I feel anxious. But not anxious bad. Excited anxious. Things firing all over the place anxious.
There is just so much going on right now, in all aspects of my life, and I feel like my world is exploding in an entirely different way than it did 169 days ago (yes, I’m still keeping count. I’m a numbers person. I like the data. *grin*). Like, fireworks exploding.
For years and years, I felt like I had 2 lives in one, and they were never jiving together. The professional side and the personal side. Usually, the reality was I’d be rocking it professionally but sucking at the personal side of life. And I was reminded, pretty frequently over the last 6 or so years, exactly how awful of a wife I was.
But I was killing it professionally. And as a mom. I just sucked as a wife.
But right now, today, the split road has joined into one, wide, beautiful road. I picture this road as the “White Way of Delight,” for all you Anne of Green Gables readers out there. My life is finally jiving in all aspects. Professionally AND personally. Fireworks!
Thinking about where my company is going to go over this next school year gets me so excited that I feel like my insides are literally buzzing. And then, one of my best friends and I are going into business, taking a giant leap of faith – together. And it’s going to be incredible. I can feel that in my bones, too. My book is already outlined out, I just have to start writing and it will be an actual and legit book soon enough.
My friends and my community are about the best people in the whole entire world and they make my day to day a better place to exist. I couldn’t have made it past all those dark days without the support from all of you, my dearest community. You lifted me up out of the trenches time and again and I owe my everything to you. You’re all getting wine, tequila, after my book gets published and I can afford all that alcohol, but I can give you all tons of hugs in the meantime. *wink* I owe you the world for being so wonderful over these last, awful *almost* 6 months.
I cannot believe it’s been almost 6 months. Half a year already. Wow!
I feel like it was 5 years ago, though. Or, more accurately, an actual lifetime ago.
I have changed so much and I wouldn’t go back to who I used to be for a second. This new me is daring, spontaneous, and can’t be bothered to care very much about living the cautious life I once did.
This life is meant to be rocked. I’m grabbing the bull by its horns and hanging on for dear life. I’m taking risks, both personally and professionally, that I would’ve only dreamed about in the past.
I’m open to the positive energy of my world and it’s being returned to me 100 fold.
I absolutely cannot wait to see where it takes me.
And I think this is all happening now because I’m finally listening. And not just to people’s words, but to their actions. One of my all-time favorite people, Maya Angelou, once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
I’m done jamming a square peg into a round hole just because I would prefer it if it fit.
I’m listening. Carefully.
And remember when I had my epiphany that I am enough? And then, if you’ve been reading my blogs and following along, you’ve seen that it’s been a roller coaster of believing it and then having to convince myself all over again.
When someone behaved in a hurtful manner in the past, or in a way that I just didn’t really appreciate, I’d think to myself, “What did I do to make them behave in such a way?”
I’d blame myself. Fully. And then beat myself up for it over and over again.
I wouldn’t necessarily always reflect, either. I just owned the other person’s actions. Because, I thought, since I wasn’t ever enough for pretty much everyone, it seemed, it was obviously my fault. Obviously, an area where I was lacking was what caused them to become upset with me – or ignore me – or whatever negative action it was.
Now, though, it’s becoming like water off a duck’s back. I no longer take it personally. I know it’s not about me. Because if it were, and if it were a valuable relationship, and I did do something offensive, then I would be approached and a proper conversation would be had.
But proper conversations are not being had. So I know it isn’t about me. And I no longer question my worth over it. It’s not about me. Because now I know I’m enough. I know that I add value to other people’s lives. And I know where my heart is.
Guys, I actually and genuinely love myself. Every single bit of me. This might be the first time in my life where that statement is true.
It’s so freeing to feel so sure about myself. It’s so freeing to approach life with absolute fearless self-confidence that I am willing to take blind leaps of faith, both personally and professionally. Like opening a completely new business, independent of my successful academic support business. And to have so much self-assurance that it will absolutely be something that makes my heart swell with pride, just like my current business does.
There’s something to be said about living a truly authentic and fearless life. I am no longer guarded against the world. I’m not even jaded like I once was. I’m learning to not overthink situations. I’m learning that, in order to live honestly and purely, to truly absorb everything life could possibly be, you must be willing to humble yourself and open your heart.
Even if it means that leads to eventual pain.
I strongly believe that a painless existence is a safe, and therefore, boring one. I do not want to live a safe, guarded life, simply to protect myself from the potential of being hurt. I am embracing this life and all that comes my way.
Because everything just is. This moment. This breath. This is the only thing that is real. And not only am I learning how to accept that, I’m also fully understanding that people’s actions towards me oftentimes have very little to do with me.
And that’s just as equally freeing of a feeling. And maybe that’s part of why I am not worried about the potential inevitability of pain. I’m overcoming a double whammy of pain – that of loss and betrayal. And I’m understanding that what pushed my ex actually had quite little to do with me. I’m also fully accepting that this is all part of my journey. And I now know just how strong I can be.
I used to get so frustrated if someone didn’t behave in a manner I wanted, or hoped, they would. Now? Well, most days, at least: whatever. Seriously. I just don’t have time for that. I have no expectations that I place on others – because as a dear friend once told me, “Expectations are just future resentments.”
So, where I once hoped others would behave in a certain way, I no longer do that. They’re going to respond to life based on the baggage they are carrying around. And that’s not my problem, nor does it have anything to do with me or my self-worth.
Everyone has their own pile of shit. Life is hard. It’s hard for literally every single person I know. And we all deal with our “hard” in our own ways. No one individual’s “hard” is any harder than anyone else’s and no one way to trudge through it is better than another.
We are all just navigating through life, hanging on for our dear lives sometimes, all while carrying our baggage and smelling our pile of shit that permanently, or at least semi-permanently, lives in front of our faces. It’s impossible to ignore (though so many of us try, in vain, to pretend it doesn’t exist.).
We can try to re-frame the negative and use new phrases in order to replace the negative self-talk. We can re-train our brain and re-focus our mindsets. But we’re still going through our own storms. And our baggage will forever be a part of our story.
And that is absolutely okay. There is nothing wrong with that. Unconditional love and understanding for others is all we can give. I no longer feel like I have to harbor anger or resentment because it has nothing to do with me. Perhaps your bag is extremely large, heavy, and awkward to carry. Mine was, too, for a while. I’m not sure if it’s getting lighter, or if I’ve just developed a better system in order to carry it, but my baggage is no longer completely weighing me down like it once did.
Let me get a little more personal with you for a second: part of my baggage is that I love attention. I crave it. It feeds me. So, when I used to not receive the attention I so desired, I would take it personally. What is wrong with me? What did I do?
Perhaps I still default to that at times, but another thing I’ve been practicing is “the Pause.” I have been trying very hard to pause before I react. And in that moment, when I’m successful, I remember that it isn’t about me. The lack of action, the lack of attention, is not because I am not worthy of it. It is because of something within the other person. Perhaps they just need time to do their own reflecting. Perhaps they’re just busy. Perhaps they’re simply clueless. *smile* Perhaps they’re struggling with how to carry their own baggage. Perhaps it’s one of a million other reasons.
But it’s not because I’m not worth it.
Putting this epiphany that I had into actual practice has been so rewarding. I’m finally internalizing it. But because it’s a practice, I am by no means perfectly knocking it out of the park. Sometimes I react, and forget about the pause. Sometimes I default to wanting to immediately apologize for doing something wrong, even though I have no clue what I did wrong. And probably actually did nothing wrong.
But, now, more often than not, I sit back and remember that it’s not about me.
Before, when I hadn’t felt worthy, I lived guarded. Scared. Nervous. Filled with anxiety. I lived a life that lacked authenticity. And in all those moments, slowly and over a lot of time, I ended up losing who I genuinely was. I became this whole new person who would rather just keep quiet in the face of the verbal abuse, crying to my friends or silently by myself, and started to only see the worst that life could offer. Looking back at who I was, how I thought, the exhaustion and fear that took over my life, the changes occurring so slowly that I didn’t realize how bad it all was until I was able to look back at it from a distance…it just makes me sad.
I get that it’s been less than 6 months since my world changed forever and that, typically, is not viewed as very much time at all. But the personal growth has been unreal. I now have the ability, the self-confidence, to put into practice the actions that I feel will continue to lead me to living a truly authentic and free life. I speak with a blunt honesty that lightens my soul. Anyone who cares to listen, or read my blogs, sees the level of transparency with which I now choose to live my life.
And with this new heightened awareness and desire to live authentically, there have been noticeable physical changes, also.
My fingers, well, the cuticles around them, are almost completely healed now. This is huge, because the more anxiety, stress, and sadness that I feel, the more mangled they become. It is an outward sign of internal chaos and pain. The skin surrounding my nails has been destroyed for months, broken open and never having an opportunity to heal because I was so broken internally.
I no longer feel broken.
I no longer feel unworthy.
I have a greater understanding of who I am, what makes me happy, and exactly what dreams I want to pursue. I have no problems telling someone close to me that they upset me or how I want to be treated, and how they can show me that they value me. I no longer internalize it and worry about hurting their feelings for telling someone that they hurt mine.
I am choosing to live with the utmost transparency and it feels so good.
This transparency and authenticity is what is finally leading me down my “White Way of Delight.” I am, at long last, feeling as though who I am professionally and who I am personally are merging into one clearly defined soul.
I feel as though the colors in my world are glowing more brilliantly, my light is shining brighter, and the love that will eventually come into my life will be unlike anything I’ve experienced before.
Because now, finally, I am listening the first time and believing it. I am no longer willing to force anything. And I clearly see who I am, who I want to be, and I understand how to be fearless and free. And, goodness, it simply feels absolutely amazing!
**Side note and PSA**
I believe I need to credit my incredible therapist for getting me to this stage this “quickly.” At the beginning, I saw him weekly. We then spaced it out to every couple of weeks, then once every 3 weeks, and we recently made the transition to monthly appointments. Over time, we have developed a trusting relationship. Now, he really sees me and, therefore, calls me out when I need it. He’s been an extremely valuable resource on this journey and I have no plans on stopping our appointments. Especially if you are going through something, I highly recommend finding a professional to help you through it. Friends and your community will be your constants, of course, but nothing replaces a good mental health professional.
A Graceful Catastrophe 