Category: love

life, love

Love in this life?

A Graceful Catastrophe

On Feb. 28, 2021, I wrote a blog by this title, minus the question mark. I’ve lived a bit more life since I wrote that hopeful little piece and the way I think of love has changed once again.

At that point in my life, I always thought of love in a romantic sense. With a forever partner. And I always thought that that specific kind of love had evaded me, since I always seemed to have problems with romantic love.

What I have since discovered is that I actually have experienced that rich, beautiful, loyal, unconditional love I had always been chasing and felt I’d never received because, well, the choices I made in men and the choices those men made. I had just been looking for it in the wrong places and ignoring the love that I had been cloaked in for years.

That darling, special love is the love I experience with my closest friends. They’re always judgment free zones, they ask questions and push me to be a better version of myself, they’re my biggest cheerleaders, and the ones that support me unconditionally. I was so focused on romantic love and felt its absence soooo intensely that I completely ignored the greatest love of all.

My closest friends have witnessed pretty much all the versions of me and have never once done anything other than celebrate each me that’s ever existed. I’ve never been too much for them and I’ve never had to shrink myself for them. Their words have been writing me love letters for decades and their actions have backed up each and every one of their sentences.

Now, when I hear a love song on the radio, I think of the friendships I have in abundance, those people who define what love truly is and how it is supposed to feel. They know how to love me, how to support me, and how to encourage me. When I go silent and retreat because life is just too heavy to be able to lift the weight from me, they patiently wait for me. And when I come back, they welcome me back as though I’d never gone missing and no beats were skipped.

True love is sitting with my bestie in her living room while we’re each on our phones doing our own thing because simply breathing the same air and sharing the same space is enough. She demands nothing from me, and I return that same sentiment. True love is knowing how much music and lyrics touch my heart and receiving a random song on a random day, because my bestie thought of me. True love is showing up for an event for my bestie and barely even talking to her because she’s busy hosting, yet we still feel the love between one another, without a single spoken word.

True love is listening to my drama and asking me questions and leaning in with curiosity and when I say that I just don’t know and lack understanding and clarity, they say that’s okay and remind me it’s a normal space to be in, all while being free of judgments and their opinions.

I have experienced an abundance of true love in this life. It’s always been there, I just didn’t realize it was defined in this way. Once I shifted and started listening to love songs through the lens of friendship, I practically melted.

Love in this life? Yeah, I have it. Wholly, deeply, completely. And, man, am I lucky.

life, love

Love in this Life

A Graceful Catastrophe

“Sometimes you get the love you want, sometimes you get the love you need.”

-Author Unknown, found on a wall inside Inxpot, Keystone, CO

Maybe love isn’t what this hopeless romantic had always thought it was. I grew up with this vision of what true love looked like, and, of course, it was shaped by love stories I devoured in both novels and movies. I wanted to be swept off my feet by somebody who just understood exactly how to make me happy and speak to my heart the moment he looked into my eyes. If he’s my soulmate, shouldn’t he already know everything about me? Shouldn’t it be that he’d never hurt me? Wouldn’t it be eternal bliss, every second that ticked by after meeting him?

I honestly believed that incredibly unrealistic version of true love. Damn those love stories, creating a world that’s honestly only fit for fantasy. And poor guy who would ever fall in love with me – what kinds of shit expectations are those?!

A friend told me last week, after reading my last blog, laced with words born from pain and jaded discontent, that she thought love between two people was far more like two circles, separate at first, slowly coming closer together until they begin to overlap.

Over the past week, after thinking, processing, mulling things over, journaling, and talking with others, I’ve decided that I did, in fact, have it all wrong.

True love is when the other person understands they’ve hurt you and they break down in the middle of a very public place because they’re overwhelmed by the understanding of the extent of that hurt.

True love is not only understanding how the other needs to be treated in order to feel love, but actually leaving their comfort zone and putting in the intention and effort to make sure the other feels loved in their own language.

True love is thinking of the other first, and sometimes even sacrificing to put their happiness above your own.

True love is including the other into your own world, shedding walls and baggage, in order to be completely raw and vulnerable – which is probably the most terrifying thing in the world to do.

My soulmate is the one willing to put in the work. The one who decides to study me like I am a course he wants to ace.

This. This is true love. It takes work. And ever so much understanding. And grace. And, did I mention work? It isn’t easy. It isn’t effortless. And to have that expectation is foolish. And then it leads to frustration and disappointment.

The better you understand how someone ticks, the better you can love them. And that is the true beauty of love, I think. To see my partner mold to my needs because he’s learned who I am, and how I am…that’s a thing of beauty.

Soulmates decide to grow together, to lean in on one another. It isn’t that one will never hurt the other, but that when they do, it’s seen as an opportunity to deepen the love. It’s a lesson then learned, where layers of old pain can be shed, and the soul is bared.

Love is realizing you want to be so transparent that your partner is capable of seeing all of you – the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly – and you don’t run away from that, despite how scary it is, because you know you can trust them with every bit of you, past, present, and future.

Soulmates don’t give up on each other. True love doesn’t turn away from each other. No matter how ugly it gets. Because these types of partners consistently choose one another and understand that together, they can conquer any challenge.

I’ve weathered quite the storms in my life – and again rode some rocky waves quite recently that once again left me jaded. I’ve waited to receive the love I’d always hoped I’d one day feel, and honestly had begun to lose hope it could exist.

And you know, perhaps the love I’d always dreamed of having, that effortless and immediate love I thought could exist, is actually best left for the fairytales. This may not be the love I’d always wanted, but maybe that’s because this is the love I’ve always needed.

Inxpot, Keystone, CO

life, love

I Am a Leaf

A Graceful Catastrophe

Picture a warm, breezy summer day. The trees are fully bloomed, leaves in various shades of green adorning the branches. Everything is bright, joyful, and very much alive. Then, a gust of wind picks up and just catches one of the leaves right, detaching it from its home. It gets caught in the blowing wind, and floats along in the sky, playing with the breeze as it glides this way and that.

That leaf is me.

I am bright, joyful, and very much alive. Yet, I do not pretend to understand the direction I am heading. My path is unclear and it feels as though the minute I start to settle in and enjoy the view from this angle, a gust of wind comes out of nowhere and shoves me elsewhere.

Somedays, it brings me peace to picture myself as this leaf, floating from here to there and enjoying the view as I go. It feels somewhat natural, now, to embrace the uncertainty.

But these last few days, I’ve wanted to snatch that damn leaf out of the sky and stuff it under a rock. I’m so sick and tired of getting shoved just when I start to feel like I understand my place in this life.

Things make sense. And then they don’t. And everything feels like it’s turning upside down once again. It’s becoming increasingly frustrating. Nothing makes sense.

I was talking with a close friend a couple weeks ago and she reminded me of something I’d been told ages ago by someone I trusted and respected and had proven herself as someone worthy of giving sage advice.

I am not meant to experience true, lasting, romantic love in this life. I won't be with my soulmate - that isn't what this life is for. This life, the one where I'm a stupid leaf, at the universe's mercy like a sick joke, is for lessons and growth.

I’m over it. I’m sick of the lessons. I’m sick of the sorrow that accompanies lost love. I’m sick of starting over. I’m sick of not feeling the beautiful reciprocity of the love that I put out into the world (romantic love, that is. I’ve got friendship and familial love down solid, thankfully). I’m sick of being so naïve as to believe that karma exists, that the good I put out will be received tenfold.

I honestly no longer believe in true, lasting love. I don’t think it exists for me, nor will it. I stopped believing in it a couple years ago, had a moment where maybe I could be convinced it was a thing, then the damn wind sent me tumbling again. There’s something that’ll be good enough, I guess, where the heart feels it to be sufficient. But what that wise woman said must be true, as my history and present proves it time and again. I won’t have my soulmate, I won’t feel loved in the way I so desire.

And, because I am a leaf, and there’s a bigger picture offering me perspective, I give in. I’ll accept the love that I am given, while I ache for something greater, because the ache will be a part of me, regardless of who I am with or where I am at or which path I get shoved to next.

The ache is the lesson. And this is my journey. So I willingly submit.

life, love

Foolish Notions

A Graceful Catastrophe

Do you ever have moments that cause you to just stop, dead in your tracks, goose bumps covering your body as your blood runs cold, and you ask yourself, “What in the hell am I doing?”

Goodness, I hope that isn’t just me.

That literally just happened and I was suddenly overwhelmed with a need to write.

The last few months have once again given me an opportunity to learn how to let go of any false sense of control that I thought I had.

It’s quite interesting, what March 17th has represented for two years in a row now. Last year, on the evening of March 17th, I received information that thoroughly rocked my personal world and threw me off the path I was on. In hindsight, I am incredibly grateful for that shove. This year, on March 17th, quarantine began for me. It was my last morning at the gym, the last week I worked a full week, and the beginning of another push off the path that I thought I was happy to be traveling on, though this time it was professionally that I was knocked off kilter.

I suppose the universe always knows better and guides us towards our truest destiny, regardless of what we think our path should be. Trust the process, right?

But that’s so hard! Because, inherently, we just want to believe we control our destinies. That we can fight the inevitable. But eventually, what is supposed to be will be. The energies align how they must and we are at their mercy.

The sooner we can grasp that, and understand that we really have no control, the happier and more free we can feel.

Though, let me back up, because I’m about to contradict myself. We do have control over one incredibly significant thing – our own mindset.

Last week, my boyfriend asked me if I’d forgiven my ex yet, for what transpired over the last year of our marriage. I actually hadn’t thought about it – had I formally forgiven him? I understand that forgiveness is for oneself, otherwise the toxicity of holding on to that pain and hurt consumes you and hinders your ability to experience true, uncompromised happiness.

Logically, I understand that. Emotionally, however, my first thought was, “Has he ever really apologized to me for what occurred?” I don’t remember receiving a sincere and genuine apology. So, I kept thinking…the pause extending into the arena of discomfort for my boyfriend, who began to wonder if perhaps he shouldn’t have asked the question. But that wasn’t why I hesitated in responding. I wanted to think through my thoughts and feelings surrounding the question. I wanted to be thorough in my space before speaking it aloud.

The thing is, I suppose I had forgiven him.

There are some interesting similarities between my boyfriend and my ex husband. Through many, many discussions with my boyfriend, who is essentially an outsider, I was able to obtain closure with my ex. I was able to forgive him.

I used to fully believe that I had control over my life. I could make choices and would then experience the outcome that I’d wanted.

After both of these St. Patrick’s days, I’ve learned that I can only control so much. Honestly, I’m sick of trying to plan and achieve my desired outcome, fighting to make things happen – or not happen. It’s so much more fulfilling and freeing to simply let go. Everything occurs that is supposed to anyway, so why fight so hard?

My boyfriend and my ex met a couple weeks ago. We’d planned for him to arrive at my house at a certain time so we could go together to my ex’s home and there’d be plenty of time for a decent chat. I was insanely nervous and wanted everything to go smoothly. I wanted my ex to like this man, who’d surely become a significant role model in my daughter’s life. And then, after a number of factors, my boyfriend found himself running terribly late. Unbeknownst to him, this is one of my ex’s triggers. He absolutely abhors tardiness. He was furious and texting me all sorts of irritated comments. Control. He was controlling the situation (or so he thought) and then, my boyfriend’s appearance occurred beyond his control. Late, as a matter of fact.

When we finally arrived, he lectured my boyfriend as I sat there, uncomfortable, sitting in between the man I now love and the man I once loved. These meetings are not for the faint of heart. Ultimately, they found a common ground – in me. I’ll always have love for my ex-husband, as he is a significant part of not only my history, but also my present and my future, thanks to my daughter. And my ex will always have love for me and will always feel the need to protect me, as I am the mother of his child. My boyfriend loves me and has that same desire to protect me (perhaps that is ingrained in men? The desire to protect their people?). Regardless, these two men found a common thread, which pretty quickly, united them.

They began chatting about me, both eager to work together to protect me, laughing about bonding over going on an adventure together to seek out those that have hurt me long before. Also, my boyfriend made it clear he was not in my daughter’s life to replace him and be the new daddy, rather more to just add a layer of love and support for her. He was there, to stand alongside my ex-husband, to make sure no harm comes to either myself or my daughter. They drank their favorite drink (yes, it’s the same) and came to a common ground.

This would not have been able to happen if any of us tried to control the situation. It unfolded naturally and rather pleasantly, overall. It was also inevitable that my boyfriend would become a part of my daughter’s life, as he is now a significant part of mine, so my ex’s willingness to meet him made it all flow easily.

We all know that life can change in mere seconds and everything we hoped for, planned for, and/or worked for can all shatter in a blink. And, we all know that we can recover. We can experience something so catastrophic that the ability to breathe becomes the only focus because even that is far too difficult to accomplish without concentration. And then, ever so slowly and over time, you discover your strength and just how resilient you are. You survive, then adapt, and finally, thrive.

But in order to thrive, truly and wholly, you must forgive. I’ve forgiven myself, for being a pretty terrible wife and playing my part in the catastrophic decisions my ex made. And I’ve forgiven my ex for making them.

Hurt people hurt people. And man, does my ex hurt.

I do not want to hurt anyone. Ever again. So, my pain must be processed. True and abundant forgiveness must be given. There is no longer any toxicity within, I harbor no pain from anything along my path that I have encountered. My wounds have healed and scars have formed. My pain brought me to my present and it’s now a pretty incredible place to live. My bucket is patched, I’m filled with self-love, compassion, understanding, and am thrilled to say, pure happiness.

I no longer have any desire to control anything or anyone and have finally mastered the enlightened acceptance that life just is. I will always work hard, of course, and I’m a dreamer, so my eyes will always be wide with wonder. But as roadblocks come up, as March 17ths continue to come along throughout the year, though I may have a short cry, I’ll never linger in despair. “Nothing is as bad as it seems or as good as it feels.”

It just is.

And to think we have any control over anything is not only the most foolish notion of all, it inhibits our ability to pursue the one thing we all deserve – true happiness.

life, love

Cliffhanger

A Graceful Catastrophe

My mind is buzzing, electrified. I can picture my thoughts as these tiny, wee, little blobs with legs, jumping from neuron to neuron, laughing in delight. Mocking me.

I can’t catch one, though. I feel like I have to write, like I have to get out what’s in my head, but I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I’m supposed to write about. My thoughts are taunting me, skating about on the edge of consciousness.

Perhaps that is exactly where I should begin. On the edge.

You see, we’re on the edge right now, ready to dive into the new year. I’m on the edge, too, ready to dive into 39 (which my friend happily reminded me is actually the beginning of my 40th year. Gee, thanks for that clarification. *facepalm*)

And yet, this edge that I’m precariously (this word can mean a great deal of things, so I figured I’d include a synonym for how I’m choosing to use it in this sentence: daringly) balanced upon feels more stable than anywhere I’ve been standing at any point during all of my adulthood.

As I look around at my life, both figuratively and literally, I see that no matter which direction I choose to step off this edge, I’m going to fall into something unbelievably marvelous. And how do I know this? Because I am the one captaining the ship. I am wholly and completely in charge of all aspects of my success and happiness, in regards to my daughter, friends, work, love, or any other element of my life, both significant and inconsequential.

To finally understand this, to at long last possess this knowledge, is a gift. It’s a gift because I no longer live in fear – not of the future, not of falling in love, not of leaving my house after dark, and definitely not of being alone. Life should actually just be viewed as the greatest cliffhanger of all time – none of us know how anything will end, but it’s that uncertainty that makes it exciting (description of the word “cliffhanger’ taken from the Cambridge online dictionary).

Goodness, I truly do love living on the edge and in the space of the unknown! It’s absolutely bold, and perhaps a touch reckless, and surely not for everyone, but it just feels so free. I feel so free! For months and months, life felt heavy. I felt like the weight on my shoulders was so much that I’d never be able to rise again.

Today, I feel so light and free that I could almost float away. Almost. I’m still trying to remain grounded. I have a vision of where my life will be in 2 years. And, boy, does it ever excite me. Sure, it’ll probably change 2,034 more times in the next 24 months. And you know what? That is totally and completely okay.

I welcome change and bumps in my path along the way. They all serve a purpose, and I get the opportunity to grow from them. I do not fear pain. I will never again avoid something – whether it’s feelings or a physical act of doing something – because I’m afraid. I’m not scared of adversity. I have scars that mark all the aches and, let’s be real, moments of utter agony, that I’ve experienced. Those scars, though…I now see they simply add to my internal beauty. Scars that I wouldn’t hide for anything because they’ve made me everything I am in this moment. And I am no longer somebody who hides away.

You see, over these last months, I’ve been hurt. A few times. There are fresh scars.

But the thing is, when you’ve been shattered, pain becomes relative. You understand it will always be there. There will always be new opportunities for life to dish out pain. And yet, nothing will ever hurt you like the time when catastrophe struck and rocked you to your core.

You become bulletproofed, in a way.

Here’s the thing, which really is quite magical now, nobody will ever offer me the same profoundly deep wound that the father of my child delivered. The level of hurt that occurs from the person who helped you create a family together, when he cast the final blow, thereby destroying it, will be unparalleled for the rest of my life.

So for him, and for that, I am grateful. Because I can now live free. I can allow myself to be as vulnerable as I want because no matter what discomfort occurs along the way, I know I will come out on the other side stronger than I was before. And I have no doubt because I’ve come back from much, much worse.

The coolest thing about where I’m at though? It’s that I’m done begging. I seek understanding, of course. But I’m not going to beg somebody to see me. I see me. And if you aren’t in the position to, I fully understand that isn’t about me. Because I no longer question my worth. I know I’m enough.

The right people will see that in me, also. And it’ll take no convincing. They’ll just know. The relationship will be effortless. My friendships feel this way. And someday a romantic relationship will, too.

I’m no longer in the position where I have to try to jam square pegs in round holes. My outlook on life has completely changed…

Oh! Just listen to this for a moment! You know what’s incredibly interesting? I took a personality test recently and when I got the results at the end, I had the option to email them to myself. When I input my email address, I received a notification that I already had an account. Hmm, I suppose at some point in my past, I took the same test! Well! As a sucker for data, I quickly figured out how to log into my old account and found my previous results.

And then my mind was blown. My personality has actually completely changed. The first time I took the test, at some point during my married past, I was classified as an introvert. This time, though? I classified as an extrovert. I had already felt that change within but to see it in black and white was seriously deep. I live out loud now. My whole approach to life has undergone a 180.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? The way we choose to look at things defines everything. I feel my energy. I know I’m glowing. And it’s been a mere 9 months and 9 days since everything in my world ceased to exist as I knew it. The growth has been exponential.

So, bring it on. Life is an adventure and I’m here to live it fully and authentically, no matter what that means. My decisions may cause some discomfort, and even downright annoyance, to those who care about me, and I appreciate their beautiful and logical minds. For me, though, in order to live the authentic life I so desire, my heart will always prevail.

At any cost.

Which is why my next blog will be written once I’ve arrived in Ouray, after driving through a snowstorm at midnight to get there. In my front wheel drive Mini Cooper. And honestly, I’m super excited about that adventure.

I will not shy away from something I want because the road to it has the potential to be a little precarious…even risky.

I’m here to chase my heart’s desires and live on the edge. Daring. Real. Full of life and adventure. I may not have a clue how anything will end but, to me, there’s no other way to truly live with authenticity. And I’m here to live a very authentic life.

life, love

The Gift of All Gifts

A Graceful Catastrophe

I’m not entirely certain how I feel. How I’m supposed to feel. I suppose the best way to describe it would be rather like the sky appears, shortly after the storm passes. It’s still a bit gray, perhaps with patches of darkness, but you can clearly see the silver lining amongst the clouds. And then, there are those seemingly enchanted areas, where the sun’s rays sneak through a break in the clouds, streaming unbroken all the way to the earth below.

That comes close to putting into words how I feel inside.

The other feeling I get, though, is emptiness. Hollow. There’s a distinct feeling that something is missing.

December is ordinarily my favorite month of the year. This December has been both surprisingly wonderful and disappointingly inadequate.

That, too, seems to describe life, in general, these days.

It’s 1:46 am, Christmas morning. Thankfully, my daughter is older, and will likely sleep in until around 7, and I may even get to take a Christmas day nap later on when she goes to her dad’s house. Sleep teases me tonight. I currently have no desire for it.

There are just far too many conflicting thoughts swirling around for me to find the peace necessary for sleep. For relaxation. Much like the post-storm sky, there are patches of dark and stretches of light, tangled within.

Tonight, while I was wrapping presents, my brother and his girlfriend kept me company and helped me wrap. My brother made a comment about last Christmas, and how my ex and I behaved towards one another. It was not a sweet memory. We were not happy, and it was apparent. At this point, he’d been cheating on me, unbeknownst to me, for at least the previous 7 months, most likely longer. I felt a strain in our marriage, as I had for years. So, I wanted to make Christmas extra special. My gifts to him were thoughtful and had taken months of coordination and behind-the-scenes work.

I was so excited for him to open his gifts. I remember being giddy with the anticipation.

And then I opened my gifts. He’d gotten me a variety of things from my alma mater. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love sporting gear from my alma mater. However, it was obvious that there was little thought that went into my gifts. No care. No love. Just a quick visit to a website and a few clicks later, everything was ordered. It’s funny, how the same type of gift can be received in wildly different ways. You see, I received a gift of a pair of socks representing my alma mater from a wonderful, dear new friend just last week. That gift was thoughtful and makes me smile right now as I recall the care that went into not only choosing the gift, but also in how it was presented to me. Same type of gift, significantly different message.

And here’s why.

My ex and I were together about 11 years. At that point, I’d think he’d understand me at a depth that went beyond gear from my alma mater. That’s simple. Obvious. So obvious that someone who’s known me for less than a month could gift it to me, knowing it’d make me smile.

So that’s it. That was an easy gift for my ex to give. Simple. A no-brainer. You only have to know me at a superficial level in order to know that’d please me. There was no depth to those gifts.

But why should there have been? There was no depth to our relationship. There was no care or concern for it, either. My brother’s remark about his memory from last year made that clear.

Which is why it’s better that it ended. I have an opportunity to have a real relationship. One filled with genuine love. One with depth and authenticity. Commitment. Not only commitment to one another, but to lifting one another up and encouraging growth. Someone who will push me to be the best version of myself, rather than the worst. Someone who understands my drive to be better tomorrow than who I was today. And repeat that. Everyday.

I guess what I’m processing here is that tomorrow (today?) represents so much more than just the gifts. It’s about the thought that goes into them. It’s about knowing someone so well that you know how to touch their hearts through something tangible. Now, I totally blew it with my dad this year. I knew what I was going to get him. My daughter and I had talked about it weeks ago. We ran out of time that day to go get it, so I placed it on my mental checklist. Guess who realized, while wrapping tonight, that just because you think you did something doesn’t actually mean you did it. *facepalm* My dad deserves the world be given to him and I couldn’t even remember to get him this one, tiny little thing. Ugh….

Everyone’s gift (even my dad’s invisible one), was decided upon after much thought. My ex couldn’t give me that gift last year – thoughtfulness. I remember the feeling, too, as I opened the gifts from him. While I was grateful for the gear, I remember feeling hurt that such little time and effort went into the gifts he’d chosen for me. He didn’t know me beyond the superficial. And the evidence was displayed all over the place, and reinforced with each present I unwrapped.

So, overall, this place that I’m in…I know it’s good. I know we weren’t happy. And I truly am grateful for the infidelity. And for the months of deceit. And for each and every single layer of betrayal he gifted me. Everything he was became the catalyst for who I am today.

Today, I not only understand myself better than ever before, I have a different perspective on others. I try to be more compassionate and understanding. I try to be more intentional and present (this one is still so hard for me). I try to be everything I wasn’t in my marriage. Because I am fully aware of what happens when everyone becomes complacent, bitter, and sad. When the only things you choose to see are the challenges and negatives. When your focus lands upon all the ways someone lives under expectation.

While I will never take responsibility for his infidelity, or for him choosing to spend $70 each month on a website dedicated to help married people cheat…or for his role in the demise of our relationship, I do understand my part in all of it.

I will take responsibility for my role in the demise of our relationship. I sucked as a wife. Period. No excuses as to why I sucked. There’s no justification in being a crappy human. And because I now have the privilege of hindsight and self-reflection, I’ll never be her again.

When you know better, you do better.

And every single day that passes, I know better than I did the previous day. There’s no going backwards. There’s no desire to have any sort of relationship with my ex anymore. He is someone who I am forever tied to because of my daughter and at the same time, is just someone I used to know. He doesn’t know who I am anymore. Honestly, though? He stopped knowing me a long time ago. Really, even long before he decided to put more effort into knowing other people’s wives over dinners and bottles of wine than he did into me. Our connection failed years and years ago. And we did nothing, really, to mend it back together.

Perhaps that is what this hollow feeling is? A desire for that connection. To have “my person.” To know, without any type of hesitation, that there will be someone by my side, no matter where life may take us. To have someone choose me in a way I’ve never been chosen before.

You know what’s interesting? I know now that I’m enough. I love myself deeply. I understand exactly who I am and what value I bring to relationships.

I just want someone else to see my value and understand that their life would never be the same without me in it.

Now that would be the gift of all gifts, I think. Because you know what that is? Unconditional love. And that was what I was robbed of the second my ex decided to cheat. His love was conditional, and therefore, empty.

Which has left a piece of me empty.

Now that all my shattered bits have been meticulously pieced back together, the gap that has been left behind is more apparent than ever. I surely do not need anyone outside of my community of friends and family. They fill virtually every bit of my being with love. There’s just one void.

And I’m ready for it to be filled.

So, now I understand how I feel. Christmastime represents love. Joy. Family time. I’m lucky enough to have family and friends. To have my daughter. To have a house that will be filled with love and laughter again tomorrow. And I am ever so grateful for all the things I have. My heart is full. Mostly. But I feel the loss that accompanies the love this year. It almost feels like a spotlight is shining straight into the hole. The awareness of that missing piece highlights the gloom in the sky, overshadowing the silver lining.

So now that it is after 3 in the morning (3:55, to be exact), with awareness and intentionality, I will move the spotlight away from that void. And shine my light on the love that does exist, in abundance, all around me.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May you focus on the beauty and richness that fills your life everyday, but especially today. Love is a gift. Time with those that love us is invaluable. Enjoy this new, precious day, and fill it with radiant, thoughtful, and unconditional love. Even to those, no, especially to those, that have hurt you. Because they probably need it the most today.

life, love

What is to Come?

A Graceful Catastrophe

I fell in love.

Yep. There it is.

I’ve been open and honest about the vast array of complicated emotions that have filled my life over the last 9 months and for some reason, sharing the negativity in my life wasn’t ever that difficult for me to do. We all have our own challenging journeys we have to navigate around and throughout these months, I have always known someone who was trying to trudge through much deeper and smellier shit than I was. So, somehow, it was just natural for me to write about mine. It’s always been cathartic.

This blog, though, is different. And the same. I will still be vulnerable and raw – I’ll just be telling a different type of story.

You see, this one is about love.

When everything exploded in my world, I stopped believing in romantic love. How could someone with two failed marriages possibly believe that true love exists? The answer is simple – she couldn’t.

I told my girlfriends that I’d never love again. Fairy tales aren’t real. Love like that surely doesn’t exist. I’ll never be swept off my feet by some Prince Charming. My heart was hardened. I didn’t want to feel love again. Because then, I’d inevitably have to feel that excruciating pain again. And I sure as shit never wanted to shatter again. There’s only so many times you can break before it’s a lost cause.

Or so I thought.

But in the end, I was wrong.

Because I did fall in love. And yet, I didn’t experience excruciating pain when it ended. And I surely didn’t shatter.

And yes, those of you who follow me and read these blogs, you know I fell in love with myself while in Greece.

But I’m talking about before that.

I’ve written from my heart – and with my heart – since I started this writing journey. I’ve been raw, honest, and vulnerable.

But, for some reason, writing about love is so much harder for me. Perhaps it’s because it’s the purest of emotions? Perhaps it’s because it hasn’t even been a year since finding out about my ex’s infidelity? Perhaps it’s because I hear so many people tell me that I can’t, shouldn’t, they wouldn’t…the list goes on. *sigh*

Yet, here I am, my heart racing with nerves as I write this, because love is probably the most intense topic I’ve written about to date. For me, it really is the hardest.

So, thank you. Thank you for reading, for supporting, for commenting, and encouraging, because I’m finally ready to write about love.

I gave my heart to a truly a wonderful man. A man who also happened to be completely emotionally unavailable for me. It was always going to be a dead-end relationship. Dead-end for many reasons.

But…you know what I realized this morning when I woke up?

I fell in love with this guy before I fell in love with myself.

That doesn’t work. It just doesn’t.

You can’t expect someone else to fill your bucket when it’s riddled with holes. I had that epiphany while in Greece and immediately went to work, patching up my holes.

And when I came back from Greece, my path had cleared. He’d fallen for someone else while I was away. It was always going to end and the timing felt right. I’d felt him pulling away for at least the last month we were “together,” so I knew it was coming.

And you know what? I’m happy for him. That’s how I know it was really love that I felt for him. His happiness, his ability to pursue his dreams and settle into the life he’d always imagined, that’s all more important than my momentary sadness at it ending. And since we’re both mature adults, we ended on excellent terms.

Plus…I had this, umm, I don’t even know what to call it other than a magical experience at Byzantino. This is the jewelry store I referenced in my blog: Today is Thursday and where I bought my ring made of old watch parts.

So, quick summary in case you missed that one… While I was in Greece, I went to a super special jewelry store. The women there were beautiful beings, filled with love that they projected onto me. We spent a fair amount of time chatting with one another and I shared my story with them. This was my last day in Greece and I had already undergone an incredible transformation. While we were chatting, one of the women told me things that she saw for my future. My daughter’s, as well. The energy in that little store was so intense while she was speaking and you could literally feel the power behind every word she spoke. It was a moment that has become etched into my very soul.

After purchasing my things, and before I walked out of the store, this same woman approached me with a gift. It was a glass blown heart pendant. As the other woman that worked there was placing it around my neck, she looked me straight in the eyes and began to speak to me about love. She told me that I was going to be blessed with love greater than I had ever experienced before, love that I barely could imagine exists, love that I had ceased to believe was real.

As she spoke these words, I felt my hair go up and had chills all over my body. It was an incredibly intense moment for me where…can you guess what happened? Of course. I cried. It was so intense for me because, with every cell in my being, I believed her. And I knew she wasn’t talking about anyone that was currently in my life.

Somebody else was out there for me. Hoping to feel love like he’d never been loved before. Looking up at the same stars and wishing for the same things as me. A fellow hopeless romantic who would yearn to understand me – all of me. Somebody who would want to hear my stories, feel my history, and use that to understand why I am who I am today. And, more importantly, (now here’s the kicker…) somebody who will choose to make time in his life for me.

My ex didn’t. He couldn’t put his phone down and couldn’t even pretend to care about anything I had to say. And the guy I was seeing, well, in his defense, his career is intense. He rarely has his phone on him during the day. Even so, there were ways he could’ve shown me that I was valued, had he chosen to try, rather than be satisfied having me as a mere convenience in his life. But he chose not to try.

And because of who I was then, because of the lack of love I had for myself, I allowed that type of treatment. I’ve said it before: how could I expect another to value me more than I valued myself?

But in Greece, I shifted. My path shifted. My whole universe shifted, guys! I felt it. Literally. Physically. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling, but people have told me, since coming home, that I look different. And I feel it. My whole aura is bright and light. So, yeah, there’s somebody out there who will match so perfectly with that, that when our paths align, I wouldn’t have to guess my importance in his life. Or hope for it. It’d just be. Effortless. But in the best of ways.

In that moment, in Athens, as I walked out of that jewelry store, my whole world was this new, magical place to live. As I left the little store that was the final piece to my soul’s puzzle, smiling and practically floating along, I fully opened my soul to the universe. My energy was changed. My heart was fully opened. I had learned in the previous month or two that I was capable of loving another. That was a pleasant surprise. I also had learned what made me feel uncomfortable in a relationship. What bags I could help carry and what ones I’d let the other unpack before deciding to join him on his journey. For weeks, I had been thinking I should let the guy go that I was seeing…and then he let me go.

“Trust the journey.” That’s what I kept telling myself in those early days. Over and over. I came home from Greece 3 weeks ago yesterday and, boy, did I struggle with getting my mindset right. It was a fight to be present – I didn’t want to be here. I wanted, desperately, to be back in Greece. So, one night, when I was feeling particularly melancholy, I wrote my photographer friend on Instagram – the one I’d just spent 6 days with in Greece. We’d talked a lot, both before my trip and also so much during my trip. He knew me well by this point and was quite familiar with my story. Here’s a bit of our conversation:

Me: B, I just want to experience all of Earth’s beauty. Greece opened my eyes to so much… And when I say “Greece” opened my eyes, a great deal of that was you. You are such a caring person. Genuine. I want someone in my life who cares like you do. And, man, did we laugh so easily! I want that, too. You set a bar, for a future relationship of how I want to be treated. You opened my eyes to so much more than photography. I’m really grateful for you, for the whole trip, for all the laughter…for everything.
B: No! This is normal. If you respect yourself, you respect others in the same way and I’m pretty sure that you’ll find someone who will care about you… I mean, for real this time. Believe it or not, everyone takes what he/she deserves to have in this life. It’s up to you to live the life that you want. Nothing beats a strong mindset. Everything else is just the result of this.

He repeated exactly what I’d been telling myself. Someone is only going to value, love, respect, (you fill in the blank) me as much as I do myself. I’ll get exactly what I think I deserve and nothing more. I know this now. And I know me now. And I love me! And I just know that somebody is going to see this light that I’m projecting like it’s a damn lighthouse and want to see what it’s all about.

The lady in the jewelry store was absolutely right. I will be loved again. And it’s going to feel out of this world incredible. And I know I deserve that. Because not only am I in a space that is open to being emotionally vulnerable, I also respect and value myself in such a beautiful way now. I’m comfortable being alone. Actually, I rather enjoy it. And I can find comfort in being uncomfortable. And the best feeling? I no longer rely on any outsider to define my worth. I define it.

So, when my path aligns with another, it will be as a sweet addition to my life, not a necessary one. I’ve never been in a position where I’ve felt that to be true. Goodness, it feels amazing.

It’s all quite delightful…this journey I am on. My path has never been clearer. I’ve never felt lighter or more sure of who I am. There’s 15 more days until my birthday and 16 until the last day of this decade. I’m ready to close it down and happily bid it farewell. A lot of incredible things happened in this decade. I’m quite honestly grateful for it all. Even March 17th, 2019. Maybe even especially March 17th, 2019.

And I’m so hopeful for what is to come.

life, love

Eyes Wide Open

A Graceful Catastrophe

Since I’ve come home from Greece, I have felt unsettled. Apathetic. No desire to be here. Last night, a shift occurred. I’m starting to get my mindset right again. It started in the afternoon, when I had an appointment to get my lashes refilled by my dear friend (self-care people, it’s a thing!). She’s fallen off the exercise wagon and wants to get back on it. I’ve been eating (and drinking) my feelings for a solid 2 weeks and am up more pounds than I’d like to admit. We made a plan to be one another’s accountability partners. So, now I have to care. I am her support system.

That’s one.

My business brings me so much true joy. I worked 7 days in a row this week – and enjoyed every second. I adore the families I work for and am grateful I get to spend my days laughing with my kids. “My kids.” Because my students all become “my kids.” I genuinely love them. And my families. They become my family. And I become theirs. I’m their advocates both in school and at home. I want to protect them and push them and see them flourish. And my heart swells with pride when they succeed. I’ve never had more satisfaction earning an income than I do now. It’s wonderful. I want to care. I am their support system.

That’s two.

Over the weekend, my daughter and I went to the movies. We saw Frozen 2. The amount of tears I shed during that movie should’ve left me dehydrated. Guys, those songs!! They were written for me. It’s like the writers lived inside my head. I swear it. Just read some of these lyrics:

  • “…deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? Every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow. Don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go… Into the unknown?”
  • “I don’t know anymore what is true, I can’t find my direction… Just do the next right thing. Take a step, step again. It is all that I can do to do…the next right thing.” 
  • “So I’ll walk through this night. Stumbling blindly toward the light. And do the next right thing.”
  • “I won’t look too far ahead. It’s too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath. This next step. This next choice is the one that I can make.”

Aren’t those lyrics just everything?

So, yeah. I cried. The. Whole. Movie. And my girl? Goodness, nobody understands how to love me better than her.

She just gets me! She’d look over at me every now and then, and notice the tears silently streaming down my face. Every single time, she just kissed my cheek, held me tighter, and rubbed my arm. She said nothing. Just gave a quick kiss, then went back to the movie, while holding me tight and always rubbing my arm. Once, she offered me a new napkin because mine was destroyed. She noticed. Another time, she offered me popcorn. Because…well, food. But she never made it a big deal. Just kissed my cheek and turned back to the movie.

Afterwards, she didn’t ask any questions. She just loved me. In her own way. Which happens to be my way, too. She is literally the best, most insightful human. And she’s 9. (I remember asking my ex once, “How does our daughter understand how to love me and you don’t?” I think she was 7 at the time… Oh, hindsight, you devil, you.) I care about her more than anything else in the world. I am her support system – and she is mine.

That’s three.

And guys, there are so many more reasons to get my mindset right. To spend my moments intentionally. To enjoy this life that I am living right now and in this space.

Maintaining a consistently focused and intentional mindset is challenging. Even exhausting, at times. It takes commitment, and then re-commitment. I haven’t been in a healthy place since I came back from Greece. My time there was incredibly powerful. It fundamentally changed me in so many ways. I became re-energized and filled with a radiance I hadn’t felt…well, perhaps ever.

And then I came home.

Where life just all of a sudden felt so unimpressive. After the soul-searching journey and re-awakening that had just taken place, I came home to feeling like everything was just a little “less.” I wanted, no – desired – with every cell of my being, to feel what I had in Greece. It was everything. It was magical. It was surreal. And yet, it was ever so incredibly real.

So, yeah, my mindset sucked. I still felt vibrant and more whole and filled with love (self-love, that is) than ever, but I was feeling so unfulfilled. I didn’t feel like this was enough anymore. I had this strangely overwhelming need to leave. After experiencing the significant transformation in Greece, I became wholly dissatisfied with this life.

It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t magical. Or surreal.

But only because I’d decided it wasn’t any of those things.

This world we live in is painted by our thoughts. So, if my thoughts are constantly telling me that this isn’t enough. That I want more. That more is out there…then what kind of world am I living in now???

Well, for a while, one where I was eating all my feelings and drinking every night. Disappointed with the world before me.

Until last night.

When I remembered that’s not who I am. Not anymore, at least. Emotions guide me, sure. But they don’t control me. And yet, I let them.

And then I made the decision to grow up. This is my life. I am here. And it is truly a wonderful life. So, I made the conscious decision to embrace everything that is in front of me, rather than pine away over what I couldn’t have.

So now, here, I honor my emotions. And I release them. And I remind myself that the journey is beautiful.

I’m a dreamer. I want to look ahead and turn my dreams into plans. And at the same time, I’ve never been more certain that those plans just don’t matter. Everything can change in the span of a breath.

And it does. It will. Time and time again. That’s part of the journey. But just like sweet Olaf said in the movie, there is one constant. One thing never changes. And that is love.

Loving another, being filled with real emotions, being vulnerable with another…that is living authentically. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Does it hurt when it ends? Yep. Of course. But feeling the depths of those beautiful emotions is never a waste of time. I’d do it all over again. I will do it all over again.

There’s something so graceful in living – and loving – uninhibited and feeling every single emotion that washes over you. There is beauty in pain. Because you get the opportunity to grow. And really, isn’t that just wonderful? I want to keep growing and changing and absorbing everything I can to make myself a better human every single day. And you can’t grow without being challenged.

So, bring it on, world. Challenge me. Hurt me, even. Because then, and only then, I grow stronger. My fire flames brighter. I become more colorful. And so does the world around me.

After my workout this morning, one of my friends from the gym asked me how I handled the grief after finding out what my ex had done. Did I eat and gain a ton of weight? With him, I didn’t. Because I just didn’t eat. I couldn’t. I was physically ill for a long time and couldn’t even look at food. With another “breakup” of sorts, though, all I’ve done is eat.

How we handle our grief varies not only from person to person, but from our own personal experiences, too. How we handle one transition may be completely different than how we handle another. No grief ever feels the same. How our hearts handle each ending is unique.

But no matter how we choose to handle it, it’s the right way. I told my friend to allow herself some grace. It’s so soon that every way she’s choosing to react is appropriate. The fact, though, that she’s beginning to question how she’s reacting means that she’s perhaps ready to change how she’s handling her grief.

It’s all fluid. How I was handling my sadness since arriving back stateside has shifted. Because I was ready for it to shift. I had my good, cathartic cry at Frozen 2, several great conversations with some girlfriends, focused in on the good of my world, and then found the ability to shift my mindset. I needed to re-frame my reality. And so I did. It took me 2 weeks to get there, but when I was ready, I shifted. I felt it internally. And I couldn’t have forced it. I had to ride that wave out until I finally landed in calmer waters.

They’re there, you know. The calm. Sometimes you have to weather an incredible storm, or a short torrential downpour, but when you’re ready to look up and through the gray, the break in the storm is just ahead of you.

You just have to be ready – and willing – to see it.

It’s beautiful. The world each of us lives in. It’s fulfilling. And exciting. And full of adventures. And love.

It’s all there. Right in front of each one of us… That is, once we decide to open our eyes to it and shift our perspectives to see the abundance.

So here I am. Again. Re-set. And enjoying the view. With eyes wide open.

And I hope you are, too.

life, love

Today is Thursday

A Graceful Catastrophe

Today I will eat a Greek salad. And perhaps a couple eggs… My biggest decision will be whether I scramble them or cook them over easy. And I’ll definitely drink some wine and Sprite. I made sure to buy two bottles of white wine to make sure I’d have enough to drink during lunch and dinner. And again at 3:34 because, I mean, why not? *shrug*

And I’ll spend the day, hopefully mostly content, solo, and editing my favorite pictures from Greece.

It should be a good Thursday.

I’ve been filled with gratitude since the moment I left for Greece and this full heart feeling hasn’t lessened even a little bit in the last 14 days. I don’t expect to need a day to show my gratitude. Not this year. Recently, I’ve been hyper-aware of all that I have in my life. Because everything I had changed just over 8 months ago. So, I’ve been given the beautiful gift of perspective. And with this perspective, intense gratitude for what I do have.

So, today is Thursday. A day to spend in more quiet reflection. Showing gratitude for my world as it is today. Aaaaaaaannnddd (I just can’t stop, Billy…) eating a delicious Greek salad, as a way to pay homage to what I am most grateful for today. My solo trip, the time spent in Greece, was life altering. If you knew me 10 months ago, and you still know me today, you’ll understand the intensity of my gratitude for what occurred last week.

It’s mind blowing, really. How that short period of time changed everything for me.

Time…it’s a funny thing.

  • Only time will tell.
  • Time heals all wounds.
  • In the nick of time.
  • Lost track of time.
  • Lasted an eternity.
  • Just a matter of time.
  • A waste of time.
  • Time flies.
  • The time of my life.
  • “Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” – Theophrastus

You get the point.

We have all these phrases and quotes about time, how we abuse it, how it heals, how all will be understood…in time.

Eight and a half months ago feels like an eternity. For me, it was quite literally a lifetime ago. I was married, though unhappily, and going to family dinner parties, doing couple-y things, and feeling lonelier than ever despite having a “partner” by my side.

Today, I am comfortable alone, confident in who I am. I have huge goals and even bigger plans. I am finally living this life for me.

Don’t get that last line wrong. It’s not selfish, though it sounds that way. The way I am choosing to spend my time today is giving my daughter a wonderful example of being adventurous while also living a disciplined life. She sees me making exercising a priority, she knows I write (and now we even sometimes write together, her, in awe of my fast clicking, as I type sentence after sentence, turning paragraphs into pages), and she is proud of me for facing my fears and traveling alone. She used to have so much fear and now she asks me if she may study abroad in middle school.

Everything I have ever done since I found out I was pregnant was with her in mind. For a while after I found out about my ex’s infidelity and the extent of the betrayal, I was simply in survival mode, and really thought about nothing other than how in the world I was going to take my next breath.

Now, though, enough time has passed. My heart has healed. As it turns out, my time in Greece was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to finally be at peace.

Before March of this year, the longest I was single since I was 17 (21 years ago!), was for about 4 months. I had been in a committed relationship for my entire adult life. Not only that, I’d been committed to two men who stifled my vivacity, my sparkle…even my sense of humor.

Guys, I never thought I was funny. I wasn’t the funny one.

In the last 4 or 5 months, do you know how many times I’ve made people laugh? Do you know how many times people have told me that I’m funny?! I don’t think there’s a better compliment for me. Well, right now, at least. My ex is the funny one. No, was the funny one. He’s loud and the center of any party. By his side, I was dull. I had no personality – unless I drank. I had to have alcoholic beverages simply to be comfortable in group settings when I was with him. Now, alone and away from him, and for so many reasons, I sparkle.

Ahh, guys! I am funny! (Sometimes it just hits me… This is really me. *laughing*)

This was a part of my personality that I didn’t even know existed. Seriously. And it’s now a pretty significant part of who I am, I think. I make people laugh. Do you know how good that feels? Only this time that I’ve had to myself was able to bring that out of me. There is so much to who I am today that didn’t exist 9 months ago.

Without this journey, my true self would’ve never been actualized. I would still be living day to day thinking I had no sense of humor or needing to have a drink in order to feel comfortable in my own skin. Ugh, how terribly sad is that?!

I’ve been single for 256 days now.

And I’ve finally reached a point where it feels so good to be “unattached.” My ex and I were texting yesterday, and he asked if I could take our daughter on his weekend so he could go on a couple dates. Well, I haven’t seen her in about a million years, so of course! And, I told him I’d take her any weekend of his that he wanted because I’m not dating and have no desire to anytime soon.

His response? “Well, you can’t live like that.”

Umm, yes I can! *laughing*

Is it our culture that creates this false narrative? We have to be in a relationship in order to be happy? Today, in this moment, I am happier than I have been in years. Perhaps even, in the entirety of my adulthood. And I’m single. Who would’ve thought I would ever be happy without having to rely on somebody else to validate me?? My whole world just feels like it blew wide open again. But this time, in such a good way.

I have goals to achieve. Huge goals. And a pretty strict timeline to hit them in. I don’t have the time to be with somebody, really. Especially one that doesn’t add value to my life and help me grow, pushing me to actualize all my potential. New relationships are hard. And they take time and effort to develop properly.

Time…it’s precious.

And I just found out who I am! I want to sit in this space and relish that for a moment. Happily alone.

But…I’m not really alone. I’m surrounded by the most wonderful community. I may be single, but I have never felt less alone. During my marriage…oof. That loneliness was the worst. I’d rather be single and have moments of loneliness than be in a “partnership” and feel lonely with someone who is right there by my side.

Which brings me to today. Thursday. Okay, it’s not just a normal Thursday. It’s Thanksgiving day. And I’m alone. But I’m not lonely.

I had many invitations to be with my friends. My community. Yet, I’m choosing to be in the quiet space of my house, appreciating the fact that I am alone.

I used to feel so uncomfortable being by myself. It was lonely. I needed the attention from others to make me feel like I was worthy of taking up space in this world.

My word, I was someone else entirely and it literally makes me sit here and shake my head to reflect on who I was compared to who I am.

Today, I am strong, capable, and enough. I am quite content in my own solitude. I don’t need to be around anyone else to feel happy.

Time gave me this gift.

Well, time, coupled with intensive counseling sessions with the most incredible therapist, a community of strong women and men who’ve always been there to lift me up, and traveling alone was the icing on the cake. I came back refreshed and re-energized.

I came back me.

Time itself is truly a gift. While in Greece, I stopped in this jewelry shop. I had read in a travel blog that this was the place to go and buy your jewelry. So, I navigated to it and when I walked in, there were only women working there. Strong, beautiful women. One of the women came up to me and started chatting with me about the different pieces of jewelry. When we came to the display case with rings that used watch mechanisms as the central focus, I knew immediately that was the piece I had to have.

My time in Greece was transformative. And this was my last day, my last 12 hours left in that beautiful country. I knew when I saw it, the symbolism was far too great to walk away from. A piece of jewelry made of time to represent this time of my life that had become so precious to me. The piece I ended up choosing happened to be this wonderful woman’s favorite ring, but, for whatever reason, it didn’t work for her. But it worked for me. *smile* When I told her that was the one I wanted, she was so happy for me and immediately gave me the best hug. That ring was waiting for me. That jewelry store was also. I was meant to meet those women.

And here’s the funny thing. This wasn’t the store from the travel blog. I had to leave the store for some hours and return again for my darling ring. As I was navigating back to the store from my hotel, I ended up at a different jewelry store by the same name. As I walked up to that shop, a man was sitting inside, and everything was different. I simply stopped in front of it, rather confused, and said aloud, “Oh.”

I was so startled there were two distinct shops by the same name.

I found my bearings and walked the 10 or so minutes to my jewelry shop, the one with the strong women I’d connected with, the one with my ring, that symbolized so much for me. I strongly believe in energy and the universe took me to that jewelry shop instead of the one I’d initially intended on going to. I said it before…I was meant to meet those women.

They became a significant part of my journey. Their time was a gift for me. Their powerful presence and enlightening and positive conversation, it all filled my soul. I will carry these women in my heart and can’t wait to take my daughter back to meet them.

Strong women have been my guiding force since last March. I know now that I can live this life without a man by my side. But I could never spend my time without my community of dynamic and amazing women.

So, on this Thanksgiving day, which happens to simply be Thursday for me, I am writing this with a heart that’s been overwhelmed with gratitude since last week. I don’t need a day to remind me to focus on all the things I’m thankful for this year. Some years past, this time was a necessary reminder to slow down and give thanks. But this year? My heart has been full since November 15 and steadily stretching until now, when I think it just may burst.

Without this time, every single minute of these last 256 days, and all the ways I’ve chosen to spend them, I would not be exactly who I am today.

And so, today more than ever, I am grateful for the luxurious gift that is time and for the influential and beautiful community of women in my life. You are my tribe and no amount of time or space could ever separate us. You’ve proven that.

From feeling like nothing to knowing that I’m everything, from wanting to be out of the country on this significant holiday to being quite content with only my pups by side, this Thursday is going to be a great one.

I hope your heart is filled today, also, no matter where you are or what today means to you. After all, it’s only Thursday.

life, love

She Fell in Love in Greece

A Graceful Catastrophe

People say it all the time, the past creates the future, which is why we study history, right? So we, as a society, do not repeat the same mistakes of our ancestors.

But why don’t we choose to study our own histories? Like, dig in and really do some research, as though we’re trying to get our PhD in life. Because it’s hard? Come on…nothing worth it is ever easy or fast. Maybe it’s because we don’t know better.

I didn’t know better.

I feel like I’m now well on my way to earning that PhD, though. I’m exhausted. And oddly energized at the same time. I only have a Master’s Degree, but can fully recall the exhaustion and exhilaration of presenting my thesis. I can only imagine what it’s like to defend a dissertation…

Why am I exhausted and oddly energized? Well, if you’ve been reading from the beginning, you know that my life today is far different than it was 8 months ago. (And if you’re new here, feel free to go check it out. It’s been a wild ride!) So, where was I? Yes, 8 months ago, and a few hours ago, actually. At 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019, the world I knew ceased to exist. And, as it turns out, that’s a wonderful thing.

That catastrophic moment when I opened the email from one of the Ashley Madison lovelies my ex had been having an affair with forced me to spiral completely out of control and then, finally, to make a choice. Do I continue to allow my life to spiral or should I, at long last, face my reality.

I finally decided to face my reality and it has not been an easy journey. For months, this journey was anything but graceful. Though it has been priceless.

I am no longer the same woman I once was…not even close. So, who was I? Those truths are mine, for now. But I will tell you this – after some incredible amount of determination to improve my mental space, I traveled back in time to childhood and began my healing there.

What I discovered was that my childhood wounds were never taken care of properly. And then new wounds layered on top. And that continued for years. Decades, really.

All that strain and stress to my emotional self caused gaping holes that were never patched. I suppose I never quite realized they were even there to be patched. But those wounds shaped me moving forward. I was married the first time at 21 (was it really 21?!). After about a 4 month separation, I was in another committed relationship, this time with husband number 2.

Let’s take a moment to envision my emotional self as a bucket. I kept, up until, like, last week, expecting others to fill my bucket for me. Some tried. The problem, however, is that bucket was riddled with gaping holes, wounds from my past. So, any love I received, any good intention given, filled my bucket and then seeped right on out. I kept waiting for someone else to fill my bucket! Why couldn’t they make me feel as though I was enough? Why wasn’t I worthy of being treated with respect? Both husband #1 and husband #2 were verbally abusive. Both beat me down with their words. I never had any physical scars, but the emotional ones created more holes in my bucket.

If you have something that you view as garbage, how do you treat it? How do you expect others to treat it? For a very long time, for far too long, I looked at myself as garbage. I wasn’t good enough. I battled an eating disorder on and off for a decade and tried to control what I could because there were far too many disappointing aspects of myself that I couldn’t control. I was not fond of myself. I treated myself like garbage with my thoughts and internal dialogue.

Yet, I expected others to treat me differently?! Ridiculous. If I think something is garbage, it’s quite unlikely that anyone else will see any value in it. Ugh, it feels so obvious now. *facepalm*

So, there I was, with a leaky bucket, all wounded and hoping others would come along with a patch kit for me. And now here I am, a month and a half away from 39, and I finally get it.

I have to put on my own patches, radiant and sturdy ones, to plug all of those holes. But first, I have to take the time to carefully find each and every single hole. So, with so much work on myself, I am finding them, one at a time, and I am lovingly patching over my broken bucket.

I feel, now, that I’ve covered most of my holes. Let me be completely clear about this, though. It has been 8 months of losing my mind to find this space within. I’m pretty much constantly in a state of emotional exhaustion. Self-reflection, intensely studying my history, asking myself the hard questions and then journaling about it, doing all the things that has felt right for me, has been emotionally taxing. And fabulously liberating.

With so much self-love and care, my holes are mostly patched and I’m beginning to fill my own bucket. I am not garbage. I am strong. I am capable. And I am enough. I know that. I’ve proven it to myself and, as they say, the proof is in the pudding.

I traveled abroad, by myself, to meet 2 strangers I met on Instagram. They are incredible photographers, which is how I stumbled across one of their pages, and then decided to send him a message. To my utter surprise, he answered. And we began communicating with frequency. I mean, really, it was practically daily. His passion for photography was contagious and his knowledge vast. Just 12 days after I first reached out to him, I decided to go on a private photography tour with him and his business partner and I think it was that day that I booked my tickets to Greece. I don’t quite remember – it all happened very fast.

That moment that I purchased the tickets, in and of itself, was HUGE! I remember feeling pure, boundless joy. In my head, I placed a lot of weight on this trip. It was to be the symbol of my soul’s restoration to peace. A reawakening. A message to myself (and my daughter) that I can, in fact, do whatever I want to do. I am fully capable of doing all things without a man by my side.

The day I left for this epic journey, I was a mess. I should’ve cancelled my morning, as living like a proper adult was rather difficult while in that head space. But, I am an adult and there were things that needed to be done. So, I rushed about to do them. And promptly got a speeding ticket.

When I got to work, the mom and daughter opened the door, and then I immediately started to cry. They were standing there, waiting for me, with gifts to celebrate my one year anniversary of working for them. I spent most of my session crying to these beautiful people.

And then I talked both ears off my dear friend, who’d offered to drive me to the airport. It’s at least an hour and 20 minute drive. I think she maybe said 2 sentences.

Once I was all checked in, I had time to squeeze in one margarita. As I took my first sip, I smiled, and the sighed, contentedly. The woman sitting next to me noticed and made a comment. We both laughed and shortly, were engaged in conversation. I explained to her where I was going – and why. And cried again, of course.

There was a married business man sitting next to me. He had no choice but to listen to my story as I chatted with the sweet lady next to me, as he finished up both his meal and what appeared to be some work. As he got up to leave, he looked me in the eye and said, simply, “Feel better,” and after I said thank you, he left. When I finished my margarita, I went to pay the bill. The bartender told me that it’d been paid for by the gentleman sitting to my right. The “feel better” guy. I completely lost my shit right then and there. Like, full on ugly cried. I was sobbing in a bar at the airport.

This is how I started my trip to Greece.

My head was scattered. Emotional. Anxious. I was a complete and utter wreck. I was doing something unlike anything I’d done for myself before. Alone. Could I do this on my own? No, wait… How could I do this on my own?!

But I did. I made it on my flight and settled in my seat. I made my two connections, landed in Athens, and waited for the cab that was supposed to get me. I found myself in the wrong part of the airport and a kind Greek gentleman told me where I was supposed to go. I contacted my photographer friend I came to Greece to meet and do the tour with and he spoke with my cab driver, making sure he knew where to take me. I got to the bus station, bought my bus fare, ate a Greek pastry, and made it on the right bus. I rode that bus for what seemed like forever, but it was only about 4 hours, then got in a taxi to take me to my hotel, where I checked in and made my way to my room. I contacted my photographer friend that I was there, safely.

I did all of that. Yes, with the help of others, but on my own. I made it from Denver to Athens safely and with nothing lost or left behind (though I did almost forget my suitcase on the bus… *eyeroll*). I am so used to someone double checking things for me that I wasn’t sure I’d be capable of any of this on my own.

Yet, I’m here. I’m still in Greece, in the middle of my photography tour, with 2 of the most wonderful humans I could’ve ever connected with. And they started as random strangers that I met through pretty pictures on instagram. (** Side note. Picture this. I wrote to one of them and told him that his pictures made me want to go there and see it all in person. Today, I saw through his lens, literally and figuratively, as I took my own pictures in the exact locations his pictures portrayed. Actively live life and things will happen that will blow your mind! **)

I took a risk. Somehow, I was able to force myself to take that risk, realizing I’d never prove to myself that I was “enough” of anything until I actually did something of some great magnitude. And now it’s paying off in ways I probably still don’t even realize. I have been in Greece for only 3 full days. I still have 4 full days to go.

And I’ve already fallen in love. Completely. Madly. Wildly.

I’ve fallen in love in Greece…with myself.

My bucket’s patches are holding strong – for now. Of course it’s a patch job, so there will be leaks and cracks that are bound to occur. Which is why this, proper self-care, is now a lifelong act. I cannot ever expect anyone else to make me feel as though I am enough. I have to believe it first for myself. I have to see my worth. I have to know that I am priceless.

And I do. Every single day is magical. Every day I have a choice to talk to myself rather than to simply listen to the old messages. Well, those messages? They’re being erased and replaced with a mantra I now tell myself throughout the day. The words are positive and reflect strength. They are superbly healing. My conversations within are filled with light and love for myself. When I begin to doubt, or self-criticize, or feel unworthy, I switch to my mantra and repeat it until I feel it burning true in my soul.

I am strong. I am capable. I am enough.

The more I say it, the more I believe it to be true. The more it becomes my internal message during times of doubt, stress, and hurt. No longer do I need to seek the attention from others to make me feel good and valued. It isn’t anyone else’s job to do that. Sure, do I like it when others make me feel good? Of course! Genuine compliments are beautiful and they make me smile. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

But I no longer depend on them. I see me. I see my worth. And you know what that means?

I am free. And I am happy. More so than I think I have ever felt in my entire adult life. The love and radiance in my heart and soul is pure bliss. So much, that I frequently find myself with a little smile on my face and then I sigh contentedly (much to one of my photographer’s unease *hehehe*).

All is good in this world of mine. And it just keeps on getting better. I am, quite honestly, now looking forward to this journey. Life is nothing but an adventure and I’m finally strong enough to see it that way.

So, if you find yourself struggling with your own self-worth, I would highly recommend you push out of your comfort zone – whatever that means to you. See what you’re actually capable of that you never thought you could do. Safely, obviously. Perhaps it’s sitting alone at a restaurant, enjoying a meal with only your own thoughts to keep you company. Perhaps it’s going to Target alone after dark. Those were both things I started with, both rather benign activities to some but that made my heart race and palms sweaty. Safely, with calculation, push yourself out of your comfort zone. Start small. Be smart about it. And then watch yourself grow and see where it leads.

I can promise you this, though: there is no better feeling than unconditionally loving yourself. You’ll be amazed with what follows when that finally happens. Tonight, I am sending my love to you all. May you feel it, understand how to create it from within, and go fall in love with yourself. And then keep doing so, throughout every moment of this marvelous life of yours.

You are strong. You are capable. You are enough. ❤️

Photo Credit: Chris Nanos www.theatlasroamers.com