Tag: love

life, love

Darling

A Graceful Catastrophe

So I have this friend and whenever we have a few drinks, we get all sorts of deep and philosophical. Now, I fully enjoy having deep conversations and crave that kind of mental exercise, but the couple times we’ve talked, my mind typically gets blown. And I don’t like it. Because some honest truths come out and it makes me stop and think and analyze and then over analyze not only my life, but my thoughts, too.

So, earlier this week we had one of those deep conversations. He started talking about the psychology of dating and how both men and women play games in those early stages, sometimes without even realizing that they’re doing it. This behavior, apparently, is so ingrained in our very make up that we sometimes do it subconsciously.

I was in complete denial. I’m honest. I don’t play games.

Well, not intentionally, anyway.

But then he gave very specific examples of exactly when I fell victim to the game and when I played it myself.

*facepalm*

And then, things really got real.

Being cheated on has obviously messed with me – significantly. My heart will never be the same, but honestly, I’m okay with that now. I’ve come to the realization that I can never be hurt like this again. Nothing will ever hurt as badly as having my daughter’s father cheat on me for almost a year and then repeatedly berate me for being an awful wife and blame me for his behavior. So, now I can welcome the vulnerability necessary to allow love back into my life. I know I’ll get hurt again. To me, that is an inevitable byproduct, the collateral damage, of living with an open heart. I just now know that I will recover from that pain. Because, little by little, and day by day, I’m recovering from this agony that is my current reality.

But the part of me that sucks now, and that will take goodness knows how long to heal and come back from, is the part of not feeling like I am enough.

I wasn’t enough for him.

And I feel that to my very core.

So, my friend knows this and called me out. He said that I’m going to pursue relationships where I’m getting attention and validation, rather than ones where I have genuine and solid connections.

I tried to argue with him and say that wasn’t so at all and that I’m the type of person that cares more about a real connection.

And then, later that night, as I was trying to fall asleep, that portion of the conversation entered my mind, which caused me to stop and really think about it.

I’m pretty sure I smacked my forehead.

It was absolutely true. I’ve been seeking attention, not connection.

Oof.

That’s even hard to write. That’s a gross truth. Right there. In black and white.

He was right. That’s almost as painful to write. Luckily for me, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read these blogs, so he won’t ever know I said he was right. *smirk*

So, you must know my favorite quote by now, right? I’m sure I’ve quoted her several times over the last few months. “When you know better, you do better.” Thank you, Ms. Maya Angelou.

All it took was for someone to call me “darling” or let me know that I was on his mind, and I was smitten.

With my ex, I wasn’t enough for pet names anymore. I wasn’t enough for the phone to be put down during conversations or eye contact to be made. I wasn’t enough to be randomly thought of. I wasn’t enough.

So, for the majority of the last 3.5 months, I have actively been seeking the feeling of being enough through attention and eating it up when I was receiving it.

And here’s my epiphany: it is nobody else’s job to put a value on my worth. I value my worth.

And I’ve now decided I am enough. Because I’m allowed to decide that. (Holy smokes, let the healing begin!!) He didn’t cheat because I wasn’t enough. He betrayed me over and over again because of his own reasons that I’ll probably never understand.

When you know better, you do better. I now know better and I know I don’t need external validation to feel whole. I’m a pretty damn, amazing badass woman. And I’m definitely more than enough for anyone that is lucky enough to be in any type of relationship with me. *wink*

In all seriousness, it’s finally hit me – I know I am enough. I also know that I am human and my relationship skills lack at times. And that’s where, if the relationship is valued, open and honest dialogue needs to occur and swift action should then take place.

But I surely am going to consciously work on the habit of relying on any outside person to make me feel valued.

Because here’s the kicker to all of this…if I am in a relationship – of any sort – to get validation and attention, then I’m in that relationship for all the wrong reasons. At the core of it, I am merely using the other person in order to feel worthy.

It makes me want to vomit even admitting that. Gross.

How did I never see this? It’s been so long since I have felt worthy or enough or valuable or any of those things! And this whole time, I’ve had the power to change those feelings. I’m the one, ultimately, that decides my worth.

So, as hard as that conversation was to process later that night, it’s given me incredible insight. Will I still swoon when someone calls me “darling?”

But, of course!

Will I sacrifice my non-negotiables, like I have countless times in my past, just because I am getting attention?

I’d love to say, “No, of course I won’t sacrifice my foundational necessities because he texted good morning and called me a cute pet name.” But, old habits die hard.

Which means I have to be hyper aware of this behavior. Because when you know better, you’d darn well better do better.

I’m not looking to jump into any romantic relationship or anything, but this “aha moment” has brought a level of awareness and insight that I’ve never had. This bit of info alone is a game changer for me.

In the past, when I’ve received attention, it made me feel valued. When I felt valued, I felt a connection. And that is incredibly misleading! That connection could be based on nothing more than superficial kindness and then the next thing you know, I’m trying to fit another square peg into a round hole.

That is simply so unnecessary.

And so, awareness is key. Thanks to my buddy, I have that now. I know that, historically speaking, I’ve looked for others to give me that sense of being enough and it’s caused me to chase the wrong types of relationships.

I want a strong, meaningful connection with someone that elevates me to constantly want to be a better person, to be my biggest cheerleader, my workout partner, and the person I can connect with on a deeper level than just the one who gives me superficial kindness and attention.

I know what I want and I’m going to fight those old habits of being smitten by the first person who calls me darling.

I want more. And I deserve it.

Because I now know that I am enough.

life, love

Exit 147

A Graceful Catastrophe

Exit 147. Race Rd.

This particular exit has represented a nightmare for almost 21 years. Every single time I’ve driven past it, I get a physical reaction – my heart races, my palms get sweaty, and I have to distract myself so that I don’t really look at it.

Well, that was before this past Sunday. On Sunday, this was the exit we had to take to my sprint triathlon. There was no more avoiding it, after almost 21 years of successfully doing so. After almost 21 years of never taking that exit.

And just like that, there was nothing I could do, it was time to face it.

Let’s rewind for just a minute. It’s December, 2007. A prominent light bulb in my house was out and my husband at the time (this was husband #1) had just left, like, a day or two before and was going to be out of town for the next two weeks. I needed this light bulb. I begged him, with real tears and real fear, to come back and change it…because I had deemed myself incapable. I was incapable of that and so much more.

He couldn’t come back – of course! So, after a few days, I finally went out to the garage, grabbed the ladder, then found the extra light bulbs, climbed to the top of the ladder, unscrewed the old bulb, and put in the new one. And then lost my ever loving mind. In a good way.

It took me just about a full 10 years to move past the trauma that occurred off Exit 147. And all it took was me changing a light bulb. Seriously. The light literally turned on and it figuratively filled my soul, finally releasing the darkness that had suppressed me for so long. I cried, at the top of that ladder, broken light bulb in hand.

My life turned a sharp corner after that. Switching out that one light bulb was monumental.

Such a small act, with such a significant impact. It was truly life changing. And I was blindsided by it.

You never know when something seemingly insignificant rocks the boat so severely that you wash ashore a changed person.

So, now here we are, back to June 23, 2019. Taking that same exit to my tri that I’d successfully avoided for over 2 decades, driving down that same road…such a small and ordinary act, right?

But now, I get to redefine what that exit means to me. It now symbolizes strength, empowerment, conquering of fears…and the best one – delight.

I am strong.

I will rise up.

I have overcome significant trauma before. I have woken up from a nightmare before, stronger, wiser, and happier. I can, and will, again.

Mindset is absolutely everything. I am allowed to define and redefine what certain things symbolize. I am allowed to define and redefine who I am. I am allowed to change and ride the wave and see just where it takes me. I give myself permission for all of that.

Nothing feels insignificant to me right now. The universe feels as though it’s beckoning me into its depths. I feel energized, the spark igniting every cell of my being. It’s begging me to listen, showing me signs everywhere.

Like Exit 147.

I am not who I once was. I am not who I was 4 weeks ago. I feel as though I am so fluid right now, becoming a new me, making leaps and changes with every new sign shown to me.

I’m grateful my eyes are open. I’m even more thankful that my heart is, too.

On May 27th, I wrote a blog that was filled with bitterness and lacked hope. I never wanted to be vulnerable again. I didn’t want another man to have the opportunity to throw me away again. I didn’t want to ever love again – I didn’t think it was worth it.

Guys, I am 38 years old and today, I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I can’t be that hardened and jaded and bitter and angry. I won’t let such toxicity flourish within.

So, just as I can redefine Exit 147, I can redefine who I am, what I want, and what I’ll allow my heart to feel.

I want to feel loved again. Which means I have to allow myself to be vulnerable. While that evokes so much terror that it is almost crippling, I understand that, in order to live a fulfilled life, I have to be vulnerable. But perhaps, vulnerable with a grain of salt. It’s much more palatable that way. *wink*

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last 100 days (I just can’t believe it’s been 100 days…) and some characteristics I have always had have been reaffirmed. I’ve never cared what others thought of me and still don’t. I’ve always only half listened to advice, picking and choosing what suits me best. I’ve been like that my whole life and I don’t see that part of me ever being redefined. I am quite confident in my brain and ability to *eventually* settle into a place that feels right within. While I have always known that about myself, I’ve discovered new things about who I am.

In these last 100 days, I have come full circle, I think. I am starting to settle in and things are feeling right within my soul. I’ve learned that, in times of high stress, I am not the one who reaches out and leans on others. I’ve learned that I’m much more apt to take flight than to fight. My skin has gotten thicker and I’ve learned to start embracing the dear Dalai Lama’s quote, “Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”

It took me awhile to get to that last one. Like, 98 days…

But I think I’m getting my inner peace back. I no longer want to run away. I believe that I am strong enough to face my reality now. I am definitely strong enough to re-write and redefine my path.

Just as Exit 147 now symbolizes all things strength and beauty, the road ahead of me does as well. Perhaps it always has, it’s just that now I’m willing to see it.

life, love

Square Pegs Just Don’t Fit in Round Holes

A Graceful Catastrophe

This whole chapter of my life is so stupid and I can’t wait for it to end. It’s filled with ups and downs and it’s incredibly draining. I cried during Aladdin today, for Pete’s sake. My daughter, saying nothing, simply wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder until my tears stopped. She’s so used to seeing her mama cry that she knows exactly what to do and that just sucks. I just want to press fast forward on my life…

But I can’t. I know I have to learn from this. So, I have a strong desire to try to process this logically because my emotions are all over the place and just make no sense. I look up the stages of grief almost every day. Just so I can see where I am in the process. Honestly, it varies tremendously from one moment to the next. There are days where I hit all 6 stages. Seriously. In the same day. It is exhausting!

I am exhausted.

With every bit of my being, I just want to move forward. My ex is currently trying to buy a house so he can move out. When he’s here, the roller coaster is so filled with twists and turns that I can just about barely hang on. I try to hide inside of myself, shut down completely, so I can whether the storm of his presence with as little trauma as possible. It doesn’t usually work. Which is why he needs to get out of my space and into his own.

So, until then, I fake it until I make it – or I just go work out as much as I can. *shrug* Working out makes me feel different types of exhaustion and pain, ones that makes sense. And my community there is incredible. The gym is, quite honestly, my happy place.

Outside of my gym, my community is also so strong, priceless, really. Some of them, however, I have been actively avoiding. Those in my community that also know my ex are harder for me to be around. With them, somehow, both the pain and the confusion increases. And I have to face my reality. Which I really do not want to do.

Right now, all I want to do is escape. And you can’t escape around people who knew your previous life. Or perhaps you can, but it is so much more difficult for me. So, my dear friends, I love you, I want you in my life, and sometimes it’s just too difficult and bizarre to be around you.

God, an escape would be so welcome right now. There’s a music festival in Germany at the end of July that I’d love to run away to. There’s this company called Active Escapes that creates vacations where you also have intense workouts and I’m pretty sure that would be my dream vacation. There’s a vacation through that company to Greece on July 5th. I’m pretty sure I’d give my left kidney to attend (kidding…kidding…not really…). I wish I could just go away until this chapter has ended. I want to flip the page.

I am so ready to flip the page!

And perhaps I am close. I feel like I might be able to flip the page after he moves out. I have no idea what is written on the next page. I have no clue if I am forever changed and jaded or if, once this pain is further in the distance, I’ll care again. I wonder if I’ll ever believe in love again. I’d like to turn the page so I can start figuring out who I am now.

Because I’m most definitely lost. I know that I am. And I also think it’s okay to be a bit lost. My world violently erupted and in an instant, his actions – the magnitude of his betrayal, unraveled me. It was catastrophic. I need to find out what I believe in. I want to discover where my energy is taking me and who it’s attracting – or pushing away.

The more I go through this process, the more interesting I find our energy and the universe and how it all works together. I am finding that anything that is supposed to be on our paths will be easily attained. I mean, perhaps you still have to work hard, but it just flows naturally. There is no “square peg, round hole” feeling.

My marriage felt like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Trying to buy a car a couple weeks ago felt like I was jumping through all the hoops to make it work. Until I let it go. Then, a couple days ago, I had an extra hour so I went to buy a used car, on a whim. It was just easy. Everything came together effortlessly. I’m learning that if it requires *too much* effort, then I just need to let it go. It isn’t meant to be on my path.

Life should be easy. In ways, so much of my life has been easy. And in other ways, I’ve been challenged in ways that should’ve broken me. And perhaps they did. I think I have been shattered a time or two. And I also think, ultimately, I’ve come out stronger in the end. I know I’ve been shattered this time. I hope, once this is a part of my past, that I will come out even stronger, once again.

I was watching a movie with my daughter the other day. In it, one of the characters had been hardened against love to protect herself from the pain. It was pointed out to her that that was a weakness. It wasn’t her being strong, and fierce, as she’d thought. I cried… In my defense, that scene just hit a bit too close to home.

I’m hardened against love. I have no desire to be loved, romantically speaking. Not because I don’t want to be loved – of course I wish to be loved! – but because in order to be loved, or to give love, you have to let your walls down. Become unguarded. I’d have to bulldoze my castle and all its protective measures that I solidly have in place. And when you allow yourself to be that unprotected, you’re too close to feeling incredible pain. It’s a very fine line. As history has proven, time and again in my world, romantic love assuredly leads to pain. I honestly thought that guarding myself was a sign of me being strong. I am protecting my heart, after all. But this movie reminded me that vulnerability is a sign of strength. *sigh*

I’m not ready to be vulnerable again. Not yet. But it still makes me sad. I’m so devastated that this is the life I’d prefer. But for now, it genuinely is. Nothing about being in love or being loved is appealing. I can’t see myself in a relationship. I see myself strong, independent, and single. Until I’m a little old lady. This is the new future I see for myself. So I’m grieving that, too. I’m grieving the lost part of my soul, the one I’ve buried in order to protect myself from the immense pain that loving someone could bring. That loving someone does bring.

Every single time I’ve loved someone, it’s ended in pain. Since my first love as a child all the way to now. How is that worth it? Honestly, it’s not. So, as strong as I want to be, perhaps I am just this pitiful little soul who now refuses to be vulnerable. Nah, that isn’t true either. I know I’m strong. It’s just that I don’t need that kind of love in my life – the one that inevitably ends in pain.

Give me fun escapes. Give me all the friends in the world. Give me familial and friendship love. All of those are wonderful and long lasting. And my track history shows that.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say. Romantic love, in my world, is fleeting and ends in a flame of fury. Every. Single. Time. To hell with it. And to hell with the vulnerability it takes to allow romantic love to occur. I’m obviously not strong enough to let my guard down.

And honestly guys, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Yes, it makes me sad, but sadness doesn’t make it wrong. I can travel with friends and have great, genuine fun with friends. With no expectations for anything. Do you know how freeing that is?? So if it takes strength to be vulnerable, I’m okay being weak there. I am strong in a thousand other ways.

So, I guess the overall message here is to just do and feel what you believe is right in the moment. No judgments that it’s not socially acceptable. No beating yourself up. No worrying that it’s not where you thought your path would take you. If it goes smoothly, then that means it is the right decision. You’re meant to do exactly whatever it is that you’re doing. If it causes stress in your life, if you feel like you’re putting in way too much effort to make it work, then let it go. If it’s right for me, I’m learning that it aligns beautifully and with ease.

And I’m going to start listening to that more. I’m going to be consciously aware of the amount of effort it takes for something to exist in my world. A little effort is okay. It’s probably even good. After all, challenges help us to grow. And the universe surely understands how much growth my soul requires.

Difficulties are acceptable. Some pegs may take a bit more effort, but they’re still the right size and shape. They still fit.

On the other hand, I don’t think I’m going to insist that a square peg could ever fit in a round hole again. Some things just aren’t meant to be and while it hurts to let it go, that is exactly what must happen in order to continue moving forward. Forward progress is always the goal. If I do get stuck in my life again, as we all do from time to time, wasting effort and time trying to make something fit that never will, I hope to remember this advice for myself.

If it’s on my path, the energy will flow so easily that it’s actually beautiful. Square pegs don’t fit in round holes. They just don’t and never will. I know that now.

life, love

In Spite of the Ache, I’ll Rise Up

A Graceful Catastrophe

This whole grief cycle is stupid. I’m so super completely over it. I’m finding that the ramifications of my ex cheating on me for almost a year has caused so many more layers of hurt than I initially even realized and they are all sandwiched in anger and disbelief and frustration and so, so much sadness.

What’s interesting is that the sadness, right now, isn’t coming from the marriage ending. I’m too logical to pretend that it didn’t completely suck for a long time.

What I am really struggling with is that I know my world view has been completely altered. I honestly, today, right now in this moment, believe that romantic love is an illusion. I believe that familial love is a thing and I think you can feel it with your friends. A deeper sort of affection and connection with family and those that feel like family. I think that’s ingrained in us at the cellular level.

Romantic love, though, has got to be a joke. In the last few days, I’ve heard about two more women whose husbands cheated on them with multiple women, one dear husband was also a fellow Ashley Madison user.

Everyone has a story. Woman after woman and man after man have come to me with stories of relationships ending due to infidelity.

Romantic love is like that faint smell of beautifully blossoming flowers that you catch for just a moment in the summer breeze – and then it disappears and you wonder if you’d imagined it. It’s there, so distinct, so strong…and so fleeting.

I don’t ever want to love like that again. And I don’t want to be loved like that again. It isn’t real. And if it is, it is fleeting. It is there one moment, so intense and beautiful, and then whisked away in the next. Only incredible destruction is left in its wake.

Why would anyone willingly subject themselves to that level of vulnerability?

That honestly just feels like such nonsense to me.

I know I’m still processing through this pain and I am fully aware that my thoughts vary depending on my emotions, depending on how I’m painting the world in that given moment.

In this moment, based on my own life experiences at age 38…and those of my parents, friends, and strangers…romantic love is a sham. It’s been proven to me over and over and over again. It’s a sad, horrible joke. It’s short-lived…momentary.

And once it’s gone, terrible things can happen. Lives are forever altered. Perceptions of the world that is being lived in have to be re-created. The world is no longer the same.

My world is no longer the same.

I am no longer the same.

I can’t decide yet if that’s good or bad or if it just is. I’m leaning towards it just is. It is my reality.

I don’t think I’ll ever again look at anything the same as I once did. Everything is different. Well, the way I view it is different. I suppose it’s the same world. I am just wearing different lenses now.

Surprisingly, I do have hope that this new world I live in will be beautiful for me. It does make me sad that I am no longer the romantic soul I’ve always been. It makes me sad that I genuinely have zero desire to be loved in a romantic way ever again. I’m mourning the fact that I no longer believe in the fairy tales and romance stories that have always grabbed at my heart. It’s all just fiction.

But what is real are people and moments and delightful moments with those wonderful people. It doesn’t need to be any deeper than that and to think that it does is a societal joke. I no longer care about the future, I put absolutely zero stock in it. It doesn’t exist and it never will. What exists is now. And I laugh plenty now. So many of you make me feel so special now. I am deeply loved by you. And I know it. Because I feel it.

I have a playlist on Spotify that started when two of my close girlfriends decided I needed music to go with this chapter of my life. I have since added to it and I’m really liking how it is taking shape. Music is so powerful and these songs are doing a phenomenal job at summarizing my current state – and helping me make sense of it all.

These are lyrics from one of the songs my girlfriend recommended. The song is called Rise Up and it’s sung by Andra Day. I actually frequently cry when I hear it because it hits me right to my core.

You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousands times again

The next line is “For you.” But I’ll rise up a thousand times again – for me. For my daughter. I’ll rise up every time I fall. Every time I feel broken. Every time I feel hopeless.

I’ll rise up. I’ll walk it out. A thousand times again. Though, the “unafraid” bit is a struggle. I think that is there for the long haul. I’m far too afraid to be hurt and betrayed like this again. I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable. This castle is secure.

Which makes me think of another song on my playlist: Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life
Because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

I know this song was written for a completely different situation, yet it fits – for the most part. Because of my ex’s actions, I’m now extremely guarded. And I just want to forget everything. But I’m absolutely not ashamed of my life. It isn’t empty. And the way I now am choosing to live it isn’t wrong. Though there is a void where romantic love used to exist and that void will remain. I no longer know how to let in anyone in that capacity. And even if I could remember, I’m much too afraid.

Despite that, most days, I am happy. Genuinely. I am fulfilled. My community lifts me up – you all help me walk it out. You, all of you in your variety of roles you play in my life, you fill my life with joyous moments. You make me feel loved and special and like I can make it through another day. You fill my life with meaning.

This journey feels as though it will be a never-ending roller coaster ride. A constant struggle. But I am not one who stays down when she has fallen – I am far too stubborn for that. And so, “I’ll rise up. In spite of the ache. I’ll rise up. And I’ll do it a thousand times again.”

love

Fairy Tales are Simply Nonsense

A Graceful Catastrophe

I used to be such a romantic. I’d cry at love songs and sappy romcoms. I used to love it when a boy made me a mixed tape, listing all the songs that made him think of me.

I used to believe in fairy tales. And I honestly thought they could happen in real life.

Now, some days I feel like a zombie, operating in full-on survival mode, functioning with a smile on my face that is only surface deep. Faking it ’till I make it, not daring to show those around me the insurmountable pain I feel, for fear of it consuming me if I acknowledge it exists.

Other days, I legitimately feel like a freaking rock star. Like I have everything under control. And on those days, in those moments, my smile stretches widely across my face and travels deep into my soul.

I’m living in two worlds, with a foot planted firmly in each.

I’ve thought a lot about why I have my zombie days. I mean, it’s not like my marriage was great before he cheated. It sucked. And it had sucked for years. I had told those closest to me that it felt like I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It was never going to happen; it wasn’t ever supposed to fit.

So, why am I so affected by this? I’m free from a lousy marriage! The things that annoyed me about my ex are no longer anything I have to put up with anymore! I can stay in Colorado, for Pete’s sake!! (For those that do not know, the plan was for us to retire in FL. I do not like FL and was absolutely not looking forward to having to move from my Utopian CO to live there. Bleh.)

I think the thing that really gets to me is how it all went down. I don’t quit. Especially something like a family. I would never abandon my family like he did. When I was chatting with a good friend about the possibility of divorce, my friend asked me if I’d done everything in my power to save the marriage. Could I walk away with a clear conscience that every avenue was pursued, a good fight was fought, but just lost.

And I couldn’t. I couldn’t say that I’d put forth any effort into saving the marriage, to be quite honest. So, in that moment, I decided to try. Like, really try. I wrote a 3 page letter, front and back, and cried as I read it to him. I owned all my faults. I made myself so vulnerable. I thought, if I laid it all out on the table, if I admitted to all the moments I was an awful wife, we could grow together from there.

I read him the letter this last fall. He’d been cheating on my since the previous spring. I was too late – he was already gone.

I made myself so embarrassingly vulnerable to him, and I genuinely thought he had heard me. How preciously naive I was. And then 6 months later I found out he’d been cheating on me for a ridiculously long time. What a fool! I was lied to for almost a year and I ignored my gut when I had a feeling something was off. The levels of betrayal run so deep.

I was humiliated.

That’s where my anger is coming from, I think. That’s why I hurt straight down to my core.

I put everything out there. Left my heart unprotected, let my guard completely down. So that I could try to save my family and if I failed, I could at least say I did everything I could to keep us together.

But he can’t say that. Rather than expose his soul to me so we could grow together, he withdrew emotionally and fell into the arms of woman after woman. For months and months. Then came home and complained about what an awful wife I was.

Oh, I can feel the rage building right now.

And this makes me so mad because if I can be played for a fool so easily by the one person that I thought I knew so well, how on earth could I ever trust anyone to not do the exact same thing?

I’m jaded. And I hate it. I don’t want to feel this way. I mean, I don’t think I even believe in monogamy anymore! Everyone I know has a story. EVERYONE. I’ll never allow someone to make me feel this way again. Which means, I have to remain guarded. I can’t be vulnerable. It’s inevitable that I’ll just get hurt.

So why bother?

I know, I know. Two months. It’s been 70 days. I get it. I know what you’re going to say. The road to healing has only just begun to be traveled. I get I’m still in the early stages. And it’s impossible to really make any progress with him still living in the basement, still here to lose his ever loving mind around me whenever I do or say something that upsets him.

He’s not the easiest person to deal with. And now that I am so emotionally closed off, neither am I. Vulnerability, especially around him, is obviously not safe. I have to guard my emotions, guard my heart. I’ve already been a fool for the last year. I won’t allow that anymore.

But that means I come across as cold. Unfeeling. Uncaring.

Well, duh. *face palm*

I have to protect myself now from the person he’s shown himself to be. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

There won’t be a second time.

So when I want to escape, when I want to run away, I think it’s coming from a place of shame more than hurt. Shame that I didn’t know. Shame that I opened up, accepted blame, and put my heart tenderly in his hands – only for him to spit on it before throwing it away, tossing it haphazardly over his shoulder.

The hard truth? Our marriage, in my opinion, was inevitably going to end. He’d asked for a divorce about 9 or 10 months before he cheated. I told him no, I wasn’t going to quit the family. I didn’t believe in just giving up. I didn’t believe in abandoning the family (because that’s what I equated it to) just because we didn’t want to get our hands dirty and try to make the marriage better. I told him that we needed to work on our marriage, that I believed we could have a happy life together. So I denied him the divorce.

And then neither one of us chose to work. Neither of us tried. We both waited for the other one to change. It took me well over a year to finally get to a place where I was all in. But it took him 9 or so months to decide to throw us away and sign up for Ashley Madison.

I was too late.

I loved him. He can be such an amazing human. I married him for a reason.

And now I don’t know him. I don’t trust him. I have no clue where his morals lie.

So on the hardest of days, I completely shut down. I go out with my girls, probably drink a little too much, and try so hard to erase the shame of being such a fool, for being so hopeful and vulnerable, for being so extremely naive.

Because I had no clue, when I exposed my heart to him, that he was looking at me with eyes that had looked deep into another woman’s. That when he hugged me, he was hugging me with the same arms that had been wrapped around another woman’s body. Many other women’s bodies. And this had been going on for months and months.

How could I have missed it???

I’ll never miss it again.

Because vulnerability is too risky.

There is no fairy tale. No Cinderella story. Perhaps there’s no such thing even as true love.

I’m sure the days of operating like a zombie will pass. I’ll find a new normal and thrive there. I’ll have fun and make connections with others, but it’ll be a long time, perhaps never, before I place my heart in someone else’s hands.

I just don’t trust that they wouldn’t eventually spit on it, too.

I’ll never allow myself to walk into another relationship with eyes naively closed, blinded by love. Another person will never throw me away again.

My days of being a blindly trusting, naive little fool are over.

Walls up. Guards up. My castle is well protected. And will remain that way indefinitely.

Because those precious fairy tales I grew up watching? The ones my daughter watches and then, at the happily ever after, smiles through her tears and gives a little sigh?

They don’t exist.

It’s not better to have loved and lost. It’s better to not love at all so you can never be betrayed or hurt.

Because fairy tales, quite simply, are all just a bunch of nonsense.

life, Uncategorized

Screw It All

A Graceful Catastrophe

Screw it. Screw it all.

It appears that I have a breaking point.

It’s today.

My ex husband shared with me today that a “longtime friend” has betrayed me, too.

This is just one betrayal too many.

It has been an awful week so far, with so many stones thrown at me. I thought I was strong enough to hear his malicious words, spitefully attacking me…but I am not. Rather than let them bounce right off of me, I absorbed them. All of them.

Guys, I’m done.

I want him to hurt. I want to intentionally cause him so much emotional pain that it physically hurts him. He’s been accusing me of purposefully hurting him all the while anyway, so why not just lash out and do exactly what he thinks of me anyway?

The rage and hurt and frustration and anger have all reached a violent boiling point. It has consumed me. It is literally all I feel right now.

He has accused me of not giving him grace.

He believes, with every ounce of his being, the world he has painted. So I may as well jump in the painting and show him that reality.

I. Am. So. Done.

Living life with grace is for the birds.

My daughter can learn a different lesson.

One where a strong woman can fight back against the emotional abuse of a disgusting and broken individual. One where I don’t have to tolerate being spoken to with such venom spewing out of his mouth.

Amongst other vicious attacks, he claims I am weak because I don’t make enough money to support myself and my daughter or be able to stay in this home without his money (which I cannot, but it surely doesn’t make me weak!). He laughs that I have to turn to my dad for help.

I HATE that I have to ask my dad for financial support.

I HATE that this is the world I now live in.

I HATE that I can’t trust.

I HATE him.

He has thrown all the stones he can think of in the last two days to intentionally hurt me. And he won. He did it.

So now I’m done. I’m angry. And hurt. And sick to my stomach. And I can’t sleep. And, really, I’m just done.

He wins. He’s gotten inside my head.

He’s beaten me down.

I quit.

I have no desire to live life with grace or class or anything that gives him an ounce of kindness right now.

I mean, I’m nice enough to him in front of my daughter…but I am done when she’s not around. He doesn’t deserve it and I’m too exhausted to muster the energy to give it.

I’m not strong.

I can’t do this anymore.

Today, I am defeated.

It took just a bit over 2 months. Two months of trying to be strong. Of trying to be the bigger person. Two months of fighting for my sanity every single day. Two months of being on the worst emotional roller coaster I’ve ever been on.

Two months. And I’m exhausted. I just can’t do it anymore.

I hope it’ll get better from here someday, but for now, I’m sure it’s going to get ugly.

Because I don’t care anymore.

Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. I care so much that I am so emotionally defeated that I can’t care anymore.

And definitely don’t care about him.

There is just too much to process. Too much pain. Too much stress.

It makes me physically ill. Drained.

He thinks he hasn’t been receiving grace thus far. I wonder what he’ll think of my new attitude towards him…? He has no clue, apparently, just how graceful I have been.

For the last 2 months, he’s been on the attack, throwing stones left and right. Calling me names. Some days were better than others. Some days we were able to finish out the 24 hours without a single stone being thrown. A lot of days have been an absolute living hell.

Oh, man, the stones that he has thrown in the last 2 days alone…

And, tonight, I finally threw some back.

And will continue to throw them.

Because I just don’t care.

It’s like he forgets what he’s done, the tailspin he’s thrown my life into, his daughter’s life… He takes no responsibility for it. Shows zero accountability. According to him, his actions don’t matter because I deserved it all. His actions are all justified because I was an awful wife. (And I was…because I retaliated for being treated awfully. We were stuck in a horribly sad, negative cycle.) But they aren’t justified and weren’t deserved.

“Romantic love” is stupid. Romantic love won’t exist in my world…not for a long time. Possibly not ever.

It’s just not worth it. It’s not worth this. When Alfred Lord Tennyson said it’s better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all was obviously not betrayed by people he thought loved them.

First, my husband. Now, at least one friend. I just can’t take it. It’s all slightly too much for me.

So, yeah, that’s been a thing. He talks with my “friends,” apparently. And my “friends” are talking about me behind my back. Awesome. I needed more betrayal in my life. More proof that nobody is to be trusted.

Fine.

Talk.

But could you at least be adult enough to tell me to my face what you think of me?

Because I don’t want to have to waste my time on you, too.

We’re all so old now. Grow up.

So, if you’re a long time friend, I guess you have to prove that you’re really my friend. And not talking smack about me behind my back. It’s going to be a long road.

Because now I trust no one.

I’m done.

I don’t have energy for nonsense.

And my life is filled with things that just don’t make sense right now.

God, I just want it all to make sense.

I want him to hurt as badly as he’s making me hurt.

So grace is gone. For now. Probably for a while.

So I can hit him where it hurts.

Intentionally.

Purposefully.

Like he did to me.

Over. And over. And over.

I’m so done.

Today, I don’t care.

About anything (except for, obviously, my daughter).

Because I hate him.

And it’s consumed me.

At least for today.

And for tomorrow, I’ll never forget. I am a changed woman. And he especially isn’t going to like the new me.

So screw living life with grace.

In the long run, it just doesn’t even matter.

We’re born. We die. Nothing in between really matters.

So, I’ll join him in his crappy little painting for now. Show him what this reality of his that he’s painted really looks like.

Because it is ugly.

And I have no more energy to try to paint rainbows and butterflies.

life

Dear Ashley Madison Lovelies

A Graceful Catastrophe

I spent a good portion of today angry and frustrated. It isn’t all that often that I allow those negative feelings to consume an entire day of mine, but today it was, apparently, unavoidable.

I have a way with words. I typically am very capable of putting my thoughts and feelings into sentences that are able to be clearly read and understood by others.

The feelings I have from being betrayed by one of the very few people that I blindly trusted – by my husband – are just nothing that I can put into any form of coherent thought.

It’s more of a physical feeling, deep within my gut. When I allow it to consume me, I feel physically ill. Most of today, I felt absolutely sick. But, like, disgusted. Like I was forced to eat old, molded, putrid, rotted fish. Over and over. Bite after bite.

That’s as close as I can get to explaining what it feels like when I try to understand what my ex did to me and our family. It’s also the feeling I get when I look at him and fully understand that he has absolutely no clue the extent at which his actions have affected me.

And will always affect me.

I know he doesn’t understand because of his actions and words all day today.

Which constantly made me feel even worse. To know that he doesn’t understand, and to realize I am incapable of explaining it in a way that he can, drove me absolutely bonkers today.

I desperately want him to understand how I feel. I want him to truly visit the depths of the sea of anguish I now swim (and sometimes sink) in. But how could he ever when I don’t even quite comprehend how I feel?

I know I am so incredibly angry. I am disgusted. I am filled with rage and even hate. Lately, the ability to live with grace has been shadowed by so much negativity. The more he pushes back, the cockier he behaves, the more he tries to defend and justify what he did, the less I am capable of acting with any semblance of class or grace.

And he’s been home for so long now! When he was cheating on me for the last year, he was home for about 1 week each month (except during the 2 months after his accident, when he was home and I was taking care of him, the house, and our daughter, all while trying to work my new business… Ugh, I wish I knew then what I know now!) . Now that he’s not cheating, he’s barely been on the road! Coincidence? I think not.

It’s so hard to see his face, day in and day out. It’s even harder to hear him play the role of victim, which he has been doing more and more frequently. It consumes me with such fury that I know I need to head to a rage room soon because I definitely do not need to be punching another column in my kitchen…

Every time I think about what occurred during the last year of my life, I try to assign words to the thoughts and feelings swirling about. I fail every single time. But perhaps it’s impossible because words are rational and these thoughts and feelings are anything but.

My life was a joke – and I had absolutely no clue. Well, that’s not exactly true. I had a gut feeling, even talked to my best friend about it, but dismissed it quickly because I thought, no, not him. He’d never lie or cheat.

God, I was a fool! Listen to your gut, ladies and gentlemen. It doesn’t lie to us.

You now the other thing that made me so mad today? Apparently, he has shared this blog with some of the women he chats with on Ashley Madison. They read it and then text him, reinforcing his thoughts that he is a victim, that how awful I am to paint such a picture of him. I mean, they are women with letters after their names! They know! They told him, apparently, that I have portrayed him as a villain. And since they have titles, they absolutely know what they’re talking about.

Well, it’s a good thing you Ashley Madison women know my (ex) husband so well! How dare I show him in such a terrible light?! Of course I’m just a woman scorned, out to say horrible untruths about the man that did nothing wrong over the course of our marriage. He was the victim! If he did behave in any sort of unsavory way, it was simply because he was provoked! His behavior was always justified because I acted in such a way that deserved to be treated and talked to in such a manner. He was, of course, justified in his actions over the last year, too, because I didn’t show him love… Of course all of these blogs are written because I’m just hurt and want to attack him.

Barf.

I do not write this to throw him under the bus, as his precious friends would like to reinforce. I write this to not feel so alone. To process. To feel support from my community during a time when my heart – my life – is absolutely shattered. To try, desperately, to put words to the ugliness I feel within, down to my core. To rationalize this catastrophe. And I write to hear how maybe you assigned some sort of sense to it when you went through it.

I write to know that I will come out ahead and even stronger than before. To know that I will never allow something like this to ever happen to me again.

I write so that I can look back on these blogs and remind myself to never again be such a naive fool. To always listen to my gut.

Because, guys! I don’t remember things. Ever. I have the worst memory! And God forbid I ever forget how this feels.

So I write. I document. I process. I lean on you all (well, maybe not all. I’m definitely not leaning on you lovely Ashley Madison ladies).

So, let me speak directly to you, you Ashley Madison lovelies: understand that you have absolutely no clue who this man really is – you only know who he wants you to see.

And understand that I do not write to villainize (yes, that really is a word) my ex. It’s not always about him. I write, first and foremost, for me.

Because I will not forget this pain. Ever. I refuse. I will have these blogs to look back on as a constant reminder to never be fooled again.

I write to remember.

life

Embrace the Suck

A Graceful Catastrophe

I am currently separated from a man who is seemingly entirely different from the one I was once married to. This guy is everything I’d hoped my husband could’ve been. He’s vulnerable, thoughtful, insightful, reflective, and genuinely kind.

It only took him hitting rock bottom, making incredibly selfish and hurtful decisions, day in and day out for almost a year, and then losing his family for him to wake up. That’s what he calls it – that he’s had an awakening.

When I first told people what’d happened, and that I was leaving my husband because of it, I also said that I had no idea what that meant for us. Some days I told people that there was no way I would give my marriage a chance again. Other days I responded with not knowing if this would be permanent or if some day, down the road, we’d try to make our marriage work again. The most insightful and loving of people responded with three common replies:

  • you do not have to make any decisions right now,
  • you have to do what’s right for you and your family and only you know what that means, and
  • I support you with whatever decision you make, even if it is to take him back.

I have some pretty incredible people in my life. The lack of judgement shown by the family and friends that surround me has been vitally important to me while I’m on this journey. I’m on a roller coaster and how I feel from one minute to the next varies so significantly that I sometimes think I’m no longer even remotely sane.

Every time I feel the most unbalanced, I reach out to my community. I am not shy about what is going on in my life and because of that, I have people ready to lift me up from every corner of my world. I have been embraced with unconditional love and understanding from “my people.” They are helping me ride this wave and process through all the emotions so that I can reach a logical decision on what it is I want to do moving forward.

I still don’t know.

There’s a lot of work that has to be done between here and there. And I’m so thankful this is not a decision I have to make quite yet. There are still so many emotions clouding my vision that now is not the time to think about anything past today.

So I take it all one moment at a time. That’s probably one of my biggest takeaways from the last 7.5 weeks. I am much better now at not having expectations. I’m much better at just living in the moment and enjoying what this second is bringing me. And I’m also much better at understanding that, while maybe this second sucks, it won’t forever, so keep breathing through it.

I also know that I know nothing. I think I may know something, but, as it turns out, I don’t. And boy, is that ever a freeing feeling! And the only thing that is certain is that nothing is ever certain. Everything is capable of being susceptible to change. And every person is, too. If they truly want to change.

By living with grace and understanding, it turns out my daughter isn’t the only one watching. I am not only showing her how to not hit walls when she’s angry and hurt, I’m showing my (ex) husband, too. And he’s actually seeing it. *mind blown*

He’s got a long road ahead, one of intense healing for the broken, sad little boy that lives within him. And I think he just might be ready to embark on his journey.

You see, if you surround others with love, while holding them accountable, amazing transformations can occur. I’ve seen it all around me. I’ve heard story after story from women who have sent me private messages that they, too, have survived marital affairs and their marriages are now better than ever. I used to have all sorts of judgments and opinions on how a person should behave under certain circumstances. I no longer do. Humans are a truly remarkable species. We’re capable of so much that defies logic. We’re capable of anything that we really, truly, honestly want to achieve. Remind yourself of that. Highlight that sentence. Write this on a sticky and place it on your bathroom mirror: I am powerful.

Mind over matter.

Mindset is everything.

I don’t know yet if we will be one of those positive statistics of a renewed and rekindled marriage but I do know the man my ex is today is not the man he was 2 months ago. And I am not the person I was 2 months ago, either. Both of those versions of ourselves are dead. And who he becomes after this catastrophe, who I become, is up to no one other than ourselves. It hasn’t been easy but I am proud for how I’ve handled myself through this catastrophe. Broken hand, emotional meltdowns, and all. Because I’ve tried, over and over for the last 60 days, to take the high road, to give grace to someone who hadn’t shown that he deserves it.

He’s showing he deserves it now. So while I make no promises, while I am still riding this wave, I will continue to do so with the purest of love and grace that I can muster. I started to behave this way for my daughter but as time goes on, I realize it’s so much bigger than that.

And today, at this part of my journey, I am hopeful. I guess what I’m hopeful for, at the very core of it all, is that my ex can find a way to release the pain he has harbored for well over 3 decades, that he can be genuinely happy on the inside, and that he can begin to reflect that out into the world.

If all of us choose to dig deep, to find true happiness within, then the wave we ride is a bit less tumultuous, isn’t it? When we approach life, and others, with nothing more than genuine love and grace in our hearts, then everyone wins. Life is a bit sweeter. Interactions purer. Hearts fuller.

I choose to live my life like this. Intentionally filled with grace.

Of course I’ll have moments where I let the emotions get the best of me. I’m still a work in progress, still very human. Living with intentional grace takes effort. It’s a skill. As is choosing happiness. And with any skill, it improves with practice. So I will continue my practice and when I make mistakes, I’ll then give myself grace. And continue moving forward.

Because there is no other option but to learn from all of these moments that form my life and use them to improve myself, down to my soul.

My life is a work in progress and I want to be proud of my work. At 38, I didn’t picture my life looking like this. And when I say that, I don’t mean it in the negative. I’ve never felt like my life has had more meaning. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived a more authentic and free life than I am right now. Despite the pain, the emotional roller coaster, the crash of waves changing my direction with every strong gust of wind, I’ve honestly never felt so good.

Whatever happens in this marriage, whether we file the paperwork and legally separate or end up trying to make it work, I know the decision will not be made lightly by either of us. And no matter the decision, it will be the one that works best for the two of us.

For now, everything is too unsettled to make a decision. So that portion of life is paused while things get sorted through. And I am okay with that.

I know many of you are struggling with your own roller coaster, you’re riding your own waves that are crashing down upon you and you have no idea how to keep your head out of water long enough to breathe. I’m also guessing that so much of how you’re feeling is because of how you think you’re supposed to respond because of society’s expectations on you and the expectations you have for yourself.

Let go. Hit the pause button.

Accept the way you feel right now. Honor how you feel because exactly how you feel is how you’re supposed to be feeling. If you fight it, or if you think you can’t behave a certain way because of how others would rather you feel or act, then you aren’t accepting the lesson. This journey is yours and yours alone. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for how you feel. It sucks? Breathe in the suck. Acknowledge how badly it sucks. When others try to be the ray of sunshine and you aren’t feeling it, let them know you’d rather them just rain with you. What the “hail,” maybe even have a full out storm with you (get it? get it? Sometimes you just have to laugh. *cracking up laughing over here*). You can only walk this journey the way you know how to best. And you do know how, you’re just fighting it. Embrace the suck: it is powerful and meaningful and will fill your life with grace and love. If only you let it.

And remember, you are walking this path for you and no one else. Those that genuinely love you will understand that and will be there at any moment you need them. You are never alone, even when you feel the most isolated. So lean on them as needed and without guilt – nothing has helped me more over the last 60 days than my community and the kindness of strangers.

Choose to live out loud. Choose happiness. Choose to learn and grow. Choose to live with intentional grace and love. Then continue to practice everyday, giving grace to yourself when you’ve had a “less than” response.

Remember, mindset is everything and you are powerful enough to control your destiny. Dig deep and live with intentional grace and love. For yourself, for those you love, and for strangers you randomly pass as you live your life.

Look for the good that is all around you. Life is beautiful. Even through the suck. So go ahead and embrace it and then watch how your life transforms.

life

Untangling Christmas Lights

A Graceful Catastrophe

Picture Christmas lights. You pull out a messy bundle that you thought you’d carefully wrapped up and put away the previous year. The first step is to plug them in, to see if they all light up. They don’t, of course. So then you have to start untangling them. At long last, after a stupid amount of agonizing minutes, the strand is free of tangles! You finally have a perfectly straight strand of lights. Yes! But where on earth is that one lousy bulb that’s making the whole blasted section short out?! Forget it! Rather than take the time to find the bloody thing, after you’ve just spent way too much time trying to straighten it all out, you just throw the whole strand away. It’s a lost cause.

That’s quite how I feel tonight. Trying to process my emotions right now feels like a lost cause. For the last hour or so, I just sat in silence, thinking. I was going nowhere with that, so I decided to grab my computer and just start writing.

I am doing my best to honor my emotions, to ride the wave and feel them all. On days like today, though, that is almost impossible. I want to bury them so that I can process my world logically. And then leave the emotions shoved in a box, buried deep in my soul. There are just too many to handle right now. And they’re all twisted together.

Like tangled, broken Christmas lights.

Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with honoring that? At least for a moment.

What do I know? I don’t have the answers. I’m just trying to live the best life that I can live, one moment at a time, now that I’m in the “after” portion of the catastrophe that upended my world.

But the truth of the matter is, there’s still a wave that I’m riding. Whether or not I tightly pack my emotions and bury them, they aren’t going away. I guess I just have to try to process them, so let’s take a minute and talk about today.

Today was…well, today was difficult. Those are the only words I have to describe today.

There is so much going on inside of me right now.

My mind is swirling.

My heart is racing. I can actually feel it hammering in my ears.

Today was my daughter’s birthday party to celebrate her 9th birthday. And it was a huge success. There was so much laughter and squealing from the kids, great conversation was taking place as I took a moment to quietly survey the party, and everyone seemed to be enjoying the food and drinks. The decorations were on point, the cake was incredibly decorated, and the bounce house was obviously a huge hit. With help from my parents, my (ex) husband and I threw another great party.

It’s what we do.

Wait…it’s what we did?

*sigh*

Moment. By. Moment.

I can’t live any other way right now.

I get lost when I try to.

I have a dear friend, rather like a soulmate, a sister, who checked in on me late tonight. She experienced probably the most significant loss a person could go through, went through such unimaginable pain, that she knew the significance on my emotions today would have. She could empathize with what exactly celebrating my daughter’s birthday would feel like for me. She just knew that today would be an incredibly difficult one.

So she sent me a message. Affirming me. Loving me. Reminding me that I am a great mom and that today was about making wonderful memories for my daughter. And together, my ex and I did exactly that. I gave nobody any clue that both last night and this morning sucked or that I was having an internal battle because of it – today wasn’t the time for that. Yet, she knew. She doesn’t even live in the same state that I do! And she knew. It was the most meaningful moment of the day for me.

I am well aware that milestones, even little ones, are going to be hard for a while. I’m thinking it is because those milestones are no longer going to occur the way I’d always envisioned them. Even when they seemingly do.

I’m tangled because today was so normal. Too normal. The party was flawless. Anyone who didn’t know what the last 7 weeks has looked like for me, for us, didn’t have any inkling that our marriage was broken. He hosted. I hosted. It’s just what we do. Today’s milestone was successfully – and normally – celebrated. But nothing is normal right now.

So, when everything seems perfectly happy and wonderful and normal, I find myself getting lost. Everything about living “normally” as a family takes monumental intention and discipline. Almost every move, every conversation, even every smile has to be calculated.

I am currently trying to live in a hyper-focused state because I’ve found that when I don’t, I don’t process my reality as well as I could. Everything gets messy and ridiculously tangled.

*Cue the purpose behind writing this tonight…*

But, as I sit here and write, I have to ask: is being hyper-focused a bad thing? Mindset is everything, right? I mean, we all know that. I constantly hear: “Embrace the moment!” Or people say, in some way or another, to enjoy living in a space where the only thing that matters is literally right now: “Live in the now.” “Be present.” Maybe it’s time to trust that the “hyper-focused” attitude is exactly the way I should’ve been living all along.

Huh.

You know, when I first began writing this blog, somewhere a little over 2 hours ago, I was feeling overwhelmed. I even had a physiological response to it, with my heart racing and thumping in my ears. Now, though, I think I’m beginning to get untangled.

And this is exactly why I write.

I am a verbal processor. I either have to talk through things in order to make sense of them, or write about them. I can’t just live inside my head – I get absolutely nowhere with “thinking.”

What about you? Do you have tangled Christmas light moments? Times where you just think to yourself how messed up it all is and it’s so overwhelming that it feels like a lost cause? How do you remind yourself that it’s not?

If you aren’t sure how you process intense emotions and deep thoughts, take a minute to analyze how you’ve worked through problems before. Do you talk about it? Do you journal? Do you mull it over inside your head while you go out for a run? It’s important to know because everyone needs a healthy outlet to help get their head right. Tonight, I went from spiraling down a rabbit hole of confusion to feeling pretty great again. All because I decided to grab my computer and write.

From start to finish, it’s going to take me well over 4 hours to write just this one blog. When I first sat down to write tonight, my thoughts started in the same place as I did with this one, but then went off in a completely different direction. I didn’t like where that was going, so I discarded it and began again. And then I edited this piece like crazy. The whole process helped me understand my thoughts and pinpoint why I was feeling the way I was. I dumped it all onto this beautifully simple blank page. Writing gave me the time to understand what I was thinking and helped me get my mindset back where it needed to be.

Life is confusing. No matter what you’re living through right this moment, your life is sure to take you on a journey. It’s supposed to. There aren’t many things you can count on with certainty, but experiencing ups and downs is a given. We are meant to grow, so we must experience discomfort. Here are some things I’ve learned in the last 7 weeks that continuously help me get through my discomfort, this catastrophe, with grace.

  • Choose to see the good in the people around you, because everybody has good in them.
  • Don’t worry about what may happen at some point down the road or what you should’ve done yesterday. Process the moments as they come and make sure to do so in a healthy way.
  • Count on others for help. We all inherently want to help the members in our community so you aren’t a burden. Don’t think for a second that you are.
  • Hyper-focus on the moments. Though, you may be in the middle of stepping in the mess that erupted after it hit the fan, look up. You don’t have to focus on the mess. When you see all that is in front of you, you’ll surely find something to make you smile.

You all do that for me, you know. While trying to side-step the mess that is my current chapter, you all help me look up. You make me smile. I’m grateful to you – for reading my blog, for commenting on it here and on social media, and especially for sharing it with others because you think it might help them process their world just a tiny bit better. You lift me up with your positive messages and with the stories you’ve shared. I know I’m not alone in this journey and I am thankful that I can lean on so many of you. Your presence in my life is a gift and I can only hope that I can be that gift for others, too.

So if you ever need help untangling Christmas lights, both figuratively and literally, I am here for you.

life

Lucky

A Graceful Catastrophe

I am lucky.

Yes, sure, I am going through some things right now and processing this chapter of my life has been interesting, to say the least. I’m on a wild ride with my emotions, my hand is slowly healing, and my (ex) husband has been so kind that it’s confusing. I’m constantly having to re-evaluate my boundaries and remind myself that life as I once knew it has forever changed. While daily moments feel “normal,” they aren’t.

Yet, I’m lucky.

I have an incredible community that surrounds me with love and continuously lifts me up. I have friends that run away on spontaneous vacations with me. I have friends that, even after well over a month, still check in on me. The families I work for are the most understanding and giving people. My incredibly sweet neighbors surprise me with the most delicious chocolate chip cookies. My parents constantly worry about me and remind me daily that they are there for me and my daughter. My friends and followers on social media, from all over the world, send me messages that they’re thinking of me and make sure I am okay. Today, my house is cleaner and more organized than it has been in months, thanks to two incredibly hard working women. My gym family pushes me through killer workouts so I can keep working on having both a fit body and fit mind. And even my doctor and all the medical staff at the orthopedic group I go to care about me and give me hugs when I go for my check ups. Everyone wants to help.

I hear stories about women who’ve been cheated on and how their spouses responded to getting caught. It’s not pretty. I’m so fortunate that when my (ex) husband’s two worlds collided, it humbled him. He’s been validating me. He’s been complimentary on how I’m handling all of this. He’s being a wonderful father. He knows he needs help and wants it. He’s actually been reflective (he’s never been reflective).

Today, I am happy. Better yet, I’m rather at peace with what has happened. Grateful. I think this is what was necessary to jolt me (us) awake.

So often, we (married couples) get caught in negative cycles and get stuck, both unwilling and unknowing how to get out. My (ex) husband’s actions were equivalent to someone grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me – hard. And actually, now that it’s out in the open, I’d say the same is true for him.

We’re both very much awake.

Which means we can work to do better. Albeit, now as individuals.

And that makes me smile.

Whatever the future has in store for him, for me, for my daughter, I think it’ll be good. We’ll always be a family but we won’t necessarily always be together. And that is okay. Eventually it’ll probably be better than okay.

Today the waves are calmer. And because I fully understand that these moments don’t linger, I’m taking the time to pause and soak it in.

Today, I am grateful for my (ex) husband’s infidelity. My world was shaken, straight down to its core. He lied and manipulated for almost a year. And because of that, I’ve taken honesty to the next level. I want to be the polar opposite of who he was (is?). I am currently living my most honest and authentic life. To me, lying has always been the most despicable character trait. Nothing ever made me more mad than encountering a liar. And here I was, married to one. Yet, oddly enough, I’m finding myself grateful for that very attribute.

Him, having the most loathsome of character flaws, is giving me the opportunity to practice grace and be understanding to an extent I’ve never been able to truly practice before. I consider myself to be patient and kind. I’ve also always found it difficult to forgive a liar.

There has never been a better occasion for me to practice forgiveness. To truly give grace to someone who least deserves it.

His indiscretions are helping me grow to be a me that I may have never been able to become without this adversity.

I sit here and really cannot believe that I’m even feeling this – I’m actually grateful that my husband cheated on me?! And not just, like, an oops, one time thing, but months and months of it?

Yes, I am.

I have been given a chance to practice being a better human. What an amazing opportunity.

I am lucky this happened now. And so very grateful. Since I’m still relatively young, this skill set I am working on mastering is going to serve me well for the next 40 or 50 years of my life.

Maybe this is how we all should approach life’s catastrophes. Mindset is everything. If we look at the events in our lives that shake us to our cores as opportunities to grow, to reflect, to be better humans on this Earth, then we can stop questioning why it happened to us. We don’t have to be victims. We can be incredibly strong and beautiful people, with the capacity to forgive, to give grace, and to love, fully and unconditionally – and not only for others, but, perhaps more importantly, for ourselves, too.

Wouldn’t you want to live in that type of world? I do.

So I will not be bitter. I will stop asking why he did this to our family. I’ll stop feeling like he threw me away. I’ll stop wondering if I’ll ever be enough. I’ll live each day as best as I can (giving myself grace when I make my own mistakes, too).

Look, I am fully aware that today is a good day. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll read this blog and laugh because it’s so “butterflies and rainbows.” Nonetheless, I feel strongly that I am supposed to use this as an opportunity to grow.

Tonight, I will rest better than I have in over a month.

Because tonight, I am going to sleep with a mindset focused on gratitude.

I am really so very lucky.