Tag: authentic

life

5 years ago, and a lifetime

A Graceful Catastrophe

A Facebook memory popped up today that made my blood run cold. I literally got goosebumps as I read the words and remembered who I was 5 years ago.

There was a list of something that, man, I wish I knew what it was now, but apparently a good bit of that list resonated with me. And so, without any hesitation or understanding of what I was publicly saying, I wrote those words, and posted my thoughts.

I had no trust in my own capacity and freely told that to my FB community without understanding exactly how vulnerable that whole post was. (Now, I post super vulnerable and raw blogs with the full realization that that is exactly what I am doing.) And you know what is even crazier? I only JUST had that lack of self trust epiphany a few months ago in therapy. I had no idea that I’ve been living this life completely ignoring my internal voice because I didn’t trust it. *woah*

At least now I’m self aware and can work at regaining trust in my own self again – after decades of it being lost. And that’s probably why this memory stopped me cold today.

I still hesitate when listening to my gut. I still completely disregard that little voice. But now it’s quite transparent what I am doing and I can learn how to adjust my mindset and rebuild trust in myself again. Which is pretty cool, I think…to be able to understand I have an area of growth and I can choose to actually better myself through it…

You know, I haven’t written in ages. My life has changed dynamically from when I first started writing here. My ex and I have grown to be very close friends and I adore his partner – she’s a great mom and I’m grateful for her influence in my daughter’s life. What a 180!

And I have changed – so much. I went to Greece (I’m sure I wrote about this experience in an earlier blog), alone, just over a year after I’d written that fear laden Facebook post. I flew there to attend a private photography workshop (so I could learn how to use my camera) with 2 complete strangers, who were both men. And after I learned all the things from them, I spent 2 or 3 days in Athens all by myself. And on my very first day in Greece, with those two strangers (now turned good friends), I got a tattoo with the words, “strong, capable, enough.”

Because I was. I am. I always have been.

Others may not always treat me in ways that make me feel that I am strong, capable, or enough for them but I’m pretty sure it’s because I haven’t been strong, capable, or enough for myself – as is obvious in my old post.

But, little by little, I’m getting there. I’m more self aware now than ever in my life, and that’s got to count for something, right?

I am now a photographer as my profession, which brings my trip to Greece full circle. I’m just starting out, really, and attended my first photography conference just about 3 weeks ago. I went alone and without knowing a single soul. And there wasn’t any part of me that was afraid in any way. I was SO excited.

Me. The girl who was afraid of the outdoors after dark. Who was afraid of going to the grocery store, and who would never, ever dream of trusting herself to her own safety.

And, wow. Just wow. What happened in those 4 days changed me. Like, not just mentally, with everything I learned, and not just emotionally, with everyone I met, but on a true soul level. The me who was me on September 9 is no longer the me that is sitting here today. It was THAT dynamic.

Every single thing that happened during that conference helped me to grow. I respond to situations differently now than I would have before, had I experienced the same exact situation. I know how the old me would have responded. And I rather like how the new me is responding.

This new me values herself in a way that feels subtle on the outside (for now), but is churning, growing slowly, much like a wildfire, deep within. I feel this spark that was ignited there and it’s growing and, I’ve got to say, I’m really liking it.

It’s funny how pivotal moments to my whole “soul being” have occurred around photography. First in Greece, and now this past conference. The people in this industry are truly something special…and the connection was immediate and wild and beautiful and intense and unimaginable. Truly.

If I were still that woman (I want to say girl) from 5 years ago, I never would have gone to Greece and met 2 incredibly exceptional men who unbeknownst to any of us, jump started the career I am in today.

If I were still that woman from 5 years ago, I never would have been brave enough or ambitious enough to participate in a photography conference in another state and with absolutely no existing connection, no anchor, nobody to “keep me safe.”

That is one thing that has changed, thankfully. I feel entirely and perfectly capable of keeping my own self safe in public. I may still have trust issues with my internal voice, but there is NOTHING stopping me from diving head first into new experiences. Especially ones that will help me grow on multiple levels. Before, fear controlled so much of my life, but now, I am just so excited to see what growth occurs over the next 5 years from experiences created by being strong, capable, and enough…

And you! Well, I’ll leave you with this. If you are living in fear and doubt, to the extent that you avoid actually living a remarkable life – like I was – I invite you to do something that you would consider brave (just keep it safe, obviously). It may be something tiny to an outsider, but start showing yourself exactly who you are. You never know what kind of wildfire that small spark could ignite.

The lesson for myself in all this? I am, in fact, strong, capable, and enough. If for nobody else but myself.

And that is more than enough.

life, love

Cliffhanger

A Graceful Catastrophe

My mind is buzzing, electrified. I can picture my thoughts as these tiny, wee, little blobs with legs, jumping from neuron to neuron, laughing in delight. Mocking me.

I can’t catch one, though. I feel like I have to write, like I have to get out what’s in my head, but I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I’m supposed to write about. My thoughts are taunting me, skating about on the edge of consciousness.

Perhaps that is exactly where I should begin. On the edge.

You see, we’re on the edge right now, ready to dive into the new year. I’m on the edge, too, ready to dive into 39 (which my friend happily reminded me is actually the beginning of my 40th year. Gee, thanks for that clarification. *facepalm*)

And yet, this edge that I’m precariously (this word can mean a great deal of things, so I figured I’d include a synonym for how I’m choosing to use it in this sentence: daringly) balanced upon feels more stable than anywhere I’ve been standing at any point during all of my adulthood.

As I look around at my life, both figuratively and literally, I see that no matter which direction I choose to step off this edge, I’m going to fall into something unbelievably marvelous. And how do I know this? Because I am the one captaining the ship. I am wholly and completely in charge of all aspects of my success and happiness, in regards to my daughter, friends, work, love, or any other element of my life, both significant and inconsequential.

To finally understand this, to at long last possess this knowledge, is a gift. It’s a gift because I no longer live in fear – not of the future, not of falling in love, not of leaving my house after dark, and definitely not of being alone. Life should actually just be viewed as the greatest cliffhanger of all time – none of us know how anything will end, but it’s that uncertainty that makes it exciting (description of the word “cliffhanger’ taken from the Cambridge online dictionary).

Goodness, I truly do love living on the edge and in the space of the unknown! It’s absolutely bold, and perhaps a touch reckless, and surely not for everyone, but it just feels so free. I feel so free! For months and months, life felt heavy. I felt like the weight on my shoulders was so much that I’d never be able to rise again.

Today, I feel so light and free that I could almost float away. Almost. I’m still trying to remain grounded. I have a vision of where my life will be in 2 years. And, boy, does it ever excite me. Sure, it’ll probably change 2,034 more times in the next 24 months. And you know what? That is totally and completely okay.

I welcome change and bumps in my path along the way. They all serve a purpose, and I get the opportunity to grow from them. I do not fear pain. I will never again avoid something – whether it’s feelings or a physical act of doing something – because I’m afraid. I’m not scared of adversity. I have scars that mark all the aches and, let’s be real, moments of utter agony, that I’ve experienced. Those scars, though…I now see they simply add to my internal beauty. Scars that I wouldn’t hide for anything because they’ve made me everything I am in this moment. And I am no longer somebody who hides away.

You see, over these last months, I’ve been hurt. A few times. There are fresh scars.

But the thing is, when you’ve been shattered, pain becomes relative. You understand it will always be there. There will always be new opportunities for life to dish out pain. And yet, nothing will ever hurt you like the time when catastrophe struck and rocked you to your core.

You become bulletproofed, in a way.

Here’s the thing, which really is quite magical now, nobody will ever offer me the same profoundly deep wound that the father of my child delivered. The level of hurt that occurs from the person who helped you create a family together, when he cast the final blow, thereby destroying it, will be unparalleled for the rest of my life.

So for him, and for that, I am grateful. Because I can now live free. I can allow myself to be as vulnerable as I want because no matter what discomfort occurs along the way, I know I will come out on the other side stronger than I was before. And I have no doubt because I’ve come back from much, much worse.

The coolest thing about where I’m at though? It’s that I’m done begging. I seek understanding, of course. But I’m not going to beg somebody to see me. I see me. And if you aren’t in the position to, I fully understand that isn’t about me. Because I no longer question my worth. I know I’m enough.

The right people will see that in me, also. And it’ll take no convincing. They’ll just know. The relationship will be effortless. My friendships feel this way. And someday a romantic relationship will, too.

I’m no longer in the position where I have to try to jam square pegs in round holes. My outlook on life has completely changed…

Oh! Just listen to this for a moment! You know what’s incredibly interesting? I took a personality test recently and when I got the results at the end, I had the option to email them to myself. When I input my email address, I received a notification that I already had an account. Hmm, I suppose at some point in my past, I took the same test! Well! As a sucker for data, I quickly figured out how to log into my old account and found my previous results.

And then my mind was blown. My personality has actually completely changed. The first time I took the test, at some point during my married past, I was classified as an introvert. This time, though? I classified as an extrovert. I had already felt that change within but to see it in black and white was seriously deep. I live out loud now. My whole approach to life has undergone a 180.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? The way we choose to look at things defines everything. I feel my energy. I know I’m glowing. And it’s been a mere 9 months and 9 days since everything in my world ceased to exist as I knew it. The growth has been exponential.

So, bring it on. Life is an adventure and I’m here to live it fully and authentically, no matter what that means. My decisions may cause some discomfort, and even downright annoyance, to those who care about me, and I appreciate their beautiful and logical minds. For me, though, in order to live the authentic life I so desire, my heart will always prevail.

At any cost.

Which is why my next blog will be written once I’ve arrived in Ouray, after driving through a snowstorm at midnight to get there. In my front wheel drive Mini Cooper. And honestly, I’m super excited about that adventure.

I will not shy away from something I want because the road to it has the potential to be a little precarious…even risky.

I’m here to chase my heart’s desires and live on the edge. Daring. Real. Full of life and adventure. I may not have a clue how anything will end but, to me, there’s no other way to truly live with authenticity. And I’m here to live a very authentic life.

life, love

184 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

This might be the day that I quit counting. 184 days might be the “magic number.” Some time ago, a friend told me that I should quit counting the days, that it wasn’t healthy, and asked if I was waiting on some magic number of days to pass when everything would be right in my world again.

Well, it’s here.

And it only took 6 months.

I doubt I’ll finish writing in time to publish this on September 17th, but that’s the date right now. To be exact, it’s 6 months, 4 hours, and 20 minutes from the time I received the email from my ex’s Ashley Madison lovely, exposing his double life. Exposing his infidelity. And exposing just the tip of the iceberg of the multitude of betrayals that would unfold over time.

Today, I celebrate that email. Today, I have a sense of peace and calm that I haven’t had in decades. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since July 31, 1998. And even then, I was just a kid.What did I know? Now, I have so much more experience that I approach that which life hands me with a sense of peace that has probably never existed within me.

My first husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. As was my second. Over time, without realizing it, I became an entirely different person than I tried to portray. My inner dialogue was painful and harsh. I thought very little of myself, while simultaneously trying to be the person on the outside that I desperately wanted to be on the inside.

I was living a lie. And it was exhausting.

I wanted nothing more than to live an authentic life. I’ve recently looked at an old journal, from several years ago, where I specifically wrote out “live an authentic life” as one of my goals – but I couldn’t. Because my internal message never matched what I presented to the world.

And it happened again, just yesterday. I have a dear friend group of moms at my gym. There are 5 of us in total and one of the moms bought us all hats. She carefully picked out the sayings for each of us, being deliberate and intentional with our phrases.

My hat says, “I’ll bring the dance moves.” I immediately thought it was given to me ironically because, as my internal dialogue has always affirmed – I don’t dance.

But then she explained that I’m always moving at the gym, dancing to the music. And it made me pause. I do dance! I dance without a care in the world at the gym! I’m confident there, and surrounded by people that love me and are just as crazy and ridiculous as I am. It’s my safe place. And I am completely comfortable there, surrounded by my friends-turned-family, that love me dearly.

I do dance.

I am in a news video clip, promoting our gym, that was taken last week. In the clip, you can see me dancing. I knew the news crew was there, yet I was in my zone, in my happy place, and I was dancing. Without a care in the world.

I do bring the dance moves.

Such a simple moment, with such profound results.

Once again, my internal dialogue was feeding me lies! The people around me see an entirely different person than the way I see myself and that has got to continue to change. Little by little, my worlds are coinciding.

I feel as though I’m finally achieving my goal. I’m living authentically. My internal dialogue is filled with positive messages to myself.

For example, I have (had?) body dysmorphia. I’d look in the mirror and see a completely different person than what others would see in me (hmm, I’m seeing a pattern here…). I’d stand on the scale and berate myself, calling myself a heifer and other such names. I wasn’t very kind to myself. *sigh*

But why?

Looking back, I think it’s because I was beat down for so long. I wasn’t enough for the people I loved – ever. I was criticized and humiliated. Accused and attacked. For decades.

So, the external onslaught became my internal dialogue.

And then, March 17th happened. And I started seeing my therapist frequently. I don’t recall now, but I think it was once a week, though at the very beginning, it might’ve even been twice each week. I just can’t remember.

But, man, is my therapist out of this world. 

(PSA: Guys, go get yourself a good mental health professional. No matter how you're feeling, seeing a therapist should be a part of your general self-care routine - even if it's quarterly, just to check in. Go.)

Okay…where was I?

Ahh, yes. My therapist calls me out. He doesn’t tiptoe around things. He knows I’m a perfectionist and tells me to knock it off, to quit playing “God.” He’s blunt. He’s seen me break down and ugly cry in his office because I didn’t believe the words he was telling me. I was so broken and had spent so many years beating myself up that I found myself unworthy. I believed the negativity my ex spewed at me. And I didn’t believe my therapist or anyone else who tried to tell me differently. Well, until this last month or so, when it just clicked after one of my appointments with him.

At this specific appointment, I left feeling defeated. I was still crying as I walked to my car. He had told me to re-frame my thoughts and gave me a replacement dialogue to use. I looked at him through my tears and shook my head. I told him I couldn’t say those things to myself because they were lies. I didn’t believe them. How could those things possibly be true???

He sighed, and with a look of sadness for me that he just couldn’t mask, he agreed to give me another option. For now, he said…one that was neutral and I was much more comfortable with saying to myself.

And I did. Anytime I needed to re-frame my inner dialogue, I repeated the second option. Until one time, I repeated the first. And it felt good. It felt honest. And I smiled. Because I believed it.

And I haven’t stopped believing my new inner dialogue.

Until I received the hat and the first thought in my head was, “I don’t dance.”

My inner voice still lies to me. I suppose we all deal with insecurities and things we’ve convinced ourselves of that, with enough confidence and self-reflection, we can find to be utterly untrue.

I do dance. Happily and ridiculously. And it took a dear friend to see that in me to make me realize this truth about myself.

I am finally listening to the positive messages people tell me. I no longer think I am unworthy of those messages. I no longer believe they’re just feeding me lines of complete garbage, just to try to make me feel better. I’m listening to the correct messages now and it’s changing who I am.

I used to worry about every little thing. I called myself a catastrophizer. I saw the negative outcome in anything. With some things, it turned into paralyzing fear.

Now, I simply ask myself, how do I feel about that right now. It is only this moment that exists. Why fret over the possible “what ifs” in life? I was a Type A planner. And worrier. I covered all the bases. Or I thought I did…

And where did that lead me?

No amount of planning can prevent life from unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. Loved ones will die. Car accidents will happen. Illness will strike. Personal catastrophes that are far worse than mere infidelity will occur – catastrophes that have no positive outcome in the end and yet, you still have to reconcile it all and try, valiantly, to move forward. (**Okay, I am not downplaying infidelity. However, so much good has come into my life from his choice to end our marriage through those means. With some catastrophes, no matter how hard you try, you cannot find the silver lining an no good will ever come from it.**)

There are some things that will still turn your world upside down, if only for a moment, regardless of how much effort you put in to make sure you’re following a certain path that has been deemed “safe” inside your head for your multitude of reasons.

So, I encourage you to live free and with authenticity (whatever that means for you. For me, it was to finally ignore the lies I’d been living with for decades).

Make sure your mind, body, and soul align to your truth.

Only listen to the voice in your head if it’s feeding you positivity. Otherwise, remind yourself that it’s all just lies and should be re-framed and shut down.

Six months later, I feel lighter than I have in a long time. The burden of the lies has been lifted. When my ex does beat me up, verbally speaking, he’s attacking triggers that used to exist. His words no longer have power over me. Where he was once able to destroy me with just a few sentences, I now simply shrug them off (okay, I might still throw in some cheap shots back, I haven’t quite mastered this whole “living with class and grace” thing). But the point is, his words do not defeat me anymore.

I am now living a life that is extremely satisfying. I am content. I feel empowered and strong. I very rarely overthink and over-analyze. And I have no fear.

Things just are.

I form my next decision based on how I feel right now, in this moment. I can’t put enough emphasis on that. Right now, this moment, is the only true reality. To me, that is the only thing that matters. If it is bringing me happiness right now, I will continue to pursue it. As soon as it evokes a negative emotion, then I change my course of action. I no longer worry about “what if” and “should’ve” and “could’ve.” Things just are. Life just is. I breathe in. I breathe out.

This is what is working for me.

I do dance. Thank you for seeing that in me, Casey. And even more than that, thank you for pointing it out to me.

And, finally, I live and love without bounds or fear of what may come or what may be. Because none of that matters. It simply doesn’t even exist, so how could it matter?

Six months later and I am finally free of the lies. I never would’ve thought, in the moments after receiving that email, that this is where the chain of events would lead me.

Who would have ever thought that I’d be so grateful that my ex cheated on me?

184. This might be my new lucky number.

Because life is so good today.

Please excuse me…I feel the need to go dance. I do that now. *smile*

life, love

What Catastrophe

A Graceful Catastrophe

This journey is interesting. Life, in general, is simply unpredictable chaos. I am learning how to “ride the wave,” to “roll with the punches,” to try desperately to “keep from drowning” and hold my “head above the water”, fighting fiercely to keep my wits about me as I am buckled into this roller coaster, gripping the handles so tightly that my knuckles are white, just so that I don’t fall out, crashing and spiraling back to the ground.

All of the idioms fit. *chuckles*

I’ve come so far in the nearly 6 months since I first found out about my ex’s mountains of betrayals. And I can honestly say that I am finally rising above the catastrophe that the email I received on St. Patrick’s Day sparked. I find that I am being more intentional with whom I am seeking connection and conversation. I’m being drawn to people who challenge me in a multitude of ways, but mostly who challenge my mind. My responses are respectfully questioned, forcing me to analyze that which I feel strongly about, to justify why I think it, or to finally decide that my thoughts are flawed and I ought to re-evaluate my opinions. In short, these people are helping me to grow, to become a better me, and to better understand exactly who I am.

While it’s incredibly difficult, and at times exhausting, it’s refreshing. My ex-husband didn’t push me to be a better person. We didn’t have the deep and meaningful conversation that prompted the levels of introspection necessary to increase self-awareness and achieve personal growth. We didn’t live in the type of safe place, filled with mutual respect, where he could kindly call me out and help me consider different perspectives. Our relationship was volatile, our communication dismal. We just weren’t good partners for one another and I think a lot of that is because we weren’t good for ourselves.

This is a problem I never want to have again. Wait, let me re-word that. This is a problem I will never have again. So I am choosing to continue pursuing opportunities and connections that will help me to not only continue to heal my soul, but to also grow emotionally.

I came into our relationship with a lot of baggage. And so did he. We both still have our baggage but I can say mine is getting easier to carry. I am understanding myself in ways I never have before. And I can feel a different type of deep peace within. Guys, it’s incredible to live without the weight of all those bricks that have been piled on me for decades…for far longer than just my ex being in my life. For the most part, I feel quite calm, which is at the same time exhilarating, because I cannot recall the last time I felt this level of composed tranquility.

Sure, sometimes life gets stressful – and heavy – but I’m learning to see it all in a different perspective and I haven’t been lingering in that negative space like I used to. I am so much stronger – in mind, body, and spirit – and, therefore, far healthier now. If life gets heavy, I have the strength and ability to climb back up out of the trenches much quicker than before. I just see things differently. I feel things with far less drama than I once did. And the most important lesson I’ve learned over the last 6 months is that “it” isn’t about me. I very rarely hear the self-defeating, negative self-talk anymore. Now, more often than not, I shrug my shoulders and understand it’s “not my circus,” as the saying goes.

The way I am intentionally choosing to live isn’t exactly easy, but it isn’t hard, either. It’s a choice. A conscious decision. And that, is the hardest part. Sometimes, a lot of times, it’s so easy to simply react to what life throws at us, to snap back at another, whose words or actions trigger us, to respond carelessly and thoughtlessly. It just happened again today, with my ex, of course. But it wasn’t as bad as it was, say, 3 months ago. So, I guess that’s progress.

But none of that is classy. Or graceful. Since the beginning of this journey, that has been my ultimate goal. And it feels like I take 1 step forward, then 2 steps back again. Yet, I’m constantly reflecting. I’m working on “the pause.” (I suck at it, but I’m working on it.) I am becoming more aware of tiny shifts within – I feel the changes occurring so quickly that it’s like I blink and I’m somebody slightly different than I once was. I have hope that one day, I will be able to mostly control my behavior – especially when I am triggered.

To choose to live authentically and intentionally means that the road is going to be a challenging one. But it’s so worth it. I read a line from an Instagram post by createthelove that hit home – especially because of where my life is today. He said, “when space is created in our lives, it allows other people and experiences to enter. Your greatest moments are waiting, you just need to let go of the ones which have already passed.”

Which is why it’s pointless for me to continue allowing myself to be triggered by my ex. For what? His actions have created a space that I am now grateful for, one where I have experienced more personal growth than I ever could’ve had with him by my side. I now have a life where I can focus on that personal growth, on chasing experiences that will simultaneously fill my soul and open my eyes to realities I never knew could exist. I have opportunity now. And more time and energy to purse those experiences that come with this newfound opportunity.

But I’m trying to be careful now. I quite strongly believe that the energy you put out into the universe is exactly what will be returned back to you.

Intentionality. Grace. Class. Love. Authenticity.

That’s what I want to project out there, regardless of how another treats me. I want to practice it so frequently that it becomes imprinted on my soul and becomes as natural as breathing.

Another Instagram post that hit home is from mindfulmft. Vienna Pharaon said, “ask yourself this: Is what I’m about to say or do going to lead me to peace or suffering? (and then adjust accordingly)” She then went on to say, “We either move towards suffering or we move towards peace. We move towards chaos or we move towards freedom. We move towards pain or we move towards healing. This or that.”

Simple. This. Or that.

We have the choice. I have the choice. Do I want to bring this into my life, or that? I know one thing for certain – I want to live as an example for my daughter, and anyone else who happens to be watching, as someone who makes the conscious decision to chase peace and healing, and to pursue the freedom that comes with being in complete control of my actions and, my biggest struggle, my reactions.

I owe that to all my relationships, present and future.

This journey has been far from simple. There have been moments where I literally didn’t know how I would be capable of taking my next breath. The pain was undefinable. The destruction catastrophic.

But looking back, now with a bit of distance, I can see the bigger picture. It’s not the destruction I thought it was when it was merely inches from my face. Perhaps I don’t have a bird’s eye view quite yet, but from this distance, I see that my ex’s actions started a chain reaction that actually cleared my path, allowing the sun to fully shine down, erasing the shadows I once lived beneath. And now? I’m lifting my face to the glorious light, allowing the healing warmth to flood my soul, as I feel serenity and contentment slowly replace anger and anguish.

Personal growth can be painful. But for right now, it mostly feels like freedom.

My shell cracked on March 17, 2019 at 6:08 pm. Over the next several months, everything spilled out. I felt utterly destroyed. Now, 3 days shy of 6 months later, I understand that it wasn’t destruction. It was freedom. And now, I am blooming.
life

Embrace the Suck

A Graceful Catastrophe

I am currently separated from a man who is seemingly entirely different from the one I was once married to. This guy is everything I’d hoped my husband could’ve been. He’s vulnerable, thoughtful, insightful, reflective, and genuinely kind.

It only took him hitting rock bottom, making incredibly selfish and hurtful decisions, day in and day out for almost a year, and then losing his family for him to wake up. That’s what he calls it – that he’s had an awakening.

When I first told people what’d happened, and that I was leaving my husband because of it, I also said that I had no idea what that meant for us. Some days I told people that there was no way I would give my marriage a chance again. Other days I responded with not knowing if this would be permanent or if some day, down the road, we’d try to make our marriage work again. The most insightful and loving of people responded with three common replies:

  • you do not have to make any decisions right now,
  • you have to do what’s right for you and your family and only you know what that means, and
  • I support you with whatever decision you make, even if it is to take him back.

I have some pretty incredible people in my life. The lack of judgement shown by the family and friends that surround me has been vitally important to me while I’m on this journey. I’m on a roller coaster and how I feel from one minute to the next varies so significantly that I sometimes think I’m no longer even remotely sane.

Every time I feel the most unbalanced, I reach out to my community. I am not shy about what is going on in my life and because of that, I have people ready to lift me up from every corner of my world. I have been embraced with unconditional love and understanding from “my people.” They are helping me ride this wave and process through all the emotions so that I can reach a logical decision on what it is I want to do moving forward.

I still don’t know.

There’s a lot of work that has to be done between here and there. And I’m so thankful this is not a decision I have to make quite yet. There are still so many emotions clouding my vision that now is not the time to think about anything past today.

So I take it all one moment at a time. That’s probably one of my biggest takeaways from the last 7.5 weeks. I am much better now at not having expectations. I’m much better at just living in the moment and enjoying what this second is bringing me. And I’m also much better at understanding that, while maybe this second sucks, it won’t forever, so keep breathing through it.

I also know that I know nothing. I think I may know something, but, as it turns out, I don’t. And boy, is that ever a freeing feeling! And the only thing that is certain is that nothing is ever certain. Everything is capable of being susceptible to change. And every person is, too. If they truly want to change.

By living with grace and understanding, it turns out my daughter isn’t the only one watching. I am not only showing her how to not hit walls when she’s angry and hurt, I’m showing my (ex) husband, too. And he’s actually seeing it. *mind blown*

He’s got a long road ahead, one of intense healing for the broken, sad little boy that lives within him. And I think he just might be ready to embark on his journey.

You see, if you surround others with love, while holding them accountable, amazing transformations can occur. I’ve seen it all around me. I’ve heard story after story from women who have sent me private messages that they, too, have survived marital affairs and their marriages are now better than ever. I used to have all sorts of judgments and opinions on how a person should behave under certain circumstances. I no longer do. Humans are a truly remarkable species. We’re capable of so much that defies logic. We’re capable of anything that we really, truly, honestly want to achieve. Remind yourself of that. Highlight that sentence. Write this on a sticky and place it on your bathroom mirror: I am powerful.

Mind over matter.

Mindset is everything.

I don’t know yet if we will be one of those positive statistics of a renewed and rekindled marriage but I do know the man my ex is today is not the man he was 2 months ago. And I am not the person I was 2 months ago, either. Both of those versions of ourselves are dead. And who he becomes after this catastrophe, who I become, is up to no one other than ourselves. It hasn’t been easy but I am proud for how I’ve handled myself through this catastrophe. Broken hand, emotional meltdowns, and all. Because I’ve tried, over and over for the last 60 days, to take the high road, to give grace to someone who hadn’t shown that he deserves it.

He’s showing he deserves it now. So while I make no promises, while I am still riding this wave, I will continue to do so with the purest of love and grace that I can muster. I started to behave this way for my daughter but as time goes on, I realize it’s so much bigger than that.

And today, at this part of my journey, I am hopeful. I guess what I’m hopeful for, at the very core of it all, is that my ex can find a way to release the pain he has harbored for well over 3 decades, that he can be genuinely happy on the inside, and that he can begin to reflect that out into the world.

If all of us choose to dig deep, to find true happiness within, then the wave we ride is a bit less tumultuous, isn’t it? When we approach life, and others, with nothing more than genuine love and grace in our hearts, then everyone wins. Life is a bit sweeter. Interactions purer. Hearts fuller.

I choose to live my life like this. Intentionally filled with grace.

Of course I’ll have moments where I let the emotions get the best of me. I’m still a work in progress, still very human. Living with intentional grace takes effort. It’s a skill. As is choosing happiness. And with any skill, it improves with practice. So I will continue my practice and when I make mistakes, I’ll then give myself grace. And continue moving forward.

Because there is no other option but to learn from all of these moments that form my life and use them to improve myself, down to my soul.

My life is a work in progress and I want to be proud of my work. At 38, I didn’t picture my life looking like this. And when I say that, I don’t mean it in the negative. I’ve never felt like my life has had more meaning. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived a more authentic and free life than I am right now. Despite the pain, the emotional roller coaster, the crash of waves changing my direction with every strong gust of wind, I’ve honestly never felt so good.

Whatever happens in this marriage, whether we file the paperwork and legally separate or end up trying to make it work, I know the decision will not be made lightly by either of us. And no matter the decision, it will be the one that works best for the two of us.

For now, everything is too unsettled to make a decision. So that portion of life is paused while things get sorted through. And I am okay with that.

I know many of you are struggling with your own roller coaster, you’re riding your own waves that are crashing down upon you and you have no idea how to keep your head out of water long enough to breathe. I’m also guessing that so much of how you’re feeling is because of how you think you’re supposed to respond because of society’s expectations on you and the expectations you have for yourself.

Let go. Hit the pause button.

Accept the way you feel right now. Honor how you feel because exactly how you feel is how you’re supposed to be feeling. If you fight it, or if you think you can’t behave a certain way because of how others would rather you feel or act, then you aren’t accepting the lesson. This journey is yours and yours alone. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for how you feel. It sucks? Breathe in the suck. Acknowledge how badly it sucks. When others try to be the ray of sunshine and you aren’t feeling it, let them know you’d rather them just rain with you. What the “hail,” maybe even have a full out storm with you (get it? get it? Sometimes you just have to laugh. *cracking up laughing over here*). You can only walk this journey the way you know how to best. And you do know how, you’re just fighting it. Embrace the suck: it is powerful and meaningful and will fill your life with grace and love. If only you let it.

And remember, you are walking this path for you and no one else. Those that genuinely love you will understand that and will be there at any moment you need them. You are never alone, even when you feel the most isolated. So lean on them as needed and without guilt – nothing has helped me more over the last 60 days than my community and the kindness of strangers.

Choose to live out loud. Choose happiness. Choose to learn and grow. Choose to live with intentional grace and love. Then continue to practice everyday, giving grace to yourself when you’ve had a “less than” response.

Remember, mindset is everything and you are powerful enough to control your destiny. Dig deep and live with intentional grace and love. For yourself, for those you love, and for strangers you randomly pass as you live your life.

Look for the good that is all around you. Life is beautiful. Even through the suck. So go ahead and embrace it and then watch how your life transforms.

life

Honesty

A Graceful Catastrophe

I have been cautioned by some that I am saying too much, being too forward, and perhaps being a bit too transparent.

If you’ve met me, you know that I am not one to follow the rules of convention. It’s never been my style.

Societal rules tell us we should suffer in silence and put on a happy face. The problems we face should never be publicly displayed.

But why?!

We all have problems. We all have storms we’re valiantly trying to combat. Why is it perceived as a weakness to tell others that we’re struggling? Or that we’re facing challenges? Or that we’re unsure from one moment to the next whether or not we’re emotionally strong enough to keep fighting the good fight?

Perhaps it was the magnitude of my (ex) husband’s dishonesty. Perhaps it’s that I’m almost 40 and really pretty damn confident and just really don’t care what others think of me. But these moments of my life are being lived über honestly. If some stranger in the grocery store sees that my eyes have tears in them because grocery shopping was something we both enjoyed doing together and now I wander the aisles alone and she takes a moment to ask if I’m okay, she’d better grab herself some popcorn and have a seat, because I’m talking.

In some cultures, they don’t ask others how they’re doing unless they have 20 minutes to listen to the response. But here, it’s taboo.

Well, taboo schmaboo. We should all care how our fellow neighbor is doing. And we should all live authentic and honest lives. It is not a burden on others to share how you’re feeling and we, as a society, really need to change our mindset on that.

If I were trying to handle life since March 17th on my own, trying to put on a brave face and stumble through the day to day without ruffling anyone else’s feathers, I’m sure I’d be a broken disaster.

It has been so incredibly freeing to lean on others, to scream about my pain from the mountain tops, to speak honestly that life has been more than just hard.

I refuse to live silently.

Lies of omission are still lies. And I will not omit my life, my truth, from anyone – especially not from those who ask.

So, please listen to what I am saying: listen intently and with purpose. Your pain is not your burden to grasp tightly to yourself. I love you. Strangers love you. Seriously. I have received more love from strangers in the last 40 days than I probably have in my entire life combined. And it’s been beautiful. It’s reaffirmed my faith in humanity. People are good. Abundantly good.

People inherently want to help. They want to make others smile. Let them listen to you. Share your pain with someone other than yourself. If it makes you uncomfortable, start with those that love you the most. Then share with acquaintances. Before long, you, too, will be sharing with the stranger in the grocery store aisle.

Starting as soon as you read this, make this promise to yourself: I refuse to live silently.

Whisper it. Then scream it. You deserve to be heard. Your pain is valid. Live it. Feel it. Honor it.

Do not omit your life. Live authentically, ugly crying and all. An honest life is a free life. And we should all live freely. So, I am sending you, any of you in pain, all my love. Feel it and know that I am here for you.

Refuse to live silently.