gym family – A Graceful Catastrophe

184 Days

September 18, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

This might be the day that I quit counting. 184 days might be the “magic number.” Some time ago, a friend told me that I should quit counting the days, that it wasn’t healthy, and asked if I was waiting on some magic number of days to pass when everything would be right in my world again.

Well, it’s here.

And it only took 6 months.

I doubt I’ll finish writing in time to publish this on September 17th, but that’s the date right now. To be exact, it’s 6 months, 4 hours, and 20 minutes from the time I received the email from my ex’s Ashley Madison lovely, exposing his double life. Exposing his infidelity. And exposing just the tip of the iceberg of the multitude of betrayals that would unfold over time.

Today, I celebrate that email. Today, I have a sense of peace and calm that I haven’t had in decades. I don’t think I’ve felt like this since July 31, 1998. And even then, I was just a kid.What did I know? Now, I have so much more experience that I approach that which life hands me with a sense of peace that has probably never existed within me.

My first husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. As was my second. Over time, without realizing it, I became an entirely different person than I tried to portray. My inner dialogue was painful and harsh. I thought very little of myself, while simultaneously trying to be the person on the outside that I desperately wanted to be on the inside.

I was living a lie. And it was exhausting.

I wanted nothing more than to live an authentic life. I’ve recently looked at an old journal, from several years ago, where I specifically wrote out “live an authentic life” as one of my goals – but I couldn’t. Because my internal message never matched what I presented to the world.

And it happened again, just yesterday. I have a dear friend group of moms at my gym. There are 5 of us in total and one of the moms bought us all hats. She carefully picked out the sayings for each of us, being deliberate and intentional with our phrases.

My hat says, “I’ll bring the dance moves.” I immediately thought it was given to me ironically because, as my internal dialogue has always affirmed – I don’t dance.

But then she explained that I’m always moving at the gym, dancing to the music. And it made me pause. I do dance! I dance without a care in the world at the gym! I’m confident there, and surrounded by people that love me and are just as crazy and ridiculous as I am. It’s my safe place. And I am completely comfortable there, surrounded by my friends-turned-family, that love me dearly.

I do dance.

I am in a news video clip, promoting our gym, that was taken last week. In the clip, you can see me dancing. I knew the news crew was there, yet I was in my zone, in my happy place, and I was dancing. Without a care in the world.

I do bring the dance moves.

Such a simple moment, with such profound results.

Once again, my internal dialogue was feeding me lies! The people around me see an entirely different person than the way I see myself and that has got to continue to change. Little by little, my worlds are coinciding.

I feel as though I’m finally achieving my goal. I’m living authentically. My internal dialogue is filled with positive messages to myself.

For example, I have (had?) body dysmorphia. I’d look in the mirror and see a completely different person than what others would see in me (hmm, I’m seeing a pattern here…). I’d stand on the scale and berate myself, calling myself a heifer and other such names. I wasn’t very kind to myself. *sigh*

But why?

Looking back, I think it’s because I was beat down for so long. I wasn’t enough for the people I loved – ever. I was criticized and humiliated. Accused and attacked. For decades.

So, the external onslaught became my internal dialogue.

And then, March 17th happened. And I started seeing my therapist frequently. I don’t recall now, but I think it was once a week, though at the very beginning, it might’ve even been twice each week. I just can’t remember.

But, man, is my therapist out of this world.

(PSA: Guys, go get yourself a good mental health professional. No matter how you're feeling, seeing a therapist should be a part of your general self-care routine - even if it's quarterly, just to check in. Go.)

Okay…where was I?

Ahh, yes. My therapist calls me out. He doesn’t tiptoe around things. He knows I’m a perfectionist and tells me to knock it off, to quit playing “God.” He’s blunt. He’s seen me break down and ugly cry in his office because I didn’t believe the words he was telling me. I was so broken and had spent so many years beating myself up that I found myself unworthy. I believed the negativity my ex spewed at me. And I didn’t believe my therapist or anyone else who tried to tell me differently. Well, until this last month or so, when it just clicked after one of my appointments with him.

At this specific appointment, I left feeling defeated. I was still crying as I walked to my car. He had told me to re-frame my thoughts and gave me a replacement dialogue to use. I looked at him through my tears and shook my head. I told him I couldn’t say those things to myself because they were lies. I didn’t believe them. How could those things possibly be true???

He sighed, and with a look of sadness for me that he just couldn’t mask, he agreed to give me another option. For now, he said…one that was neutral and I was much more comfortable with saying to myself.

And I did. Anytime I needed to re-frame my inner dialogue, I repeated the second option. Until one time, I repeated the first. And it felt good. It felt honest. And I smiled. Because I believed it.

And I haven’t stopped believing my new inner dialogue.

Until I received the hat and the first thought in my head was, “I don’t dance.”

My inner voice still lies to me. I suppose we all deal with insecurities and things we’ve convinced ourselves of that, with enough confidence and self-reflection, we can find to be utterly untrue.

I do dance. Happily and ridiculously. And it took a dear friend to see that in me to make me realize this truth about myself.

I am finally listening to the positive messages people tell me. I no longer think I am unworthy of those messages. I no longer believe they’re just feeding me lines of complete garbage, just to try to make me feel better. I’m listening to the correct messages now and it’s changing who I am.

I used to worry about every little thing. I called myself a catastrophizer. I saw the negative outcome in anything. With some things, it turned into paralyzing fear.

Now, I simply ask myself, how do I feel about that right now. It is only this moment that exists. Why fret over the possible “what ifs” in life? I was a Type A planner. And worrier. I covered all the bases. Or I thought I did…

And where did that lead me?

No amount of planning can prevent life from unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. Loved ones will die. Car accidents will happen. Illness will strike. Personal catastrophes that are far worse than mere infidelity will occur – catastrophes that have no positive outcome in the end and yet, you still have to reconcile it all and try, valiantly, to move forward. (**Okay, I am not downplaying infidelity. However, so much good has come into my life from his choice to end our marriage through those means. With some catastrophes, no matter how hard you try, you cannot find the silver lining an no good will ever come from it.**)

There are some things that will still turn your world upside down, if only for a moment, regardless of how much effort you put in to make sure you’re following a certain path that has been deemed “safe” inside your head for your multitude of reasons.

So, I encourage you to live free and with authenticity (whatever that means for you. For me, it was to finally ignore the lies I’d been living with for decades).

Make sure your mind, body, and soul align to your truth.

Only listen to the voice in your head if it’s feeding you positivity. Otherwise, remind yourself that it’s all just lies and should be re-framed and shut down.

Six months later, I feel lighter than I have in a long time. The burden of the lies has been lifted. When my ex does beat me up, verbally speaking, he’s attacking triggers that used to exist. His words no longer have power over me. Where he was once able to destroy me with just a few sentences, I now simply shrug them off (okay, I might still throw in some cheap shots back, I haven’t quite mastered this whole “living with class and grace” thing). But the point is, his words do not defeat me anymore.

I am now living a life that is extremely satisfying. I am content. I feel empowered and strong. I very rarely overthink and over-analyze. And I have no fear.

Things just are.

I form my next decision based on how I feel right now, in this moment. I can’t put enough emphasis on that. Right now, this moment, is the only true reality. To me, that is the only thing that matters. If it is bringing me happiness right now, I will continue to pursue it. As soon as it evokes a negative emotion, then I change my course of action. I no longer worry about “what if” and “should’ve” and “could’ve.” Things just are. Life just is. I breathe in. I breathe out.

This is what is working for me.

I do dance. Thank you for seeing that in me, Casey. And even more than that, thank you for pointing it out to me.

And, finally, I live and love without bounds or fear of what may come or what may be. Because none of that matters. It simply doesn’t even exist, so how could it matter?

Six months later and I am finally free of the lies. I never would’ve thought, in the moments after receiving that email, that this is where the chain of events would lead me.

Who would have ever thought that I’d be so grateful that my ex cheated on me?

184. This might be my new lucky number.

Because life is so good today.

Please excuse me…I feel the need to go dance. I do that now. *smile*

life

Synchronicity

June 26, 2019June 26, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

I first heard this word from my “little” cousin, who normally lives in Colombia, but lived with me for about 5 months in early 2018. I hadn’t really understood what it was and she did a wonderful job explaining it to me. Now, I will attempt to explain it to you, in case you are in the same boat I was when I first heard it.

Synchronicity, as defined by Meriam-Webster online, is ” the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (such as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung.”

Okay, that’s a lot of words. Later on, in an example, the online dictionary calls synchronicity “meaningful coincidences.” I interpret synchronicity as nothing happens by chance. Every single person we interact with, especially if it is notable in any way, serves a purpose. We can dismiss it, or we can acknowledge it.

Lately, I have been acknowledging all these little gifts from the universe. Because these meaningful coincidences are just that: meaningful. And they ought to be paid attention to.

Let’s start with the biggest, most obvious meaningful coincidence. There is a reason why I joined my gym in late November – that community has come to my aid, and rescue, a million times since I found out about my ex’s infidelity.

I was thinking back to when my first major trauma occurred, a little over 2 decades ago. I became super unhealthy and I referred to the decade that followed as a time where I was a shadow of myself. I existed, but was not mentally well. I was weak, dependent, and felt so insignificant.

This time, I have had a huge group of strong women, and men, rallying, lifting me up, and reminding me EVERY DAY how strong and capable I am. They have constantly encouraged me and stressed upon me that I will survive this because not only am I a fighter, I am tenacious, as well.

I have needed those words of encouragement. Over and over again. Because over the last 3.5 months, some of the things I had been telling myself were not healthy.

The random people I’ve met – that I’ve taken the time to chat with when I ordinarily would’ve been much too shy or intimidated to reach out to – have also added so much value to my world. I’ve heard great tales about adventures and adversity and overcoming pain. Because of this blog, so many people have reached out to me and shared their stories. Each conversation I’ve had has touched my heart in a meaningful way.

Just in the last few weeks alone, I’ve met several people that have brought a certain significance to my life. There’s the random chance meeting of my friend’s former youth pastor, when my friend and I were grabbing a drink to catch up. And then seeing him the next day at a different restaurant, where we had the opportunity to chat and realized that we’re walking similar paths. And then this same wonderful human, with a full and generous heart, has come to help me in many ways, too numerous to mention here, but I am grateful for the connection.

Then there are the sweet and generous strangers on my flight to Detroit that, together, made up the perfect team, giving me the tools necessary to charge my phone so I could contact my best friend, who happened to be my ride. During the flight, I was able to engage in some conversation with one of them, who happened to see me furiously typing on my phone and was curious enough to ask what in the world was I writing. He then shared his stories of adversity and reminded me that, while our stressors stem from different places, they are still so alike. We are also walking down such similar paths.

And there’s my deal with the new car that I wanted so desperately that I was willing to try shoving a square peg in a round hole. (I’m a bit stubborn and sometimes it takes me a moment to realize what I’m doing…I know better than to force things! *sigh*) Anyway, I was jumping through all the hoops until the inevitable happened – the deal ended up falling through, making me super sad that I lost my car. And then, just 2 weeks later, I stumbled upon a used version of the exact same car (except with automatic transmission *double sigh*) and had to jump through zero hoops to get her! She’s still just as beautiful but ended up costing me significantly less!

I can’t forget to mention the podcaster that a close friend introduced to my blog, who is quickly becoming a dear friend and supporter of mine (check him out: TBI Ep: 1 I Was In Dark Place Scout Team Radio) and who happens to also be walking a path parallel to mine. (Seriously, there are so many of us out there who can relate to what the other is going through. It’s actually quite sad, when you think about the amount of pain we’re all walking around with.)

Then there are the wonderful chance meetings with people that just make me laugh. They put genuine smiles on my face – the ones that reach all the way inward and touch my soul.

Every single “random” encounter has been meaningful to me. These coincidences, each and every one of them, bring meaning and joy to my life. Perhaps they aren’t so random, after all?

The way my marriage ended, the fact that it was one of his Ashley Madison lovelies that broke the news instead of him, the fact that he would’ve kept doing it had he never been caught, the multi-layered and multi-faceted significance of his betrayal, it all serves a purpose.

Every single moment that has passed, every decision that has been made, every person I have met, it’s all significant. And I wouldn’t change a second of it all. It’s brought me here. And here is pretty darn happy.

Had my ex been the one to finally feel guilt and break down in shame and sorrow to tell me about his double life, perhaps we’d still be married. And then the path I’ve traveled for the last 3 months would’ve laid quiet, neat, and unexplored rather than the muddled, trampled down, and worn path it now is.

And that makes me a bit sad because I’ve come to welcome my beaten down path. I enjoy its existence. It is while traveling down this path that I’ve met so many interesting and wonderful people, people I never would’ve known had I not received an email at 6:08 pm on March 17 from an Ashley Madison lovely.

I know that great things lie just a bit further down this path of mine. I have many more unfulfilled dreams that I truly believe could become true now. Because I am a much different person than who I once was. And this girl is unafraid. Not only that, this girl is bold and choosing to now live life out loud.

I’m actually quite excited to continue venturing down this path, taking giant leaps of faith along the way, and also stopping to take time to pick the berries (life has to be a balance, right?). All the while, making a complete mess of it all as I continue to redefine who I am and chase even bigger dreams.

Guys, at a basic level, my trauma is no different than your trauma. And if we allow it, we can bond at a deeper level because of it. The problem, however, is when judgment interferes. How we choose to respond to our trauma is very individual, as it should be, so the response looks quite different from person to person. If I were to judge how you handle your shituation, a wedge would come between us.

So let’s not allow that to happen. There is no place in our lives, in how we handle and survive through our shituations, for judgment. Everybody responds to adversity differently and there is no right or wrong way to process life. We are all just riding the wave.

And since we can lose sight quickly, during the most dynamic of shifts, when the waves are cresting hundreds of feet above our heads, we have to actively look for meaningful coincidences. There’s nothing more that we can do but to allow the wave to carry us through it. But, if while we are forced to be at the wave’s mercy, we don’t look for meaning, then really, what are we doing? Escaping? Yeah, I did that. It just deepens the void and emptiness within. So, we should look for synchronicities. And embrace them tightly when we see them. Because all anyone wants is to see that the people and events surrounding them serve a purpose and leads to a meaningful life.

And there must be meaning in everything – or else there’s meaning in nothing. (Which would you rather have?)

So everything has its purpose, from a betrayal so great that it completely changes one’s path to the chance encounter with a stranger that, with almost no effort, quickly becomes a great and wonderful friendship.

Keep your eyes open, and your heart vulnerable and free, so that you, too, can start seeing all the meaningful coincidences in your life. And, please, do tell me all about them.

Sending so much love, and synchronicities, into the universe and out to all of you.