When the House Burns Down

The other day, I was chatting with a dear friend. I was updating her on the most recent news of this catastrophe when she said something that absolutely hit home. She said, “When you burn down the house, you don’t have a say in what happens to the ashes.”

Today, I was talking with another dear and wonderful friend. I was also updating her on where my mind is and she came up with this analogy. If you’re drunk driving with your best friend in the car, and you get in an accident where the best friend is killed, you have massive amounts of guilt and emotional trauma to deal with. And you also go to jail. There are consequences for actions, no matter how badly you may feel about your actions after the fact.

A month ago, when I was visiting a friend out of state, one of her friends helped me create an account on a dating app. Since then, I have gone out on dates with 4 different men, 2 of which were a complete bust. The other 2 dates were wonderful and we’ve gone on more dates since. If you’d like details on those dates, I’m more than happy to share them with you. I am telling you this for two reasons: 1.) I am not ashamed, and 2.) my ex’s verbal and emotional abuse no longer have power over me. I have been threatened by my (ex) husband that he is going to tell everyone what I am doing so I just may as well beat him to the punch and take away his power. He cannot control me anymore. *shrug*

I am choosing to live my life – my single life – as I see fit. My ex is no longer a person I know, nor trust. He’s a stranger to me. Yet, in many ways, he still behaves in all the ways I recognize – as just tonight he showed that ugly side of himself to me again. He tries to manipulate me with his words and his physical presence, he tells me that he talks with girlfriends of mine who, behind my back, are judging me and supporting him. While I am glad he is being supported, his attempts at manipulating me by using my friends, fall upon deaf ears. Whatever world he is painting, I no longer have to be a part of, and I’m completely shuttered off to him.

He no longer has power or control over me – and it’s destroying him. I think he has always equated love with emotional manipulation. It was how he was raised. He knows no better. He doesn’t understand why I won’t stop what I am doing and just give him a chance – even though I tell him repeatedly that I do not believe his words are genuine. And his actions back me up.

Tonight, I was threatened in a number of ways and every time I told him that he was threatening me, he appeared clueless. My ex is spiraling fast, and is trying so hard to take me down with him, but I am stronger than that.

I am thankful for my girls, my constant stream of support, that help me process my emotions. For years I fell into my ex’s manipulative traps. Now, when I feel myself starting to fall for his angry and manipulative attempts, I have my girls to sound off to, and they remind me of who I am.

I am strong. I do not owe him anything. And I especially do not need to give him my time when it is spent with him attacking me and trying to manipulate my feelings. Stressful situations help people reveal their true colors. For the most part, I have chosen to live life through this catastrophe with grace and understanding. While this blog might be filled with a bit more drama than it is grace, I felt I need to lay it all out there. I have friends dealing with guilt and emotional manipulation and I’m sure many more of you are, as well.

If you dealing with any negativity, hear my words. You owe nothing to anyone, not even your time. You do not need to put up with any guilt trips, any attempts at emotional blackmail, any attacks to your character. You are doing the best you can with the cards dealt to you. Own your strength and shut down the other person’s negativity by being completely shut off to it – do not feed into it! If you do not acknowledge it, you do not give it power. Tell the other person, over and over, that they no longer have control over you and you will not be manipulated anymore. It is not your problem how others react to your behavior.

It is not my problem how my ex chooses to respond to my behavior. I am being upfront and honest with him, answering all of his questions with truthful statements. I am not betraying him. I am not attacking him. I do not lie (daily) straight to his face. We are here today because of a complete disregard, by him, of his vows, and his family.

On March 17th, 2019, at 6:08 pm, my marriage broke. It ended. I no longer have a husband and haven’t for just about exactly 2 months now. It’s been 8 and a half weeks. The man I once thought I knew, the man I desperately tried to see, the one that was loyal and honest, stopped existing then. And the one I see now, the disloyal, manipulative, selfish, willing to do and say whatever it takes to get what he wants person, is now in his shoes.

And he wants me to be friends with him. This “new” guy my ex thinks he is wants me to contemplate a future with him. He says he wants to fight for us, to fight for me. And in the same moment, barely a second later, he threatens and verbally attacks me.

Interesting why I wouldn’t be open to being vulnerable and giving that guy a second chance. *eyeroll*

I refuse to be vulnerable. I refuse to indulge him by being a willing participant on his roller coaster ride. I refuse to be emotionally manipulated and verbally attacked.

I refuse.

Our broken family was not caused by me being unwilling to give him a second chance. Our broken family was caused by his selfish and narcissistic behavior. Our broken family was caused when he decided to join Ashley Madison and sleep around on every business trip he went on rather than put in any honest effort into making a failing marriage work.

He burned down this house.

Now I’m cleaning up the ashes in the way that I see fit.

Perhaps I am emotionally closed off – not only to him, but to others as well. I am riding my own roller coaster ride and am incredibly vulnerable from one second to the next, as I deal with the messy residue staining my life. I surely do not need to make myself vulnerable to a man who continues to attack and abuse me.

I am stronger than that.

So, if you have any opinions that you’d like to share as to how I should be cleaning up the ashes of my house that was purposely burned down, please, share them with me. Also understand that in doing so, I may close myself off to you, too, to protect myself.

I will not allow myself to be attacked by anyone. Ever. Again.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go wash the soot off my hands.