Ahem…

(Originally written in early January, 2026 but I wasn’t ready to post until today.)

Excuse me while I clear my throat and test my voice in this space once again. It’s been so long since I’ve felt capable of writing. So much of my life is now lived in silence and I feel stifled. I feel as though I cannot tell my story. Not yet, at least. And, so, this writing voice has been quiet in my head.

But lately, I’ve been thinking more about writing. It’s like this little annoying whisper in the dark corners of my mind. And so, here I am, wondering what will spill from my mind and through my fingers and into this space.

I recently had a birthday. I guess I can start there. It was my first birthday in a long while that I truly enjoyed. So many of my past birthdays have had a cloud over them, sometimes partially blocking the sun, sometimes leaving me in the middle of a violent storm. But this birthday was filled with radiant sunshine.

People have asked me what made this birthday so special and it took me a while to understand what it was about this year that made it feel so different. The conclusion I finally arrived at was this: I find birthdays extremely special. To age is a gift. It’s a privilege. I had the incredible fortune of turning 45 in December and I’m ever so grateful for that. In the past, however, I feel like the people in my life didn’t match this same energy and excitement and the energy I received felt rather like it was a chore or burden to make my birthday special. But this year, I was with my mini-me, who also loves birthdays and gets excited about the celebration. My energy was received, and matched. The day was perfect and I felt truly celebrated and loved in each encounter I had with others.

So, this birthday felt extra meaningful and special. And that energy kind of spread through my mind and body, making me believe this year will be extra meaningful and special.

And it’s also just so incredibly heavy. It feels like every day, there’s a new awful story that I’m hearing from either my friends dealing with huge, scary, frustrating problems or from strangers on my phone, talking about the tragedies in our communities and the shocking news of what is happening around our country.

Which leads me to being absolutely forced to learn how to live with duality. I’ve never been able to process conflicting emotions at the same time. I live in the black and white. I live in clarity. I absolutely detest confusion and have no tolerance for the gray areas. I’m either feeling happiness or sadness – never both. How does that even work??

Well, there’s no choice now but to figure it out. And I am. I haven’t yet watched the movie Everything Everywhere All at Once but, man, that title is like the title of my life right now. I feel everything constantly. And it makes me feel crazy, to be perfectly honest. I feel happy while also feeling intense anger inside of me. I feel chronic sadness and also feel a deep void and nothingness within. I feel like I walk along a fine line between sanity and utter collapse most days, all with a smile on my face. And apparently, feeling a variety of emotions at the same time is not only normal, it’s healthy! So, I’m learning how to grieve, heal, and feel through each day, while trying to function as a mom, a creative, a business owner, a friend…

It’s exhausting.

And some days, I don’t manage it well. And other days, I make it my job to distract myself from everything I’m thinking and feeling because I just cannot. And then, there are the days where I somehow manage to process a tiny fraction of my emotions. I know there’s a long road ahead of me still. And not being able to process out loud is difficult for me, as I am a verbal processor. So, everything just kind of stays jumbled and a mess.

But I’m finally making peace with that. I’m a mess and it isn’t surprising, given my story. So, I’m learning to give myself grace to feel everything, and nothing, all at once.