Tag: personal growth

life, travel

Soul Re-defining

A Graceful Catastrophe

Ahh, traveling… When once upon a time, we were allowed to take these soul changing journeys.

Since we can’t go anywhere for now, come along on a photographic journey with me at Craig’s Impressions and read about the moment that rocked me to my core…to the instant that I woke up and realized who exactly I am.

Have you had these soul re-defining moments? Do you still struggle to try to prove to others, or to yourself, who you are?

While I still have my moments, they are thankfully few and far between. I am confident and secure in who I am and while I can still be shaken by threatening and abusive words, it doesn’t take much to remember who I really am.

Remember that you are enough. That only you define your self worth and write the narrative of your life. And it is not your responsibility how others choose to see you, only how you choose to see yourself.

Focus on the beauty that abounds and surrounds, and, more importantly, that lives within you. Have a phenomenal day and I hope you feel the love that I am sending your way.

life

3.4 Miles

A Graceful Catastrophe

When I saw the sign that said, “Ouray KOA,” I grinned and cheered. Like, for real. There was actual fist pumping happening in my car. I’d done it!! I made my first solo drive…my first drive through the mountains. And it was snowy at times, and visibility wasn’t great, and other times the roads were dry and it was smooth sailing. And I did it.

Then, 3.4 miles from my hotel, I was overcome by emotion. I couldn’t believe I’d done it.

I know I’ve come a long way in the days since March 17th. My growth has truly been exponential . It started off slow, and rocky, and…okay, okay, it was non-existent. My first several months afterwards I didn’t want to experience my reality. I wanted to ignore it. And I did just about anything I could to escape it.

When you ignore your reality, you can’t exactly grow.

And that’s absolutely okay. I was in survival mode. That was all I could hang on to – just take one more breath, girl. You can do this. One breath at a time.

And then, one magical day, I was ready.

And I took off.

Today, I’m a new me. Someone who sits alone at a bar in a strange city and happily eats her food, smiling to herself every now and then, not giving a care in the world.

I’m someone who drives through the snowy mountains because there’s a city she’s waited to go to for years and years and she’s done waiting for someone else to bring her here.

I’m done waiting. Period. If I want it, I will figure out a way to do it. Because I’m alive and breathing and that’s all the reason I need.

I’m also still learning. Sure, I’ve come a long way. I believe it never ends, though. There are always ways I can improve. Things I can nurture and refine. I’m finding the balance between pushing myself and simply marinating in the moment. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I tend to live by the rule it’s either all or it’s nothing. Do it right the first time or don’t do it at all. I’m all in. Or I’m out. And I’m learning that perhaps there’s a better, more delicate space to land…perhaps.

In Greece, I learned a lesson that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. My whole purpose of going to Greece, though, was to prove to myself that I can. So, I did. And then I thought I was good. I had countless epiphanies over there. My very energy changed. I didn’t have anything left to prove to myself.

Or so I thought.

So, let me back up a minute. Give you some context. Yesterday I left for a road trip through the mountains…with my front wheel drive Mini Cooper…through a minor snowstorm. I decided to embark on yet another solo journey, this magnificent road trip, because I’ve realized I still have more I want to prove to myself. I still have fears that require facing. Insecurities. Doubts.

I absolutely hate doubting myself.

So, I booked this trip. And, after much fret and worry, finally took off. Goodness, I’m less than 24 hours into this trip and I’m already grateful I didn’t back out.

As I looked out on the scenery during the drive, I noticed all the variety of shades of white that exist in nature. It was just white on white on white. In front of me, all around me, surrounding me. Just white. It was stunning.

I drank it in. Really experienced where I was. And I was in no hurry whatsoever. I took detours to take pictures. I saw bighorn sheep!!

Don’t miss out on the beauty that surrounds you because you’re afraid to open your eyes.

I took so many deep breaths. Just so I could exhale. I needed to exhale the voices in my head. The ones that told me I was incapable. And then I spent some time talking to myself, rather than wasting time listening to those voices. This time, the incapability was of driving in the snow. I’ve been told many times that I can’t drive in the snow, or that I shouldn’t drive in the snow. And, I have also had many circumstances where I’ve proven to myself that maybe I shouldn’t ever drive in the snow. I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s been told to me and then reinforced. I can’t do it.

Which is exactly why I’m here today, having driven not only through the snow, but through snow covered roads, with limited visibility at times, over winding s-curved mountain passes.

Face my fear. I’m all in. I know no other way.

So, this is why, 3.4 miles away from my hotel, I lost it. The tears simply struck and didn’t let up for several minutes. It was the release I needed. Another fear conquered. Another lesson learned. I can do scary things. And survive.

And then reflect and realize there was nothing scary about it after all.

So, here, now, I encourage you. Do something that scares you. Something you’ve avoided because you keep listening to the voices in your head rather than talking to yourself. Create your new narrative. It isn’t as scary as you’re making it out to be.

I promise.


life, love

Cliffhanger

A Graceful Catastrophe

My mind is buzzing, electrified. I can picture my thoughts as these tiny, wee, little blobs with legs, jumping from neuron to neuron, laughing in delight. Mocking me.

I can’t catch one, though. I feel like I have to write, like I have to get out what’s in my head, but I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is that I’m supposed to write about. My thoughts are taunting me, skating about on the edge of consciousness.

Perhaps that is exactly where I should begin. On the edge.

You see, we’re on the edge right now, ready to dive into the new year. I’m on the edge, too, ready to dive into 39 (which my friend happily reminded me is actually the beginning of my 40th year. Gee, thanks for that clarification. *facepalm*)

And yet, this edge that I’m precariously (this word can mean a great deal of things, so I figured I’d include a synonym for how I’m choosing to use it in this sentence: daringly) balanced upon feels more stable than anywhere I’ve been standing at any point during all of my adulthood.

As I look around at my life, both figuratively and literally, I see that no matter which direction I choose to step off this edge, I’m going to fall into something unbelievably marvelous. And how do I know this? Because I am the one captaining the ship. I am wholly and completely in charge of all aspects of my success and happiness, in regards to my daughter, friends, work, love, or any other element of my life, both significant and inconsequential.

To finally understand this, to at long last possess this knowledge, is a gift. It’s a gift because I no longer live in fear – not of the future, not of falling in love, not of leaving my house after dark, and definitely not of being alone. Life should actually just be viewed as the greatest cliffhanger of all time – none of us know how anything will end, but it’s that uncertainty that makes it exciting (description of the word “cliffhanger’ taken from the Cambridge online dictionary).

Goodness, I truly do love living on the edge and in the space of the unknown! It’s absolutely bold, and perhaps a touch reckless, and surely not for everyone, but it just feels so free. I feel so free! For months and months, life felt heavy. I felt like the weight on my shoulders was so much that I’d never be able to rise again.

Today, I feel so light and free that I could almost float away. Almost. I’m still trying to remain grounded. I have a vision of where my life will be in 2 years. And, boy, does it ever excite me. Sure, it’ll probably change 2,034 more times in the next 24 months. And you know what? That is totally and completely okay.

I welcome change and bumps in my path along the way. They all serve a purpose, and I get the opportunity to grow from them. I do not fear pain. I will never again avoid something – whether it’s feelings or a physical act of doing something – because I’m afraid. I’m not scared of adversity. I have scars that mark all the aches and, let’s be real, moments of utter agony, that I’ve experienced. Those scars, though…I now see they simply add to my internal beauty. Scars that I wouldn’t hide for anything because they’ve made me everything I am in this moment. And I am no longer somebody who hides away.

You see, over these last months, I’ve been hurt. A few times. There are fresh scars.

But the thing is, when you’ve been shattered, pain becomes relative. You understand it will always be there. There will always be new opportunities for life to dish out pain. And yet, nothing will ever hurt you like the time when catastrophe struck and rocked you to your core.

You become bulletproofed, in a way.

Here’s the thing, which really is quite magical now, nobody will ever offer me the same profoundly deep wound that the father of my child delivered. The level of hurt that occurs from the person who helped you create a family together, when he cast the final blow, thereby destroying it, will be unparalleled for the rest of my life.

So for him, and for that, I am grateful. Because I can now live free. I can allow myself to be as vulnerable as I want because no matter what discomfort occurs along the way, I know I will come out on the other side stronger than I was before. And I have no doubt because I’ve come back from much, much worse.

The coolest thing about where I’m at though? It’s that I’m done begging. I seek understanding, of course. But I’m not going to beg somebody to see me. I see me. And if you aren’t in the position to, I fully understand that isn’t about me. Because I no longer question my worth. I know I’m enough.

The right people will see that in me, also. And it’ll take no convincing. They’ll just know. The relationship will be effortless. My friendships feel this way. And someday a romantic relationship will, too.

I’m no longer in the position where I have to try to jam square pegs in round holes. My outlook on life has completely changed…

Oh! Just listen to this for a moment! You know what’s incredibly interesting? I took a personality test recently and when I got the results at the end, I had the option to email them to myself. When I input my email address, I received a notification that I already had an account. Hmm, I suppose at some point in my past, I took the same test! Well! As a sucker for data, I quickly figured out how to log into my old account and found my previous results.

And then my mind was blown. My personality has actually completely changed. The first time I took the test, at some point during my married past, I was classified as an introvert. This time, though? I classified as an extrovert. I had already felt that change within but to see it in black and white was seriously deep. I live out loud now. My whole approach to life has undergone a 180.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? The way we choose to look at things defines everything. I feel my energy. I know I’m glowing. And it’s been a mere 9 months and 9 days since everything in my world ceased to exist as I knew it. The growth has been exponential.

So, bring it on. Life is an adventure and I’m here to live it fully and authentically, no matter what that means. My decisions may cause some discomfort, and even downright annoyance, to those who care about me, and I appreciate their beautiful and logical minds. For me, though, in order to live the authentic life I so desire, my heart will always prevail.

At any cost.

Which is why my next blog will be written once I’ve arrived in Ouray, after driving through a snowstorm at midnight to get there. In my front wheel drive Mini Cooper. And honestly, I’m super excited about that adventure.

I will not shy away from something I want because the road to it has the potential to be a little precarious…even risky.

I’m here to chase my heart’s desires and live on the edge. Daring. Real. Full of life and adventure. I may not have a clue how anything will end but, to me, there’s no other way to truly live with authenticity. And I’m here to live a very authentic life.

life, love

Eyes Wide Open

A Graceful Catastrophe

Since I’ve come home from Greece, I have felt unsettled. Apathetic. No desire to be here. Last night, a shift occurred. I’m starting to get my mindset right again. It started in the afternoon, when I had an appointment to get my lashes refilled by my dear friend (self-care people, it’s a thing!). She’s fallen off the exercise wagon and wants to get back on it. I’ve been eating (and drinking) my feelings for a solid 2 weeks and am up more pounds than I’d like to admit. We made a plan to be one another’s accountability partners. So, now I have to care. I am her support system.

That’s one.

My business brings me so much true joy. I worked 7 days in a row this week – and enjoyed every second. I adore the families I work for and am grateful I get to spend my days laughing with my kids. “My kids.” Because my students all become “my kids.” I genuinely love them. And my families. They become my family. And I become theirs. I’m their advocates both in school and at home. I want to protect them and push them and see them flourish. And my heart swells with pride when they succeed. I’ve never had more satisfaction earning an income than I do now. It’s wonderful. I want to care. I am their support system.

That’s two.

Over the weekend, my daughter and I went to the movies. We saw Frozen 2. The amount of tears I shed during that movie should’ve left me dehydrated. Guys, those songs!! They were written for me. It’s like the writers lived inside my head. I swear it. Just read some of these lyrics:

  • “…deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? Every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow. Don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go… Into the unknown?”
  • “I don’t know anymore what is true, I can’t find my direction… Just do the next right thing. Take a step, step again. It is all that I can do to do…the next right thing.” 
  • “So I’ll walk through this night. Stumbling blindly toward the light. And do the next right thing.”
  • “I won’t look too far ahead. It’s too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath. This next step. This next choice is the one that I can make.”

Aren’t those lyrics just everything?

So, yeah. I cried. The. Whole. Movie. And my girl? Goodness, nobody understands how to love me better than her.

She just gets me! She’d look over at me every now and then, and notice the tears silently streaming down my face. Every single time, she just kissed my cheek, held me tighter, and rubbed my arm. She said nothing. Just gave a quick kiss, then went back to the movie, while holding me tight and always rubbing my arm. Once, she offered me a new napkin because mine was destroyed. She noticed. Another time, she offered me popcorn. Because…well, food. But she never made it a big deal. Just kissed my cheek and turned back to the movie.

Afterwards, she didn’t ask any questions. She just loved me. In her own way. Which happens to be my way, too. She is literally the best, most insightful human. And she’s 9. (I remember asking my ex once, “How does our daughter understand how to love me and you don’t?” I think she was 7 at the time… Oh, hindsight, you devil, you.) I care about her more than anything else in the world. I am her support system – and she is mine.

That’s three.

And guys, there are so many more reasons to get my mindset right. To spend my moments intentionally. To enjoy this life that I am living right now and in this space.

Maintaining a consistently focused and intentional mindset is challenging. Even exhausting, at times. It takes commitment, and then re-commitment. I haven’t been in a healthy place since I came back from Greece. My time there was incredibly powerful. It fundamentally changed me in so many ways. I became re-energized and filled with a radiance I hadn’t felt…well, perhaps ever.

And then I came home.

Where life just all of a sudden felt so unimpressive. After the soul-searching journey and re-awakening that had just taken place, I came home to feeling like everything was just a little “less.” I wanted, no – desired – with every cell of my being, to feel what I had in Greece. It was everything. It was magical. It was surreal. And yet, it was ever so incredibly real.

So, yeah, my mindset sucked. I still felt vibrant and more whole and filled with love (self-love, that is) than ever, but I was feeling so unfulfilled. I didn’t feel like this was enough anymore. I had this strangely overwhelming need to leave. After experiencing the significant transformation in Greece, I became wholly dissatisfied with this life.

It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t magical. Or surreal.

But only because I’d decided it wasn’t any of those things.

This world we live in is painted by our thoughts. So, if my thoughts are constantly telling me that this isn’t enough. That I want more. That more is out there…then what kind of world am I living in now???

Well, for a while, one where I was eating all my feelings and drinking every night. Disappointed with the world before me.

Until last night.

When I remembered that’s not who I am. Not anymore, at least. Emotions guide me, sure. But they don’t control me. And yet, I let them.

And then I made the decision to grow up. This is my life. I am here. And it is truly a wonderful life. So, I made the conscious decision to embrace everything that is in front of me, rather than pine away over what I couldn’t have.

So now, here, I honor my emotions. And I release them. And I remind myself that the journey is beautiful.

I’m a dreamer. I want to look ahead and turn my dreams into plans. And at the same time, I’ve never been more certain that those plans just don’t matter. Everything can change in the span of a breath.

And it does. It will. Time and time again. That’s part of the journey. But just like sweet Olaf said in the movie, there is one constant. One thing never changes. And that is love.

Loving another, being filled with real emotions, being vulnerable with another…that is living authentically. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Does it hurt when it ends? Yep. Of course. But feeling the depths of those beautiful emotions is never a waste of time. I’d do it all over again. I will do it all over again.

There’s something so graceful in living – and loving – uninhibited and feeling every single emotion that washes over you. There is beauty in pain. Because you get the opportunity to grow. And really, isn’t that just wonderful? I want to keep growing and changing and absorbing everything I can to make myself a better human every single day. And you can’t grow without being challenged.

So, bring it on, world. Challenge me. Hurt me, even. Because then, and only then, I grow stronger. My fire flames brighter. I become more colorful. And so does the world around me.

After my workout this morning, one of my friends from the gym asked me how I handled the grief after finding out what my ex had done. Did I eat and gain a ton of weight? With him, I didn’t. Because I just didn’t eat. I couldn’t. I was physically ill for a long time and couldn’t even look at food. With another “breakup” of sorts, though, all I’ve done is eat.

How we handle our grief varies not only from person to person, but from our own personal experiences, too. How we handle one transition may be completely different than how we handle another. No grief ever feels the same. How our hearts handle each ending is unique.

But no matter how we choose to handle it, it’s the right way. I told my friend to allow herself some grace. It’s so soon that every way she’s choosing to react is appropriate. The fact, though, that she’s beginning to question how she’s reacting means that she’s perhaps ready to change how she’s handling her grief.

It’s all fluid. How I was handling my sadness since arriving back stateside has shifted. Because I was ready for it to shift. I had my good, cathartic cry at Frozen 2, several great conversations with some girlfriends, focused in on the good of my world, and then found the ability to shift my mindset. I needed to re-frame my reality. And so I did. It took me 2 weeks to get there, but when I was ready, I shifted. I felt it internally. And I couldn’t have forced it. I had to ride that wave out until I finally landed in calmer waters.

They’re there, you know. The calm. Sometimes you have to weather an incredible storm, or a short torrential downpour, but when you’re ready to look up and through the gray, the break in the storm is just ahead of you.

You just have to be ready – and willing – to see it.

It’s beautiful. The world each of us lives in. It’s fulfilling. And exciting. And full of adventures. And love.

It’s all there. Right in front of each one of us… That is, once we decide to open our eyes to it and shift our perspectives to see the abundance.

So here I am. Again. Re-set. And enjoying the view. With eyes wide open.

And I hope you are, too.

life, love

Today is Thursday

A Graceful Catastrophe

Today I will eat a Greek salad. And perhaps a couple eggs… My biggest decision will be whether I scramble them or cook them over easy. And I’ll definitely drink some wine and Sprite. I made sure to buy two bottles of white wine to make sure I’d have enough to drink during lunch and dinner. And again at 3:34 because, I mean, why not? *shrug*

And I’ll spend the day, hopefully mostly content, solo, and editing my favorite pictures from Greece.

It should be a good Thursday.

I’ve been filled with gratitude since the moment I left for Greece and this full heart feeling hasn’t lessened even a little bit in the last 14 days. I don’t expect to need a day to show my gratitude. Not this year. Recently, I’ve been hyper-aware of all that I have in my life. Because everything I had changed just over 8 months ago. So, I’ve been given the beautiful gift of perspective. And with this perspective, intense gratitude for what I do have.

So, today is Thursday. A day to spend in more quiet reflection. Showing gratitude for my world as it is today. Aaaaaaaannnddd (I just can’t stop, Billy…) eating a delicious Greek salad, as a way to pay homage to what I am most grateful for today. My solo trip, the time spent in Greece, was life altering. If you knew me 10 months ago, and you still know me today, you’ll understand the intensity of my gratitude for what occurred last week.

It’s mind blowing, really. How that short period of time changed everything for me.

Time…it’s a funny thing.

  • Only time will tell.
  • Time heals all wounds.
  • In the nick of time.
  • Lost track of time.
  • Lasted an eternity.
  • Just a matter of time.
  • A waste of time.
  • Time flies.
  • The time of my life.
  • “Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” – Theophrastus

You get the point.

We have all these phrases and quotes about time, how we abuse it, how it heals, how all will be understood…in time.

Eight and a half months ago feels like an eternity. For me, it was quite literally a lifetime ago. I was married, though unhappily, and going to family dinner parties, doing couple-y things, and feeling lonelier than ever despite having a “partner” by my side.

Today, I am comfortable alone, confident in who I am. I have huge goals and even bigger plans. I am finally living this life for me.

Don’t get that last line wrong. It’s not selfish, though it sounds that way. The way I am choosing to spend my time today is giving my daughter a wonderful example of being adventurous while also living a disciplined life. She sees me making exercising a priority, she knows I write (and now we even sometimes write together, her, in awe of my fast clicking, as I type sentence after sentence, turning paragraphs into pages), and she is proud of me for facing my fears and traveling alone. She used to have so much fear and now she asks me if she may study abroad in middle school.

Everything I have ever done since I found out I was pregnant was with her in mind. For a while after I found out about my ex’s infidelity and the extent of the betrayal, I was simply in survival mode, and really thought about nothing other than how in the world I was going to take my next breath.

Now, though, enough time has passed. My heart has healed. As it turns out, my time in Greece was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to finally be at peace.

Before March of this year, the longest I was single since I was 17 (21 years ago!), was for about 4 months. I had been in a committed relationship for my entire adult life. Not only that, I’d been committed to two men who stifled my vivacity, my sparkle…even my sense of humor.

Guys, I never thought I was funny. I wasn’t the funny one.

In the last 4 or 5 months, do you know how many times I’ve made people laugh? Do you know how many times people have told me that I’m funny?! I don’t think there’s a better compliment for me. Well, right now, at least. My ex is the funny one. No, was the funny one. He’s loud and the center of any party. By his side, I was dull. I had no personality – unless I drank. I had to have alcoholic beverages simply to be comfortable in group settings when I was with him. Now, alone and away from him, and for so many reasons, I sparkle.

Ahh, guys! I am funny! (Sometimes it just hits me… This is really me. *laughing*)

This was a part of my personality that I didn’t even know existed. Seriously. And it’s now a pretty significant part of who I am, I think. I make people laugh. Do you know how good that feels? Only this time that I’ve had to myself was able to bring that out of me. There is so much to who I am today that didn’t exist 9 months ago.

Without this journey, my true self would’ve never been actualized. I would still be living day to day thinking I had no sense of humor or needing to have a drink in order to feel comfortable in my own skin. Ugh, how terribly sad is that?!

I’ve been single for 256 days now.

And I’ve finally reached a point where it feels so good to be “unattached.” My ex and I were texting yesterday, and he asked if I could take our daughter on his weekend so he could go on a couple dates. Well, I haven’t seen her in about a million years, so of course! And, I told him I’d take her any weekend of his that he wanted because I’m not dating and have no desire to anytime soon.

His response? “Well, you can’t live like that.”

Umm, yes I can! *laughing*

Is it our culture that creates this false narrative? We have to be in a relationship in order to be happy? Today, in this moment, I am happier than I have been in years. Perhaps even, in the entirety of my adulthood. And I’m single. Who would’ve thought I would ever be happy without having to rely on somebody else to validate me?? My whole world just feels like it blew wide open again. But this time, in such a good way.

I have goals to achieve. Huge goals. And a pretty strict timeline to hit them in. I don’t have the time to be with somebody, really. Especially one that doesn’t add value to my life and help me grow, pushing me to actualize all my potential. New relationships are hard. And they take time and effort to develop properly.

Time…it’s precious.

And I just found out who I am! I want to sit in this space and relish that for a moment. Happily alone.

But…I’m not really alone. I’m surrounded by the most wonderful community. I may be single, but I have never felt less alone. During my marriage…oof. That loneliness was the worst. I’d rather be single and have moments of loneliness than be in a “partnership” and feel lonely with someone who is right there by my side.

Which brings me to today. Thursday. Okay, it’s not just a normal Thursday. It’s Thanksgiving day. And I’m alone. But I’m not lonely.

I had many invitations to be with my friends. My community. Yet, I’m choosing to be in the quiet space of my house, appreciating the fact that I am alone.

I used to feel so uncomfortable being by myself. It was lonely. I needed the attention from others to make me feel like I was worthy of taking up space in this world.

My word, I was someone else entirely and it literally makes me sit here and shake my head to reflect on who I was compared to who I am.

Today, I am strong, capable, and enough. I am quite content in my own solitude. I don’t need to be around anyone else to feel happy.

Time gave me this gift.

Well, time, coupled with intensive counseling sessions with the most incredible therapist, a community of strong women and men who’ve always been there to lift me up, and traveling alone was the icing on the cake. I came back refreshed and re-energized.

I came back me.

Time itself is truly a gift. While in Greece, I stopped in this jewelry shop. I had read in a travel blog that this was the place to go and buy your jewelry. So, I navigated to it and when I walked in, there were only women working there. Strong, beautiful women. One of the women came up to me and started chatting with me about the different pieces of jewelry. When we came to the display case with rings that used watch mechanisms as the central focus, I knew immediately that was the piece I had to have.

My time in Greece was transformative. And this was my last day, my last 12 hours left in that beautiful country. I knew when I saw it, the symbolism was far too great to walk away from. A piece of jewelry made of time to represent this time of my life that had become so precious to me. The piece I ended up choosing happened to be this wonderful woman’s favorite ring, but, for whatever reason, it didn’t work for her. But it worked for me. *smile* When I told her that was the one I wanted, she was so happy for me and immediately gave me the best hug. That ring was waiting for me. That jewelry store was also. I was meant to meet those women.

And here’s the funny thing. This wasn’t the store from the travel blog. I had to leave the store for some hours and return again for my darling ring. As I was navigating back to the store from my hotel, I ended up at a different jewelry store by the same name. As I walked up to that shop, a man was sitting inside, and everything was different. I simply stopped in front of it, rather confused, and said aloud, “Oh.”

I was so startled there were two distinct shops by the same name.

I found my bearings and walked the 10 or so minutes to my jewelry shop, the one with the strong women I’d connected with, the one with my ring, that symbolized so much for me. I strongly believe in energy and the universe took me to that jewelry shop instead of the one I’d initially intended on going to. I said it before…I was meant to meet those women.

They became a significant part of my journey. Their time was a gift for me. Their powerful presence and enlightening and positive conversation, it all filled my soul. I will carry these women in my heart and can’t wait to take my daughter back to meet them.

Strong women have been my guiding force since last March. I know now that I can live this life without a man by my side. But I could never spend my time without my community of dynamic and amazing women.

So, on this Thanksgiving day, which happens to simply be Thursday for me, I am writing this with a heart that’s been overwhelmed with gratitude since last week. I don’t need a day to remind me to focus on all the things I’m thankful for this year. Some years past, this time was a necessary reminder to slow down and give thanks. But this year? My heart has been full since November 15 and steadily stretching until now, when I think it just may burst.

Without this time, every single minute of these last 256 days, and all the ways I’ve chosen to spend them, I would not be exactly who I am today.

And so, today more than ever, I am grateful for the luxurious gift that is time and for the influential and beautiful community of women in my life. You are my tribe and no amount of time or space could ever separate us. You’ve proven that.

From feeling like nothing to knowing that I’m everything, from wanting to be out of the country on this significant holiday to being quite content with only my pups by side, this Thursday is going to be a great one.

I hope your heart is filled today, also, no matter where you are or what today means to you. After all, it’s only Thursday.

life

Like A Bull in a China Shop

A Graceful Catastrophe

** I wrote this blog 2 days ago, on a note taking app on my phone, because I was staying in a remote village in northern Greece and had no WiFi to publish it. So, I updated it by striking through the original time references. **

Life is a journey. Duh.

Okay, fine. Sure. But, let’s explore that a minute. First, let’s define “journey.” Merriam Webster’s online dictionary says, “something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another.”

I’ve been saying, in my writing, that this has been a journey for me. I’ve been moving through time, my mindset passing from one stage to the next. So, sure, a journey. I’ve oftentimes referred to it as a roller coaster ride. Or to that of riding the wave. Today’s analogy is a bit different.

Eight months ago, I was drowning. I was doing everything and anything to keep the flood of emotions from bringing me down. It didn’t matter, though. For a while, they still did. And then, every now and then, I’d come up for a breath before being completely washed over by them again.

This phase lasted a really long time. Well, it felt like it, at least.

Then, after so much exhausting and draining hard work, I was finally ashore. I’d made it through the initial chaos. I thought I was in a great place then! I felt happier. I felt like everything was leveling out, in a way.

But, thanks to constant self-reflection, I realized that wasn’t quite right, either. I wasn’t quite on the other side of this whole catastrophe yet.

Today A couple days ago, I realized I’ve been living quite like a bull in a china shop this whole time. I just did. If I wanted it, I pursued it, bought it, did it, you fill in the verb. I thought I was this strong, empowered woman. Look at me!! I can do anything!

Well, yep. True. I am.

It just doesn’t mean that I should.

Oof. That was major today the other day. I physically felt the change in my being. Honestly. And that realization came from a moment with my photographers where, to be quite frank, my actions were entirely disrespectful. Though, obviously, completely unintentional. That doesn’t matter, though. I was still careless and thoughtless. Definitely not one of my best moments. *sigh* (That one is a self-reflective sigh, Billy, rather than a content one, but still good.)

While on this trip, I’ve learned more than I can even begin to process, I think. So, let’s just chat for a moment about what led up to this great epiphany.

Lesson of the day: Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.

We all live life through our own lenses, further masked by our own unique filters.

The way we communicate – what is said and what is heard, passes through these first. The speaker delivers the message in a certain way based on personal history. The listener receives the information, interpreting, acknowledging, and responding based on their own backgrounds, without even realizing that is what is happening. (It’s truly a wonder how anyone effectively communicates!)

Let me explain, in detail, so you may understand. Today The other day, we visited a gorge. A gorgeous gorge, if you will. *wink* I was told to be careful.

Okay. Got it.

Well, my interpretation of being careful was slightly different than that of my cautious Greek guides. You see, there was this short wall, a deliberate divide between life and death. Of course, I wasn’t going to walk all along it, or even dangle my legs on the other side. That’d just be absurd!  But, sitting on it felt perfectly safe. To me. I was steady. So I did it. Their definition, as it turns out, was for me to keep my feet firmly planted on life’s side, not balancing on the edge between life and death…as was mine. I’ve grown quite comfortable living in that space and didn’t think twice about it.

But here’s what got to me. I didn’t see their perspective. Never even thought about it. I knew what I felt comfortable with and went with that.

But I forgot a very important detail. It’s not all about me. While on this workshop, I am their responsibility. They are in charge of my safety. And I complicated that for them. Ugh.

I think that I had lived with such a healthy dose of fear for so long that when catastrophe struck my home…my heart, my pendulum swung to the extreme. If I can do it, I’m going to do it. And I can do anything. So…bull in a china shop.

Yeah, that’s not exactly the best philosophy. *facepalm*

Respecting another means meeting somebody where he or she is at, not where you think they should be. I needed this reminder today. And I appreciate the lesson.

Both Billy and Chris called me out on this, each in their own way. That’s so important. I find that I’m surrounding myself more and more with people who aren’t afraid of challenging me. Of holding me to a higher standard. Of calling me out, kindly and through thoughtful conversation, when my behavior needs checked.

I knew I was coming for a photography workshop…who knew I’d be walking away with such a meaningful lesson from them, too.

I got slightly chastised, in the kindest of ways, for disrespecting nature and boundaries. From my perspective, that was not my intention, of course. I’d never be outright disrespectful to such kindhearted individuals or to sweet Mother Nature. I didn’t see anything wrong with sitting on that wall – because I understood my boundaries and felt safe. However, in situations such as these, I’m learning that you should go with the least common denominator, so to speak. They were less comfortable, they’re in charge of my safety, they have a vastly different perspective based on their knowledge of what has taken place at that gorge (and plenty of tragedies have occurred there). I never took the time to look at it from their eyes. I lacked true compassion and understanding in that moment. And that makes me quite sad.

After today’s little reprimand (I mean, it wasn’t even a reprimand, really. Just that awareness was given.), I see things a bit differently. I feel that my pendulum is coming back towards center. Thankfully.

I learned, today yessssterday (B & C understand this… Okay, it wasn’t yesterday anymore, but I have to leave this one. *hahaha* ), that properly respecting another, even nature, is to consider a perspective other than your own. Sometimes, you have to switch your lens, look past the filter that’s masking your view, and take a moment to pause and really study what’s going on in front of you before acting.

The lessons just keep coming, and I think it’s because my spirit is truly open to it all. The peace within is growing exponentially.

And the more peace I get, the more inconsequential other aspects of my life become. The things that matter to me, right now in this moment, are: my daughter and her journey, rocking my business, really opening my heart and truly living with authentic grace, and my newfound love for solo travel.

There’s no bull there.

It’s time to calm it down. Just breathe through these moments. Sigh those happy, contented sighs that I do when all is right in my world (Because it’s all good.).

I’m not going to be a bull in a china shop any longer. Yes, of course I can do everything and anything I choose. But that’s not the point. The real lesson here is, I shouldn’t, despite the fact that I can.

It’s time to incorporate a little caution into my life. Embrace the pause. Consider the perspectives of those around me. Because they matter. Especially when I respect and love them. I don’t want to be in a position again where I inadvertently disrespect someone because I don’t even think to show compassion. If I slow down, just a smidge, I can really take a moment and think about how my actions will make another feel.

All I want is to add value in others’ lives. And it’s difficult to do that when you’re behaving like a bull in a china shop. One of the characteristics I find the most admirable is the ability to pause and utilize boundaries. When you’re teetering on the edge of life and death, literally and figuratively, it’s hard to consider anything other than your current situation. And that is totally valid. That space is but momentary. One shouldn’t linger there, I think. That’s far too volatile of a way of living. So, now that I am able to find that balance again, or at least head towards it, I can remember to take a nice breath and then enjoy the pause in that moment.

I suppose old habits die hard. Though I am no longer teetering, my feet aren’t quite firmly planted yet. They’re getting there, though. And as Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.”

And after these 6 magical days, I do know better.

This has been so much more than a photography workshop. I’m leaving with more than merely knowledge and skills from all the hands-on photography lessons from two absolutely incredibly talented photographers. I’ve learned how to take a proper landscape photo, and even how to take a killer pano, aaaaannnnnnddddd (*wink*) I’ve learned countless other priceless lessons.

This solo travel trip has also given me the realization that Greek is definitely the sexiest language I’ve ever heard spoken and my photographers have an incredible ability to lull me to sleep with their melodic and soothing conversation (I think I lasted 5 minutes on any given road trip before I was laying down and out cold for a nap). And after the daily Greek language lessons and immersion, I’m even walking away with a few phrases that I’ll be incorporating into my life back home (and will be learning more, for sure).

From meaningful life lessons and deep philosophical conversations, to daily Greek language lessons (I’ll figure out oxi one day!), and finally to even the tiniest of details like mastering the fine art of taking a proper sniff, as Billy says about their workshops, “We are an open school.”

And that is absolutely no exaggeration.

I can credit my Greeks with giving me the necessary info to change. I’m done living the frantic lifestyle of being a bull in a china shop. My spirit is at peace. I don’t need anymore bull in my life.

Now that I’ve decided to remove the bull filter, it’s so much easier to see that every moment in our lives is an opportunity to learn and, therefore, to grow. We just have to be willing to see it, reflect on it, and then put in the hard work.

There are some things that have now been firmly rooted in my being. Like the knowledge that I am strong, capable, and enough. And, more importantly, I now know that there is further strength in the restraint. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.


life, love

What Catastrophe

A Graceful Catastrophe

This journey is interesting. Life, in general, is simply unpredictable chaos. I am learning how to “ride the wave,” to “roll with the punches,” to try desperately to “keep from drowning” and hold my “head above the water”, fighting fiercely to keep my wits about me as I am buckled into this roller coaster, gripping the handles so tightly that my knuckles are white, just so that I don’t fall out, crashing and spiraling back to the ground.

All of the idioms fit. *chuckles*

I’ve come so far in the nearly 6 months since I first found out about my ex’s mountains of betrayals. And I can honestly say that I am finally rising above the catastrophe that the email I received on St. Patrick’s Day sparked. I find that I am being more intentional with whom I am seeking connection and conversation. I’m being drawn to people who challenge me in a multitude of ways, but mostly who challenge my mind. My responses are respectfully questioned, forcing me to analyze that which I feel strongly about, to justify why I think it, or to finally decide that my thoughts are flawed and I ought to re-evaluate my opinions. In short, these people are helping me to grow, to become a better me, and to better understand exactly who I am.

While it’s incredibly difficult, and at times exhausting, it’s refreshing. My ex-husband didn’t push me to be a better person. We didn’t have the deep and meaningful conversation that prompted the levels of introspection necessary to increase self-awareness and achieve personal growth. We didn’t live in the type of safe place, filled with mutual respect, where he could kindly call me out and help me consider different perspectives. Our relationship was volatile, our communication dismal. We just weren’t good partners for one another and I think a lot of that is because we weren’t good for ourselves.

This is a problem I never want to have again. Wait, let me re-word that. This is a problem I will never have again. So I am choosing to continue pursuing opportunities and connections that will help me to not only continue to heal my soul, but to also grow emotionally.

I came into our relationship with a lot of baggage. And so did he. We both still have our baggage but I can say mine is getting easier to carry. I am understanding myself in ways I never have before. And I can feel a different type of deep peace within. Guys, it’s incredible to live without the weight of all those bricks that have been piled on me for decades…for far longer than just my ex being in my life. For the most part, I feel quite calm, which is at the same time exhilarating, because I cannot recall the last time I felt this level of composed tranquility.

Sure, sometimes life gets stressful – and heavy – but I’m learning to see it all in a different perspective and I haven’t been lingering in that negative space like I used to. I am so much stronger – in mind, body, and spirit – and, therefore, far healthier now. If life gets heavy, I have the strength and ability to climb back up out of the trenches much quicker than before. I just see things differently. I feel things with far less drama than I once did. And the most important lesson I’ve learned over the last 6 months is that “it” isn’t about me. I very rarely hear the self-defeating, negative self-talk anymore. Now, more often than not, I shrug my shoulders and understand it’s “not my circus,” as the saying goes.

The way I am intentionally choosing to live isn’t exactly easy, but it isn’t hard, either. It’s a choice. A conscious decision. And that, is the hardest part. Sometimes, a lot of times, it’s so easy to simply react to what life throws at us, to snap back at another, whose words or actions trigger us, to respond carelessly and thoughtlessly. It just happened again today, with my ex, of course. But it wasn’t as bad as it was, say, 3 months ago. So, I guess that’s progress.

But none of that is classy. Or graceful. Since the beginning of this journey, that has been my ultimate goal. And it feels like I take 1 step forward, then 2 steps back again. Yet, I’m constantly reflecting. I’m working on “the pause.” (I suck at it, but I’m working on it.) I am becoming more aware of tiny shifts within – I feel the changes occurring so quickly that it’s like I blink and I’m somebody slightly different than I once was. I have hope that one day, I will be able to mostly control my behavior – especially when I am triggered.

To choose to live authentically and intentionally means that the road is going to be a challenging one. But it’s so worth it. I read a line from an Instagram post by createthelove that hit home – especially because of where my life is today. He said, “when space is created in our lives, it allows other people and experiences to enter. Your greatest moments are waiting, you just need to let go of the ones which have already passed.”

Which is why it’s pointless for me to continue allowing myself to be triggered by my ex. For what? His actions have created a space that I am now grateful for, one where I have experienced more personal growth than I ever could’ve had with him by my side. I now have a life where I can focus on that personal growth, on chasing experiences that will simultaneously fill my soul and open my eyes to realities I never knew could exist. I have opportunity now. And more time and energy to purse those experiences that come with this newfound opportunity.

But I’m trying to be careful now. I quite strongly believe that the energy you put out into the universe is exactly what will be returned back to you.

Intentionality. Grace. Class. Love. Authenticity.

That’s what I want to project out there, regardless of how another treats me. I want to practice it so frequently that it becomes imprinted on my soul and becomes as natural as breathing.

Another Instagram post that hit home is from mindfulmft. Vienna Pharaon said, “ask yourself this: Is what I’m about to say or do going to lead me to peace or suffering? (and then adjust accordingly)” She then went on to say, “We either move towards suffering or we move towards peace. We move towards chaos or we move towards freedom. We move towards pain or we move towards healing. This or that.”

Simple. This. Or that.

We have the choice. I have the choice. Do I want to bring this into my life, or that? I know one thing for certain – I want to live as an example for my daughter, and anyone else who happens to be watching, as someone who makes the conscious decision to chase peace and healing, and to pursue the freedom that comes with being in complete control of my actions and, my biggest struggle, my reactions.

I owe that to all my relationships, present and future.

This journey has been far from simple. There have been moments where I literally didn’t know how I would be capable of taking my next breath. The pain was undefinable. The destruction catastrophic.

But looking back, now with a bit of distance, I can see the bigger picture. It’s not the destruction I thought it was when it was merely inches from my face. Perhaps I don’t have a bird’s eye view quite yet, but from this distance, I see that my ex’s actions started a chain reaction that actually cleared my path, allowing the sun to fully shine down, erasing the shadows I once lived beneath. And now? I’m lifting my face to the glorious light, allowing the healing warmth to flood my soul, as I feel serenity and contentment slowly replace anger and anguish.

Personal growth can be painful. But for right now, it mostly feels like freedom.

My shell cracked on March 17, 2019 at 6:08 pm. Over the next several months, everything spilled out. I felt utterly destroyed. Now, 3 days shy of 6 months later, I understand that it wasn’t destruction. It was freedom. And now, I am blooming.
life, love

Nailing the Heck Out of Life

A Graceful Catastrophe

Each and every blog I’ve written has been written in the raw moments of the intense emotions storming inside of me. I haven’t filtered my pain. I’ve been open and vulnerable to the blank page before me – and to all of you.

As a verbal processor, it has helped me work through whatever emotions I was feeling at the moment and by the end of each blog, I’ve, for the most part, felt better.

But once I’ve written them, I let them go. I haven’t gone back and read any of my blogs.

Until tonight, that is.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to, really. But for some reason, I’ve been in this challenging head-space lately. It’s even gotten to the point where it’s affecting my workouts, which has been super frustrating. Something has to change. I have to get my mindset right again.

So tonight, I decided to read the first few blogs, from the beginning. And you know what? I am not that person anymore. I’ve felt the change. I’ve known that I’ve blossomed into this different woman. But reading how I thought I should’ve behaved immediately afterwards blows my mind.

I needed to look back in order to move forward and I’m grateful I have the opportunity to do just that, thanks to these blogs.

Back then, I wanted to choose to act with class and to give my ex the grace he didn’t deserve. That was important to me. In those first weeks, that turned into that first month, I was hoping to be an example for my daughter in how you deal with pain. And I thought there was a “right” way to show her how it all should be processed.

I no longer believe that.

I have absolutely yelled at my ex in front of her. I have gotten angry and frustrated and slammed doors with such intensity that I thought perhaps I’d broken them. (I haven’t.)

But I haven’t punched a wall again. So, that’s a win. *smile*

Because I promise you that I have wanted to. So. Many. Times.

And I don’t think it’s wrong to show my daughter that a person can feel such intense anger. It’s real life. For years now, she has experienced the exact same intense anger where she yells – no, screams – at the top of her lungs and throws things and wants to shred things with her teeth and her little fists ball up and she shakes and she just wants an outlet…just like me when I get mad at her daddy. And then, when her anger subsides, her and I discuss it. Calmly. Rationally. And we hug it out.

Now, I don’t hug it out with my ex, but I do apologize to my daughter when she sees me get that angry. And she understands. Because she has that emotion, too.

I’m at a point now where I really don’t care about giving my ex grace or treating him in any special way for my daughter. He’s just there, the father of my daughter, and someone I have to interact with to go over the details of her life. At this point, it doesn’t need to be anything more than that. Calm and civil co-parenting is the current goal. Perhaps someday in the future, we’ll be friends. For now, I’m just not ready yet. Sasha Sloan says it best in her song Ready Yet:

 I just want the bad feelings to end
But there's some shit I can't forget
I don't think I'm ready yet
Hit me up another time
Maybe one day I'll change my mind
You know that I just wanna be your friend again
But there's some shit I can't forget
I don't think I'm ready yet

Too much has happened, too much has been said, so many ridiculously challenging moments have been had in the last 5 months for me to think like I did in those first few weeks after receiving the email.

And he’s surely not as filled with humility like he was at the beginning, either. Which has been challenging for me to deal with, though, I am starting to be able to let that go. So, my daughter sees a vast array of emotions. And we talk about them. I’ve been really quite sad the last couple days. And she barely acknowledges my tears anymore. Not out of a lack of empathy, because she is such a compassionate and sweet soul. But more because she is so used to it. She kind of looks at me sweetly, but then carries on with whatever she was doing in the moment. Because it’s normal.

Emotions are normal. Feeling sad or angry is normal. Feeling happy and laughing is normal. I’m showing her that it’s okay to feel whatever it is she’s feeling. It’s all exactly as it should be.

And maybe that’s a much more valuable lesson?

Through natural conversation, the topic of future step-parents being in her life was brought up. I told her that I would never bring a step-dad into her life that wasn’t an exceptional human…that didn’t cherish both her and I. I told her that if someone were to be a part of our lives like that, it’s because he’d be out of this world and nothing less. And she smiled. And then, with a smirk, she reminded me of her one requirement, that she stated *I think* the day we told her we were separating, or within the first few days, at least. She wants to call her future step-daddy (and step-mommy) “Poopy Head.” I told her that if someone were to be in our lives playing such an important role, he’d absolutely be someone with a sense of humor and would have no problems with his new nickname. And she giggled.

I think these kinds of conversations are healthy and needed – and significant. They are never forced and come about only when she asks questions. I think, a necessary part of giving someone grace, is turning a blind eye to what they did. I don’t want my daughter to ever deny her emotions in order to make someone else feel less rotten about themselves. I am not sorry for my emotions. And I don’t try to hide them. Throughout this whole process, I’ve been an open book. And she has seen me process and battle all along the way.

So this week that she has been with me, she has seen her fair share of my sadness. And we’ve shared happy moments, as well. For example, when she asked me yesterday if I’d gotten any new clients yet, and I told her I had, she got so excited for me. And she was proud of me because it’s this early in the school year and I already have new clients. And, on a different day, she asked me about my day before I even had a chance to ask her about her’s. She cares. She’s thoughtful, She’s so considerate and kind.

It’s been over 5 months since her daddy and I split and just about 2 months since she’s been going back and forth in between two homes. And, while she still has moments where she asks why we can’t get back together (where I honestly respond that there are some things you just can’t come back from, and she seems satisfied with that answer thus far), she is a resilient little soul who is doing just fine. Despite seeing her mommy’s raw emotions. Or maybe it’s in spite of them.

She is thriving. And so am I.

And as I wrote that last sentence, I smiled. Because I believe it again. I haven’t felt it for a few days now. I just haven’t felt right within my world. I think looking back at those first few initial blogs helped me achieve the perspective I needed. I’ve come a long way. And yes, I have a long way to go. Significant personal growth continues to lie ahead in my future. And, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I have undergone a monumental transformation over the last 157 days.

I really enjoy who I am now, especially when the clouds part from overhead and I can see myself clearly. Fearless. Authentic. And ready to explore all the possibilities that now lie along my path.

You know, writing is the most incredible outlet for me. I started this blog tonight feeling so defeated and just kind of beat up. Writing reminded me that my daughter is both healthy and rocking the heck out of her life. She is thrilled about the adventures on her path. She is getting braver (she just told me she wants to be an actress, which is huge, because she’s always been so shy!) and I am going to take a bit of that credit. She is seeing her mama live fearlessly and chase down opportunities that once scared me silent. And she wants to do the same.

So, it’s been just a bit more than 5 months since catastrophe struck our home, and I am now able to clearly see that my daughter and I are absolutely nailing the heck out of this life we’ve been thrown into.