infidelity – Page 4 – A Graceful Catastrophe

In Spite of the Ache, I’ll Rise Up

May 31, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

This whole grief cycle is stupid. I’m so super completely over it. I’m finding that the ramifications of my ex cheating on me for almost a year has caused so many more layers of hurt than I initially even realized and they are all sandwiched in anger and disbelief and frustration and so, so much sadness.

What’s interesting is that the sadness, right now, isn’t coming from the marriage ending. I’m too logical to pretend that it didn’t completely suck for a long time.

What I am really struggling with is that I know my world view has been completely altered. I honestly, today, right now in this moment, believe that romantic love is an illusion. I believe that familial love is a thing and I think you can feel it with your friends. A deeper sort of affection and connection with family and those that feel like family. I think that’s ingrained in us at the cellular level.

Romantic love, though, has got to be a joke. In the last few days, I’ve heard about two more women whose husbands cheated on them with multiple women, one dear husband was also a fellow Ashley Madison user.

Everyone has a story. Woman after woman and man after man have come to me with stories of relationships ending due to infidelity.

Romantic love is like that faint smell of beautifully blossoming flowers that you catch for just a moment in the summer breeze – and then it disappears and you wonder if you’d imagined it. It’s there, so distinct, so strong…and so fleeting.

I don’t ever want to love like that again. And I don’t want to be loved like that again. It isn’t real. And if it is, it is fleeting. It is there one moment, so intense and beautiful, and then whisked away in the next. Only incredible destruction is left in its wake.

Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to that level of vulnerability?

That honestly just feels like such nonsense to me.

I know I’m still processing through this pain and I am fully aware that my thoughts vary depending on my emotions, depending on how I’m painting the world in that given moment.

In this moment, based on my own life experiences at age 38…and those of my parents, friends, and strangers…romantic love is a sham. It’s been proven to me over and over and over again. It’s a sad, horrible joke. It’s short-lived…momentary.

And once it’s gone, terrible things can happen. Lives are forever altered. Perceptions of the world that is being lived in have to be re-created. The world is no longer the same.

My world is no longer the same.

I am no longer the same.

I can’t decide yet if that’s good or bad or if it just is. I’m leaning towards it just is. It is my reality.

I don’t think I’ll ever again look at anything the same as I once did. Everything is different. Well, the way I view it is different. I suppose it’s the same world. I am just wearing different lenses now.

Surprisingly, I do have hope that this new world I live in will be beautiful for me. It does make me sad that I am no longer the romantic soul I’ve always been. It makes me sad that I genuinely have zero desire to be loved in a romantic way ever again. I’m mourning the fact that I no longer believe in the fairy tales and romance stories that have always grabbed at my heart. It’s all just fiction.

But what is real are people and moments and delightful moments with those wonderful people. It doesn’t need to be any deeper than that and to think that it does is a societal joke. I no longer care about the future, I put absolutely zero stock in it. It doesn’t exist and it never will. What exists is now. And I laugh plenty now. So many of you make me feel so special now. I am deeply loved by you. And I know it. Because I feel it.

I have a playlist on Spotify that started when two of my close girlfriends decided I needed music to go with this chapter of my life. I have since added to it and I’m really liking how it is taking shape. Music is so powerful and these songs are doing a phenomenal job at summarizing my current state – and helping me make sense of it all.

These are lyrics from one of the songs my girlfriend recommended. The song is called Rise Up and it’s sung by Andra Day. I actually frequently cry when I hear it because it hits me right to my core.

You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousands times again

The next line is “For you.” But I’ll rise up a thousand times again – for me. For my daughter. I’ll rise up every time I fall. Every time I feel broken. Every time I feel hopeless.

I’ll rise up. I’ll walk it out. A thousand times again. Though, the “unafraid” bit is a struggle. I think that is there for the long haul. I’m far too afraid to be hurt and betrayed like this again. I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable. This castle is secure.

Which makes me think of another song on my playlist: Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life
Because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

I know this song was written for a completely different situation, yet it fits – for the most part. Because of my ex’s actions, I’m now extremely guarded. And I just want to forget everything. But I’m absolutely not ashamed of my life. It isn’t empty. And the way I now am choosing to live it isn’t wrong. Though there is a void where romantic love used to exist and that void will remain. I no longer know how to let in anyone in that capacity. And even if I could remember, I’m much too afraid.

Despite that, most days, I am happy. Genuinely. I am fulfilled. My community lifts me up – you all help me walk it out. You, all of you in your variety of roles you play in my life, you fill my life with joyous moments. You make me feel loved and special and like I can make it through another day. You fill my life with meaning.

This journey feels as though it will be a never-ending roller coaster ride. A constant struggle. But I am not one who stays down when she has fallen – I am far too stubborn for that. And so, “I’ll rise up. In spite of the ache. I’ll rise up. And I’ll do it a thousand times again.”

love

Fairy Tales are Simply Nonsense

May 27, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

I used to be such a romantic. I’d cry at love songs and sappy romcoms. I used to love it when a boy made me a mixed tape, listing all the songs that made him think of me.

I used to believe in fairy tales. And I honestly thought they could happen in real life.

Now, some days I feel like a zombie, operating in full-on survival mode, functioning with a smile on my face that is only surface deep. Faking it ’till I make it, not daring to show those around me the insurmountable pain I feel, for fear of it consuming me if I acknowledge it exists.

Other days, I legitimately feel like a freaking rock star. Like I have everything under control. And on those days, in those moments, my smile stretches widely across my face and travels deep into my soul.

I’m living in two worlds, with a foot planted firmly in each.

I’ve thought a lot about why I have my zombie days. I mean, it’s not like my marriage was great before he cheated. It sucked. And it had sucked for years. I had told those closest to me that it felt like I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It was never going to happen; it wasn’t ever supposed to fit.

So, why am I so affected by this? I’m free from a lousy marriage! The things that annoyed me about my ex are no longer anything I have to put up with anymore! I can stay in Colorado, for Pete’s sake!! (For those that do not know, the plan was for us to retire in FL. I do not like FL and was absolutely not looking forward to having to move from my Utopian CO to live there. Bleh.)

I think the thing that really gets to me is how it all went down. I don’t quit. Especially something like a family. I would never abandon my family like he did. When I was chatting with a good friend about the possibility of divorce, my friend asked me if I’d done everything in my power to save the marriage. Could I walk away with a clear conscience that every avenue was pursued, a good fight was fought, but just lost.

And I couldn’t. I couldn’t say that I’d put forth any effort into saving the marriage, to be quite honest. So, in that moment, I decided to try. Like, really try. I wrote a 3 page letter, front and back, and cried as I read it to him. I owned all my faults. I made myself so vulnerable. I thought, if I laid it all out on the table, if I admitted to all the moments I was an awful wife, we could grow together from there.

I read him the letter this last fall. He’d been cheating on my since the previous spring. I was too late – he was already gone.

I made myself so embarrassingly vulnerable to him, and I genuinely thought he had heard me. How preciously naive I was. And then 6 months later I found out he’d been cheating on me for a ridiculously long time. What a fool! I was lied to for almost a year and I ignored my gut when I had a feeling something was off. The levels of betrayal run so deep.

I was humiliated.

That’s where my anger is coming from, I think. That’s why I hurt straight down to my core.

I put everything out there. Left my heart unprotected, let my guard completely down. So that I could try to save my family and if I failed, I could at least say I did everything I could to keep us together.

But he can’t say that. Rather than expose his soul to me so we could grow together, he withdrew emotionally and fell into the arms of woman after woman. For months and months. Then came home and complained about what an awful wife I was.

Oh, I can feel the rage building right now.

And this makes me so mad because if I can be played for a fool so easily by the one person that I thought I knew so well, how on earth could I ever trust anyone to not do the exact same thing?

I’m jaded. And I hate it. I don’t want to feel this way. I mean, I don’t think I even believe in monogamy anymore! Everyone I know has a story. EVERYONE. I’ll never allow someone to make me feel this way again. Which means, I have to remain guarded. I can’t be vulnerable. It’s inevitable that I’ll just get hurt.

So why bother?

I know, I know. Two months. It’s been 70 days. I get it. I know what you’re going to say. The road to healing has only just begun to be traveled. I get I’m still in the early stages. And it’s impossible to really make any progress with him still living in the basement, still here to lose his ever loving mind around me whenever I do or say something that upsets him.

He’s not the easiest person to deal with. And now that I am so emotionally closed off, neither am I. Vulnerability, especially around him, is obviously not safe. I have to guard my emotions, guard my heart. I’ve already been a fool for the last year. I won’t allow that anymore.

But that means I come across as cold. Unfeeling. Uncaring.

Well, duh. *face palm*

I have to protect myself now from the person he’s shown himself to be. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

There won’t be a second time.

So when I want to escape, when I want to run away, I think it’s coming from a place of shame more than hurt. Shame that I didn’t know. Shame that I opened up, accepted blame, and put my heart tenderly in his hands – only for him to spit on it before throwing it away, tossing it haphazardly over his shoulder.

The hard truth? Our marriage, in my opinion, was inevitably going to end. He’d asked for a divorce about 9 or 10 months before he cheated. I told him no, I wasn’t going to quit the family. I didn’t believe in just giving up. I didn’t believe in abandoning the family (because that’s what I equated it to) just because we didn’t want to get our hands dirty and try to make the marriage better. I told him that we needed to work on our marriage, that I believed we could have a happy life together. So I denied him the divorce.

And then neither one of us chose to work. Neither of us tried. We both waited for the other one to change. It took me well over a year to finally get to a place where I was all in. But it took him 9 or so months to decide to throw us away and sign up for Ashley Madison.

I was too late.

I loved him. He can be such an amazing human. I married him for a reason.

And now I don’t know him. I don’t trust him. I have no clue where his morals lie.

So on the hardest of days, I completely shut down. I go out with my girls, probably drink a little too much, and try so hard to erase the shame of being such a fool, for being so hopeful and vulnerable, for being so extremely naive.

Because I had no clue, when I exposed my heart to him, that he was looking at me with eyes that had looked deep into another woman’s. That when he hugged me, he was hugging me with the same arms that had been wrapped around another woman’s body. Many other women’s bodies. And this had been going on for months and months.

How could I have missed it???

I’ll never miss it again.

Because vulnerability is too risky.

There is no fairy tale. No Cinderella story. Perhaps there’s no such thing even as true love.

I’m sure the days of operating like a zombie will pass. I’ll find a new normal and thrive there. I’ll have fun and make connections with others, but it’ll be a long time, perhaps never, before I place my heart in someone else’s hands.

I just don’t trust that they wouldn’t eventually spit on it, too.

I’ll never allow myself to walk into another relationship with eyes naively closed, blinded by love. Another person will never throw me away again.

My days of being a blindly trusting, naive little fool are over.

Walls up. Guards up. My castle is well protected. And will remain that way indefinitely.

Because those precious fairy tales I grew up watching? The ones my daughter watches and then, at the happily ever after, smiles through her tears and gives a little sigh?

They don’t exist.

It’s not better to have loved and lost. It’s better to not love at all so you can never be betrayed or hurt.

Because fairy tales, quite simply, are all just a bunch of nonsense.

life

Everyone Needs a Lighthouse

May 24, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

According to the National Park Service’s website, a lighthouse “is a tower with a bright light at the top” and its purpose is to “serve as a navigational aid and to warn boats of dangerous areas.”

I am in a boat. And I’m out sailing the turbulent waters of this catastrophe, in areas of the vast sea that appear ever so scary and dangerous.

You all, well, most of you, are my lighthouses. You shine your bright light straight into my soul, illuminating my path, cautioning me away from the dangerous areas. You remind me that my actions impact my daughter…because I’m not sailing alone. You remind me that I am strong. You remind me that not only should I live my life with grace and class, I am also fully capable of it.

You remind me that my feelings are valid. That anger is an appropriate response at this juncture. I’ve only been navigating this storm for 2 months. You remind me that it will get better. You remind me that I am not alone. You share your stories with me, giving me perspective from the other side.

You envelop me with love. So. Much. Love! You make it so that I can hold my head high and choose to live with compassion. Because you remind me of how loved I am. And when you’re loved unconditionally, you are capable of anything.

You. My lighthouses. You have helped to navigate me away from such nasty waters, ones that I almost sank in.

Tonight, I’ve found a patch of calm sea. I’m drifting in a bit of peace. Because you’ve given me the strength to steer my boat out of danger.

I appreciate you for lifting me up, for shining your beautiful light in my direction, for helping guide me back to who I am at my core.

Tonight, after being home for all of about 5 minutes, my ex and I had yet another heated exchange. I told him, again, that I hated him. And then I went to my room and read and re-read your messages to me. Love flooded through me. And soon enough, so did my internal strength. I want to give grace. I want to be understanding. He’s the father of my child. A man I have a lot of history with and someone I wouldn’t have ever married had he not been a good person. He may not deserve grace right now, but I want to give it to him. After spending some time breathing and reading your messages that were all filled with beautiful love, I went downstairs and asked my ex if we could talk.

And we did.

It started a bit rough, but I was filled with your light and your love, so I was able to remain calm. Eventually, his anger dissipated. You know, I am not someone who enjoys being filled with hate. I am a peaceful, compassionate, and loving person. It just takes so much awful energy to feel such an intense negative feeling. It is toxic and I don’t enjoy who I am when I’m filled with it.

So tonight, I was able to let it go. Again.

I’m angry. Hurt. Sad. Emotional. I mean, I’m pretty much a general mess. But I’m not filled with that rage and hate anymore. It is no longer all consuming. I was able to let it go – and without punching something this time. And I feel so much lighter again.

These blogs are personal. They’re raw. And they’re written in real-time. So because of that, I am able to receive your unconditional support and love in real time. I receive your beautiful light and it shines so strongly into my soul that it is overwhelming and brings me to tears, in a most amazing way. Thanks to you, I was able to process through this negative space of the last several days without resorting to behavior that I could potentially regret (like a broken hand).

And my ex and I are in a decent place once again. He apologized. I apologized. We want to be better to one another. To do better. I know he genuinely wants to improve how he responds to the stressors in his life. When it comes to stress and choosing how to respond – with fight or flight – he has pretty much always chosen to fight. He gets backed into a corner and he lashes out. It isn’t right – and he knows that. And just like Maya Angelou says, when you know better, you do better.

I know better, too. I know that the best way to approach life is with grace, compassion, and understanding. You catch a whole lot more flies with honey than you do with vinegar…isn’t that the saying?

At times I’m so hurt that I feel broken. But you put me right back together. You lift me up, taking turns when it all just gets too heavy for any one of you. But there has always been someone else to take your place, jump in, and show me love.

So, thank you for that message. I am paying it forward and showing my ex that same message. And hopefully he can learn how to pay it forward and show grace and compassion when life gets just a little too uncomfortable, rather than go on the attack.

We live what we know. I am fortunate enough to know unconditional love from so many different people. Now that I’m filled with it, I want to live that love you all have shown me, time and time again.

I am not broken. Maybe I’m cracked. And I’m definitely not shattered. My boat is intact for the most part, though perhaps taking on just a little water. I have the resources necessary to make sure my boat doesn’t sink. I won’t drown. And I’m beyond grateful for those resources.

I am choosing to live with grace again. I am choosing to use my resources to help me grow and have a better tomorrow than I did today. My boat will be stronger every day…because of you all.

My ex may not deserve the grace but deep down, he is a good person. He’s just lost. We live what we know and I want him to know that there are better ways to respond to stressful, awful situations than to lash out and attack. He needs a lighthouse. Perhaps I will start building one for him, one beautiful brick at a time, built with compassion, grace, and understanding.

Everyone needs a lighthouse.

life, Uncategorized

Screw It All

May 23, 2019May 23, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

Screw it. Screw it all.

It appears that I have a breaking point.

It’s today.

My ex husband shared with me today that a “longtime friend” has betrayed me, too.

This is just one betrayal too many.

It has been an awful week so far, with so many stones thrown at me. I thought I was strong enough to hear his malicious words, spitefully attacking me…but I am not. Rather than let them bounce right off of me, I absorbed them. All of them.

Guys, I’m done.

I want him to hurt. I want to intentionally cause him so much emotional pain that it physically hurts him. He’s been accusing me of purposefully hurting him all the while anyway, so why not just lash out and do exactly what he thinks of me anyway?

The rage and hurt and frustration and anger have all reached a violent boiling point. It has consumed me. It is literally all I feel right now.

He has accused me of not giving him grace.

He believes, with every ounce of his being, the world he has painted. So I may as well jump in the painting and show him that reality.

I. Am. So. Done.

Living life with grace is for the birds.

My daughter can learn a different lesson.

One where a strong woman can fight back against the emotional abuse of a disgusting and broken individual. One where I don’t have to tolerate being spoken to with such venom spewing out of his mouth.

Amongst other vicious attacks, he claims I am weak because I don’t make enough money to support myself and my daughter or be able to stay in this home without his money (which I cannot, but it surely doesn’t make me weak!). He laughs that I have to turn to my dad for help.

I HATE that I have to ask my dad for financial support.

I HATE that this is the world I now live in.

I HATE that I can’t trust.

I HATE him.

He has thrown all the stones he can think of in the last two days to intentionally hurt me. And he won. He did it.

So now I’m done. I’m angry. And hurt. And sick to my stomach. And I can’t sleep. And, really, I’m just done.

He wins. He’s gotten inside my head.

He’s beaten me down.

I quit.

I have no desire to live life with grace or class or anything that gives him an ounce of kindness right now.

I mean, I’m nice enough to him in front of my daughter…but I am done when she’s not around. He doesn’t deserve it and I’m too exhausted to muster the energy to give it.

I’m not strong.

I can’t do this anymore.

Today, I am defeated.

It took just a bit over 2 months. Two months of trying to be strong. Of trying to be the bigger person. Two months of fighting for my sanity every single day. Two months of being on the worst emotional roller coaster I’ve ever been on.

Two months. And I’m exhausted. I just can’t do it anymore.

I hope it’ll get better from here someday, but for now, I’m sure it’s going to get ugly.

Because I don’t care anymore.

Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. I care so much that I am so emotionally defeated that I can’t care anymore.

And definitely don’t care about him.

There is just too much to process. Too much pain. Too much stress.

It makes me physically ill. Drained.

He thinks he hasn’t been receiving grace thus far. I wonder what he’ll think of my new attitude towards him…? He has no clue, apparently, just how graceful I have been.

For the last 2 months, he’s been on the attack, throwing stones left and right. Calling me names. Some days were better than others. Some days we were able to finish out the 24 hours without a single stone being thrown. A lot of days have been an absolute living hell.

Oh, man, the stones that he has thrown in the last 2 days alone…

And, tonight, I finally threw some back.

And will continue to throw them.

Because I just don’t care.

It’s like he forgets what he’s done, the tailspin he’s thrown my life into, his daughter’s life… He takes no responsibility for it. Shows zero accountability. According to him, his actions don’t matter because I deserved it all. His actions are all justified because I was an awful wife. (And I was…because I retaliated for being treated awfully. We were stuck in a horribly sad, negative cycle.) But they aren’t justified and weren’t deserved.

“Romantic love” is stupid. Romantic love won’t exist in my world…not for a long time. Possibly not ever.

It’s just not worth it. It’s not worth this. When Alfred Lord Tennyson said it’s better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all was obviously not betrayed by people he thought loved them.

First, my husband. Now, at least one friend. I just can’t take it. It’s all slightly too much for me.

So, yeah, that’s been a thing. He talks with my “friends,” apparently. And my “friends” are talking about me behind my back. Awesome. I needed more betrayal in my life. More proof that nobody is to be trusted.

Fine.

Talk.

But could you at least be adult enough to tell me to my face what you think of me?

Because I don’t want to have to waste my time on you, too.

We’re all so old now. Grow up.

So, if you’re a long time friend, I guess you have to prove that you’re really my friend. And not talking smack about me behind my back. It’s going to be a long road.

Because now I trust no one.

I’m done.

I don’t have energy for nonsense.

And my life is filled with things that just don’t make sense right now.

God, I just want it all to make sense.

I want him to hurt as badly as he’s making me hurt.

So grace is gone. For now. Probably for a while.

So I can hit him where it hurts.

Intentionally.

Purposefully.

Like he did to me.

Over. And over. And over.

I’m so done.

Today, I don’t care.

About anything (except for, obviously, my daughter).

Because I hate him.

And it’s consumed me.

At least for today.

And for tomorrow, I’ll never forget. I am a changed woman. And he especially isn’t going to like the new me.

So screw living life with grace.

In the long run, it just doesn’t even matter.

We’re born. We die. Nothing in between really matters.

So, I’ll join him in his crappy little painting for now. Show him what this reality of his that he’s painted really looks like.

Because it is ugly.

And I have no more energy to try to paint rainbows and butterflies.

life

Dear Ashley Madison Lovelies

May 22, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

I spent a good portion of today angry and frustrated. It isn’t all that often that I allow those negative feelings to consume an entire day of mine, but today it was, apparently, unavoidable.

I have a way with words. I typically am very capable of putting my thoughts and feelings into sentences that are able to be clearly read and understood by others.

The feelings I have from being betrayed by one of the very few people that I blindly trusted – by my husband – are just nothing that I can put into any form of coherent thought.

It’s more of a physical feeling, deep within my gut. When I allow it to consume me, I feel physically ill. Most of today, I felt absolutely sick. But, like, disgusted. Like I was forced to eat old, molded, putrid, rotted fish. Over and over. Bite after bite.

That’s as close as I can get to explaining what it feels like when I try to understand what my ex did to me and our family. It’s also the feeling I get when I look at him and fully understand that he has absolutely no clue the extent at which his actions have affected me.

And will always affect me.

I know he doesn’t understand because of his actions and words all day today.

Which constantly made me feel even worse. To know that he doesn’t understand, and to realize I am incapable of explaining it in a way that he can, drove me absolutely bonkers today.

I desperately want him to understand how I feel. I want him to truly visit the depths of the sea of anguish I now swim (and sometimes sink) in. But how could he ever when I don’t even quite comprehend how I feel?

I know I am so incredibly angry. I am disgusted. I am filled with rage and even hate. Lately, the ability to live with grace has been shadowed by so much negativity. The more he pushes back, the cockier he behaves, the more he tries to defend and justify what he did, the less I am capable of acting with any semblance of class or grace.

And he’s been home for so long now! When he was cheating on me for the last year, he was home for about 1 week each month (except during the 2 months after his accident, when he was home and I was taking care of him, the house, and our daughter, all while trying to work my new business… Ugh, I wish I knew then what I know now!) . Now that he’s not cheating, he’s barely been on the road! Coincidence? I think not.

It’s so hard to see his face, day in and day out. It’s even harder to hear him play the role of victim, which he has been doing more and more frequently. It consumes me with such fury that I know I need to head to a rage room soon because I definitely do not need to be punching another column in my kitchen…

Every time I think about what occurred during the last year of my life, I try to assign words to the thoughts and feelings swirling about. I fail every single time. But perhaps it’s impossible because words are rational and these thoughts and feelings are anything but.

My life was a joke – and I had absolutely no clue. Well, that’s not exactly true. I had a gut feeling, even talked to my best friend about it, but dismissed it quickly because I thought, no, not him. He’d never lie or cheat.

God, I was a fool! Listen to your gut, ladies and gentlemen. It doesn’t lie to us.

You now the other thing that made me so mad today? Apparently, he has shared this blog with some of the women he chats with on Ashley Madison. They read it and then text him, reinforcing his thoughts that he is a victim, that how awful I am to paint such a picture of him. I mean, they are women with letters after their names! They know! They told him, apparently, that I have portrayed him as a villain. And since they have titles, they absolutely know what they’re talking about.

Well, it’s a good thing you Ashley Madison women know my (ex) husband so well! How dare I show him in such a terrible light?! Of course I’m just a woman scorned, out to say horrible untruths about the man that did nothing wrong over the course of our marriage. He was the victim! If he did behave in any sort of unsavory way, it was simply because he was provoked! His behavior was always justified because I acted in such a way that deserved to be treated and talked to in such a manner. He was, of course, justified in his actions over the last year, too, because I didn’t show him love… Of course all of these blogs are written because I’m just hurt and want to attack him.

Barf.

I do not write this to throw him under the bus, as his precious friends would like to reinforce. I write this to not feel so alone. To process. To feel support from my community during a time when my heart – my life – is absolutely shattered. To try, desperately, to put words to the ugliness I feel within, down to my core. To rationalize this catastrophe. And I write to hear how maybe you assigned some sort of sense to it when you went through it.

I write to know that I will come out ahead and even stronger than before. To know that I will never allow something like this to ever happen to me again.

I write so that I can look back on these blogs and remind myself to never again be such a naive fool. To always listen to my gut.

Because, guys! I don’t remember things. Ever. I have the worst memory! And God forbid I ever forget how this feels.

So I write. I document. I process. I lean on you all (well, maybe not all. I’m definitely not leaning on you lovely Ashley Madison ladies).

So, let me speak directly to you, you Ashley Madison lovelies: understand that you have absolutely no clue who this man really is – you only know who he wants you to see.

And understand that I do not write to villainize (yes, that really is a word) my ex. It’s not always about him. I write, first and foremost, for me.

Because I will not forget this pain. Ever. I refuse. I will have these blogs to look back on as a constant reminder to never be fooled again.

I write to remember.

life

A Graceful Spiral

May 21, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

When it comes down to it, we all choose the life that we want…even if it isn’t the life we say we want.”
Imposters S1: E3, Netflix

Without some semblance of *perceived* control, one tends to spiral. There has been a lot of spiraling in my home lately.

Today, after chatting with a close friend, I realized all of the emotions and actions from the past week, for sure, and probably much longer, have come from a place of control – either a loss of it (my ex) or the freedom of finally having some again (me).

From my perspective, based on an 11 year history, my ex has a controlling personality. Hindsight is amazing and as I sit and think about our relationship over time, I see things with such clarity now. He uses manipulation and intimidation to gain control. He always has, I just never saw it. When he feels like he has lost control, the intimidation and manipulation reaches an all-time and, at times, scary high. This happened a couple of times this last week, and while it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, it was exactly what I needed in order to continue moving forward with the tedious task of legal separation. (Why, oh why must there be so many hoops to jump through?!)

But since I must, I will jump. Set boundaries need to exist.

My ex’s “boundaries” are so fluid that they’re practically non-existent. I thrive on having boundaries and I think people, in general, would tend to agree. Boundaries create a sense of safety and predictability. Without boundaries, it is much easier to lose control and, therefore, some bits of sanity are also lost.

And they also need to exist because he would like for us to get back together – and that is just not something I’m willing to do. Today my ex told me that couples have come back from “worse situations than ours.”

Really.

REALLY?! And what situation exactly is he having to come back from? Oh, oops! I messed up – I should say sorry to her. She has to forgive me. We have a daughter. We should keep our family unit together… Yep, he regrets his behavior. Feels awful. Apologize, show remorse, say you’re still in love. That’s all it should take for us to get back together. He thinks I’m the one throwing away the family because I will not give him a second chance. He would love for me to walk with him on his journey to becoming a better man and father. Because, he says, he has nobody to support him and doesn’t want to do this by himself. More guilt. More manipulation.

So I remind myself (constantly) that he chose this life. Actively. Intentionally. Willingly.

And let’s take a moment and look at what situation I am trying to overcome, shall we? I can count the people I blindly trust on less than one hand. He was one of them. He lied straight to my face, day in and day out, for almost a year. AND would’ve kept right on lying to me and doing his thing had he not been exposed by a woman (that he was seeing) and had disrespected one time too many. Not only did he lie, but, through his words and actions, he made me feel like an awful wife and an awful person practically every day. I was constantly reminded that I wasn’t enough. During the 8 weeks where I took care of him after he selfishly and stupidly made a move that ended in him crashing his dirt bike at a race, he was quite awful to me – awful enough that when his brother came to visit, he was so appalled he actually went home and told their mother about his behavior towards me.

I was emotionally beat down by him for a long time but for him to treat me that way WHILE he was cheating on me is just a whole other level of hurt. And then there’s the betrayal. And the selfishness. All the times he must’ve worked out of town for an extra day, or took a later flight, causing me just a bit more stress as I tried to manage life here as a single mom, just so that he could squeeze in a date before coming home… The multi-layered levels of heartbreak that his actions put me through, along with his behavior over the last 2 months, is enough to make me walk away feeling like it’s the best decision for all involved. There are some things that are just too great to overcome. “I’m sorry” will never be enough, especially when he makes comments that try to diminish the severity of his actions over the last year. (*eye roll* “Other couples have overcome worse than this.” What the ever loving hell kind of a comment is that?! He just has no clue the extent of his impact.)

While I fully recognize that this posting is definitely falling short, I am trying to be a compassionate person. I am trying to give him grace. I am trying so hard to understand his actions towards me. Perhaps he has issues that are so deeply rooted that he doesn’t even understand who he is and what he is doing. I can’t imagine that he does any of this intentionally. Or that he would purposefully manipulate and intimidate me. Or that he consciously plays the role of the victim in this situation. I think, perhaps, that’s all he knows, so in times of chaos, when he’s lost control, he resorts to the only behaviors he’s familiar with. Because I would’ve never married him if he wasn’t a good person. Somewhere in there, he is a good person. But I am no fool. Not anymore, at least. I know his problems aren’t mine to fix and they aren’t mine to accept any longer. I am now, finally, thinking clearly.

Well, for the most part. Some days are harder than others, though. Some days, I can’t help but get tangled up in the trap that his words weave. I allow myself to respond in anger or fear or sadness – emotions brought on by his attempts at manipulating me.

But those aren’t my true emotions. They’re simply knee-jerk responses to his words and actions. When I stop, take a step back, and really process, I no longer feel those emotions – at least not as intensely as I did at first.

Whether he does so intentionally or because it’s, sadly, all he knows, I will not let him control, manipulate, or intimidate me anymore. The reasons he behaves this way are not important. What is important, however, is that I am now in a place where his words no longer hold that kind of power over me.

So, I place my walls firmly up. I am trying to make clear boundaries, for the benefit of the both of us. For now, I will do what it takes to protect myself – to protect my heart. I will not allow myself to ever have the opportunity to experience such pain again.

Right now, I feel more empowered than I probably ever have. With proper boundaries in place, I have control back over my life. To finally feel like I’m no longer spiraling, that I have a sense of peace despite the stress of my current situation, is incredibly rewarding. The more my ex spirals, the more I focus in and process the immediate world around me. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, thinking about what exactly it is that I am doing and thinking about how I now view my world. I’ve had moments that I welcome, where I stop and really take it all in, analyze what I’m thinking and why exactly it is that I think it. I truly enjoy thinking deeply about what I’m thinking. It keeps me centered.

So, after lots of processing, I’ve come to a place where I am completely comfortable with my decisions – and my new interpretation of the world around me. My newfound understanding of the world that I want to live in.

My (ex) husband says he broke me. I’ve also said that myself. Now that I have done a fair amount of thinking about it, I don’t know that I’m so much broken, as I am completely transformed. I’m “unbecoming everything that isn’t me.” The way I think now is vastly different than it was just 65 days ago. Neither school of thought is wrong, either, it’s just different. And I’m quite comfortable with being different. I thrive on it. I seek it out. I want to buck the system and intentionally act out against convention. It’s more comfortable for me than trying to fit in society’s norms. “Normal” is nothing I’ve ever wanted to be.

Please read this carefully – it’s NOT wrong to go against mainstream society if that’s what brings you peace and happiness. It isn’t wrong to control your own moments in whatever way you see best for you.

I used to be a Type A planner, with a thousand set plans for tomorrow, next month, next year, 20 years from now…and, well, you get it. I had my map all planned out. And when random acts occurred, causing me to make a detour, it would seriously mess with my head.

Well, 2 months ago brought a serious detour. One that, really, led me straight off a cliff. The old me, the old way of thinking and obsessively planning, is gone. She’s just completely gone. And you know what? I have never felt more free. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived more authentically than I am right now.

I have more control over my life than I ever have before. I’ve really never thought more clearly about my decisions. I live for now. I make decisions based on how I feel now. There is no tomorrow. It simply doesn’t exist!

Guys! If I could ever convince you of anything, it is to live for this moment, right now, and nothing else. And to do so unapologetically. When you think about the future, you’re causing unnecessary stress in your life. You have absolutely zero control over what may come. But, you do have at least some control over right now. Getting lost in the past and romanticizing it or stressing about the future – it leaves you powerless! You can’t live in the happy memories of the past or change what awfulness happened yesterday. And surely, no matter how much you think you can plan for tomorrow, you just never know when a catastrophe will occur and derail everything.

So stop spiraling. Even if it’s a graceful spiral that you’re in. Live for today. Love this moment, right now. It’s the only genuine time in your life! And what a gift it is!

In order to fully embrace this moment, the one you’re in right now, you have to accept it. And that’s where it can get difficult. But what’s worse than accepting this moment is fighting against it. There is control in embracing what is and therefore, there is freedom in it.

This moment might suck. A lot. But by acknowledging it, embracing the suck, honoring the heck out of it, you remain in control – and free.

Find your freedom. Accept what is. And live the most authentic life you’ve ever lived.

Then tell me all about it. Because I always look forward to hearing your stories.

Uncategorized

I Feel Everything…So I Feel Nothing

May 16, 2019May 16, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

*This was written on May 15, but I fell asleep before publishing it, so it’s referencing Tuesday night’s chaos.*

I feel nothing. I want to say nothing. I want to think nothing. I want to embrace nothing.

After last night’s drama, where I felt emotions ranging from fear to sadness to anger to extreme calmness, it is nice to feel nothing today. I have had a pretty quiet afternoon and evening. I have been pretty overwhelmed today. It started pretty much as soon as I woke up and remembered his actions from last night. I hate remembering.

Today I went down to the courthouse and started the tedious and long process to file for legal separation. I officially am the owner of not one, but two failed marriages. What a gem that is. I am starting to feel like Ross, from Friends. I can completely understand why he stayed secretly married to Rachel, to avoid divorce #3. I just can’t see myself being in any kind of serious relationship ever again. In order to be in a successful serious relationship, you have to let your guard down, to blindly trust. To allow myself to become so vulnerable that I’d willingly put myself at risk of feeling this much pain that my mind literally shuts down in an act of self-preservation is not something I’ll ever actively seek out. At least, that’s how I feel today.

Sometimes something happens to us that hurts so badly that the only response is to shut down. To feel nothing so that you don’t feel everything.

Today, I feel broken. He broke me. I hate writing that, to give him that kind of power. Yet, it’s exactly how I feel. Today, I am fully barricaded in my castle, with all the hazards and obstacles fully in place to prevent myself from falling again. I cannot feel this depth of anguish and despair again…I won’t. There’s only so much a soul can take before she breaks.

It sounds so dramatic. And I know I’m “young.” I also know that time heals most wounds. Being right here in the thick of it, though, it feels as though this wound is just too deep and has too many layers that need to heal to ever resemble anything unbroken again. Some hurts are impossible to recover from.

While this isn’t my first trauma I’ve ever experienced, it is the most multi-layered. The stacks of different kinds of pain that need to be processed are astounding. I also acknowledge that my history proves that I do eventually recover. The next greatest trauma that I experienced took me almost a full decade to come back from. And this is just so much worst. I guess time will tell.

For now, though, I will remain guarded and actively escape this awful reality as often as I can. Unapologetically.

So, if you talk to me and I seem a bit vacant or distracted, just understand that life, in that moment, is just a little too much to absorb. Or if I talk a little too much, I know you will listen. My life bounces between extremes right now. It’s either “feel all the feelings” or “feelings? Those don’t matter. Let’s bury them.”

It’s interesting. I’ve always been open and emotional (and oftentimes, an emotional mess with everything worn transparently for all to experience right along with me). My ex has probably asked me, with no exaggeration, 20 times in the last 24 hours if I’m okay. Because I’m super withdrawn – vacant.

I am okay. I will be great again. I will go back to feeling everything again. For today, though, I will remain safely inside my castle. And feel the void that is my current state.

Because if I feel anything, then I’ll feel everything. And I want to feel nothing.

life

When the House Burns Down

May 15, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

The other day, I was chatting with a dear friend. I was updating her on the most recent news of this catastrophe when she said something that absolutely hit home. She said, “When you burn down the house, you don’t have a say in what happens to the ashes.”

Today, I was talking with another dear and wonderful friend. I was also updating her on where my mind is and she came up with this analogy. If you’re drunk driving with your best friend in the car, and you get in an accident where the best friend is killed, you have massive amounts of guilt and emotional trauma to deal with. And you also go to jail. There are consequences for actions, no matter how badly you may feel about your actions after the fact.

A month ago, when I was visiting a friend out of state, one of her friends helped me create an account on a dating app. Since then, I have gone out on dates with 4 different men, 2 of which were a complete bust. The other 2 dates were wonderful and we’ve gone on more dates since. If you’d like details on those dates, I’m more than happy to share them with you. I am telling you this for two reasons: 1.) I am not ashamed, and 2.) my ex’s verbal and emotional abuse no longer have power over me. I have been threatened by my (ex) husband that he is going to tell everyone what I am doing so I just may as well beat him to the punch and take away his power. He cannot control me anymore. *shrug*

I am choosing to live my life – my single life – as I see fit. My ex is no longer a person I know, nor trust. He’s a stranger to me. Yet, in many ways, he still behaves in all the ways I recognize – as just tonight he showed that ugly side of himself to me again. He tries to manipulate me with his words and his physical presence, he tells me that he talks with girlfriends of mine who, behind my back, are judging me and supporting him. While I am glad he is being supported, his attempts at manipulating me by using my friends, fall upon deaf ears. Whatever world he is painting, I no longer have to be a part of, and I’m completely shuttered off to him.

He no longer has power or control over me – and it’s destroying him. I think he has always equated love with emotional manipulation. It was how he was raised. He knows no better. He doesn’t understand why I won’t stop what I am doing and just give him a chance – even though I tell him repeatedly that I do not believe his words are genuine. And his actions back me up.

Tonight, I was threatened in a number of ways and every time I told him that he was threatening me, he appeared clueless. My ex is spiraling fast, and is trying so hard to take me down with him, but I am stronger than that.

I am thankful for my girls, my constant stream of support, that help me process my emotions. For years I fell into my ex’s manipulative traps. Now, when I feel myself starting to fall for his angry and manipulative attempts, I have my girls to sound off to, and they remind me of who I am.

I am strong. I do not owe him anything. And I especially do not need to give him my time when it is spent with him attacking me and trying to manipulate my feelings. Stressful situations help people reveal their true colors. For the most part, I have chosen to live life through this catastrophe with grace and understanding. While this blog might be filled with a bit more drama than it is grace, I felt I need to lay it all out there. I have friends dealing with guilt and emotional manipulation and I’m sure many more of you are, as well.

If you dealing with any negativity, hear my words. You owe nothing to anyone, not even your time. You do not need to put up with any guilt trips, any attempts at emotional blackmail, any attacks to your character. You are doing the best you can with the cards dealt to you. Own your strength and shut down the other person’s negativity by being completely shut off to it – do not feed into it! If you do not acknowledge it, you do not give it power. Tell the other person, over and over, that they no longer have control over you and you will not be manipulated anymore. It is not your problem how others react to your behavior.

It is not my problem how my ex chooses to respond to my behavior. I am being upfront and honest with him, answering all of his questions with truthful statements. I am not betraying him. I am not attacking him. I do not lie (daily) straight to his face. We are here today because of a complete disregard, by him, of his vows, and his family.

On March 17th, 2019, at 6:08 pm, my marriage broke. It ended. I no longer have a husband and haven’t for just about exactly 2 months now. It’s been 8 and a half weeks. The man I once thought I knew, the man I desperately tried to see, the one that was loyal and honest, stopped existing then. And the one I see now, the disloyal, manipulative, selfish, willing to do and say whatever it takes to get what he wants person, is now in his shoes.

And he wants me to be friends with him. This “new” guy my ex thinks he is wants me to contemplate a future with him. He says he wants to fight for us, to fight for me. And in the same moment, barely a second later, he threatens and verbally attacks me.

Interesting why I wouldn’t be open to being vulnerable and giving that guy a second chance. *eyeroll*

I refuse to be vulnerable. I refuse to indulge him by being a willing participant on his roller coaster ride. I refuse to be emotionally manipulated and verbally attacked.

I refuse.

Our broken family was not caused by me being unwilling to give him a second chance. Our broken family was caused by his selfish and narcissistic behavior. Our broken family was caused when he decided to join Ashley Madison and sleep around on every business trip he went on rather than put in any honest effort into making a failing marriage work.

He burned down this house.

Now I’m cleaning up the ashes in the way that I see fit.

Perhaps I am emotionally closed off – not only to him, but to others as well. I am riding my own roller coaster ride and am incredibly vulnerable from one second to the next, as I deal with the messy residue staining my life. I surely do not need to make myself vulnerable to a man who continues to attack and abuse me.

I am stronger than that.

So, if you have any opinions that you’d like to share as to how I should be cleaning up the ashes of my house that was purposely burned down, please, share them with me. Also understand that in doing so, I may close myself off to you, too, to protect myself.

I will not allow myself to be attacked by anyone. Ever. Again.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go wash the soot off my hands.

life

Embrace the Suck

May 9, 2019May 9, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

I am currently separated from a man who is seemingly entirely different from the one I was once married to. This guy is everything I’d hoped my husband could’ve been. He’s vulnerable, thoughtful, insightful, reflective, and genuinely kind.

It only took him hitting rock bottom, making incredibly selfish and hurtful decisions, day in and day out for almost a year, and then losing his family for him to wake up. That’s what he calls it – that he’s had an awakening.

When I first told people what’d happened, and that I was leaving my husband because of it, I also said that I had no idea what that meant for us. Some days I told people that there was no way I would give my marriage a chance again. Other days I responded with not knowing if this would be permanent or if some day, down the road, we’d try to make our marriage work again. The most insightful and loving of people responded with three common replies:

you do not have to make any decisions right now,
you have to do what’s right for you and your family and only you know what that means, and
I support you with whatever decision you make, even if it is to take him back.

I have some pretty incredible people in my life. The lack of judgement shown by the family and friends that surround me has been vitally important to me while I’m on this journey. I’m on a roller coaster and how I feel from one minute to the next varies so significantly that I sometimes think I’m no longer even remotely sane.

Every time I feel the most unbalanced, I reach out to my community. I am not shy about what is going on in my life and because of that, I have people ready to lift me up from every corner of my world. I have been embraced with unconditional love and understanding from “my people.” They are helping me ride this wave and process through all the emotions so that I can reach a logical decision on what it is I want to do moving forward.

I still don’t know.

There’s a lot of work that has to be done between here and there. And I’m so thankful this is not a decision I have to make quite yet. There are still so many emotions clouding my vision that now is not the time to think about anything past today.

So I take it all one moment at a time. That’s probably one of my biggest takeaways from the last 7.5 weeks. I am much better now at not having expectations. I’m much better at just living in the moment and enjoying what this second is bringing me. And I’m also much better at understanding that, while maybe this second sucks, it won’t forever, so keep breathing through it.

I also know that I know nothing. I think I may know something, but, as it turns out, I don’t. And boy, is that ever a freeing feeling! And the only thing that is certain is that nothing is ever certain. Everything is capable of being susceptible to change. And every person is, too. If they truly want to change.

By living with grace and understanding, it turns out my daughter isn’t the only one watching. I am not only showing her how to not hit walls when she’s angry and hurt, I’m showing my (ex) husband, too. And he’s actually seeing it. *mind blown*

He’s got a long road ahead, one of intense healing for the broken, sad little boy that lives within him. And I think he just might be ready to embark on his journey.

You see, if you surround others with love, while holding them accountable, amazing transformations can occur. I’ve seen it all around me. I’ve heard story after story from women who have sent me private messages that they, too, have survived marital affairs and their marriages are now better than ever. I used to have all sorts of judgments and opinions on how a person should behave under certain circumstances. I no longer do. Humans are a truly remarkable species. We’re capable of so much that defies logic. We’re capable of anything that we really, truly, honestly want to achieve. Remind yourself of that. Highlight that sentence. Write this on a sticky and place it on your bathroom mirror: I am powerful.

Mind over matter.

Mindset is everything.

I don’t know yet if we will be one of those positive statistics of a renewed and rekindled marriage but I do know the man my ex is today is not the man he was 2 months ago. And I am not the person I was 2 months ago, either. Both of those versions of ourselves are dead. And who he becomes after this catastrophe, who I become, is up to no one other than ourselves. It hasn’t been easy but I am proud for how I’ve handled myself through this catastrophe. Broken hand, emotional meltdowns, and all. Because I’ve tried, over and over for the last 60 days, to take the high road, to give grace to someone who hadn’t shown that he deserves it.

He’s showing he deserves it now. So while I make no promises, while I am still riding this wave, I will continue to do so with the purest of love and grace that I can muster. I started to behave this way for my daughter but as time goes on, I realize it’s so much bigger than that.

And today, at this part of my journey, I am hopeful. I guess what I’m hopeful for, at the very core of it all, is that my ex can find a way to release the pain he has harbored for well over 3 decades, that he can be genuinely happy on the inside, and that he can begin to reflect that out into the world.

If all of us choose to dig deep, to find true happiness within, then the wave we ride is a bit less tumultuous, isn’t it? When we approach life, and others, with nothing more than genuine love and grace in our hearts, then everyone wins. Life is a bit sweeter. Interactions purer. Hearts fuller.

I choose to live my life like this. Intentionally filled with grace.

Of course I’ll have moments where I let the emotions get the best of me. I’m still a work in progress, still very human. Living with intentional grace takes effort. It’s a skill. As is choosing happiness. And with any skill, it improves with practice. So I will continue my practice and when I make mistakes, I’ll then give myself grace. And continue moving forward.

Because there is no other option but to learn from all of these moments that form my life and use them to improve myself, down to my soul.

My life is a work in progress and I want to be proud of my work. At 38, I didn’t picture my life looking like this. And when I say that, I don’t mean it in the negative. I’ve never felt like my life has had more meaning. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived a more authentic and free life than I am right now. Despite the pain, the emotional roller coaster, the crash of waves changing my direction with every strong gust of wind, I’ve honestly never felt so good.

Whatever happens in this marriage, whether we file the paperwork and legally separate or end up trying to make it work, I know the decision will not be made lightly by either of us. And no matter the decision, it will be the one that works best for the two of us.

For now, everything is too unsettled to make a decision. So that portion of life is paused while things get sorted through. And I am okay with that.

I know many of you are struggling with your own roller coaster, you’re riding your own waves that are crashing down upon you and you have no idea how to keep your head out of water long enough to breathe. I’m also guessing that so much of how you’re feeling is because of how you think you’re supposed to respond because of society’s expectations on you and the expectations you have for yourself.

Let go. Hit the pause button.

Accept the way you feel right now. Honor how you feel because exactly how you feel is how you’re supposed to be feeling. If you fight it, or if you think you can’t behave a certain way because of how others would rather you feel or act, then you aren’t accepting the lesson. This journey is yours and yours alone. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for how you feel. It sucks? Breathe in the suck. Acknowledge how badly it sucks. When others try to be the ray of sunshine and you aren’t feeling it, let them know you’d rather them just rain with you. What the “hail,” maybe even have a full out storm with you (get it? get it? Sometimes you just have to laugh. *cracking up laughing over here*). You can only walk this journey the way you know how to best. And you do know how, you’re just fighting it. Embrace the suck: it is powerful and meaningful and will fill your life with grace and love. If only you let it.

And remember, you are walking this path for you and no one else. Those that genuinely love you will understand that and will be there at any moment you need them. You are never alone, even when you feel the most isolated. So lean on them as needed and without guilt – nothing has helped me more over the last 60 days than my community and the kindness of strangers.

Choose to live out loud. Choose happiness. Choose to learn and grow. Choose to live with intentional grace and love. Then continue to practice everyday, giving grace to yourself when you’ve had a “less than” response.

Remember, mindset is everything and you are powerful enough to control your destiny. Dig deep and live with intentional grace and love. For yourself, for those you love, and for strangers you randomly pass as you live your life.

Look for the good that is all around you. Life is beautiful. Even through the suck. So go ahead and embrace it and then watch how your life transforms.

life

Untangling Christmas Lights

May 5, 2019 A Graceful Catastrophe

Picture Christmas lights. You pull out a messy bundle that you thought you’d carefully wrapped up and put away the previous year. The first step is to plug them in, to see if they all light up. They don’t, of course. So then you have to start untangling them. At long last, after a stupid amount of agonizing minutes, the strand is free of tangles! You finally have a perfectly straight strand of lights. Yes! But where on earth is that one lousy bulb that’s making the whole blasted section short out?! Forget it! Rather than take the time to find the bloody thing, after you’ve just spent way too much time trying to straighten it all out, you just throw the whole strand away. It’s a lost cause.

That’s quite how I feel tonight. Trying to process my emotions right now feels like a lost cause. For the last hour or so, I just sat in silence, thinking. I was going nowhere with that, so I decided to grab my computer and just start writing.

I am doing my best to honor my emotions, to ride the wave and feel them all. On days like today, though, that is almost impossible. I want to bury them so that I can process my world logically. And then leave the emotions shoved in a box, buried deep in my soul. There are just too many to handle right now. And they’re all twisted together.

Like tangled, broken Christmas lights.

Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with honoring that? At least for a moment.

What do I know? I don’t have the answers. I’m just trying to live the best life that I can live, one moment at a time, now that I’m in the “after” portion of the catastrophe that upended my world.

But the truth of the matter is, there’s still a wave that I’m riding. Whether or not I tightly pack my emotions and bury them, they aren’t going away. I guess I just have to try to process them, so let’s take a minute and talk about today.

Today was…well, today was difficult. Those are the only words I have to describe today.

There is so much going on inside of me right now.

My mind is swirling.

My heart is racing. I can actually feel it hammering in my ears.

Today was my daughter’s birthday party to celebrate her 9th birthday. And it was a huge success. There was so much laughter and squealing from the kids, great conversation was taking place as I took a moment to quietly survey the party, and everyone seemed to be enjoying the food and drinks. The decorations were on point, the cake was incredibly decorated, and the bounce house was obviously a huge hit. With help from my parents, my (ex) husband and I threw another great party.

It’s what we do.

Wait…it’s what we did?

*sigh*

Moment. By. Moment.

I can’t live any other way right now.

I get lost when I try to.

I have a dear friend, rather like a soulmate, a sister, who checked in on me late tonight. She experienced probably the most significant loss a person could go through, went through such unimaginable pain, that she knew the significance on my emotions today would have. She could empathize with what exactly celebrating my daughter’s birthday would feel like for me. She just knew that today would be an incredibly difficult one.

So she sent me a message. Affirming me. Loving me. Reminding me that I am a great mom and that today was about making wonderful memories for my daughter. And together, my ex and I did exactly that. I gave nobody any clue that both last night and this morning sucked or that I was having an internal battle because of it – today wasn’t the time for that. Yet, she knew. She doesn’t even live in the same state that I do! And she knew. It was the most meaningful moment of the day for me.

I am well aware that milestones, even little ones, are going to be hard for a while. I’m thinking it is because those milestones are no longer going to occur the way I’d always envisioned them. Even when they seemingly do.

I’m tangled because today was so normal. Too normal. The party was flawless. Anyone who didn’t know what the last 7 weeks has looked like for me, for us, didn’t have any inkling that our marriage was broken. He hosted. I hosted. It’s just what we do. Today’s milestone was successfully – and normally – celebrated. But nothing is normal right now.

So, when everything seems perfectly happy and wonderful and normal, I find myself getting lost. Everything about living “normally” as a family takes monumental intention and discipline. Almost every move, every conversation, even every smile has to be calculated.

I am currently trying to live in a hyper-focused state because I’ve found that when I don’t, I don’t process my reality as well as I could. Everything gets messy and ridiculously tangled.

*Cue the purpose behind writing this tonight…*

But, as I sit here and write, I have to ask: is being hyper-focused a bad thing? Mindset is everything, right? I mean, we all know that. I constantly hear: “Embrace the moment!” Or people say, in some way or another, to enjoy living in a space where the only thing that matters is literally right now: “Live in the now.” “Be present.” Maybe it’s time to trust that the “hyper-focused” attitude is exactly the way I should’ve been living all along.

Huh.

You know, when I first began writing this blog, somewhere a little over 2 hours ago, I was feeling overwhelmed. I even had a physiological response to it, with my heart racing and thumping in my ears. Now, though, I think I’m beginning to get untangled.

And this is exactly why I write.

I am a verbal processor. I either have to talk through things in order to make sense of them, or write about them. I can’t just live inside my head – I get absolutely nowhere with “thinking.”

What about you? Do you have tangled Christmas light moments? Times where you just think to yourself how messed up it all is and it’s so overwhelming that it feels like a lost cause? How do you remind yourself that it’s not?

If you aren’t sure how you process intense emotions and deep thoughts, take a minute to analyze how you’ve worked through problems before. Do you talk about it? Do you journal? Do you mull it over inside your head while you go out for a run? It’s important to know because everyone needs a healthy outlet to help get their head right. Tonight, I went from spiraling down a rabbit hole of confusion to feeling pretty great again. All because I decided to grab my computer and write.

From start to finish, it’s going to take me well over 4 hours to write just this one blog. When I first sat down to write tonight, my thoughts started in the same place as I did with this one, but then went off in a completely different direction. I didn’t like where that was going, so I discarded it and began again. And then I edited this piece like crazy. The whole process helped me understand my thoughts and pinpoint why I was feeling the way I was. I dumped it all onto this beautifully simple blank page. Writing gave me the time to understand what I was thinking and helped me get my mindset back where it needed to be.

Life is confusing. No matter what you’re living through right this moment, your life is sure to take you on a journey. It’s supposed to. There aren’t many things you can count on with certainty, but experiencing ups and downs is a given. We are meant to grow, so we must experience discomfort. Here are some things I’ve learned in the last 7 weeks that continuously help me get through my discomfort, this catastrophe, with grace.

Choose to see the good in the people around you, because everybody has good in them.
Don’t worry about what may happen at some point down the road or what you should’ve done yesterday. Process the moments as they come and make sure to do so in a healthy way.
Count on others for help. We all inherently want to help the members in our community so you aren’t a burden. Don’t think for a second that you are.
Hyper-focus on the moments. Though, you may be in the middle of stepping in the mess that erupted after it hit the fan, look up. You don’t have to focus on the mess. When you see all that is in front of you, you’ll surely find something to make you smile.

You all do that for me, you know. While trying to side-step the mess that is my current chapter, you all help me look up. You make me smile. I’m grateful to you – for reading my blog, for commenting on it here and on social media, and especially for sharing it with others because you think it might help them process their world just a tiny bit better. You lift me up with your positive messages and with the stories you’ve shared. I know I’m not alone in this journey and I am thankful that I can lean on so many of you. Your presence in my life is a gift and I can only hope that I can be that gift for others, too.

So if you ever need help untangling Christmas lights, both figuratively and literally, I am here for you.