So I have this friend and whenever we have a few drinks, we get all sorts of deep and philosophical. Now, I fully enjoy having deep conversations and crave that kind of mental exercise, but the couple times we’ve talked, my mind typically gets blown. And I don’t like it. Because some honest truths come out and it makes me stop and think and analyze and then over analyze not only my life, but my thoughts, too.
So, earlier this week we had one of those deep conversations. He started talking about the psychology of dating and how both men and women play games in those early stages, sometimes without even realizing that they’re doing it. This behavior, apparently, is so ingrained in our very make up that we sometimes do it subconsciously.
I was in complete denial. I’m honest. I don’t play games.
Well, not intentionally, anyway.
But then he gave very specific examples of exactly when I fell victim to the game and when I played it myself.
*facepalm*
And then, things really got real.
Being cheated on has obviously messed with me – significantly. My heart will never be the same, but honestly, I’m okay with that now. I’ve come to the realization that I can never be hurt like this again. Nothing will ever hurt as badly as having my daughter’s father cheat on me for almost a year and then repeatedly berate me for being an awful wife and blame me for his behavior. So, now I can welcome the vulnerability necessary to allow love back into my life. I know I’ll get hurt again. To me, that is an inevitable byproduct, the collateral damage, of living with an open heart. I just now know that I will recover from that pain. Because, little by little, and day by day, I’m recovering from this agony that is my current reality.
But the part of me that sucks now, and that will take goodness knows how long to heal and come back from, is the part of not feeling like I am enough.
I wasn’t enough for him.
And I feel that to my very core.
So, my friend knows this and called me out. He said that I’m going to pursue relationships where I’m getting attention and validation, rather than ones where I have genuine and solid connections.
I tried to argue with him and say that wasn’t so at all and that I’m the type of person that cares more about a real connection.
And then, later that night, as I was trying to fall asleep, that portion of the conversation entered my mind, which caused me to stop and really think about it.
I’m pretty sure I smacked my forehead.
It was absolutely true. I’ve been seeking attention, not connection.
Oof.
That’s even hard to write. That’s a gross truth. Right there. In black and white.
He was right. That’s almost as painful to write. Luckily for me, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read these blogs, so he won’t ever know I said he was right. *smirk*
So, you must know my favorite quote by now, right? I’m sure I’ve quoted her several times over the last few months. “When you know better, you do better.” Thank you, Ms. Maya Angelou.
All it took was for someone to call me “darling” or let me know that I was on his mind, and I was smitten.
With my ex, I wasn’t enough for pet names anymore. I wasn’t enough for the phone to be put down during conversations or eye contact to be made. I wasn’t enough to be randomly thought of. I wasn’t enough.
So, for the majority of the last 3.5 months, I have actively been seeking the feeling of being enough through attention and eating it up when I was receiving it.
And here’s my epiphany: it is nobody else’s job to put a value on my worth. I value my worth.
And I’ve now decided I am enough. Because I’m allowed to decide that. (Holy smokes, let the healing begin!!) He didn’t cheat because I wasn’t enough. He betrayed me over and over again because of his own reasons that I’ll probably never understand.
When you know better, you do better. I now know better and I know I don’t need external validation to feel whole. I’m a pretty damn, amazing badass woman. And I’m definitely more than enough for anyone that is lucky enough to be in any type of relationship with me. *wink*
In all seriousness, it’s finally hit me – I know I am enough. I also know that I am human and my relationship skills lack at times. And that’s where, if the relationship is valued, open and honest dialogue needs to occur and swift action should then take place.
But I surely am going to consciously work on the habit of relying on any outside person to make me feel valued.
Because here’s the kicker to all of this…if I am in a relationship – of any sort – to get validation and attention, then I’m in that relationship for all the wrong reasons. At the core of it, I am merely using the other person in order to feel worthy.
It makes me want to vomit even admitting that. Gross.
How did I never see this? It’s been so long since I have felt worthy or enough or valuable or any of those things! And this whole time, I’ve had the power to change those feelings. I’m the one, ultimately, that decides my worth.
So, as hard as that conversation was to process later that night, it’s given me incredible insight. Will I still swoon when someone calls me “darling?”
But, of course!
Will I sacrifice my non-negotiables, like I have countless times in my past, just because I am getting attention?
I’d love to say, “No, of course I won’t sacrifice my foundational necessities because he texted good morning and called me a cute pet name.” But, old habits die hard.
Which means I have to be hyper aware of this behavior. Because when you know better, you’d darn well better do better.
I’m not looking to jump into any romantic relationship or anything, but this “aha moment” has brought a level of awareness and insight that I’ve never had. This bit of info alone is a game changer for me.
In the past, when I’ve received attention, it made me feel valued. When I felt valued, I felt a connection. And that is incredibly misleading! That connection could be based on nothing more than superficial kindness and then the next thing you know, I’m trying to fit another square peg into a round hole.
That is simply so unnecessary.
And so, awareness is key. Thanks to my buddy, I have that now. I know that, historically speaking, I’ve looked for others to give me that sense of being enough and it’s caused me to chase the wrong types of relationships.
I want a strong, meaningful connection with someone that elevates me to constantly want to be a better person, to be my biggest cheerleader, my workout partner, and the person I can connect with on a deeper level than just the one who gives me superficial kindness and attention.
I know what I want and I’m going to fight those old habits of being smitten by the first person who calls me darling.
I want more. And I deserve it.
Because I now know that I am enough.
A Graceful Catastrophe 