late Thursday night, early Friday morning, that he does care about me deeply. He may still love me. And has been consumed with self-hatred, regret, and shame since. He’s finally feeling a fraction of the hurt I feel. He’s discovered empathy.

This has been so hard for me.

You don’t stop loving your husband immediately when something like this happens. Perhaps some people do, but I sure didn’t. He’s a good person, he has a great heart, and he’s the father of my child. So, I had to shut down that love. I had to turn it off. It’s not that I’ve fallen out of love, it’s that I had to bury the love in order to maintain a semblance of sanity.

I also stopped focusing on the pain of the betrayal. I buried the person he was to me. His role as husband was officially dead. Instead, I chose to consciously see him as the person he is to me – still the father of my child and someone who has all the potential to be a great friend. By changing his definition, by choosing to focus my thoughts differently, is how I’ve been able to gracefully move forward. My newly constructed mindset is still quite fluid, though. I’m still grieving, and some days, living through those day to day moments is still a struggle. I am very much still in survivor mode. I’m just here for the journey, riding the wave until the seas calm.

And then the full realization of not only his actions, but his feelings he’d buried so deep, come boiling to the surface, exploding out in such an emotional burst, that it took us both by surprise.

How do I process that?! This doesn’t fit in my nice little mindset frame that I built.

So, yesterday I tried handling it by working out until I was stupid (does anyone else turn dumb after intense workouts?? Is that a thing? Seriously, inquiring minds want to know…), because feeling physical pain and exhaustion is far easier to comprehend than emotional pain and exhaustion. And today I worked out again, pushing my body to its limits, causing me to feel that euphoric high that occurs when you crush a goal.

And you know what? I’m processing it all much better today.

Add that to the list of things I’ve learned in the last 34 days: having a healthy outlet to turn to when the emotions just get too much is life saving. Without exercise, without the community at my gym, I don’t know where I’d be. Having a healthy response (exercising) to wild emotions helps keep me from *accidentally* breaking my bones. I know, a shocking concept, right? *eyeroll*

After my last workout of the day today, my head felt less foggy, my emotions less erratic. My mindset has changed a bit – again – focusing now on the hope that through this pain and trauma, both of us will become better people. We can’t change the past, the choices that were already made, but we can surely focus on becoming better humans. We can both choose to move forward with grace.

David Crosby wrote about pain that was beautiful, really. He said, essentially, that “your pain is changing you.” There is no doubt that this pain is changing the both of us.

This chapter of my life is a full on storm filled with blinding pain and, therefore, an abundance of opportunities to show grace and compassion. I feel that I am a completely different person today than I was 35 days ago. At first I was sad when the old me died, as she was very good to me. Now, in just this short period of time, I’m finding I love the new me even more. Already.

Imagine what 68 days from now will look like. A full year. I don’t know why I’m on this path but there is a purpose to it. Nothing happens to us by accident.

So I, as best as I can, now embrace the trauma. I am grateful for the pain. Without the last 34 days, I would’ve never been who I am now becoming.

We all live through storms, some of our storms are more like a Cat 5 hurricane, some just a quick thunderstorm passing by. One is not greater than the other, all storms come with moments to embrace the ugly and hurt and turn it into something beautiful.

We just have to frame our mindset to see the beauty, rather than the pain. While I fully acknowledge that this isn’t possible all the time, I’ve learned that mindset is everything. We paint our world with our thoughts…and then have to live in that world. Why not make it full of rainbows and butterflies?

So, as you navigate your storms, both present and future, choose your thoughts wisely. As will I.

And always remember, we are all stronger than we think. We all have the ability to overcome.

My strength, currently, comes from reflecting on how much has happened, how much I’ve changed in just 34 days. It gives me hope for the next day, as that is all I can focus on right now. This storm has already lessened in its intensity and I know I’ve already grown exponentially.

I have hope for tomorrow again.

And it’s only been 34 days.

life

Perspective

A Graceful Catastrophe
Just because I’m right doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

After a weekend away, visiting with friends (and drinking entirely too much), I feel more balanced. I was ready to come home from this trip and I’m starting to get to a place where I’m accepting my reality. Before, I focused on the hurt, in disbelief that this is now my life: 2 failed marriages, a daughter that’s going to grow up in 2 homes, and trying to figure out how not to take the cheating personally.

Now that it’s been about a month, I’m a bit further removed from the hurt. I’m gaining perspective. (*I know this is how I’m feeling today, right now, in this moment and that these jumbled emotions are ever-changing. I also think I’m getting pretty decent at embracing the flood and riding the waves.*)

Today is one of those days where I think my (ex) husband and I will be pretty darn amazing friends one day. Perhaps sooner than later. When I got home tonight, he asked me about my weekend. I shared the ridiculous stories and then he shared his ridiculous evening he had on Saturday. Then, somehow, we found ourselves navigating through a conversation about his infidelity. This isn’t all that uncommon.

For years, we were not the spouses to one another that we should’ve been. When we moved to Colorado, my (ex) husband became quite depressed. With his depression came anger. He was so mean and mad and short-tempered. Rather than have compassion, I became colder. I remember driving home one day, talking with one of my BFF’s, and complaining about how awfully I was being treated. She called me out and said I wasn’t being a supportive wife. Well, of course I wasn’t because I wasn’t liking how I was being treated. Rather than respond with grace, class, and understanding, I turned angry and dismissive.

Because all I wanted was a husband who cherished me.

I wanted to feel loved and since I wasn’t, I started to withhold my love. I’m sure it wasn’t a conscious decision at first. Though after being called out, I didn’t try to improve either. I was so frustrated with how I was being treated that I felt justified in my actions.

Hearing my (ex) husband talk about what transpired is interesting. He knows he did a terrible thing. He knows he is going to have to deal with the consequences for the rest of his life. But during those difficult years, he also just wanted a wife that cherished him. He also felt unloved. He also chose to respond to me with more anger and more frustration.

We were caught up in a terribly vicious cycle that has brought us to where we are today.

We were two people, sad and frustrated for pretty much the same reasons. I think that he knew I wouldn’t quit the marriage, I wasn’t going to throw away the family. Back in September, I decided to give it an honest go, to quit being so angry and stubborn, to be the one that tried. But my efforts went unnoticed because he was already long gone. I was too late in shoving my stubbornness and hurt and anger aside. He’d already done something so awful that, when I found out, quitting the marriage was the only option.

Please don’t misunderstand my message here. I’m not blaming myself for his infidelity, nor am I justifying it. Rather, at least up until last May, we had many missed opportunities to fix what was broken.

I was screaming 6 while he was screaming 9. We were both right. We were both hurt. We were both pretty terrible spouses. Neither of us wanted to take a moment to walk around to the other’s side. Had we taken an honest look, perhaps we wouldn’t be filling out separation paperwork right now.

If there’s anything to learn from this, it is to desperately try to not judge a situation or a person’s actions. Take a walk around and visit it from their angle. Why are they behaving as they are? What do they see from their perspective? Every single person has their own viewpoint, so why is it so hard for us to try and see the world from their view? How arrogant I was, to only have seen my side.

I thought I was an understanding person. I thought I was non-judgmental. But this whole time, for well over the last 5 years, I was giving the person I was supposed to love the most the least slack. I let his actions harden me.

I’m not doing that anymore. At least, not consciously. I want to lead with grace. To come from a place of understanding. To live assuming the best in others.

I hope that if you’re reading this, if you’re connecting to these words in any way, that you reach out to the person who doesn’t deserve your grace. It’s so much easier to judge than it is to understand (as my dad says), but wouldn’t you want to know that you gave everything you had to fix what’s broken? I have no fault in the infidelity, but I do have plenty of fault in being in a difficult marriage. I could’ve been the bigger person. I could’ve stopped being stubborn. I could’ve shown an ounce of compassion to my husband, who was struggling immensely with the move. I didn’t.

I just kept shouting 6.

Get out of that negative cycle that perpetuates a difficult relationship. Be the one to step forward with love, no matter how angry and justified you are.

Stop shouting 6.