Tag: life

life

My Cinnamon Roll Life

A Graceful Catastrophe

So, apparently I make a pretty incredible cinnamon roll.

I discovered this secret after quarantine gifted me almost a complete loss of income. “Gifted me,” you ask?

Why, yes. I am a private math tutor and my working hours are typically after school and weekends. Because of that, my daughter was seeing more of her babysitters than she was of me. My time was consumed with growing my business. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do! It’s just that I was also missing my daughter…so much. On March 17, we went on lockdown. Shortly thereafter, I lost almost all of my clients. Which means, I lost the vast majority of my income.

Thank goodness I’d saved for several significant vacations my daughter and I were going to take this summer. Because I had something to fall back on. For a while, at least.

And then things got serious. And I got nervous. I was overwhelmed with fear – how was I going to survive without any income??

As a stress relief, I started to bake. I’ve always loved to create in the kitchen and there’s no feeling quite like the one that comes over me when someone compliments my cooking.

One day I made cinnamon rolls from scratch, along with the frosting. My friend in Texas had made them and sent me the recipe. I had nothing else to do, so I decided to also make them.

They were SO good! And the recipe had made SO many! I decided to go to social media and made this, what I thought was sarcastic, post:

People love cinnamon rolls!

As it turns out, I stumbled upon some pretty interesting information: people really, really love cinnamon rolls!

I started to get orders for cinnamon rolls like crazy! In those first several days, I didn’t leave my kitchen. I was making cinnamon rolls from the time I opened my eyes until I collapsed into bed at 2 am.

And so began, the cinnamon roll life.

Now, I’ve learned how to manage the orders and lump them on the same day. I make cinnamon rolls once a week now and I’ve even begun cooking dinners! On the weeks that I have my daughter, and it’s a “cinnamon roll day,” she breathes in deeply when she hugs me and says, “Mmm! You smell like cinnamon rolls!”

I love the example that’s being set for her. This virus, and the quarantine that followed, threw every single person in the world for a loop. Most of us have this illusion that we’re in control.

We’re not. Not even a little bit. We can plan and prepare for almost anything and there will still be some “opportunity” (that’s what I call difficult moments now) that presents itself. When we are given this opportunity, we can either choose to succumb to the stress and whine and complain, curl up in a ball and freeze, wondering how in the world you’re going to make it (which is what I did for a hot second)…OR you can embrace it and do whatever it takes to not merely survive, but thrive.

I’m a “thriver.” I am not a survivor. Last year, when catastrophe struck on a personal level, it was all I could do to simply survive. I learned an abundance in those initial 8 months and during the most wonderful solo trip to Greece, I was able to reinvent, or perhaps just rediscover, who exactly I was.

And I am a thriver.

Whatever is thrown at me, I will make the lemonade from those sour lemons. And it’s going to taste damn delicious.

Catastrophe continues to teach me who I am. Through each difficult pass in this journey, I am able to unfurl another layer and delve deeper into the essence that makes me, well, me. And, at least currently, the me that I am smells like cinnamon rolls.

I don’t quite think there is anything better, or more beautiful, than the chance to really see what you’re made of, down to your core. This virus has given me a souvenir that I will add to my collection as yet another reminder that I am strong, capable, and enough.

What souvenirs from this historical moment are you taking into the future with you?

life

The Journey Continues

A Graceful Catastrophe

Looking back at the last year, I think I handled myself mostly with grace during this catastrophe. There were some questionable moments, sure. Like the time that I bragged to people who were friends at the time about knowing the bartenders at the local bar so well that they gave me significant discounts on my tab at the end of the night – every night. The bartenders became my friends. They knew my story. They checked up on me and supported me – with lots of booze.

Surely that wasn’t the best way to handle those first several months…but it was the only way I knew how to cope with that catastrophe. I’d often drink, because the goal was to forget what was happening in my real life. I drank (frequently in excess) because real life was much harder than any words I ever wrote in any of these blogs. Some of the things that occurred are just too difficult to share in such a public forum. Just understand, I didn’t want to exist in that life that was handed to me in those moments.

And then, one day, shortly after my ex finally moved out, my perspective began to shift. I was lucky enough to have had the support from an incredible group of strong women who both called me out and showered me with unconditional love. I began to realize that what had happened in my life was a gift. A gift of potential happiness. While I wasn’t yet experiencing true happiness, I at least began to believe I’d be happy again someday.

The universe, our energy, God, destiny…whatever you want to call it, it’s very real to me. I believe in the clichés that everything happens for a reason and that nobody is in our lives by accident.

The following is my proof.

In early July, I randomly followed a Greek photographer on Instagram. Goodness, his pictures were phenomenally exceptional. By that point, 4 months post catastrophe, I’d developed a “screw it” attitude and decided to comment on some of his pictures, even though he had thousands of followers. To my great surprise, he commented back, thanking me for the compliment.

What?! So, because I decided I’d already lost anything significant in my life and there wasn’t much else I could lose, I decided to send him a direct message through Instagram. What was the worst that was going to happen? He wouldn’t respond. Meh. I was okay with a non-response.

So, at 2:20 in the afternoon, on July 12, 2019, I wrote to Billy. I had nothing to lose.

“Hi, there! Seriously, your pictures paint a picture of places I feel drawn to… They’re all in Greece? That’s where you live?”

Exactly 40 minutes later, and to my complete and utter surprise, he responded.

“Ahh thanks so much! Some of them yes! I post mostly from Greece and Italy. I live in Greece, yup!”

At 3:31, I wrote:

“You make me what to get there ASAP. I’ve been itching to go on a trip – Greece just moved to the top of the list.”

(By the way, I’d “been itching to go on a trip” because I wanted to run away. While I’d never leave my daughter for any real stretch of time, I didn’t want to live that life for another second and just needed time away from the disaster that was currently my world.)

In true Billy form, his response was genuine:

“That’s awesome! Let me know if you need any kind of info. *smiley face*”

We went on chatting that first day, on again and off again, for another 90 minutes.

And then talked again the next day and practically every single day until I’d not only made my decision, but I purchased my tickets.

On July 16, I’d decided I was going. To Greece. To meet a perfect stranger, albeit a talented one, that I’d met randomly on social media. Kids, I don’t recommend you do this at home. *eyeroll*

On July 23, at 8:41 am, I wrote to Billy and shared a screenshot. I’d purchased my tickets to Greece.

11 days. In the span of eleven days, I’d connected with a stranger with an incredible talent -through social media – who’d become by friend after hours and hours of chatting. We’d had such an immediately strong connection that I decided to book a photography workshop with him and his business partner (whom I hadn’t even chatted with yet at this point) and was going to be flying halfway around the world and trusting he wasn’t going to scam or hurt me.

That’s the state of mind I was in. I’d been so deeply hurt that nothing would ever cut to my soul in such a manner ever again. And you know what happens when you’ve realized that? Freedom.

I was free.

Though some would say that my newfound sense of freedom led me to make some incredibly careless decisions. But sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there to see what happens. And this rash, bold decision was one I truly would’ve regretted not making.

But…I was still very much broken. Shattered. Unrecognizable for all the wrong reasons. I had no sense of self-worth. I would do almost anything for validation that I was somebody worthy of breathing in the air around me. It didn’t matter who was making me feel like I was someone or why they thought I was special.

I was looking for anything and anyone to fill me up. I craved for someone to see me in the way I was incapable of seeing myself. If “they” showed me approval, then maybe I wasn’t as worthless as I’d thought I was. As I referenced in this blog I wrote while in Greece, I was looking for others to fill my bucket, yet I never felt fulfilled. My figurative bucket was riddled with holes and no matter what I received from outsiders, it never filled me up because I’d never taken the time to patch the holes for myself.

Well, that all was going to change so quickly that it now feels like I blinked and became a whole new woman.

I left for Greece on November 14. One of my closest girlfriends didn’t think I was actually going to go through with it. I had so much anxiety leading up to the trip that I couldn’t pack – I didn’t even finish packing until the morning of the day I flew out. I was an absolute mess. I could barely breathe and cried, with the tears flowing more readily the closer the trip became. And my friend? She didn’t exhale until she knew I was safely at the airport. She kept telling herself, if she actually makes it to the airport, she’s fine, she’ll really go. She just didn’t think I’d make it. I almost didn’t.

Once I was at the airport, I sat down for a drink. And had the most incredible interaction with random strangers at the bar (this story is in the same blog referenced earlier). I had a pretty decent and very public ugly cry. And finally exhaled.

During my flights to my connections in Detroit and then Amsterdam, I started the healing process. I decided to make word art from all the positive words people used to describe me and words I wanted to use to describe myself. I also made word art from all the humiliating and derogatory words my ex had texted me. I only went back about 2 months. That was enough. As I wrote down such ugliness in such a beautiful fashion, I felt myself begin to release the tension and constant pain I’d been holding on to.

Over time, and with so much repetition, I couldn’t help but eventually believe my ex. I was nothing. And I feared everything. These words became my truth.
Thankfully, I had several other people feeding me much different words. I didn’t believe them yet. But I desperately wanted to.

This was only the beginning.

What my trip to Greece did for me is something I’m not sure I’ll ever fully be able to describe with words. The sheer magnitude of this experience renders me speechless. And, when I really try to talk about it, I often cry. It was just so powerful.

Solo travel, especially for a woman, and especially a woman who’d been in a toxic and abusive relationship, is so empowering. To have put all my confidence into two strangers was exhilarating. To actively chase a dream that I’d never had the opportunity to pursue before was magical. This was much more than a leap of faith. It was a plunge into something so great that it was transformative. Who I was on November 14 was not the woman that came back on November 24. I could feel it to my core. Those shattered pieces that I’d actively chosen to ignore for 8 months began to piece back together into an incredible masterpiece.

As it turns out, Billy and Chris, my Greek photography teachers, are absolute geniuses. They have an ability to awaken something inside of you that you always hoped existed but never had the opportunity to explore. If you have even the tiniest desire to explore photography – and the world – do so with the Atlas Roamers. They are incredibly wise and talented and just about the two best people you could ever hope to meet. They are not only my friends, they’ve become my family.

When you spend so much uninterrupted time with the same people, in such an intimate setting (a small car was where we spent hours each day, traveling from one divinely beautiful destination to another, and then more hours in the hotel rooms, where they taught me to edit my photos), where so much blind trust is given, you can’t help but create a bond that is quite unlike any other. These two are forever my brothers and I owe them more than any amount of money could purchase.

It was while I was with them that I fell in love with myself. It was on this wild adventure that I learned I was capable, strong, and enough and no longer had anything to prove to myself anymore. This experience was so dynamic that the only thing I can say about it is to go explore the world for yourself and see how it changes you. There is nothing quite like having to put yourself in such a uniquely vulnerable state that you can’t help but grow from it.

It is because of this solo vacay that my very energy changed. I felt like I was radiating pure joy from every pore in my body. I cried to my mom on video chat on my last day in Athens. She thought it was because I was leaving the next day. But, I was finally able to get out that this experience had been life changing for me.

And not only did every fiber in my body experience a drastic transformation, I’d discovered I was actually a pretty decent photographer.

I own the rights to this picture.
I own the rights to this one, too.

I have such a passion for photography, that I’ve started a new business, Craig’s Impressions, LLC (so if you’d like any prints of my work, I’d be happy to chat with you about it! Feel free to contact me at craigsimpressions@gmail.com).

This new passion project is another leap of faith and here’s the fascinating thing about this: I actually think I can do it! Just a few short months ago, I questioned my self-worth. I allowed others to treat me poorly because I didn’t think I was worth anything better. I excused their shitty behavior, apologizing to them for making them act that way, thinking it was because of something I did. Or perhaps they would’ve reacted differently had I not done x, y, or z.

Their rude, insulting, degrading behavior was my fault. I didn’t think I was capable of much and needed so much outward assurance to get to a point where I’d half believe it. I was faking my way through life, smiling, looking quite self-assured, all while the internal dialogue was something I would’ve smacked any friend for if I’d heard her talking to herself like that. I was living an impostor’s life.

That is, until I faced every fear, felt every negative and derogatory word ever spoken to me, honored that they were the lies, and finally started to release their power over me. And then ended up having the time of my life.

All of this happened in a span of just a few days. My entire internal world began to shake and collapse in all the best ways the second I stepped foot into the Denver airport.

So, this blog is now transitioning from processing my ex’s infidelity to my travels and newly found passion in photography – and the incredible journey that my path is now taking me on. The world I currently live in is so vastly different than the one from before 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019.

And I couldn’t be more grateful for that moment in time, for that stranger, for my ex, and for the roller coaster that this last year has been. Every single chance encounter, each and every decision – responsible or otherwise – has led me to this very second. And it is here, and now, that I am filled with a deep and wonderous love for myself. My bucket is whole and patched up, allowing it to finally be filled. And I am happy.

I do hope you stick around and follow my newest adventures in life! I’m thinking my next blog will be about my recent trip to Ireland and I cannot wait to share the adventures – and photography – from that whirlwind vacation. Until next time…

*hugs!*

life

Unsettled

A Graceful Catastrophe

You know how some books have multiple parts? And, in between the chapters, when a new part is starting, there is a whole page, mostly blank, dedicated to that new beginning? And it says something like, Part 4 (or whatever) in big, bold font. But, then you have to actually turn the page to get to the new chapter?

That’s what I feel like right now. Today, actually. I’m in the “part page” of this incredible narrative that is my life. I know my previous chapter has fully ended. I have turned that page. And I thought the next page was taking me to a new chapter, but…it just doesn’t quite feel like it’s begun yet.

I feel a bit like I’m in limbo.

This new chapter does feel as though it is just about to begin. I have new endeavors beginning to blossom and wisps that were once merely ideas beginning to take shape. Possibly the proverbial “tomorrow” will bring it all more properly into focus.

Until then, I am trying hard to focus on today. On taking it all one day at a time. To be okay with just breathing in this moment. It’s so incredibly laughable, really. I’m literally sitting here, shaking my head at myself and chuckling. Just less than a year ago, I couldn’t even dream about thinking even one hour into the future. I was desperately treading water. Thrashing about, actually – and losing – as the waves crashed down upon me over and over, promising to drown me with the next one.

I had to concentrate wholly and completely on my breath…on this very moment. From one inhale…and then exhale, to the next breath in. While in survival mode, there was no opportunity to dream. All I saw in my future was a great, black abyss. My future couldn’t exist. And surely dreams were nothing I’d ever fathom of having again.

And then, one day, those great waves slowly settled from tsunami to rain storm to a gentle, rolling sea. The tides had turned. Life was filled with peace once again. And joy.

Which turned me back into a dreamer. I dreamed with enthusiasm once again. Freely. Well, for a while. But quite recently, it’s begun to feel wrong to dream without bound. Careless, even. Now, just before my dreams explode into the full color, high-def movie they once easily did, they seem to have a cloud shading them.

My dreams now come hesitantly. I begin to let my mind wander, hopeful about the future, lost in all the beauty that could be…and then I turn the corner and run smack into a wall filled with caution signs. I tell myself to slow down, to guard my heart, to proceed with great care. Because, as I’ve learned in previous chapters, there is significant pain as those dreams inevitably come to a very realistic end.

How can I turn the page into my newest chapter when the very fibers of my being are screaming at me to be wary?

For some time, I had to tell myself, deliberately and with tremendous focus, to fear less. I was quite scared of the world around me and fully believed I was incapable of facing all that was out there in this vast and wondrous world. With that intention, of purposefully fearing less, I became fearless. I stopped worrying what was around the corner because I knew, no matter what it was, that I could – and would – conquer it. I stopped behaving in a way where I had to prove to myself that I was enough because I just became enough. I knew I was capable. I knew I had the strength to conquer any challenge. I knew if I were defeated, it’d only be but for a moment, because I would rise again, more tenacious and determined than ever before.

I still know these things are true. I do not fear the pain when reality crumples up my dreams and spits them out.

I have started to understand, however, that to chase my dreams with such an open heart is rather foolish. I have prior knowledge that should not be dismissed. Previous chapters of this life have taught me some incredibly hard lessons. And I am finding that I cannot – should not – dream as I once did. Or live with such a pure and open heart anymore. It feels childish to do so.

And that is beyond frustrating to me. Because I’ve always been a free spirit. I don’t exactly want to live a guarded life. It’s just that right now, I feel that I’m supposed to.

Maybe this is why I felt compelled to write once again. Why I feel “in between” and unsettled. My story cannot continue to progress now because of these walls. They weren’t there before…I mean, I’d become fearless. But slowly but surely, these bricks are being cautiously laid, piled one on top of the other, cemented into place with the wisdom from my past that I’d been deliberately ignoring.

Which is another reason to focus, once again, on this breath. While I am no longer drowning, and the waves are no longer crashing violently upon me, I have the understanding that the only thing that is real is this very moment.

And don’t get me wrong, this moment is a lovely one, filled with opportunity. I am happy. I also have this great desire to take care of myself, to be cautiously optimistic, to dream…but to also see the clouds that hover ever ominously over those dreams.

There is always a storm I could get caught in, so why not just be ready and carry the umbrella?

Not terribly long ago, I thought that living at a distance from your self, walled behind protection from your true feelings, was living a disingenuous life. Living a lie. Now, though, I don’t quite agree with myself anymore. Perhaps that security is more wise than I used to think. Just like I wouldn’t drive without the safety of a seat belt, I think one can still live a fully authentic life and be guarded. The seat belt doesn’t prevent you from reaching your destination, it just provides an extra safety net to ensure you get there without great harm. It isn’t so much fearing the inevitable fall into the painful existence that accompanies shattered dreams, but being aware the fall could come and, therefore, preparing the landing a bit so you don’t get so hurt.

People all around me live carefully and have their guards properly in place. Perhaps it’s time I ought to, as well.

life

3.4 Miles

A Graceful Catastrophe

When I saw the sign that said, “Ouray KOA,” I grinned and cheered. Like, for real. There was actual fist pumping happening in my car. I’d done it!! I made my first solo drive…my first drive through the mountains. And it was snowy at times, and visibility wasn’t great, and other times the roads were dry and it was smooth sailing. And I did it.

Then, 3.4 miles from my hotel, I was overcome by emotion. I couldn’t believe I’d done it.

I know I’ve come a long way in the days since March 17th. My growth has truly been exponential . It started off slow, and rocky, and…okay, okay, it was non-existent. My first several months afterwards I didn’t want to experience my reality. I wanted to ignore it. And I did just about anything I could to escape it.

When you ignore your reality, you can’t exactly grow.

And that’s absolutely okay. I was in survival mode. That was all I could hang on to – just take one more breath, girl. You can do this. One breath at a time.

And then, one magical day, I was ready.

And I took off.

Today, I’m a new me. Someone who sits alone at a bar in a strange city and happily eats her food, smiling to herself every now and then, not giving a care in the world.

I’m someone who drives through the snowy mountains because there’s a city she’s waited to go to for years and years and she’s done waiting for someone else to bring her here.

I’m done waiting. Period. If I want it, I will figure out a way to do it. Because I’m alive and breathing and that’s all the reason I need.

I’m also still learning. Sure, I’ve come a long way. I believe it never ends, though. There are always ways I can improve. Things I can nurture and refine. I’m finding the balance between pushing myself and simply marinating in the moment. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I tend to live by the rule it’s either all or it’s nothing. Do it right the first time or don’t do it at all. I’m all in. Or I’m out. And I’m learning that perhaps there’s a better, more delicate space to land…perhaps.

In Greece, I learned a lesson that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. My whole purpose of going to Greece, though, was to prove to myself that I can. So, I did. And then I thought I was good. I had countless epiphanies over there. My very energy changed. I didn’t have anything left to prove to myself.

Or so I thought.

So, let me back up a minute. Give you some context. Yesterday I left for a road trip through the mountains…with my front wheel drive Mini Cooper…through a minor snowstorm. I decided to embark on yet another solo journey, this magnificent road trip, because I’ve realized I still have more I want to prove to myself. I still have fears that require facing. Insecurities. Doubts.

I absolutely hate doubting myself.

So, I booked this trip. And, after much fret and worry, finally took off. Goodness, I’m less than 24 hours into this trip and I’m already grateful I didn’t back out.

As I looked out on the scenery during the drive, I noticed all the variety of shades of white that exist in nature. It was just white on white on white. In front of me, all around me, surrounding me. Just white. It was stunning.

I drank it in. Really experienced where I was. And I was in no hurry whatsoever. I took detours to take pictures. I saw bighorn sheep!!

Don’t miss out on the beauty that surrounds you because you’re afraid to open your eyes.

I took so many deep breaths. Just so I could exhale. I needed to exhale the voices in my head. The ones that told me I was incapable. And then I spent some time talking to myself, rather than wasting time listening to those voices. This time, the incapability was of driving in the snow. I’ve been told many times that I can’t drive in the snow, or that I shouldn’t drive in the snow. And, I have also had many circumstances where I’ve proven to myself that maybe I shouldn’t ever drive in the snow. I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s been told to me and then reinforced. I can’t do it.

Which is exactly why I’m here today, having driven not only through the snow, but through snow covered roads, with limited visibility at times, over winding s-curved mountain passes.

Face my fear. I’m all in. I know no other way.

So, this is why, 3.4 miles away from my hotel, I lost it. The tears simply struck and didn’t let up for several minutes. It was the release I needed. Another fear conquered. Another lesson learned. I can do scary things. And survive.

And then reflect and realize there was nothing scary about it after all.

So, here, now, I encourage you. Do something that scares you. Something you’ve avoided because you keep listening to the voices in your head rather than talking to yourself. Create your new narrative. It isn’t as scary as you’re making it out to be.

I promise.


life, love

Cliffhanger

A Graceful Catastrophe

My mind is buzzing, electrified. I can picture my thoughts as these tiny, wee, little blobs with legs, jumping from neuron to neuron, laughing in delight. Mocking me.

I can’t catch one, though. I feel like I have to write, like I have to get out what’s in my head, but I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I’m supposed to write about. My thoughts are taunting me, skating about on the edge of consciousness.

Perhaps that is exactly where I should begin. On the edge.

You see, we’re on the edge right now, ready to dive into the new year. I’m on the edge, too, ready to dive into 39 (which my friend happily reminded me is actually the beginning of my 40th year. Gee, thanks for that clarification. *facepalm*)

And yet, this edge that I’m precariously (this word can mean a great deal of things, so I figured I’d include a synonym for how I’m choosing to use it in this sentence: daringly) balanced upon feels more stable than anywhere I’ve been standing at any point during all of my adulthood.

As I look around at my life, both figuratively and literally, I see that no matter which direction I choose to step off this edge, I’m going to fall into something unbelievably marvelous. And how do I know this? Because I am the one captaining the ship. I am wholly and completely in charge of all aspects of my success and happiness, in regards to my daughter, friends, work, love, or any other element of my life, both significant and inconsequential.

To finally understand this, to at long last possess this knowledge, is a gift. It’s a gift because I no longer live in fear – not of the future, not of falling in love, not of leaving my house after dark, and definitely not of being alone. Life should actually just be viewed as the greatest cliffhanger of all time – none of us know how anything will end, but it’s that uncertainty that makes it exciting (description of the word “cliffhanger’ taken from the Cambridge online dictionary).

Goodness, I truly do love living on the edge and in the space of the unknown! It’s absolutely bold, and perhaps a touch reckless, and surely not for everyone, but it just feels so free. I feel so free! For months and months, life felt heavy. I felt like the weight on my shoulders was so much that I’d never be able to rise again.

Today, I feel so light and free that I could almost float away. Almost. I’m still trying to remain grounded. I have a vision of where my life will be in 2 years. And, boy, does it ever excite me. Sure, it’ll probably change 2,034 more times in the next 24 months. And you know what? That is totally and completely okay.

I welcome change and bumps in my path along the way. They all serve a purpose, and I get the opportunity to grow from them. I do not fear pain. I will never again avoid something – whether it’s feelings or a physical act of doing something – because I’m afraid. I’m not scared of adversity. I have scars that mark all the aches and, let’s be real, moments of utter agony, that I’ve experienced. Those scars, though…I now see they simply add to my internal beauty. Scars that I wouldn’t hide for anything because they’ve made me everything I am in this moment. And I am no longer somebody who hides away.

You see, over these last months, I’ve been hurt. A few times. There are fresh scars.

But the thing is, when you’ve been shattered, pain becomes relative. You understand it will always be there. There will always be new opportunities for life to dish out pain. And yet, nothing will ever hurt you like the time when catastrophe struck and rocked you to your core.

You become bulletproofed, in a way.

Here’s the thing, which really is quite magical now, nobody will ever offer me the same profoundly deep wound that the father of my child delivered. The level of hurt that occurs from the person who helped you create a family together, when he cast the final blow, thereby destroying it, will be unparalleled for the rest of my life.

So for him, and for that, I am grateful. Because I can now live free. I can allow myself to be as vulnerable as I want because no matter what discomfort occurs along the way, I know I will come out on the other side stronger than I was before. And I have no doubt because I’ve come back from much, much worse.

The coolest thing about where I’m at though? It’s that I’m done begging. I seek understanding, of course. But I’m not going to beg somebody to see me. I see me. And if you aren’t in the position to, I fully understand that isn’t about me. Because I no longer question my worth. I know I’m enough.

The right people will see that in me, also. And it’ll take no convincing. They’ll just know. The relationship will be effortless. My friendships feel this way. And someday a romantic relationship will, too.

I’m no longer in the position where I have to try to jam square pegs in round holes. My outlook on life has completely changed…

Oh! Just listen to this for a moment! You know what’s incredibly interesting? I took a personality test recently and when I got the results at the end, I had the option to email them to myself. When I input my email address, I received a notification that I already had an account. Hmm, I suppose at some point in my past, I took the same test! Well! As a sucker for data, I quickly figured out how to log into my old account and found my previous results.

And then my mind was blown. My personality has actually completely changed. The first time I took the test, at some point during my married past, I was classified as an introvert. This time, though? I classified as an extrovert. I had already felt that change within but to see it in black and white was seriously deep. I live out loud now. My whole approach to life has undergone a 180.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? The way we choose to look at things defines everything. I feel my energy. I know I’m glowing. And it’s been a mere 9 months and 9 days since everything in my world ceased to exist as I knew it. The growth has been exponential.

So, bring it on. Life is an adventure and I’m here to live it fully and authentically, no matter what that means. My decisions may cause some discomfort, and even downright annoyance, to those who care about me, and I appreciate their beautiful and logical minds. For me, though, in order to live the authentic life I so desire, my heart will always prevail.

At any cost.

Which is why my next blog will be written once I’ve arrived in Ouray, after driving through a snowstorm at midnight to get there. In my front wheel drive Mini Cooper. And honestly, I’m super excited about that adventure.

I will not shy away from something I want because the road to it has the potential to be a little precarious…even risky.

I’m here to chase my heart’s desires and live on the edge. Daring. Real. Full of life and adventure. I may not have a clue how anything will end but, to me, there’s no other way to truly live with authenticity. And I’m here to live a very authentic life.

life, love

The Gift of All Gifts

A Graceful Catastrophe

I’m not entirely certain how I feel. How I’m supposed to feel. I suppose the best way to describe it would be rather like the sky appears, shortly after the storm passes. It’s still a bit gray, perhaps with patches of darkness, but you can clearly see the silver lining amongst the clouds. And then, there are those seemingly enchanted areas, where the sun’s rays sneak through a break in the clouds, streaming unbroken all the way to the earth below.

That comes close to putting into words how I feel inside.

The other feeling I get, though, is emptiness. Hollow. There’s a distinct feeling that something is missing.

December is ordinarily my favorite month of the year. This December has been both surprisingly wonderful and disappointingly inadequate.

That, too, seems to describe life, in general, these days.

It’s 1:46 am, Christmas morning. Thankfully, my daughter is older, and will likely sleep in until around 7, and I may even get to take a Christmas day nap later on when she goes to her dad’s house. Sleep teases me tonight. I currently have no desire for it.

There are just far too many conflicting thoughts swirling around for me to find the peace necessary for sleep. For relaxation. Much like the post-storm sky, there are patches of dark and stretches of light, tangled within.

Tonight, while I was wrapping presents, my brother and his girlfriend kept me company and helped me wrap. My brother made a comment about last Christmas, and how my ex and I behaved towards one another. It was not a sweet memory. We were not happy, and it was apparent. At this point, he’d been cheating on me, unbeknownst to me, for at least the previous 7 months, most likely longer. I felt a strain in our marriage, as I had for years. So, I wanted to make Christmas extra special. My gifts to him were thoughtful and had taken months of coordination and behind-the-scenes work.

I was so excited for him to open his gifts. I remember being giddy with the anticipation.

And then I opened my gifts. He’d gotten me a variety of things from my alma mater. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love sporting gear from my alma mater. However, it was obvious that there was little thought that went into my gifts. No care. No love. Just a quick visit to a website and a few clicks later, everything was ordered. It’s funny, how the same type of gift can be received in wildly different ways. You see, I received a gift of a pair of socks representing my alma mater from a wonderful, dear new friend just last week. That gift was thoughtful and makes me smile right now as I recall the care that went into not only choosing the gift, but also in how it was presented to me. Same type of gift, significantly different message.

And here’s why.

My ex and I were together about 11 years. At that point, I’d think he’d understand me at a depth that went beyond gear from my alma mater. That’s simple. Obvious. So obvious that someone who’s known me for less than a month could gift it to me, knowing it’d make me smile.

So that’s it. That was an easy gift for my ex to give. Simple. A no-brainer. You only have to know me at a superficial level in order to know that’d please me. There was no depth to those gifts.

But why should there have been? There was no depth to our relationship. There was no care or concern for it, either. My brother’s remark about his memory from last year made that clear.

Which is why it’s better that it ended. I have an opportunity to have a real relationship. One filled with genuine love. One with depth and authenticity. Commitment. Not only commitment to one another, but to lifting one another up and encouraging growth. Someone who will push me to be the best version of myself, rather than the worst. Someone who understands my drive to be better tomorrow than who I was today. And repeat that. Everyday.

I guess what I’m processing here is that tomorrow (today?) represents so much more than just the gifts. It’s about the thought that goes into them. It’s about knowing someone so well that you know how to touch their hearts through something tangible. Now, I totally blew it with my dad this year. I knew what I was going to get him. My daughter and I had talked about it weeks ago. We ran out of time that day to go get it, so I placed it on my mental checklist. Guess who realized, while wrapping tonight, that just because you think you did something doesn’t actually mean you did it. *facepalm* My dad deserves the world be given to him and I couldn’t even remember to get him this one, tiny little thing. Ugh….

Everyone’s gift (even my dad’s invisible one), was decided upon after much thought. My ex couldn’t give me that gift last year – thoughtfulness. I remember the feeling, too, as I opened the gifts from him. While I was grateful for the gear, I remember feeling hurt that such little time and effort went into the gifts he’d chosen for me. He didn’t know me beyond the superficial. And the evidence was displayed all over the place, and reinforced with each present I unwrapped.

So, overall, this place that I’m in…I know it’s good. I know we weren’t happy. And I truly am grateful for the infidelity. And for the months of deceit. And for each and every single layer of betrayal he gifted me. Everything he was became the catalyst for who I am today.

Today, I not only understand myself better than ever before, I have a different perspective on others. I try to be more compassionate and understanding. I try to be more intentional and present (this one is still so hard for me). I try to be everything I wasn’t in my marriage. Because I am fully aware of what happens when everyone becomes complacent, bitter, and sad. When the only things you choose to see are the challenges and negatives. When your focus lands upon all the ways someone lives under expectation.

While I will never take responsibility for his infidelity, or for him choosing to spend $70 each month on a website dedicated to help married people cheat…or for his role in the demise of our relationship, I do understand my part in all of it.

I will take responsibility for my role in the demise of our relationship. I sucked as a wife. Period. No excuses as to why I sucked. There’s no justification in being a crappy human. And because I now have the privilege of hindsight and self-reflection, I’ll never be her again.

When you know better, you do better.

And every single day that passes, I know better than I did the previous day. There’s no going backwards. There’s no desire to have any sort of relationship with my ex anymore. He is someone who I am forever tied to because of my daughter and at the same time, is just someone I used to know. He doesn’t know who I am anymore. Honestly, though? He stopped knowing me a long time ago. Really, even long before he decided to put more effort into knowing other people’s wives over dinners and bottles of wine than he did into me. Our connection failed years and years ago. And we did nothing, really, to mend it back together.

Perhaps that is what this hollow feeling is? A desire for that connection. To have “my person.” To know, without any type of hesitation, that there will be someone by my side, no matter where life may take us. To have someone choose me in a way I’ve never been chosen before.

You know what’s interesting? I know now that I’m enough. I love myself deeply. I understand exactly who I am and what value I bring to relationships.

I just want someone else to see my value and understand that their life would never be the same without me in it.

Now that would be the gift of all gifts, I think. Because you know what that is? Unconditional love. And that was what I was robbed of the second my ex decided to cheat. His love was conditional, and therefore, empty.

Which has left a piece of me empty.

Now that all my shattered bits have been meticulously pieced back together, the gap that has been left behind is more apparent than ever. I surely do not need anyone outside of my community of friends and family. They fill virtually every bit of my being with love. There’s just one void.

And I’m ready for it to be filled.

So, now I understand how I feel. Christmastime represents love. Joy. Family time. I’m lucky enough to have family and friends. To have my daughter. To have a house that will be filled with love and laughter again tomorrow. And I am ever so grateful for all the things I have. My heart is full. Mostly. But I feel the loss that accompanies the love this year. It almost feels like a spotlight is shining straight into the hole. The awareness of that missing piece highlights the gloom in the sky, overshadowing the silver lining.

So now that it is after 3 in the morning (3:55, to be exact), with awareness and intentionality, I will move the spotlight away from that void. And shine my light on the love that does exist, in abundance, all around me.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May you focus on the beauty and richness that fills your life everyday, but especially today. Love is a gift. Time with those that love us is invaluable. Enjoy this new, precious day, and fill it with radiant, thoughtful, and unconditional love. Even to those, no, especially to those, that have hurt you. Because they probably need it the most today.

life, love

What is to Come?

A Graceful Catastrophe

I fell in love.

Yep. There it is.

I’ve been open and honest about the vast array of complicated emotions that have filled my life over the last 9 months and for some reason, sharing the negativity in my life wasn’t ever that difficult for me to do. We all have our own challenging journeys we have to navigate around and throughout these months, I have always known someone who was trying to trudge through much deeper and smellier shit than I was. So, somehow, it was just natural for me to write about mine. It’s always been cathartic.

This blog, though, is different. And the same. I will still be vulnerable and raw – I’ll just be telling a different type of story.

You see, this one is about love.

When everything exploded in my world, I stopped believing in romantic love. How could someone with two failed marriages possibly believe that true love exists? The answer is simple – she couldn’t.

I told my girlfriends that I’d never love again. Fairy tales aren’t real. Love like that surely doesn’t exist. I’ll never be swept off my feet by some Prince Charming. My heart was hardened. I didn’t want to feel love again. Because then, I’d inevitably have to feel that excruciating pain again. And I sure as shit never wanted to shatter again. There’s only so many times you can break before it’s a lost cause.

Or so I thought.

But in the end, I was wrong.

Because I did fall in love. And yet, I didn’t experience excruciating pain when it ended. And I surely didn’t shatter.

And yes, those of you who follow me and read these blogs, you know I fell in love with myself while in Greece.

But I’m talking about before that.

I’ve written from my heart – and with my heart – since I started this writing journey. I’ve been raw, honest, and vulnerable.

But, for some reason, writing about love is so much harder for me. Perhaps it’s because it’s the purest of emotions? Perhaps it’s because it hasn’t even been a year since finding out about my ex’s infidelity? Perhaps it’s because I hear so many people tell me that I can’t, shouldn’t, they wouldn’t…the list goes on. *sigh*

Yet, here I am, my heart racing with nerves as I write this, because love is probably the most intense topic I’ve written about to date. For me, it really is the hardest.

So, thank you. Thank you for reading, for supporting, for commenting, and encouraging, because I’m finally ready to write about love.

I gave my heart to a truly a wonderful man. A man who also happened to be completely emotionally unavailable for me. It was always going to be a dead-end relationship. Dead-end for many reasons.

But…you know what I realized this morning when I woke up?

I fell in love with this guy before I fell in love with myself.

That doesn’t work. It just doesn’t.

You can’t expect someone else to fill your bucket when it’s riddled with holes. I had that epiphany while in Greece and immediately went to work, patching up my holes.

And when I came back from Greece, my path had cleared. He’d fallen for someone else while I was away. It was always going to end and the timing felt right. I’d felt him pulling away for at least the last month we were “together,” so I knew it was coming.

And you know what? I’m happy for him. That’s how I know it was really love that I felt for him. His happiness, his ability to pursue his dreams and settle into the life he’d always imagined, that’s all more important than my momentary sadness at it ending. And since we’re both mature adults, we ended on excellent terms.

Plus…I had this, umm, I don’t even know what to call it other than a magical experience at Byzantino. This is the jewelry store I referenced in my blog: Today is Thursday and where I bought my ring made of old watch parts.

So, quick summary in case you missed that one… While I was in Greece, I went to a super special jewelry store. The women there were beautiful beings, filled with love that they projected onto me. We spent a fair amount of time chatting with one another and I shared my story with them. This was my last day in Greece and I had already undergone an incredible transformation. While we were chatting, one of the women told me things that she saw for my future. My daughter’s, as well. The energy in that little store was so intense while she was speaking and you could literally feel the power behind every word she spoke. It was a moment that has become etched into my very soul.

After purchasing my things, and before I walked out of the store, this same woman approached me with a gift. It was a glass blown heart pendant. As the other woman that worked there was placing it around my neck, she looked me straight in the eyes and began to speak to me about love. She told me that I was going to be blessed with love greater than I had ever experienced before, love that I barely could imagine exists, love that I had ceased to believe was real.

As she spoke these words, I felt my hair go up and had chills all over my body. It was an incredibly intense moment for me where…can you guess what happened? Of course. I cried. It was so intense for me because, with every cell in my being, I believed her. And I knew she wasn’t talking about anyone that was currently in my life.

Somebody else was out there for me. Hoping to feel love like he’d never been loved before. Looking up at the same stars and wishing for the same things as me. A fellow hopeless romantic who would yearn to understand me – all of me. Somebody who would want to hear my stories, feel my history, and use that to understand why I am who I am today. And, more importantly, (now here’s the kicker…) somebody who will choose to make time in his life for me.

My ex didn’t. He couldn’t put his phone down and couldn’t even pretend to care about anything I had to say. And the guy I was seeing, well, in his defense, his career is intense. He rarely has his phone on him during the day. Even so, there were ways he could’ve shown me that I was valued, had he chosen to try, rather than be satisfied having me as a mere convenience in his life. But he chose not to try.

And because of who I was then, because of the lack of love I had for myself, I allowed that type of treatment. I’ve said it before: how could I expect another to value me more than I valued myself?

But in Greece, I shifted. My path shifted. My whole universe shifted, guys! I felt it. Literally. Physically. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling, but people have told me, since coming home, that I look different. And I feel it. My whole aura is bright and light. So, yeah, there’s somebody out there who will match so perfectly with that, that when our paths align, I wouldn’t have to guess my importance in his life. Or hope for it. It’d just be. Effortless. But in the best of ways.

In that moment, in Athens, as I walked out of that jewelry store, my whole world was this new, magical place to live. As I left the little store that was the final piece to my soul’s puzzle, smiling and practically floating along, I fully opened my soul to the universe. My energy was changed. My heart was fully opened. I had learned in the previous month or two that I was capable of loving another. That was a pleasant surprise. I also had learned what made me feel uncomfortable in a relationship. What bags I could help carry and what ones I’d let the other unpack before deciding to join him on his journey. For weeks, I had been thinking I should let the guy go that I was seeing…and then he let me go.

“Trust the journey.” That’s what I kept telling myself in those early days. Over and over. I came home from Greece 3 weeks ago yesterday and, boy, did I struggle with getting my mindset right. It was a fight to be present – I didn’t want to be here. I wanted, desperately, to be back in Greece. So, one night, when I was feeling particularly melancholy, I wrote my photographer friend on Instagram – the one I’d just spent 6 days with in Greece. We’d talked a lot, both before my trip and also so much during my trip. He knew me well by this point and was quite familiar with my story. Here’s a bit of our conversation:

Me: B, I just want to experience all of Earth’s beauty. Greece opened my eyes to so much… And when I say “Greece” opened my eyes, a great deal of that was you. You are such a caring person. Genuine. I want someone in my life who cares like you do. And, man, did we laugh so easily! I want that, too. You set a bar, for a future relationship of how I want to be treated. You opened my eyes to so much more than photography. I’m really grateful for you, for the whole trip, for all the laughter…for everything.
B: No! This is normal. If you respect yourself, you respect others in the same way and I’m pretty sure that you’ll find someone who will care about you… I mean, for real this time. Believe it or not, everyone takes what he/she deserves to have in this life. It’s up to you to live the life that you want. Nothing beats a strong mindset. Everything else is just the result of this.

He repeated exactly what I’d been telling myself. Someone is only going to value, love, respect, (you fill in the blank) me as much as I do myself. I’ll get exactly what I think I deserve and nothing more. I know this now. And I know me now. And I love me! And I just know that somebody is going to see this light that I’m projecting like it’s a damn lighthouse and want to see what it’s all about.

The lady in the jewelry store was absolutely right. I will be loved again. And it’s going to feel out of this world incredible. And I know I deserve that. Because not only am I in a space that is open to being emotionally vulnerable, I also respect and value myself in such a beautiful way now. I’m comfortable being alone. Actually, I rather enjoy it. And I can find comfort in being uncomfortable. And the best feeling? I no longer rely on any outsider to define my worth. I define it.

So, when my path aligns with another, it will be as a sweet addition to my life, not a necessary one. I’ve never been in a position where I’ve felt that to be true. Goodness, it feels amazing.

It’s all quite delightful…this journey I am on. My path has never been clearer. I’ve never felt lighter or more sure of who I am. There’s 15 more days until my birthday and 16 until the last day of this decade. I’m ready to close it down and happily bid it farewell. A lot of incredible things happened in this decade. I’m quite honestly grateful for it all. Even March 17th, 2019. Maybe even especially March 17th, 2019.

And I’m so hopeful for what is to come.

life, love

Eyes Wide Open

A Graceful Catastrophe

Since I’ve come home from Greece, I have felt unsettled. Apathetic. No desire to be here. Last night, a shift occurred. I’m starting to get my mindset right again. It started in the afternoon, when I had an appointment to get my lashes refilled by my dear friend (self-care people, it’s a thing!). She’s fallen off the exercise wagon and wants to get back on it. I’ve been eating (and drinking) my feelings for a solid 2 weeks and am up more pounds than I’d like to admit. We made a plan to be one another’s accountability partners. So, now I have to care. I am her support system.

That’s one.

My business brings me so much true joy. I worked 7 days in a row this week – and enjoyed every second. I adore the families I work for and am grateful I get to spend my days laughing with my kids. “My kids.” Because my students all become “my kids.” I genuinely love them. And my families. They become my family. And I become theirs. I’m their advocates both in school and at home. I want to protect them and push them and see them flourish. And my heart swells with pride when they succeed. I’ve never had more satisfaction earning an income than I do now. It’s wonderful. I want to care. I am their support system.

That’s two.

Over the weekend, my daughter and I went to the movies. We saw Frozen 2. The amount of tears I shed during that movie should’ve left me dehydrated. Guys, those songs!! They were written for me. It’s like the writers lived inside my head. I swear it. Just read some of these lyrics:

  • “…deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? Every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow. Don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go… Into the unknown?”
  • “I don’t know anymore what is true, I can’t find my direction… Just do the next right thing. Take a step, step again. It is all that I can do to do…the next right thing.” 
  • “So I’ll walk through this night. Stumbling blindly toward the light. And do the next right thing.”
  • “I won’t look too far ahead. It’s too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath. This next step. This next choice is the one that I can make.”

Aren’t those lyrics just everything?

So, yeah. I cried. The. Whole. Movie. And my girl? Goodness, nobody understands how to love me better than her.

She just gets me! She’d look over at me every now and then, and notice the tears silently streaming down my face. Every single time, she just kissed my cheek, held me tighter, and rubbed my arm. She said nothing. Just gave a quick kiss, then went back to the movie, while holding me tight and always rubbing my arm. Once, she offered me a new napkin because mine was destroyed. She noticed. Another time, she offered me popcorn. Because…well, food. But she never made it a big deal. Just kissed my cheek and turned back to the movie.

Afterwards, she didn’t ask any questions. She just loved me. In her own way. Which happens to be my way, too. She is literally the best, most insightful human. And she’s 9. (I remember asking my ex once, “How does our daughter understand how to love me and you don’t?” I think she was 7 at the time… Oh, hindsight, you devil, you.) I care about her more than anything else in the world. I am her support system – and she is mine.

That’s three.

And guys, there are so many more reasons to get my mindset right. To spend my moments intentionally. To enjoy this life that I am living right now and in this space.

Maintaining a consistently focused and intentional mindset is challenging. Even exhausting, at times. It takes commitment, and then re-commitment. I haven’t been in a healthy place since I came back from Greece. My time there was incredibly powerful. It fundamentally changed me in so many ways. I became re-energized and filled with a radiance I hadn’t felt…well, perhaps ever.

And then I came home.

Where life just all of a sudden felt so unimpressive. After the soul-searching journey and re-awakening that had just taken place, I came home to feeling like everything was just a little “less.” I wanted, no – desired – with every cell of my being, to feel what I had in Greece. It was everything. It was magical. It was surreal. And yet, it was ever so incredibly real.

So, yeah, my mindset sucked. I still felt vibrant and more whole and filled with love (self-love, that is) than ever, but I was feeling so unfulfilled. I didn’t feel like this was enough anymore. I had this strangely overwhelming need to leave. After experiencing the significant transformation in Greece, I became wholly dissatisfied with this life.

It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t magical. Or surreal.

But only because I’d decided it wasn’t any of those things.

This world we live in is painted by our thoughts. So, if my thoughts are constantly telling me that this isn’t enough. That I want more. That more is out there…then what kind of world am I living in now???

Well, for a while, one where I was eating all my feelings and drinking every night. Disappointed with the world before me.

Until last night.

When I remembered that’s not who I am. Not anymore, at least. Emotions guide me, sure. But they don’t control me. And yet, I let them.

And then I made the decision to grow up. This is my life. I am here. And it is truly a wonderful life. So, I made the conscious decision to embrace everything that is in front of me, rather than pine away over what I couldn’t have.

So now, here, I honor my emotions. And I release them. And I remind myself that the journey is beautiful.

I’m a dreamer. I want to look ahead and turn my dreams into plans. And at the same time, I’ve never been more certain that those plans just don’t matter. Everything can change in the span of a breath.

And it does. It will. Time and time again. That’s part of the journey. But just like sweet Olaf said in the movie, there is one constant. One thing never changes. And that is love.

Loving another, being filled with real emotions, being vulnerable with another…that is living authentically. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Does it hurt when it ends? Yep. Of course. But feeling the depths of those beautiful emotions is never a waste of time. I’d do it all over again. I will do it all over again.

There’s something so graceful in living – and loving – uninhibited and feeling every single emotion that washes over you. There is beauty in pain. Because you get the opportunity to grow. And really, isn’t that just wonderful? I want to keep growing and changing and absorbing everything I can to make myself a better human every single day. And you can’t grow without being challenged.

So, bring it on, world. Challenge me. Hurt me, even. Because then, and only then, I grow stronger. My fire flames brighter. I become more colorful. And so does the world around me.

After my workout this morning, one of my friends from the gym asked me how I handled the grief after finding out what my ex had done. Did I eat and gain a ton of weight? With him, I didn’t. Because I just didn’t eat. I couldn’t. I was physically ill for a long time and couldn’t even look at food. With another “breakup” of sorts, though, all I’ve done is eat.

How we handle our grief varies not only from person to person, but from our own personal experiences, too. How we handle one transition may be completely different than how we handle another. No grief ever feels the same. How our hearts handle each ending is unique.

But no matter how we choose to handle it, it’s the right way. I told my friend to allow herself some grace. It’s so soon that every way she’s choosing to react is appropriate. The fact, though, that she’s beginning to question how she’s reacting means that she’s perhaps ready to change how she’s handling her grief.

It’s all fluid. How I was handling my sadness since arriving back stateside has shifted. Because I was ready for it to shift. I had my good, cathartic cry at Frozen 2, several great conversations with some girlfriends, focused in on the good of my world, and then found the ability to shift my mindset. I needed to re-frame my reality. And so I did. It took me 2 weeks to get there, but when I was ready, I shifted. I felt it internally. And I couldn’t have forced it. I had to ride that wave out until I finally landed in calmer waters.

They’re there, you know. The calm. Sometimes you have to weather an incredible storm, or a short torrential downpour, but when you’re ready to look up and through the gray, the break in the storm is just ahead of you.

You just have to be ready – and willing – to see it.

It’s beautiful. The world each of us lives in. It’s fulfilling. And exciting. And full of adventures. And love.

It’s all there. Right in front of each one of us… That is, once we decide to open our eyes to it and shift our perspectives to see the abundance.

So here I am. Again. Re-set. And enjoying the view. With eyes wide open.

And I hope you are, too.

life

263 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

Perhaps it’s because it’s the end of the year. Or because it’s my birthday month and I’ll be entering the last year of my 30’s in 25 days. Or because I’ve experienced some “endings” recently. But I’ve been feeling a strong sense of “the end.” I’ve thought a lot about my own mortality. Like, a lot. I’m more aware than ever that things just end. And they can change “in the blink of an eye,” as the saying goes.

I feel anxious and unsettled. I no longer feel as though I belong here. Not here in this world, but here as in physically here, right now, in this house, in this town…in this country, even. Don’t get me wrong. I’m quite happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Now I just realize that there’s so much more! And I question, what am I even doing now? Why am I satisfied with this?

Well, as it turns out, I’m not.

It’s an interesting space to be in…to both want to make goals for my future and simultaneously understand that everything could change in the space of time it takes to receive and open an email. How do I make plans for when my daughter graduates in 7.5 years while also remembering that any plan I had on March 17, 2019 at 6:07 pm was annihilated by 6:08 pm?

I’m a dreamer. I always have been. And I have big dreams. No. Plans. I have these great plans in my head that I will make come to fruition. I suppose flexibility is key. Understanding that the only constant is change, so I’ll have to roll with the punches as life continues to move forward, bringing all the joys and catastrophes that it has a way of springing upon us.

What I’m realizing now, more than ever, is that I have to be careful. And intentional. The only way, I think, for me to get around this feeling of being unsettled, of feeling so lost, really, is to actively work towards achieving my goals. My goals, which I’ve rather ignored lately because, you know, life…they ground me. Goals firmly root me to the present while, at the very same time, give me hope for the future.

Which is so important. Because without hope, without some enticing and beautiful vision for the future, life becomes ever so much more challenging. At least, I feel that way. While I know that all the plans and goals I have today may change, I would be lost without them. They’re like a light that shines on my path, giving me a direction to follow. And because I know my path isn’t a straight line, I need that light to guide me.

With focus and intention, I keep taking one step after another, following my path wherever it may lead.

I have to trust the journey.

My eyes are wide open now. I’m seeing with more clarity than ever before. And I want to give this gift to my daughter, as well. The world is vast and magnificent. The adventures – limitless. We are so much more than what we think we know!

I used to say that Colorado was my forever home. I wanted to settle here and never leave. Now, I can’t imagine only knowing this state’s beauty for the rest of my years. My heart is calling me elsewhere. Currently, I left a piece of it in Greece. With future travels, I may leave pieces of my heart in other far-away lands, left as breadcrumbs to lead me back someday.

I can only hope that’s true.

When I got back from Greece, with my eyes shining from all the self-truths uncovered, my soul bursting with radiant joy, I was chatting with a couple girlfriends. One of them turned and said to me, “You are so much bigger than Colorado Springs.”

It touched my heart deeply when she said that. And that sentence has been tossed around inside my head since the second she said it.

We all are so much bigger than what we have in front of us…than what we think we are capable of…than what we assume we know.

We just have to act on it. Take giant leaps of faith. Charge through this life, with confidence, authenticity, and vulnerability, open to whatever stumbles upon our path and ready to unquestionably go forth in a certain direction, when we may find that fork in our road.

My journey over the last 263 days has been incredible. The growth? Immeasurable. The epiphanies? Monumental and truly life-changing.

But I think it’s because, at some point, I stopped fighting against it. I began to trust my journey and became open to everything, seeing obstacles as opportunities and embracing the challenges, rather than fighting against them and complaining about them. At some point, through conversations with others and intense self-reflection, I stopped being the victim of my circumstances and began to take charge of this new life and everything it has to offer.

Because, goodness, is it ever abundant.

I am filled with more sincere joy and love than ever in my life. I am more open to possibility and adventure. I am more vulnerable and authentic. My light shines brighter now than it ever has before. My world is more colorful and vibrant. I feel filled, deep down to my core, with overwhelming gratitude, peace, and clarity.

Seven and a half years will surely go by in a blink. My future awaits me. But, in order to reach it, there is much to do in quite little time. My goals are significant and will take considerable time and effort. And failure. Which only means opportunities for more growth.

It’s all part of the journey that I am now so eager to embrace.

When I first started writing this morning, I was in a bit of a melancholy mood. Viewing the “endings” that have recently come to light with a certain level of sadness. But it’s all about how we frame it, isn’t it?

My history, as broken as it is, fills me with gratitude. For it is because of my journey thus far that has made me more whole than I have ever been.

So, for today at least, I am taking full advantage of this winding path that I’ve been on and where it has lead me, honoring the grand voyage that is this life, and choosing the lenses with which to see it all.

And in case you’re wondering, those lenses are rosy colored. For me, they almost always have been and with positive intention, I’m sure they always will be.

This journey is bright and beautiful and twisty and filled with bumps and hardships and difficulties. There are endings and failures and opportunities and hope. Ultimately, it’s filled with purpose and intention and we take from it exactly what we want to, growing only as long as we’re willing to surrender to true vulnerability and face our fears head on.

There’s far more beauty in the last 263 days than I ever could’ve imagined. From once feeling completely shattered to now brimming with a sense of direction and wholeness I never could’ve imagined for myself.

I now know, without question, that there is more for me beyond what I thought I always knew. With every ending is a new beginning.

So, bring on the new year. And this last year of my 30’s. Because now, I can’t wait to see how it all begins.

life, love

Today is Thursday

A Graceful Catastrophe

Today I will eat a Greek salad. And perhaps a couple eggs… My biggest decision will be whether I scramble them or cook them over easy. And I’ll definitely drink some wine and Sprite. I made sure to buy two bottles of white wine to make sure I’d have enough to drink during lunch and dinner. And again at 3:34 because, I mean, why not? *shrug*

And I’ll spend the day, hopefully mostly content, solo, and editing my favorite pictures from Greece.

It should be a good Thursday.

I’ve been filled with gratitude since the moment I left for Greece and this full heart feeling hasn’t lessened even a little bit in the last 14 days. I don’t expect to need a day to show my gratitude. Not this year. Recently, I’ve been hyper-aware of all that I have in my life. Because everything I had changed just over 8 months ago. So, I’ve been given the beautiful gift of perspective. And with this perspective, intense gratitude for what I do have.

So, today is Thursday. A day to spend in more quiet reflection. Showing gratitude for my world as it is today. Aaaaaaaannnddd (I just can’t stop, Billy…) eating a delicious Greek salad, as a way to pay homage to what I am most grateful for today. My solo trip, the time spent in Greece, was life altering. If you knew me 10 months ago, and you still know me today, you’ll understand the intensity of my gratitude for what occurred last week.

It’s mind blowing, really. How that short period of time changed everything for me.

Time…it’s a funny thing.

  • Only time will tell.
  • Time heals all wounds.
  • In the nick of time.
  • Lost track of time.
  • Lasted an eternity.
  • Just a matter of time.
  • A waste of time.
  • Time flies.
  • The time of my life.
  • “Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” – Theophrastus

You get the point.

We have all these phrases and quotes about time, how we abuse it, how it heals, how all will be understood…in time.

Eight and a half months ago feels like an eternity. For me, it was quite literally a lifetime ago. I was married, though unhappily, and going to family dinner parties, doing couple-y things, and feeling lonelier than ever despite having a “partner” by my side.

Today, I am comfortable alone, confident in who I am. I have huge goals and even bigger plans. I am finally living this life for me.

Don’t get that last line wrong. It’s not selfish, though it sounds that way. The way I am choosing to spend my time today is giving my daughter a wonderful example of being adventurous while also living a disciplined life. She sees me making exercising a priority, she knows I write (and now we even sometimes write together, her, in awe of my fast clicking, as I type sentence after sentence, turning paragraphs into pages), and she is proud of me for facing my fears and traveling alone. She used to have so much fear and now she asks me if she may study abroad in middle school.

Everything I have ever done since I found out I was pregnant was with her in mind. For a while after I found out about my ex’s infidelity and the extent of the betrayal, I was simply in survival mode, and really thought about nothing other than how in the world I was going to take my next breath.

Now, though, enough time has passed. My heart has healed. As it turns out, my time in Greece was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to finally be at peace.

Before March of this year, the longest I was single since I was 17 (21 years ago!), was for about 4 months. I had been in a committed relationship for my entire adult life. Not only that, I’d been committed to two men who stifled my vivacity, my sparkle…even my sense of humor.

Guys, I never thought I was funny. I wasn’t the funny one.

In the last 4 or 5 months, do you know how many times I’ve made people laugh? Do you know how many times people have told me that I’m funny?! I don’t think there’s a better compliment for me. Well, right now, at least. My ex is the funny one. No, was the funny one. He’s loud and the center of any party. By his side, I was dull. I had no personality – unless I drank. I had to have alcoholic beverages simply to be comfortable in group settings when I was with him. Now, alone and away from him, and for so many reasons, I sparkle.

Ahh, guys! I am funny! (Sometimes it just hits me… This is really me. *laughing*)

This was a part of my personality that I didn’t even know existed. Seriously. And it’s now a pretty significant part of who I am, I think. I make people laugh. Do you know how good that feels? Only this time that I’ve had to myself was able to bring that out of me. There is so much to who I am today that didn’t exist 9 months ago.

Without this journey, my true self would’ve never been actualized. I would still be living day to day thinking I had no sense of humor or needing to have a drink in order to feel comfortable in my own skin. Ugh, how terribly sad is that?!

I’ve been single for 256 days now.

And I’ve finally reached a point where it feels so good to be “unattached.” My ex and I were texting yesterday, and he asked if I could take our daughter on his weekend so he could go on a couple dates. Well, I haven’t seen her in about a million years, so of course! And, I told him I’d take her any weekend of his that he wanted because I’m not dating and have no desire to anytime soon.

His response? “Well, you can’t live like that.”

Umm, yes I can! *laughing*

Is it our culture that creates this false narrative? We have to be in a relationship in order to be happy? Today, in this moment, I am happier than I have been in years. Perhaps even, in the entirety of my adulthood. And I’m single. Who would’ve thought I would ever be happy without having to rely on somebody else to validate me?? My whole world just feels like it blew wide open again. But this time, in such a good way.

I have goals to achieve. Huge goals. And a pretty strict timeline to hit them in. I don’t have the time to be with somebody, really. Especially one that doesn’t add value to my life and help me grow, pushing me to actualize all my potential. New relationships are hard. And they take time and effort to develop properly.

Time…it’s precious.

And I just found out who I am! I want to sit in this space and relish that for a moment. Happily alone.

But…I’m not really alone. I’m surrounded by the most wonderful community. I may be single, but I have never felt less alone. During my marriage…oof. That loneliness was the worst. I’d rather be single and have moments of loneliness than be in a “partnership” and feel lonely with someone who is right there by my side.

Which brings me to today. Thursday. Okay, it’s not just a normal Thursday. It’s Thanksgiving day. And I’m alone. But I’m not lonely.

I had many invitations to be with my friends. My community. Yet, I’m choosing to be in the quiet space of my house, appreciating the fact that I am alone.

I used to feel so uncomfortable being by myself. It was lonely. I needed the attention from others to make me feel like I was worthy of taking up space in this world.

My word, I was someone else entirely and it literally makes me sit here and shake my head to reflect on who I was compared to who I am.

Today, I am strong, capable, and enough. I am quite content in my own solitude. I don’t need to be around anyone else to feel happy.

Time gave me this gift.

Well, time, coupled with intensive counseling sessions with the most incredible therapist, a community of strong women and men who’ve always been there to lift me up, and traveling alone was the icing on the cake. I came back refreshed and re-energized.

I came back me.

Time itself is truly a gift. While in Greece, I stopped in this jewelry shop. I had read in a travel blog that this was the place to go and buy your jewelry. So, I navigated to it and when I walked in, there were only women working there. Strong, beautiful women. One of the women came up to me and started chatting with me about the different pieces of jewelry. When we came to the display case with rings that used watch mechanisms as the central focus, I knew immediately that was the piece I had to have.

My time in Greece was transformative. And this was my last day, my last 12 hours left in that beautiful country. I knew when I saw it, the symbolism was far too great to walk away from. A piece of jewelry made of time to represent this time of my life that had become so precious to me. The piece I ended up choosing happened to be this wonderful woman’s favorite ring, but, for whatever reason, it didn’t work for her. But it worked for me. *smile* When I told her that was the one I wanted, she was so happy for me and immediately gave me the best hug. That ring was waiting for me. That jewelry store was also. I was meant to meet those women.

And here’s the funny thing. This wasn’t the store from the travel blog. I had to leave the store for some hours and return again for my darling ring. As I was navigating back to the store from my hotel, I ended up at a different jewelry store by the same name. As I walked up to that shop, a man was sitting inside, and everything was different. I simply stopped in front of it, rather confused, and said aloud, “Oh.”

I was so startled there were two distinct shops by the same name.

I found my bearings and walked the 10 or so minutes to my jewelry shop, the one with the strong women I’d connected with, the one with my ring, that symbolized so much for me. I strongly believe in energy and the universe took me to that jewelry shop instead of the one I’d initially intended on going to. I said it before…I was meant to meet those women.

They became a significant part of my journey. Their time was a gift for me. Their powerful presence and enlightening and positive conversation, it all filled my soul. I will carry these women in my heart and can’t wait to take my daughter back to meet them.

Strong women have been my guiding force since last March. I know now that I can live this life without a man by my side. But I could never spend my time without my community of dynamic and amazing women.

So, on this Thanksgiving day, which happens to simply be Thursday for me, I am writing this with a heart that’s been overwhelmed with gratitude since last week. I don’t need a day to remind me to focus on all the things I’m thankful for this year. Some years past, this time was a necessary reminder to slow down and give thanks. But this year? My heart has been full since November 15 and steadily stretching until now, when I think it just may burst.

Without this time, every single minute of these last 256 days, and all the ways I’ve chosen to spend them, I would not be exactly who I am today.

And so, today more than ever, I am grateful for the luxurious gift that is time and for the influential and beautiful community of women in my life. You are my tribe and no amount of time or space could ever separate us. You’ve proven that.

From feeling like nothing to knowing that I’m everything, from wanting to be out of the country on this significant holiday to being quite content with only my pups by side, this Thursday is going to be a great one.

I hope your heart is filled today, also, no matter where you are or what today means to you. After all, it’s only Thursday.