Tag: grateful

life, love

Foolish Notions

A Graceful Catastrophe

Do you ever have moments that cause you to just stop, dead in your tracks, goose bumps covering your body as your blood runs cold, and you ask yourself, “What in the hell am I doing?”

Goodness, I hope that isn’t just me.

That literally just happened and I was suddenly overwhelmed with a need to write.

The last few months have once again given me an opportunity to learn how to let go of any false sense of control that I thought I had.

It’s quite interesting, what March 17th has represented for two years in a row now. Last year, on the evening of March 17th, I received information that thoroughly rocked my personal world and threw me off the path I was on. In hindsight, I am incredibly grateful for that shove. This year, on March 17th, quarantine began for me. It was my last morning at the gym, the last week I worked a full week, and the beginning of another push off the path that I thought I was happy to be traveling on, though this time it was professionally that I was knocked off kilter.

I suppose the universe always knows better and guides us towards our truest destiny, regardless of what we think our path should be. Trust the process, right?

But that’s so hard! Because, inherently, we just want to believe we control our destinies. That we can fight the inevitable. But eventually, what is supposed to be will be. The energies align how they must and we are at their mercy.

The sooner we can grasp that, and understand that we really have no control, the happier and more free we can feel.

Though, let me back up, because I’m about to contradict myself. We do have control over one incredibly significant thing – our own mindset.

Last week, my boyfriend asked me if I’d forgiven my ex yet, for what transpired over the last year of our marriage. I actually hadn’t thought about it – had I formally forgiven him? I understand that forgiveness is for oneself, otherwise the toxicity of holding on to that pain and hurt consumes you and hinders your ability to experience true, uncompromised happiness.

Logically, I understand that. Emotionally, however, my first thought was, “Has he ever really apologized to me for what occurred?” I don’t remember receiving a sincere and genuine apology. So, I kept thinking…the pause extending into the arena of discomfort for my boyfriend, who began to wonder if perhaps he shouldn’t have asked the question. But that wasn’t why I hesitated in responding. I wanted to think through my thoughts and feelings surrounding the question. I wanted to be thorough in my space before speaking it aloud.

The thing is, I suppose I had forgiven him.

There are some interesting similarities between my boyfriend and my ex husband. Through many, many discussions with my boyfriend, who is essentially an outsider, I was able to obtain closure with my ex. I was able to forgive him.

I used to fully believe that I had control over my life. I could make choices and would then experience the outcome that I’d wanted.

After both of these St. Patrick’s days, I’ve learned that I can only control so much. Honestly, I’m sick of trying to plan and achieve my desired outcome, fighting to make things happen – or not happen. It’s so much more fulfilling and freeing to simply let go. Everything occurs that is supposed to anyway, so why fight so hard?

My boyfriend and my ex met a couple weeks ago. We’d planned for him to arrive at my house at a certain time so we could go together to my ex’s home and there’d be plenty of time for a decent chat. I was insanely nervous and wanted everything to go smoothly. I wanted my ex to like this man, who’d surely become a significant role model in my daughter’s life. And then, after a number of factors, my boyfriend found himself running terribly late. Unbeknownst to him, this is one of my ex’s triggers. He absolutely abhors tardiness. He was furious and texting me all sorts of irritated comments. Control. He was controlling the situation (or so he thought) and then, my boyfriend’s appearance occurred beyond his control. Late, as a matter of fact.

When we finally arrived, he lectured my boyfriend as I sat there, uncomfortable, sitting in between the man I now love and the man I once loved. These meetings are not for the faint of heart. Ultimately, they found a common ground – in me. I’ll always have love for my ex-husband, as he is a significant part of not only my history, but also my present and my future, thanks to my daughter. And my ex will always have love for me and will always feel the need to protect me, as I am the mother of his child. My boyfriend loves me and has that same desire to protect me (perhaps that is ingrained in men? The desire to protect their people?). Regardless, these two men found a common thread, which pretty quickly, united them.

They began chatting about me, both eager to work together to protect me, laughing about bonding over going on an adventure together to seek out those that have hurt me long before. Also, my boyfriend made it clear he was not in my daughter’s life to replace him and be the new daddy, rather more to just add a layer of love and support for her. He was there, to stand alongside my ex-husband, to make sure no harm comes to either myself or my daughter. They drank their favorite drink (yes, it’s the same) and came to a common ground.

This would not have been able to happen if any of us tried to control the situation. It unfolded naturally and rather pleasantly, overall. It was also inevitable that my boyfriend would become a part of my daughter’s life, as he is now a significant part of mine, so my ex’s willingness to meet him made it all flow easily.

We all know that life can change in mere seconds and everything we hoped for, planned for, and/or worked for can all shatter in a blink. And, we all know that we can recover. We can experience something so catastrophic that the ability to breathe becomes the only focus because even that is far too difficult to accomplish without concentration. And then, ever so slowly and over time, you discover your strength and just how resilient you are. You survive, then adapt, and finally, thrive.

But in order to thrive, truly and wholly, you must forgive. I’ve forgiven myself, for being a pretty terrible wife and playing my part in the catastrophic decisions my ex made. And I’ve forgiven my ex for making them.

Hurt people hurt people. And man, does my ex hurt.

I do not want to hurt anyone. Ever again. So, my pain must be processed. True and abundant forgiveness must be given. There is no longer any toxicity within, I harbor no pain from anything along my path that I have encountered. My wounds have healed and scars have formed. My pain brought me to my present and it’s now a pretty incredible place to live. My bucket is patched, I’m filled with self-love, compassion, understanding, and am thrilled to say, pure happiness.

I no longer have any desire to control anything or anyone and have finally mastered the enlightened acceptance that life just is. I will always work hard, of course, and I’m a dreamer, so my eyes will always be wide with wonder. But as roadblocks come up, as March 17ths continue to come along throughout the year, though I may have a short cry, I’ll never linger in despair. “Nothing is as bad as it seems or as good as it feels.”

It just is.

And to think we have any control over anything is not only the most foolish notion of all, it inhibits our ability to pursue the one thing we all deserve – true happiness.

life

Goodbye. For Now

A Graceful Catastrophe

I felt the need to be quiet… I just noticed that I haven’t written in almost a month.

And this is the first month where the 17th came and went. Completely unnoticed. It was Friday. I just had to look at my personal calendar to see what I did that day. I dropped my car off at the shop. I worked with my hockey team. And I ended the day watching You with my boyfriend.

It never occurred to me what the date was. I used to keep count of how many days it’d been. It drove at least one friend of mine completely bonkers that I did that. As it turns out, it took me somewhere between 9 and 10 months for that date to bare absolutely zero significance. The 17th is now just another day.

For months and months and months, I didn’t understand my world. My thoughts were a jumbled disaster in my mind. I had to write in order to make some sense of what was going on inside my head as the life that I once knew ceased to exist and came crumbling down in what felt like an utter catastrophe. I can’t begin to explain the urge that came over me, willing me to write. Or the peace that fell upon me once I was able to get it out.

Word by word, sentence by sentence, blog by blog, I processed my internal world. Until one day, I realized my thoughts were not written in scribbles. I finally had clarity. And so, I became silent.

My internal world feels at peace. I feel a beautiful sense of incredible peace. It settled upon me like a silky cloak, unnoticed, yet luxurious and delightfully received. My reward after months of reflection, tears, and so much personal work.

For the past month, I have found further peace in editing pictures from my trip to Greece (some favorites are pictured below). It feels as though I have an endless supply of memories to paint and that is exactly where I’ve been wanting to spend the time I normally would’ve set aside for writing.

Over the past couple months, I’ve also been gifted with a different kind of perspective. Two lives running parallel with enough distance for me to listen.

And, thankfully, I was able to remain open and truly listen. Which served only to deepen this sweet, internal peace that began to blossom in Greece.

I picture myself as a lotus flower. I’ve risen. Above that beautiful, sparkling water line.

And I’ve finally bloomed.

Today, as I sit here writing this, I feel as though I’m the best version of myself that has ever existed. I know what I want. I know what it takes to attain it. And maintain it. And this is only the beginning. For tomorrow, the goal is to be just a bit better than I was today. I have so much yet to learn and experience and you know what? That excites me.

I dream again. I no longer live one breath at a time.

And, on most days, I’m fearless.

Because there’s something significant that occurs when you’ve been completely shattered. I never would’ve taken my own life, but I’m not going to lie… There were plenty of days, especially at the beginning, where I sped to over 100 on the highway and pictured myself steering straight into something solid. But only for a second. For so long, I just wanted it to end. I didn’t want my life to end. Just “it.” The drama. The confusing loss of some in my community. The bleak, empty feeling that I knew for certain was never going to go away.

When you hit that low, and then rise above, feeling happier and more authentic than ever in the whole of your life, you realize complete vulnerability is beautiful. And oh, so marvelously freeing! Because you fully understand that you are capable of withstanding damn near any potential future pain that will try to invade your peace. And because of that, you can’t imagine living any other way than all in and out loud.

As life twists and turns, I’m sure I’ll have another time where I’ll feel this desperate compulsion to write to understand. Or, like I did at the beginning, to write to remember and understand. For now, though, I feel no such need. But I do have somewhere around 1250 pictures to go through and edit. Which has quickly become one of my most favorite things to do. And goodness, there are so many other dreams to chase!

My world is calm, once again. The storm has, for now at least, passed.

I have bloomed and feel every bit of the sun’s warmth upon me. Even on the cloudy days.

I am happy.

And filled with peace.

And I surely wouldn’t be here today without the support from you, my community. You have been my sunshine. You never let me stay down for long. As much as my time is now intentionally filled elsewhere, there’s no doubt I will see you here again every now and then. I am genuinely grateful for your love and support and can only hope you will be filled with the same unconditional love so many of you have shown me.

May your days be also filled with true bliss and absolute peace. I have so much love for you all.

life

3.4 Miles

A Graceful Catastrophe

When I saw the sign that said, “Ouray KOA,” I grinned and cheered. Like, for real. There was actual fist pumping happening in my car. I’d done it!! I made my first solo drive…my first drive through the mountains. And it was snowy at times, and visibility wasn’t great, and other times the roads were dry and it was smooth sailing. And I did it.

Then, 3.4 miles from my hotel, I was overcome by emotion. I couldn’t believe I’d done it.

I know I’ve come a long way in the days since March 17th. My growth has truly been exponential . It started off slow, and rocky, and…okay, okay, it was non-existent. My first several months afterwards I didn’t want to experience my reality. I wanted to ignore it. And I did just about anything I could to escape it.

When you ignore your reality, you can’t exactly grow.

And that’s absolutely okay. I was in survival mode. That was all I could hang on to – just take one more breath, girl. You can do this. One breath at a time.

And then, one magical day, I was ready.

And I took off.

Today, I’m a new me. Someone who sits alone at a bar in a strange city and happily eats her food, smiling to herself every now and then, not giving a care in the world.

I’m someone who drives through the snowy mountains because there’s a city she’s waited to go to for years and years and she’s done waiting for someone else to bring her here.

I’m done waiting. Period. If I want it, I will figure out a way to do it. Because I’m alive and breathing and that’s all the reason I need.

I’m also still learning. Sure, I’ve come a long way. I believe it never ends, though. There are always ways I can improve. Things I can nurture and refine. I’m finding the balance between pushing myself and simply marinating in the moment. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I tend to live by the rule it’s either all or it’s nothing. Do it right the first time or don’t do it at all. I’m all in. Or I’m out. And I’m learning that perhaps there’s a better, more delicate space to land…perhaps.

In Greece, I learned a lesson that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. My whole purpose of going to Greece, though, was to prove to myself that I can. So, I did. And then I thought I was good. I had countless epiphanies over there. My very energy changed. I didn’t have anything left to prove to myself.

Or so I thought.

So, let me back up a minute. Give you some context. Yesterday I left for a road trip through the mountains…with my front wheel drive Mini Cooper…through a minor snowstorm. I decided to embark on yet another solo journey, this magnificent road trip, because I’ve realized I still have more I want to prove to myself. I still have fears that require facing. Insecurities. Doubts.

I absolutely hate doubting myself.

So, I booked this trip. And, after much fret and worry, finally took off. Goodness, I’m less than 24 hours into this trip and I’m already grateful I didn’t back out.

As I looked out on the scenery during the drive, I noticed all the variety of shades of white that exist in nature. It was just white on white on white. In front of me, all around me, surrounding me. Just white. It was stunning.

I drank it in. Really experienced where I was. And I was in no hurry whatsoever. I took detours to take pictures. I saw bighorn sheep!!

Don’t miss out on the beauty that surrounds you because you’re afraid to open your eyes.

I took so many deep breaths. Just so I could exhale. I needed to exhale the voices in my head. The ones that told me I was incapable. And then I spent some time talking to myself, rather than wasting time listening to those voices. This time, the incapability was of driving in the snow. I’ve been told many times that I can’t drive in the snow, or that I shouldn’t drive in the snow. And, I have also had many circumstances where I’ve proven to myself that maybe I shouldn’t ever drive in the snow. I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s been told to me and then reinforced. I can’t do it.

Which is exactly why I’m here today, having driven not only through the snow, but through snow covered roads, with limited visibility at times, over winding s-curved mountain passes.

Face my fear. I’m all in. I know no other way.

So, this is why, 3.4 miles away from my hotel, I lost it. The tears simply struck and didn’t let up for several minutes. It was the release I needed. Another fear conquered. Another lesson learned. I can do scary things. And survive.

And then reflect and realize there was nothing scary about it after all.

So, here, now, I encourage you. Do something that scares you. Something you’ve avoided because you keep listening to the voices in your head rather than talking to yourself. Create your new narrative. It isn’t as scary as you’re making it out to be.

I promise.


life

I Hate My Life

A Graceful Catastrophe
No truer truth has been spoken to me in recent months.

Seriously. I hate it. How did I get here???

I see my daughter every other week. I get the equivalent of about 4.5 more years with her before she goes off to college. And that’s being generous.

I am traveling out of the country next week and spent the day trying to figure out how to not come home.

Because I don’t want to be around family. At. All. If I can’t have my daughter, I don’t want to be around anyone’s family.

I don’t want to be around happiness.

Not during Thanksgiving.

Sure. I have plenty to be grateful for…of course!

I’d be fine seeing single people filled with gratitude. And spending my time with those single people.

But absolutely no happy families. Because I don’t have a happy family.

So, I think I’ve decided to road trip. Just so I can avoid my life a little bit longer. Because I really hate this reality.

Today has been a struggle. All day long. I woke up upset. I cried during my workouts. I cried in between them. I cried when I came home from them. Then I had to pull it together so I could work.

And thank goodness I love what I do and who I spend my time with while at work. Because they made all the difference today.

But then, I had to come home…

And I remembered that I hate my life.

I’ll be 39 next month.

This isn’t where I’m supposed to be.

At least, not personally. Professionally, things are wonderful. I’m grateful for how I get to earn a living. I’ve never been happier, professionally speaking, than I am right now.

But personally? Ugh. Disgusting.

I’m ashamed of myself.

Truly.

Well, I wrote this Monday night, after a pretty terrible day where I was all up in my head and my feels. And, to be perfectly honest, after consuming a hefty-sized margarita.

Rather than erase/edit it heavily, I’m leaving it.

Guys, I am not as strong as I seem. I have my moments. I have entire days! I cried during my morning workouts Monday morning (feel free to check out my Instagram, where I made a brutally honest post). All of these emotions are exhausting to process – still. The roller coaster isn’t as wild and extreme as it once was, and I’m ever so grateful for that! Yet, I’m still on it. It’s still quite the ride. I’ve learned, over time, that when I’m not living with complete honesty – to myself and those around me – my days are much harder.

I have much more anxiety. I binge eat, and then feel terrible (at one point, I was up almost 20 pounds from 2 months ago. I’m dropping it back down, and doing so in a healthy manner). I pick at my cuticles (my M.O. for when I’m way too stressed to handle life). I don’t sleep.

When I’m living a dishonest life, one that lacks authenticity, it really messes with me – mentally and physically.

So, that means I have honest conversations with myself. Seriously. I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, “What the hell are you doing?!” I also don’t tiptoe around others anymore. Not around strangers and not those closest to me.

This is me. I say how I’m feeling. I can’t – and won’t – hide my tears. Even though I want to run away, I refuse to hide.

People have told me that they gain strength from these blogs and from me. Every time I’m grateful, though I’m mostly shocked. I am not that strong. I’m exhausted. I want to run away. I AM running away. And lately, I feel like I sell out a bit of my soul for tiny moments of pure happiness, that come only when it’s convenient. But, for right now at least, I’ve decided that I want to feel that happiness – at any cost.

So, the roller coaster continues. Life’s imbalances continue. My emotions vary from day to day, week to week.

And then, I remember.

Just breathe, girlie. You’ve got this.

Bring it back to this moment right now. And then inhale slowly. And let it out…let it all out.

I did the incline yesterday morning. It’s like my form of meditating. It gets my mind right almost every single time – that workout rarely fails me.

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

What it does for me is so amazing. It’s transformative. And, it hit me, this journey is incredibly symbolic to life. I think that’s why I feel so wonderful every time, after I’ve completed it. It shifts my perspective. The incline is a perfect symbol of how to do life. You tackle this beast one step at a time, sometimes having to tread slowly and carefully, other times throwing caution to the wind so you can hustle to make your goal, and other times you find yourself crawling on all fours because you’re not sure how exactly you’ll make it to your next breath, much less your next step.

But you do! And then, you’re at the top, realizing it wasn’t as bad as it seems – it never is.

Sure, I mean, it’s been plenty bad. I’ve had moments in my life where I’ve felt hopeless, terrible desperation, and everything has just felt pointless. I can think back to specific times where I’ve just wanted to throw in the towel, so to speak, because the thought of doing anything else was simply too exhausting.

I have felt completely and utterly defeated.

There have been some dreadfully dramatic moments where I have cried, laying flat on the floor, face buried in my arms, until a puddle of my own tears formed beneath me.

And then, I breathe through it and another day comes. Because, really, I refuse to succumb to any other choice. For me, there is no other option other than to keep getting back up, no matter how badly I’ve gotten knocked down. Thankfully, I am surrounded by an incredibly strong and positive community, who oftentimes have done the heavy lifting and have picked me back up.

So, one way or another, I’ve always gotten back up.

And every single time, I’m able to stand a bit taller. I feel a bit stronger.

Then, I check in, reminding and reassuring myself that I am, indeed, strong. That I am “enough.” This is so new to me – to believe that I am “enough.” I want to make sure I now continue to realize that I am. Which means I must be aware so that I don’t fall into old habits.

Like I did Monday.

So, I am choosing to create these new habits. Ones where I remind myself who I am. And I keep myself honest, by self-reflecting regularly and asking myself the hard questions. Like, do my actions reflect a life being lived with authenticity? Do I tolerate nonsense because I don’t think I deserve better or is it because I’m choosing to give grace and be understanding? I’m almost constantly checking in with myself to make sure I understand my worth, that I continue to recognize my value. Then, I’m careful to not answer these self-imposed questions until I’m convinced the response I’m giving to myself is actually one I’m certain is the truth.

It takes work to battle my demons.

Yet, I’m finally realizing these demons I am fighting, the ones we all fight in whatever way they show themselves, are not signs of weaknesses. My greatest battles within – understanding my value and believing it, and giving myself grace – are what give me strength, in the long run. By continuously facing those demons head on, by writing them down publicly and not trying to hide them, by acknowledging out loud that I engage in these battles frequently, it reminds me I am human. And that I can use these broken moments to learn and grow.

I refuse to have a fixed mindset. Every single day I can become a better version of myself, if I choose to. Every time I acknowledge that my demons defeated me in certain moments, or for days, I am also acknowledging that I had the strength to face them and get back up again. I am reminded that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.

And that’s my big takeaway from being so in my head this last Monday. I was questioning myself, my integrity, my authenticity, my tolerance…everything, really. And I was beating myself up, refusing to give myself the grace that I deserve, and simply making “it” all bigger and worse in my head than what the reality of this life is.

It’s not as bad as it seemed on Monday. Life is good.

I actually love my life.

I’m beyond grateful for this journey.

Everything just is. Nothing is quite as bad as it seems. Nothing is quite as good as it seems either. No matter how we’re feeling, especially when we’re feeling the extremes, it’s all just so short-lived. The only thing certain is that it all will change. Everything is quite fleeting – situations, feelings, time…

So, I remind myself, once again, to breathe through the moments, especially those where my emotions feel extreme. Nothing lasts forever, at least not without constant effort to make it persist, and that’s true with both positives and negatives. What you feed is what will grow.

So, days like this past Monday will come and go. Days so much better than this last Monday will, too.

All I can do is continue to accept the journey, and breathe through all the moments. Because that’s all life is. Moments. And if we choose our focus correctly, they’re all good.

life

Chaos and Noise

A Graceful Catastrophe

Lately it’s been hard to feel fully present in my personal life. Professionally, I’m solid. Those kids have every ounce of my attention.

But personally…I don’t know. I feel tired. I’m so busy and all I do is run, it feels like. I run from one thing to another to another with everything scheduled right down to the minute.

And there’s so much noise in my head.

My thoughts are running full tilt. I want to live truly authentically, but damn, that’s really hard. I want to fully embrace Maya Angelou’s quote, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

But what if I don’t want to believe them? What if I want to see what I want to see? What if I know I’m making 34,000 excuses for them and their behavior?

Excuses. We all have them…

Goodness! It’s just So.Much.Noise.

It feels chaotic inside right now. I hear myself arguing with myself. I have contradictory thoughts all day long.

Sometimes I literally shake my head to try to clear it. No, really. I just did.

It doesn’t work.

I’m so tired.

I’ve been binge eating. And then I am left feeling simply dreadful.

And I feel so unsettled.

I need something to change things up…to give me a figurative shake. Nothing earth shattering like what happened 7 months ago now – oh, goodness, please nothing like that!

But… I do leave for Greece in 28 27 days. So there’s that.

I need that time. I’m craving this solo adventure more than ever.

I have hope that it will help to center me again. Because I need that. Desperately, at this point.

I feel like I’m sacrificing a piece of myself for an illusion of happiness. And…I just want to feel genuine happiness.

*sigh*

More importantly, I want to feel genuine.

It takes so much effort to be strong. Some of you know this all to well. It takes a ton of effort just to stay afloat. And then to run my business. Or to be a present and engaging mom.

Sometimes it feels as though I cannot breathe. So, all of this, and for so much more, I honestly can’t wait until I can run away. Just momentarily, though. I’ll be back, of course. My daughter is my world. My business fills my heart with joy. I just need a break.

Because…have I mentioned how loud it is in my head? It’s constant, guys. I feel at odds with myself, my actions, my thoughts…

This is not living authentically.

I feel like I’m barely hanging on right now.

Last night Two nights ago, I received a barrage of texts from my ex, blasting me for no reason, other than his own anger. It was completely unprovoked.

I’m still on edge from it.

Then it happened again tonight. Except this time, he decided to threaten both me and a friend of mine. It’s been 7 months. Seven months today, actually. When will his abuse stop?

And then there’s the big court date one week from today yesterday. We will stand before a judge for about 20 minutes and then become legally separated. Finally. 7 long months later. To be quite honest, I can’t wait for a judge to tell me that I can start putting this all behind me.

For now, though, I feel myself disconnecting. Retreating. Everything takes so much out of me. Friends call and I ignore their calls. I just can’t bring myself to engage in any lengthy conversation. Or try to summarize my thoughts. It’s just too much right now.

I wish I could fast forward to 10 years from now and take just a little peek at who I am. Who my daughter is. Man, I hope that she continues down this path that seems so incredible and bright.

I hope I don’t ruin her.

I know this sounds…umm, bleak, I suppose. I know it’s just part of the wave. I’m riding it – still. Perhaps I always will.

And guys, I still smile. It still reaches my eyes. I get excited and re-energized when I get to work with my kids. I am in love with my professional life and am grateful this is how I earn my living. My clients are nothing short of the best.

I have incredible people in my life who make me feel incredible things.

Overall, I am lucky.

Overall, the energy I put out is beautiful and, therefore, my life is beautiful.

And…I still have my days. I am still human. I still deal with threats and verbal and emotional abuse.

So, some days are exhausting.

And loud.

And oh, so terribly chaotic.

I suppose that’s the thing – life is noisy for all of us. But we all walk around, putting our best foot forward, showing our strongest side to the world. And because of that, nobody is vulnerable. So you feel devastatingly alone. The feeling of isolation is intense.

I know because that’s where I’ve been lately. I’ve been quiet, not writing in ages. Because, I guess, maybe for a while, I felt uncomfortable being so raw, so vulnerable. I was starting to drown again and to write about it made it too real. And I thought I was alone, in feeling like this.

I shared this (unfinished) blog with two people before I decided to finish it up tonight and publish it. They both said it resonated with them.

So, to write about it shows me that I am not alone in how I feel. Some of you also have a lot of noise in your heads that feels impossible to quiet. Some of you lead sharply scheduled lives, just like I do, running (literally) from “important thing” to “important thing.”

But are they all truly that important?

For a while, I got lost in the motions. There’s a song that a longtime friend shared with me a while ago and I can’t help but think of it now. It’s the song “Living,” by Dierks Bentley and the most impactful part of the song, to me is,

And it hit me
It’s a beautiful world sometimes I don’t see so clear

Some days you just breathe in
Just try to break even
Sometimes your heart’s poundin’ out of your chest
Sometimes it’s just beatin’
Some days you just forget
What all you’ve been given
Some days you just get by
And some days you’re just alive

That’s it. Lately, I feel like I’ve just been getting by. I’m alive. I’m breathing. But I’m running through the motions.

Therefore, I am not satisfied. Not really. Deep down something feels off. So I go back to what I said earlier – I think I am not living authentically.

So what’s the first step? There’s so much chaos, I don’t really know where to begin! Do I take the time to create a process so that I can hire somebody and start expanding my business? Do I stare the fear of failure in its face and begin writing the first words of my book? And what do I do with the barrage of texts from my ex that hit me like a gut punch at random times when I least expect it?

I guess I just keep breathing. And remember this part of the same song,

Some days you start singin’
And you don’t need a reason
Sometimes the world’s just right
Your clear eyes ain’t even blinkin’
Got a heart full of grateful
For all you’ve been given
Some days you just get by
Yeah some days you’re just alive
Some days you’re livin’

Livin’ like you’ll never die
Blue’s a little bluer up in the sky
You’re high’s a little high
You feel that fire you’ve been missin’
Some days you’re living

So, that’s where I end for today, I suppose. Focusing on gratitude. Because overall, life is pretty incredible. And I’m more than grateful for this journey, for placing me exactly where I am today.

Through the chaos and noise, I’m going to try to refocus my energy so that I can feel that fire that I’ve been missing lately.

Today, right now, I’m choosing to truly live. Again. I’m chasing that fire and am in hot pursuit of authenticity. Because living disingenuously just sucks way too much life out of me.

I’m done being merely alive. Today, I’m living. Who’s with me?!

life, love

What Catastrophe

A Graceful Catastrophe

This journey is interesting. Life, in general, is simply unpredictable chaos. I am learning how to “ride the wave,” to “roll with the punches,” to try desperately to “keep from drowning” and hold my “head above the water”, fighting fiercely to keep my wits about me as I am buckled into this roller coaster, gripping the handles so tightly that my knuckles are white, just so that I don’t fall out, crashing and spiraling back to the ground.

All of the idioms fit. *chuckles*

I’ve come so far in the nearly 6 months since I first found out about my ex’s mountains of betrayals. And I can honestly say that I am finally rising above the catastrophe that the email I received on St. Patrick’s Day sparked. I find that I am being more intentional with whom I am seeking connection and conversation. I’m being drawn to people who challenge me in a multitude of ways, but mostly who challenge my mind. My responses are respectfully questioned, forcing me to analyze that which I feel strongly about, to justify why I think it, or to finally decide that my thoughts are flawed and I ought to re-evaluate my opinions. In short, these people are helping me to grow, to become a better me, and to better understand exactly who I am.

While it’s incredibly difficult, and at times exhausting, it’s refreshing. My ex-husband didn’t push me to be a better person. We didn’t have the deep and meaningful conversation that prompted the levels of introspection necessary to increase self-awareness and achieve personal growth. We didn’t live in the type of safe place, filled with mutual respect, where he could kindly call me out and help me consider different perspectives. Our relationship was volatile, our communication dismal. We just weren’t good partners for one another and I think a lot of that is because we weren’t good for ourselves.

This is a problem I never want to have again. Wait, let me re-word that. This is a problem I will never have again. So I am choosing to continue pursuing opportunities and connections that will help me to not only continue to heal my soul, but to also grow emotionally.

I came into our relationship with a lot of baggage. And so did he. We both still have our baggage but I can say mine is getting easier to carry. I am understanding myself in ways I never have before. And I can feel a different type of deep peace within. Guys, it’s incredible to live without the weight of all those bricks that have been piled on me for decades…for far longer than just my ex being in my life. For the most part, I feel quite calm, which is at the same time exhilarating, because I cannot recall the last time I felt this level of composed tranquility.

Sure, sometimes life gets stressful – and heavy – but I’m learning to see it all in a different perspective and I haven’t been lingering in that negative space like I used to. I am so much stronger – in mind, body, and spirit – and, therefore, far healthier now. If life gets heavy, I have the strength and ability to climb back up out of the trenches much quicker than before. I just see things differently. I feel things with far less drama than I once did. And the most important lesson I’ve learned over the last 6 months is that “it” isn’t about me. I very rarely hear the self-defeating, negative self-talk anymore. Now, more often than not, I shrug my shoulders and understand it’s “not my circus,” as the saying goes.

The way I am intentionally choosing to live isn’t exactly easy, but it isn’t hard, either. It’s a choice. A conscious decision. And that, is the hardest part. Sometimes, a lot of times, it’s so easy to simply react to what life throws at us, to snap back at another, whose words or actions trigger us, to respond carelessly and thoughtlessly. It just happened again today, with my ex, of course. But it wasn’t as bad as it was, say, 3 months ago. So, I guess that’s progress.

But none of that is classy. Or graceful. Since the beginning of this journey, that has been my ultimate goal. And it feels like I take 1 step forward, then 2 steps back again. Yet, I’m constantly reflecting. I’m working on “the pause.” (I suck at it, but I’m working on it.) I am becoming more aware of tiny shifts within – I feel the changes occurring so quickly that it’s like I blink and I’m somebody slightly different than I once was. I have hope that one day, I will be able to mostly control my behavior – especially when I am triggered.

To choose to live authentically and intentionally means that the road is going to be a challenging one. But it’s so worth it. I read a line from an Instagram post by createthelove that hit home – especially because of where my life is today. He said, “when space is created in our lives, it allows other people and experiences to enter. Your greatest moments are waiting, you just need to let go of the ones which have already passed.”

Which is why it’s pointless for me to continue allowing myself to be triggered by my ex. For what? His actions have created a space that I am now grateful for, one where I have experienced more personal growth than I ever could’ve had with him by my side. I now have a life where I can focus on that personal growth, on chasing experiences that will simultaneously fill my soul and open my eyes to realities I never knew could exist. I have opportunity now. And more time and energy to purse those experiences that come with this newfound opportunity.

But I’m trying to be careful now. I quite strongly believe that the energy you put out into the universe is exactly what will be returned back to you.

Intentionality. Grace. Class. Love. Authenticity.

That’s what I want to project out there, regardless of how another treats me. I want to practice it so frequently that it becomes imprinted on my soul and becomes as natural as breathing.

Another Instagram post that hit home is from mindfulmft. Vienna Pharaon said, “ask yourself this: Is what I’m about to say or do going to lead me to peace or suffering? (and then adjust accordingly)” She then went on to say, “We either move towards suffering or we move towards peace. We move towards chaos or we move towards freedom. We move towards pain or we move towards healing. This or that.”

Simple. This. Or that.

We have the choice. I have the choice. Do I want to bring this into my life, or that? I know one thing for certain – I want to live as an example for my daughter, and anyone else who happens to be watching, as someone who makes the conscious decision to chase peace and healing, and to pursue the freedom that comes with being in complete control of my actions and, my biggest struggle, my reactions.

I owe that to all my relationships, present and future.

This journey has been far from simple. There have been moments where I literally didn’t know how I would be capable of taking my next breath. The pain was undefinable. The destruction catastrophic.

But looking back, now with a bit of distance, I can see the bigger picture. It’s not the destruction I thought it was when it was merely inches from my face. Perhaps I don’t have a bird’s eye view quite yet, but from this distance, I see that my ex’s actions started a chain reaction that actually cleared my path, allowing the sun to fully shine down, erasing the shadows I once lived beneath. And now? I’m lifting my face to the glorious light, allowing the healing warmth to flood my soul, as I feel serenity and contentment slowly replace anger and anguish.

Personal growth can be painful. But for right now, it mostly feels like freedom.

My shell cracked on March 17, 2019 at 6:08 pm. Over the next several months, everything spilled out. I felt utterly destroyed. Now, 3 days shy of 6 months later, I understand that it wasn’t destruction. It was freedom. And now, I am blooming.
life, love

153 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

In approximately 6 hours from the time I am writing these first words, it will have been 5 months since I received an email that changed my life.

153 Days.

I used to call it a catastrophe. I suppose, by definition, it still is.

However, I now view that email as the greatest shove into opportunity that I have ever received.

I was in an unhappy marriage. I felt stuck. I hadn’t given it my all to make it work, so I couldn’t justify leaving. We have a daughter, so that complicated everything. Or so I thought.

I am stubborn.

And…

I do not quit.

I don’t run away from things. So, in a crappy marriage I stayed, with virtually daily phone calls to my best friend, complaining about how miserable I was. Almost daily phone calls for years, guys. Years and years and years. Very few people knew what took place behind the scenes. Very few people, even now, fully grasp how ugly it was. I didn’t even understand the extent at which I was broken. It was my normal. Hindsight, though, shows me that who I was in that marriage was a byproduct of how I was treated. I just didn’t see that then. I thought that was who I was. Cautious. Scared, really. Neurotic. Worried about every tiny little thing. A catastrophizer.

Wow.

But this is how I, slowly and without even realizing it, got there…

How do you frequently hear that you add such little value as a wife and not let that get internalized and become something so much greater than that? I decided I had to work harder to seek out everyone else’s validation and approval so that I could be enough in some capacity of my life. Because it was made abundantly clear that I was not enough at home.

I upped my effort and it paid off. I became an incredible mom, raising a little human into somebody who already adds value to society. And I got positive feedback from my efforts. Our bond grew tighter and we are still exceptionally close.

I also doubled my efforts as a teacher and became highly respected at my school. My students, the families, the other teachers, and my admin valued my input. They listened to my thoughts and opinions when I spoke them aloud (a novel concept that rarely occurred at home). They sought me out for advice.

But at home, when I tried, it went unnoticed. The message of not being enough was on repeat. My efforts there were overlooked and disregarded. I was frequently reminded of how awful of a wife I was. Right in front of my face, other women on the street stole his glances (ha! long stares, really), rather than him being blinded by pure love for me. I wasn’t enough. I was worth so little, in fact, that it didn’t matter to him that he did those things blatantly and right in front of me. And then, my own perceived value as a wife, and therefore, as a woman, slowly waned.

Over the years, I internalized it. I wasn’t enough. If I wasn’t “enough” at home, then how could I be enough for anyone – even myself. So, that black cloud hung over my head, creating this persona that had to hyper plan everything and fear the worst, because surely since I was such a failure as a wife, I must also be on the verge of failing everywhere else, too.

That is who I was for at least the last 6 years. And who I absolutely was 153 days ago. A beaten down version of myself. Guys, I seriously entertained the idea about taking him back! I didn’t value myself enough to fully believe in myself and walk away.

Well, until there was a breaking point and I filed straight away the next day. But that’s another story for another day. It might even be in an earlier blog, I cannot recall…

But now? Ha ha! I had my epiphany and I see my worth. And being “enough?” Psh, I am way more than enough.

Now? Man, oh, man… Now I know who I am. And watch out, world, because as my friend worded it on our way to volleyball yesterday in the car, I’m a dime.

I. Am. A. Dime.

And I know it. Now, boy, do I ever know it.

And nobody can take that from me ever again. If you don’t see my value in your world, then that is just fine. I get it now. It’s not about me. It’s about you. You don’t have to like peaches. (Hmm, I’d thought I’d written about that, too. But, in a nutshell, it’s a reference to my favorite quote: You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the orchard, and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.) It’s not up to me to change to fit your definition of who I should be, who is enough for you. I am enough just the way I am. If you don’t like me, then that is about you, not me. I get that now. I’m done taking it personally. It was never about me not being enough. (Oh, found it. Looks like I wrote all of this same type of stuff a week ago here. This topic has been a hot one for me lately.)

I wouldn’t be where I am today, with all this potential that lies before me, had I not received that email 5 months ago.

Five months. *shaking my head* Goodness, it feels as though that was a lifetime ago. And I suppose, in many ways, it was.

Without that woman having the courage to write me, I would still be questioning my self-worth. I would still be relatively unhappy.

Today, there is so much excitement in my life. Gah! There’s a whole load of things to be excited about. My energy is radiating happiness and my heart is open to being vulnerable.

My life has not aligned, professionally and personally, for years. Typically, things were wonderful professionally speaking and kind of, meh, personally speaking.

Not anymore. I am excited about both my professional and personal future. I have magnificent and fantastic dreams for me professionally that I am actively chasing down. Dreams that mesh perfectly with my many passions. Dreams that are realistically attainable. Actions in hot pursuit of those dreams that are pulling me in several different directions and keeping me awake at night from the buzz of the potential. It’s exhausting and exhilarating.

I am excited to live this life! Just a short time ago, I’d written that I wanted to fast forward and that I didn’t want to live this life that was unfolding. I am so grateful for the last 153 days and every single thing that occurred during them. They have meticulously molded this being into who I am today. And I love her.

I fully grasp the idea that when you live, especially when you live out loud and without fear, as I do now, a potential side effect of living like that is pain. I know I may get hurt again. I also know that if I don’t allow myself to be open to that possibility, I will miss out on the opportunity to truly live – and to be loved and cherished. I want to be treasured by another. I want to feel adored. I am looking forward to being able to shower someone with my love and know that he appreciates everything I have to give. I look forward to the chance at being in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, where we push one another to grow and become better versions of who we were yesterday. And because I know now that I am enough, I will never settle for anything less than a partner that elevates me and treats me as I truly deserve.

I love that I now realize that nobody defines my worth for me anymore. I am healthier, and stronger, now than I have ever been before: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I am a dime and watch out, world, because there is no stopping me now.

Yet, I can’t say that I am healed. 153 days surely doesn’t seem like that much time. But, I have grown exponentially. I have had so many epiphanies and have learned a great deal on this journey thus far. Honestly, it feels as though a fire is burning within, burning so brightly that my spark could never be dulled by another again.

I’m filled with light. With gratitude. With vulnerability. With understanding.

This phoenix is rising from her ashes and cannot wait to fearlessly conquer her world. And I am more ready than ever to add color and beauty to whatever shall cross my path.

153 days. Of pain. Of agony. Of tears. Of defeat. All to lead me to where I am today.

I am a dime. And now I know it.

life, love

Grateful for My Ex

A Graceful Catastrophe

If my ex had never cheated on me, I would never have had the opportunity to be who I am today.

So I’m grateful.

How on Earth can I be grateful that my ex betrayed me, you ask? Well, just keep right on reading and you’ll quickly find out.

The other day, I was having dinner with a friend and she fluffed my feathers so much that I’m not entirely sure how I was able to walk out of that restaurant. We met at the gym somewhere around 2 or so months before my world exploded, I think. She says it was around February when we really started to get to know one another, as our friendly competitiveness started to ignite. So, she knew the “old” me, the “married with a child” woman, but also the gym version of the old me, so also pretty confident and semi-outgoing.

Since March 17th, we’ve become incredibly close and she is one of my top “go to” people. She’s been there for me every single day, ready to catch me at any moment, and also has been the one to boldly call me out when I needed it. She’s insightful, supportive, and caring and to say I’m grateful for her is an understatement.

So just the other day, she, once again, (both literally and figuratively) picked me up and proceeded to say all the right things. And I love the analogy she gave.

She said that when she first met me, talking about the “me before,” she could see I had this fire within. Yet, it was small and controlled. Beautiful and radiant, though reserved and perhaps a bit protected, but you could still see it, as though looking at a small campfire through a transparent glass covering.

She said that now I’m like this uncontrolled wildfire that is igniting the world around me. The true essence of who I am, who I want to be, is finally able to flourish. The glass covering has been removed and the spark set alight all that I had allowed to die – there’s no stopping me now. There is nothing to stifle me, and I am no longer living in someone else’s shadow.

You see, my ex is a true extrovert. The life of the party. My ex is just so full of life and fun, and for a long while, complete and utter irresponsibility, there had to be someone to balance that all out. I was still me, still fun, just a subdued, and at times, highly irritable, version of me. Without realizing it, I allowed myself to fall into the roll of “responsible mom” and “boring wife.” And it’s exhausting being the only consistent parent, the one working hard to raise a child that had darn well better be greatly beneficial to society.

My ex didn’t make the greatest “parent partner.” Not only did he travel often, he just wasn’t ever consistent or that into doing the “parenting” part. He was the fun dad. So, since my goal was to raise an exceptional human, and I wasn’t getting that much help from my spouse, that’s where all my energy went. Don’t screw up at being a mom was on repeat in my head. I couldn’t be anything else, it was far too exhausting to be anything but the stable and responsible one.

Now, he has given me freedom. My ex has to be the responsible one now, too. And I can finally figure out who in the hell I really am. I’ve played roles for so many years, but never really fully “being,” anyone. I was merely existing. And, guys, ugh…man, was I ever afraid. I was intimidated by the world around me. I was comfortable in my role, being the hard working teacher, the good mom, the responsible, rule following woman. Anything outside of my comfort zone made me super nervous.

Then, March 17th at 6:08 pm, my world became incredibly uncomfortable. And there was nothing I could do about it. My new reality hit me like a complete shit storm and I was covered in it for a while. Through the storm, though, I’m coming out stronger. It’s like it ended up being fertilizer and I’m growing like crazy. *get it? hahaha*

I’m no longer afraid. My interactions with the world have completely changed. My friend told me something along the lines that I put out this energy that attracts others – it’s like I’m glowing and they are drawn to the warmth of my light. (See? I told you she super fluffed my feathers.)

And it’s true. She’s absolutely right. No matter where I go, it seems, I either know someone or I find myself talking with someone new within a few minutes. These interactions add so much value to my life! And I am so incredibly thankful for each new encounter because every new experience is helping to shape who I am, helping me to rise above who I once was, and blossom into this marvelous new being.

There’s a song on my playlist that is purposely on there to remind me to be grateful for my ex, for throwing me into this new world of mine. The song is A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. Every single time I hear it, a huge smile spreads across my face. Here are the lyrics that are the most meaningful to me:

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger…

Getting along without you baby
I’m better off without you baby…
I’m getting stronger without you baby”

Sara Evans – a little bit stronger

It’s all so true. I am a new me, thanks to him, and I am getting along okay without him and I know I’m better off without him. Even on my weakest days, I’m fearless. He has given me the gift of fearlessness! Guys, I’m not even kidding – I wouldn’t go to Target after dark, for fear that something awful and catastrophic would happen… *facepalm*

Now, something awful and catastrophic has happened. And guess what? I survived. Not only am I surviving, it has ignited something within that is truly beautiful.

I go to restaurants and bars alone now. Happily. And I hike alone. Super happily! And I even go to Target after dark now. (Shocking, I know.) I approach someone that I want to talk to, without fear or concern, which has led me to engage in a multitude of interesting conversations.

All of these experiences are shaping me. They’re helping me grow into my true self. This is all helping me to discover who I am, who I want to be, and what ignites my fire within. I am not who I once was and I’m so grateful to my ex for that.

I am stronger now than I ever was. And I’m fearless. Because nothing will hurt me like I’ve been hurt. No rejection will be as painful as this has been. For those of you who have been shattered – you understand how freeing this feeling is. Will I fall again? Will life come at me sideways again? Of course! But I now know I am strong enough to stand up and face whatever the universe decides to throw at me. My flame is far too great and has spread into every corner of my world…there’s no dousing this wildfire.

So, ex husband of mine, since I know you read these “articles,” as you call them, thank you. Thank you for putting my entire world into such a tailspin that I lost myself so completely that I had to figure out who in the hell I really am. Thank you for putting me into a situation where I could become fearless.

Thank you for shattering the glass dome that was keeping my flame from growing. Thank you for igniting this wildfire. I will be forever grateful for your actions because without them, I would never have had to dig out from the depths of despair and rise above. I would’ve never had the opportunity to discover this new and fearless me.

This wildfire is spreading and igniting all that it touches.

And from the ashes, “I am getting stronger without you, baby.”

And to your lovely, thank you for taking the time to read my blog – hopefully this one isn’t “too preachy” and “almost unreadable.” *wink*