dreams – A Graceful Catastrophe

You know how some books have multiple parts? And, in between the chapters, when a new part is starting, there is a whole page, mostly blank, dedicated to that new beginning? And it says something like, Part 4 (or whatever) in big, bold font. But, then you have to actually turn the page to get to the new chapter?

That’s what I feel like right now. Today, actually. I’m in the “part page” of this incredible narrative that is my life. I know my previous chapter has fully ended. I have turned that page. And I thought the next page was taking me to a new chapter, but…it just doesn’t quite feel like it’s begun yet.

I feel a bit like I’m in limbo.

This new chapter does feel as though it is just about to begin. I have new endeavors beginning to blossom and wisps that were once merely ideas beginning to take shape. Possibly the proverbial “tomorrow” will bring it all more properly into focus.

Until then, I am trying hard to focus on today. On taking it all one day at a time. To be okay with just breathing in this moment. It’s so incredibly laughable, really. I’m literally sitting here, shaking my head at myself and chuckling. Just less than a year ago, I couldn’t even dream about thinking even one hour into the future. I was desperately treading water. Thrashing about, actually – and losing – as the waves crashed down upon me over and over, promising to drown me with the next one.

I had to concentrate wholly and completely on my breath…on this very moment. From one inhale…and then exhale, to the next breath in. While in survival mode, there was no opportunity to dream. All I saw in my future was a great, black abyss. My future couldn’t exist. And surely dreams were nothing I’d ever fathom of having again.

And then, one day, those great waves slowly settled from tsunami to rain storm to a gentle, rolling sea. The tides had turned. Life was filled with peace once again. And joy.

Which turned me back into a dreamer. I dreamed with enthusiasm once again. Freely. Well, for a while. But quite recently, it’s begun to feel wrong to dream without bound. Careless, even. Now, just before my dreams explode into the full color, high-def movie they once easily did, they seem to have a cloud shading them.

My dreams now come hesitantly. I begin to let my mind wander, hopeful about the future, lost in all the beauty that could be…and then I turn the corner and run smack into a wall filled with caution signs. I tell myself to slow down, to guard my heart, to proceed with great care. Because, as I’ve learned in previous chapters, there is significant pain as those dreams inevitably come to a very realistic end.

How can I turn the page into my newest chapter when the very fibers of my being are screaming at me to be wary?

For some time, I had to tell myself, deliberately and with tremendous focus, to fear less. I was quite scared of the world around me and fully believed I was incapable of facing all that was out there in this vast and wondrous world. With that intention, of purposefully fearing less, I became fearless. I stopped worrying what was around the corner because I knew, no matter what it was, that I could – and would – conquer it. I stopped behaving in a way where I had to prove to myself that I was enough because I just became enough. I knew I was capable. I knew I had the strength to conquer any challenge. I knew if I were defeated, it’d only be but for a moment, because I would rise again, more tenacious and determined than ever before.

I still know these things are true. I do not fear the pain when reality crumples up my dreams and spits them out.

I have started to understand, however, that to chase my dreams with such an open heart is rather foolish. I have prior knowledge that should not be dismissed. Previous chapters of this life have taught me some incredibly hard lessons. And I am finding that I cannot – should not – dream as I once did. Or live with such a pure and open heart anymore. It feels childish to do so.

And that is beyond frustrating to me. Because I’ve always been a free spirit. I don’t exactly want to live a guarded life. It’s just that right now, I feel that I’m supposed to.

Maybe this is why I felt compelled to write once again. Why I feel “in between” and unsettled. My story cannot continue to progress now because of these walls. They weren’t there before…I mean, I’d become fearless. But slowly but surely, these bricks are being cautiously laid, piled one on top of the other, cemented into place with the wisdom from my past that I’d been deliberately ignoring.

Which is another reason to focus, once again, on this breath. While I am no longer drowning, and the waves are no longer crashing violently upon me, I have the understanding that the only thing that is real is this very moment.

And don’t get me wrong, this moment is a lovely one, filled with opportunity. I am happy. I also have this great desire to take care of myself, to be cautiously optimistic, to dream…but to also see the clouds that hover ever ominously over those dreams.

There is always a storm I could get caught in, so why not just be ready and carry the umbrella?

Not terribly long ago, I thought that living at a distance from your self, walled behind protection from your true feelings, was living a disingenuous life. Living a lie. Now, though, I don’t quite agree with myself anymore. Perhaps that security is more wise than I used to think. Just like I wouldn’t drive without the safety of a seat belt, I think one can still live a fully authentic life and be guarded. The seat belt doesn’t prevent you from reaching your destination, it just provides an extra safety net to ensure you get there without great harm. It isn’t so much fearing the inevitable fall into the painful existence that accompanies shattered dreams, but being aware the fall could come and, therefore, preparing the landing a bit so you don’t get so hurt.

People all around me live carefully and have their guards properly in place. Perhaps it’s time I ought to, as well.

In approximately 6 hours from the time I am writing these first words, it will have been 5 months since I received an email that changed my life.

153 Days.

I used to call it a catastrophe. I suppose, by definition, it still is.

However, I now view that email as the greatest shove into opportunity that I have ever received.

I was in an unhappy marriage. I felt stuck. I hadn’t given it my all to make it work, so I couldn’t justify leaving. We have a daughter, so that complicated everything. Or so I thought.

I am stubborn.

And…

I do not quit.

I don’t run away from things. So, in a crappy marriage I stayed, with virtually daily phone calls to my best friend, complaining about how miserable I was. Almost daily phone calls for years, guys. Years and years and years. Very few people knew what took place behind the scenes. Very few people, even now, fully grasp how ugly it was. I didn’t even understand the extent at which I was broken. It was my normal. Hindsight, though, shows me that who I was in that marriage was a byproduct of how I was treated. I just didn’t see that then. I thought that was who I was. Cautious. Scared, really. Neurotic. Worried about every tiny little thing. A catastrophizer.

Wow.

But this is how I, slowly and without even realizing it, got there…

How do you frequently hear that you add such little value as a wife and not let that get internalized and become something so much greater than that? I decided I had to work harder to seek out everyone else’s validation and approval so that I could be enough in some capacity of my life. Because it was made abundantly clear that I was not enough at home.

I upped my effort and it paid off. I became an incredible mom, raising a little human into somebody who already adds value to society. And I got positive feedback from my efforts. Our bond grew tighter and we are still exceptionally close.

I also doubled my efforts as a teacher and became highly respected at my school. My students, the families, the other teachers, and my admin valued my input. They listened to my thoughts and opinions when I spoke them aloud (a novel concept that rarely occurred at home). They sought me out for advice.

But at home, when I tried, it went unnoticed. The message of not being enough was on repeat. My efforts there were overlooked and disregarded. I was frequently reminded of how awful of a wife I was. Right in front of my face, other women on the street stole his glances (ha! long stares, really), rather than him being blinded by pure love for me. I wasn’t enough. I was worth so little, in fact, that it didn’t matter to him that he did those things blatantly and right in front of me. And then, my own perceived value as a wife, and therefore, as a woman, slowly waned.

Over the years, I internalized it. I wasn’t enough. If I wasn’t “enough” at home, then how could I be enough for anyone – even myself. So, that black cloud hung over my head, creating this persona that had to hyper plan everything and fear the worst, because surely since I was such a failure as a wife, I must also be on the verge of failing everywhere else, too.

That is who I was for at least the last 6 years. And who I absolutely was 153 days ago. A beaten down version of myself. Guys, I seriously entertained the idea about taking him back! I didn’t value myself enough to fully believe in myself and walk away.

Well, until there was a breaking point and I filed straight away the next day. But that’s another story for another day. It might even be in an earlier blog, I cannot recall…

But now? Ha ha! I had my epiphany and I see my worth. And being “enough?” Psh, I am way more than enough.

Now? Man, oh, man… Now I know who I am. And watch out, world, because as my friend worded it on our way to volleyball yesterday in the car, I’m a dime.

I. Am. A. Dime.

And I know it. Now, boy, do I ever know it.

And nobody can take that from me ever again. If you don’t see my value in your world, then that is just fine. I get it now. It’s not about me. It’s about you. You don’t have to like peaches. (Hmm, I’d thought I’d written about that, too. But, in a nutshell, it’s a reference to my favorite quote: You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the orchard, and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.) It’s not up to me to change to fit your definition of who I should be, who is enough for you. I am enough just the way I am. If you don’t like me, then that is about you, not me. I get that now. I’m done taking it personally. It was never about me not being enough. (Oh, found it. Looks like I wrote all of this same type of stuff a week ago here. This topic has been a hot one for me lately.)

I wouldn’t be where I am today, with all this potential that lies before me, had I not received that email 5 months ago.

Five months. *shaking my head* Goodness, it feels as though that was a lifetime ago. And I suppose, in many ways, it was.

Without that woman having the courage to write me, I would still be questioning my self-worth. I would still be relatively unhappy.

Today, there is so much excitement in my life. Gah! There’s a whole load of things to be excited about. My energy is radiating happiness and my heart is open to being vulnerable.

My life has not aligned, professionally and personally, for years. Typically, things were wonderful professionally speaking and kind of, meh, personally speaking.

Not anymore. I am excited about both my professional and personal future. I have magnificent and fantastic dreams for me professionally that I am actively chasing down. Dreams that mesh perfectly with my many passions. Dreams that are realistically attainable. Actions in hot pursuit of those dreams that are pulling me in several different directions and keeping me awake at night from the buzz of the potential. It’s exhausting and exhilarating.

I am excited to live this life! Just a short time ago, I’d written that I wanted to fast forward and that I didn’t want to live this life that was unfolding. I am so grateful for the last 153 days and every single thing that occurred during them. They have meticulously molded this being into who I am today. And I love her.

I fully grasp the idea that when you live, especially when you live out loud and without fear, as I do now, a potential side effect of living like that is pain. I know I may get hurt again. I also know that if I don’t allow myself to be open to that possibility, I will miss out on the opportunity to truly live – and to be loved and cherished. I want to be treasured by another. I want to feel adored. I am looking forward to being able to shower someone with my love and know that he appreciates everything I have to give. I look forward to the chance at being in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, where we push one another to grow and become better versions of who we were yesterday. And because I know now that I am enough, I will never settle for anything less than a partner that elevates me and treats me as I truly deserve.

I love that I now realize that nobody defines my worth for me anymore. I am healthier, and stronger, now than I have ever been before: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I am a dime and watch out, world, because there is no stopping me now.

Yet, I can’t say that I am healed. 153 days surely doesn’t seem like that much time. But, I have grown exponentially. I have had so many epiphanies and have learned a great deal on this journey thus far. Honestly, it feels as though a fire is burning within, burning so brightly that my spark could never be dulled by another again.

I’m filled with light. With gratitude. With vulnerability. With understanding.

This phoenix is rising from her ashes and cannot wait to fearlessly conquer her world. And I am more ready than ever to add color and beauty to whatever shall cross my path.

153 days. Of pain. Of agony. Of tears. Of defeat. All to lead me to where I am today.

I am a dime. And now I know it.

Tag: dreams

Unsettled

153 Days