I wrote a poem a little while ago and one of the lines was something like: I’m only surviving on borrowed hope. I needed other peoples’ visions of the future, of my future, to keep me bobbing along the surface, when I really felt as though I was drowning. Recently, I started to see the cracks forming in the armored shell I wear, and a bit of light has started to seep through. I think that maybe now I’m no longer surviving on borrowed hope, but I may just have some of my own.
This has been a journey. Everything is, though, right?
I moved out of my home 2 years ago. And the trauma bond that had been keeping the attachment to that relationship finally broke about a year ago. I have been in therapy learning about myself, trauma, attachment styles, my childhood, my parents, my experiences, and more – all to understand why. So many “whys.” I’ve also been processing through photography because there’s so much I feel I have to stay silent about from this broken relationship. Since I cannot process with words, I’ve been processing through my art. I mean, the phrase, “a picture is worth a thousand words” is popular for a reason.
Recently, I did a selfie shoot to capture the contradiction I feel within. I am filled with hatred and anger and grief and I’m filled with light and love and joy. To live with such polar opposite feelings has long made me feel absolutely bonkers crazy. I don’t like it and I have struggled to understand how such conflicting emotions can live within me simultaneously. But, whether or not I understand it isn’t the point, I guess, because it’s my real, lived experience regardless of my level of comprehension.
So, I have slowly started to embrace just feeling the crazy. But then something happened a few days after I did this shoot…
I decided to start with my 60 second photoshoot experience to create intentional joy within and to just laugh at myself. I needed the reminder that I am strong, that I am magic…that I am walking sunshine, as my closest friends tell me. I had packed a super fun outfit that I’d never worn that had a bunch of mirrors all over it – it’s like wearing a disco ball. And I also brought my disco ball pillow to throw around, figuring it’d make me laugh at myself (note: it did).
After playing and feeling the release that only laughing can bring, I decided to close out my shoot with something a bit more moody. I’d brought my angel wings, because sometimes I feel like a fallen angel. Sometimes I feel as though I was supposed to be this sweet, innocent, precious being, but life just kept shooting me down.
After I captured what I wanted, I was exhausted. Emotionally spent. I packed up and went home.
It wasn’t until later, when I was creating a reel for social media, that I really thought about what I’d created. I had made a visual representation of what I was feeling inside. I had captured the contradiction.
Smile and dance. Seethe with rage and hate. Stand tall and be fiercely strong. Fall to the floor and scream.
All this lives inside all at once. Pretty much always – though the rage and hatred are feeling a tad more controlled recently.
This photoshoot helped me to embrace the contradictions that I have been fighting against for so, so long. I finally feel as though I have the permission to live in both vibrancy and grayscale. I am someone who is filled with love and compassion and softness and I am also made of hard edges and everything that comes with carrying grief and surviving intense trauma.
A therapist I spoke with recently explained to me that it’s important to name your trauma and that was so validating for me to hear. He spoke of existential trauma, betrayal trauma, and even of a trauma that was so specific in one of his clients that it didn’t fit in any box, so together, they coined their own name for it. This was another significant piece of the puzzle for me and it fell into place around the same time as this photoshoot.
So when looking through the photos from my shoot, I began to see that a whole person existed in each capture. And it helped me begin to accept that I am whole, despite the contradictions, and not shattered because of them.
After having this epiphany, I then went on a short vacation with dear friends. One of my friends has all sorts of tattoos, one of which is “stay gold.” She also creates her own jewelry and has rings with that same phrase stamped on them. I’ve been friends with her for years, have seen the tattoos and the jewelry, and have never been particularly moved by the phrase.
Until now.
For those that have read the book The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, you understand this phrase. It’s rather famous. But if you don’t know it, the way that I interpret it is, essentially, to not let the heaviness of a burdened past steal your light and joy.
I will never fully heal from my trauma. I don’t believe people ever do. I am forever changed from it. And I am still grieving, for many reasons, and also because I have not fully accepted this truth yet. However, one day those experiences will no longer be crippling. They’ll no longer affect me with the same magnitude they do today. I do believe that. So, this time, when I saw her jewelry, when I picked up the ring that had “stay gold” stamped on it, I felt the energy of that phrase thrill through my body.
Just because I have a heavy past that I am still trying to comprehend, doesn’t mean that I should lose the wonder, hope, and childlike joy that lives inside of me. Nothing will take that away from me because I just won’t allow that to happen.
Obviously, I bought the ring. And now I’ll wear it everyday as a reminder to “stay gold.”
(Originally written in early January, 2026 but I wasn’t ready to post until today.)
Excuse me while I clear my throat and test my voice in this space once again. It’s been so long since I’ve felt capable of writing. So much of my life is now lived in silence and I feel stifled. I feel as though I cannot tell my story. Not yet, at least. And, so, this writing voice has been quiet in my head.
But lately, I’ve been thinking more about writing. It’s like this little annoying whisper in the dark corners of my mind. And so, here I am, wondering what will spill from my mind and through my fingers and into this space.
I recently had a birthday. I guess I can start there. It was my first birthday in a long while that I truly enjoyed. So many of my past birthdays have had a cloud over them, sometimes partially blocking the sun, sometimes leaving me in the middle of a violent storm. But this birthday was filled with radiant sunshine.
People have asked me what made this birthday so special and it took me a while to understand what it was about this year that made it feel so different. The conclusion I finally arrived at was this: I find birthdays extremely special. To age is a gift. It’s a privilege. I had the incredible fortune of turning 45 in December and I’m ever so grateful for that. In the past, however, I feel like the people in my life didn’t match this same energy and excitement and the energy I received felt rather like it was a chore or burden to make my birthday special. But this year, I was with my mini-me, who also loves birthdays and gets excited about the celebration. My energy was received, and matched. The day was perfect and I felt truly celebrated and loved in each encounter I had with others.
So, this birthday felt extra meaningful and special. And that energy kind of spread through my mind and body, making me believe this year will be extra meaningful and special.
And it’s also just so incredibly heavy. It feels like every day, there’s a new awful story that I’m hearing from either my friends dealing with huge, scary, frustrating problems or from strangers on my phone, talking about the tragedies in our communities and the shocking news of what is happening around our country.
Which leads me to being absolutely forced to learn how to live with duality. I’ve never been able to process conflicting emotions at the same time. I live in the black and white. I live in clarity. I absolutely detest confusion and have no tolerance for the gray areas. I’m either feeling happiness or sadness – never both. How does that even work??
Well, there’s no choice now but to figure it out. And I am. I haven’t yet watched the movie Everything Everywhere All at Once but, man, that title is like the title of my life right now. I feel everything constantly. And it makes me feel crazy, to be perfectly honest. I feel happy while also feeling intense anger inside of me. I feel chronic sadness and also feel a deep void and nothingness within. I feel like I walk along a fine line between sanity and utter collapse most days, all with a smile on my face. And apparently, feeling a variety of emotions at the same time is not only normal, it’s healthy! So, I’m learning how to grieve, heal, and feel through each day, while trying to function as a mom, a creative, a business owner, a friend…
It’s exhausting.
And some days, I don’t manage it well. And other days, I make it my job to distract myself from everything I’m thinking and feeling because I just cannot. And then, there are the days where I somehow manage to process a tiny fraction of my emotions. I know there’s a long road ahead of me still. And not being able to process out loud is difficult for me, as I am a verbal processor. So, everything just kind of stays jumbled and a mess.
But I’m finally making peace with that. I’m a mess and it isn’t surprising, given my story. So, I’m learning to give myself grace to feel everything, and nothing, all at once.
On Feb. 28, 2021, I wrote a blog by this title, minus the question mark. I’ve lived a bit more life since I wrote that hopeful little piece and the way I think of love has changed once again.
At that point in my life, I always thought of love in a romantic sense. With a forever partner. And I always thought that that specific kind of love had evaded me, since I always seemed to have problems with romantic love.
What I have since discovered is that I actually have experienced that rich, beautiful, loyal, unconditional love I had always been chasing and felt I’d never received because, well, the choices I made in men and the choices those men made. I had just been looking for it in the wrong places and ignoring the love that I had been cloaked in for years.
That darling, special love is the love I experience with my closest friends. They’re always judgment free zones, they ask questions and push me to be a better version of myself, they’re my biggest cheerleaders, and the ones that support me unconditionally. I was so focused on romantic love and felt its absence soooo intensely that I completely ignored the greatest love of all.
My closest friends have witnessed pretty much all the versions of me and have never once done anything other than celebrate each me that’s ever existed. I’ve never been too much for them and I’ve never had to shrink myself for them. Their words have been writing me love letters for decades and their actions have backed up each and every one of their sentences.
Now, when I hear a love song on the radio, I think of the friendships I have in abundance, those people who define what love truly is and how it is supposed to feel. They know how to love me, how to support me, and how to encourage me. When I go silent and retreat because life is just too heavy to be able to lift the weight from me, they patiently wait for me. And when I come back, they welcome me back as though I’d never gone missing and no beats were skipped.
True love is sitting with my bestie in her living room while we’re each on our phones doing our own thing because simply breathing the same air and sharing the same space is enough. She demands nothing from me, and I return that same sentiment. True love is knowing how much music and lyrics touch my heart and receiving a random song on a random day, because my bestie thought of me. True love is showing up for an event for my bestie and barely even talking to her because she’s busy hosting, yet we still feel the love between one another, without a single spoken word.
True love is listening to my drama and asking me questions and leaning in with curiosity and when I say that I just don’t know and lack understanding and clarity, they say that’s okay and remind me it’s a normal space to be in, all while being free of judgments and their opinions.
I have experienced an abundance of true love in this life. It’s always been there, I just didn’t realize it was defined in this way. Once I shifted and started listening to love songs through the lens of friendship, I practically melted.
Love in this life? Yeah, I have it. Wholly, deeply, completely. And, man, am I lucky.
Picture a warm, breezy summer day. The trees are fully bloomed, leaves in various shades of green adorning the branches. Everything is bright, joyful, and very much alive. Then, a gust of wind picks up and just catches one of the leaves right, detaching it from its home. It gets caught in the blowing wind, and floats along in the sky, playing with the breeze as it glides this way and that.
That leaf is me.
I am bright, joyful, and very much alive. Yet, I do not pretend to understand the direction I am heading. My path is unclear and it feels as though the minute I start to settle in and enjoy the view from this angle, a gust of wind comes out of nowhere and shoves me elsewhere.
Somedays, it brings me peace to picture myself as this leaf, floating from here to there and enjoying the view as I go. It feels somewhat natural, now, to embrace the uncertainty.
But these last few days, I’ve wanted to snatch that damn leaf out of the sky and stuff it under a rock. I’m so sick and tired of getting shoved just when I start to feel like I understand my place in this life.
Things make sense. And then they don’t. And everything feels like it’s turning upside down once again. It’s becoming increasingly frustrating. Nothing makes sense.
I was talking with a close friend a couple weeks ago and she reminded me of something I’d been told ages ago by someone I trusted and respected and had proven herself as someone worthy of giving sage advice.
I am not meant to experience true, lasting, romantic love in this life. I won't be with my soulmate - that isn't what this life is for. This life, the one where I'm a stupid leaf, at the universe's mercy like a sick joke, is for lessons and growth.
I’m over it. I’m sick of the lessons. I’m sick of the sorrow that accompanies lost love. I’m sick of starting over. I’m sick of not feeling the beautiful reciprocity of the love that I put out into the world (romantic love, that is. I’ve got friendship and familial love down solid, thankfully). I’m sick of being so naïve as to believe that karma exists, that the good I put out will be received tenfold.
I honestly no longer believe in true, lasting love. I don’t think it exists for me, nor will it. I stopped believing in it a couple years ago, had a moment where maybe I could be convinced it was a thing, then the damn wind sent me tumbling again. There’s something that’ll be good enough, I guess, where the heart feels it to be sufficient. But what that wise woman said must be true, as my history and present proves it time and again. I won’t have my soulmate, I won’t feel loved in the way I so desire.
And, because I am a leaf, and there’s a bigger picture offering me perspective, I give in. I’ll accept the love that I am given, while I ache for something greater, because the ache will be a part of me, regardless of who I am with or where I am at or which path I get shoved to next.
The ache is the lesson. And this is my journey. So I willingly submit.
Ahh, traveling… When once upon a time, we were allowed to take these soul changing journeys.
Since we can’t go anywhere for now, come along on a photographic journey with me at Craig’s Impressions and read about the moment that rocked me to my core…to the instant that I woke up and realized who exactly I am.
Have you had these soul re-defining moments? Do you still struggle to try to prove to others, or to yourself, who you are?
While I still have my moments, they are thankfully few and far between. I am confident and secure in who I am and while I can still be shaken by threatening and abusive words, it doesn’t take much to remember who I really am.
Remember that you are enough. That only you define your self worth and write the narrative of your life. And it is not your responsibility how others choose to see you, only how you choose to see yourself.
Focus on the beauty that abounds and surrounds, and, more importantly, that lives within you. Have a phenomenal day and I hope you feel the love that I am sending your way.
It’s supposed to be a lucky day. St. Patrick’s Day. The luck of the Irish, right? Well, perhaps, in hindsight, today continues to be lucky…despite last year’s events and this year’s pandemic shutting everything down. When viewed properly, March 17th is indeed a lucky day. It’s all about perspective…
There are distinct moments in our lives where we are shoved off our path with such great force that we’ve lost the old path completely and find ourselves battered and bruised in unknown territory. It hurts. It’s scary. And you’re absolutely lost.
But that exact moment, that figurative violent kick from the universe, was exactly what you needed to wake up and learn lessons you refused to learn the easy way. You weren’t entirely and intentionally doing anything to grow, so the beautiful universe then decided to intervene.
I flew off my path at 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019 and face planted elsewhere, landing in unknown and very painful territory. I spent the majority of the last 365 days rediscovering not only who I am, but deciding who I want to be.
This past week has been a lot harder than I anticipated. I love the path I’m currently walking. I love the people I am walking it with. I love myself.I love.
So why have these days been so hard?
It hit me on Sunday. The insecurities that overwhelm you when you’ve been cheated on are abundant. I…
Oof. I just had to walk away. This is surprisingly turning out to be one of the hardest blogs I’ve written. The feelings and thoughts filling my very being right now are so painful and I was not expecting this time to be so challenging. These emotions have caught me completely off guard.
It’s like, everything I’ve reflected on and had thought was nicely processed and behind me is right in front of my face again. It’s like I’m her again. The me I was a year ago. The one who was inadequate in all aspects of her life. Everything is rushing back to the surface and I feel buried in all that shit all over again.
Growth is work. Constant work. Constant positive self-talk, to drown out the voice that seems to always be there, ready to lie to you. And I’m trying so hard to shut that voice up. I thought I had. Ugh, it had been silent for months.
But today…today is hard. I feel inadequate.
At least today, I know that feeling is a lie.
Because I’m not only adequate. I far exceed that. I’m not just enough – I am more than enough. And today, well, today is weird. But, on most days, it doesn’t matter if others don’t see that. Because, quite simply, I do.
So that’s the key. I have to fill my head with positive self-talk. And surround myself with people who lift me up…who remind me that I am strong and amazing…who tell me they’re grateful I’m in their lives. There’s no doubt that my ex’s negative words became the voice in my head, filling my being with lies for years upon years. And there’s also no doubt that my community has gotten me to where I am today. They never hesitate to fill me with unconditional love and encourage me with their uplifting words.
My community has supported me for the full 365 days that have past, seemingly, in a flash. They never once judged me, ridiculed me, or left my side for even a second. They chose to lift me up when I fell and I had so many shoulders to cry on – which was necessary because there was a bit of a flood for a while. They never condemned me for how I chose to process the pain. They believed in me. Not only that, but they believed in love for me when I was sure it didn’t – couldn’t – exist. It is also because of my community that I was able to be vulnerable and dream of love again…because I felt their love so deeply that I knew it surely must exist in reality.
It isn’t easy to come out on the other side from a catastrophe. It takes careful diligence, intention, and far too many difficult moments of seeing who you are at your core. And it truly takes a village.
But it pays off.
So now I’m taking a moment to pause. As I close my eyes, I see myself standing in the middle of this beautiful, blossoming path, so fragrant with brand new, blooming life that I can no longer smell the shit that covered me just days, weeks, and months ago. And as I open my eyes and look around, I see my people who have willingly chosen to accompany me on this journey.
This new community is filled with not only my tried and true, been-there-for-every-step-of-all-my-journeys soulmates, but also people who have come into my life that I never fathomed could ever exist. These significant souls keep pushing me to grow, to dig deeper in order to discover the true roots of my pain, so that I can continue to properly heal my past wounds. And as I take this symbolic meandering down my new path, I can give myself a little pat on the back, pause to smile, and realize how far I’ve really come.
It was this past Tuesday, March 10, that I realized the date. And the week that followed has been a roller coaster. I was incredibly on edge and the people closest to me felt that chaotic energy and, thankfully, dealt with it with grace. I purposely pushed buttons over the weekend, as the emotions that were coming out by then were anger and insecurity. And then I started to write this past Sunday afternoon, when the anger had finally left and was replaced completely by intense self-doubt and vulnerability.
And I continued to write, well into Tuesday, March 17, but now in yet another significantly different place.
When I had to walk away, when I had a bit of a breakdown while writing…that began to heal me. When I wrote on Monday, I felt uplifted. I finally saw my baggage. I had been holding something so heavy all week but I didn’t know what it was. Just that it was an incredible burden. It was weighing me down and turning me into my former self – though I was fighting it hard.
But then, after a lengthy chat with a soul that truly gets me, I was able to stand in front of that figurative mirror, my dear old friend from the past year, that I hadn’t stood before in months. And I saw what that weight was. I saw the roots of those feelings of inadequacy.
And what I saw surprised me.
My ex did some work to bring me down and led me to believe I wasn’t enough. Years of it. Well into the wee hours of this morning, it hit me. I realized that what was really happening was that he was projecting onto me the pains from his own childhood, the feelings of never being enough for his own father. Growing up, no matter what he did, he couldn’t get his dad’s approval or attention. I can’t even imagine how inadequate that makes a young boy feel and how heavy that makes a little boy’s heart. The pain that my ex has lived with, of never feeling like he was enough…that’s heartbreaking. And he didn’t know how to process that pain, so he projected it onto me, causing his pain to be mine.
Ultimately, he cheated, I think, because I devalued him. Just like his dad had. I unknowingly and unintentionally triggered the memories of that same old pain from childhood because I wasn’t being nurtured how I needed to be. It was a vicious cycle. He didn’t give me what I needed, so I didn’t give him what he needed. I didn’t behave with understanding or compassion.
I see now, though, that I wasn’t getting what I needed from him, not because he didn’t want to give it to me, but because he was just too broken to do so. I took his pain personally and then internalized it all, because, frankly, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t understand because I had never really read the whole story. Looking at him today, I know now that he loved me, although that was something I’d questioned for the last 6 years of our marriage, causing more hurt and resentment. He just had no clue how to show it because he couldn’t overcome the hurt in his heart that’d been simmering there for decades.
Cheaters are victims, too. They cheat because they’re trying to cover their pain, ignoring it by finding solace, even for just a few moments, in somebody – anybody – who will give them the attention they’ve been seeking since childhood.
One year later, I understand. He never intended to intentionally hurt me. I was just the collateral damage to his trauma.
So I see it – and feel it – a bit more clearly now. I am not insignificant or inadequate. And I am not a victim.
I think I can finally move forward in grace, as I now have an understanding of what occurred like never before. Perspective is beautiful.
365 days later. What. A. Year!
Today, my heart swells with compassion for my ex. And I’m also thrilled to have been catapulted onto this path I am walking today, filled with these once-strangers who see me, push me, and help me to grow, and who I am now lucky enough to call my family.
As we navigate this new season all of us are entering, with our country, no, our global community, at a virtual standstill, I think it’s important that we embrace these hard-earned lessons. None of us fully understands another’s story because we’re all reading it through our own filters. If we take a moment to step outside of ourselves, to remove our personal filter, to change our perspectives, we can then begin to live with true compassion.
From the beginning I’ve wanted to live through this catastrophe with grace. I can see the bigger picture now. We all have our hurts. Therefore, it only makes sense that we all give grace, live with love in our hearts, assume best intent in others, and treat everyone with kindness and true tenderness. Life is hard. It’s going to be a touch harder now that everything is shut down and social distancing is a thing. As humans, we are naturally social beings. So, give love in whatever capacity you can. Be gracious. And if someone hurts you, try to approach the situation with mercy and understanding. Hurt people hurt people. Try not to add to their hurt.
I wish you all an open heart so you can feel the peace, love, and luck on this very odd St. Patrick’s Day.
Looking back at the last year, I think I handled myself mostly with grace during this catastrophe. There were some questionable moments, sure. Like the time that I bragged to people who were friends at the time about knowing the bartenders at the local bar so well that they gave me significant discounts on my tab at the end of the night – every night. The bartenders became my friends. They knew my story. They checked up on me and supported me – with lots of booze.
Surely that wasn’t the best way to handle those first several months…but it was the only way I knew how to cope with that catastrophe. I’d often drink, because the goal was to forget what was happening in my real life. I drank (frequently in excess) because real life was much harder than any words I ever wrote in any of these blogs. Some of the things that occurred are just too difficult to share in such a public forum. Just understand, I didn’t want to exist in that life that was handed to me in those moments.
And then, one day, shortly after my ex finally moved out, my perspective began to shift. I was lucky enough to have had the support from an incredible group of strong women who both called me out and showered me with unconditional love. I began to realize that what had happened in my life was a gift. A gift of potential happiness. While I wasn’t yet experiencing true happiness, I at least began to believe I’d be happy again someday.
The universe, our energy, God, destiny…whatever you want to call it, it’s very real to me. I believe in the clichés that everything happens for a reason and that nobody is in our lives by accident.
The following is my proof.
In early July, I randomly followed a Greek photographer on Instagram. Goodness, his pictures were phenomenally exceptional. By that point, 4 months post catastrophe, I’d developed a “screw it” attitude and decided to comment on some of his pictures, even though he had thousands of followers. To my great surprise, he commented back, thanking me for the compliment.
What?! So, because I decided I’d already lost anything significant in my life and there wasn’t much else I could lose, I decided to send him a direct message through Instagram. What was the worst that was going to happen? He wouldn’t respond. Meh. I was okay with a non-response.
So, at 2:20 in the afternoon, on July 12, 2019, I wrote to Billy. I had nothing to lose.
“Hi, there! Seriously, your pictures paint a picture of places I feel drawn to… They’re all in Greece? That’s where you live?”
Exactly 40 minutes later, and to my complete and utter surprise, he responded.
“Ahh thanks so much! Some of them yes! I post mostly from Greece and Italy. I live in Greece, yup!”
At 3:31, I wrote:
“You make me what to get there ASAP. I’ve been itching to go on a trip – Greece just moved to the top of the list.”
(By the way, I’d “been itching to go on a trip” because I wanted to run away. While I’d never leave my daughter for any real stretch of time, I didn’t want to live that life for another second and just needed time away from the disaster that was currently my world.)
In true Billy form, his response was genuine:
“That’s awesome! Let me know if you need any kind of info. *smiley face*”
We went on chatting that first day, on again and off again, for another 90 minutes.
And then talked again the next day and practically every single day until I’d not only made my decision, but I purchased my tickets.
On July 16, I’d decided I was going. To Greece. To meet a perfect stranger, albeit a talented one, that I’d met randomly on social media. Kids, I don’t recommend you do this at home. *eyeroll*
On July 23, at 8:41 am, I wrote to Billy and shared a screenshot. I’d purchased my tickets to Greece.
11 days. In the span of eleven days, I’d connected with a stranger with an incredible talent -through social media – who’d become by friend after hours and hours of chatting. We’d had such an immediately strong connection that I decided to book a photography workshop with him and his business partner (whom I hadn’t even chatted with yet at this point) and was going to be flying halfway around the world and trusting he wasn’t going to scam or hurt me.
That’s the state of mind I was in. I’d been so deeply hurt that nothing would ever cut to my soul in such a manner ever again. And you know what happens when you’ve realized that? Freedom.
I was free.
Though some would say that my newfound sense of freedom led me to make some incredibly careless decisions. But sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there to see what happens. And this rash, bold decision was one I truly would’ve regretted not making.
But…I was still very much broken. Shattered. Unrecognizable for all the wrong reasons. I had no sense of self-worth. I would do almost anything for validation that I was somebody worthy of breathing in the air around me. It didn’t matter who was making me feel like I was someone or why they thought I was special.
I was looking for anything and anyone to fill me up. I craved for someone to see me in the way I was incapable of seeing myself. If “they” showed me approval, then maybe I wasn’t as worthless as I’d thought I was. As I referenced in this blog I wrote while in Greece, I was looking for others to fill my bucket, yet I never felt fulfilled. My figurative bucket was riddled with holes and no matter what I received from outsiders, it never filled me up because I’d never taken the time to patch the holes for myself.
Well, that all was going to change so quickly that it now feels like I blinked and became a whole new woman.
I left for Greece on November 14. One of my closest girlfriends didn’t think I was actually going to go through with it. I had so much anxiety leading up to the trip that I couldn’t pack – I didn’t even finish packing until the morning of the day I flew out. I was an absolute mess. I could barely breathe and cried, with the tears flowing more readily the closer the trip became. And my friend? She didn’t exhale until she knew I was safely at the airport. She kept telling herself, if she actually makes it to the airport, she’s fine, she’ll really go. She just didn’t think I’d make it. I almost didn’t.
Once I was at the airport, I sat down for a drink. And had the most incredible interaction with random strangers at the bar (this story is in the same blog referenced earlier). I had a pretty decent and very public ugly cry. And finally exhaled.
During my flights to my connections in Detroit and then Amsterdam, I started the healing process. I decided to make word art from all the positive words people used to describe me and words I wanted to use to describe myself. I also made word art from all the humiliating and derogatory words my ex had texted me. I only went back about 2 months. That was enough. As I wrote down such ugliness in such a beautiful fashion, I felt myself begin to release the tension and constant pain I’d been holding on to.
Over time, and with so much repetition, I couldn’t help but eventually believe my ex. I was nothing. And I feared everything. These words became my truth.
Thankfully, I had several other people feeding me much different words. I didn’t believe them yet. But I desperately wanted to.
This was only the beginning.
What my trip to Greece did for me is something I’m not sure I’ll ever fully be able to describe with words. The sheer magnitude of this experience renders me speechless. And, when I really try to talk about it, I often cry. It was just so powerful.
Solo travel, especially for a woman, and especially a woman who’d been in a toxic and abusive relationship, is so empowering. To have put all my confidence into two strangers was exhilarating. To actively chase a dream that I’d never had the opportunity to pursue before was magical. This was much more than a leap of faith. It was a plunge into something so great that it was transformative. Who I was on November 14 was not the woman that came back on November 24. I could feel it to my core. Those shattered pieces that I’d actively chosen to ignore for 8 months began to piece back together into an incredible masterpiece.
As it turns out, Billy and Chris, my Greek photography teachers, are absolute geniuses. They have an ability to awaken something inside of you that you always hoped existed but never had the opportunity to explore. If you have even the tiniest desire to explore photography – and the world – do so with the Atlas Roamers. They are incredibly wise and talented and just about the two best people you could ever hope to meet. They are not only my friends, they’ve become my family.
When you spend so much uninterrupted time with the same people, in such an intimate setting (a small car was where we spent hours each day, traveling from one divinely beautiful destination to another, and then more hours in the hotel rooms, where they taught me to edit my photos), where so much blind trust is given, you can’t help but create a bond that is quite unlike any other. These two are forever my brothers and I owe them more than any amount of money could purchase.
It was while I was with them that I fell in love with myself. It was on this wild adventure that I learned I was capable, strong, and enough and no longer had anything to prove to myself anymore. This experience was so dynamic that the only thing I can say about it is to go explore the world for yourself and see how it changes you. There is nothing quite like having to put yourself in such a uniquely vulnerable state that you can’t help but grow from it.
It is because of this solo vacay that my very energy changed. I felt like I was radiating pure joy from every pore in my body. I cried to my mom on video chat on my last day in Athens. She thought it was because I was leaving the next day. But, I was finally able to get out that this experience had been life changing for me.
And not only did every fiber in my body experience a drastic transformation, I’d discovered I was actually a pretty decent photographer.
I own the rights to this picture.
I own the rights to this one, too.
I have such a passion for photography, that I’ve started a new business, Craig’s Impressions, LLC (so if you’d like any prints of my work, I’d be happy to chat with you about it! Feel free to contact me at craigsimpressions@gmail.com).
This new passion project is another leap of faith and here’s the fascinating thing about this: I actually think I can do it! Just a few short months ago, I questioned my self-worth. I allowed others to treat me poorly because I didn’t think I was worth anything better. I excused their shitty behavior, apologizing to them for making them act that way, thinking it was because of something I did. Or perhaps they would’ve reacted differently had I not done x, y, or z.
Their rude, insulting, degrading behavior was my fault. I didn’t think I was capable of much and needed so much outward assurance to get to a point where I’d half believe it. I was faking my way through life, smiling, looking quite self-assured, all while the internal dialogue was something I would’ve smacked any friend for if I’d heard her talking to herself like that. I was living an impostor’s life.
That is, until I faced every fear, felt every negative and derogatory word ever spoken to me, honored that they were the lies, and finally started to release their power over me. And then ended up having the time of my life.
All of this happened in a span of just a few days. My entire internal world began to shake and collapse in all the best ways the second I stepped foot into the Denver airport.
So, this blog is now transitioning from processing my ex’s infidelity to my travels and newly found passion in photography – and the incredible journey that my path is now taking me on. The world I currently live in is so vastly different than the one from before 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019.
And I couldn’t be more grateful for that moment in time, for that stranger, for my ex, and for the roller coaster that this last year has been. Every single chance encounter, each and every decision – responsible or otherwise – has led me to this very second. And it is here, and now, that I am filled with a deep and wonderous love for myself. My bucket is whole and patched up, allowing it to finally be filled. And I am happy.
I do hope you stick around and follow my newest adventures in life! I’m thinking my next blog will be about my recent trip to Ireland and I cannot wait to share the adventures – and photography – from that whirlwind vacation. Until next time…
I’ve been open and honest about the vast array of complicated emotions that have filled my life over the last 9 months and for some reason, sharing the negativity in my life wasn’t ever that difficult for me to do. We all have our own challenging journeys we have to navigate around and throughout these months, I have always known someone who was trying to trudge through much deeper and smellier shit than I was. So, somehow, it was just natural for me to write about mine. It’s always been cathartic.
This blog, though, is different. And the same. I will still be vulnerable and raw – I’ll just be telling a different type of story.
You see, this one is about love.
When everything exploded in my world, I stopped believing in romantic love. How could someone with two failed marriages possibly believe that true love exists? The answer is simple – she couldn’t.
I told my girlfriends that I’d never love again. Fairy tales aren’t real. Love like that surely doesn’t exist. I’ll never be swept off my feet by some Prince Charming. My heart was hardened. I didn’t want to feel love again. Because then, I’d inevitably have to feel that excruciating pain again. And I sure as shit never wanted to shatter again. There’s only so many times you can break before it’s a lost cause.
Or so I thought.
But in the end, I was wrong.
Because I did fall in love. And yet, I didn’t experience excruciating pain when it ended. And I surely didn’t shatter.
And yes, those of you who follow me and read these blogs, you know I fell in love with myself while in Greece.
But I’m talking about before that.
I’ve written from my heart – and with my heart – since I started this writing journey. I’ve been raw, honest, and vulnerable.
But, for some reason, writing about love is so much harder for me. Perhaps it’s because it’s the purest of emotions? Perhaps it’s because it hasn’t even been a year since finding out about my ex’s infidelity? Perhaps it’s because I hear so many people tell me that I can’t, shouldn’t, they wouldn’t…the list goes on. *sigh*
Yet, here I am, my heart racing with nerves as I write this, because love is probably the most intense topic I’ve written about to date. For me, it really is the hardest.
So, thank you. Thank you for reading, for supporting, for commenting, and encouraging, because I’m finally ready to write about love.
I gave my heart to a truly a wonderful man. A man who also happened to be completely emotionally unavailable for me. It was always going to be a dead-end relationship. Dead-end for many reasons.
But…you know what I realized this morning when I woke up?
I fell in love with this guy before I fell in love with myself.
That doesn’t work. It just doesn’t.
You can’t expect someone else to fill your bucket when it’s riddled with holes. I had that epiphany while in Greece and immediately went to work, patching up my holes.
And when I came back from Greece, my path had cleared. He’d fallen for someone else while I was away. It was always going to end and the timing felt right. I’d felt him pulling away for at least the last month we were “together,” so I knew it was coming.
And you know what? I’m happy for him. That’s how I know it was really love that I felt for him. His happiness, his ability to pursue his dreams and settle into the life he’d always imagined, that’s all more important than my momentary sadness at it ending. And since we’re both mature adults, we ended on excellent terms.
Plus…I had this, umm, I don’t even know what to call it other than a magical experience at Byzantino. This is the jewelry store I referenced in my blog: Today is Thursday and where I bought my ring made of old watch parts.
So, quick summary in case you missed that one… While I was in Greece, I went to a super special jewelry store. The women there were beautiful beings, filled with love that they projected onto me. We spent a fair amount of time chatting with one another and I shared my story with them. This was my last day in Greece and I had already undergone an incredible transformation. While we were chatting, one of the women told me things that she saw for my future. My daughter’s, as well. The energy in that little store was so intense while she was speaking and you could literally feel the power behind every word she spoke. It was a moment that has become etched into my very soul.
After purchasing my things, and before I walked out of the store, this same woman approached me with a gift. It was a glass blown heart pendant. As the other woman that worked there was placing it around my neck, she looked me straight in the eyes and began to speak to me about love. She told me that I was going to be blessed with love greater than I had ever experienced before, love that I barely could imagine exists, love that I had ceased to believe was real.
As she spoke these words, I felt my hair go up and had chills all over my body. It was an incredibly intense moment for me where…can you guess what happened? Of course. I cried. It was so intense for me because, with every cell in my being, I believed her. And I knew she wasn’t talking about anyone that was currently in my life.
Somebody else was out there for me. Hoping to feel love like he’d never been loved before. Looking up at the same stars and wishing for the same things as me. A fellow hopeless romantic who would yearn to understand me – all of me. Somebody who would want to hear my stories, feel my history, and use that to understand why I am who I am today. And, more importantly, (now here’s the kicker…) somebody who will choose to make time in his life for me.
My ex didn’t. He couldn’t put his phone down and couldn’t even pretend to care about anything I had to say. And the guy I was seeing, well, in his defense, his career is intense. He rarely has his phone on him during the day. Even so, there were ways he could’ve shown me that I was valued, had he chosen to try, rather than be satisfied having me as a mere convenience in his life. But he chose not to try.
And because of who I was then, because of the lack of love I had for myself, I allowed that type of treatment. I’ve said it before: how could I expect another to value me more than I valued myself?
But in Greece, I shifted. My path shifted. My whole universe shifted, guys! I felt it. Literally. Physically. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling, but people have told me, since coming home, that I look different. And I feel it. My whole aura is bright and light. So, yeah, there’s somebody out there who will match so perfectly with that, that when our paths align, I wouldn’t have to guess my importance in his life. Or hope for it. It’d just be.Effortless. But in the best of ways.
In that moment, in Athens, as I walked out of that jewelry store, my whole world was this new, magical place to live. As I left the little store that was the final piece to my soul’s puzzle, smiling and practically floating along, I fully opened my soul to the universe. My energy was changed. My heart was fully opened. I had learned in the previous month or two thatI was capable of loving another.That was a pleasant surprise. I also had learned what made me feel uncomfortable in a relationship. What bags I could help carry and what ones I’d let the other unpack before deciding to join him on his journey. For weeks, I had been thinking I should let the guy go that I was seeing…and then he let me go.
“Trust the journey.” That’s what I kept telling myself in those early days. Over and over. I came home from Greece 3 weeks ago yesterday and, boy, did I struggle with getting my mindset right. It was a fight to be present – I didn’t want to be here. I wanted, desperately, to be back in Greece. So, one night, when I was feeling particularly melancholy, I wrote my photographer friend on Instagram – the one I’d just spent 6 days with in Greece. We’d talked a lot, both before my trip and also so much during my trip. He knew me well by this point and was quite familiar with my story. Here’s a bit of our conversation:
Me: B, I just want to experience all of Earth’s beauty. Greece opened my eyes to so much… And when I say “Greece” opened my eyes, a great deal of that was you. You are such a caring person. Genuine. I want someone in my life who cares like you do. And, man, did we laugh so easily! I want that, too. You set a bar, for a future relationship of how I want to be treated. You opened my eyes to so much more than photography. I’m really grateful for you, for the whole trip, for all the laughter…for everything.
B: No! This is normal. If you respect yourself, you respect others in the same way and I’m pretty sure that you’ll find someone who will care about you… I mean, for real this time. Believe it or not, everyone takes what he/she deserves to have in this life. It’s up to you to live the life that you want. Nothing beats a strong mindset. Everything else is just the result of this.
He repeated exactly what I’d been telling myself. Someone is only going to value, love, respect, (you fill in the blank) me as much as I do myself. I’ll get exactly what I think I deserve and nothing more. I know this now. And I know me now. And I love me! And I just know that somebody is going to see this light that I’m projecting like it’s a damn lighthouse and want to see what it’s all about.
The lady in the jewelry store was absolutely right. I will be loved again. And it’s going to feel out of this world incredible. And I know I deserve that. Because not only am I in a space that is open to being emotionally vulnerable, I also respect and value myself in such a beautiful way now. I’m comfortable being alone. Actually, I rather enjoy it. And I can find comfort in being uncomfortable. And the best feeling? I no longer rely on any outsider to define my worth. I define it.
So, when my path aligns with another, it will be as a sweet addition to my life, not a necessary one. I’ve never been in a position where I’ve felt that to be true. Goodness, it feels amazing.
It’s all quite delightful…this journey I am on. My path has never been clearer. I’ve never felt lighter or more sure of who I am. There’s 15 more days until my birthday and 16 until the last day of this decade. I’m ready to close it down and happily bid it farewell. A lot of incredible things happened in this decade. I’m quite honestly grateful for it all. Even March 17th, 2019. Maybe even especially March 17th, 2019.
Since I’ve come home from Greece, I have felt unsettled. Apathetic. No desire to be here. Last night, a shift occurred. I’m starting to get my mindset right again. It started in the afternoon, when I had an appointment to get my lashes refilled by my dear friend (self-care people, it’s a thing!). She’s fallen off the exercise wagon and wants to get back on it. I’ve been eating (and drinking) my feelings for a solid 2 weeks and am up more pounds than I’d like to admit. We made a plan to be one another’s accountability partners. So, now I have to care. I am her support system.
That’s one.
My business brings me so much true joy. I worked 7 days in a row this week – and enjoyed every second. I adore the families I work for and am grateful I get to spend my days laughing with my kids. “My kids.” Because my students all become “my kids.” I genuinely love them. And my families. They become my family. And I become theirs. I’m their advocates both in school and at home. I want to protect them and push them and see them flourish. And my heart swells with pride when they succeed. I’ve never had more satisfaction earning an income than I do now. It’s wonderful. I want to care. I am their support system.
That’s two.
Over the weekend, my daughter and I went to the movies. We saw Frozen 2. The amount of tears I shed during that movie should’ve left me dehydrated. Guys, those songs!! They were written for me. It’s like the writers lived inside my head. I swear it. Just read some of these lyrics:
“…deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? Every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow. Don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go… Into the unknown?”
“I don’t know anymore what is true, I can’t find my direction… Just do the next right thing. Take a step, step again. It is all that I can do to do…the next right thing.”
“So I’ll walk through this night. Stumbling blindly toward the light. And do the next right thing.”
“I won’t look too far ahead. It’s too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath. This next step. This next choice is the one that I can make.”
Aren’t those lyrics just everything?
So, yeah. I cried. The. Whole. Movie. And my girl? Goodness, nobody understands how to love me better than her.
She just gets me! She’d look over at me every now and then, and notice the tears silently streaming down my face. Every single time, she just kissed my cheek, held me tighter, and rubbed my arm. She said nothing. Just gave a quick kiss, then went back to the movie, while holding me tight and always rubbing my arm. Once, she offered me a new napkin because mine was destroyed. She noticed. Another time, she offered me popcorn. Because…well, food. But she never made it a big deal. Just kissed my cheek and turned back to the movie.
Afterwards, she didn’t ask any questions. She just loved me. In her own way. Which happens to be my way, too. She is literally the best, most insightful human. And she’s 9. (I remember asking my ex once, “How does our daughter understand how to love me and you don’t?” I think she was 7 at the time… Oh, hindsight, you devil, you.) I care about her more than anything else in the world. I am her support system – and she is mine.
That’s three.
And guys, there are so many more reasons to get my mindset right. To spend my moments intentionally. To enjoy this life that I am living right now and in this space.
Maintaining a consistently focused and intentional mindset is challenging. Even exhausting, at times. It takes commitment, and then re-commitment. I haven’t been in a healthy place since I came back from Greece. My time there was incredibly powerful. It fundamentally changed me in so many ways. I became re-energized and filled with a radiance I hadn’t felt…well, perhaps ever.
And then I came home.
Where life just all of a sudden felt so unimpressive. After the soul-searching journey and re-awakening that had just taken place, I came home to feeling like everything was just a little “less.” I wanted, no – desired – with every cell of my being, to feel what I had in Greece. It was everything. It was magical. It was surreal. And yet, it was ever so incredibly real.
So, yeah, my mindset sucked. I still felt vibrant and more whole and filled with love (self-love, that is) than ever, but I was feeling so unfulfilled. I didn’t feel like this was enough anymore. I had this strangely overwhelming need to leave. After experiencing the significant transformation in Greece, I became wholly dissatisfied with this life.
It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t magical. Or surreal.
But only because I’d decided it wasn’t any of those things.
This world we live in is painted by our thoughts. So, if my thoughts are constantly telling me that this isn’t enough. That I want more. That more is out there…then what kind of world am I living in now???
Well, for a while, one where I was eating all my feelings and drinking every night. Disappointed with the world before me.
Until last night.
When I remembered that’s not who I am. Not anymore, at least. Emotions guide me, sure. But they don’t control me. And yet, I let them.
And then I made the decision to grow up. This is my life. I am here. And it is truly a wonderful life. So, I made the conscious decision to embrace everything that is in front of me, rather than pine away over what I couldn’t have.
So now, here, I honor my emotions. And I release them. And I remind myself that the journey is beautiful.
I’m a dreamer. I want to look ahead and turn my dreams into plans. And at the same time, I’ve never been more certain that those plans just don’t matter. Everything can change in the span of a breath.
And it does. It will. Time and time again. That’s part of the journey. But just like sweet Olaf said in the movie, there is one constant. One thing never changes. And that is love.
Loving another, being filled with real emotions, being vulnerable with another…that is living authentically. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Does it hurt when it ends? Yep. Of course. But feeling the depths of those beautiful emotions is never a waste of time. I’d do it all over again. I will do it all over again.
There’s something so graceful in living – and loving – uninhibited and feeling every single emotion that washes over you. There is beauty in pain. Because you get the opportunity to grow. And really, isn’t that just wonderful? I want to keep growing and changing and absorbing everything I can to make myself a better human every single day. And you can’t grow without being challenged.
So, bring it on, world. Challenge me. Hurt me, even. Because then, and only then, I grow stronger. My fire flames brighter. I become more colorful. And so does the world around me.
After my workout this morning, one of my friends from the gym asked me how I handled the grief after finding out what my ex had done. Did I eat and gain a ton of weight? With him, I didn’t. Because I just didn’t eat. I couldn’t. I was physically ill for a long time and couldn’t even look at food. With another “breakup” of sorts, though, all I’ve done is eat.
How we handle our grief varies not only from person to person, but from our own personal experiences, too. How we handle one transition may be completely different than how we handle another. No grief ever feels the same. How our hearts handle each ending is unique.
But no matter how we choose to handle it, it’s the right way. I told my friend to allow herself some grace. It’s so soon that every way she’s choosing to react is appropriate. The fact, though, that she’s beginning to question how she’s reacting means that she’s perhaps ready to change how she’s handling her grief.
It’s all fluid. How I was handling my sadness since arriving back stateside has shifted. Because I was ready for it to shift. I had my good, cathartic cry at Frozen 2, several great conversations with some girlfriends, focused in on the good of my world, and then found the ability to shift my mindset. I needed to re-frame my reality. And so I did. It took me 2 weeks to get there, but when I was ready, I shifted. I felt it internally. And I couldn’t have forced it. I had to ride that wave out until I finally landed in calmer waters.
They’re there, you know. The calm. Sometimes you have to weather an incredible storm, or a short torrential downpour, but when you’re ready to look up and through the gray, the break in the storm is just ahead of you.
You just have to be ready – and willing – to see it.
It’s beautiful. The world each of us lives in. It’s fulfilling. And exciting. And full of adventures. And love.
It’s all there. Right in front of each one of us… That is, once we decide to open our eyes to it and shift our perspectives to see the abundance.
So here I am. Again. Re-set. And enjoying the view. With eyes wide open.
Perhaps it’s because it’s the end of the year. Or because it’s my birthday month and I’ll be entering the last year of my 30’s in 25 days. Or because I’ve experienced some “endings” recently. But I’ve been feeling a strong sense of “the end.” I’ve thought a lot about my own mortality. Like, a lot. I’m more aware than ever that things just end. And they can change “in the blink of an eye,” as the saying goes.
I feel anxious and unsettled. I no longer feel as though I belong here. Not here in this world, but here as in physically here, right now, in this house, in this town…in this country, even. Don’t get me wrong. I’m quite happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Now I just realize that there’s so much more! And I question, what am I even doing now? Why am I satisfied with this?
Well, as it turns out, I’m not.
It’s an interesting space to be in…to both want to make goals for my future and simultaneously understand that everything could change in the space of time it takes to receive and open an email. How do I make plans for when my daughter graduates in 7.5 years while also remembering that any plan I had on March 17, 2019 at 6:07 pm was annihilated by 6:08 pm?
I’m a dreamer. I always have been. And I have big dreams. No. Plans. I have these great plans in my head that I will make come to fruition. I suppose flexibility is key. Understanding that the only constant is change, so I’ll have to roll with the punches as life continues to move forward, bringing all the joys and catastrophes that it has a way of springing upon us.
What I’m realizing now, more than ever, is that I have to be careful. And intentional. The only way, I think, for me to get around this feeling of being unsettled, of feeling so lost, really, is to actively work towards achieving my goals. My goals, which I’ve rather ignored lately because, you know, life…they ground me. Goals firmly root me to the present while, at the very same time, give me hope for the future.
Which is so important. Because without hope, without some enticing and beautiful vision for the future, life becomes ever so much more challenging. At least, I feel that way. While I know that all the plans and goals I have today may change, I would be lost without them. They’re like a light that shines on my path, giving me a direction to follow. And because I know my path isn’t a straight line, I need that light to guide me.
With focus and intention, I keep taking one step after another, following my path wherever it may lead.
I have to trust the journey.
My eyes are wide open now. I’m seeing with more clarity than ever before. And I want to give this gift to my daughter, as well. The world is vast and magnificent. The adventures – limitless.We are so much more than what we think we know!
I used to say that Colorado was my forever home. I wanted to settle here and never leave. Now, I can’t imagine only knowing this state’s beauty for the rest of my years. My heart is calling me elsewhere. Currently, I left a piece of it in Greece. With future travels, I may leave pieces of my heart in other far-away lands, left as breadcrumbs to lead me back someday.
I can only hope that’s true.
When I got back from Greece, with my eyes shining from all the self-truths uncovered, my soul bursting with radiant joy, I was chatting with a couple girlfriends. One of them turned and said to me, “You are so much bigger than Colorado Springs.”
It touched my heart deeply when she said that. And that sentence has been tossed around inside my head since the second she said it.
We all are so much bigger than what we have in front of us…than what we think we are capable of…than what we assume we know.
We just have to act on it.Take giant leaps of faith.Charge through this life, with confidence, authenticity, and vulnerability, open to whatever stumbles upon our path and ready to unquestionably go forth in a certain direction, when we may find that fork in our road.
My journey over the last 263 days has been incredible. The growth? Immeasurable. The epiphanies? Monumental and truly life-changing.
But I think it’s because, at some point, I stopped fighting against it. I began to trust my journey and became open to everything, seeing obstacles as opportunities and embracing the challenges, rather than fighting against them and complaining about them. At some point, through conversations with others and intense self-reflection, I stopped being the victim of my circumstances and began to take charge of this new life and everything it has to offer.
Because, goodness, is it ever abundant.
I am filled with more sincere joy and love than ever in my life. I am more open to possibility and adventure. I am more vulnerable and authentic. My light shines brighter now than it ever has before. My world is more colorful and vibrant. I feel filled, deep down to my core, with overwhelming gratitude, peace, and clarity.
Seven and a half years will surely go by in a blink. My future awaits me. But, in order to reach it, there is much to do in quite little time. My goals are significant and will take considerable time and effort. And failure. Which only means opportunities for more growth.
It’s all part of the journey that I am now so eager to embrace.
When I first started writing this morning, I was in a bit of a melancholy mood. Viewing the “endings” that have recently come to light with a certain level of sadness. But it’s all about how we frame it, isn’t it?
My history, as broken as it is, fills me with gratitude. For it is because of my journey thus far that has made me more whole than I have ever been.
So, for today at least, I am taking full advantage of this winding path that I’ve been on and where it has lead me, honoring the grand voyage that is this life, and choosing the lenses with which to see it all.
And in case you’re wondering, those lenses are rosy colored. For me, they almost always have been and with positive intention, I’m sure they always will be.
This journey is bright and beautiful and twisty and filled with bumps and hardships and difficulties. There are endings and failures and opportunities and hope. Ultimately, it’s filled with purpose and intention and we take from it exactly what we want to, growing only as long as we’re willing to surrender to true vulnerability and face our fears head on.
There’s far more beauty in the last 263 days than I ever could’ve imagined. From once feeling completely shattered to now brimming with a sense of direction and wholeness I never could’ve imagined for myself.
I now know, without question, that there is more for me beyond what I thought I always knew. With every ending is a new beginning.
So, bring on the new year. And this last year of my 30’s. Because now, I can’t wait to see how it all begins.
A Graceful Catastrophe 