Tag: freedom

life, love

What Catastrophe

A Graceful Catastrophe

This journey is interesting. Life, in general, is simply unpredictable chaos. I am learning how to “ride the wave,” to “roll with the punches,” to try desperately to “keep from drowning” and hold my “head above the water”, fighting fiercely to keep my wits about me as I am buckled into this roller coaster, gripping the handles so tightly that my knuckles are white, just so that I don’t fall out, crashing and spiraling back to the ground.

All of the idioms fit. *chuckles*

I’ve come so far in the nearly 6 months since I first found out about my ex’s mountains of betrayals. And I can honestly say that I am finally rising above the catastrophe that the email I received on St. Patrick’s Day sparked. I find that I am being more intentional with whom I am seeking connection and conversation. I’m being drawn to people who challenge me in a multitude of ways, but mostly who challenge my mind. My responses are respectfully questioned, forcing me to analyze that which I feel strongly about, to justify why I think it, or to finally decide that my thoughts are flawed and I ought to re-evaluate my opinions. In short, these people are helping me to grow, to become a better me, and to better understand exactly who I am.

While it’s incredibly difficult, and at times exhausting, it’s refreshing. My ex-husband didn’t push me to be a better person. We didn’t have the deep and meaningful conversation that prompted the levels of introspection necessary to increase self-awareness and achieve personal growth. We didn’t live in the type of safe place, filled with mutual respect, where he could kindly call me out and help me consider different perspectives. Our relationship was volatile, our communication dismal. We just weren’t good partners for one another and I think a lot of that is because we weren’t good for ourselves.

This is a problem I never want to have again. Wait, let me re-word that. This is a problem I will never have again. So I am choosing to continue pursuing opportunities and connections that will help me to not only continue to heal my soul, but to also grow emotionally.

I came into our relationship with a lot of baggage. And so did he. We both still have our baggage but I can say mine is getting easier to carry. I am understanding myself in ways I never have before. And I can feel a different type of deep peace within. Guys, it’s incredible to live without the weight of all those bricks that have been piled on me for decades…for far longer than just my ex being in my life. For the most part, I feel quite calm, which is at the same time exhilarating, because I cannot recall the last time I felt this level of composed tranquility.

Sure, sometimes life gets stressful – and heavy – but I’m learning to see it all in a different perspective and I haven’t been lingering in that negative space like I used to. I am so much stronger – in mind, body, and spirit – and, therefore, far healthier now. If life gets heavy, I have the strength and ability to climb back up out of the trenches much quicker than before. I just see things differently. I feel things with far less drama than I once did. And the most important lesson I’ve learned over the last 6 months is that “it” isn’t about me. I very rarely hear the self-defeating, negative self-talk anymore. Now, more often than not, I shrug my shoulders and understand it’s “not my circus,” as the saying goes.

The way I am intentionally choosing to live isn’t exactly easy, but it isn’t hard, either. It’s a choice. A conscious decision. And that, is the hardest part. Sometimes, a lot of times, it’s so easy to simply react to what life throws at us, to snap back at another, whose words or actions trigger us, to respond carelessly and thoughtlessly. It just happened again today, with my ex, of course. But it wasn’t as bad as it was, say, 3 months ago. So, I guess that’s progress.

But none of that is classy. Or graceful. Since the beginning of this journey, that has been my ultimate goal. And it feels like I take 1 step forward, then 2 steps back again. Yet, I’m constantly reflecting. I’m working on “the pause.” (I suck at it, but I’m working on it.) I am becoming more aware of tiny shifts within – I feel the changes occurring so quickly that it’s like I blink and I’m somebody slightly different than I once was. I have hope that one day, I will be able to mostly control my behavior – especially when I am triggered.

To choose to live authentically and intentionally means that the road is going to be a challenging one. But it’s so worth it. I read a line from an Instagram post by createthelove that hit home – especially because of where my life is today. He said, “when space is created in our lives, it allows other people and experiences to enter. Your greatest moments are waiting, you just need to let go of the ones which have already passed.”

Which is why it’s pointless for me to continue allowing myself to be triggered by my ex. For what? His actions have created a space that I am now grateful for, one where I have experienced more personal growth than I ever could’ve had with him by my side. I now have a life where I can focus on that personal growth, on chasing experiences that will simultaneously fill my soul and open my eyes to realities I never knew could exist. I have opportunity now. And more time and energy to purse those experiences that come with this newfound opportunity.

But I’m trying to be careful now. I quite strongly believe that the energy you put out into the universe is exactly what will be returned back to you.

Intentionality. Grace. Class. Love. Authenticity.

That’s what I want to project out there, regardless of how another treats me. I want to practice it so frequently that it becomes imprinted on my soul and becomes as natural as breathing.

Another Instagram post that hit home is from mindfulmft. Vienna Pharaon said, “ask yourself this: Is what I’m about to say or do going to lead me to peace or suffering? (and then adjust accordingly)” She then went on to say, “We either move towards suffering or we move towards peace. We move towards chaos or we move towards freedom. We move towards pain or we move towards healing. This or that.”

Simple. This. Or that.

We have the choice. I have the choice. Do I want to bring this into my life, or that? I know one thing for certain – I want to live as an example for my daughter, and anyone else who happens to be watching, as someone who makes the conscious decision to chase peace and healing, and to pursue the freedom that comes with being in complete control of my actions and, my biggest struggle, my reactions.

I owe that to all my relationships, present and future.

This journey has been far from simple. There have been moments where I literally didn’t know how I would be capable of taking my next breath. The pain was undefinable. The destruction catastrophic.

But looking back, now with a bit of distance, I can see the bigger picture. It’s not the destruction I thought it was when it was merely inches from my face. Perhaps I don’t have a bird’s eye view quite yet, but from this distance, I see that my ex’s actions started a chain reaction that actually cleared my path, allowing the sun to fully shine down, erasing the shadows I once lived beneath. And now? I’m lifting my face to the glorious light, allowing the healing warmth to flood my soul, as I feel serenity and contentment slowly replace anger and anguish.

Personal growth can be painful. But for right now, it mostly feels like freedom.

My shell cracked on March 17, 2019 at 6:08 pm. Over the next several months, everything spilled out. I felt utterly destroyed. Now, 3 days shy of 6 months later, I understand that it wasn’t destruction. It was freedom. And now, I am blooming.
life, love

That’s MY Remote

A Graceful Catastrophe

So, if you’ve been following my blog, this won’t come as a surprise to you.

I’m filled with rage.

But, it’s just sitting there, simmering, so it’s not always obviously present.

Until I get triggered.

My biggest trigger is when my ex says things like, “I would’ve never cheated if you’d been a better wife.”

Guys, I go from zero to a million. Like that. *snaps fingers*

When I went to see my therapist earlier this week, I asked for help to control my anger. I hate that I’m living with such a terrific loathing towards him. I also can’t stand that I give him the power to illicit such pure wrath towards him.

I need to figure it out. Perhaps I cannot forgive him…yet, but I can learn how to release my anger. I have to.

So, I have to learn how to take my power back.

I had absolutely no clue how to do that.

And then my therapist explained it to me. And things started to make sense.

I’ve already re-framed his betrayal as an opportunity for me, for a new and improved life. So, what does it matter that he blames me for cheating? He betrayed me, over and over, for almost a year. That is a fact. It led to our separation. Another fact. Which has led me to living fearlessly and with more raw honesty than ever before, while chasing down adventures, and being given occasion after occasion to explore the world around me.

I’m living my best life.

I’m meeting people I never would’ve met before.

I’m smiling genuine smiles and getting butterflies in my belly from excitement and anticipation.

Life is good.

So, as my therapist literally gave me the remote control back to hold, I realized I should no longer give him permission to push my buttons. Those are mine to hold onto. And I get to choose which buttons are pushed.

I’m holding the remote now.

The other thing he told me was to focus on something else, so it gives my cortisol a chance to lessen again. Well, that was easy. The mountains bring me peace. And so does music.

Do you remember the scene in the Sound of Music where Julie Andrews is dancing and twirling amongst the mountains and singing? Yep. That’s where my mind goes. Except it’s me, twirling and dancing around the open field near A-frame on the hike up Pike’s Peak. (It’s beautiful there.)

And I smile.

Okay, I don’t smile on my face, because I’m pretty sure that’d just make me look crazy when my ex is sitting there gaslighting the heck out of me. So, I smile in my head. As I spin and twirl and sing, “The hiiiilllllllls are alive, with the sound of muuuuuusiiic….”

So, I’m learning how to manage my anger. I had a wonderful opportunity just yesterday, on our daughter’s first day of school, as he sat next to me in the car (she’d asked us to ride together as a family to take her to school, so I, of course, obliged), raising his voice and making all sorts of demands.

One of the demands? He wants to censor my blog. That’s a tough one.

“The hiiiilllllllls are alive, with the sound of muuuuuusiiic….”

I should not be silenced.

But I digress.

So, the remote is in my hand. He doesn’t get to push my buttons anymore. My anger is dissipating and I keep remembering what a wonderful opportunity he has given me.

One day, I will be treasured by a man. Someone who sees my worth and lives in astonishment that I am his. And I will adore him right back. I know what love is – and what love isn’t. I will not fall victim to gaslighting or narcissism again. My eyes are open and my level of awareness is at an all-time peak. And I know what I want and I won’t settle for less.

The sense of freedom and weightlessness of this new life is incredible.

So, with all of these wonderful and exciting details in my life to live, why harbor such toxicity?

I shall not. And I will not. Because I own this remote and I’m never giving it to him again. (Or to anyone else.)

And when he tries to take it from me? I’ll smack his hand and start to sing at the top of my lungs, figuratively speaking, of course, because it’s really all in my head, “The hiiiilllllllls are alive, with the sound of muuuuuusiiic….”

life, love

Only the Beginning

A Graceful Catastrophe 
 How long can you wait for the one you deserve?
Light on, never let it out, never let it out
If I'm gone, if you ever leave I hope that you learn
To fight on, to fight on

Don't tell me this is all for nothing
I can only tell you one thing
On the nights you feel outnumbered
Baby, I'll be out there somewhere

I see everything you can be
I see the beauty that you can't see
On the nights you feel outnumbered
Baby, I'll be out there somewhere 

- Outnumbered
Dermot Kennedy

As much as I’d like to think that I’m hardened against the world and I’m protecting my heart from any kind of future pain, I just cannot deny who I am.

I am a hopeless romantic.

I always have been. Now I know I always will be. If this catastrophe (and yes, you lovelies that continue to read my blog, cringe all you want at that word, that’s exactly what occurred in my life 130 days ago, by definition. And hey, thanks for being a reader, by the way! *wink*) didn’t break me from believing true and beautiful love exists, that someone will treasure me and respect me one day, then nothing will. It’s who I am to my core, I guess, a beautifully naive and hopeless romantic.

It’s one part of my essence that was not altered. And I’m truly grateful for it.

But, it means that I cry whenever I hear this song. Like, ugly cry. It doesn’t matter where I am, or what I’m doing, if I hear this song, it’s over.

Because I want so desperately to believe it’s true.

So many of my nights, I feel outnumbered. I feel the weight of this chapter putting so much pressure on me that it physically affects me. And some days – goodness, so many days – it takes all my energy just to stay upright.

Since hearing this song, though, my perspective is starting to shift slightly. When it all feels so heavy that I just don’t want to get out of bed, I now think of these lyrics. Somebody out there is meant for me. And he will help to remind me of who I am on the dark days that I forget.

How long can I wait for the one I deserve?

A lifetime, if I have to.

I’m on a path I never expected to be on, really. Our marriage was crap for a long time, I just never thought it’d ever really end. I figured we’d finally decide to fight for it. And when I did, it was too little, too late. He was already long gone – I just hadn’t realized it yet.

So now, I have this journey to go on that I’ve finally started to embrace. I mean, it is what it is, so may as well make the best of it. So, now, my philosophy is: if it makes me nervous, I say yes. If I hesitate for any reason, I know that I must jump in with both feet and I muster all the energy and confidence I have to actually go through with it. But I do it.

And because this is now my attitude, amazing things have happened! I’ve met the most incredible people and have had the loveliest of connections. I’ve gone on midnight motorcycle rides that have taken me places I’ve never been, hiked a mountain with strangers, some of whom became people I want to learn as much about as I can and would be so sad if they weren’t in my life anymore, and I’ve had countless other encounters that have filled my soul.

And this is only the beginning.

One of my favorite things about this journey so far is that I’ve learned that people are good. Honestly. I learned that. I used to be so skeptical and ready to mistrust. Now, I have this incredibly beautiful faith in humanity once again.

My energy is changing and it’s changing for the better. This whole attitude of saying yes and just truly living in the moment has inspired a sense of freedom I don’t think I’ve ever had. And I’m getting rather addicted to it.

I’ve never felt stronger, braver, or more empowered. I am showing my daughter that even though we may fear something, it doesn’t mean we avoid it. On the contrary, it means we embrace it wholeheartedly. That never used to be my philosophy. I used to be so cautious. So incredibly cautious that I think I stopped actually living. I stopped enjoying the moments and being silly and free. I’m sure that absolutely impacted my marriage. (But I also had to always be on point, always the consistent parent, always the responsible one. There really wasn’t much balance or sharing of the parenting responsibilities, which was exhausting.)

Actually, now that I just wrote that, something so obvious just struck me. Life changes us. Okay, duh. I told you it was obvious. Seriously, though, without even realizing it, one day we are somebody we don’t recognize. Someone stuck in the rut of life. We slowly become the person we need to be in the situation at hand. Okay, maybe not everyone gets stuck, but I surely did.

I’ve always been strong, a bit reckless, and someone who desires adventure.

But life changed me. Having a daughter being born so sick we almost lost her devastated me. Having a husband who had a hard time finding the line between responsible adult and perpetual 14 year old was exhausting. I felt I had to become someone else in order to maintain balance in our lives.

And now I have this life. One where I am free to be free.

One where I am free to be me.

And I refuse to lose myself again. It’s interesting, going through this journey at almost 40. The first time, when I left my first husband, I was in my late 20’s and I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of a partner, out of life. I really did. Now, though, it’s different. And I’m not so naive as to believe that in another 10 years, I won’t have an entirely new perspective and outlook on life. In fact, I hope to continue to grow and adapt and flourish.

So, how long will I wait for the one I deserve?

Well, here’s the thing. I now know what I deserve. I know what I want out of a partner. I know I want to chase down adventures with him and laugh and have deep, meaningful, and emotional conversations. I want to be with someone who is completely smitten by me and treasures me like the gem that I am, even in the moments…no, especially in the moments when I’ve temporarily lost my shine. I want to be with someone that helps me to flourish and blossom and I long to be in a relationship where we constantly elevate one another to the next level of awesomeness.

And the moment it all stops, I know to give it my everything, to devote my energy to the honest effort that a relationship deserves, and then to get out if it still is no longer fulfilling.

Life is simply too short to waste a second on something that, after thought, effort, and consideration, is still broken.

I have seen friends’ husbands who genuinely adore their wives. I know it exists. I know, in my heart and into the depths of my soul, that there is someone out there, ready to point out everything I can be and show me all the beauty that I can’t see.

And I will wait a lifetime for him if I have to, all the while having a blast solo, and saying yes to all the things that scare me.

So to quote Mark Groves, I will end with this:

"And just when you think it's the end, it will be the beginning. You will find someone who will learn the nuances of your soul. Who will be able to predict the tears on your cheek so they may catch them and turn them into a river of desire. They will break the cage that protects your heart so the same light that fills your cells can fill theirs. They will learn why you do everything you do so that in the fleeting moment of fear you will run to them. And if there should be moments of despair, you will land in their arms so they may carry you so high that the only fall you will experience will be in love."

I am not only trusting my journey, I’m skipping down my path with a joy in my heart and a strong conviction that all is unfolding as it should. (Well, the skipping and joy may not be there everyday, but I at least feel it on some days and for now, that is enough for me.)

So, with that same zealousness, I will no longer be here, merely existing. But I will live with more enthusiasm and zest than I have in years.

Because a great many adventures lie ahead in my future. This is only the beginning.

life

A Graceful Spiral

A Graceful Catastrophe

When it comes down to it, we all choose the life that we want…even if it isn’t the life we say we want.”

Imposters S1: E3, Netflix

Without some semblance of *perceived* control, one tends to spiral. There has been a lot of spiraling in my home lately.

Today, after chatting with a close friend, I realized all of the emotions and actions from the past week, for sure, and probably much longer, have come from a place of control – either a loss of it (my ex) or the freedom of finally having some again (me).

From my perspective, based on an 11 year history, my ex has a controlling personality. Hindsight is amazing and as I sit and think about our relationship over time, I see things with such clarity now. He uses manipulation and intimidation to gain control. He always has, I just never saw it. When he feels like he has lost control, the intimidation and manipulation reaches an all-time and, at times, scary high. This happened a couple of times this last week, and while it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, it was exactly what I needed in order to continue moving forward with the tedious task of legal separation. (Why, oh why must there be so many hoops to jump through?!)

But since I must, I will jump. Set boundaries need to exist.

My ex’s “boundaries” are so fluid that they’re practically non-existent. I thrive on having boundaries and I think people, in general, would tend to agree. Boundaries create a sense of safety and predictability. Without boundaries, it is much easier to lose control and, therefore, some bits of sanity are also lost.

And they also need to exist because he would like for us to get back together – and that is just not something I’m willing to do. Today my ex told me that couples have come back from “worse situations than ours.”

Really.

REALLY?! And what situation exactly is he having to come back from? Oh, oops! I messed up – I should say sorry to her. She has to forgive me. We have a daughter. We should keep our family unit together… Yep, he regrets his behavior. Feels awful. Apologize, show remorse, say you’re still in love. That’s all it should take for us to get back together. He thinks I’m the one throwing away the family because I will not give him a second chance. He would love for me to walk with him on his journey to becoming a better man and father. Because, he says, he has nobody to support him and doesn’t want to do this by himself. More guilt. More manipulation.

So I remind myself (constantly) that he chose this life. Actively. Intentionally. Willingly.

And let’s take a moment and look at what situation I am trying to overcome, shall we? I can count the people I blindly trust on less than one hand. He was one of them. He lied straight to my face, day in and day out, for almost a year. AND would’ve kept right on lying to me and doing his thing had he not been exposed by a woman (that he was seeing) and had disrespected one time too many. Not only did he lie, but, through his words and actions, he made me feel like an awful wife and an awful person practically every day. I was constantly reminded that I wasn’t enough. During the 8 weeks where I took care of him after he selfishly and stupidly made a move that ended in him crashing his dirt bike at a race, he was quite awful to me – awful enough that when his brother came to visit, he was so appalled he actually went home and told their mother about his behavior towards me.

I was emotionally beat down by him for a long time but for him to treat me that way WHILE he was cheating on me is just a whole other level of hurt. And then there’s the betrayal. And the selfishness. All the times he must’ve worked out of town for an extra day, or took a later flight, causing me just a bit more stress as I tried to manage life here as a single mom, just so that he could squeeze in a date before coming home… The multi-layered levels of heartbreak that his actions put me through, along with his behavior over the last 2 months, is enough to make me walk away feeling like it’s the best decision for all involved. There are some things that are just too great to overcome. “I’m sorry” will never be enough, especially when he makes comments that try to diminish the severity of his actions over the last year. (*eye roll* “Other couples have overcome worse than this.” What the ever loving hell kind of a comment is that?! He just has no clue the extent of his impact.)

While I fully recognize that this posting is definitely falling short, I am trying to be a compassionate person. I am trying to give him grace. I am trying so hard to understand his actions towards me. Perhaps he has issues that are so deeply rooted that he doesn’t even understand who he is and what he is doing. I can’t imagine that he does any of this intentionally. Or that he would purposefully manipulate and intimidate me. Or that he consciously plays the role of the victim in this situation. I think, perhaps, that’s all he knows, so in times of chaos, when he’s lost control, he resorts to the only behaviors he’s familiar with. Because I would’ve never married him if he wasn’t a good person. Somewhere in there, he is a good person. But I am no fool. Not anymore, at least. I know his problems aren’t mine to fix and they aren’t mine to accept any longer. I am now, finally, thinking clearly.

Well, for the most part. Some days are harder than others, though. Some days, I can’t help but get tangled up in the trap that his words weave. I allow myself to respond in anger or fear or sadness – emotions brought on by his attempts at manipulating me.

But those aren’t my true emotions. They’re simply knee-jerk responses to his words and actions. When I stop, take a step back, and really process, I no longer feel those emotions – at least not as intensely as I did at first.

Whether he does so intentionally or because it’s, sadly, all he knows, I will not let him control, manipulate, or intimidate me anymore. The reasons he behaves this way are not important. What is important, however, is that I am now in a place where his words no longer hold that kind of power over me.

So, I place my walls firmly up. I am trying to make clear boundaries, for the benefit of the both of us. For now, I will do what it takes to protect myself – to protect my heart. I will not allow myself to ever have the opportunity to experience such pain again.

Right now, I feel more empowered than I probably ever have. With proper boundaries in place, I have control back over my life. To finally feel like I’m no longer spiraling, that I have a sense of peace despite the stress of my current situation, is incredibly rewarding. The more my ex spirals, the more I focus in and process the immediate world around me. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, thinking about what exactly it is that I am doing and thinking about how I now view my world. I’ve had moments that I welcome, where I stop and really take it all in, analyze what I’m thinking and why exactly it is that I think it. I truly enjoy thinking deeply about what I’m thinking. It keeps me centered.

So, after lots of processing, I’ve come to a place where I am completely comfortable with my decisions – and my new interpretation of the world around me. My newfound understanding of the world that I want to live in.

My (ex) husband says he broke me. I’ve also said that myself. Now that I have done a fair amount of thinking about it, I don’t know that I’m so much broken, as I am completely transformed. I’m “unbecoming everything that isn’t me.” The way I think now is vastly different than it was just 65 days ago. Neither school of thought is wrong, either, it’s just different. And I’m quite comfortable with being different. I thrive on it. I seek it out. I want to buck the system and intentionally act out against convention. It’s more comfortable for me than trying to fit in society’s norms. “Normal” is nothing I’ve ever wanted to be.

Please read this carefully – it’s NOT wrong to go against mainstream society if that’s what brings you peace and happiness. It isn’t wrong to control your own moments in whatever way you see best for you.

I used to be a Type A planner, with a thousand set plans for tomorrow, next month, next year, 20 years from now…and, well, you get it. I had my map all planned out. And when random acts occurred, causing me to make a detour, it would seriously mess with my head.

Well, 2 months ago brought a serious detour. One that, really, led me straight off a cliff. The old me, the old way of thinking and obsessively planning, is gone. She’s just completely gone. And you know what? I have never felt more free. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived more authentically than I am right now.

I have more control over my life than I ever have before. I’ve really never thought more clearly about my decisions. I live for now. I make decisions based on how I feel now. There is no tomorrow. It simply doesn’t exist!

Guys! If I could ever convince you of anything, it is to live for this moment, right now, and nothing else. And to do so unapologetically. When you think about the future, you’re causing unnecessary stress in your life. You have absolutely zero control over what may come. But, you do have at least some control over right now. Getting lost in the past and romanticizing it or stressing about the future – it leaves you powerless! You can’t live in the happy memories of the past or change what awfulness happened yesterday. And surely, no matter how much you think you can plan for tomorrow, you just never know when a catastrophe will occur and derail everything.

So stop spiraling. Even if it’s a graceful spiral that you’re in. Live for today. Love this moment, right now. It’s the only genuine time in your life! And what a gift it is!

In order to fully embrace this moment, the one you’re in right now, you have to accept it. And that’s where it can get difficult. But what’s worse than accepting this moment is fighting against it. There is control in embracing what is and therefore, there is freedom in it.

This moment might suck. A lot. But by acknowledging it, embracing the suck, honoring the heck out of it, you remain in control – and free.

Find your freedom. Accept what is. And live the most authentic life you’ve ever lived.

Then tell me all about it. Because I always look forward to hearing your stories.