I wrote last night, about how I want to behave with grace towards my ex. And then, right there in that very blog (that I thankfully didn’t publish), I was not extending an ounce of it. All the proof was staring back at me, letters strewn across my computer screen, in black and white, about how I want to give grace, yet, in the very same paragraph, I was still bringing up the past. That isn’t giving grace. That is me holding on to my baggage, refusing to let it all go, allowing it to control me, and still playing the part of victim.
So, this post will hopefully be shorter. And if it’s not sweet, I’m not publishing this one either.
My ex noticed these shelves needed hung. So he came over and hung them for me. He also gave me an old drill of his (yes, it works) so I didn’t have to go buy one. He is a good person.
The world is exactly how we paint it. People are exactly how we choose to see them. For years, I chose to see my ex in a negative light, focusing in on anything he did that evoked a negative or anxious feeling. But he’s so much more than that. He’s funny. The life of a party. He can bring a smile to anyone’s face during any given moment. Last week, during our divorce hearing, he made the judge laugh. And he made me laugh, too.
Yesterday, my ex mentioned he wanted to make our daughter french toast for breakfast. This isn’t his week with her, though. Today, she had a snow day. I called him and asked if he wanted to come make her french toast at my house. So he did. He is a good person.
I’m done hating him. Everything that happened is in the past and I’m at the point where I can truly forgive him for it. And I can move forward. Finally.
Now that we’re divorced, the marriage “dissolved,” it doesn’t matter what he did. It doesn’t matter what we both did, leading up to it. On my death bed, I’m sure I won’t think about how angry, sad, hurt, etc I was at some point in my life. I’ll look back at my life, as a whole, and think how beautiful and filled with love it truly was. Because it is. I’m super lucky.
So, that’s what I am choosing to focus on.
I am loved.
My ex has a good soul.
I love myself today. More than I ever have in the entirety of my life. So I accept all the experiences that have made me who I am in this moment. I’m grateful for my ex, and more importantly, I’m grateful for every bit of our history.
So, here we are. I’m grateful for my experiences. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having taken every single step on this journey. My path has been interesting. It’s been filled with so much pain. And in that pain, there has been incredible beauty. So, to me, now, at least, it’s all been worth it. So why not show some grace towards my ex for it?
I am not a victim of my circumstances. Things happened. For a while I let them break me. I’ve realized I’m better than that. This life is truly beautiful. So that is what I will choose to focus in on. And it’s definitely what I will project out into the universe. It’s time I turn this pain into something beautiful.
To be perfectly honest, though, giving grace sucks. It’s hard.
And it’s exactly what I want to do. For myself and my daughter. When this whole journey began, well over 7 months ago, my plan was to behave with class and grace. Well, that was quite impossible for me for way too long. I had zero desire to extend grace or to conduct myself with even an ounce of class. I had a long list of excuses and validations…but don’t we all?
So, here I am today. From deep within my heart, I want to live with grace, though that might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I’m choosing to forgive. I’m letting it all go.
It’s time for me to truly move forward. The only way I can do that is to release the baggage I’ve been holding onto like my life has depended on it. I’m not a victim. I am strong. Valuable. Incredible. It’s time I begin to act like that, rather than continue to hang on to the hurt.
Because by hanging on to the hurt, I’m telling myself, and projecting to the world, that I deserve to be treated as nothing more than the broken individual that I am.
Well, screw that!
I am not broken. Shit happened. Shit happens to everyone.
It’s time to focus in on the good.
My ex is good. There’s beauty in my history. And giving grace is both challenging and rewarding.
I still cry. I still eat my feelings. I also wake up the next day and choose to smile. There’s plenty in my world to smile about and that’s where I’m finally deciding to focus.
Tonight I’ve cried a lot. I’m sure my eyes will betray me tomorrow. There’s a deep sadness in my heart for how I treated my ex over the last 6 or 7 years, and especially the last 7 or so months.
There’s not a whole lot I can do about any of that…except move forward in love, grace, and forgiveness (for both him and myself).
I’m letting everything go. And focusing on what truly matters. One breath at a time.
I am in control of this life. I am in control of my responses. I am in control of my choices.
And, while at times it truly does suck because it’s hard as hell, I am finally choosing to give grace. He deserves it. And my soul requires it.
A few days ago, I was talking with a friend that has this ability to call me out, saying all the difficult things that I need to hear, yet doing so in such a way that makes me pause, rather than defend (for the most part). I definitely don’t want to hear these observations, or answer the questions that inevitably follow, but, the truth of the matter is, in order to really grow, I must listen. And, in the kindest of ways, he makes me question all the things I thought to be true about not only me, but also my past.
After some hardcore self-reflection, I realized I have been a pretty shitty person to my ex. And not just in the last 7 months since I found out about his infidelity, but for years.
I lacked intention.
I lacked compassion and grace.
I reacted to his poor behavior, validating my response because I was a victim. A victim of all the things I’ve written about in previous blogs.
But, you know what? Just because somebody shits on you doesn’t mean you shit on them back. That’s just not being a good human. There’s no validating poor behavior. No matter what.
For my own reasons, I chose to treat my ex poorly. I withdrew. Any affection I’d had for him diminished day by day. I started to only see him in a negative light. I focused on all of his faults. And when I spoke to those closest to me, I complained about him. Incessantly. All I saw were the awful things about him. That was all I chose to see. So, naturally, I convinced myself that my poor behavior towards him was understandable. It was excusable. My awful behavior was valid.
Sure, we all know by now that he did not treat me well. However, I allowed myself to play the role of victim – for years. And have continued to do so for the last 7 months.
Was I a victim? Yep. Did it mean that I had to define myself as that? Nope. But I did. Unconsciously, sure, but I did. Right up until Friday night. Until my friend smacked me with that info.
Oof. That didn’t sit well with me at first. I immediately tried to protest. “But I only behaved that way because he…” No, no, no! That’s not okay. It was time for me to own my actions.
So I bit my tongue. Literally. And I sat there in silence, continuing to listen to what he was saying. I processed this info longer than anything else we talked about that night.
I lived in a place of constant hurt. And anger. And I held onto those emotions tighter with every breath I took.
And when someone’s words and actions constantly hurt, there are some defense mechanisms that have to be put into place for survival.
Or so I thought.
So, that’s what I did. I began to shut down. To be perfectly honest with myself, and, I suppose, you, my ex eventually ceased to exist to me. Over time, he wasn’t someone I fought for or tried to engage with. I loved him, and at the same time, I didn’t really care about him. And I gave myself all the valid reasons for my actions.
“Because he hurts me.”
“Because he doesn’t care about my feelings. Or my job. Or my day. Or (insert reason here).
“Because he doesn’t respect me.”
And guess what? It showed. It showed that he was an inconsequential human in my life.
He felt it.
I’m not sure which happened first. Did I shut down first or did he? Who shit on whom first?
Honestly, it doesn’t matter. We both turned away from one another. And we both convinced ourselves that it was okay. Because of that ugly place of being hurt. Both of us just wanted to feel love from the other. And neither of us was receiving it.
We were stuck in a negative loop so deeply entrenched in anger and hurt, stubbornness and frustration, that we both made decisions, some deliberate and intentional, others lacking complete intentionality, that drove a very solid wedge between us.
Let me be clear – hindsight is 20/20. In the moment, I never saw this. I actually didn’t see any of this until that conversation a few days ago. But the very ugly truth is that, over time, I came to care so little about him, and his feelings, that I would live my life with absolutely zero regard towards how my actions would affect him. He became insignificant and unimportant in my life.
Guys, we were married. I was his wife. And, though it was unintentional, I was, at the very least, a big giant jerk to him and at the very most, an astonishingly cold-hearted and inconsiderate human.
Just because it was unintentional doesn’t make it okay. Sure, I didn’t set out in the morning, when I opened my eyes, and plan how I was going to hurt him that day. I also didn’t set out that morning, when I opened my eyes, and plan how I would fill his life with happiness that day.
Truly loving somebody else is placing their happiness above your own. Seeing them happy should make you happy.
I didn’t care about his happiness. Because he didn’t care about mine.
Goodness, how wrong that thinking is!
Look at what it did, the outcome of that thought process…and to so many lives.
For the last 7 months, and for years before that, even if I thought that perhaps my actions could hurt him, I didn’t care. If it was something I wanted to do, I’d do it. His reaction to my actions weren’t my fault.
But, in a lot of ways, they were.
It wasn’t that I would purposely do something to hurt him. I’m not consciously evil. It’s that I wouldn’t think twice and consider that my actions could perhaps hurt him. He was that inconsequential to me.
Ouch.
Time for this incredibly inconsiderate person to eat crow.
Should he have betrayed me for almost a year? Of course not. Is it my fault? Of course not.
Were we operating from a place of love towards one another? Of course not.
My happiness didn’t matter to him. His happiness didn’t matter to me. Neither one of us mattered to the other.
Again…ouch.
I see the wife I was to him. I see it now, at least. Operating from a place of hurt and anger is simply a terrible way to live. And just because his behavior was poor and it did cause me pain and damage, it still doesn’t excuse my shitty behavior. I’m a grown woman capable of making sound decisions. I’m intuitive and bright. I engage in self-reflection. Yet, I chose to play the role of victim and react with venom, adding to the toxic environment. And then I justified it.
Not anymore.
My friend encouraged me to try to finally forgive. And not just my ex. But to take an honest look at my role in this and then forgive myself. He told me that it was an absolutely essential step in my ability to move forward. In the moment of that conversation, I probably looked at him like he was crazy.
But you know what? He’s right. So I have. I am. I’ve already begun to let my hurt go. I’ve come to terms with all the circumstances that have ultimately brought me here, to today, and to writing this blog.
If I want to move forward and continue to grow, if I want to be a positive and loving example to my daughter, and if I want to have any chance at having a healthy relationship in the future, I have to be a good human. And I have to face the realities that, during my marriage and right up until this last Friday night, I was not. And I have to not only forgive him, but I have to forgive myself.
So today, I am at a place where I have hope. I have hope that we can be civil to one another. I have hope that we can respect one another. I have hope that we will be supportive and kind to our future new spouses. I have hope that, someday, all 4 of us will be incredible parents to our marvelous little girl.
I have hope that, from this day forward (or, at least, most of the days that will follow), I will make the daily choice to walk through this life with purposeful intention, acting from a place filled with grace, and of love, which is once again filling my heart.
Today’s writing is more of a musical journey – a glimpse into one of the many tools I’ve used to process, reflect, and grow since March. I’ve relied heavily on music to help me feel sane and less isolated over the last half a year and these songs have evoked incredible emotional responses, from breaking out in chills all over, to ugly crying, to fist pumping and cheering because I really am a strong woman, like the song’s lyrics tell me.
Lately I’ve wondered where my life would be without music. I don’t think there are many things in this world that offer the truly magnificent power that music does. It can calm the mind, make you smile and laugh, make you cry out of sadness or happiness, recall old loves and other such memories you’d thought were long forgotten, and it can make you feel as though you are able to accomplish absolutely anything.
Playing my piano is my “go-to” move when I’m stressed. I sit there and play until I can breathe properly again. When I’m driving, in the shower, exercising, hiking, or relaxing, I have my music on. But it’s not just any music lately. The songs I listen to are the ones I deeply connect with…the ones that align with where my mind, heart, and soul are in this moment.
You see, some friends recommended that I make a playlist way back at the beginning of this journey, which started over 6 months ago now. And how it has morphed over time is quite fascinating! The first several songs that were added to the playlist were pretty angry and bitter (think “Figures” by fellow Colombiana, Jessie Reyez, “God Damn Liar” by Dirty Heads, and “I Don’t F**k with You, by Big Sean and E-40).
Now, the playlist is beginning to fill with songs that reassure me of a great deal of things. Through songs like, “Outnumbered” by Dermot Kennedy, I am now convinced that love like I’ve never felt before could, in fact, exist and someone is out there that will make me feel adored, empowered, valued, and worthy of that incredible love through his actions. And with songs like “Hero” by Christina Perri, I am reminded that even if that’s not in my cards, I am now a strong woman who doesn’t need it in order to feel happy.
And I am. I am a strong woman now. Stronger than I ever was before. I feel myself getting stronger every single day. And for, I think, the very first time in my life, I truly love myself.
Goodness, that’s both so powerful – and so difficult – for me to write. It makes me cry to actually put it down in black and white for you to read.
Up until quite recently, I didn’t love myself. Hell, a good portion of the time, I didn’t even like myself. If you could’ve heard the way I spoke to myself in my own head, I’m sure you would’ve been shocked.I was insecure and sad and looked upon myself with unkind eyes.I tried, oftentimes quite successfully, to portray a strong, independent woman. But I was not living in public how I felt in my head. There was a lot of “fake it ’till you make it” going on. I was really good at playing the part I thought I was supposed to – and it was exhausting.I felt like a fraud.
So these tears? They’re hard earned. And they are made with a mixture of both great sadness and pure joy. It makes me terribly sad that I’ve lost so many years beating myself up and believing the negativity that was spewed at me. And I’m also thrilled that I’ve figured it out – I finally see that I am worthy of all things wonderful and beautiful. I understand that other people’s actions and reactions have little (or nothing) to do with me. Do you know just how freeing that is?! It is an incredibly impressive feeling, to truly love oneself, this whole perfectly imperfect wonderful being that I am.
So what does it look like to genuinely have love for yourself? I’ll tell you what it means to me… Loving myself is:
to feel secure and confident enough that I am free to be vulnerable,
to have a complete disregard for any potential pain or sadness, simply because I’d rather experience the joy in this moment that I know I deserve, and am comfortable enough to know that I can overcome that pain/sadness if it does come around,
to live entirely authentically, because I now know that I am strong enough, and I finally value myself enough, that I can, and will, overcome any hurt that might come my way,
to be sofearless and empowered that I am taking a solo trip to the other side of the world, destroying the idea in my head that I am not strong enough or capable enough to travel alone, because I now know that I am plenty enough of both of those things,
to have a defined bar and understanding of how I want to be treated in a relationship and to come to the conclusion that I’d rather be single, surrounded by my incredible community of friends, than to ever settle for feeling less than I deserve, because I now know that I am worth it and more than enough, and have no problems walking away if my partner doesn’t see that,
to finally, and wholeheartedly, believe that I am enough.
I heard a song the other day, called “Worth It” by Danielle Bradbery that spoke to that last point. Her song, these lyrics…it’s just everything to me right now. I needed this reminder, especially today.
‘Cause I’m worth it You’re crazy baby if you think that I don’t know it I ain’t afraid to walk away if you can’t see it, believe it And give me the love I’m deserving ‘Cause I know I’m worth it
There’s nothing like having the epiphany that I am enough and then shortly thereafter hearing a song that validates my thoughts and reassures me that that is exactly how I should be thinking.
Music really is so remarkable…and so influential.
I mentioned “Hero” earlier. It’s a recent addition that came recommended by an incredible friend, a strong woman who has been dragged through the mud and is now rising above, more tenacious and determined than ever before. When she played this song for me, the physical reaction to the words was incredibly intense – instant chills and tears (guys, I’m a crier, what can I say? *shrug*).
Just listen to this song and read these specific lyrics while you picture a broken soul, who never, ever thought she was enough, because she came to believe every nasty word that had been thrown into her face over the years. Then picture that same shattered woman, pieces picked up and taped, glued, stitched, and cemented back together. She has her head held high, wearing a smile that she’s been told can light up a room, and she’s filled with a radiant love that glows from the inside out, because she has finally realized she’s a pretty cool person after all. If you can picture all of that, you’ll understand my reaction to this song.
…But I found I’m powerless with you Now I don’t need your wings to fly No, I don’t need a hand to hold in mine this time You held me down, but I broke free I found the love inside of me Now I don’t need a hero to survive ‘Cause I already saved my life
And I really did. I saved my life. Not alone, of course. I am fortunate enough that I had the help and support from so many incredible people, and it was through their unconditional love that I found the love inside of me. Don’t get me wrong. Some days are still hard. Sometimes, even with the slightest, most minor of rejections, those old thoughts of unworthiness tiptoe, ever so carefully, back into my head, swirling around so quietly that I don’t even realize what is happening. I just feel low and the old thought patterns start cycling through my mind, but more out of habit than actual belief.
And that’s the difference.
Before, when I would have my dark moments, those moments would spiral into days, and sometimes consume an entire week. I wouldn’t be able to create a different internal dialogue because I genuinely believed the negative thoughts playing on repeat.
Now, when I start to have that negative self-talk, when I turn to beating myself up and internalizing it all, and I start thinking once again that I am not worthy or “enough,” I simply play that song. And I remember who I am today.
I am no longer powerless. I am no longer held hostage by the voices of others who feel it necessary to bring me down and tear me apart with their words. Because I have a deep love for myself now.
Love is powerful. Everyone seems to understand that. But self love? Holy smokes, it’s other worldly! I almost feel as though it’s a superpower. By genuinely loving myself, it gives me a sense of freedom and fearlessness that I’ve never possessed. It’s quite intensely beautiful, actually. And so far from who I once was.
It’s crazy to look back to last March, to reflect on who I was and how I initially handled my imploding world. I was an entirely different person then. It truly fascinates me! While I now try hard to live in the moment, to focus on this breath that I’m taking and enjoy what is directly in front of me, there’s nothing like taking a glance into my past to offer a bit of perspective and see just how far I’ve come.
Which brings me to another song on my playlist – “30,000 Feet” by Ben Rector. From the first time I heard it, it does its job in reminding me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
I’ve walked into harder times, I’ve walked out the other side It seems like you end up getting what you need Yeah looking down from 30, 000 feet Life’s been good to me
In the grand scheme of things, life has been very good to me. Yeah, sure, my ex cheated on me with random women for damn near a year before I found out (thanks to one of those women who decided to reach out to me after my ex insulted her one too many times). And yep, that sucked terribly. But now, looking back with peace in my heart, our marriage really should’ve ended long ago. We weren’t a good fit. We didn’t lift each other up. We became the couple that brought out the worst in one another. We had no tolerance for each other. So, his multitude of betrayals was really a gift. I see that now. When I reflect for a moment and see the woman I was, compared to the woman I am today, I am grateful for that gift he gave me. It was an incredibly difficult lesson to go through but now that I’m here on the other side, I am stronger because of it.
I now move forward in a different direction. One where I have the opportunity to be loved and feel love in ways I’ve never imagined. In ways that I thought only existed in fairy tales. Or, I have the opportunity to move forward confidently alone, rocking out this life with my incredible community and my amazing daughter.I welcome either path. Because I am lucky to have the life I currently do, that is already filled with an abundance of love that is truly unconditional.
So, yes, life’s been good to me.
It is worth it to take a bird’s eye view of my life every now and then. When I’m in the thick of it, my view is far too narrow to see the bigger picture. But as I’m driving along from client’s home to client’s home throughout the day, and 30,000 feet comes on, it forces me to take a moment to look back. And with that gain in perspective, I can’t help but smile.
Because where I am today feels right. It feels good. I love that I am here, in this space, with all the life I’ve already gone through. Pink’s song, “I Am Here,” is filled with lyrics that explain this:
I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found ... I am here, I am here I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear ... May the light be upon me May I feel in my bones that I am enough ... My heart it is racing, but afraid I am not Afraid I am not ...
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I was…goodness…you know, I was so lost 6 months ago. I hit rock bottom. I felt completely and utterly shattered and didn’t know who I was, where I was going, or how I could survive another day. And now? I’ve found myself. I’m a me that I never knew could exist. And because I experienced that devastating catastrophe that ended the life I once knew, I now feel in my bones, down to my very core, that I am enough. And I am fearless.
The freedom that I now feel in my life would never exist without the events leading up to and then occurring on March 17, 2019. The person I am today is here, in great deal, due to my amazing friends, who have journeyed alongside with me, lifting me up every moment they could, being the constant support I so needed.
And then there’s my playlist, which has been my therapist in the car, the shower, or on hikes up the incline. Music has been a vital part of my journey, evolving as I have grown and my perspective has changed. Some days I skip the “old” songs that were amongst the first added, because I no longer need those messages. Some days, I play the same song 4 times in a row, belting out the lyrics in the car as tears stream unashamedly down my face, because the lyrics feed my soul in that moment and I can’t get enough.
There’s a lot about my life today that I never imagined would be my reality. And I’m perfectly okay with that now. In fact, I am hopeful, grateful, and quite content. I have people in my life who value me and remind me of exactly what it is that I deserve.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? That is something I no longer really waste much time worrying about. If I do start to go down that rabbit hole, I bring myself back by asking myself, “How do you feel right now, in this moment?” How I feel in the moment is all that matters to me. If the moment is filled with positivity, I embrace it and keep doing what I can to allow that positivity to linger. If things don’t feel right in my world, then I reflect and figure out a way to bring things right again. Because now I know that I am strong enough, and capable enough, to make the difficult decisions that will make things right in my world once again.
In the last 6 or so months, I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve felt the hurt caused by multiple, appalling betrayals. I’ve felt sadness so intensely that the physical pain from breaking my hand during that first week went unnoticed. I’ve experienced anger that I never realized could legitimately exist outside of the imaginations of experienced screenplay writers and best-selling authors.
And while I know that I am still a work in progress, I’m becoming a renewed and more capable person than ever before. I’m a significantly improved and transformed self.
So, when it comes to making difficult decisions that will ultimately make my life better, I move forward – head on. Sure, I still feel a deep sadness in those situations. And I lament the broken possibility. But I will never again stay in any situation that makes me feel like my world is a bit off kilter.
I will never again sacrifice my authenticity – or my heart.
Because now I know better.
The lyrics from the song “Didn’t Know Better” by Ivan B make me roll my eyes and smack my forehead. I may have not known better before, but I surely know better now. And when you know better, you do better (thank you, Ms. Angelou!).
I just didn’t know better I used to have no confidence Uncomfortable in my own skin Deep down, way-way back then I just didn’t know better
I have the confidence now to know that I can overcome a great deal of pain. There isn’t much that could happen that would hurt worse than what my ex – my daughter’s father – did. And I’m more comfortable in my own skin than ever in my life. Which is a dangerously beautiful combination.
“I am here,” living moments at 38 years old that I couldn’t have anticipated would fill my life. And you know what? Through it all, I am bound and determined to make the best of it.
So, bring it, life. With all of your chaos, uncertainty, love and heartbreak, joy and laughter…bring it all. I’m here to live this adventure out loud and with fearless, fierce moxie, all while shamelessly belting out the song lyrics that match, as I walk along on this musical journey.
This might be the day that I quit counting. 184 days might be the “magic number.” Some time ago, a friend told me that I should quit counting the days, that it wasn’t healthy, and asked if I was waiting on some magic number of days to pass when everything would be right in my world again.
Well, it’s here.
And it only took 6 months.
I doubt I’ll finish writing in time to publish this on September 17th, but that’s the date right now. To be exact, it’s 6 months, 4 hours, and 20 minutes from the time I received the email from my ex’s Ashley Madison lovely, exposing his double life. Exposing his infidelity. And exposing just the tip of the iceberg of the multitude of betrayals that would unfold over time.
Today, I celebrate that email. Today, I have a sense of peace and calm that I haven’t had in decades. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since July 31, 1998. And even then, I was just a kid.What did I know? Now, I have so much more experience that I approach that which life hands me with a sense of peace that has probably never existed within me.
My first husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. As was my second. Over time, without realizing it, I became an entirely different person than I tried to portray. My inner dialogue was painful and harsh. I thought very little of myself, while simultaneously trying to be the person on the outside that I desperately wanted to be on the inside.
I was living a lie. And it was exhausting.
I wanted nothing more than to live an authentic life. I’ve recently looked at an old journal, from several years ago, where I specifically wrote out “live an authentic life” as one of my goals – but I couldn’t. Because my internal message never matched what I presented to the world.
And it happened again, just yesterday. I have a dear friend group of moms at my gym. There are 5 of us in total and one of the moms bought us all hats. She carefully picked out the sayings for each of us, being deliberate and intentional with our phrases.
My hat says, “I’ll bring the dance moves.” I immediately thought it was given to me ironically because, as my internal dialogue has always affirmed – I don’t dance.
But then she explained that I’m always moving at the gym, dancing to the music. And it made me pause. I do dance! I dance without a care in the world at the gym! I’m confident there, and surrounded by people that love me and are just as crazy and ridiculous as I am. It’s my safe place. And I am completely comfortable there, surrounded by my friends-turned-family, that love me dearly.
I do dance.
I am in a news video clip, promoting our gym, that was taken last week. In the clip, you can see me dancing. I knew the news crew was there, yet I was in my zone, in my happy place, and I was dancing. Without a care in the world.
I do bring the dance moves.
Such a simple moment, with such profound results.
Once again, my internal dialogue was feeding me lies! The people around me see an entirely different person than the way I see myself and that has got to continue to change. Little by little, my worlds are coinciding.
I feel as though I’m finally achieving my goal. I’m living authentically. My internal dialogue is filled with positive messages to myself.
For example, I have (had?) body dysmorphia. I’d look in the mirror and see a completely different person than what others would see in me (hmm, I’m seeing a pattern here…). I’d stand on the scale and berate myself, calling myself a heifer and other such names. I wasn’t very kind to myself. *sigh*
But why?
Looking back, I think it’s because I was beat down for so long. I wasn’t enough for the people I loved – ever. I was criticized and humiliated. Accused and attacked. For decades.
So, the external onslaught became my internal dialogue.
And then, March 17th happened. And I started seeing my therapist frequently. I don’t recall now, but I think it was once a week, though at the very beginning, it might’ve even been twice each week. I just can’t remember.
But, man, is my therapist out of this world.
(PSA: Guys, go get yourself a good mental health professional. No matter how you're feeling, seeing a therapist should be a part of your general self-care routine - even if it's quarterly, just to check in. Go.)
Okay…where was I?
Ahh, yes. My therapist calls me out. He doesn’t tiptoe around things. He knows I’m a perfectionist and tells me to knock it off, to quit playing “God.” He’s blunt. He’s seen me break down and ugly cry in his office because I didn’t believe the words he was telling me. I was so broken and had spent so many years beating myself up that I found myself unworthy. I believed the negativity my ex spewed at me. And I didn’t believe my therapist or anyone else who tried to tell me differently. Well, until this last month or so, when it just clicked after one of my appointments with him.
At this specific appointment, I left feeling defeated. I was still crying as I walked to my car. He had told me to re-frame my thoughts and gave me a replacement dialogue to use. I looked at him through my tears and shook my head. I told him I couldn’t say those things to myself because they were lies. I didn’t believe them. How could those things possibly be true???
He sighed, and with a look of sadness for me that he just couldn’t mask, he agreed to give me another option. For now, he said…one that was neutral and I was much more comfortable with saying to myself.
And I did. Anytime I needed to re-frame my inner dialogue, I repeated the second option. Until one time, I repeated the first. And it felt good. It felt honest. And I smiled. Because I believed it.
And I haven’t stopped believing my new inner dialogue.
Until I received the hat and the first thought in my head was, “I don’t dance.”
My inner voice still lies to me. I suppose we all deal with insecurities and things we’ve convinced ourselves of that, with enough confidence and self-reflection, we can find to be utterly untrue.
I do dance. Happily and ridiculously. And it took a dear friend to see that in me to make me realize this truth about myself.
I am finally listening to the positive messages people tell me. I no longer think I am unworthy of those messages. I no longer believe they’re just feeding me lines of complete garbage, just to try to make me feel better. I’m listening to the correct messages now and it’s changing who I am.
I used to worry about every little thing. I called myself a catastrophizer. I saw the negative outcome in anything. With some things, it turned into paralyzing fear.
Now, I simply ask myself, how do I feel about that right now. It is only this moment that exists. Why fret over the possible “what ifs” in life? I was a Type A planner. And worrier. I covered all the bases. Or I thought I did…
And where did that lead me?
No amount of planning can prevent life from unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. Loved ones will die. Car accidents will happen. Illness will strike. Personal catastrophes that are far worse than mere infidelity will occur – catastrophes that have no positive outcome in the end and yet, you still have to reconcile it all and try, valiantly, to move forward. (**Okay, I am not downplaying infidelity. However, so much good has come into my life from his choice to end our marriage through those means. With some catastrophes, no matter how hard you try, you cannot find the silver lining an no good will ever come from it.**)
There are some things that will still turn your world upside down, if only for a moment, regardless of how much effort you put in to make sure you’re following a certain path that has been deemed “safe” inside your head for your multitude of reasons.
So, I encourage you to live free and with authenticity (whatever that means for you. For me, it was to finally ignore the lies I’d been living with for decades).
Make sure your mind, body, and soul align to your truth.
Only listen to the voice in your head if it’s feeding you positivity. Otherwise, remind yourself that it’s all just lies and should be re-framed and shut down.
Six months later, I feel lighter than I have in a long time. The burden of the lies has been lifted. When my ex does beat me up, verbally speaking, he’s attacking triggers that used to exist. His words no longer have power over me. Where he was once able to destroy me with just a few sentences, I now simply shrug them off (okay, I might still throw in some cheap shots back, I haven’t quite mastered this whole “living with class and grace” thing). But the point is, his words do not defeat me anymore.
I am now living a life that is extremely satisfying. I am content. I feel empowered and strong. I very rarely overthink and over-analyze. And I have no fear.
Things just are.
I form my next decision based on how I feel right now, in this moment. I can’t put enough emphasis on that. Right now, this moment, is the only true reality. To me, that is the only thing that matters. If it is bringing me happiness right now, I will continue to pursue it. As soon as it evokes a negative emotion, then I change my course of action. I no longer worry about “what if” and “should’ve” and “could’ve.” Things just are. Life just is. I breathe in. I breathe out.
This is what is working for me.
I do dance. Thank you for seeing that in me, Casey. And even more than that, thank you for pointing it out to me.
And, finally, I live and love without bounds or fear of what may come or what may be. Because none of that matters. It simply doesn’t even exist, so how could it matter?
Six months later and I am finally free of the lies. I never would’ve thought, in the moments after receiving that email, that this is where the chain of events would lead me.
Who would have ever thought that I’d be so grateful that my ex cheated on me?
184. This might be my new lucky number.
Because life is so good today.
Please excuse me…I feel the need to go dance. I do that now. *smile*
This journey is interesting. Life, in general, is simply unpredictable chaos. I am learning how to “ride the wave,” to “roll with the punches,” to try desperately to “keep from drowning” and hold my “head above the water”, fighting fiercely to keep my wits about me as I am buckled into this roller coaster, gripping the handles so tightly that my knuckles are white, just so that I don’t fall out, crashing and spiraling back to the ground.
All of the idioms fit. *chuckles*
I’ve come so far in the nearly 6 months since I first found out about my ex’s mountains of betrayals. And I can honestly say that I am finally rising above the catastrophe that the email I received on St. Patrick’s Day sparked. I find that I am being more intentional with whom I am seeking connection and conversation. I’m being drawn to people who challenge me in a multitude of ways, but mostly who challenge my mind. My responses are respectfully questioned, forcing me to analyze that which I feel strongly about, to justify why I think it, or to finally decide that my thoughts are flawed and I ought to re-evaluate my opinions. In short, these people are helping me to grow, to become a better me, and to better understand exactly who I am.
While it’s incredibly difficult, and at times exhausting, it’s refreshing. My ex-husband didn’t push me to be a better person. We didn’t have the deep and meaningful conversation that prompted the levels of introspection necessary to increase self-awareness and achieve personal growth. We didn’t live in the type of safe place, filled with mutual respect, where he could kindly call me out and help me consider different perspectives. Our relationship was volatile, our communication dismal. We just weren’t good partners for one another and I think a lot of that is because we weren’t good for ourselves.
This is a problem I never want to have again. Wait, let me re-word that. This is a problem I will never have again. So I am choosing to continue pursuing opportunities and connections that will help me to not only continue to heal my soul, but to also grow emotionally.
I came into our relationship with a lot of baggage. And so did he. We both still have our baggage but I can say mine is getting easier to carry. I am understanding myself in ways I never have before. And I can feel a different type of deep peace within. Guys, it’s incredible to live without the weight of all those bricks that have been piled on me for decades…for far longer than just my ex being in my life. For the most part, I feel quite calm, which is at the same time exhilarating, because I cannot recall the last time I felt this level of composed tranquility.
Sure, sometimes life gets stressful – and heavy – but I’m learning to see it all in a different perspective and I haven’t been lingering in that negative space like I used to. I am so much stronger – in mind, body, and spirit – and, therefore, far healthier now. If life gets heavy, I have the strength and ability to climb back up out of the trenches much quicker than before. I just see things differently. I feel things with far less drama than I once did. And the most important lesson I’ve learned over the last 6 months is that “it” isn’t about me. I very rarely hear the self-defeating, negative self-talk anymore. Now, more often than not, I shrug my shoulders and understand it’s “not my circus,” as the saying goes.
The way I am intentionally choosing to live isn’t exactly easy, but it isn’t hard, either. It’s a choice. A conscious decision. And that, is the hardest part. Sometimes, a lot of times, it’s so easy to simply react to what life throws at us, to snap back at another, whose words or actions trigger us, to respond carelessly and thoughtlessly. It just happened again today, with my ex, of course. But it wasn’t as bad as it was, say, 3 months ago. So, I guess that’s progress.
But none of that is classy. Or graceful. Since the beginning of this journey, that has been my ultimate goal. And it feels like I take 1 step forward, then 2 steps back again. Yet, I’m constantly reflecting. I’m working on “the pause.” (I suck at it, but I’m working on it.) I am becoming more aware of tiny shifts within – I feel the changes occurring so quickly that it’s like I blink and I’m somebody slightly different than I once was. I have hope that one day, I will be able to mostly control my behavior – especially when I am triggered.
To choose to live authentically and intentionally means that the road is going to be a challenging one. But it’s so worth it. I read a line from an Instagram post by createthelove that hit home – especially because of where my life is today. He said, “when space is created in our lives, it allows other people and experiences to enter. Your greatest moments are waiting, you just need to let go of the ones which have already passed.”
Which is why it’s pointless for me to continue allowing myself to be triggered by my ex. For what? His actions have created a space that I am now grateful for, one where I have experienced more personal growth than I ever could’ve had with him by my side. I now have a life where I can focus on that personal growth, on chasing experiences that will simultaneously fill my soul and open my eyes to realities I never knew could exist. I have opportunity now. And more time and energy to purse those experiences that come with this newfound opportunity.
But I’m trying to be careful now. I quite strongly believe that the energy you put out into the universe is exactly what will be returned back to you.
Intentionality. Grace. Class. Love. Authenticity.
That’s what I want to project out there, regardless of how another treats me. I want to practice it so frequently that it becomes imprinted on my soul and becomes as natural as breathing.
Another Instagram post that hit home is from mindfulmft. Vienna Pharaon said, “ask yourself this: Is what I’m about to say or do going to lead me to peace or suffering? (and then adjust accordingly)” She then went on to say, “We either move towards suffering or we move towards peace. We move towards chaos or we move towards freedom. We move towards pain or we move towards healing. This or that.”
Simple. This. Or that.
We have the choice. I have the choice. Do I want to bring this into my life, or that? I know one thing for certain – I want to live as an example for my daughter, and anyone else who happens to be watching, as someone who makes the conscious decision to chase peace and healing, and to pursue the freedom that comes with being in complete control of my actions and, my biggest struggle, my reactions.
I owe that to all my relationships, present and future.
This journey has been far from simple. There have been moments where I literally didn’t know how I would be capable of taking my next breath. The pain was undefinable. The destruction catastrophic.
But looking back, now with a bit of distance, I can see the bigger picture. It’s not the destruction I thought it was when it was merely inches from my face. Perhaps I don’t have a bird’s eye view quite yet, but from this distance, I see that my ex’s actions started a chain reaction that actually cleared my path, allowing the sun to fully shine down, erasing the shadows I once lived beneath. And now? I’m lifting my face to the glorious light, allowing the healing warmth to flood my soul, as I feel serenity and contentment slowly replace anger and anguish.
Personal growth can be painful. But for right now, it mostly feels like freedom.
My shell cracked on March 17, 2019 at 6:08 pm. Over the next several months, everything spilled out. I felt utterly destroyed. Now, 3 days shy of 6 months later, I understand that it wasn’t destruction. It was freedom. And now, I am blooming.
I feel anxious. But not anxious bad. Excited anxious. Things firing all over the place anxious.
There is just so much going on right now, in all aspects of my life, and I feel like my world is exploding in an entirely different way than it did 169 days ago (yes, I’m still keeping count. I’m a numbers person. I like the data. *grin*). Like, fireworks exploding.
For years and years, I felt like I had 2 lives in one, and they were never jiving together. The professional side and the personal side. Usually, the reality was I’d be rocking it professionally but sucking at the personal side of life. And I was reminded, pretty frequently over the last 6 or so years, exactly how awful of a wife I was.
But I was killing it professionally. And as a mom. I just sucked as a wife.
But right now, today, the split road has joined into one, wide, beautiful road. I picture this road as the “White Way of Delight,” for all you Anne of Green Gables readers out there. My life is finally jiving in all aspects. Professionally AND personally. Fireworks!
Thinking about where my company is going to go over this next school year gets me so excited that I feel like my insides are literally buzzing. And then, one of my best friends and I are going into business, taking a giant leap of faith – together. And it’s going to be incredible. I can feel that in my bones, too. My book is already outlined out, I just have to start writing and it will be an actual and legit book soon enough.
My friends and my community are about the best people in the whole entire world and they make my day to day a better place to exist. I couldn’t have made it past all those dark days without the support from all of you, my dearest community. You lifted me up out of the trenches time and again and I owe my everything to you. You’re all getting wine, tequila, after my book gets published and I can afford all that alcohol, but I can give you all tons of hugs in the meantime. *wink* I owe you the world for being so wonderful over these last, awful *almost* 6 months.
I cannot believe it’s been almost 6 months. Half a year already. Wow!
I feel like it was 5 years ago, though. Or, more accurately, an actual lifetime ago.
I have changed so much and I wouldn’t go back to who I used to be for a second. This new me is daring, spontaneous, and can’t be bothered to care very much about living the cautious life I once did.
This life is meant to be rocked. I’m grabbing the bull by its horns and hanging on for dear life. I’m taking risks, both personally and professionally, that I would’ve only dreamed about in the past.
I’m open to the positive energy of my world and it’s being returned to me 100 fold.
I absolutely cannot wait to see where it takes me.
And I think this is all happening now because I’m finally listening. And not just to people’s words, but to their actions. One of my all-time favorite people, Maya Angelou, once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
I’m done jamming a square peg into a round hole just because I would prefer it if it fit.
I’m listening. Carefully.
And remember when I had my epiphany that I am enough? And then, if you’ve been reading my blogs and following along, you’ve seen that it’s been a roller coaster of believing it and then having to convince myself all over again.
When someone behaved in a hurtful manner in the past, or in a way that I just didn’t really appreciate, I’d think to myself, “What did I do to make them behave in such a way?”
I’d blame myself. Fully. And then beat myself up for it over and over again.
I wouldn’t necessarily always reflect, either. I just owned the other person’s actions. Because, I thought, since I wasn’t ever enough for pretty much everyone, it seemed, it was obviously my fault. Obviously, an area where I was lacking was what caused them to become upset with me – or ignore me – or whatever negative action it was.
Now, though, it’s becoming like water off a duck’s back. I no longer take it personally. I know it’s not about me. Because if it were, and if it were a valuable relationship, and I did do something offensive, then I would be approached and a proper conversation would be had.
But proper conversations are not being had. So I know it isn’t about me. And I no longer question my worth over it. It’s not about me. Because now I know I’m enough. I know that I add value to other people’s lives. And I know where my heart is.
Guys, I actually and genuinely love myself. Every single bit of me. This might be the first time in my life where that statement is true.
It’s so freeing to feel so sure about myself. It’s so freeing to approach life with absolute fearless self-confidence that I am willing to take blind leaps of faith, both personally and professionally. Like opening a completely new business, independent of my successful academic support business. And to have so much self-assurance that it will absolutely be something that makes my heart swell with pride, just like my current business does.
There’s something to be said about living a truly authentic and fearless life. I am no longer guarded against the world. I’m not even jaded like I once was. I’m learning to not overthink situations. I’m learning that, in order to live honestly and purely, to truly absorb everything life could possibly be, you must be willing to humble yourself and open your heart.
Even if it means that leads to eventual pain.
I strongly believe that a painless existence is a safe, and therefore, boring one. I do not want to live a safe, guarded life, simply to protect myself from the potential of being hurt. I am embracing this life and all that comes my way.
Because everything just is. This moment. This breath. This is the only thing that is real. And not only am I learning how to accept that, I’m also fully understanding that people’s actions towards me oftentimes have very little to do with me.
And that’s just as equally freeing of a feeling. And maybe that’s part of why I am not worried about the potential inevitability of pain. I’m overcoming a double whammy of pain – that of loss and betrayal. And I’m understanding that what pushed my ex actually had quite little to do with me. I’m also fully accepting that this is all part of my journey. And I now know just how strong I can be.
I used to get so frustrated if someone didn’t behave in a manner I wanted, or hoped, they would. Now? Well, most days, at least: whatever. Seriously. I just don’t have time for that. I have no expectations that I place on others – because as a dear friend once told me, “Expectations are just future resentments.”
So, where I once hoped others would behave in a certain way, I no longer do that. They’re going to respond to life based on the baggage they are carrying around. And that’s not my problem, nor does it have anything to do with me or my self-worth.
Everyone has their own pile of shit. Life is hard. It’s hard for literally every single person I know. And we all deal with our “hard” in our own ways. No one individual’s “hard” is any harder than anyone else’s and no one way to trudge through it is better than another.
We are all just navigating through life, hanging on for our dear lives sometimes, all while carrying our baggage and smelling our pile of shit that permanently, or at least semi-permanently, lives in front of our faces. It’s impossible to ignore (though so many of us try, in vain, to pretend it doesn’t exist.).
We can try to re-frame the negative and use new phrases in order to replace the negative self-talk. We can re-train our brain and re-focus our mindsets. But we’re still going through our own storms. And our baggage will forever be a part of our story.
And that is absolutely okay. There is nothing wrong with that. Unconditional love and understanding for others is all we can give. I no longer feel like I have to harbor anger or resentment because it has nothing to do with me. Perhaps your bag is extremely large, heavy, and awkward to carry. Mine was, too, for a while. I’m not sure if it’s getting lighter, or if I’ve just developed a better system in order to carry it, but my baggage is no longer completely weighing me down like it once did.
Let me get a little more personal with you for a second: part of my baggage is that I love attention. I crave it. It feeds me. So, when I used to not receive the attention I so desired, I would take it personally. What is wrong with me? What did I do?
Perhaps I still default to that at times, but another thing I’ve been practicing is “the Pause.” I have been trying very hard to pause before I react. And in that moment, when I’m successful, I remember that it isn’t about me. The lack of action, the lack of attention, is not because I am not worthy of it. It is because of something within the other person. Perhaps they just need time to do their own reflecting. Perhaps they’re just busy. Perhaps they’re simply clueless. *smile* Perhaps they’re struggling with how to carry their own baggage. Perhaps it’s one of a million other reasons.
But it’s not because I’m not worth it.
Putting this epiphany that I had into actual practice has been so rewarding. I’m finally internalizing it. But because it’s a practice, I am by no means perfectly knocking it out of the park. Sometimes I react, and forget about the pause. Sometimes I default to wanting to immediately apologize for doing something wrong, even though I have no clue what I did wrong. And probably actually did nothing wrong.
But, now, more often than not, I sit back and remember that it’s not about me.
Before, when I hadn’t felt worthy, I lived guarded. Scared. Nervous. Filled with anxiety. I lived a life that lacked authenticity. And in all those moments, slowly and over a lot of time, I ended up losing who I genuinely was. I became this whole new person who would rather just keep quiet in the face of the verbal abuse, crying to my friends or silently by myself, and started to only see the worst that life could offer. Looking back at who I was, how I thought, the exhaustion and fear that took over my life, the changes occurring so slowly that I didn’t realize how bad it all was until I was able to look back at it from a distance…it just makes me sad.
I get that it’s been less than 6 months since my world changed forever and that, typically, is not viewed as very much time at all. But the personal growth has been unreal. I now have the ability, the self-confidence, to put into practice the actions that I feel will continue to lead me to living a truly authentic and free life. I speak with a blunt honesty that lightens my soul. Anyone who cares to listen, or read my blogs, sees the level of transparency with which I now choose to live my life.
And with this new heightened awareness and desire to live authentically, there have been noticeable physical changes, also.
My fingers, well, the cuticles around them, are almost completely healed now. This is huge, because the more anxiety, stress, and sadness that I feel, the more mangled they become. It is an outward sign of internal chaos and pain. The skin surrounding my nails has been destroyed for months, broken open and never having an opportunity to heal because I was so broken internally.
I no longer feel broken.
I no longer feel unworthy.
I have a greater understanding of who I am, what makes me happy, and exactly what dreams I want to pursue. I have no problems telling someone close to me that they upset me or how I want to be treated, and how they can show me that they value me. I no longer internalize it and worry about hurting their feelings for telling someone that they hurt mine.
I am choosing to live with the utmost transparency and it feels so good.
This transparency and authenticity is what is finally leading me down my “White Way of Delight.” I am, at long last, feeling as though who I am professionally and who I am personally are merging into one clearly defined soul.
I feel as though the colors in my world are glowing more brilliantly, my light is shining brighter, and the love that will eventually come into my life will be unlike anything I’ve experienced before.
Because now, finally, I am listening the first time and believing it. I am no longer willing to force anything. And I clearly see who I am, who I want to be, and I understand how to be fearless and free. And, goodness, it simply feels absolutely amazing!
**Side note and PSA**
I believe I need to credit my incredible therapist for getting me to this stage this “quickly.” At the beginning, I saw him weekly. We then spaced it out to every couple of weeks, then once every 3 weeks, and we recently made the transition to monthly appointments. Over time, we have developed a trusting relationship. Now, he really sees me and, therefore, calls me out when I need it. He’s been an extremely valuable resource on this journey and I have no plans on stopping our appointments. Especially if you are going through something, I highly recommend finding a professional to help you through it. Friends and your community will be your constants, of course, but nothing replaces a good mental health professional.
With my ex, I thought I had to work to prove my love to him. And I had to earn his love. And on the days where I didn’t earn it, it affected me in such a way that it made me wonder about my worth. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I get him to love me? What was wrong with me thatI wasn’t enough for him?
*sigh*
Because I haven’t held back yet, there’s no point in starting now. I’m going to get just a touch more vulnerable with you all and share a couple poems that I wrote on March 3 of this year, exactly 14 days before I found out he’d been living a double life.
Darkness
lonely soul, vacant eyes a stretched smile, nothing but a guise.
surrounded by love and support - except from The One, who tends to fall short.
rarely understood, no interest in chatting, she stands alone, her heart and mind combatting.
if hope exists, she doesn't quite see it. the baggage too great, the future dims - bit by bit.
can they hold on? how much longer? both want to love, but the heart must be stronger.
crowded life, full of joy. except from that one, special boy.
so her soul is tired. desperate and alone. her heart is heavy. she's worn to the bone.
with nothing at home to hold her close, she quietly slips away, unnoticed as she goes.
-KKC
That same night, I also wrote this one:
You
She's strong and broken, both happy and deeply pained. Buried and losing herself to this life, she feels chained.
She wants nothing more than authentic living, a heart that beats true. Moments spent with her best friend... If only it could be You.
-KKC
I share these with you because this is where my head and my heart were a mere 2 weeks before finding out about the nearly year-long series of betrayals. Our marriage hadn’t always been difficult, but the last 6 years or so were pretty awful. By March, I knew something was off. I knew that we were hitting an all-time low.
Undeniably, it shows in my poetry.
And yet, I was still blindsided when I’d found out. And the feelings of unworthiness intensified after March 17. My mindset was in a terrible place, as all those negative thoughts, all the self-defeating inner dialogues, were justified – surely I wasn’t enough if he’d been able to do that.
Now, here we are, after just about 5 and a half months, loads of self-reflection, conversation, and affirmation after affirmation from my dear community, and I find myself turning the page on this chapter and staring at the promise of a brand new chapter.
I’m so excited to see how this one unfolds.
I was talking with a friend last night and we got on the subject of being “enough” and “worth it.” This is a constant struggle because, while my logical brain can process that of course I’m enough (I’m a onehundo, right?), emotionally it is still something I struggle with from time to time. I’m quite sick of believing the lies my inner dialogue feeds me, so I’m processing through it as frequently as possible, so I can, at long last, shut them down.
I was asked why is it that I don’t feel like I’m enough? And, with a shrug, my response was, “Historically speaking, I haven’t been. So, clearly, I’m not.” Without skipping a beat, the next question that was thrown at me was, “And where is that history?”
I sighed, then laughed, and said that it’s in the past. “Exactly,” was the response. “It holds no validity in the present.” Which is exactly what my closest friends have been telling me for decades, what my current community of phenomenal friends tell me, what my therapist told me on Tuesday… You see what I’m getting at. Just because it may have been true in the past (and yes, it may have also not been true, but that isn’t the point here), it holds absolutely zero weight today.
My past does not define me. What I do in this moment does. And in this moment, I do feel like I’m enough. I feel like I’m living my most authentic life, chasing down dreams, living without fear, and taking care of myself in ways I’ve never prioritized before.
Yet, these last two months have been pretty terrible. I’ve felt like my roller coaster has been completely out of control. Going into these months, I told myself they were going to be hard. And guess what? They were. I wonder how much my mindset controlled the peaks and valleys these last two months?
Actually, I know exactly how much my mindset controlled every peak and especially every valley that I’ve gone through during July and August. *rolls eyes*
Yet, I’m grateful for the rough road I’ve traveled throughout the last 6 or so weeks. Without it, I don’t think I would’ve been given the opportunity to hear so many positive messages from my community that continues to rally around me, showing me true unconditional love. My friends have been flooding me with loving affirmations and without realizing it, have been helping me recreate my story and rewrite the narrative that is my internal dialogue. Just because I may have been unworthy in the past doesn’t make it valid today.
I’m finally listening. I feel like today, I finally took out the earplugs. The messages are coming through, loud and clear.
Who I am today is the only real version of me that exists. And this girl is enough. And I know it. I feel it. Down to my bones.
I’m finally living the authentic life I’ve longed for, the life I’ve so desired.
As I was driving around today, from one client’s home to another, I was listening to the playlist I started months ago (thanks to friends who recommended I have a playlist for that chapter of my life), and continuously add to, that is full of songs that represent my journey. It is quite the mix and it’s interesting to see how the song choices have evolved with the passage of time.
A relatively recent addition, “Undisclosed Desires” by Muse, came on, which I’ve listened to no less than 30 times, at this point. But today, I actually heard it. Honestly, in the last day or two, I feel like I’m finally listening and absorbing everything that has been falling on deaf ears for so very long.
The following section hit me today like I was listening to it for the very first time. This is what my community has done for me. Every single person who has been here for me since March 17, giving me their love in order to lift me up, has essentially been saying these words to me.
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask I want to exorcise the demons from your past
My community has rallied with such consistently positive and affirming language, that I am actually starting to believe them.
Without me realizing it, and quite possibly without my dear friends even realizing it, they have been, slowly but surely, exorcising the demons from my past. And I’m not just talking about the emotional damage from the catastrophe that occurred 5 and a half months or so ago. I’m talking about decades of damage that is finally beginning to be healed.
Hours after Muse’s song struck a chord deep within, when I was exhausted from the long and busy day and just about to get home, Kacey Musgraves’ song, “Rainbow,” came on. Now, I’ve probably listened to this song several hundred times. But like I’d already mentioned, the energy surrounding me today is distinctly different, and so, I just got it. And the tears flowed freely as I drove into my neighborhood.
When it rain it pours but you didn't even notice It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when all we know is The struggle of staying above, the rising water line
I’d been drowning. For months and months. My community has been filled with the most incredible life preservers, letting me hang onto them, even though I was probably almost drowning some of them from the weight of my chaos…but they never let me go.
They waited out the storm.
And for months, I just couldn’t look up. They told me, over and over, that:
...the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin' But you're stuck out in the same old storm again You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head.
But I just couldn’t. No matter how many times they told me to look up and fed me all the words of love I needed to hear, I couldn’t believe them. I was just too busy holding tight to my umbrella, weathering the storm that was in my head, trying to keep from drowning. I was in survival mode for a long time.
It was when I heard this bit, where I really started to lose it:
If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others So tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around.
Because now, as I look around, I see them.
Guys, in that moment when I was driving, I could see all the colors. And everything is just so beautiful and filled with light.
Today, I’m finally able to put my umbrella aside. I’m no longer drowning in my storm. And I am sensing all of the messages. I can see that the sky if finally open and:
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over (my) head It'll all be alright.
Some days you’re reminded of exactly who you are. Just how broken you really are. How much further you have to go. And you wonder if you’ll ever get “there.” To the place where you feel true contentment and peace.
I thought I was in a good place. I am strong. Blunt. Honest. Transparent. I self-reflect. A lot. I want to be a better me tomorrow than I was today.
And then something comes by while you’re walking this path to remind you that you aren’t exactly doing it right. What you’re presenting to the world doesn’t match with what is going on in the depths of your soul.
Because it is in those depths that a great void still exists. And I’m trying desperately to fill it. And the kicker is, I’m trying to fill it disingenuously. I’m stealing little bits of myself, sacrificing my authenticity, for just a moment, in order to try to fill the hole.
And do you know what’s left? A bigger hole. Because I stole from myself to try to fill it and just left myself more broken than when I started.
Or, at least, that’s how it feels.
This journey started 163 days ago. Just over 23 weeks. 5 months, 10 days.
Time is a funny thing. With each day that passes, I learn something new about myself. I have days where I feel like I could conquer the biggest obstacles in one fell swoop. There are others where merely opening my eyes is a feat all on its own.
The roller coaster is far from over. And that realization really sucks because I thought I was getting somewhere.
But it turns out, I’m just as defeated today as I was when I received that email on St. Patrick’s Day.
Perhaps this is it? Maybe this is just real life. There are days where you feel like a beast and nothing can tear you down. And then there are other days where you feel like you’ve taken a punch to the gut from the Hulk in full rage mode and it does so much more damage than just take your breath away.
Does this happen to you? And if so, how do you not feel like a fraud on your strong days? Because you’re reminded, on the not so great ones, just exactly how weak you really are.
Days like today I truly hate him. And I hate myself for allowing him to tear me down, piece by piece, over so many years. Sometimes, the extent of the damage from his awful words sucker punches me. His venom was sprinkled over me like such a fine mist that I barely realized the destruction that was happening within. After years and years, that fine mist added up to something much more like a dense fog. And I’m still trying to fight my way out of it.
But at least I’m fighting.
I know I’m shattered. I know my pieces are so destroyed that they’re barely recognizable and incredibly difficult to try to put back together. But piece by piece, I’m putting myself back together. In these moments, the ones that suck, is where my growth occurs. I stare at the pieces of my soul, scattered and shattered, that were left behind after the catastrophe blew up my world, and am completely overwhelmed by the destruction.
And then I’ll take a breath. Remind myself of exactly who I am. And garner the strength to put myself back together again.
Piece by piece.
All the while trying to give myself grace. Because this is going to take some time.
Each and every blog I’ve written has been written in the raw moments of the intense emotions storming inside of me. I haven’t filtered my pain. I’ve been open and vulnerable to the blank page before me – and to all of you.
As a verbal processor, it has helped me work through whatever emotions I was feeling at the moment and by the end of each blog, I’ve, for the most part, felt better.
But once I’ve written them, I let them go. I haven’t gone back and read any of my blogs.
Until tonight, that is.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to, really. But for some reason, I’ve been in this challenging head-space lately. It’s even gotten to the point where it’s affecting my workouts, which has been super frustrating. Something has to change. I have to get my mindset right again.
So tonight, I decided to read the first few blogs, from the beginning. And you know what? I am not that person anymore. I’ve felt the change. I’ve known that I’ve blossomed into this different woman. But reading how I thought I should’ve behaved immediately afterwards blows my mind.
I needed to look back in order to move forward and I’m grateful I have the opportunity to do just that, thanks to these blogs.
Back then, I wanted to choose to act with class and to give my ex the grace he didn’t deserve. That was important to me. In those first weeks, that turned into that first month, I was hoping to be an example for my daughter in how you deal with pain. And I thought there was a “right” way to show her how it all should be processed.
I no longer believe that.
I have absolutely yelled at my ex in front of her. I have gotten angry and frustrated and slammed doors with such intensity that I thought perhaps I’d broken them. (I haven’t.)
But I haven’t punched a wall again. So, that’s a win. *smile*
Because I promise you that I have wanted to. So. Many. Times.
And I don’t think it’s wrong to show my daughter that a person can feel such intense anger. It’s real life. For years now, she has experienced the exact same intense anger where she yells – no, screams – at the top of her lungs and throws things and wants to shred things with her teeth and her little fists ball up and she shakes and she just wants an outlet…just like me when I get mad at her daddy. And then, when her anger subsides, her and I discuss it. Calmly. Rationally. And we hug it out.
Now, I don’t hug it out with my ex, but I do apologize to my daughter when she sees me get that angry. And she understands. Because she has that emotion, too.
I’m at a point now where I really don’t care about giving my ex grace or treating him in any special way for my daughter. He’s just there, the father of my daughter, and someone I have to interact with to go over the details of her life. At this point, it doesn’t need to be anything more than that. Calm and civil co-parenting is the current goal. Perhaps someday in the future, we’ll be friends. For now, I’m just not ready yet. Sasha Sloan says it best in her song Ready Yet:
I just want the bad feelings to end But there's some shit I can't forget I don't think I'm ready yet Hit me up another time Maybe one day I'll change my mind You know that I just wanna be your friend again But there's some shit I can't forget I don't think I'm ready yet
Too much has happened, too much has been said, so many ridiculously challenging moments have been had in the last 5 months for me to think like I did in those first few weeks after receiving the email.
And he’s surely not as filled with humility like he was at the beginning, either. Which has been challenging for me to deal with, though, I am starting to be able to let that go. So, my daughter sees a vast array of emotions. And we talk about them. I’ve been really quite sad the last couple days. And she barely acknowledges my tears anymore. Not out of a lack of empathy, because she is such a compassionate and sweet soul. But more because she is so used to it. She kind of looks at me sweetly, but then carries on with whatever she was doing in the moment. Because it’s normal.
Emotions are normal. Feeling sad or angry is normal. Feeling happy and laughing is normal. I’m showing her that it’s okay to feel whatever it is she’s feeling. It’s all exactly as it should be.
And maybe that’s a much more valuable lesson?
Through natural conversation, the topic of future step-parents being in her life was brought up. I told her that I would never bring a step-dad into her life that wasn’t an exceptional human…that didn’t cherish both her and I. I told her that if someone were to be a part of our lives like that, it’s because he’d be out of this world and nothing less. And she smiled. And then, with a smirk, she reminded me of her one requirement, that she stated *I think* the day we told her we were separating, or within the first few days, at least. She wants to call her future step-daddy (and step-mommy) “Poopy Head.” I told her that if someone were to be in our lives playing such an important role, he’d absolutely be someone with a sense of humor and would have no problems with his new nickname. And she giggled.
I think these kinds of conversations are healthy and needed – and significant. They are never forced and come about only when she asks questions. I think, a necessary part of giving someone grace, is turning a blind eye to what they did. I don’t want my daughter to ever deny her emotions in order to make someone else feel less rotten about themselves. I am not sorry for my emotions. And I don’t try to hide them. Throughout this whole process, I’ve been an open book. And she has seen me process and battle all along the way.
So this week that she has been with me, she has seen her fair share of my sadness. And we’ve shared happy moments, as well. For example, when she asked me yesterday if I’d gotten any new clients yet, and I told her I had, she got so excited for me. And she was proud of me because it’s this early in the school year and I already have new clients. And, on a different day, she asked me about my day before I even had a chance to ask her about her’s. She cares. She’s thoughtful, She’s so considerate and kind.
It’s been over 5 months since her daddy and I split and just about 2 months since she’s been going back and forth in between two homes. And, while she still has moments where she asks why we can’t get back together (where I honestly respond that there are some things you just can’t come back from, and she seems satisfied with that answer thus far), she is a resilient little soul who is doing just fine. Despite seeing her mommy’s raw emotions. Or maybe it’s in spite of them.
She is thriving. And so am I.
And as I wrote that last sentence, I smiled. Because I believe it again. I haven’t felt it for a few days now. I just haven’t felt right within my world. I think looking back at those first few initial blogs helped me achieve the perspective I needed. I’ve come a long way. And yes, I have a long way to go. Significant personal growth continues to lie ahead in my future. And, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I have undergone a monumental transformation over the last 157 days.
I really enjoy who I am now, especially when the clouds part from overhead and I can see myself clearly. Fearless. Authentic. And ready to explore all the possibilities that now lie along my path.
You know, writing is the most incredible outlet for me. I started this blog tonight feeling so defeated and just kind of beat up. Writing reminded me that my daughter is both healthy and rocking the heck out of her life. She is thrilled about the adventures on her path. She is getting braver (she just told me she wants to be an actress, which is huge, because she’s always been so shy!) and I am going to take a bit of that credit. She is seeing her mama live fearlessly and chase down opportunities that once scared me silent. And she wants to do the same.
So, it’s been just a bit more than 5 months since catastrophe struck our home, and I am now able to clearly see that my daughter and I are absolutely nailing the heck out of this life we’ve been thrown into.
Okay. Not like I ever really sugar coat things, but this one is going to be pretty vulnerable. *sigh*
I just don’t get it. I felt so cheerful and optimistic when I wrote my last blog. I felt so high, so much like, “I’ve got this! This new life is amazing!! The world is my oyster!!!” And then, the last few days have felt so heavy. A quick nosedive into “bleh.” This roller-coaster is so not predictable. It sucks.
And I don’t really know why these emotions of mine tanked.
At the risk of sounding terribly cocky, I know I’m a gem. I know that I’m ambitious and smart and fit and pretty. I know that I’m a catch. I also know that my downfalls are that I’m stubborn and require a fair amount attention/validation. And when I’m not getting that validation, I end up having endless arguments within my head that I’m being ridiculous and I don’t need external validation. But I sure want it! And I repeat, over and over to myself, that I am wonderful. I’m a gem! And that I know I am wonderful so who cares if nobody else tells me that I’m wonderful?! And then the argument with myself ends because I either realize in that moment that yes, I am a badass or there’s no point in arguing anymore because I just can’t convince myself.
And then I have moments like this morning, where I still find myself crying at the gym. So many tears have been shed there!
15 minutes before this picture was taken, tears were freely falling. Here, we’re all smiles, ready to take on Round 2 of a killer workout at F45 and get those endorphins flowing. I’m super grateful for my gym bestie!!
Today, at the very end of my workout, new tears were shed because Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” came on during the last station, when I’m in a plank, physically exhausted, and walloping my arms as hard as I can into a fake body thing. She sings,
My power's turned on Starting right now I'll be strong I'll play my fight song And I don't really care if nobody else believes 'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
And I cry…because it makes me feel like a fraud. Because days like today I just don’t feel like I’m strong or that I have any fight left in me. So the tears flow.
Some days I feel so tenacious and determined. And I know the world is my oyster and yadda, yadda. But then there are days like the last couple where I can’t snap out of the funk and it all feels too heavy. And all I want is a partner to remind me of how amazing I am. And then I want to believe it.
How can I fully grasp that I am this wonderful being AND still struggle with needing validation?
Look, I am a logical person. So, I start to reflect and really wonder where this is coming from. Have I always been someone who requires validation? (Friends who’ve known me for most of my life, or even for a while, reach out to me and tell me, please.) Or is this part of the aftermath because my ex stopped choosing me? Stopped fighting for me? And ultimately made the decision to throw me away?
I know why he says he made those choices. Because I was a crappy wife. I know why I was a crappy wife. Because I was treated awfully.
It was a terrible cycle that just spiraled out of control.
And, at the end of it, his choices still caused me feel as though I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t worth anything.
But I had my epiphany, right? I know I’m enough now. And I honestly do believe it.
So why do I feel like such a fraud still?
It’s beyond frustrating.
While a friend was reading my blog from the other day, he wrote me and said the sweetest things, validating me.
"You couldn't have said it any better. You are MORE than enough. Never let anyone tell you different. And I wouldn't call you a dime...more like a onehundo (that's slang for a one hundred dollar bill, people).
A dime can be easily lost, but losing a onehundo would feel like the end of the world."
Umm, yeah. That was so incredibly powerful to read. Especially the last line. My heart absolutely melted. It was exactly what I wanted, and perhaps even needed, to hear. I’ve read his words about 50 times, easily, in the last 2 days, to remind myself that what I feel is real.
I am the gem that I think I am. You should be sad if I’m not in your life. *shrug* While it’s hard to fully internalize it, I logically know that I am all these great and wonderful things. There are just some days where it’s a bit harder to fully own it, I guess.
It’s confusing and frustrating, though. How can you believe something about yourself and still argue with yourself that it’s real??? Why do I still feel like a complete fraud? I have to believe that this is a residual mess from the way my marriage ended.
Hmm, maybe that is it…
Perhaps it’s because actions speak louder than words. And in my reality, his actions were loudly and clearly that of someone who believed his wife wasn’t “enough.” So, while I know that I am enough, I also know that I wasn’t enough. At least, not as a partner. Not as a wife. Because if I had been, he would’ve fought for me, right?
Argh, even as I type that I know that to be untrue. I can’t absorb his fault. There’s never a good reason to do what he did.
But now that’s my baggage to carry, I guess. For the moment, at least. Until there’s a way to process this all out. It may take another opportunity to be in a relationship and see what kind of partner I can be. I’m not sure when or how I’ll let that baggage go, but I know I eventually will because my confidence is pretty great in all other facets of my life and I’m sure it’ll overpower these negative feelings eventually.
So maybe it’s not that I should feel like a fraud so much. Perhaps it’s more that I have yet to prove it to myself that I can be “enough” as a partner. Because no matter how much I logically understand that his choices during the last year of our marriage have very little to do with me, I still can’t help but internalize his words, that he’s repeated over and over, reminding me time and again, that it’s my fault.
But now, when those arguments inside my head happen, when I start absorbing the blame and questioning my abilities to be a worthy partner, I at least have the words quoted above, and of so many of my other friends, to fall back on. I keep saying that I’m going to write down each positive message that I’ve received from friends and stick them on a board or something, so I can see them every day and be reminded that plenty of other people think that I am enough.
So much weight shouldn’t be put on the actions from one person, especially when so many others negate it, except when that one person was someone you blindly loved and trusted with everything you had. The weight of that kind of betrayal, I’m finding, is quite challenging to fully dig out from. But I’m doing it, one pebble, one stone, one boulder at a time.
Because I am one incredibly resilient, beautiful badass. And I am enough – in all aspects. So I’ll keep smiling, keep living optimistically, authentically, and vulnerably, and I’ll remain open to possibilities and spontaneous adventure. And I know that one day down the road, someone will treasure me like the gem that I am. And, in turn, he will be adored.
Until then, I’ll keep fighting to stay strong. Because it is when I am strong that I remember that I am, in fact, a onehundo.
A Graceful Catastrophe 