mental health – A Graceful Catastrophe

184 Days

September 18, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

This might be the day that I quit counting. 184 days might be the “magic number.” Some time ago, a friend told me that I should quit counting the days, that it wasn’t healthy, and asked if I was waiting on some magic number of days to pass when everything would be right in my world again.

Well, it’s here.

And it only took 6 months.

I doubt I’ll finish writing in time to publish this on September 17th, but that’s the date right now. To be exact, it’s 6 months, 4 hours, and 20 minutes from the time I received the email from my ex’s Ashley Madison lovely, exposing his double life. Exposing his infidelity. And exposing just the tip of the iceberg of the multitude of betrayals that would unfold over time.

Today, I celebrate that email. Today, I have a sense of peace and calm that I haven’t had in decades. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since July 31, 1998. And even then, I was just a kid.What did I know? Now, I have so much more experience that I approach that which life hands me with a sense of peace that has probably never existed within me.

My first husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. As was my second. Over time, without realizing it, I became an entirely different person than I tried to portray. My inner dialogue was painful and harsh. I thought very little of myself, while simultaneously trying to be the person on the outside that I desperately wanted to be on the inside.

I was living a lie. And it was exhausting.

I wanted nothing more than to live an authentic life. I’ve recently looked at an old journal, from several years ago, where I specifically wrote out “live an authentic life” as one of my goals – but I couldn’t. Because my internal message never matched what I presented to the world.

And it happened again, just yesterday. I have a dear friend group of moms at my gym. There are 5 of us in total and one of the moms bought us all hats. She carefully picked out the sayings for each of us, being deliberate and intentional with our phrases.

My hat says, “I’ll bring the dance moves.” I immediately thought it was given to me ironically because, as my internal dialogue has always affirmed – I don’t dance.

But then she explained that I’m always moving at the gym, dancing to the music. And it made me pause. I do dance! I dance without a care in the world at the gym! I’m confident there, and surrounded by people that love me and are just as crazy and ridiculous as I am. It’s my safe place. And I am completely comfortable there, surrounded by my friends-turned-family, that love me dearly.

I do dance.

I am in a news video clip, promoting our gym, that was taken last week. In the clip, you can see me dancing. I knew the news crew was there, yet I was in my zone, in my happy place, and I was dancing. Without a care in the world.

I do bring the dance moves.

Such a simple moment, with such profound results.

Once again, my internal dialogue was feeding me lies! The people around me see an entirely different person than the way I see myself and that has got to continue to change. Little by little, my worlds are coinciding.

I feel as though I’m finally achieving my goal. I’m living authentically. My internal dialogue is filled with positive messages to myself.

For example, I have (had?) body dysmorphia. I’d look in the mirror and see a completely different person than what others would see in me (hmm, I’m seeing a pattern here…). I’d stand on the scale and berate myself, calling myself a heifer and other such names. I wasn’t very kind to myself. *sigh*

But why?

Looking back, I think it’s because I was beat down for so long. I wasn’t enough for the people I loved – ever. I was criticized and humiliated. Accused and attacked. For decades.

So, the external onslaught became my internal dialogue.

And then, March 17th happened. And I started seeing my therapist frequently. I don’t recall now, but I think it was once a week, though at the very beginning, it might’ve even been twice each week. I just can’t remember.

But, man, is my therapist out of this world.

(PSA: Guys, go get yourself a good mental health professional. No matter how you're feeling, seeing a therapist should be a part of your general self-care routine - even if it's quarterly, just to check in. Go.)

Okay…where was I?

Ahh, yes. My therapist calls me out. He doesn’t tiptoe around things. He knows I’m a perfectionist and tells me to knock it off, to quit playing “God.” He’s blunt. He’s seen me break down and ugly cry in his office because I didn’t believe the words he was telling me. I was so broken and had spent so many years beating myself up that I found myself unworthy. I believed the negativity my ex spewed at me. And I didn’t believe my therapist or anyone else who tried to tell me differently. Well, until this last month or so, when it just clicked after one of my appointments with him.

At this specific appointment, I left feeling defeated. I was still crying as I walked to my car. He had told me to re-frame my thoughts and gave me a replacement dialogue to use. I looked at him through my tears and shook my head. I told him I couldn’t say those things to myself because they were lies. I didn’t believe them. How could those things possibly be true???

He sighed, and with a look of sadness for me that he just couldn’t mask, he agreed to give me another option. For now, he said…one that was neutral and I was much more comfortable with saying to myself.

And I did. Anytime I needed to re-frame my inner dialogue, I repeated the second option. Until one time, I repeated the first. And it felt good. It felt honest. And I smiled. Because I believed it.

And I haven’t stopped believing my new inner dialogue.

Until I received the hat and the first thought in my head was, “I don’t dance.”

My inner voice still lies to me. I suppose we all deal with insecurities and things we’ve convinced ourselves of that, with enough confidence and self-reflection, we can find to be utterly untrue.

I do dance. Happily and ridiculously. And it took a dear friend to see that in me to make me realize this truth about myself.

I am finally listening to the positive messages people tell me. I no longer think I am unworthy of those messages. I no longer believe they’re just feeding me lines of complete garbage, just to try to make me feel better. I’m listening to the correct messages now and it’s changing who I am.

I used to worry about every little thing. I called myself a catastrophizer. I saw the negative outcome in anything. With some things, it turned into paralyzing fear.

Now, I simply ask myself, how do I feel about that right now. It is only this moment that exists. Why fret over the possible “what ifs” in life? I was a Type A planner. And worrier. I covered all the bases. Or I thought I did…

And where did that lead me?

No amount of planning can prevent life from unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. Loved ones will die. Car accidents will happen. Illness will strike. Personal catastrophes that are far worse than mere infidelity will occur – catastrophes that have no positive outcome in the end and yet, you still have to reconcile it all and try, valiantly, to move forward. (**Okay, I am not downplaying infidelity. However, so much good has come into my life from his choice to end our marriage through those means. With some catastrophes, no matter how hard you try, you cannot find the silver lining an no good will ever come from it.**)

There are some things that will still turn your world upside down, if only for a moment, regardless of how much effort you put in to make sure you’re following a certain path that has been deemed “safe” inside your head for your multitude of reasons.

So, I encourage you to live free and with authenticity (whatever that means for you. For me, it was to finally ignore the lies I’d been living with for decades).

Make sure your mind, body, and soul align to your truth.

Only listen to the voice in your head if it’s feeding you positivity. Otherwise, remind yourself that it’s all just lies and should be re-framed and shut down.

Six months later, I feel lighter than I have in a long time. The burden of the lies has been lifted. When my ex does beat me up, verbally speaking, he’s attacking triggers that used to exist. His words no longer have power over me. Where he was once able to destroy me with just a few sentences, I now simply shrug them off (okay, I might still throw in some cheap shots back, I haven’t quite mastered this whole “living with class and grace” thing). But the point is, his words do not defeat me anymore.

I am now living a life that is extremely satisfying. I am content. I feel empowered and strong. I very rarely overthink and over-analyze. And I have no fear.

Things just are.

I form my next decision based on how I feel right now, in this moment. I can’t put enough emphasis on that. Right now, this moment, is the only true reality. To me, that is the only thing that matters. If it is bringing me happiness right now, I will continue to pursue it. As soon as it evokes a negative emotion, then I change my course of action. I no longer worry about “what if” and “should’ve” and “could’ve.” Things just are. Life just is. I breathe in. I breathe out.

This is what is working for me.

I do dance. Thank you for seeing that in me, Casey. And even more than that, thank you for pointing it out to me.

And, finally, I live and love without bounds or fear of what may come or what may be. Because none of that matters. It simply doesn’t even exist, so how could it matter?

Six months later and I am finally free of the lies. I never would’ve thought, in the moments after receiving that email, that this is where the chain of events would lead me.

Who would have ever thought that I’d be so grateful that my ex cheated on me?

184. This might be my new lucky number.

Because life is so good today.

Please excuse me…I feel the need to go dance. I do that now. *smile*

life, love

Fireworks!

September 2, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

I feel anxious. But not anxious bad. Excited anxious. Things firing all over the place anxious.

There is just so much going on right now, in all aspects of my life, and I feel like my world is exploding in an entirely different way than it did 169 days ago (yes, I’m still keeping count. I’m a numbers person. I like the data. *grin*). Like, fireworks exploding.

For years and years, I felt like I had 2 lives in one, and they were never jiving together. The professional side and the personal side. Usually, the reality was I’d be rocking it professionally but sucking at the personal side of life. And I was reminded, pretty frequently over the last 6 or so years, exactly how awful of a wife I was.

But I was killing it professionally. And as a mom. I just sucked as a wife.

But right now, today, the split road has joined into one, wide, beautiful road. I picture this road as the “White Way of Delight,” for all you Anne of Green Gables readers out there. My life is finally jiving in all aspects. Professionally AND personally. Fireworks!

Thinking about where my company is going to go over this next school year gets me so excited that I feel like my insides are literally buzzing. And then, one of my best friends and I are going into business, taking a giant leap of faith – together. And it’s going to be incredible. I can feel that in my bones, too. My book is already outlined out, I just have to start writing and it will be an actual and legit book soon enough.

My friends and my community are about the best people in the whole entire world and they make my day to day a better place to exist. I couldn’t have made it past all those dark days without the support from all of you, my dearest community. You lifted me up out of the trenches time and again and I owe my everything to you. You’re all getting wine, tequila, after my book gets published and I can afford all that alcohol, but I can give you all tons of hugs in the meantime. *wink* I owe you the world for being so wonderful over these last, awful *almost* 6 months.

I cannot believe it’s been almost 6 months. Half a year already. Wow!

I feel like it was 5 years ago, though. Or, more accurately, an actual lifetime ago.

I have changed so much and I wouldn’t go back to who I used to be for a second. This new me is daring, spontaneous, and can’t be bothered to care very much about living the cautious life I once did.

This life is meant to be rocked. I’m grabbing the bull by its horns and hanging on for dear life. I’m taking risks, both personally and professionally, that I would’ve only dreamed about in the past.

I’m open to the positive energy of my world and it’s being returned to me 100 fold.

I absolutely cannot wait to see where it takes me.

And I think this is all happening now because I’m finally listening. And not just to people’s words, but to their actions. One of my all-time favorite people, Maya Angelou, once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I’m done jamming a square peg into a round hole just because I would prefer it if it fit.

I’m listening. Carefully.

And remember when I had my epiphany that I am enough? And then, if you’ve been reading my blogs and following along, you’ve seen that it’s been a roller coaster of believing it and then having to convince myself all over again.

When someone behaved in a hurtful manner in the past, or in a way that I just didn’t really appreciate, I’d think to myself, “What did I do to make them behave in such a way?”

I’d blame myself. Fully. And then beat myself up for it over and over again.

I wouldn’t necessarily always reflect, either. I just owned the other person’s actions. Because, I thought, since I wasn’t ever enough for pretty much everyone, it seemed, it was obviously my fault. Obviously, an area where I was lacking was what caused them to become upset with me – or ignore me – or whatever negative action it was.

Now, though, it’s becoming like water off a duck’s back. I no longer take it personally. I know it’s not about me. Because if it were, and if it were a valuable relationship, and I did do something offensive, then I would be approached and a proper conversation would be had.

But proper conversations are not being had. So I know it isn’t about me. And I no longer question my worth over it. It’s not about me. Because now I know I’m enough. I know that I add value to other people’s lives. And I know where my heart is.

Guys, I actually and genuinely love myself. Every single bit of me. This might be the first time in my life where that statement is true.

It’s so freeing to feel so sure about myself. It’s so freeing to approach life with absolute fearless self-confidence that I am willing to take blind leaps of faith, both personally and professionally. Like opening a completely new business, independent of my successful academic support business. And to have so much self-assurance that it will absolutely be something that makes my heart swell with pride, just like my current business does.

There’s something to be said about living a truly authentic and fearless life. I am no longer guarded against the world. I’m not even jaded like I once was. I’m learning to not overthink situations. I’m learning that, in order to live honestly and purely, to truly absorb everything life could possibly be, you must be willing to humble yourself and open your heart.

Even if it means that leads to eventual pain.

I strongly believe that a painless existence is a safe, and therefore, boring one. I do not want to live a safe, guarded life, simply to protect myself from the potential of being hurt. I am embracing this life and all that comes my way.

Because everything just is. This moment. This breath. This is the only thing that is real. And not only am I learning how to accept that, I’m also fully understanding that people’s actions towards me oftentimes have very little to do with me.

And that’s just as equally freeing of a feeling. And maybe that’s part of why I am not worried about the potential inevitability of pain. I’m overcoming a double whammy of pain – that of loss and betrayal. And I’m understanding that what pushed my ex actually had quite little to do with me. I’m also fully accepting that this is all part of my journey. And I now know just how strong I can be.

I used to get so frustrated if someone didn’t behave in a manner I wanted, or hoped, they would. Now? Well, most days, at least: whatever. Seriously. I just don’t have time for that. I have no expectations that I place on others – because as a dear friend once told me, “Expectations are just future resentments.”

So, where I once hoped others would behave in a certain way, I no longer do that. They’re going to respond to life based on the baggage they are carrying around. And that’s not my problem, nor does it have anything to do with me or my self-worth.

Everyone has their own pile of shit. Life is hard. It’s hard for literally every single person I know. And we all deal with our “hard” in our own ways. No one individual’s “hard” is any harder than anyone else’s and no one way to trudge through it is better than another.

We are all just navigating through life, hanging on for our dear lives sometimes, all while carrying our baggage and smelling our pile of shit that permanently, or at least semi-permanently, lives in front of our faces. It’s impossible to ignore (though so many of us try, in vain, to pretend it doesn’t exist.).

We can try to re-frame the negative and use new phrases in order to replace the negative self-talk. We can re-train our brain and re-focus our mindsets. But we’re still going through our own storms. And our baggage will forever be a part of our story.

And that is absolutely okay. There is nothing wrong with that. Unconditional love and understanding for others is all we can give. I no longer feel like I have to harbor anger or resentment because it has nothing to do with me. Perhaps your bag is extremely large, heavy, and awkward to carry. Mine was, too, for a while. I’m not sure if it’s getting lighter, or if I’ve just developed a better system in order to carry it, but my baggage is no longer completely weighing me down like it once did.

Let me get a little more personal with you for a second: part of my baggage is that I love attention. I crave it. It feeds me. So, when I used to not receive the attention I so desired, I would take it personally. What is wrong with me? What did I do?

Perhaps I still default to that at times, but another thing I’ve been practicing is “the Pause.” I have been trying very hard to pause before I react. And in that moment, when I’m successful, I remember that it isn’t about me. The lack of action, the lack of attention, is not because I am not worthy of it. It is because of something within the other person. Perhaps they just need time to do their own reflecting. Perhaps they’re just busy. Perhaps they’re simply clueless. *smile* Perhaps they’re struggling with how to carry their own baggage. Perhaps it’s one of a million other reasons.

But it’s not because I’m not worth it.

Putting this epiphany that I had into actual practice has been so rewarding. I’m finally internalizing it. But because it’s a practice, I am by no means perfectly knocking it out of the park. Sometimes I react, and forget about the pause. Sometimes I default to wanting to immediately apologize for doing something wrong, even though I have no clue what I did wrong. And probably actually did nothing wrong.

But, now, more often than not, I sit back and remember that it’s not about me.

Before, when I hadn’t felt worthy, I lived guarded. Scared. Nervous. Filled with anxiety. I lived a life that lacked authenticity. And in all those moments, slowly and over a lot of time, I ended up losing who I genuinely was. I became this whole new person who would rather just keep quiet in the face of the verbal abuse, crying to my friends or silently by myself, and started to only see the worst that life could offer. Looking back at who I was, how I thought, the exhaustion and fear that took over my life, the changes occurring so slowly that I didn’t realize how bad it all was until I was able to look back at it from a distance…it just makes me sad.

I get that it’s been less than 6 months since my world changed forever and that, typically, is not viewed as very much time at all. But the personal growth has been unreal. I now have the ability, the self-confidence, to put into practice the actions that I feel will continue to lead me to living a truly authentic and free life. I speak with a blunt honesty that lightens my soul. Anyone who cares to listen, or read my blogs, sees the level of transparency with which I now choose to live my life.

And with this new heightened awareness and desire to live authentically, there have been noticeable physical changes, also.

My fingers, well, the cuticles around them, are almost completely healed now. This is huge, because the more anxiety, stress, and sadness that I feel, the more mangled they become. It is an outward sign of internal chaos and pain. The skin surrounding my nails has been destroyed for months, broken open and never having an opportunity to heal because I was so broken internally.

I no longer feel broken.

I no longer feel unworthy.

I have a greater understanding of who I am, what makes me happy, and exactly what dreams I want to pursue. I have no problems telling someone close to me that they upset me or how I want to be treated, and how they can show me that they value me. I no longer internalize it and worry about hurting their feelings for telling someone that they hurt mine.

I am choosing to live with the utmost transparency and it feels so good.

This transparency and authenticity is what is finally leading me down my “White Way of Delight.” I am, at long last, feeling as though who I am professionally and who I am personally are merging into one clearly defined soul.

I feel as though the colors in my world are glowing more brilliantly, my light is shining brighter, and the love that will eventually come into my life will be unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

Because now, finally, I am listening the first time and believing it. I am no longer willing to force anything. And I clearly see who I am, who I want to be, and I understand how to be fearless and free. And, goodness, it simply feels absolutely amazing!

Side note and PSA

I believe I need to credit my incredible therapist for getting me to this stage this “quickly.” At the beginning, I saw him weekly. We then spaced it out to every couple of weeks, then once every 3 weeks, and we recently made the transition to monthly appointments. Over time, we have developed a trusting relationship. Now, he really sees me and, therefore, calls me out when I need it. He’s been an extremely valuable resource on this journey and I have no plans on stopping our appointments. Especially if you are going through something, I highly recommend finding a professional to help you through it. Friends and your community will be your constants, of course, but nothing replaces a good mental health professional.

**Side note and PSA**

Side note and PSA