Tag: growth mindset

life, travel

Soul Re-defining

A Graceful Catastrophe

Ahh, traveling… When once upon a time, we were allowed to take these soul changing journeys.

Since we can’t go anywhere for now, come along on a photographic journey with me at Craig’s Impressions and read about the moment that rocked me to my core…to the instant that I woke up and realized who exactly I am.

Have you had these soul re-defining moments? Do you still struggle to try to prove to others, or to yourself, who you are?

While I still have my moments, they are thankfully few and far between. I am confident and secure in who I am and while I can still be shaken by threatening and abusive words, it doesn’t take much to remember who I really am.

Remember that you are enough. That only you define your self worth and write the narrative of your life. And it is not your responsibility how others choose to see you, only how you choose to see yourself.

Focus on the beauty that abounds and surrounds, and, more importantly, that lives within you. Have a phenomenal day and I hope you feel the love that I am sending your way.

life

365 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

It’s supposed to be a lucky day. St. Patrick’s Day. The luck of the Irish, right? Well, perhaps, in hindsight, today continues to be lucky…despite last year’s events and this year’s pandemic shutting everything down. When viewed properly, March 17th is indeed a lucky day. It’s all about perspective…

There are distinct moments in our lives where we are shoved off our path with such great force that we’ve lost the old path completely and find ourselves battered and bruised in unknown territory. It hurts. It’s scary. And you’re absolutely lost.

But that exact moment, that figurative violent kick from the universe, was exactly what you needed to wake up and learn lessons you refused to learn the easy way. You weren’t entirely and intentionally doing anything to grow, so the beautiful universe then decided to intervene.

I flew off my path at 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019 and face planted elsewhere, landing in unknown and very painful territory. I spent the majority of the last 365 days rediscovering not only who I am, but deciding who I want to be.

This past week has been a lot harder than I anticipated. I love the path I’m currently walking. I love the people I am walking it with. I love myself. I love.

So why have these days been so hard?

It hit me on Sunday. The insecurities that overwhelm you when you’ve been cheated on are abundant. I…

Oof. I just had to walk away. This is surprisingly turning out to be one of the hardest blogs I’ve written. The feelings and thoughts filling my very being right now are so painful and I was not expecting this time to be so challenging. These emotions have caught me completely off guard.

It’s like, everything I’ve reflected on and had thought was nicely processed and behind me is right in front of my face again. It’s like I’m her again. The me I was a year ago. The one who was inadequate in all aspects of her life. Everything is rushing back to the surface and I feel buried in all that shit all over again.

Growth is work. Constant work. Constant positive self-talk, to drown out the voice that seems to always be there, ready to lie to you. And I’m trying so hard to shut that voice up. I thought I had. Ugh, it had been silent for months.

But today…today is hard. I feel inadequate.

At least today, I know that feeling is a lie.

Because I’m not only adequate. I far exceed that. I’m not just enough – I am more than enough. And today, well, today is weird. But, on most days, it doesn’t matter if others don’t see that. Because, quite simply, I do.

So that’s the key. I have to fill my head with positive self-talk. And surround myself with people who lift me up…who remind me that I am strong and amazing…who tell me they’re grateful I’m in their lives. There’s no doubt that my ex’s negative words became the voice in my head, filling my being with lies for years upon years. And there’s also no doubt that my community has gotten me to where I am today. They never hesitate to fill me with unconditional love and encourage me with their uplifting words.

My community has supported me for the full 365 days that have past, seemingly, in a flash. They never once judged me, ridiculed me, or left my side for even a second. They chose to lift me up when I fell and I had so many shoulders to cry on – which was necessary because there was a bit of a flood for a while. They never condemned me for how I chose to process the pain. They believed in me. Not only that, but they believed in love for me when I was sure it didn’t – couldn’t – exist. It is also because of my community that I was able to be vulnerable and dream of love again…because I felt their love so deeply that I knew it surely must exist in reality.

It isn’t easy to come out on the other side from a catastrophe. It takes careful diligence, intention, and far too many difficult moments of seeing who you are at your core. And it truly takes a village.

But it pays off.

So now I’m taking a moment to pause. As I close my eyes, I see myself standing in the middle of this beautiful, blossoming path, so fragrant with brand new, blooming life that I can no longer smell the shit that covered me just days, weeks, and months ago. And as I open my eyes and look around, I see my people who have willingly chosen to accompany me on this journey.

This new community is filled with not only my tried and true, been-there-for-every-step-of-all-my-journeys soulmates, but also people who have come into my life that I never fathomed could ever exist. These significant souls keep pushing me to grow, to dig deeper in order to discover the true roots of my pain, so that I can continue to properly heal my past wounds. And as I take this symbolic meandering down my new path, I can give myself a little pat on the back, pause to smile, and realize how far I’ve really come.

It was this past Tuesday, March 10, that I realized the date. And the week that followed has been a roller coaster. I was incredibly on edge and the people closest to me felt that chaotic energy and, thankfully, dealt with it with grace. I purposely pushed buttons over the weekend, as the emotions that were coming out by then were anger and insecurity. And then I started to write this past Sunday afternoon, when the anger had finally left and was replaced completely by intense self-doubt and vulnerability.

And I continued to write, well into Tuesday, March 17, but now in yet another significantly different place.

When I had to walk away, when I had a bit of a breakdown while writing…that began to heal me. When I wrote on Monday, I felt uplifted. I finally saw my baggage. I had been holding something so heavy all week but I didn’t know what it was. Just that it was an incredible burden. It was weighing me down and turning me into my former self – though I was fighting it hard.

But then, after a lengthy chat with a soul that truly gets me, I was able to stand in front of that figurative mirror, my dear old friend from the past year, that I hadn’t stood before in months. And I saw what that weight was. I saw the roots of those feelings of inadequacy.

And what I saw surprised me.

My ex did some work to bring me down and led me to believe I wasn’t enough. Years of it. Well into the wee hours of this morning, it hit me. I realized that what was really happening was that he was projecting onto me the pains from his own childhood, the feelings of never being enough for his own father. Growing up, no matter what he did, he couldn’t get his dad’s approval or attention. I can’t even imagine how inadequate that makes a young boy feel and how heavy that makes a little boy’s heart. The pain that my ex has lived with, of never feeling like he was enough…that’s heartbreaking. And he didn’t know how to process that pain, so he projected it onto me, causing his pain to be mine.

Ultimately, he cheated, I think, because I devalued him. Just like his dad had. I unknowingly and unintentionally triggered the memories of that same old pain from childhood because I wasn’t being nurtured how I needed to be. It was a vicious cycle. He didn’t give me what I needed, so I didn’t give him what he needed. I didn’t behave with understanding or compassion.

I see now, though, that I wasn’t getting what I needed from him, not because he didn’t want to give it to me, but because he was just too broken to do so. I took his pain personally and then internalized it all, because, frankly, I didn’t know any better. I didn’t understand because I had never really read the whole story. Looking at him today, I know now that he loved me, although that was something I’d questioned for the last 6 years of our marriage, causing more hurt and resentment. He just had no clue how to show it because he couldn’t overcome the hurt in his heart that’d been simmering there for decades.

Cheaters are victims, too. They cheat because they’re trying to cover their pain, ignoring it by finding solace, even for just a few moments, in somebody – anybody – who will give them the attention they’ve been seeking since childhood.

One year later, I understand. He never intended to intentionally hurt me. I was just the collateral damage to his trauma.

So I see it – and feel it – a bit more clearly now. I am not insignificant or inadequate. And I am not a victim.

I think I can finally move forward in grace, as I now have an understanding of what occurred like never before. Perspective is beautiful.

365 days later. What. A. Year!

Today, my heart swells with compassion for my ex. And I’m also thrilled to have been catapulted onto this path I am walking today, filled with these once-strangers who see me, push me, and help me to grow, and who I am now lucky enough to call my family.

As we navigate this new season all of us are entering, with our country, no, our global community, at a virtual standstill, I think it’s important that we embrace these hard-earned lessons. None of us fully understands another’s story because we’re all reading it through our own filters. If we take a moment to step outside of ourselves, to remove our personal filter, to change our perspectives, we can then begin to live with true compassion.

From the beginning I’ve wanted to live through this catastrophe with grace. I can see the bigger picture now. We all have our hurts. Therefore, it only makes sense that we all give grace, live with love in our hearts, assume best intent in others, and treat everyone with kindness and true tenderness. Life is hard. It’s going to be a touch harder now that everything is shut down and social distancing is a thing. As humans, we are naturally social beings. So, give love in whatever capacity you can. Be gracious. And if someone hurts you, try to approach the situation with mercy and understanding. Hurt people hurt people. Try not to add to their hurt.

I wish you all an open heart so you can feel the peace, love, and luck on this very odd St. Patrick’s Day.

life

Like A Bull in a China Shop

A Graceful Catastrophe

** I wrote this blog 2 days ago, on a note taking app on my phone, because I was staying in a remote village in northern Greece and had no WiFi to publish it. So, I updated it by striking through the original time references. **

Life is a journey. Duh.

Okay, fine. Sure. But, let’s explore that a minute. First, let’s define “journey.” Merriam Webster’s online dictionary says, “something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another.”

I’ve been saying, in my writing, that this has been a journey for me. I’ve been moving through time, my mindset passing from one stage to the next. So, sure, a journey. I’ve oftentimes referred to it as a roller coaster ride. Or to that of riding the wave. Today’s analogy is a bit different.

Eight months ago, I was drowning. I was doing everything and anything to keep the flood of emotions from bringing me down. It didn’t matter, though. For a while, they still did. And then, every now and then, I’d come up for a breath before being completely washed over by them again.

This phase lasted a really long time. Well, it felt like it, at least.

Then, after so much exhausting and draining hard work, I was finally ashore. I’d made it through the initial chaos. I thought I was in a great place then! I felt happier. I felt like everything was leveling out, in a way.

But, thanks to constant self-reflection, I realized that wasn’t quite right, either. I wasn’t quite on the other side of this whole catastrophe yet.

Today A couple days ago, I realized I’ve been living quite like a bull in a china shop this whole time. I just did. If I wanted it, I pursued it, bought it, did it, you fill in the verb. I thought I was this strong, empowered woman. Look at me!! I can do anything!

Well, yep. True. I am.

It just doesn’t mean that I should.

Oof. That was major today the other day. I physically felt the change in my being. Honestly. And that realization came from a moment with my photographers where, to be quite frank, my actions were entirely disrespectful. Though, obviously, completely unintentional. That doesn’t matter, though. I was still careless and thoughtless. Definitely not one of my best moments. *sigh* (That one is a self-reflective sigh, Billy, rather than a content one, but still good.)

While on this trip, I’ve learned more than I can even begin to process, I think. So, let’s just chat for a moment about what led up to this great epiphany.

Lesson of the day: Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.

We all live life through our own lenses, further masked by our own unique filters.

The way we communicate – what is said and what is heard, passes through these first. The speaker delivers the message in a certain way based on personal history. The listener receives the information, interpreting, acknowledging, and responding based on their own backgrounds, without even realizing that is what is happening. (It’s truly a wonder how anyone effectively communicates!)

Let me explain, in detail, so you may understand. Today The other day, we visited a gorge. A gorgeous gorge, if you will. *wink* I was told to be careful.

Okay. Got it.

Well, my interpretation of being careful was slightly different than that of my cautious Greek guides. You see, there was this short wall, a deliberate divide between life and death. Of course, I wasn’t going to walk all along it, or even dangle my legs on the other side. That’d just be absurd!  But, sitting on it felt perfectly safe. To me. I was steady. So I did it. Their definition, as it turns out, was for me to keep my feet firmly planted on life’s side, not balancing on the edge between life and death…as was mine. I’ve grown quite comfortable living in that space and didn’t think twice about it.

But here’s what got to me. I didn’t see their perspective. Never even thought about it. I knew what I felt comfortable with and went with that.

But I forgot a very important detail. It’s not all about me. While on this workshop, I am their responsibility. They are in charge of my safety. And I complicated that for them. Ugh.

I think that I had lived with such a healthy dose of fear for so long that when catastrophe struck my home…my heart, my pendulum swung to the extreme. If I can do it, I’m going to do it. And I can do anything. So…bull in a china shop.

Yeah, that’s not exactly the best philosophy. *facepalm*

Respecting another means meeting somebody where he or she is at, not where you think they should be. I needed this reminder today. And I appreciate the lesson.

Both Billy and Chris called me out on this, each in their own way. That’s so important. I find that I’m surrounding myself more and more with people who aren’t afraid of challenging me. Of holding me to a higher standard. Of calling me out, kindly and through thoughtful conversation, when my behavior needs checked.

I knew I was coming for a photography workshop…who knew I’d be walking away with such a meaningful lesson from them, too.

I got slightly chastised, in the kindest of ways, for disrespecting nature and boundaries. From my perspective, that was not my intention, of course. I’d never be outright disrespectful to such kindhearted individuals or to sweet Mother Nature. I didn’t see anything wrong with sitting on that wall – because I understood my boundaries and felt safe. However, in situations such as these, I’m learning that you should go with the least common denominator, so to speak. They were less comfortable, they’re in charge of my safety, they have a vastly different perspective based on their knowledge of what has taken place at that gorge (and plenty of tragedies have occurred there). I never took the time to look at it from their eyes. I lacked true compassion and understanding in that moment. And that makes me quite sad.

After today’s little reprimand (I mean, it wasn’t even a reprimand, really. Just that awareness was given.), I see things a bit differently. I feel that my pendulum is coming back towards center. Thankfully.

I learned, today yessssterday (B & C understand this… Okay, it wasn’t yesterday anymore, but I have to leave this one. *hahaha* ), that properly respecting another, even nature, is to consider a perspective other than your own. Sometimes, you have to switch your lens, look past the filter that’s masking your view, and take a moment to pause and really study what’s going on in front of you before acting.

The lessons just keep coming, and I think it’s because my spirit is truly open to it all. The peace within is growing exponentially.

And the more peace I get, the more inconsequential other aspects of my life become. The things that matter to me, right now in this moment, are: my daughter and her journey, rocking my business, really opening my heart and truly living with authentic grace, and my newfound love for solo travel.

There’s no bull there.

It’s time to calm it down. Just breathe through these moments. Sigh those happy, contented sighs that I do when all is right in my world (Because it’s all good.).

I’m not going to be a bull in a china shop any longer. Yes, of course I can do everything and anything I choose. But that’s not the point. The real lesson here is, I shouldn’t, despite the fact that I can.

It’s time to incorporate a little caution into my life. Embrace the pause. Consider the perspectives of those around me. Because they matter. Especially when I respect and love them. I don’t want to be in a position again where I inadvertently disrespect someone because I don’t even think to show compassion. If I slow down, just a smidge, I can really take a moment and think about how my actions will make another feel.

All I want is to add value in others’ lives. And it’s difficult to do that when you’re behaving like a bull in a china shop. One of the characteristics I find the most admirable is the ability to pause and utilize boundaries. When you’re teetering on the edge of life and death, literally and figuratively, it’s hard to consider anything other than your current situation. And that is totally valid. That space is but momentary. One shouldn’t linger there, I think. That’s far too volatile of a way of living. So, now that I am able to find that balance again, or at least head towards it, I can remember to take a nice breath and then enjoy the pause in that moment.

I suppose old habits die hard. Though I am no longer teetering, my feet aren’t quite firmly planted yet. They’re getting there, though. And as Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.”

And after these 6 magical days, I do know better.

This has been so much more than a photography workshop. I’m leaving with more than merely knowledge and skills from all the hands-on photography lessons from two absolutely incredibly talented photographers. I’ve learned how to take a proper landscape photo, and even how to take a killer pano, aaaaannnnnnddddd (*wink*) I’ve learned countless other priceless lessons.

This solo travel trip has also given me the realization that Greek is definitely the sexiest language I’ve ever heard spoken and my photographers have an incredible ability to lull me to sleep with their melodic and soothing conversation (I think I lasted 5 minutes on any given road trip before I was laying down and out cold for a nap). And after the daily Greek language lessons and immersion, I’m even walking away with a few phrases that I’ll be incorporating into my life back home (and will be learning more, for sure).

From meaningful life lessons and deep philosophical conversations, to daily Greek language lessons (I’ll figure out oxi one day!), and finally to even the tiniest of details like mastering the fine art of taking a proper sniff, as Billy says about their workshops, “We are an open school.”

And that is absolutely no exaggeration.

I can credit my Greeks with giving me the necessary info to change. I’m done living the frantic lifestyle of being a bull in a china shop. My spirit is at peace. I don’t need anymore bull in my life.

Now that I’ve decided to remove the bull filter, it’s so much easier to see that every moment in our lives is an opportunity to learn and, therefore, to grow. We just have to be willing to see it, reflect on it, and then put in the hard work.

There are some things that have now been firmly rooted in my being. Like the knowledge that I am strong, capable, and enough. And, more importantly, I now know that there is further strength in the restraint. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.


life

I Hate My Life

A Graceful Catastrophe
No truer truth has been spoken to me in recent months.

Seriously. I hate it. How did I get here???

I see my daughter every other week. I get the equivalent of about 4.5 more years with her before she goes off to college. And that’s being generous.

I am traveling out of the country next week and spent the day trying to figure out how to not come home.

Because I don’t want to be around family. At. All. If I can’t have my daughter, I don’t want to be around anyone’s family.

I don’t want to be around happiness.

Not during Thanksgiving.

Sure. I have plenty to be grateful for…of course!

I’d be fine seeing single people filled with gratitude. And spending my time with those single people.

But absolutely no happy families. Because I don’t have a happy family.

So, I think I’ve decided to road trip. Just so I can avoid my life a little bit longer. Because I really hate this reality.

Today has been a struggle. All day long. I woke up upset. I cried during my workouts. I cried in between them. I cried when I came home from them. Then I had to pull it together so I could work.

And thank goodness I love what I do and who I spend my time with while at work. Because they made all the difference today.

But then, I had to come home…

And I remembered that I hate my life.

I’ll be 39 next month.

This isn’t where I’m supposed to be.

At least, not personally. Professionally, things are wonderful. I’m grateful for how I get to earn a living. I’ve never been happier, professionally speaking, than I am right now.

But personally? Ugh. Disgusting.

I’m ashamed of myself.

Truly.

Well, I wrote this Monday night, after a pretty terrible day where I was all up in my head and my feels. And, to be perfectly honest, after consuming a hefty-sized margarita.

Rather than erase/edit it heavily, I’m leaving it.

Guys, I am not as strong as I seem. I have my moments. I have entire days! I cried during my morning workouts Monday morning (feel free to check out my Instagram, where I made a brutally honest post). All of these emotions are exhausting to process – still. The roller coaster isn’t as wild and extreme as it once was, and I’m ever so grateful for that! Yet, I’m still on it. It’s still quite the ride. I’ve learned, over time, that when I’m not living with complete honesty – to myself and those around me – my days are much harder.

I have much more anxiety. I binge eat, and then feel terrible (at one point, I was up almost 20 pounds from 2 months ago. I’m dropping it back down, and doing so in a healthy manner). I pick at my cuticles (my M.O. for when I’m way too stressed to handle life). I don’t sleep.

When I’m living a dishonest life, one that lacks authenticity, it really messes with me – mentally and physically.

So, that means I have honest conversations with myself. Seriously. I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, “What the hell are you doing?!” I also don’t tiptoe around others anymore. Not around strangers and not those closest to me.

This is me. I say how I’m feeling. I can’t – and won’t – hide my tears. Even though I want to run away, I refuse to hide.

People have told me that they gain strength from these blogs and from me. Every time I’m grateful, though I’m mostly shocked. I am not that strong. I’m exhausted. I want to run away. I AM running away. And lately, I feel like I sell out a bit of my soul for tiny moments of pure happiness, that come only when it’s convenient. But, for right now at least, I’ve decided that I want to feel that happiness – at any cost.

So, the roller coaster continues. Life’s imbalances continue. My emotions vary from day to day, week to week.

And then, I remember.

Just breathe, girlie. You’ve got this.

Bring it back to this moment right now. And then inhale slowly. And let it out…let it all out.

I did the incline yesterday morning. It’s like my form of meditating. It gets my mind right almost every single time – that workout rarely fails me.

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

What it does for me is so amazing. It’s transformative. And, it hit me, this journey is incredibly symbolic to life. I think that’s why I feel so wonderful every time, after I’ve completed it. It shifts my perspective. The incline is a perfect symbol of how to do life. You tackle this beast one step at a time, sometimes having to tread slowly and carefully, other times throwing caution to the wind so you can hustle to make your goal, and other times you find yourself crawling on all fours because you’re not sure how exactly you’ll make it to your next breath, much less your next step.

But you do! And then, you’re at the top, realizing it wasn’t as bad as it seems – it never is.

Sure, I mean, it’s been plenty bad. I’ve had moments in my life where I’ve felt hopeless, terrible desperation, and everything has just felt pointless. I can think back to specific times where I’ve just wanted to throw in the towel, so to speak, because the thought of doing anything else was simply too exhausting.

I have felt completely and utterly defeated.

There have been some dreadfully dramatic moments where I have cried, laying flat on the floor, face buried in my arms, until a puddle of my own tears formed beneath me.

And then, I breathe through it and another day comes. Because, really, I refuse to succumb to any other choice. For me, there is no other option other than to keep getting back up, no matter how badly I’ve gotten knocked down. Thankfully, I am surrounded by an incredibly strong and positive community, who oftentimes have done the heavy lifting and have picked me back up.

So, one way or another, I’ve always gotten back up.

And every single time, I’m able to stand a bit taller. I feel a bit stronger.

Then, I check in, reminding and reassuring myself that I am, indeed, strong. That I am “enough.” This is so new to me – to believe that I am “enough.” I want to make sure I now continue to realize that I am. Which means I must be aware so that I don’t fall into old habits.

Like I did Monday.

So, I am choosing to create these new habits. Ones where I remind myself who I am. And I keep myself honest, by self-reflecting regularly and asking myself the hard questions. Like, do my actions reflect a life being lived with authenticity? Do I tolerate nonsense because I don’t think I deserve better or is it because I’m choosing to give grace and be understanding? I’m almost constantly checking in with myself to make sure I understand my worth, that I continue to recognize my value. Then, I’m careful to not answer these self-imposed questions until I’m convinced the response I’m giving to myself is actually one I’m certain is the truth.

It takes work to battle my demons.

Yet, I’m finally realizing these demons I am fighting, the ones we all fight in whatever way they show themselves, are not signs of weaknesses. My greatest battles within – understanding my value and believing it, and giving myself grace – are what give me strength, in the long run. By continuously facing those demons head on, by writing them down publicly and not trying to hide them, by acknowledging out loud that I engage in these battles frequently, it reminds me I am human. And that I can use these broken moments to learn and grow.

I refuse to have a fixed mindset. Every single day I can become a better version of myself, if I choose to. Every time I acknowledge that my demons defeated me in certain moments, or for days, I am also acknowledging that I had the strength to face them and get back up again. I am reminded that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.

And that’s my big takeaway from being so in my head this last Monday. I was questioning myself, my integrity, my authenticity, my tolerance…everything, really. And I was beating myself up, refusing to give myself the grace that I deserve, and simply making “it” all bigger and worse in my head than what the reality of this life is.

It’s not as bad as it seemed on Monday. Life is good.

I actually love my life.

I’m beyond grateful for this journey.

Everything just is. Nothing is quite as bad as it seems. Nothing is quite as good as it seems either. No matter how we’re feeling, especially when we’re feeling the extremes, it’s all just so short-lived. The only thing certain is that it all will change. Everything is quite fleeting – situations, feelings, time…

So, I remind myself, once again, to breathe through the moments, especially those where my emotions feel extreme. Nothing lasts forever, at least not without constant effort to make it persist, and that’s true with both positives and negatives. What you feed is what will grow.

So, days like this past Monday will come and go. Days so much better than this last Monday will, too.

All I can do is continue to accept the journey, and breathe through all the moments. Because that’s all life is. Moments. And if we choose our focus correctly, they’re all good.

life, love

Grateful for My Ex

A Graceful Catastrophe

If my ex had never cheated on me, I would never have had the opportunity to be who I am today.

So I’m grateful.

How on Earth can I be grateful that my ex betrayed me, you ask? Well, just keep right on reading and you’ll quickly find out.

The other day, I was having dinner with a friend and she fluffed my feathers so much that I’m not entirely sure how I was able to walk out of that restaurant. We met at the gym somewhere around 2 or so months before my world exploded, I think. She says it was around February when we really started to get to know one another, as our friendly competitiveness started to ignite. So, she knew the “old” me, the “married with a child” woman, but also the gym version of the old me, so also pretty confident and semi-outgoing.

Since March 17th, we’ve become incredibly close and she is one of my top “go to” people. She’s been there for me every single day, ready to catch me at any moment, and also has been the one to boldly call me out when I needed it. She’s insightful, supportive, and caring and to say I’m grateful for her is an understatement.

So just the other day, she, once again, (both literally and figuratively) picked me up and proceeded to say all the right things. And I love the analogy she gave.

She said that when she first met me, talking about the “me before,” she could see I had this fire within. Yet, it was small and controlled. Beautiful and radiant, though reserved and perhaps a bit protected, but you could still see it, as though looking at a small campfire through a transparent glass covering.

She said that now I’m like this uncontrolled wildfire that is igniting the world around me. The true essence of who I am, who I want to be, is finally able to flourish. The glass covering has been removed and the spark set alight all that I had allowed to die – there’s no stopping me now. There is nothing to stifle me, and I am no longer living in someone else’s shadow.

You see, my ex is a true extrovert. The life of the party. My ex is just so full of life and fun, and for a long while, complete and utter irresponsibility, there had to be someone to balance that all out. I was still me, still fun, just a subdued, and at times, highly irritable, version of me. Without realizing it, I allowed myself to fall into the roll of “responsible mom” and “boring wife.” And it’s exhausting being the only consistent parent, the one working hard to raise a child that had darn well better be greatly beneficial to society.

My ex didn’t make the greatest “parent partner.” Not only did he travel often, he just wasn’t ever consistent or that into doing the “parenting” part. He was the fun dad. So, since my goal was to raise an exceptional human, and I wasn’t getting that much help from my spouse, that’s where all my energy went. Don’t screw up at being a mom was on repeat in my head. I couldn’t be anything else, it was far too exhausting to be anything but the stable and responsible one.

Now, he has given me freedom. My ex has to be the responsible one now, too. And I can finally figure out who in the hell I really am. I’ve played roles for so many years, but never really fully “being,” anyone. I was merely existing. And, guys, ugh…man, was I ever afraid. I was intimidated by the world around me. I was comfortable in my role, being the hard working teacher, the good mom, the responsible, rule following woman. Anything outside of my comfort zone made me super nervous.

Then, March 17th at 6:08 pm, my world became incredibly uncomfortable. And there was nothing I could do about it. My new reality hit me like a complete shit storm and I was covered in it for a while. Through the storm, though, I’m coming out stronger. It’s like it ended up being fertilizer and I’m growing like crazy. *get it? hahaha*

I’m no longer afraid. My interactions with the world have completely changed. My friend told me something along the lines that I put out this energy that attracts others – it’s like I’m glowing and they are drawn to the warmth of my light. (See? I told you she super fluffed my feathers.)

And it’s true. She’s absolutely right. No matter where I go, it seems, I either know someone or I find myself talking with someone new within a few minutes. These interactions add so much value to my life! And I am so incredibly thankful for each new encounter because every new experience is helping to shape who I am, helping me to rise above who I once was, and blossom into this marvelous new being.

There’s a song on my playlist that is purposely on there to remind me to be grateful for my ex, for throwing me into this new world of mine. The song is A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans. Every single time I hear it, a huge smile spreads across my face. Here are the lyrics that are the most meaningful to me:

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger…

Getting along without you baby
I’m better off without you baby…
I’m getting stronger without you baby”

Sara Evans – a little bit stronger

It’s all so true. I am a new me, thanks to him, and I am getting along okay without him and I know I’m better off without him. Even on my weakest days, I’m fearless. He has given me the gift of fearlessness! Guys, I’m not even kidding – I wouldn’t go to Target after dark, for fear that something awful and catastrophic would happen… *facepalm*

Now, something awful and catastrophic has happened. And guess what? I survived. Not only am I surviving, it has ignited something within that is truly beautiful.

I go to restaurants and bars alone now. Happily. And I hike alone. Super happily! And I even go to Target after dark now. (Shocking, I know.) I approach someone that I want to talk to, without fear or concern, which has led me to engage in a multitude of interesting conversations.

All of these experiences are shaping me. They’re helping me grow into my true self. This is all helping me to discover who I am, who I want to be, and what ignites my fire within. I am not who I once was and I’m so grateful to my ex for that.

I am stronger now than I ever was. And I’m fearless. Because nothing will hurt me like I’ve been hurt. No rejection will be as painful as this has been. For those of you who have been shattered – you understand how freeing this feeling is. Will I fall again? Will life come at me sideways again? Of course! But I now know I am strong enough to stand up and face whatever the universe decides to throw at me. My flame is far too great and has spread into every corner of my world…there’s no dousing this wildfire.

So, ex husband of mine, since I know you read these “articles,” as you call them, thank you. Thank you for putting my entire world into such a tailspin that I lost myself so completely that I had to figure out who in the hell I really am. Thank you for putting me into a situation where I could become fearless.

Thank you for shattering the glass dome that was keeping my flame from growing. Thank you for igniting this wildfire. I will be forever grateful for your actions because without them, I would never have had to dig out from the depths of despair and rise above. I would’ve never had the opportunity to discover this new and fearless me.

This wildfire is spreading and igniting all that it touches.

And from the ashes, “I am getting stronger without you, baby.”

And to your lovely, thank you for taking the time to read my blog – hopefully this one isn’t “too preachy” and “almost unreadable.” *wink*

life

Embrace the Suck

A Graceful Catastrophe

I am currently separated from a man who is seemingly entirely different from the one I was once married to. This guy is everything I’d hoped my husband could’ve been. He’s vulnerable, thoughtful, insightful, reflective, and genuinely kind.

It only took him hitting rock bottom, making incredibly selfish and hurtful decisions, day in and day out for almost a year, and then losing his family for him to wake up. That’s what he calls it – that he’s had an awakening.

When I first told people what’d happened, and that I was leaving my husband because of it, I also said that I had no idea what that meant for us. Some days I told people that there was no way I would give my marriage a chance again. Other days I responded with not knowing if this would be permanent or if some day, down the road, we’d try to make our marriage work again. The most insightful and loving of people responded with three common replies:

  • you do not have to make any decisions right now,
  • you have to do what’s right for you and your family and only you know what that means, and
  • I support you with whatever decision you make, even if it is to take him back.

I have some pretty incredible people in my life. The lack of judgement shown by the family and friends that surround me has been vitally important to me while I’m on this journey. I’m on a roller coaster and how I feel from one minute to the next varies so significantly that I sometimes think I’m no longer even remotely sane.

Every time I feel the most unbalanced, I reach out to my community. I am not shy about what is going on in my life and because of that, I have people ready to lift me up from every corner of my world. I have been embraced with unconditional love and understanding from “my people.” They are helping me ride this wave and process through all the emotions so that I can reach a logical decision on what it is I want to do moving forward.

I still don’t know.

There’s a lot of work that has to be done between here and there. And I’m so thankful this is not a decision I have to make quite yet. There are still so many emotions clouding my vision that now is not the time to think about anything past today.

So I take it all one moment at a time. That’s probably one of my biggest takeaways from the last 7.5 weeks. I am much better now at not having expectations. I’m much better at just living in the moment and enjoying what this second is bringing me. And I’m also much better at understanding that, while maybe this second sucks, it won’t forever, so keep breathing through it.

I also know that I know nothing. I think I may know something, but, as it turns out, I don’t. And boy, is that ever a freeing feeling! And the only thing that is certain is that nothing is ever certain. Everything is capable of being susceptible to change. And every person is, too. If they truly want to change.

By living with grace and understanding, it turns out my daughter isn’t the only one watching. I am not only showing her how to not hit walls when she’s angry and hurt, I’m showing my (ex) husband, too. And he’s actually seeing it. *mind blown*

He’s got a long road ahead, one of intense healing for the broken, sad little boy that lives within him. And I think he just might be ready to embark on his journey.

You see, if you surround others with love, while holding them accountable, amazing transformations can occur. I’ve seen it all around me. I’ve heard story after story from women who have sent me private messages that they, too, have survived marital affairs and their marriages are now better than ever. I used to have all sorts of judgments and opinions on how a person should behave under certain circumstances. I no longer do. Humans are a truly remarkable species. We’re capable of so much that defies logic. We’re capable of anything that we really, truly, honestly want to achieve. Remind yourself of that. Highlight that sentence. Write this on a sticky and place it on your bathroom mirror: I am powerful.

Mind over matter.

Mindset is everything.

I don’t know yet if we will be one of those positive statistics of a renewed and rekindled marriage but I do know the man my ex is today is not the man he was 2 months ago. And I am not the person I was 2 months ago, either. Both of those versions of ourselves are dead. And who he becomes after this catastrophe, who I become, is up to no one other than ourselves. It hasn’t been easy but I am proud for how I’ve handled myself through this catastrophe. Broken hand, emotional meltdowns, and all. Because I’ve tried, over and over for the last 60 days, to take the high road, to give grace to someone who hadn’t shown that he deserves it.

He’s showing he deserves it now. So while I make no promises, while I am still riding this wave, I will continue to do so with the purest of love and grace that I can muster. I started to behave this way for my daughter but as time goes on, I realize it’s so much bigger than that.

And today, at this part of my journey, I am hopeful. I guess what I’m hopeful for, at the very core of it all, is that my ex can find a way to release the pain he has harbored for well over 3 decades, that he can be genuinely happy on the inside, and that he can begin to reflect that out into the world.

If all of us choose to dig deep, to find true happiness within, then the wave we ride is a bit less tumultuous, isn’t it? When we approach life, and others, with nothing more than genuine love and grace in our hearts, then everyone wins. Life is a bit sweeter. Interactions purer. Hearts fuller.

I choose to live my life like this. Intentionally filled with grace.

Of course I’ll have moments where I let the emotions get the best of me. I’m still a work in progress, still very human. Living with intentional grace takes effort. It’s a skill. As is choosing happiness. And with any skill, it improves with practice. So I will continue my practice and when I make mistakes, I’ll then give myself grace. And continue moving forward.

Because there is no other option but to learn from all of these moments that form my life and use them to improve myself, down to my soul.

My life is a work in progress and I want to be proud of my work. At 38, I didn’t picture my life looking like this. And when I say that, I don’t mean it in the negative. I’ve never felt like my life has had more meaning. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived a more authentic and free life than I am right now. Despite the pain, the emotional roller coaster, the crash of waves changing my direction with every strong gust of wind, I’ve honestly never felt so good.

Whatever happens in this marriage, whether we file the paperwork and legally separate or end up trying to make it work, I know the decision will not be made lightly by either of us. And no matter the decision, it will be the one that works best for the two of us.

For now, everything is too unsettled to make a decision. So that portion of life is paused while things get sorted through. And I am okay with that.

I know many of you are struggling with your own roller coaster, you’re riding your own waves that are crashing down upon you and you have no idea how to keep your head out of water long enough to breathe. I’m also guessing that so much of how you’re feeling is because of how you think you’re supposed to respond because of society’s expectations on you and the expectations you have for yourself.

Let go. Hit the pause button.

Accept the way you feel right now. Honor how you feel because exactly how you feel is how you’re supposed to be feeling. If you fight it, or if you think you can’t behave a certain way because of how others would rather you feel or act, then you aren’t accepting the lesson. This journey is yours and yours alone. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for how you feel. It sucks? Breathe in the suck. Acknowledge how badly it sucks. When others try to be the ray of sunshine and you aren’t feeling it, let them know you’d rather them just rain with you. What the “hail,” maybe even have a full out storm with you (get it? get it? Sometimes you just have to laugh. *cracking up laughing over here*). You can only walk this journey the way you know how to best. And you do know how, you’re just fighting it. Embrace the suck: it is powerful and meaningful and will fill your life with grace and love. If only you let it.

And remember, you are walking this path for you and no one else. Those that genuinely love you will understand that and will be there at any moment you need them. You are never alone, even when you feel the most isolated. So lean on them as needed and without guilt – nothing has helped me more over the last 60 days than my community and the kindness of strangers.

Choose to live out loud. Choose happiness. Choose to learn and grow. Choose to live with intentional grace and love. Then continue to practice everyday, giving grace to yourself when you’ve had a “less than” response.

Remember, mindset is everything and you are powerful enough to control your destiny. Dig deep and live with intentional grace and love. For yourself, for those you love, and for strangers you randomly pass as you live your life.

Look for the good that is all around you. Life is beautiful. Even through the suck. So go ahead and embrace it and then watch how your life transforms.

life

Lucky

A Graceful Catastrophe

I am lucky.

Yes, sure, I am going through some things right now and processing this chapter of my life has been interesting, to say the least. I’m on a wild ride with my emotions, my hand is slowly healing, and my (ex) husband has been so kind that it’s confusing. I’m constantly having to re-evaluate my boundaries and remind myself that life as I once knew it has forever changed. While daily moments feel “normal,” they aren’t.

Yet, I’m lucky.

I have an incredible community that surrounds me with love and continuously lifts me up. I have friends that run away on spontaneous vacations with me. I have friends that, even after well over a month, still check in on me. The families I work for are the most understanding and giving people. My incredibly sweet neighbors surprise me with the most delicious chocolate chip cookies. My parents constantly worry about me and remind me daily that they are there for me and my daughter. My friends and followers on social media, from all over the world, send me messages that they’re thinking of me and make sure I am okay. Today, my house is cleaner and more organized than it has been in months, thanks to two incredibly hard working women. My gym family pushes me through killer workouts so I can keep working on having both a fit body and fit mind. And even my doctor and all the medical staff at the orthopedic group I go to care about me and give me hugs when I go for my check ups. Everyone wants to help.

I hear stories about women who’ve been cheated on and how their spouses responded to getting caught. It’s not pretty. I’m so fortunate that when my (ex) husband’s two worlds collided, it humbled him. He’s been validating me. He’s been complimentary on how I’m handling all of this. He’s being a wonderful father. He knows he needs help and wants it. He’s actually been reflective (he’s never been reflective).

Today, I am happy. Better yet, I’m rather at peace with what has happened. Grateful. I think this is what was necessary to jolt me (us) awake.

So often, we (married couples) get caught in negative cycles and get stuck, both unwilling and unknowing how to get out. My (ex) husband’s actions were equivalent to someone grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me – hard. And actually, now that it’s out in the open, I’d say the same is true for him.

We’re both very much awake.

Which means we can work to do better. Albeit, now as individuals.

And that makes me smile.

Whatever the future has in store for him, for me, for my daughter, I think it’ll be good. We’ll always be a family but we won’t necessarily always be together. And that is okay. Eventually it’ll probably be better than okay.

Today the waves are calmer. And because I fully understand that these moments don’t linger, I’m taking the time to pause and soak it in.

Today, I am grateful for my (ex) husband’s infidelity. My world was shaken, straight down to its core. He lied and manipulated for almost a year. And because of that, I’ve taken honesty to the next level. I want to be the polar opposite of who he was (is?). I am currently living my most honest and authentic life. To me, lying has always been the most despicable character trait. Nothing ever made me more mad than encountering a liar. And here I was, married to one. Yet, oddly enough, I’m finding myself grateful for that very attribute.

Him, having the most loathsome of character flaws, is giving me the opportunity to practice grace and be understanding to an extent I’ve never been able to truly practice before. I consider myself to be patient and kind. I’ve also always found it difficult to forgive a liar.

There has never been a better occasion for me to practice forgiveness. To truly give grace to someone who least deserves it.

His indiscretions are helping me grow to be a me that I may have never been able to become without this adversity.

I sit here and really cannot believe that I’m even feeling this – I’m actually grateful that my husband cheated on me?! And not just, like, an oops, one time thing, but months and months of it?

Yes, I am.

I have been given a chance to practice being a better human. What an amazing opportunity.

I am lucky this happened now. And so very grateful. Since I’m still relatively young, this skill set I am working on mastering is going to serve me well for the next 40 or 50 years of my life.

Maybe this is how we all should approach life’s catastrophes. Mindset is everything. If we look at the events in our lives that shake us to our cores as opportunities to grow, to reflect, to be better humans on this Earth, then we can stop questioning why it happened to us. We don’t have to be victims. We can be incredibly strong and beautiful people, with the capacity to forgive, to give grace, and to love, fully and unconditionally – and not only for others, but, perhaps more importantly, for ourselves, too.

Wouldn’t you want to live in that type of world? I do.

So I will not be bitter. I will stop asking why he did this to our family. I’ll stop feeling like he threw me away. I’ll stop wondering if I’ll ever be enough. I’ll live each day as best as I can (giving myself grace when I make my own mistakes, too).

Look, I am fully aware that today is a good day. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll read this blog and laugh because it’s so “butterflies and rainbows.” Nonetheless, I feel strongly that I am supposed to use this as an opportunity to grow.

Tonight, I will rest better than I have in over a month.

Because tonight, I am going to sleep with a mindset focused on gratitude.

I am really so very lucky.

life

34 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

It’s been 34 days since I found out my husband had been cheating on me since last May. It’s really quite incredible how much can occur in a mere 34 days. And it’s even more amazing how much one can process and grow after experiencing trauma.

I learned that I am capable of emotions I didn’t even think were real. I’ve learned that I am capable of choosing how to digest life. I’ve learned that I can have completely different answers to the same questions, depending on the day, and sometimes the hour, and fully believe that each answer is accurate, though they may be polar opposites. I’ve learned that I can be forgiving in a situation I once judged the heck out of and I’ve learned that PTSD can come in moments as simple as receiving an email notification.

I’ve been uplifted by my community, showered with generosity at levels that have made me cry, been hugged and supported more times than a person should need in just 34 days. I have felt genuine and beautiful love from people who were complete strangers 6 months ago and caring, sweet concern and love from people I’ve known since childhood. My immediate family has rallied behind me, showing me unconditional love by just being there to listen.

I broke my hand and have felt no physical pain, yet experienced emotional pain that cut through my soul. I’ve laughed wonderfully one minute, then ugly cried the next minute. I went from wishing my (ex) husband were dead to hugging him and crying with him, and trying to be empathetic with him about his pain.

All in 34 days.

The 27 or so hours that occurred between this last Thursday night and Friday night were some of the most difficult yet. The mindset I’d chosen after coming back from North Carolina this last Monday has treated me well. I liked the space I was entering. I felt mentally and emotionally strong.

And then something happened that triggered my (ex) husband, something that caused an interesting array of feelings to suddenly appear.

You see, in order to do what he did to me, his head space was such that he didn’t love me anymore. Because no one who actually adores their partner would ever do something like that, over and over again, for almost a year. He didn’t even care about me.

Or so he thought. He realized, late Thursday night, early Friday morning, that he does care about me deeply. He may still love me. And has been consumed with self-hatred, regret, and shame since. He’s finally feeling a fraction of the hurt I feel. He’s discovered empathy.

This has been so hard for me.

You don’t stop loving your husband immediately when something like this happens. Perhaps some people do, but I sure didn’t. He’s a good person, he has a great heart, and he’s the father of my child. So, I had to shut down that love. I had to turn it off. It’s not that I’ve fallen out of love, it’s that I had to bury the love in order to maintain a semblance of sanity.

I also stopped focusing on the pain of the betrayal. I buried the person he was to me. His role as husband was officially dead. Instead, I chose to consciously see him as the person he is to me – still the father of my child and someone who has all the potential to be a great friend. By changing his definition, by choosing to focus my thoughts differently, is how I’ve been able to gracefully move forward. My newly constructed mindset is still quite fluid, though. I’m still grieving, and some days, living through those day to day moments is still a struggle. I am very much still in survivor mode. I’m just here for the journey, riding the wave until the seas calm.

And then the full realization of not only his actions, but his feelings he’d buried so deep, come boiling to the surface, exploding out in such an emotional burst, that it took us both by surprise.

How do I process that?! This doesn’t fit in my nice little mindset frame that I built.

So, yesterday I tried handling it by working out until I was stupid (does anyone else turn dumb after intense workouts?? Is that a thing? Seriously, inquiring minds want to know…), because feeling physical pain and exhaustion is far easier to comprehend than emotional pain and exhaustion. And today I worked out again, pushing my body to its limits, causing me to feel that euphoric high that occurs when you crush a goal.

And you know what? I’m processing it all much better today.

Add that to the list of things I’ve learned in the last 34 days: having a healthy outlet to turn to when the emotions just get too much is life saving. Without exercise, without the community at my gym, I don’t know where I’d be. Having a healthy response (exercising) to wild emotions helps keep me from *accidentally* breaking my bones. I know, a shocking concept, right? *eyeroll*

After my last workout of the day today, my head felt less foggy, my emotions less erratic. My mindset has changed a bit – again – focusing now on the hope that through this pain and trauma, both of us will become better people. We can’t change the past, the choices that were already made, but we can surely focus on becoming better humans. We can both choose to move forward with grace.

David Crosby wrote about pain that was beautiful, really. He said, essentially, that “your pain is changing you.” There is no doubt that this pain is changing the both of us.

This chapter of my life is a full on storm filled with blinding pain and, therefore, an abundance of opportunities to show grace and compassion. I feel that I am a completely different person today than I was 35 days ago. At first I was sad when the old me died, as she was very good to me. Now, in just this short period of time, I’m finding I love the new me even more. Already.

Imagine what 68 days from now will look like. A full year. I don’t know why I’m on this path but there is a purpose to it. Nothing happens to us by accident.

So I, as best as I can, now embrace the trauma. I am grateful for the pain. Without the last 34 days, I would’ve never been who I am now becoming.

We all live through storms, some of our storms are more like a Cat 5 hurricane, some just a quick thunderstorm passing by. One is not greater than the other, all storms come with moments to embrace the ugly and hurt and turn it into something beautiful.

We just have to frame our mindset to see the beauty, rather than the pain. While I fully acknowledge that this isn’t possible all the time, I’ve learned that mindset is everything. We paint our world with our thoughts…and then have to live in that world. Why not make it full of rainbows and butterflies?

So, as you navigate your storms, both present and future, choose your thoughts wisely. As will I.

And always remember, we are all stronger than we think. We all have the ability to overcome.

My strength, currently, comes from reflecting on how much has happened, how much I’ve changed in just 34 days. It gives me hope for the next day, as that is all I can focus on right now. This storm has already lessened in its intensity and I know I’ve already grown exponentially.

I have hope for tomorrow again.

And it’s only been 34 days.

life

Fault Lines

A Graceful Catastrophe

Today was a pretty good day. I chose my mindset when I opened my eyes, though the first hour or so was still pretty difficult. I’d had a dream last night that my (ex) husband and I were getting back together. Just as he was pulling me in for a hug, it all hit me and I pulled away quickly with the sad realization that we could never be an “us” again. And then I woke up.

I only slept about 4 hours last night but barely felt tired today. This is new for me. I used to be chronically ill, filled with constant pain and incredible fatigue. I’d sleep 12 or 13 hours and never feel awake or rested, then I’d have to go teach middle schoolers their math lessons, then come home and try to function until I’d finally collapse at my daughter’s bedtime, sometimes still fully dressed in my work clothes.

These years, where I was a “bad wife,” are thrown in my face as the beginning of the end. It’s hard for me to hear that, though I know I was a pretty terrible wife then. I just had nothing left in me. While I felt immense guilt, there was nothing I could do. For over 4 years I saw doctor after doctor who ran test after test. Eventually, they chalked it up to stress and implied it was all in my head. I was barely hanging on and then on top of that, felt awful for failing miserably as a wife, which I was reminded about. Often. It was my fault.

Fault is an interesting concept. On Earth, faults form as the Earth’s crust deforms due to stress (according to Quora here). In my world, fault was assigned due to stress. Being married to someone who has an invisible and mysterious chronic illness is not easy. It’s hard to understand. And when that someone is like me, someone really good at bucking up and faking it when needed, it just doesn’t look all that bad. So, from the outside, compassion isn’t really necessary, as nothing appears all that wrong. It just ends up looking a lot like a wife that doesn’t care.

Fault lines are surely different sizes, I’d imagine. The greater the stress, the greater the divide. My world now has a fault line so great, nothing could bridge the gap. But it didn’t start that way. My world now has 2 sides, the before and the after. The fault line has been steadily growing wider, year after year. I naively always thought it’d be passable. With time and effort, a strong enough bridge could be built and the memory of the gap would fade.

The thing about these fault lines that we all have is that most of us remember the exact date the bridge crumbled because the gap finally widened too far. It splits our history into the before and after. There’s no going back, nothing to unite the two sides once again.

I have two world-shattering fault lines that irrevocably transformed my life and a new me had to be defined. I survived the first, though it wasn’t pretty and many mistakes were made. I know I’ll survive this one, too, and hopefully with a lot more grace and a lot less mistakes along the way.

Take a minute and think about your world shattering fault line(s). Who were you before your world shattering news? Who are you now? Can you define several new strengths you now have, thanks to having to stare down that stress?

I was talking with a friend tonight and she’d mentioned how she compared her position in life, battling with her own earth shattering catastrophe, to those lives she saw on social media. It upset her and quickly led her down the “why me” path. She’s not alone. People do that all the time because a simple truth is forgotten: we all are weathering a storm. Coming with that reminder, the realization that life is easy for no one, she commented that she wishes life would just be easy.

But honestly, where would that get us? Life is not meant to be easy. We are meant to be challenged. We are meant to constantly grow and adapt, to discover new strengths that can only exist after trudging through the worst catastrophes.

So, I remind myself, and any of you who may need it, of two very important things:

  • we are all battling a storm, desperately trying to not get struck by lightning or be carried away by a tornado, and
  • if we do get lost in the storm, fried by lightning, buried in an avalanche…we are all strong enough to get out.

Like I said, today I’m in a good place. My mindset is focused on the good. While I’m not a huge fan of the situation I’m in, there’s nothing else I should do but focus my energy on becoming a better version of myself as I work through it. My first step along the way was to have a little impromptu mini funeral for my old self, while standing at my dining room table. The old me was pretty great and I was sad to tell her goodbye.

However, this mess with my (ex) husband is giving me an opportunity to learn how to eventually be pretty darn incredible, to be an even better version of myself. I have been given this catastrophe as an opportunity to self-reflect, to chat with my trusted and wise community, to learn how to do the seemingly impossible with grace and class. Today, I am using this challenge to change me for the better.

Over the last 3 weeks, I’ve stumbled and fallen into the depths of the fault line. Today, I’m starting to climb out. I may stumble and fall deeper again, but one thing I know for certain is that I will fight and claw my way out onto the other side. I’ll stand tall, in the bright sun, in a world filled with rainbows and butterflies once again. It’s surely going to be an exhausting journey. But in the end, it’ll be worth it.

Because my daughter is worth it. And because I am worth it.

And so are you. So, if you’ve fallen down into the profound darkness of your fault line, if you’re at all being blamed for the catastrophe you’re in, or if you’re blaming yourself, take a breath. Seriously, right now, take a deep breath (I just did) and remind yourself that you are in this storm to grow into a new and improved, tough as nails, amazing state-of-the-art you. And fault has no place along that path. You absolutely are strong enough to climb out.

So, let’s all focus on the rainbows and the sunshine because they’re there, waiting to be noticed.