life – Page 3 – A Graceful Catastrophe

Cliffhanger

December 27, 2019December 27, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

My mind is buzzing, electrified. I can picture my thoughts as these tiny, wee, little blobs with legs, jumping from neuron to neuron, laughing in delight. Mocking me.

I can’t catch one, though. I feel like I have to write, like I have to get out what’s in my head, but I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I’m supposed to write about. My thoughts are taunting me, skating about on the edge of consciousness.

Perhaps that is exactly where I should begin. On the edge.

You see, we’re on the edge right now, ready to dive into the new year. I’m on the edge, too, ready to dive into 39 (which my friend happily reminded me is actually the beginning of my 40th year. Gee, thanks for that clarification. *facepalm*)

And yet, this edge that I’m precariously (this word can mean a great deal of things, so I figured I’d include a synonym for how I’m choosing to use it in this sentence: daringly) balanced upon feels more stable than anywhere I’ve been standing at any point during all of my adulthood.

As I look around at my life, both figuratively and literally, I see that no matter which direction I choose to step off this edge, I’m going to fall into something unbelievably marvelous. And how do I know this? Because I am the one captaining the ship. I am wholly and completely in charge of all aspects of my success and happiness, in regards to my daughter, friends, work, love, or any other element of my life, both significant and inconsequential.

To finally understand this, to at long last possess this knowledge, is a gift. It’s a gift because I no longer live in fear – not of the future, not of falling in love, not of leaving my house after dark, and definitely not of being alone. Life should actually just be viewed as the greatest cliffhanger of all time – none of us know how anything will end, but it’s that uncertainty that makes it exciting (description of the word “cliffhanger’ taken from the Cambridge online dictionary).

Goodness, I truly do love living on the edge and in the space of the unknown! It’s absolutely bold, and perhaps a touch reckless, and surely not for everyone, but it just feels so free. I feel so free! For months and months, life felt heavy. I felt like the weight on my shoulders was so much that I’d never be able to rise again.

Today, I feel so light and free that I could almost float away. Almost. I’m still trying to remain grounded. I have a vision of where my life will be in 2 years. And, boy, does it ever excite me. Sure, it’ll probably change 2,034 more times in the next 24 months. And you know what? That is totally and completely okay.

I welcome change and bumps in my path along the way. They all serve a purpose, and I get the opportunity to grow from them. I do not fear pain. I will never again avoid something – whether it’s feelings or a physical act of doing something – because I’m afraid. I’m not scared of adversity. I have scars that mark all the aches and, let’s be real, moments of utter agony, that I’ve experienced. Those scars, though…I now see they simply add to my internal beauty. Scars that I wouldn’t hide for anything because they’ve made me everything I am in this moment. And I am no longer somebody who hides away.

You see, over these last months, I’ve been hurt. A few times. There are fresh scars.

But the thing is, when you’ve been shattered, pain becomes relative. You understand it will always be there. There will always be new opportunities for life to dish out pain. And yet, nothing will ever hurt you like the time when catastrophe struck and rocked you to your core.

You become bulletproofed, in a way.

Here’s the thing, which really is quite magical now, nobody will ever offer me the same profoundly deep wound that the father of my child delivered. The level of hurt that occurs from the person who helped you create a family together, when he cast the final blow, thereby destroying it, will be unparalleled for the rest of my life.

So for him, and for that, I am grateful. Because I can now live free. I can allow myself to be as vulnerable as I want because no matter what discomfort occurs along the way, I know I will come out on the other side stronger than I was before. And I have no doubt because I’ve come back from much, much worse.

The coolest thing about where I’m at though? It’s that I’m done begging. I seek understanding, of course. But I’m not going to beg somebody to see me. I see me. And if you aren’t in the position to, I fully understand that isn’t about me. Because I no longer question my worth. I know I’m enough.

The right people will see that in me, also. And it’ll take no convincing. They’ll just know. The relationship will be effortless. My friendships feel this way. And someday a romantic relationship will, too.

I’m no longer in the position where I have to try to jam square pegs in round holes. My outlook on life has completely changed…

Oh! Just listen to this for a moment! You know what’s incredibly interesting? I took a personality test recently and when I got the results at the end, I had the option to email them to myself. When I input my email address, I received a notification that I already had an account. Hmm, I suppose at some point in my past, I took the same test! Well! As a sucker for data, I quickly figured out how to log into my old account and found my previous results.

And then my mind was blown. My personality has actually completely changed. The first time I took the test, at some point during my married past, I was classified as an introvert. This time, though? I classified as an extrovert. I had already felt that change within but to see it in black and white was seriously deep. I live out loud now. My whole approach to life has undergone a 180.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? The way we choose to look at things defines everything. I feel my energy. I know I’m glowing. And it’s been a mere 9 months and 9 days since everything in my world ceased to exist as I knew it. The growth has been exponential.

So, bring it on. Life is an adventure and I’m here to live it fully and authentically, no matter what that means. My decisions may cause some discomfort, and even downright annoyance, to those who care about me, and I appreciate their beautiful and logical minds. For me, though, in order to live the authentic life I so desire, my heart will always prevail.

At any cost.

Which is why my next blog will be written once I’ve arrived in Ouray, after driving through a snowstorm at midnight to get there. In my front wheel drive Mini Cooper. And honestly, I’m super excited about that adventure.

I will not shy away from something I want because the road to it has the potential to be a little precarious…even risky.

I’m here to chase my heart’s desires and live on the edge. Daring. Real. Full of life and adventure. I may not have a clue how anything will end but, to me, there’s no other way to truly live with authenticity. And I’m here to live a very authentic life.

life, love

The Gift of All Gifts

December 25, 2019December 25, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

I’m not entirely certain how I feel. How I’m supposed to feel. I suppose the best way to describe it would be rather like the sky appears, shortly after the storm passes. It’s still a bit gray, perhaps with patches of darkness, but you can clearly see the silver lining amongst the clouds. And then, there are those seemingly enchanted areas, where the sun’s rays sneak through a break in the clouds, streaming unbroken all the way to the earth below.

That comes close to putting into words how I feel inside.

The other feeling I get, though, is emptiness. Hollow. There’s a distinct feeling that something is missing.

December is ordinarily my favorite month of the year. This December has been both surprisingly wonderful and disappointingly inadequate.

That, too, seems to describe life, in general, these days.

It’s 1:46 am, Christmas morning. Thankfully, my daughter is older, and will likely sleep in until around 7, and I may even get to take a Christmas day nap later on when she goes to her dad’s house. Sleep teases me tonight. I currently have no desire for it.

There are just far too many conflicting thoughts swirling around for me to find the peace necessary for sleep. For relaxation. Much like the post-storm sky, there are patches of dark and stretches of light, tangled within.

Tonight, while I was wrapping presents, my brother and his girlfriend kept me company and helped me wrap. My brother made a comment about last Christmas, and how my ex and I behaved towards one another. It was not a sweet memory. We were not happy, and it was apparent. At this point, he’d been cheating on me, unbeknownst to me, for at least the previous 7 months, most likely longer. I felt a strain in our marriage, as I had for years. So, I wanted to make Christmas extra special. My gifts to him were thoughtful and had taken months of coordination and behind-the-scenes work.

I was so excited for him to open his gifts. I remember being giddy with the anticipation.

And then I opened my gifts. He’d gotten me a variety of things from my alma mater. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love sporting gear from my alma mater. However, it was obvious that there was little thought that went into my gifts. No care. No love. Just a quick visit to a website and a few clicks later, everything was ordered. It’s funny, how the same type of gift can be received in wildly different ways. You see, I received a gift of a pair of socks representing my alma mater from a wonderful, dear new friend just last week. That gift was thoughtful and makes me smile right now as I recall the care that went into not only choosing the gift, but also in how it was presented to me. Same type of gift, significantly different message.

And here’s why.

My ex and I were together about 11 years. At that point, I’d think he’d understand me at a depth that went beyond gear from my alma mater. That’s simple. Obvious. So obvious that someone who’s known me for less than a month could gift it to me, knowing it’d make me smile.

So that’s it. That was an easy gift for my ex to give. Simple. A no-brainer. You only have to know me at a superficial level in order to know that’d please me. There was no depth to those gifts.

But why should there have been? There was no depth to our relationship. There was no care or concern for it, either. My brother’s remark about his memory from last year made that clear.

Which is why it’s better that it ended. I have an opportunity to have a real relationship. One filled with genuine love. One with depth and authenticity. Commitment. Not only commitment to one another, but to lifting one another up and encouraging growth. Someone who will push me to be the best version of myself, rather than the worst. Someone who understands my drive to be better tomorrow than who I was today. And repeat that. Everyday.

I guess what I’m processing here is that tomorrow (today?) represents so much more than just the gifts. It’s about the thought that goes into them. It’s about knowing someone so well that you know how to touch their hearts through something tangible. Now, I totally blew it with my dad this year. I knew what I was going to get him. My daughter and I had talked about it weeks ago. We ran out of time that day to go get it, so I placed it on my mental checklist. Guess who realized, while wrapping tonight, that just because you think you did something doesn’t actually mean you did it. *facepalm* My dad deserves the world be given to him and I couldn’t even remember to get him this one, tiny little thing. Ugh….

Everyone’s gift (even my dad’s invisible one), was decided upon after much thought. My ex couldn’t give me that gift last year – thoughtfulness. I remember the feeling, too, as I opened the gifts from him. While I was grateful for the gear, I remember feeling hurt that such little time and effort went into the gifts he’d chosen for me. He didn’t know me beyond the superficial. And the evidence was displayed all over the place, and reinforced with each present I unwrapped.

So, overall, this place that I’m in…I know it’s good. I know we weren’t happy. And I truly am grateful for the infidelity. And for the months of deceit. And for each and every single layer of betrayal he gifted me. Everything he was became the catalyst for who I am today.

Today, I not only understand myself better than ever before, I have a different perspective on others. I try to be more compassionate and understanding. I try to be more intentional and present (this one is still so hard for me). I try to be everything I wasn’t in my marriage. Because I am fully aware of what happens when everyone becomes complacent, bitter, and sad. When the only things you choose to see are the challenges and negatives. When your focus lands upon all the ways someone lives under expectation.

While I will never take responsibility for his infidelity, or for him choosing to spend $70 each month on a website dedicated to help married people cheat…or for his role in the demise of our relationship, I do understand my part in all of it.

I will take responsibility for my role in the demise of our relationship. I sucked as a wife. Period. No excuses as to why I sucked. There’s no justification in being a crappy human. And because I now have the privilege of hindsight and self-reflection, I’ll never be her again.

When you know better, you do better.

And every single day that passes, I know better than I did the previous day. There’s no going backwards. There’s no desire to have any sort of relationship with my ex anymore. He is someone who I am forever tied to because of my daughter and at the same time, is just someone I used to know. He doesn’t know who I am anymore. Honestly, though? He stopped knowing me a long time ago. Really, even long before he decided to put more effort into knowing other people’s wives over dinners and bottles of wine than he did into me. Our connection failed years and years ago. And we did nothing, really, to mend it back together.

Perhaps that is what this hollow feeling is? A desire for that connection. To have “my person.” To know, without any type of hesitation, that there will be someone by my side, no matter where life may take us. To have someone choose me in a way I’ve never been chosen before.

You know what’s interesting? I know now that I’m enough. I love myself deeply. I understand exactly who I am and what value I bring to relationships.

I just want someone else to see my value and understand that their life would never be the same without me in it.

Now that would be the gift of all gifts, I think. Because you know what that is? Unconditional love. And that was what I was robbed of the second my ex decided to cheat. His love was conditional, and therefore, empty.

Which has left a piece of me empty.

Now that all my shattered bits have been meticulously pieced back together, the gap that has been left behind is more apparent than ever. I surely do not need anyone outside of my community of friends and family. They fill virtually every bit of my being with love. There’s just one void.

And I’m ready for it to be filled.

So, now I understand how I feel. Christmastime represents love. Joy. Family time. I’m lucky enough to have family and friends. To have my daughter. To have a house that will be filled with love and laughter again tomorrow. And I am ever so grateful for all the things I have. My heart is full. Mostly. But I feel the loss that accompanies the love this year. It almost feels like a spotlight is shining straight into the hole. The awareness of that missing piece highlights the gloom in the sky, overshadowing the silver lining.

So now that it is after 3 in the morning (3:55, to be exact), with awareness and intentionality, I will move the spotlight away from that void. And shine my light on the love that does exist, in abundance, all around me.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May you focus on the beauty and richness that fills your life everyday, but especially today. Love is a gift. Time with those that love us is invaluable. Enjoy this new, precious day, and fill it with radiant, thoughtful, and unconditional love. Even to those, no, especially to those, that have hurt you. Because they probably need it the most today.

life, love

What is to Come?

December 15, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

I fell in love.

Yep. There it is.

I’ve been open and honest about the vast array of complicated emotions that have filled my life over the last 9 months and for some reason, sharing the negativity in my life wasn’t ever that difficult for me to do. We all have our own challenging journeys we have to navigate around and throughout these months, I have always known someone who was trying to trudge through much deeper and smellier shit than I was. So, somehow, it was just natural for me to write about mine. It’s always been cathartic.

This blog, though, is different. And the same. I will still be vulnerable and raw – I’ll just be telling a different type of story.

You see, this one is about love.

When everything exploded in my world, I stopped believing in romantic love. How could someone with two failed marriages possibly believe that true love exists? The answer is simple – she couldn’t.

I told my girlfriends that I’d never love again. Fairy tales aren’t real. Love like that surely doesn’t exist. I’ll never be swept off my feet by some Prince Charming. My heart was hardened. I didn’t want to feel love again. Because then, I’d inevitably have to feel that excruciating pain again. And I sure as shit never wanted to shatter again. There’s only so many times you can break before it’s a lost cause.

Or so I thought.

But in the end, I was wrong.

Because I did fall in love. And yet, I didn’t experience excruciating pain when it ended. And I surely didn’t shatter.

And yes, those of you who follow me and read these blogs, you know I fell in love with myself while in Greece.

But I’m talking about before that.

I’ve written from my heart – and with my heart – since I started this writing journey. I’ve been raw, honest, and vulnerable.

But, for some reason, writing about love is so much harder for me. Perhaps it’s because it’s the purest of emotions? Perhaps it’s because it hasn’t even been a year since finding out about my ex’s infidelity? Perhaps it’s because I hear so many people tell me that I can’t, shouldn’t, they wouldn’t…the list goes on. *sigh*

Yet, here I am, my heart racing with nerves as I write this, because love is probably the most intense topic I’ve written about to date. For me, it really is the hardest.

So, thank you. Thank you for reading, for supporting, for commenting, and encouraging, because I’m finally ready to write about love.

I gave my heart to a truly a wonderful man. A man who also happened to be completely emotionally unavailable for me. It was always going to be a dead-end relationship. Dead-end for many reasons.

But…you know what I realized this morning when I woke up?

I fell in love with this guy before I fell in love with myself.

That doesn’t work. It just doesn’t.

You can’t expect someone else to fill your bucket when it’s riddled with holes. I had that epiphany while in Greece and immediately went to work, patching up my holes.

And when I came back from Greece, my path had cleared. He’d fallen for someone else while I was away. It was always going to end and the timing felt right. I’d felt him pulling away for at least the last month we were “together,” so I knew it was coming.

And you know what? I’m happy for him. That’s how I know it was really love that I felt for him. His happiness, his ability to pursue his dreams and settle into the life he’d always imagined, that’s all more important than my momentary sadness at it ending. And since we’re both mature adults, we ended on excellent terms.

Plus…I had this, umm, I don’t even know what to call it other than a magical experience at Byzantino. This is the jewelry store I referenced in my blog: Today is Thursday and where I bought my ring made of old watch parts.

So, quick summary in case you missed that one… While I was in Greece, I went to a super special jewelry store. The women there were beautiful beings, filled with love that they projected onto me. We spent a fair amount of time chatting with one another and I shared my story with them. This was my last day in Greece and I had already undergone an incredible transformation. While we were chatting, one of the women told me things that she saw for my future. My daughter’s, as well. The energy in that little store was so intense while she was speaking and you could literally feel the power behind every word she spoke. It was a moment that has become etched into my very soul.

After purchasing my things, and before I walked out of the store, this same woman approached me with a gift. It was a glass blown heart pendant. As the other woman that worked there was placing it around my neck, she looked me straight in the eyes and began to speak to me about love. She told me that I was going to be blessed with love greater than I had ever experienced before, love that I barely could imagine exists, love that I had ceased to believe was real.

As she spoke these words, I felt my hair go up and had chills all over my body. It was an incredibly intense moment for me where…can you guess what happened? Of course. I cried. It was so intense for me because, with every cell in my being, I believed her. And I knew she wasn’t talking about anyone that was currently in my life.

Somebody else was out there for me. Hoping to feel love like he’d never been loved before. Looking up at the same stars and wishing for the same things as me. A fellow hopeless romantic who would yearn to understand me – all of me. Somebody who would want to hear my stories, feel my history, and use that to understand why I am who I am today. And, more importantly, (now here’s the kicker…) somebody who will choose to make time in his life for me.

My ex didn’t. He couldn’t put his phone down and couldn’t even pretend to care about anything I had to say. And the guy I was seeing, well, in his defense, his career is intense. He rarely has his phone on him during the day. Even so, there were ways he could’ve shown me that I was valued, had he chosen to try, rather than be satisfied having me as a mere convenience in his life. But he chose not to try.

And because of who I was then, because of the lack of love I had for myself, I allowed that type of treatment. I’ve said it before: how could I expect another to value me more than I valued myself?

But in Greece, I shifted. My path shifted. My whole universe shifted, guys! I felt it. Literally. Physically. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling, but people have told me, since coming home, that I look different. And I feel it. My whole aura is bright and light. So, yeah, there’s somebody out there who will match so perfectly with that, that when our paths align, I wouldn’t have to guess my importance in his life. Or hope for it. It’d just be. Effortless. But in the best of ways.

In that moment, in Athens, as I walked out of that jewelry store, my whole world was this new, magical place to live. As I left the little store that was the final piece to my soul’s puzzle, smiling and practically floating along, I fully opened my soul to the universe. My energy was changed. My heart was fully opened. I had learned in the previous month or two that I was capable of loving another. That was a pleasant surprise. I also had learned what made me feel uncomfortable in a relationship. What bags I could help carry and what ones I’d let the other unpack before deciding to join him on his journey. For weeks, I had been thinking I should let the guy go that I was seeing…and then he let me go.

“Trust the journey.” That’s what I kept telling myself in those early days. Over and over. I came home from Greece 3 weeks ago yesterday and, boy, did I struggle with getting my mindset right. It was a fight to be present – I didn’t want to be here. I wanted, desperately, to be back in Greece. So, one night, when I was feeling particularly melancholy, I wrote my photographer friend on Instagram – the one I’d just spent 6 days with in Greece. We’d talked a lot, both before my trip and also so much during my trip. He knew me well by this point and was quite familiar with my story. Here’s a bit of our conversation:

Me: B, I just want to experience all of Earth’s beauty. Greece opened my eyes to so much… And when I say “Greece” opened my eyes, a great deal of that was you. You are such a caring person. Genuine. I want someone in my life who cares like you do. And, man, did we laugh so easily! I want that, too. You set a bar, for a future relationship of how I want to be treated. You opened my eyes to so much more than photography. I’m really grateful for you, for the whole trip, for all the laughter…for everything.

B: No! This is normal. If you respect yourself, you respect others in the same way and I’m pretty sure that you’ll find someone who will care about you… I mean, for real this time. Believe it or not, everyone takes what he/she deserves to have in this life. It’s up to you to live the life that you want. Nothing beats a strong mindset. Everything else is just the result of this.

He repeated exactly what I’d been telling myself. Someone is only going to value, love, respect, (you fill in the blank) me as much as I do myself. I’ll get exactly what I think I deserve and nothing more. I know this now. And I know me now. And I love me! And I just know that somebody is going to see this light that I’m projecting like it’s a damn lighthouse and want to see what it’s all about.

The lady in the jewelry store was absolutely right. I will be loved again. And it’s going to feel out of this world incredible. And I know I deserve that. Because not only am I in a space that is open to being emotionally vulnerable, I also respect and value myself in such a beautiful way now. I’m comfortable being alone. Actually, I rather enjoy it. And I can find comfort in being uncomfortable. And the best feeling? I no longer rely on any outsider to define my worth. I define it.

So, when my path aligns with another, it will be as a sweet addition to my life, not a necessary one. I’ve never been in a position where I’ve felt that to be true. Goodness, it feels amazing.

It’s all quite delightful…this journey I am on. My path has never been clearer. I’ve never felt lighter or more sure of who I am. There’s 15 more days until my birthday and 16 until the last day of this decade. I’m ready to close it down and happily bid it farewell. A lot of incredible things happened in this decade. I’m quite honestly grateful for it all. Even March 17th, 2019. Maybe even especially March 17th, 2019.

And I’m so hopeful for what is to come.

life, love

Eyes Wide Open

December 9, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

Since I’ve come home from Greece, I have felt unsettled. Apathetic. No desire to be here. Last night, a shift occurred. I’m starting to get my mindset right again. It started in the afternoon, when I had an appointment to get my lashes refilled by my dear friend (self-care people, it’s a thing!). She’s fallen off the exercise wagon and wants to get back on it. I’ve been eating (and drinking) my feelings for a solid 2 weeks and am up more pounds than I’d like to admit. We made a plan to be one another’s accountability partners. So, now I have to care. I am her support system.

That’s one.

My business brings me so much true joy. I worked 7 days in a row this week – and enjoyed every second. I adore the families I work for and am grateful I get to spend my days laughing with my kids. “My kids.” Because my students all become “my kids.” I genuinely love them. And my families. They become my family. And I become theirs. I’m their advocates both in school and at home. I want to protect them and push them and see them flourish. And my heart swells with pride when they succeed. I’ve never had more satisfaction earning an income than I do now. It’s wonderful. I want to care. I am their support system.

That’s two.

Over the weekend, my daughter and I went to the movies. We saw Frozen 2. The amount of tears I shed during that movie should’ve left me dehydrated. Guys, those songs!! They were written for me. It’s like the writers lived inside my head. I swear it. Just read some of these lyrics:

“…deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? Every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow. Don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go… Into the unknown?”

“I don’t know anymore what is true, I can’t find my direction… Just do the next right thing. Take a step, step again. It is all that I can do to do…the next right thing.”

“So I’ll walk through this night. Stumbling blindly toward the light. And do the next right thing.”

“I won’t look too far ahead. It’s too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath. This next step. This next choice is the one that I can make.”

Aren’t those lyrics just everything?

So, yeah. I cried. The. Whole. Movie. And my girl? Goodness, nobody understands how to love me better than her.

She just gets me! She’d look over at me every now and then, and notice the tears silently streaming down my face. Every single time, she just kissed my cheek, held me tighter, and rubbed my arm. She said nothing. Just gave a quick kiss, then went back to the movie, while holding me tight and always rubbing my arm. Once, she offered me a new napkin because mine was destroyed. She noticed. Another time, she offered me popcorn. Because…well, food. But she never made it a big deal. Just kissed my cheek and turned back to the movie.

Afterwards, she didn’t ask any questions. She just loved me. In her own way. Which happens to be my way, too. She is literally the best, most insightful human. And she’s 9. (I remember asking my ex once, “How does our daughter understand how to love me and you don’t?” I think she was 7 at the time… Oh, hindsight, you devil, you.) I care about her more than anything else in the world. I am her support system – and she is mine.

That’s three.

And guys, there are so many more reasons to get my mindset right. To spend my moments intentionally. To enjoy this life that I am living right now and in this space.

Maintaining a consistently focused and intentional mindset is challenging. Even exhausting, at times. It takes commitment, and then re-commitment. I haven’t been in a healthy place since I came back from Greece. My time there was incredibly powerful. It fundamentally changed me in so many ways. I became re-energized and filled with a radiance I hadn’t felt…well, perhaps ever.

And then I came home.

Where life just all of a sudden felt so unimpressive. After the soul-searching journey and re-awakening that had just taken place, I came home to feeling like everything was just a little “less.” I wanted, no – desired – with every cell of my being, to feel what I had in Greece. It was everything. It was magical. It was surreal. And yet, it was ever so incredibly real.

So, yeah, my mindset sucked. I still felt vibrant and more whole and filled with love (self-love, that is) than ever, but I was feeling so unfulfilled. I didn’t feel like this was enough anymore. I had this strangely overwhelming need to leave. After experiencing the significant transformation in Greece, I became wholly dissatisfied with this life.

It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t magical. Or surreal.

But only because I’d decided it wasn’t any of those things.

This world we live in is painted by our thoughts. So, if my thoughts are constantly telling me that this isn’t enough. That I want more. That more is out there…then what kind of world am I living in now???

Well, for a while, one where I was eating all my feelings and drinking every night. Disappointed with the world before me.

Until last night.

When I remembered that’s not who I am. Not anymore, at least. Emotions guide me, sure. But they don’t control me. And yet, I let them.

And then I made the decision to grow up. This is my life. I am here. And it is truly a wonderful life. So, I made the conscious decision to embrace everything that is in front of me, rather than pine away over what I couldn’t have.

So now, here, I honor my emotions. And I release them. And I remind myself that the journey is beautiful.

I’m a dreamer. I want to look ahead and turn my dreams into plans. And at the same time, I’ve never been more certain that those plans just don’t matter. Everything can change in the span of a breath.

And it does. It will. Time and time again. That’s part of the journey. But just like sweet Olaf said in the movie, there is one constant. One thing never changes. And that is love.

Loving another, being filled with real emotions, being vulnerable with another…that is living authentically. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Does it hurt when it ends? Yep. Of course. But feeling the depths of those beautiful emotions is never a waste of time. I’d do it all over again. I will do it all over again.

There’s something so graceful in living – and loving – uninhibited and feeling every single emotion that washes over you. There is beauty in pain. Because you get the opportunity to grow. And really, isn’t that just wonderful? I want to keep growing and changing and absorbing everything I can to make myself a better human every single day. And you can’t grow without being challenged.

So, bring it on, world. Challenge me. Hurt me, even. Because then, and only then, I grow stronger. My fire flames brighter. I become more colorful. And so does the world around me.

After my workout this morning, one of my friends from the gym asked me how I handled the grief after finding out what my ex had done. Did I eat and gain a ton of weight? With him, I didn’t. Because I just didn’t eat. I couldn’t. I was physically ill for a long time and couldn’t even look at food. With another “breakup” of sorts, though, all I’ve done is eat.

How we handle our grief varies not only from person to person, but from our own personal experiences, too. How we handle one transition may be completely different than how we handle another. No grief ever feels the same. How our hearts handle each ending is unique.

But no matter how we choose to handle it, it’s the right way. I told my friend to allow herself some grace. It’s so soon that every way she’s choosing to react is appropriate. The fact, though, that she’s beginning to question how she’s reacting means that she’s perhaps ready to change how she’s handling her grief.

It’s all fluid. How I was handling my sadness since arriving back stateside has shifted. Because I was ready for it to shift. I had my good, cathartic cry at Frozen 2, several great conversations with some girlfriends, focused in on the good of my world, and then found the ability to shift my mindset. I needed to re-frame my reality. And so I did. It took me 2 weeks to get there, but when I was ready, I shifted. I felt it internally. And I couldn’t have forced it. I had to ride that wave out until I finally landed in calmer waters.

They’re there, you know. The calm. Sometimes you have to weather an incredible storm, or a short torrential downpour, but when you’re ready to look up and through the gray, the break in the storm is just ahead of you.

You just have to be ready – and willing – to see it.

It’s beautiful. The world each of us lives in. It’s fulfilling. And exciting. And full of adventures. And love.

It’s all there. Right in front of each one of us… That is, once we decide to open our eyes to it and shift our perspectives to see the abundance.

So here I am. Again. Re-set. And enjoying the view. With eyes wide open.

And I hope you are, too.

life

263 Days

December 5, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

Perhaps it’s because it’s the end of the year. Or because it’s my birthday month and I’ll be entering the last year of my 30’s in 25 days. Or because I’ve experienced some “endings” recently. But I’ve been feeling a strong sense of “the end.” I’ve thought a lot about my own mortality. Like, a lot. I’m more aware than ever that things just end. And they can change “in the blink of an eye,” as the saying goes.

I feel anxious and unsettled. I no longer feel as though I belong here. Not here in this world, but here as in physically here, right now, in this house, in this town…in this country, even. Don’t get me wrong. I’m quite happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Now I just realize that there’s so much more! And I question, what am I even doing now? Why am I satisfied with this?

Well, as it turns out, I’m not.

It’s an interesting space to be in…to both want to make goals for my future and simultaneously understand that everything could change in the space of time it takes to receive and open an email. How do I make plans for when my daughter graduates in 7.5 years while also remembering that any plan I had on March 17, 2019 at 6:07 pm was annihilated by 6:08 pm?

I’m a dreamer. I always have been. And I have big dreams. No. Plans. I have these great plans in my head that I will make come to fruition. I suppose flexibility is key. Understanding that the only constant is change, so I’ll have to roll with the punches as life continues to move forward, bringing all the joys and catastrophes that it has a way of springing upon us.

What I’m realizing now, more than ever, is that I have to be careful. And intentional. The only way, I think, for me to get around this feeling of being unsettled, of feeling so lost, really, is to actively work towards achieving my goals. My goals, which I’ve rather ignored lately because, you know, life…they ground me. Goals firmly root me to the present while, at the very same time, give me hope for the future.

Which is so important. Because without hope, without some enticing and beautiful vision for the future, life becomes ever so much more challenging. At least, I feel that way. While I know that all the plans and goals I have today may change, I would be lost without them. They’re like a light that shines on my path, giving me a direction to follow. And because I know my path isn’t a straight line, I need that light to guide me.

With focus and intention, I keep taking one step after another, following my path wherever it may lead.

I have to trust the journey.

My eyes are wide open now. I’m seeing with more clarity than ever before. And I want to give this gift to my daughter, as well. The world is vast and magnificent. The adventures – limitless. We are so much more than what we think we know!

I used to say that Colorado was my forever home. I wanted to settle here and never leave. Now, I can’t imagine only knowing this state’s beauty for the rest of my years. My heart is calling me elsewhere. Currently, I left a piece of it in Greece. With future travels, I may leave pieces of my heart in other far-away lands, left as breadcrumbs to lead me back someday.

I can only hope that’s true.

When I got back from Greece, with my eyes shining from all the self-truths uncovered, my soul bursting with radiant joy, I was chatting with a couple girlfriends. One of them turned and said to me, “You are so much bigger than Colorado Springs.”

It touched my heart deeply when she said that. And that sentence has been tossed around inside my head since the second she said it.

We all are so much bigger than what we have in front of us…than what we think we are capable of…than what we assume we know.

We just have to act on it. Take giant leaps of faith. Charge through this life, with confidence, authenticity, and vulnerability, open to whatever stumbles upon our path and ready to unquestionably go forth in a certain direction, when we may find that fork in our road.

My journey over the last 263 days has been incredible. The growth? Immeasurable. The epiphanies? Monumental and truly life-changing.

But I think it’s because, at some point, I stopped fighting against it. I began to trust my journey and became open to everything, seeing obstacles as opportunities and embracing the challenges, rather than fighting against them and complaining about them. At some point, through conversations with others and intense self-reflection, I stopped being the victim of my circumstances and began to take charge of this new life and everything it has to offer.

Because, goodness, is it ever abundant.

I am filled with more sincere joy and love than ever in my life. I am more open to possibility and adventure. I am more vulnerable and authentic. My light shines brighter now than it ever has before. My world is more colorful and vibrant. I feel filled, deep down to my core, with overwhelming gratitude, peace, and clarity.

Seven and a half years will surely go by in a blink. My future awaits me. But, in order to reach it, there is much to do in quite little time. My goals are significant and will take considerable time and effort. And failure. Which only means opportunities for more growth.

It’s all part of the journey that I am now so eager to embrace.

When I first started writing this morning, I was in a bit of a melancholy mood. Viewing the “endings” that have recently come to light with a certain level of sadness. But it’s all about how we frame it, isn’t it?

My history, as broken as it is, fills me with gratitude. For it is because of my journey thus far that has made me more whole than I have ever been.

So, for today at least, I am taking full advantage of this winding path that I’ve been on and where it has lead me, honoring the grand voyage that is this life, and choosing the lenses with which to see it all.

And in case you’re wondering, those lenses are rosy colored. For me, they almost always have been and with positive intention, I’m sure they always will be.

This journey is bright and beautiful and twisty and filled with bumps and hardships and difficulties. There are endings and failures and opportunities and hope. Ultimately, it’s filled with purpose and intention and we take from it exactly what we want to, growing only as long as we’re willing to surrender to true vulnerability and face our fears head on.

There’s far more beauty in the last 263 days than I ever could’ve imagined. From once feeling completely shattered to now brimming with a sense of direction and wholeness I never could’ve imagined for myself.

I now know, without question, that there is more for me beyond what I thought I always knew. With every ending is a new beginning.

So, bring on the new year. And this last year of my 30’s. Because now, I can’t wait to see how it all begins.

life, love

Today is Thursday

November 28, 2019November 28, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

Today I will eat a Greek salad. And perhaps a couple eggs… My biggest decision will be whether I scramble them or cook them over easy. And I’ll definitely drink some wine and Sprite. I made sure to buy two bottles of white wine to make sure I’d have enough to drink during lunch and dinner. And again at 3:34 because, I mean, why not? *shrug*

And I’ll spend the day, hopefully mostly content, solo, and editing my favorite pictures from Greece.

It should be a good Thursday.

I’ve been filled with gratitude since the moment I left for Greece and this full heart feeling hasn’t lessened even a little bit in the last 14 days. I don’t expect to need a day to show my gratitude. Not this year. Recently, I’ve been hyper-aware of all that I have in my life. Because everything I had changed just over 8 months ago. So, I’ve been given the beautiful gift of perspective. And with this perspective, intense gratitude for what I do have.

So, today is Thursday. A day to spend in more quiet reflection. Showing gratitude for my world as it is today. Aaaaaaaannnddd (I just can’t stop, Billy…) eating a delicious Greek salad, as a way to pay homage to what I am most grateful for today. My solo trip, the time spent in Greece, was life altering. If you knew me 10 months ago, and you still know me today, you’ll understand the intensity of my gratitude for what occurred last week.

It’s mind blowing, really. How that short period of time changed everything for me.

Time…it’s a funny thing.

Only time will tell.
Time heals all wounds.
In the nick of time.
Lost track of time.
Lasted an eternity.
Just a matter of time.
A waste of time.
Time flies.
The time of my life.
“Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” – Theophrastus

You get the point.

We have all these phrases and quotes about time, how we abuse it, how it heals, how all will be understood…in time.

Eight and a half months ago feels like an eternity. For me, it was quite literally a lifetime ago. I was married, though unhappily, and going to family dinner parties, doing couple-y things, and feeling lonelier than ever despite having a “partner” by my side.

Today, I am comfortable alone, confident in who I am. I have huge goals and even bigger plans. I am finally living this life for me.

Don’t get that last line wrong. It’s not selfish, though it sounds that way. The way I am choosing to spend my time today is giving my daughter a wonderful example of being adventurous while also living a disciplined life. She sees me making exercising a priority, she knows I write (and now we even sometimes write together, her, in awe of my fast clicking, as I type sentence after sentence, turning paragraphs into pages), and she is proud of me for facing my fears and traveling alone. She used to have so much fear and now she asks me if she may study abroad in middle school.

Everything I have ever done since I found out I was pregnant was with her in mind. For a while after I found out about my ex’s infidelity and the extent of the betrayal, I was simply in survival mode, and really thought about nothing other than how in the world I was going to take my next breath.

Now, though, enough time has passed. My heart has healed. As it turns out, my time in Greece was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to finally be at peace.

Before March of this year, the longest I was single since I was 17 (21 years ago!), was for about 4 months. I had been in a committed relationship for my entire adult life. Not only that, I’d been committed to two men who stifled my vivacity, my sparkle…even my sense of humor.

Guys, I never thought I was funny. I wasn’t the funny one.

In the last 4 or 5 months, do you know how many times I’ve made people laugh? Do you know how many times people have told me that I’m funny?! I don’t think there’s a better compliment for me. Well, right now, at least. My ex is the funny one. No, was the funny one. He’s loud and the center of any party. By his side, I was dull. I had no personality – unless I drank. I had to have alcoholic beverages simply to be comfortable in group settings when I was with him. Now, alone and away from him, and for so many reasons, I sparkle.

Ahh, guys! I am funny! (Sometimes it just hits me… This is really me. *laughing*)

This was a part of my personality that I didn’t even know existed. Seriously. And it’s now a pretty significant part of who I am, I think. I make people laugh. Do you know how good that feels? Only this time that I’ve had to myself was able to bring that out of me. There is so much to who I am today that didn’t exist 9 months ago.

Without this journey, my true self would’ve never been actualized. I would still be living day to day thinking I had no sense of humor or needing to have a drink in order to feel comfortable in my own skin. Ugh, how terribly sad is that?!

I’ve been single for 256 days now.

And I’ve finally reached a point where it feels so good to be “unattached.” My ex and I were texting yesterday, and he asked if I could take our daughter on his weekend so he could go on a couple dates. Well, I haven’t seen her in about a million years, so of course! And, I told him I’d take her any weekend of his that he wanted because I’m not dating and have no desire to anytime soon.

His response? “Well, you can’t live like that.”

Umm, yes I can! *laughing*

Is it our culture that creates this false narrative? We have to be in a relationship in order to be happy? Today, in this moment, I am happier than I have been in years. Perhaps even, in the entirety of my adulthood. And I’m single. Who would’ve thought I would ever be happy without having to rely on somebody else to validate me?? My whole world just feels like it blew wide open again. But this time, in such a good way.

I have goals to achieve. Huge goals. And a pretty strict timeline to hit them in. I don’t have the time to be with somebody, really. Especially one that doesn’t add value to my life and help me grow, pushing me to actualize all my potential. New relationships are hard. And they take time and effort to develop properly.

Time…it’s precious.

And I just found out who I am! I want to sit in this space and relish that for a moment. Happily alone.

But…I’m not really alone. I’m surrounded by the most wonderful community. I may be single, but I have never felt less alone. During my marriage…oof. That loneliness was the worst. I’d rather be single and have moments of loneliness than be in a “partnership” and feel lonely with someone who is right there by my side.

Which brings me to today. Thursday. Okay, it’s not just a normal Thursday. It’s Thanksgiving day. And I’m alone. But I’m not lonely.

I had many invitations to be with my friends. My community. Yet, I’m choosing to be in the quiet space of my house, appreciating the fact that I am alone.

I used to feel so uncomfortable being by myself. It was lonely. I needed the attention from others to make me feel like I was worthy of taking up space in this world.

My word, I was someone else entirely and it literally makes me sit here and shake my head to reflect on who I was compared to who I am.

Today, I am strong, capable, and enough. I am quite content in my own solitude. I don’t need to be around anyone else to feel happy.

Time gave me this gift.

Well, time, coupled with intensive counseling sessions with the most incredible therapist, a community of strong women and men who’ve always been there to lift me up, and traveling alone was the icing on the cake. I came back refreshed and re-energized.

I came back me.

Time itself is truly a gift. While in Greece, I stopped in this jewelry shop. I had read in a travel blog that this was the place to go and buy your jewelry. So, I navigated to it and when I walked in, there were only women working there. Strong, beautiful women. One of the women came up to me and started chatting with me about the different pieces of jewelry. When we came to the display case with rings that used watch mechanisms as the central focus, I knew immediately that was the piece I had to have.

My time in Greece was transformative. And this was my last day, my last 12 hours left in that beautiful country. I knew when I saw it, the symbolism was far too great to walk away from. A piece of jewelry made of time to represent this time of my life that had become so precious to me. The piece I ended up choosing happened to be this wonderful woman’s favorite ring, but, for whatever reason, it didn’t work for her. But it worked for me. *smile* When I told her that was the one I wanted, she was so happy for me and immediately gave me the best hug. That ring was waiting for me. That jewelry store was also. I was meant to meet those women.

And here’s the funny thing. This wasn’t the store from the travel blog. I had to leave the store for some hours and return again for my darling ring. As I was navigating back to the store from my hotel, I ended up at a different jewelry store by the same name. As I walked up to that shop, a man was sitting inside, and everything was different. I simply stopped in front of it, rather confused, and said aloud, “Oh.”

I was so startled there were two distinct shops by the same name.

I found my bearings and walked the 10 or so minutes to my jewelry shop, the one with the strong women I’d connected with, the one with my ring, that symbolized so much for me. I strongly believe in energy and the universe took me to that jewelry shop instead of the one I’d initially intended on going to. I said it before…I was meant to meet those women.

They became a significant part of my journey. Their time was a gift for me. Their powerful presence and enlightening and positive conversation, it all filled my soul. I will carry these women in my heart and can’t wait to take my daughter back to meet them.

Strong women have been my guiding force since last March. I know now that I can live this life without a man by my side. But I could never spend my time without my community of dynamic and amazing women.

So, on this Thanksgiving day, which happens to simply be Thursday for me, I am writing this with a heart that’s been overwhelmed with gratitude since last week. I don’t need a day to remind me to focus on all the things I’m thankful for this year. Some years past, this time was a necessary reminder to slow down and give thanks. But this year? My heart has been full since November 15 and steadily stretching until now, when I think it just may burst.

Without this time, every single minute of these last 256 days, and all the ways I’ve chosen to spend them, I would not be exactly who I am today.

And so, today more than ever, I am grateful for the luxurious gift that is time and for the influential and beautiful community of women in my life. You are my tribe and no amount of time or space could ever separate us. You’ve proven that.

From feeling like nothing to knowing that I’m everything, from wanting to be out of the country on this significant holiday to being quite content with only my pups by side, this Thursday is going to be a great one.

I hope your heart is filled today, also, no matter where you are or what today means to you. After all, it’s only Thursday.

life

27 1/2 Hours

November 24, 2019November 24, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

As I write these words, I’ve been awake for the last 27 and a half hours. I’m tired, but feel more alert right now than I did a few hours ago. At 2:45 am, my alarm woke me up in Greece. It was the last sound I wanted to hear and gave me an emotional start to the day, knowing I was leaving behind the most incredible country filled with equally wonderful people. Though leaving everything I came to love about Greece behind, I at least got to bring back with me my memories from a trip of a lifetime and sooo many pictures. (On that note, check out theatlasroamers.com and book a photography trip with them. As you can read here, they’re so much more than a photography workshop, as Billy says, they are an “open school.” You’ll walk away with so much more than photography skills. I know I did.)

All day, from Athens to Amsterdam to Salt Lake City, then finally to home, I had a lot of time to think. And think. Then process and think some more. And then I came home and had a conversation with a friend, causing me to pause and really analyze the massive changes occurring within.

And then it finally clicked. The person I once was lacked confidence and looked to others to show her that she was valuable. But, lovely irony here, others valued me only exactly to the extent that I showed them I was worth. And I didn’t think I was worth much. So, of course my ex did what he did. And of course others have treated me as a doll on a shelf, to be taken down and given attention only at their convenience. That was all I thought I was worthy of – their actions matched the energy I put out.

How could I expect to be cared for and truly respected when I wasn’t caring for nor truly respecting myself? And, boy, do I love to make excuses for other people and their actions – too busy with ______, too stressed about ______ , too tired because ______ , or lashing out because their hangry. Their behavior was never because they just didn’t care. *facepalm* Look. If someone values you, they’ll show it. They’ll make the time for you because, in their eyes, you’re worth it.

You know, it has really *finally* sunk in that so much of who I was for a long time was rooted in not believing in myself. I tried so hard to convince myself of all the things that I wanted desperately to believe were true. I behaved with this frantic urgency, as it turns out (this post explains this behavior more), because I was trying to prove something to myself. If I did it, then I was good enough. I was enough. So I did all the things. So many of my decisions over the last few months came from the intense insecurity that came from years of being told by my ex that I was awful. And that no matter what I did, I was never enough for him.

My solo trip to Greece was to prove to myself that I could do anything I wanted to on my own. That yes, I absolutely was an empowered and strong woman. But I was doing things outwardly to fix myself inwardly.

As I learned, it doesn’t quite work that way. It takes hard work and effort and more self-reflection than I ever imagined. The physical act of going to Greece was huge, indeed. But it was everything that happened there that reignited the fire within and helped me realize my worth. I think the epiphanies could’ve probably happened anywhere, really. At least, anywhere there could’ve been a quiet, solo escape, where I would’ve had the opportunity to feel truly vulnerable and live in that space for a while. We should all experience that feeling. I’ve found that, at least for me, silence and vulnerability are huge for personal growth.

Conversations with my dear photographer friends helped, as well, as did the beauty and kindness of the perfect strangers I encountered on my travels. People are genuinely good. Well…let me re-word that. People genuinely have good intentions. Their follow-through, as I am learning, depends greatly on my very own energy. How I am being treated is exactly because that is what I am allowing to take place. People will live up to whatever bar you set for them, so if you set it low, don’t be surprised when their behavior matches that. Or, sometimes, they will leave your life. It’s that simple. And when they go, sad as it may be, I accept it as a pretty obvious message that my path is being cleared of the clutter that would’ve continued to hold me back and keep me from growing properly.

And if I frame it just right, then I get excited. Because within every transition lies an opportunity.

But it all takes time. Transitions are hard. Change can be massively difficult.

And also so incredibly worth it.

I wrote here, which was a few blogs ago, how I fell in love with myself while in Greece. I went a step further and made a commitment to myself. While walking along the streets of Athens, heading towards the Parliament building to watch the changing of the guards, I passed this cute little jewelry store. Something inside told me to slow down and to look at the display. When I did, several rings jumped out at me and I tried a few on. I felt like Goldilocks, eating the bears’ porridge. There was one I really liked and was pretty sure I’d be buying it. But then, when looking back at the display one last time, it was like all the angel voices sounded in my head. There was this ring. It was beautiful. I asked about it and she said it’s strictly a left-handed ring. I asked the sweet woman running the store what she meant by that. She said here, try it on. You’ll see.

And forget it. It was as though Cinderella had found her slipper! The other rings were too this or too that. This one, though? Absolute perfection. And how fitting that its place on a hand is the left ring finger. As I slipped it on, I made a commitment to myself that I would love myself truly and deeply from that point forward. In theory, that’s the exact practice I should put into place. In reality, it’s so, so very hard for me. For so long, I accommodated others, excusing their lousy behaviors, refusing to truly see them. Old habits die hard.

But, as in any commitment, it takes constant work, reflection, and daily, sometimes even hourly, re-commitment. As things come along my path, I’m committed to only move forth with the radiant and loving energy I now feel within.

And when somebody shows me who they are, I’m believing them, dammit. The first time. Even when I desperately don’t want to. Because that is true self-love.

life

Like A Bull in a China Shop

November 21, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

** I wrote this blog 2 days ago, on a note taking app on my phone, because I was staying in a remote village in northern Greece and had no WiFi to publish it. So, I updated it by striking through the original time references. **

Life is a journey. Duh.

Okay, fine. Sure. But, let’s explore that a minute. First, let’s define “journey.” Merriam Webster’s online dictionary says, “something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another.”

I’ve been saying, in my writing, that this has been a journey for me. I’ve been moving through time, my mindset passing from one stage to the next. So, sure, a journey. I’ve oftentimes referred to it as a roller coaster ride. Or to that of riding the wave. Today’s analogy is a bit different.

Eight months ago, I was drowning. I was doing everything and anything to keep the flood of emotions from bringing me down. It didn’t matter, though. For a while, they still did. And then, every now and then, I’d come up for a breath before being completely washed over by them again.

This phase lasted a really long time. Well, it felt like it, at least.

Then, after so much exhausting and draining hard work, I was finally ashore. I’d made it through the initial chaos. I thought I was in a great place then! I felt happier. I felt like everything was leveling out, in a way.

But, thanks to constant self-reflection, I realized that wasn’t quite right, either. I wasn’t quite on the other side of this whole catastrophe yet.

~~Today~~ A couple days ago, I realized I’ve been living quite like a bull in a china shop this whole time. I just did. If I wanted it, I pursued it, bought it, did it, you fill in the verb. I thought I was this strong, empowered woman. Look at me!! I can do anything!

Well, yep. True. I am.

It just doesn’t mean that I should.

Oof. That was major ~~today~~ the other day. I physically felt the change in my being. Honestly. And that realization came from a moment with my photographers where, to be quite frank, my actions were entirely disrespectful. Though, obviously, completely unintentional. That doesn’t matter, though. I was still careless and thoughtless. Definitely not one of my best moments. *sigh* (That one is a self-reflective sigh, Billy, rather than a content one, but still good.)

While on this trip, I’ve learned more than I can even begin to process, I think. So, let’s just chat for a moment about what led up to this great epiphany.

Lesson of the day: Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.

We all live life through our own lenses, further masked by our own unique filters.

The way we communicate – what is said and what is heard, passes through these first. The speaker delivers the message in a certain way based on personal history. The listener receives the information, interpreting, acknowledging, and responding based on their own backgrounds, without even realizing that is what is happening. (It’s truly a wonder how anyone effectively communicates!)

Let me explain, in detail, so you may understand. ~~Today~~ The other day, we visited a gorge. A gorgeous gorge, if you will. *wink* I was told to be careful.

Okay. Got it.

Well, my interpretation of being careful was slightly different than that of my cautious Greek guides. You see, there was this short wall, a deliberate divide between life and death. Of course, I wasn’t going to walk all along it, or even dangle my legs on the other side. That’d just be absurd! But, sitting on it felt perfectly safe. To me. I was steady. So I did it. Their definition, as it turns out, was for me to keep my feet firmly planted on life’s side, not balancing on the edge between life and death…as was mine. I’ve grown quite comfortable living in that space and didn’t think twice about it.

But here’s what got to me. I didn’t see their perspective. Never even thought about it. I knew what I felt comfortable with and went with that.

But I forgot a very important detail. It’s not all about me. While on this workshop, I am their responsibility. They are in charge of my safety. And I complicated that for them. Ugh.

I think that I had lived with such a healthy dose of fear for so long that when catastrophe struck my home…my heart, my pendulum swung to the extreme. If I can do it, I’m going to do it. And I can do anything. So…bull in a china shop.

Yeah, that’s not exactly the best philosophy. *facepalm*

Respecting another means meeting somebody where he or she is at, not where you think they should be. I needed this reminder today. And I appreciate the lesson.

Both Billy and Chris called me out on this, each in their own way. That’s so important. I find that I’m surrounding myself more and more with people who aren’t afraid of challenging me. Of holding me to a higher standard. Of calling me out, kindly and through thoughtful conversation, when my behavior needs checked.

I knew I was coming for a photography workshop…who knew I’d be walking away with such a meaningful lesson from them, too.

I got slightly chastised, in the kindest of ways, for disrespecting nature and boundaries. From my perspective, that was not my intention, of course. I’d never be outright disrespectful to such kindhearted individuals or to sweet Mother Nature. I didn’t see anything wrong with sitting on that wall – because I understood my boundaries and felt safe. However, in situations such as these, I’m learning that you should go with the least common denominator, so to speak. They were less comfortable, they’re in charge of my safety, they have a vastly different perspective based on their knowledge of what has taken place at that gorge (and plenty of tragedies have occurred there). I never took the time to look at it from their eyes. I lacked true compassion and understanding in that moment. And that makes me quite sad.

After today’s little reprimand (I mean, it wasn’t even a reprimand, really. Just that awareness was given.), I see things a bit differently. I feel that my pendulum is coming back towards center. Thankfully.

I learned, ~~today~~ yessssterday (B & C understand this… Okay, it wasn’t yesterday anymore, but I have to leave this one. *hahaha* ), that properly respecting another, even nature, is to consider a perspective other than your own. Sometimes, you have to switch your lens, look past the filter that’s masking your view, and take a moment to pause and really study what’s going on in front of you before acting.

The lessons just keep coming, and I think it’s because my spirit is truly open to it all. The peace within is growing exponentially.

And the more peace I get, the more inconsequential other aspects of my life become. The things that matter to me, right now in this moment, are: my daughter and her journey, rocking my business, really opening my heart and truly living with authentic grace, and my newfound love for solo travel.

There’s no bull there.

It’s time to calm it down. Just breathe through these moments. Sigh those happy, contented sighs that I do when all is right in my world (Because it’s all good.).

I’m not going to be a bull in a china shop any longer. Yes, of course I can do everything and anything I choose. But that’s not the point. The real lesson here is, I shouldn’t, despite the fact that I can.

It’s time to incorporate a little caution into my life. Embrace the pause. Consider the perspectives of those around me. Because they matter. Especially when I respect and love them. I don’t want to be in a position again where I inadvertently disrespect someone because I don’t even think to show compassion. If I slow down, just a smidge, I can really take a moment and think about how my actions will make another feel.

All I want is to add value in others’ lives. And it’s difficult to do that when you’re behaving like a bull in a china shop. One of the characteristics I find the most admirable is the ability to pause and utilize boundaries. When you’re teetering on the edge of life and death, literally and figuratively, it’s hard to consider anything other than your current situation. And that is totally valid. That space is but momentary. One shouldn’t linger there, I think. That’s far too volatile of a way of living. So, now that I am able to find that balance again, or at least head towards it, I can remember to take a nice breath and then enjoy the pause in that moment.

I suppose old habits die hard. Though I am no longer teetering, my feet aren’t quite firmly planted yet. They’re getting there, though. And as Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.”

And after these 6 magical days, I do know better.

This has been so much more than a photography workshop. I’m leaving with more than merely knowledge and skills from all the hands-on photography lessons from two absolutely incredibly talented photographers. I’ve learned how to take a proper landscape photo, and even how to take a killer pano, aaaaannnnnnddddd (*wink*) I’ve learned countless other priceless lessons.

This solo travel trip has also given me the realization that Greek is definitely the sexiest language I’ve ever heard spoken and my photographers have an incredible ability to lull me to sleep with their melodic and soothing conversation (I think I lasted 5 minutes on any given road trip before I was laying down and out cold for a nap). And after the daily Greek language lessons and immersion, I’m even walking away with a few phrases that I’ll be incorporating into my life back home (and will be learning more, for sure).

From meaningful life lessons and deep philosophical conversations, to daily Greek language lessons (I’ll figure out oxi one day!), and finally to even the tiniest of details like mastering the fine art of taking a proper sniff, as Billy says about their workshops, “We are an open school.”

And that is absolutely no exaggeration.

I can credit my Greeks with giving me the necessary info to change. I’m done living the frantic lifestyle of being a bull in a china shop. My spirit is at peace. I don’t need anymore bull in my life.

Now that I’ve decided to remove the bull filter, it’s so much easier to see that every moment in our lives is an opportunity to learn and, therefore, to grow. We just have to be willing to see it, reflect on it, and then put in the hard work.

There are some things that have now been firmly rooted in my being. Like the knowledge that I am strong, capable, and enough. And, more importantly, I now know that there is further strength in the restraint. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.

life, love

She Fell in Love in Greece

November 18, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

People say it all the time, the past creates the future, which is why we study history, right? So we, as a society, do not repeat the same mistakes of our ancestors.

But why don’t we choose to study our own histories? Like, dig in and really do some research, as though we’re trying to get our PhD in life. Because it’s hard? Come on…nothing worth it is ever easy or fast. Maybe it’s because we don’t know better.

I didn’t know better.

I feel like I’m now well on my way to earning that PhD, though. I’m exhausted. And oddly energized at the same time. I only have a Master’s Degree, but can fully recall the exhaustion and exhilaration of presenting my thesis. I can only imagine what it’s like to defend a dissertation…

Why am I exhausted and oddly energized? Well, if you’ve been reading from the beginning, you know that my life today is far different than it was 8 months ago. (And if you’re new here, feel free to go check it out. It’s been a wild ride!) So, where was I? Yes, 8 months ago, and a few hours ago, actually. At 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019, the world I knew ceased to exist. And, as it turns out, that’s a wonderful thing.

That catastrophic moment when I opened the email from one of the Ashley Madison lovelies my ex had been having an affair with forced me to spiral completely out of control and then, finally, to make a choice. Do I continue to allow my life to spiral or should I, at long last, face my reality.

I finally decided to face my reality and it has not been an easy journey. For months, this journey was anything but graceful. Though it has been priceless.

I am no longer the same woman I once was…not even close. So, who was I? Those truths are mine, for now. But I will tell you this – after some incredible amount of determination to improve my mental space, I traveled back in time to childhood and began my healing there.

What I discovered was that my childhood wounds were never taken care of properly. And then new wounds layered on top. And that continued for years. Decades, really.

All that strain and stress to my emotional self caused gaping holes that were never patched. I suppose I never quite realized they were even there to be patched. But those wounds shaped me moving forward. I was married the first time at 21 (was it really 21?!). After about a 4 month separation, I was in another committed relationship, this time with husband number 2.

Let’s take a moment to envision my emotional self as a bucket. I kept, up until, like, last week, expecting others to fill my bucket for me. Some tried. The problem, however, is that bucket was riddled with gaping holes, wounds from my past. So, any love I received, any good intention given, filled my bucket and then seeped right on out. I kept waiting for someone else to fill my bucket! Why couldn’t they make me feel as though I was enough? Why wasn’t I worthy of being treated with respect? Both husband #1 and husband #2 were verbally abusive. Both beat me down with their words. I never had any physical scars, but the emotional ones created more holes in my bucket.

If you have something that you view as garbage, how do you treat it? How do you expect others to treat it? For a very long time, for far too long, I looked at myself as garbage. I wasn’t good enough. I battled an eating disorder on and off for a decade and tried to control what I could because there were far too many disappointing aspects of myself that I couldn’t control. I was not fond of myself. I treated myself like garbage with my thoughts and internal dialogue.

Yet, I expected others to treat me differently?! Ridiculous. If I think something is garbage, it’s quite unlikely that anyone else will see any value in it. Ugh, it feels so obvious now. *facepalm*

So, there I was, with a leaky bucket, all wounded and hoping others would come along with a patch kit for me. And now here I am, a month and a half away from 39, and I finally get it.

I have to put on my own patches, radiant and sturdy ones, to plug all of those holes. But first, I have to take the time to carefully find each and every single hole. So, with so much work on myself, I am finding them, one at a time, and I am lovingly patching over my broken bucket.

I feel, now, that I’ve covered most of my holes. Let me be completely clear about this, though. It has been 8 months of losing my mind to find this space within. I’m pretty much constantly in a state of emotional exhaustion. Self-reflection, intensely studying my history, asking myself the hard questions and then journaling about it, doing all the things that has felt right for me, has been emotionally taxing. And fabulously liberating.

With so much self-love and care, my holes are mostly patched and I’m beginning to fill my own bucket. I am not garbage. I am strong. I am capable. And I am enough. I know that. I’ve proven it to myself and, as they say, the proof is in the pudding.

I traveled abroad, by myself, to meet 2 strangers I met on Instagram. They are incredible photographers, which is how I stumbled across one of their pages, and then decided to send him a message. To my utter surprise, he answered. And we began communicating with frequency. I mean, really, it was practically daily. His passion for photography was contagious and his knowledge vast. Just 12 days after I first reached out to him, I decided to go on a private photography tour with him and his business partner and I think it was that day that I booked my tickets to Greece. I don’t quite remember – it all happened very fast.

That moment that I purchased the tickets, in and of itself, was HUGE! I remember feeling pure, boundless joy. In my head, I placed a lot of weight on this trip. It was to be the symbol of my soul’s restoration to peace. A reawakening. A message to myself (and my daughter) that I can, in fact, do whatever I want to do. I am fully capable of doing all things without a man by my side.

The day I left for this epic journey, I was a mess. I should’ve cancelled my morning, as living like a proper adult was rather difficult while in that head space. But, I am an adult and there were things that needed to be done. So, I rushed about to do them. And promptly got a speeding ticket.

When I got to work, the mom and daughter opened the door, and then I immediately started to cry. They were standing there, waiting for me, with gifts to celebrate my one year anniversary of working for them. I spent most of my session crying to these beautiful people.

And then I talked both ears off my dear friend, who’d offered to drive me to the airport. It’s at least an hour and 20 minute drive. I think she maybe said 2 sentences.

Once I was all checked in, I had time to squeeze in one margarita. As I took my first sip, I smiled, and the sighed, contentedly. The woman sitting next to me noticed and made a comment. We both laughed and shortly, were engaged in conversation. I explained to her where I was going – and why. And cried again, of course.

There was a married business man sitting next to me. He had no choice but to listen to my story as I chatted with the sweet lady next to me, as he finished up both his meal and what appeared to be some work. As he got up to leave, he looked me in the eye and said, simply, “Feel better,” and after I said thank you, he left. When I finished my margarita, I went to pay the bill. The bartender told me that it’d been paid for by the gentleman sitting to my right. The “feel better” guy. I completely lost my shit right then and there. Like, full on ugly cried. I was sobbing in a bar at the airport.

This is how I started my trip to Greece.

My head was scattered. Emotional. Anxious. I was a complete and utter wreck. I was doing something unlike anything I’d done for myself before. Alone. Could I do this on my own? No, wait… How could I do this on my own?!

But I did. I made it on my flight and settled in my seat. I made my two connections, landed in Athens, and waited for the cab that was supposed to get me. I found myself in the wrong part of the airport and a kind Greek gentleman told me where I was supposed to go. I contacted my photographer friend I came to Greece to meet and do the tour with and he spoke with my cab driver, making sure he knew where to take me. I got to the bus station, bought my bus fare, ate a Greek pastry, and made it on the right bus. I rode that bus for what seemed like forever, but it was only about 4 hours, then got in a taxi to take me to my hotel, where I checked in and made my way to my room. I contacted my photographer friend that I was there, safely.

I did all of that. Yes, with the help of others, but on my own. I made it from Denver to Athens safely and with nothing lost or left behind (though I did almost forget my suitcase on the bus… *eyeroll*). I am so used to someone double checking things for me that I wasn’t sure I’d be capable of any of this on my own.

Yet, I’m here. I’m still in Greece, in the middle of my photography tour, with 2 of the most wonderful humans I could’ve ever connected with. And they started as random strangers that I met through pretty pictures on instagram. (** Side note. Picture this. I wrote to one of them and told him that his pictures made me want to go there and see it all in person. Today, I saw through his lens, literally and figuratively, as I took my own pictures in the exact locations his pictures portrayed. Actively live life and things will happen that will blow your mind! **)

I took a risk. Somehow, I was able to force myself to take that risk, realizing I’d never prove to myself that I was “enough” of anything until I actually did something of some great magnitude. And now it’s paying off in ways I probably still don’t even realize. I have been in Greece for only 3 full days. I still have 4 full days to go.

And I’ve already fallen in love. Completely. Madly. Wildly.

I’ve fallen in love in Greece…with myself.

My bucket’s patches are holding strong – for now. Of course it’s a patch job, so there will be leaks and cracks that are bound to occur. Which is why this, proper self-care, is now a lifelong act. I cannot ever expect anyone else to make me feel as though I am enough. I have to believe it first for myself. I have to see my worth. I have to know that I am priceless.

And I do. Every single day is magical. Every day I have a choice to talk to myself rather than to simply listen to the old messages. Well, those messages? They’re being erased and replaced with a mantra I now tell myself throughout the day. The words are positive and reflect strength. They are superbly healing. My conversations within are filled with light and love for myself. When I begin to doubt, or self-criticize, or feel unworthy, I switch to my mantra and repeat it until I feel it burning true in my soul.

I am strong. I am capable. I am enough.

The more I say it, the more I believe it to be true. The more it becomes my internal message during times of doubt, stress, and hurt. No longer do I need to seek the attention from others to make me feel good and valued. It isn’t anyone else’s job to do that. Sure, do I like it when others make me feel good? Of course! Genuine compliments are beautiful and they make me smile. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

But I no longer depend on them. I see me. I see my worth. And you know what that means?

I am free. And I am happy. More so than I think I have ever felt in my entire adult life. The love and radiance in my heart and soul is pure bliss. So much, that I frequently find myself with a little smile on my face and then I sigh contentedly (much to one of my photographer’s unease *hehehe*).

All is good in this world of mine. And it just keeps on getting better. I am, quite honestly, now looking forward to this journey. Life is nothing but an adventure and I’m finally strong enough to see it that way.

So, if you find yourself struggling with your own self-worth, I would highly recommend you push out of your comfort zone – whatever that means to you. See what you’re actually capable of that you never thought you could do. Safely, obviously. Perhaps it’s sitting alone at a restaurant, enjoying a meal with only your own thoughts to keep you company. Perhaps it’s going to Target alone after dark. Those were both things I started with, both rather benign activities to some but that made my heart race and palms sweaty. Safely, with calculation, push yourself out of your comfort zone. Start small. Be smart about it. And then watch yourself grow and see where it leads.

I can promise you this, though: there is no better feeling than unconditionally loving yourself. You’ll be amazed with what follows when that finally happens. Tonight, I am sending my love to you all. May you feel it, understand how to create it from within, and go fall in love with yourself. And then keep doing so, throughout every moment of this marvelous life of yours.

You are strong. You are capable. You are enough. ❤️

Photo Credit: Chris Nanos www.theatlasroamers.com

life

My Ex is Dead

November 9, 2019November 9, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

Last night, my ex died. Not literally, though he is dead to me now. Any last hope I had that somewhere deep inside he’s a good person, is also dead.

Yesterday, I was served with papers from his lawyer stating he did not agree with the calculations ordered by the courts. He believed I was lying about my income and, therefore, is fighting me on support payments.

Here’s an interesting story for you.

Shortly after I started dating my ex, he was arrested for a DUI. He spent a night in jail, where I had to bail him out. He lost his job. He lost everything. And, while our relationship was still quite new at this point, I stood by his side. I lifted him up. I supported him in every single way a loving partner ought to have supported her significant other.

This DUI followed him for years. For quite some time, he had to take whatever crappy job he could, slowly working to build his career back up. We had our daughter and I managed teaching full time, taking care of every detail of managing a home and family, and raising our daughter, almost completely by myself. So that he could focus on rebuilding his career.

Today, he has a job where he makes over $10,800 each month (he actually texted me and corrected me on this) This month, I’ll make right around $800. I typically average right around $2000 per month.

In our divorce, I didn’t come after his retirement, though I could have. I didn’t come after him for many, many things I very well could have. I only requested to follow the court’s calculated support payments. The court agreed. And so did he, signing all the papers.

His income today is largely due to me – his girlfriend, then fiancée , then wife – supporting him, helping him rebuild the life he lost, through his own irresponsible actions. When we met, he was tens of thousands of dollars in debt. His credit score was embarrassing. He made extremely poor financial decisions.

I stood by his side. I helped him rebuild.

When he started punching me with his words, I still stood by his side. I helped him rebuild.

When he tells people “his side” of the story, he tells them how, y the end of our marriage, we had sex quite infrequently and that I rarely kissed him.

This is fact. I do not deny losing passion for him.

He treated me like garbage. Why would I choose to be intimate with somebody who spent much of his time insulting me? See, what people don’t know is that while I was fighting an extremely debilitating illness that gave me chronic fatigue and incredible pain, while teaching full time (where I had four preps – if you’re a teacher, you understand what that workload looks like), while managing the home, while raising our daughter, all with as much of a smile on my face as I could muster, he was out, building his career.

That was his focus. And I supported him.

Well, that, and treating me like garbage the next day for falling asleep with our daughter while putting her to bed rather than spend time in the evening with him. Falling asleep was never a choice. And I dealt with immense guilt for not having the ability to stay awake and spend time with him.

Rather than be compassionate and understanding, however, he would attack me first thing in the morning the next day, serving up an onslaught of words that felt like punches to the gut. His words were so ugly that they literally affected me physically.

And then, another new day started – again.

Where everything was repeated.

This happened for years and years.

I came to believe that I was not enough. I was not worthy. No matter what efforts I attempted to put forth, they were laughed at because, in his eyes, it wasn’t ever enough. To him, I showed no effort. He only saw what he wanted to.

Meanwhile, I was his punching bag and still tried to be a good wife, taking care of everything I could so that he could focus on rebuilding his career.

I took the almost daily verbal and emotional abuse. Why? I have no idea. Guilt, I guess. And believing I deserved it. If I could’ve been healthy enough to be a good wife, then he wouldn’t have had to be so angry towards me. If he could still be living in Florida, he wouldn’t have to be so resentful towards me, slinging his anger at me like daggers cutting through my heart.

We tried marriage counseling. The therapist tried outlining to my ex why I was who I was in our marriage. For a minute, I thought he got it…he didn’t.

I finally found a doctor who listened to me. After exploratory surgery, it was found that I had one of the worst cases of endometriosis he had ever seen. And he was not a young doctor. We decided to do a less invasive surgery, one where the doctor predicted I’d be healthy and good to go for approximately the next 3 years.

I felt great for about 3 months before all my previous symptoms started to come back. I dealt with them, getting progressively sicker for the next 3 or so months. In June, I went back to my doctor, because I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Everything with my endo was so severe, that I was scheduled for a hysterectomy just 6 days later. During surgery, it was discovered that my appendix was so diseased that the doctor was in shock that it hadn’t ruptured. I had an emergency appendectomy, too.

After surgery, I didn’t take any pain medicine. Once the pain meds from the surgery wore off, I didn’t take anymore again – for days.

The pain from that surgery was less than the chronic pain I’d been dealing with for the previous 5 or so years. So much less that I actually drove myself home from my hysterectomy and was hiking (miles) in Utah (on a family camping trip) just 11 days later.

This was a little over 2 years ago. That was also less than 1 year before my ex decided cheating on my was the way to go. Our marriage was shit from years of stress, years of beating me down for not being good enough, and he gave it less than one year after I was finally healthy to try to work on us.

He never worked on us.

Three or so months after he started cheating on me (unbeknownst to me), we went on a “beautiful family vacation” to Anguilla. There are a lot of Europeans who vacation in Anguilla and one woman’s standard of beach attire was much different than mine.

I knew my ex was watching her every move that day. What I didn’t know was that when he took a picture of his daughter and I, it was actually a picture of this beautiful, naked woman who was standing in the background.

He had such little respect for me that he didn’t even realize this was a dirty and disrespectful thing to do. When we came home, we went on a camping trip with a friend of mine and her family. We started talking about our trip to Anguilla and my ex asked the husband, “Hey, do you want to see a picture of my beautiful family on the beach?” He, laughing quite jovially, pulled up the picture, and then zoomed in to the real focus, of the naked woman in the background.

Guys, this was my life. Disrespecting me daily, womanizing, devaluing, and de-emphasizing my worth.

We were together for almost 11 years.

Recently I found an old journal with an entry dated approximately 4 months into our relationship. The first sentence is, “The words you just said to me stung as though you just smacked me across the face.”

When he shares his side of the the story, where I didn’t show him physical attention, please understand my side, too. For our entire relationship, I supported him so that he could rebuild his life professionally, all while managing the home and raising our daughter, teaching, and, for at least the last 6 years of our marriage, dealing with a chronic illness so severe that the pain 24 hours post major surgery felt like a literal walk in the most beautiful park.

When he hired a lawyer to contradict the court’s decision on support payments, he finally died to me. I finally see him for exactly who he is. He never once valued me as a partner, oftentimes making derogatory remarks regarding my teacher’s salary, amongst other things, and chose to focus on the fact that I didn’t take care of his physical needs.

Day after day, year after year, I was reminded that I was not enough. I was treated like garbage. I was reminded that I was an awful wife, almost daily, for the vast majority of our relationship.

And yet, I supported him so that he could rebuild. I took care of every detail so he didn’t have to worry about anything outside of building his professional life again. And I did so, for the most part, with a smile on my face.

He chose to end our marriage by cheating on me with random women across the country, then coming home on the weekends to remind me just how awful of a wife I was, and sit in therapy sessions that he later told his mistresses all about. He chose to stop working on our marriage less than one year after I was finally healthy.

Through sickness and health were not vows he embraced. Looking back, what he showed me was not love. And if I were gracious enough to define it as such, it surely was not unconditional love. He only treated me well when he was on the receiving end of physical attention. I was barely a human to him, much less a valued partner.

And he’s showing me that again.

I am not valued.

My efforts in managing all the details in order to support him from being in a position of being in jail and losing everything to where he now makes well over $10,000 per month (oh, and that does not include any bonuses he will be receiving), is non-existent to him.

He threw this family away. He threw me away. And he continues to devalue me.

Well, I am a changed woman and will no longer give him the power and control it takes to feel devalued. Sure, last night when I received the letter from his lawyer, I lost my ever loving mind. I was betrayed once again. His actions showing me that all he does is purposely hurt and destroy others – even the woman that helped to bring him to where he is today.

So, he’s dead. His actions will no longer have any impact on me. He is completely inconsequential to my life. I agreed to his lawyer’s request, following the court mandated amounts, because he is not worth any more effort. I could absolutely hire my own lawyer and make out like a bandit, as my documentation supports a lower amount than what I even thought I made. I could probably also sue him for the emotional and verbal abuse. I could hurt him financially to where he would regret his decision to hire this lawyer of his.

I could.

But that would mean putting energy into a human that no longer exists to me.

So I won’t.

Entitled? Call it what you will. I earned that money, too. He would not have the opportunity he currently has if it weren’t for me and my support over the last 11 years. I worked hard for the income and it is just as much mine as it is his. I know my value and fully understand it, even if he doesn’t. He won’t. He never did.

So, this is the last is the energy I will give to a man that is now dead to me.

Because my ex died last night. And I am finally released from any hope of the person I thought he could be. Because he doesn’t exist to me anymore.

When a person dies, he can’t hurt you anymore. I am finally free.