Tag: unconditional love

life, love

The Gift of All Gifts

A Graceful Catastrophe

I’m not entirely certain how I feel. How I’m supposed to feel. I suppose the best way to describe it would be rather like the sky appears, shortly after the storm passes. It’s still a bit gray, perhaps with patches of darkness, but you can clearly see the silver lining amongst the clouds. And then, there are those seemingly enchanted areas, where the sun’s rays sneak through a break in the clouds, streaming unbroken all the way to the earth below.

That comes close to putting into words how I feel inside.

The other feeling I get, though, is emptiness. Hollow. There’s a distinct feeling that something is missing.

December is ordinarily my favorite month of the year. This December has been both surprisingly wonderful and disappointingly inadequate.

That, too, seems to describe life, in general, these days.

It’s 1:46 am, Christmas morning. Thankfully, my daughter is older, and will likely sleep in until around 7, and I may even get to take a Christmas day nap later on when she goes to her dad’s house. Sleep teases me tonight. I currently have no desire for it.

There are just far too many conflicting thoughts swirling around for me to find the peace necessary for sleep. For relaxation. Much like the post-storm sky, there are patches of dark and stretches of light, tangled within.

Tonight, while I was wrapping presents, my brother and his girlfriend kept me company and helped me wrap. My brother made a comment about last Christmas, and how my ex and I behaved towards one another. It was not a sweet memory. We were not happy, and it was apparent. At this point, he’d been cheating on me, unbeknownst to me, for at least the previous 7 months, most likely longer. I felt a strain in our marriage, as I had for years. So, I wanted to make Christmas extra special. My gifts to him were thoughtful and had taken months of coordination and behind-the-scenes work.

I was so excited for him to open his gifts. I remember being giddy with the anticipation.

And then I opened my gifts. He’d gotten me a variety of things from my alma mater. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love sporting gear from my alma mater. However, it was obvious that there was little thought that went into my gifts. No care. No love. Just a quick visit to a website and a few clicks later, everything was ordered. It’s funny, how the same type of gift can be received in wildly different ways. You see, I received a gift of a pair of socks representing my alma mater from a wonderful, dear new friend just last week. That gift was thoughtful and makes me smile right now as I recall the care that went into not only choosing the gift, but also in how it was presented to me. Same type of gift, significantly different message.

And here’s why.

My ex and I were together about 11 years. At that point, I’d think he’d understand me at a depth that went beyond gear from my alma mater. That’s simple. Obvious. So obvious that someone who’s known me for less than a month could gift it to me, knowing it’d make me smile.

So that’s it. That was an easy gift for my ex to give. Simple. A no-brainer. You only have to know me at a superficial level in order to know that’d please me. There was no depth to those gifts.

But why should there have been? There was no depth to our relationship. There was no care or concern for it, either. My brother’s remark about his memory from last year made that clear.

Which is why it’s better that it ended. I have an opportunity to have a real relationship. One filled with genuine love. One with depth and authenticity. Commitment. Not only commitment to one another, but to lifting one another up and encouraging growth. Someone who will push me to be the best version of myself, rather than the worst. Someone who understands my drive to be better tomorrow than who I was today. And repeat that. Everyday.

I guess what I’m processing here is that tomorrow (today?) represents so much more than just the gifts. It’s about the thought that goes into them. It’s about knowing someone so well that you know how to touch their hearts through something tangible. Now, I totally blew it with my dad this year. I knew what I was going to get him. My daughter and I had talked about it weeks ago. We ran out of time that day to go get it, so I placed it on my mental checklist. Guess who realized, while wrapping tonight, that just because you think you did something doesn’t actually mean you did it. *facepalm* My dad deserves the world be given to him and I couldn’t even remember to get him this one, tiny little thing. Ugh….

Everyone’s gift (even my dad’s invisible one), was decided upon after much thought. My ex couldn’t give me that gift last year – thoughtfulness. I remember the feeling, too, as I opened the gifts from him. While I was grateful for the gear, I remember feeling hurt that such little time and effort went into the gifts he’d chosen for me. He didn’t know me beyond the superficial. And the evidence was displayed all over the place, and reinforced with each present I unwrapped.

So, overall, this place that I’m in…I know it’s good. I know we weren’t happy. And I truly am grateful for the infidelity. And for the months of deceit. And for each and every single layer of betrayal he gifted me. Everything he was became the catalyst for who I am today.

Today, I not only understand myself better than ever before, I have a different perspective on others. I try to be more compassionate and understanding. I try to be more intentional and present (this one is still so hard for me). I try to be everything I wasn’t in my marriage. Because I am fully aware of what happens when everyone becomes complacent, bitter, and sad. When the only things you choose to see are the challenges and negatives. When your focus lands upon all the ways someone lives under expectation.

While I will never take responsibility for his infidelity, or for him choosing to spend $70 each month on a website dedicated to help married people cheat…or for his role in the demise of our relationship, I do understand my part in all of it.

I will take responsibility for my role in the demise of our relationship. I sucked as a wife. Period. No excuses as to why I sucked. There’s no justification in being a crappy human. And because I now have the privilege of hindsight and self-reflection, I’ll never be her again.

When you know better, you do better.

And every single day that passes, I know better than I did the previous day. There’s no going backwards. There’s no desire to have any sort of relationship with my ex anymore. He is someone who I am forever tied to because of my daughter and at the same time, is just someone I used to know. He doesn’t know who I am anymore. Honestly, though? He stopped knowing me a long time ago. Really, even long before he decided to put more effort into knowing other people’s wives over dinners and bottles of wine than he did into me. Our connection failed years and years ago. And we did nothing, really, to mend it back together.

Perhaps that is what this hollow feeling is? A desire for that connection. To have “my person.” To know, without any type of hesitation, that there will be someone by my side, no matter where life may take us. To have someone choose me in a way I’ve never been chosen before.

You know what’s interesting? I know now that I’m enough. I love myself deeply. I understand exactly who I am and what value I bring to relationships.

I just want someone else to see my value and understand that their life would never be the same without me in it.

Now that would be the gift of all gifts, I think. Because you know what that is? Unconditional love. And that was what I was robbed of the second my ex decided to cheat. His love was conditional, and therefore, empty.

Which has left a piece of me empty.

Now that all my shattered bits have been meticulously pieced back together, the gap that has been left behind is more apparent than ever. I surely do not need anyone outside of my community of friends and family. They fill virtually every bit of my being with love. There’s just one void.

And I’m ready for it to be filled.

So, now I understand how I feel. Christmastime represents love. Joy. Family time. I’m lucky enough to have family and friends. To have my daughter. To have a house that will be filled with love and laughter again tomorrow. And I am ever so grateful for all the things I have. My heart is full. Mostly. But I feel the loss that accompanies the love this year. It almost feels like a spotlight is shining straight into the hole. The awareness of that missing piece highlights the gloom in the sky, overshadowing the silver lining.

So now that it is after 3 in the morning (3:55, to be exact), with awareness and intentionality, I will move the spotlight away from that void. And shine my light on the love that does exist, in abundance, all around me.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May you focus on the beauty and richness that fills your life everyday, but especially today. Love is a gift. Time with those that love us is invaluable. Enjoy this new, precious day, and fill it with radiant, thoughtful, and unconditional love. Even to those, no, especially to those, that have hurt you. Because they probably need it the most today.

life, love

She Fell in Love in Greece

A Graceful Catastrophe

People say it all the time, the past creates the future, which is why we study history, right? So we, as a society, do not repeat the same mistakes of our ancestors.

But why don’t we choose to study our own histories? Like, dig in and really do some research, as though we’re trying to get our PhD in life. Because it’s hard? Come on…nothing worth it is ever easy or fast. Maybe it’s because we don’t know better.

I didn’t know better.

I feel like I’m now well on my way to earning that PhD, though. I’m exhausted. And oddly energized at the same time. I only have a Master’s Degree, but can fully recall the exhaustion and exhilaration of presenting my thesis. I can only imagine what it’s like to defend a dissertation…

Why am I exhausted and oddly energized? Well, if you’ve been reading from the beginning, you know that my life today is far different than it was 8 months ago. (And if you’re new here, feel free to go check it out. It’s been a wild ride!) So, where was I? Yes, 8 months ago, and a few hours ago, actually. At 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019, the world I knew ceased to exist. And, as it turns out, that’s a wonderful thing.

That catastrophic moment when I opened the email from one of the Ashley Madison lovelies my ex had been having an affair with forced me to spiral completely out of control and then, finally, to make a choice. Do I continue to allow my life to spiral or should I, at long last, face my reality.

I finally decided to face my reality and it has not been an easy journey. For months, this journey was anything but graceful. Though it has been priceless.

I am no longer the same woman I once was…not even close. So, who was I? Those truths are mine, for now. But I will tell you this – after some incredible amount of determination to improve my mental space, I traveled back in time to childhood and began my healing there.

What I discovered was that my childhood wounds were never taken care of properly. And then new wounds layered on top. And that continued for years. Decades, really.

All that strain and stress to my emotional self caused gaping holes that were never patched. I suppose I never quite realized they were even there to be patched. But those wounds shaped me moving forward. I was married the first time at 21 (was it really 21?!). After about a 4 month separation, I was in another committed relationship, this time with husband number 2.

Let’s take a moment to envision my emotional self as a bucket. I kept, up until, like, last week, expecting others to fill my bucket for me. Some tried. The problem, however, is that bucket was riddled with gaping holes, wounds from my past. So, any love I received, any good intention given, filled my bucket and then seeped right on out. I kept waiting for someone else to fill my bucket! Why couldn’t they make me feel as though I was enough? Why wasn’t I worthy of being treated with respect? Both husband #1 and husband #2 were verbally abusive. Both beat me down with their words. I never had any physical scars, but the emotional ones created more holes in my bucket.

If you have something that you view as garbage, how do you treat it? How do you expect others to treat it? For a very long time, for far too long, I looked at myself as garbage. I wasn’t good enough. I battled an eating disorder on and off for a decade and tried to control what I could because there were far too many disappointing aspects of myself that I couldn’t control. I was not fond of myself. I treated myself like garbage with my thoughts and internal dialogue.

Yet, I expected others to treat me differently?! Ridiculous. If I think something is garbage, it’s quite unlikely that anyone else will see any value in it. Ugh, it feels so obvious now. *facepalm*

So, there I was, with a leaky bucket, all wounded and hoping others would come along with a patch kit for me. And now here I am, a month and a half away from 39, and I finally get it.

I have to put on my own patches, radiant and sturdy ones, to plug all of those holes. But first, I have to take the time to carefully find each and every single hole. So, with so much work on myself, I am finding them, one at a time, and I am lovingly patching over my broken bucket.

I feel, now, that I’ve covered most of my holes. Let me be completely clear about this, though. It has been 8 months of losing my mind to find this space within. I’m pretty much constantly in a state of emotional exhaustion. Self-reflection, intensely studying my history, asking myself the hard questions and then journaling about it, doing all the things that has felt right for me, has been emotionally taxing. And fabulously liberating.

With so much self-love and care, my holes are mostly patched and I’m beginning to fill my own bucket. I am not garbage. I am strong. I am capable. And I am enough. I know that. I’ve proven it to myself and, as they say, the proof is in the pudding.

I traveled abroad, by myself, to meet 2 strangers I met on Instagram. They are incredible photographers, which is how I stumbled across one of their pages, and then decided to send him a message. To my utter surprise, he answered. And we began communicating with frequency. I mean, really, it was practically daily. His passion for photography was contagious and his knowledge vast. Just 12 days after I first reached out to him, I decided to go on a private photography tour with him and his business partner and I think it was that day that I booked my tickets to Greece. I don’t quite remember – it all happened very fast.

That moment that I purchased the tickets, in and of itself, was HUGE! I remember feeling pure, boundless joy. In my head, I placed a lot of weight on this trip. It was to be the symbol of my soul’s restoration to peace. A reawakening. A message to myself (and my daughter) that I can, in fact, do whatever I want to do. I am fully capable of doing all things without a man by my side.

The day I left for this epic journey, I was a mess. I should’ve cancelled my morning, as living like a proper adult was rather difficult while in that head space. But, I am an adult and there were things that needed to be done. So, I rushed about to do them. And promptly got a speeding ticket.

When I got to work, the mom and daughter opened the door, and then I immediately started to cry. They were standing there, waiting for me, with gifts to celebrate my one year anniversary of working for them. I spent most of my session crying to these beautiful people.

And then I talked both ears off my dear friend, who’d offered to drive me to the airport. It’s at least an hour and 20 minute drive. I think she maybe said 2 sentences.

Once I was all checked in, I had time to squeeze in one margarita. As I took my first sip, I smiled, and the sighed, contentedly. The woman sitting next to me noticed and made a comment. We both laughed and shortly, were engaged in conversation. I explained to her where I was going – and why. And cried again, of course.

There was a married business man sitting next to me. He had no choice but to listen to my story as I chatted with the sweet lady next to me, as he finished up both his meal and what appeared to be some work. As he got up to leave, he looked me in the eye and said, simply, “Feel better,” and after I said thank you, he left. When I finished my margarita, I went to pay the bill. The bartender told me that it’d been paid for by the gentleman sitting to my right. The “feel better” guy. I completely lost my shit right then and there. Like, full on ugly cried. I was sobbing in a bar at the airport.

This is how I started my trip to Greece.

My head was scattered. Emotional. Anxious. I was a complete and utter wreck. I was doing something unlike anything I’d done for myself before. Alone. Could I do this on my own? No, wait… How could I do this on my own?!

But I did. I made it on my flight and settled in my seat. I made my two connections, landed in Athens, and waited for the cab that was supposed to get me. I found myself in the wrong part of the airport and a kind Greek gentleman told me where I was supposed to go. I contacted my photographer friend I came to Greece to meet and do the tour with and he spoke with my cab driver, making sure he knew where to take me. I got to the bus station, bought my bus fare, ate a Greek pastry, and made it on the right bus. I rode that bus for what seemed like forever, but it was only about 4 hours, then got in a taxi to take me to my hotel, where I checked in and made my way to my room. I contacted my photographer friend that I was there, safely.

I did all of that. Yes, with the help of others, but on my own. I made it from Denver to Athens safely and with nothing lost or left behind (though I did almost forget my suitcase on the bus… *eyeroll*). I am so used to someone double checking things for me that I wasn’t sure I’d be capable of any of this on my own.

Yet, I’m here. I’m still in Greece, in the middle of my photography tour, with 2 of the most wonderful humans I could’ve ever connected with. And they started as random strangers that I met through pretty pictures on instagram. (** Side note. Picture this. I wrote to one of them and told him that his pictures made me want to go there and see it all in person. Today, I saw through his lens, literally and figuratively, as I took my own pictures in the exact locations his pictures portrayed. Actively live life and things will happen that will blow your mind! **)

I took a risk. Somehow, I was able to force myself to take that risk, realizing I’d never prove to myself that I was “enough” of anything until I actually did something of some great magnitude. And now it’s paying off in ways I probably still don’t even realize. I have been in Greece for only 3 full days. I still have 4 full days to go.

And I’ve already fallen in love. Completely. Madly. Wildly.

I’ve fallen in love in Greece…with myself.

My bucket’s patches are holding strong – for now. Of course it’s a patch job, so there will be leaks and cracks that are bound to occur. Which is why this, proper self-care, is now a lifelong act. I cannot ever expect anyone else to make me feel as though I am enough. I have to believe it first for myself. I have to see my worth. I have to know that I am priceless.

And I do. Every single day is magical. Every day I have a choice to talk to myself rather than to simply listen to the old messages. Well, those messages? They’re being erased and replaced with a mantra I now tell myself throughout the day. The words are positive and reflect strength. They are superbly healing. My conversations within are filled with light and love for myself. When I begin to doubt, or self-criticize, or feel unworthy, I switch to my mantra and repeat it until I feel it burning true in my soul.

I am strong. I am capable. I am enough.

The more I say it, the more I believe it to be true. The more it becomes my internal message during times of doubt, stress, and hurt. No longer do I need to seek the attention from others to make me feel good and valued. It isn’t anyone else’s job to do that. Sure, do I like it when others make me feel good? Of course! Genuine compliments are beautiful and they make me smile. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

But I no longer depend on them. I see me. I see my worth. And you know what that means?

I am free. And I am happy. More so than I think I have ever felt in my entire adult life. The love and radiance in my heart and soul is pure bliss. So much, that I frequently find myself with a little smile on my face and then I sigh contentedly (much to one of my photographer’s unease *hehehe*).

All is good in this world of mine. And it just keeps on getting better. I am, quite honestly, now looking forward to this journey. Life is nothing but an adventure and I’m finally strong enough to see it that way.

So, if you find yourself struggling with your own self-worth, I would highly recommend you push out of your comfort zone – whatever that means to you. See what you’re actually capable of that you never thought you could do. Safely, obviously. Perhaps it’s sitting alone at a restaurant, enjoying a meal with only your own thoughts to keep you company. Perhaps it’s going to Target alone after dark. Those were both things I started with, both rather benign activities to some but that made my heart race and palms sweaty. Safely, with calculation, push yourself out of your comfort zone. Start small. Be smart about it. And then watch yourself grow and see where it leads.

I can promise you this, though: there is no better feeling than unconditionally loving yourself. You’ll be amazed with what follows when that finally happens. Tonight, I am sending my love to you all. May you feel it, understand how to create it from within, and go fall in love with yourself. And then keep doing so, throughout every moment of this marvelous life of yours.

You are strong. You are capable. You are enough. ❤️

Photo Credit: Chris Nanos www.theatlasroamers.com
life

Nobody Should Ride a Roller Coaster Alone

A Graceful Catastrophe

I’ve dreamed of being an author since I was in the 4th grade. My closest friends have encouraged me, for as long as I can remember, to carve out time during the day to write. One of my bestest friends of all time gave me two journals, one pocket-sized, so that I can never have an excuse that I’ve lost a potential book idea. I carry the pocket-sized one with me at all times and I write down book ideas and inspirations that I get randomly throughout the day.

I have so many ideas for books. And they are all written in those journals. Perhaps one day I’ll actually write one of those books.

But for now, I have a monster book brewing in my head. It’s a memoir/guidebook of sorts. I’ve lived through my fair share of trauma, this latest catastrophe being the most destructive. Yet, I’m still smiling – well, most of the time. I have a lot of stories to share, a lot of lessons learned and even more that are yet to be learned. And you all seem to connect with what I write.

It makes me wonder what could happen at a much larger scale.

So, this blog that I am currently writing is dedicated to one of the potential chapters of my future book. Please tell me how you like it.

Chapter Something

Processing life after a catastrophic trauma is so much like riding a roller coaster. You feel clammy all the time, with moments where you want to cry to moments where the tears are from laughter. You’re so nauseated. All. Of. The. Time. You don’t dare eat because you just know you’ll throw up after coming down from that first big hill. And if you’ve ever ridden a roller coaster, you know all of those sensations, all of those feelings, are valid. They’re normal.

The same is true when processing great catastrophic life events.

When I was younger, a trauma occurred and I felt so isolated, so scared, so confused. I didn’t understand what I felt or why I was feeling it. And I was ever so ashamed. Even though it’s 20 years later, and I’m going through a significantly different situation, though of catastrophic proportions once again, it is just as confusing and scary, and also again, I feel shame. Though this time around, I’m not isolated. I have chosen to share my story. To live out loud. To talk about all of my feelings with anyone who will listen. I will not be silenced. And I will not be bullied or threatened into keeping my story to myself.

I am screaming my story to anyone who will listen.

And, damn, is that ever so helpful!

It’s helpful because it reminds me that I’m not alone. So many other people have experienced my same pain. They’ve told me that I could be writing the words that are engraved on their hearts.

The last thing you want, after experiencing sudden devastation, is to feel like nobody would understand what you’re going through, to think that you are living this chaos alone. Yet, so many people do. They suffer in silence. They don’t want to be a burden on others.

Guys, I have burdened so many of you! And because of that, I have been held up, physically and emotionally. You have been my lighthouses, shining your bright lights into the darkest places of my mind, never relenting until it penetrates my soul. And none of you have made me feel like a burden.

It’s human nature to want to help others! We desperately want to comfort other people – even strangers. Though we especially want to be there for those closest to us. And when I lay my troubles into their hands, it helps. I feel lighter. They empower me, help me feel embraced, loved, and supported. They help me acknowledge that while I currently have shit in between my toes from it hitting the fan and going everywhere so then I of course can’t help but step in it, it won’t always be there. Not only do they remind me that it won’t always be there, they actually get their hands dirty and help wipe it away.

The community you allow into your life wants to be there. They want to lift you up. They want to see you succeed and grow and flourish. They want to shower you with love and support.

So let them in. And burden your community with your troubles. You will find yourself in a much better place to cope with the turmoil in your heart and you’ll probably even find that certain relationships within your community strengthen. Friendships deepen to levels you didn’t really think would be possible in such a short amount of time.

So dare to live your story out loud. Find the strength to speak your truth. Start with one person, and then let the flood gates open. You’ll be so surprised by not only the sympathy, but also by the empathy. People will feel badly for you, feel angry with you, cry with you, get drunk with you, and laugh with you.

Others will connect with your soul. They’ll understand you before you even understand yourself. Because they’ve walked a thousand miles in your shoes already. They’ve worn them in for you, making your navigation through the storm perhaps just a wee tiny, little bit easier.

Not everyone will agree with you reaching out to anyone who will listen. And that is okay. This isn’t their path to travel, nor is it their wave to ride. As long as you find peace in sharing your story with others, keep right on narrating your life. Your community will make it known who wants to listen, who feels comfortable being your lighthouse. So follow their beacon and expose your heart. The more raw and exposed I have lived in these last 2 months, the less alone I have felt.

And I just can’t say it enough. You do not want to feel alone while weathering your storm. Many in your community will definitely be able to sympathize. And at least one person will be able to empathize. They will wrap their arms tightly around you, flooding your whole body with a warm embrace that is electrified with their unconditional love and support, and they’ll shower you with forehead kisses. Your community is waiting, at the ready, to do whatever it takes to convince you that you are not alone.

Find them and lay your sadness, your fears, your anger and your anguish into their awaiting hands. If you bend too far, and end up broken, hand them all of your broken pieces. And do so without shame or worry of being a burden. Because they are waiting there, judgement free, with duct tape to slowly help piece you back together.

Your community loves you. Unconditionally. Lean on them and let that love fill you until you feel strong enough to survive another moment.

And before you know it, you are no longer merely surviving. Thanks to them, suddenly one day you are thriving.

As I write this, the lyrics to the song, “Lean On Me,” popped into my head. Specifically, these:

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show”

Lean On me
bill withers

That Mr. Withers sure knew what he was talking about! Be unashamed of your roller coaster. Swallow your pride and lean on your community because your feelings are valid and shouldn’t be felt in isolation.

Nobody should ride a roller coaster alone.

life

Everyone Needs a Lighthouse

A Graceful Catastrophe

According to the National Park Service’s website, a lighthouse “is a tower with a bright light at the top” and its purpose is to “serve as a navigational aid and to warn boats of dangerous areas.”

I am in a boat. And I’m out sailing the turbulent waters of this catastrophe, in areas of the vast sea that appear ever so scary and dangerous.

You all, well, most of you, are my lighthouses. You shine your bright light straight into my soul, illuminating my path, cautioning me away from the dangerous areas. You remind me that my actions impact my daughter…because I’m not sailing alone. You remind me that I am strong. You remind me that not only should I live my life with grace and class, I am also fully capable of it.

You remind me that my feelings are valid. That anger is an appropriate response at this juncture. I’ve only been navigating this storm for 2 months. You remind me that it will get better. You remind me that I am not alone. You share your stories with me, giving me perspective from the other side.

You envelop me with love. So. Much. Love! You make it so that I can hold my head high and choose to live with compassion. Because you remind me of how loved I am. And when you’re loved unconditionally, you are capable of anything.

You. My lighthouses. You have helped to navigate me away from such nasty waters, ones that I almost sank in.

Tonight, I’ve found a patch of calm sea. I’m drifting in a bit of peace. Because you’ve given me the strength to steer my boat out of danger.

I appreciate you for lifting me up, for shining your beautiful light in my direction, for helping guide me back to who I am at my core.

Tonight, after being home for all of about 5 minutes, my ex and I had yet another heated exchange. I told him, again, that I hated him. And then I went to my room and read and re-read your messages to me. Love flooded through me. And soon enough, so did my internal strength. I want to give grace. I want to be understanding. He’s the father of my child. A man I have a lot of history with and someone I wouldn’t have ever married had he not been a good person. He may not deserve grace right now, but I want to give it to him. After spending some time breathing and reading your messages that were all filled with beautiful love, I went downstairs and asked my ex if we could talk.

And we did.

It started a bit rough, but I was filled with your light and your love, so I was able to remain calm. Eventually, his anger dissipated. You know, I am not someone who enjoys being filled with hate. I am a peaceful, compassionate, and loving person. It just takes so much awful energy to feel such an intense negative feeling. It is toxic and I don’t enjoy who I am when I’m filled with it.

So tonight, I was able to let it go. Again.

I’m angry. Hurt. Sad. Emotional. I mean, I’m pretty much a general mess. But I’m not filled with that rage and hate anymore. It is no longer all consuming. I was able to let it go – and without punching something this time. And I feel so much lighter again.

These blogs are personal. They’re raw. And they’re written in real-time. So because of that, I am able to receive your unconditional support and love in real time. I receive your beautiful light and it shines so strongly into my soul that it is overwhelming and brings me to tears, in a most amazing way. Thanks to you, I was able to process through this negative space of the last several days without resorting to behavior that I could potentially regret (like a broken hand).

And my ex and I are in a decent place once again. He apologized. I apologized. We want to be better to one another. To do better. I know he genuinely wants to improve how he responds to the stressors in his life. When it comes to stress and choosing how to respond – with fight or flight – he has pretty much always chosen to fight. He gets backed into a corner and he lashes out. It isn’t right – and he knows that. And just like Maya Angelou says, when you know better, you do better.

I know better, too. I know that the best way to approach life is with grace, compassion, and understanding. You catch a whole lot more flies with honey than you do with vinegar…isn’t that the saying?

At times I’m so hurt that I feel broken. But you put me right back together. You lift me up, taking turns when it all just gets too heavy for any one of you. But there has always been someone else to take your place, jump in, and show me love.

So, thank you for that message. I am paying it forward and showing my ex that same message. And hopefully he can learn how to pay it forward and show grace and compassion when life gets just a little too uncomfortable, rather than go on the attack.

We live what we know. I am fortunate enough to know unconditional love from so many different people. Now that I’m filled with it, I want to live that love you all have shown me, time and time again.

I am not broken. Maybe I’m cracked. And I’m definitely not shattered. My boat is intact for the most part, though perhaps taking on just a little water. I have the resources necessary to make sure my boat doesn’t sink. I won’t drown. And I’m beyond grateful for those resources.

I am choosing to live with grace again. I am choosing to use my resources to help me grow and have a better tomorrow than I did today. My boat will be stronger every day…because of you all.

My ex may not deserve the grace but deep down, he is a good person. He’s just lost. We live what we know and I want him to know that there are better ways to respond to stressful, awful situations than to lash out and attack. He needs a lighthouse. Perhaps I will start building one for him, one beautiful brick at a time, built with compassion, grace, and understanding.

Everyone needs a lighthouse.

life

Embrace the Suck

A Graceful Catastrophe

I am currently separated from a man who is seemingly entirely different from the one I was once married to. This guy is everything I’d hoped my husband could’ve been. He’s vulnerable, thoughtful, insightful, reflective, and genuinely kind.

It only took him hitting rock bottom, making incredibly selfish and hurtful decisions, day in and day out for almost a year, and then losing his family for him to wake up. That’s what he calls it – that he’s had an awakening.

When I first told people what’d happened, and that I was leaving my husband because of it, I also said that I had no idea what that meant for us. Some days I told people that there was no way I would give my marriage a chance again. Other days I responded with not knowing if this would be permanent or if some day, down the road, we’d try to make our marriage work again. The most insightful and loving of people responded with three common replies:

  • you do not have to make any decisions right now,
  • you have to do what’s right for you and your family and only you know what that means, and
  • I support you with whatever decision you make, even if it is to take him back.

I have some pretty incredible people in my life. The lack of judgement shown by the family and friends that surround me has been vitally important to me while I’m on this journey. I’m on a roller coaster and how I feel from one minute to the next varies so significantly that I sometimes think I’m no longer even remotely sane.

Every time I feel the most unbalanced, I reach out to my community. I am not shy about what is going on in my life and because of that, I have people ready to lift me up from every corner of my world. I have been embraced with unconditional love and understanding from “my people.” They are helping me ride this wave and process through all the emotions so that I can reach a logical decision on what it is I want to do moving forward.

I still don’t know.

There’s a lot of work that has to be done between here and there. And I’m so thankful this is not a decision I have to make quite yet. There are still so many emotions clouding my vision that now is not the time to think about anything past today.

So I take it all one moment at a time. That’s probably one of my biggest takeaways from the last 7.5 weeks. I am much better now at not having expectations. I’m much better at just living in the moment and enjoying what this second is bringing me. And I’m also much better at understanding that, while maybe this second sucks, it won’t forever, so keep breathing through it.

I also know that I know nothing. I think I may know something, but, as it turns out, I don’t. And boy, is that ever a freeing feeling! And the only thing that is certain is that nothing is ever certain. Everything is capable of being susceptible to change. And every person is, too. If they truly want to change.

By living with grace and understanding, it turns out my daughter isn’t the only one watching. I am not only showing her how to not hit walls when she’s angry and hurt, I’m showing my (ex) husband, too. And he’s actually seeing it. *mind blown*

He’s got a long road ahead, one of intense healing for the broken, sad little boy that lives within him. And I think he just might be ready to embark on his journey.

You see, if you surround others with love, while holding them accountable, amazing transformations can occur. I’ve seen it all around me. I’ve heard story after story from women who have sent me private messages that they, too, have survived marital affairs and their marriages are now better than ever. I used to have all sorts of judgments and opinions on how a person should behave under certain circumstances. I no longer do. Humans are a truly remarkable species. We’re capable of so much that defies logic. We’re capable of anything that we really, truly, honestly want to achieve. Remind yourself of that. Highlight that sentence. Write this on a sticky and place it on your bathroom mirror: I am powerful.

Mind over matter.

Mindset is everything.

I don’t know yet if we will be one of those positive statistics of a renewed and rekindled marriage but I do know the man my ex is today is not the man he was 2 months ago. And I am not the person I was 2 months ago, either. Both of those versions of ourselves are dead. And who he becomes after this catastrophe, who I become, is up to no one other than ourselves. It hasn’t been easy but I am proud for how I’ve handled myself through this catastrophe. Broken hand, emotional meltdowns, and all. Because I’ve tried, over and over for the last 60 days, to take the high road, to give grace to someone who hadn’t shown that he deserves it.

He’s showing he deserves it now. So while I make no promises, while I am still riding this wave, I will continue to do so with the purest of love and grace that I can muster. I started to behave this way for my daughter but as time goes on, I realize it’s so much bigger than that.

And today, at this part of my journey, I am hopeful. I guess what I’m hopeful for, at the very core of it all, is that my ex can find a way to release the pain he has harbored for well over 3 decades, that he can be genuinely happy on the inside, and that he can begin to reflect that out into the world.

If all of us choose to dig deep, to find true happiness within, then the wave we ride is a bit less tumultuous, isn’t it? When we approach life, and others, with nothing more than genuine love and grace in our hearts, then everyone wins. Life is a bit sweeter. Interactions purer. Hearts fuller.

I choose to live my life like this. Intentionally filled with grace.

Of course I’ll have moments where I let the emotions get the best of me. I’m still a work in progress, still very human. Living with intentional grace takes effort. It’s a skill. As is choosing happiness. And with any skill, it improves with practice. So I will continue my practice and when I make mistakes, I’ll then give myself grace. And continue moving forward.

Because there is no other option but to learn from all of these moments that form my life and use them to improve myself, down to my soul.

My life is a work in progress and I want to be proud of my work. At 38, I didn’t picture my life looking like this. And when I say that, I don’t mean it in the negative. I’ve never felt like my life has had more meaning. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived a more authentic and free life than I am right now. Despite the pain, the emotional roller coaster, the crash of waves changing my direction with every strong gust of wind, I’ve honestly never felt so good.

Whatever happens in this marriage, whether we file the paperwork and legally separate or end up trying to make it work, I know the decision will not be made lightly by either of us. And no matter the decision, it will be the one that works best for the two of us.

For now, everything is too unsettled to make a decision. So that portion of life is paused while things get sorted through. And I am okay with that.

I know many of you are struggling with your own roller coaster, you’re riding your own waves that are crashing down upon you and you have no idea how to keep your head out of water long enough to breathe. I’m also guessing that so much of how you’re feeling is because of how you think you’re supposed to respond because of society’s expectations on you and the expectations you have for yourself.

Let go. Hit the pause button.

Accept the way you feel right now. Honor how you feel because exactly how you feel is how you’re supposed to be feeling. If you fight it, or if you think you can’t behave a certain way because of how others would rather you feel or act, then you aren’t accepting the lesson. This journey is yours and yours alone. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for how you feel. It sucks? Breathe in the suck. Acknowledge how badly it sucks. When others try to be the ray of sunshine and you aren’t feeling it, let them know you’d rather them just rain with you. What the “hail,” maybe even have a full out storm with you (get it? get it? Sometimes you just have to laugh. *cracking up laughing over here*). You can only walk this journey the way you know how to best. And you do know how, you’re just fighting it. Embrace the suck: it is powerful and meaningful and will fill your life with grace and love. If only you let it.

And remember, you are walking this path for you and no one else. Those that genuinely love you will understand that and will be there at any moment you need them. You are never alone, even when you feel the most isolated. So lean on them as needed and without guilt – nothing has helped me more over the last 60 days than my community and the kindness of strangers.

Choose to live out loud. Choose happiness. Choose to learn and grow. Choose to live with intentional grace and love. Then continue to practice everyday, giving grace to yourself when you’ve had a “less than” response.

Remember, mindset is everything and you are powerful enough to control your destiny. Dig deep and live with intentional grace and love. For yourself, for those you love, and for strangers you randomly pass as you live your life.

Look for the good that is all around you. Life is beautiful. Even through the suck. So go ahead and embrace it and then watch how your life transforms.

life

34 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

It’s been 34 days since I found out my husband had been cheating on me since last May. It’s really quite incredible how much can occur in a mere 34 days. And it’s even more amazing how much one can process and grow after experiencing trauma.

I learned that I am capable of emotions I didn’t even think were real. I’ve learned that I am capable of choosing how to digest life. I’ve learned that I can have completely different answers to the same questions, depending on the day, and sometimes the hour, and fully believe that each answer is accurate, though they may be polar opposites. I’ve learned that I can be forgiving in a situation I once judged the heck out of and I’ve learned that PTSD can come in moments as simple as receiving an email notification.

I’ve been uplifted by my community, showered with generosity at levels that have made me cry, been hugged and supported more times than a person should need in just 34 days. I have felt genuine and beautiful love from people who were complete strangers 6 months ago and caring, sweet concern and love from people I’ve known since childhood. My immediate family has rallied behind me, showing me unconditional love by just being there to listen.

I broke my hand and have felt no physical pain, yet experienced emotional pain that cut through my soul. I’ve laughed wonderfully one minute, then ugly cried the next minute. I went from wishing my (ex) husband were dead to hugging him and crying with him, and trying to be empathetic with him about his pain.

All in 34 days.

The 27 or so hours that occurred between this last Thursday night and Friday night were some of the most difficult yet. The mindset I’d chosen after coming back from North Carolina this last Monday has treated me well. I liked the space I was entering. I felt mentally and emotionally strong.

And then something happened that triggered my (ex) husband, something that caused an interesting array of feelings to suddenly appear.

You see, in order to do what he did to me, his head space was such that he didn’t love me anymore. Because no one who actually adores their partner would ever do something like that, over and over again, for almost a year. He didn’t even care about me.

Or so he thought. He realized, late Thursday night, early Friday morning, that he does care about me deeply. He may still love me. And has been consumed with self-hatred, regret, and shame since. He’s finally feeling a fraction of the hurt I feel. He’s discovered empathy.

This has been so hard for me.

You don’t stop loving your husband immediately when something like this happens. Perhaps some people do, but I sure didn’t. He’s a good person, he has a great heart, and he’s the father of my child. So, I had to shut down that love. I had to turn it off. It’s not that I’ve fallen out of love, it’s that I had to bury the love in order to maintain a semblance of sanity.

I also stopped focusing on the pain of the betrayal. I buried the person he was to me. His role as husband was officially dead. Instead, I chose to consciously see him as the person he is to me – still the father of my child and someone who has all the potential to be a great friend. By changing his definition, by choosing to focus my thoughts differently, is how I’ve been able to gracefully move forward. My newly constructed mindset is still quite fluid, though. I’m still grieving, and some days, living through those day to day moments is still a struggle. I am very much still in survivor mode. I’m just here for the journey, riding the wave until the seas calm.

And then the full realization of not only his actions, but his feelings he’d buried so deep, come boiling to the surface, exploding out in such an emotional burst, that it took us both by surprise.

How do I process that?! This doesn’t fit in my nice little mindset frame that I built.

So, yesterday I tried handling it by working out until I was stupid (does anyone else turn dumb after intense workouts?? Is that a thing? Seriously, inquiring minds want to know…), because feeling physical pain and exhaustion is far easier to comprehend than emotional pain and exhaustion. And today I worked out again, pushing my body to its limits, causing me to feel that euphoric high that occurs when you crush a goal.

And you know what? I’m processing it all much better today.

Add that to the list of things I’ve learned in the last 34 days: having a healthy outlet to turn to when the emotions just get too much is life saving. Without exercise, without the community at my gym, I don’t know where I’d be. Having a healthy response (exercising) to wild emotions helps keep me from *accidentally* breaking my bones. I know, a shocking concept, right? *eyeroll*

After my last workout of the day today, my head felt less foggy, my emotions less erratic. My mindset has changed a bit – again – focusing now on the hope that through this pain and trauma, both of us will become better people. We can’t change the past, the choices that were already made, but we can surely focus on becoming better humans. We can both choose to move forward with grace.

David Crosby wrote about pain that was beautiful, really. He said, essentially, that “your pain is changing you.” There is no doubt that this pain is changing the both of us.

This chapter of my life is a full on storm filled with blinding pain and, therefore, an abundance of opportunities to show grace and compassion. I feel that I am a completely different person today than I was 35 days ago. At first I was sad when the old me died, as she was very good to me. Now, in just this short period of time, I’m finding I love the new me even more. Already.

Imagine what 68 days from now will look like. A full year. I don’t know why I’m on this path but there is a purpose to it. Nothing happens to us by accident.

So I, as best as I can, now embrace the trauma. I am grateful for the pain. Without the last 34 days, I would’ve never been who I am now becoming.

We all live through storms, some of our storms are more like a Cat 5 hurricane, some just a quick thunderstorm passing by. One is not greater than the other, all storms come with moments to embrace the ugly and hurt and turn it into something beautiful.

We just have to frame our mindset to see the beauty, rather than the pain. While I fully acknowledge that this isn’t possible all the time, I’ve learned that mindset is everything. We paint our world with our thoughts…and then have to live in that world. Why not make it full of rainbows and butterflies?

So, as you navigate your storms, both present and future, choose your thoughts wisely. As will I.

And always remember, we are all stronger than we think. We all have the ability to overcome.

My strength, currently, comes from reflecting on how much has happened, how much I’ve changed in just 34 days. It gives me hope for the next day, as that is all I can focus on right now. This storm has already lessened in its intensity and I know I’ve already grown exponentially.

I have hope for tomorrow again.

And it’s only been 34 days.