I felt the need to be quiet… I just noticed that I haven’t written in almost a month.
And this is the first month where the 17th came and went. Completely unnoticed. It was Friday. I just had to look at my personal calendar to see what I did that day. I dropped my car off at the shop. I worked with my hockey team. And I ended the day watching You with my boyfriend.
It never occurred to me what the date was. I used to keep count of how many days it’d been. It drove at least one friend of mine completely bonkers that I did that. As it turns out, it took me somewhere between 9 and 10 months for that date to bare absolutely zero significance. The 17th is now just another day.
For months and months and months, I didn’t understand my world. My thoughts were a jumbled disaster in my mind. I had to write in order to make some sense of what was going on inside my head as the life that I once knew ceased to exist and came crumbling down in what felt like an utter catastrophe. I can’t begin to explain the urge that came over me, willing me to write. Or the peace that fell upon me once I was able to get it out.
Word by word, sentence by sentence, blog by blog, I processed my internal world. Until one day, I realized my thoughts were not written in scribbles. I finally had clarity. And so, I became silent.
My internal world feels at peace. I feel a beautiful sense of incredible peace. It settled upon me like a silky cloak, unnoticed, yet luxurious and delightfully received. My reward after months of reflection, tears, and so much personal work.
For the past month, I have found further peace in editing pictures from my trip to Greece (some favorites are pictured below). It feels as though I have an endless supply of memories to paint and that is exactly where I’ve been wanting to spend the time I normally would’ve set aside for writing.
Over the past couple months, I’ve also been gifted with a different kind of perspective. Two lives running parallel with enough distance for me to listen.
And, thankfully, I was able to remain open and truly listen. Which served only to deepen this sweet, internal peace that began to blossom in Greece.
I picture myself as a lotus flower. I’ve risen. Above that beautiful, sparkling water line.
And I’ve finally bloomed.
Today, as I sit here writing this, I feel as though I’m the best version of myself that has ever existed. I know what I want. I know what it takes to attain it. And maintain it. And this is only the beginning. For tomorrow, the goal is to be just a bit better than I was today. I have so much yet to learn and experience and you know what? That excites me.
I dream again. I no longer live one breath at a time.
And, on most days, I’m fearless.
Because there’s something significant that occurs when you’ve been completely shattered. I never would’ve taken my own life, but I’m not going to lie… There were plenty of days, especially at the beginning, where I sped to over 100 on the highway and pictured myself steering straight into something solid. But only for a second. For so long, I just wanted it to end. I didn’t want my life to end. Just “it.” The drama. The confusing loss of some in my community. The bleak, empty feeling that I knew for certain was never going to go away.
When you hit that low, and then rise above, feeling happier and more authentic than ever in the whole of your life, you realize complete vulnerability is beautiful. And oh, so marvelously freeing! Because you fully understand that you are capable of withstanding damn near any potential future pain that will try to invade your peace. And because of that, you can’t imagine living any other way than all in and out loud.
As life twists and turns, I’m sure I’ll have another time where I’ll feel this desperate compulsion to write to understand. Or, like I did at the beginning, to write to remember and understand. For now, though, I feel no such need. But I do have somewhere around 1250 pictures to go through and edit. Which has quickly become one of my most favorite things to do. And goodness, there are so many other dreams to chase!
My world is calm, once again. The storm has, for now at least, passed.
I have bloomed and feel every bit of the sun’s warmth upon me. Even on the cloudy days.
I am happy.
And filled with peace.
And I surely wouldn’t be here today without the support from you, my community. You have been my sunshine. You never let me stay down for long. As much as my time is now intentionally filled elsewhere, there’s no doubt I will see you here again every now and then. I am genuinely grateful for your love and support and can only hope you will be filled with the same unconditional love so many of you have shown me.
May your days be also filled with true bliss and absolute peace. I have so much love for you all.
Today I will eat a Greek salad. And perhaps a couple eggs… My biggest decision will be whether I scramble them or cook them over easy. And I’ll definitely drink some wine and Sprite. I made sure to buy two bottles of white wine to make sure I’d have enough to drink during lunch and dinner. And again at 3:34 because, I mean, why not? *shrug*
And I’ll spend the day, hopefully mostly content, solo, and editing my favorite pictures from Greece.
It should be a good Thursday.
I’ve been filled with gratitude since the moment I left for Greece and this full heart feeling hasn’t lessened even a little bit in the last 14 days. I don’t expect to need a day to show my gratitude. Not this year. Recently, I’ve been hyper-aware of all that I have in my life. Because everything I had changed just over 8 months ago. So, I’ve been given the beautiful gift of perspective. And with this perspective, intense gratitude for what I do have.
So, today is Thursday. A day to spend in more quiet reflection. Showing gratitude for my world as it is today. Aaaaaaaannnddd (I just can’t stop, Billy…) eating a delicious Greek salad, as a way to pay homage to what I am most grateful for today. My solo trip, the time spent in Greece, was life altering. If you knew me 10 months ago, and you still know me today, you’ll understand the intensity of my gratitude for what occurred last week.
It’s mind blowing, really. How that short period of time changed everything for me.
Time…it’s a funny thing.
Only time will tell.
Time heals all wounds.
In the nick of time.
Lost track of time.
Lasted an eternity.
Just a matter of time.
A waste of time.
Time flies.
The time of my life.
“Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” – Theophrastus
You get the point.
We have all these phrases and quotes about time, how we abuse it, how it heals, how all will be understood…in time.
Eight and a half months ago feels like an eternity. For me, it was quite literally a lifetime ago. I was married, though unhappily, and going to family dinner parties, doing couple-y things, and feeling lonelier than ever despite having a “partner” by my side.
Today, I am comfortable alone, confident in who I am. I have huge goals and even bigger plans. I am finally living this life for me.
Don’t get that last line wrong. It’s not selfish, though it sounds that way. The way I am choosing to spend my time today is giving my daughter a wonderful example of being adventurous while also living a disciplined life. She sees me making exercising a priority, she knows I write (and now we even sometimes write together, her, in awe of my fast clicking, as I type sentence after sentence, turning paragraphs into pages), and she is proud of me for facing my fears and traveling alone. She used to have so much fear and now she asks me if she may study abroad in middle school.
Everything I have ever done since I found out I was pregnant was with her in mind. For a while after I found out about my ex’s infidelity and the extent of the betrayal, I was simply in survival mode, and really thought about nothing other than how in the world I was going to take my next breath.
Now, though, enough time has passed. My heart has healed. As it turns out, my time in Greece was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to finally be at peace.
Before March of this year, the longest I was single since I was 17 (21 years ago!), was for about 4 months. I had been in a committed relationship for my entire adult life. Not only that, I’d been committed to two men who stifled my vivacity, my sparkle…even my sense of humor.
Guys, I never thought I was funny. I wasn’t the funny one.
In the last 4 or 5 months, do you know how many times I’ve made people laugh? Do you know how many times people have told me that I’m funny?! I don’t think there’s a better compliment for me. Well, right now, at least. My ex is the funny one. No, was the funny one. He’s loud and the center of any party. By his side, I was dull. I had no personality – unless I drank. I had to have alcoholic beverages simply to be comfortable in group settings when I was with him. Now, alone and away from him, and for so many reasons, I sparkle.
Ahh, guys! I am funny! (Sometimes it just hits me… This is really me. *laughing*)
This was a part of my personality that I didn’t even know existed. Seriously. And it’s now a pretty significant part of who I am, I think. I make people laugh. Do you know how good that feels? Only this time that I’ve had to myself was able to bring that out of me. There is so much to who I am today that didn’t exist 9 months ago.
Without this journey, my true self would’ve never been actualized. I would still be living day to day thinking I had no sense of humor or needing to have a drink in order to feel comfortable in my own skin. Ugh, how terribly sad is that?!
I’ve been single for 256 days now.
And I’ve finally reached a point where it feels so good to be “unattached.” My ex and I were texting yesterday, and he asked if I could take our daughter on his weekend so he could go on a couple dates. Well, I haven’t seen her in about a million years, so of course! And, I told him I’d take her any weekend of his that he wanted because I’m not dating and have no desire to anytime soon.
His response? “Well, you can’t live like that.”
Umm, yes I can! *laughing*
Is it our culture that creates this false narrative? We have to be in a relationship in order to be happy? Today, in this moment, I am happier than I have been in years. Perhaps even, in the entirety of my adulthood. And I’m single. Who would’ve thought I would ever be happy without having to rely on somebody else to validate me?? My whole world just feels like it blew wide open again. But this time, in such a good way.
I have goals to achieve. Huge goals. And a pretty strict timeline to hit them in. I don’t have the time to be with somebody, really. Especially one that doesn’t add value to my life and help me grow, pushing me to actualize all my potential. New relationships are hard. And they take time and effort to develop properly.
Time…it’s precious.
And I just found out who I am! I want to sit in this space and relish that for a moment. Happily alone.
But…I’m not really alone. I’m surrounded by the most wonderful community. I may be single, but I have never felt less alone. During my marriage…oof. That loneliness was the worst. I’d rather be single and have moments of loneliness than be in a “partnership” and feel lonely with someone who is right there by my side.
Which brings me to today. Thursday. Okay, it’s not just a normal Thursday. It’s Thanksgiving day. And I’m alone. But I’m not lonely.
I had many invitations to be with my friends. My community. Yet, I’m choosing to be in the quiet space of my house, appreciating the fact that I am alone.
I used to feel so uncomfortable being by myself. It was lonely. I needed the attention from others to make me feel like I was worthy of taking up space in this world.
My word, I was someone else entirely and it literally makes me sit here and shake my head to reflect on who I was compared to who I am.
Today, I am strong, capable, and enough. I am quite content in my own solitude. I don’t need to be around anyone else to feel happy.
Time gave me this gift.
Well, time, coupled with intensive counseling sessions with the most incredible therapist, a community of strong women and men who’ve always been there to lift me up, and traveling alone was the icing on the cake. I came back refreshed and re-energized.
I came back me.
Time itself is truly a gift. While in Greece, I stopped in this jewelry shop. I had read in a travel blog that this was the place to go and buy your jewelry. So, I navigated to it and when I walked in, there were only women working there. Strong, beautiful women. One of the women came up to me and started chatting with me about the different pieces of jewelry. When we came to the display case with rings that used watch mechanisms as the central focus, I knew immediately that was the piece I had to have.
My time in Greece was transformative. And this was my last day, my last 12 hours left in that beautiful country. I knew when I saw it, the symbolism was far too great to walk away from. A piece of jewelry made of time to represent this time of my life that had become so precious to me. The piece I ended up choosing happened to be this wonderful woman’s favorite ring, but, for whatever reason, it didn’t work for her. But it worked for me. *smile* When I told her that was the one I wanted, she was so happy for me and immediately gave me the best hug. That ring was waiting for me. That jewelry store was also. I was meant to meet those women.
And here’s the funny thing. This wasn’t the store from the travel blog. I had to leave the store for some hours and return again for my darling ring. As I was navigating back to the store from my hotel, I ended up at a different jewelry store by the same name. As I walked up to that shop, a man was sitting inside, and everything was different. I simply stopped in front of it, rather confused, and said aloud, “Oh.”
I was so startled there were two distinct shops by the same name.
I found my bearings and walked the 10 or so minutes to my jewelry shop, the one with the strong women I’d connected with, the one with my ring, that symbolized so much for me. I strongly believe in energy and the universe took me to that jewelry shop instead of the one I’d initially intended on going to. I said it before…I was meant to meet those women.
They became a significant part of my journey. Their time was a gift for me. Their powerful presence and enlightening and positive conversation, it all filled my soul. I will carry these women in my heart and can’t wait to take my daughter back to meet them.
Strong women have been my guiding force since last March. I know now that I can live this life without a man by my side. But I could never spend my time without my community of dynamic and amazing women.
So, on this Thanksgiving day, which happens to simply be Thursday for me, I am writing this with a heart that’s been overwhelmed with gratitude since last week. I don’t need a day to remind me to focus on all the things I’m thankful for this year. Some years past, this time was a necessary reminder to slow down and give thanks. But this year? My heart has been full since November 15 and steadily stretching until now, when I think it just may burst.
Without this time, every single minute of these last 256 days, and all the ways I’ve chosen to spend them, I would not be exactly who I am today.
And so, today more than ever, I am grateful for the luxurious gift that is time and for the influential and beautiful community of women in my life. You are my tribe and no amount of time or space could ever separate us. You’ve proven that.
From feeling like nothing to knowing that I’m everything, from wanting to be out of the country on this significant holiday to being quite content with only my pups by side, this Thursday is going to be a great one.
I hope your heart is filled today, also, no matter where you are or what today means to you. After all, it’s only Thursday.
As I write these words, I’ve been awake for the last 27 and a half hours. I’m tired, but feel more alert right now than I did a few hours ago. At 2:45 am, my alarm woke me up in Greece. It was the last sound I wanted to hear and gave me an emotional start to the day, knowing I was leaving behind the most incredible country filled with equally wonderful people. Though leaving everything I came to love about Greece behind, I at least got to bring back with me my memories from a trip of a lifetime and sooo many pictures. (On that note, check out theatlasroamers.com and book a photography trip with them. As you can read here, they’re so much more than a photography workshop, as Billy says, they are an “open school.” You’ll walk away with so much more than photography skills. I know I did.)
All day, from Athens to Amsterdam to Salt Lake City, then finally to home, I had a lot of time to think. And think. Then process and think some more. And then I came home and had a conversation with a friend, causing me to pause and really analyze the massive changes occurring within.
And then it finally clicked. The person I once was lacked confidence and looked to others to show her that she was valuable. But, lovely irony here, others valued me only exactly to the extent that I showed them I was worth. And I didn’t think I was worth much. So, of course my ex did what he did. And of course others have treated me as a doll on a shelf, to be taken down and given attention only at their convenience. That was all I thought I was worthy of – their actions matched the energy I put out.
How could I expect to be cared for and truly respected when I wasn’t caring for nor truly respecting myself? And, boy, do I love to make excuses for other people and their actions – too busy with ______, too stressed about ______ , too tired because ______ , or lashing out because their hangry. Their behavior was never because they just didn’t care. *facepalm* Look. If someone values you, they’ll show it. They’ll make the time for you because, in their eyes, you’re worth it.
You know, it has really *finally* sunk in that so much of who I was for a long time was rooted in not believing in myself. I tried so hard to convince myself of all the things that I wanted desperately to believe were true. I behaved with this frantic urgency, as it turns out (this post explains this behavior more), because I was trying to prove something to myself. If I did it, then I was good enough. I was enough. So I did all the things. So many of my decisions over the last few months came from the intense insecurity that came from years of being told by my ex that I was awful. And that no matter what I did, I was never enough for him.
My solo trip to Greece was to prove to myself that I could do anything I wanted to on my own. That yes, I absolutely was an empowered and strong woman. But I was doing things outwardly to fix myself inwardly.
As I learned, it doesn’t quite work that way. It takes hard work and effort and more self-reflection than I ever imagined. The physical act of going to Greece was huge, indeed. But it was everything that happened there that reignited the fire within and helped me realize my worth. I think the epiphanies could’ve probably happened anywhere, really. At least, anywhere there could’ve been a quiet, solo escape, where I would’ve had the opportunity to feel truly vulnerable and live in that space for a while. We should all experience that feeling. I’ve found that, at least for me, silence and vulnerability are huge for personal growth.
Conversations with my dear photographer friends helped, as well, as did the beauty and kindness of the perfect strangers I encountered on my travels. People are genuinely good. Well…let me re-word that. People genuinely have good intentions. Their follow-through, as I am learning, depends greatly on my very own energy. How I am being treated is exactly because that is what I am allowing to take place. People will live up to whatever bar you set for them, so if you set it low, don’t be surprised when their behavior matches that. Or, sometimes, they will leave your life. It’s that simple. And when they go, sad as it may be, I accept it as a pretty obvious message that my path is being cleared of the clutter that would’ve continued to hold me back and keep me from growing properly.
And if I frame it just right, then I get excited. Because within every transition lies an opportunity.
But it all takes time. Transitions are hard. Change can be massively difficult.
And also so incredibly worth it.
I wrote here, which was a few blogs ago, how I fell in love with myself while in Greece. I went a step further and made a commitment to myself. While walking along the streets of Athens, heading towards the Parliament building to watch the changing of the guards, I passed this cute little jewelry store. Something inside told me to slow down and to look at the display. When I did, several rings jumped out at me and I tried a few on. I felt like Goldilocks, eating the bears’ porridge. There was one I really liked and was pretty sure I’d be buying it. But then, when looking back at the display one last time, it was like all the angel voices sounded in my head. There was this ring. It was beautiful. I asked about it and she said it’s strictly a left-handed ring. I asked the sweet woman running the store what she meant by that. She said here, try it on. You’ll see.
And forget it. It was as though Cinderella had found her slipper! The other rings were too this or too that. This one, though? Absolute perfection. And how fitting that its place on a hand is the left ring finger. As I slipped it on, I made a commitment to myself that I would love myself truly and deeply from that point forward. In theory, that’s the exact practice I should put into place. In reality, it’s so, so very hard for me. For so long, I accommodated others, excusing their lousy behaviors, refusing to truly see them. Old habits die hard.
But, as in any commitment, it takes constant work, reflection, and daily, sometimes even hourly, re-commitment. As things come along my path, I’m committed to only move forth with the radiant and loving energy I now feel within.
And when somebody shows me who they are, I’m believing them, dammit. The first time. Even when I desperately don’t want to. Because that is true self-love.
People say it all the time, the past creates the future, which is why we study history, right? So we, as a society, do not repeat the same mistakes of our ancestors.
But why don’t we choose to study our own histories? Like, dig in and really do some research, as though we’re trying to get our PhD in life. Because it’s hard? Come on…nothing worth it is ever easy or fast. Maybe it’s because we don’t know better.
I didn’t know better.
I feel like I’m now well on my way to earning that PhD, though. I’m exhausted. And oddly energized at the same time. I only have a Master’s Degree, but can fully recall the exhaustion and exhilaration of presenting my thesis. I can only imagine what it’s like to defend a dissertation…
Why am I exhausted and oddly energized? Well, if you’ve been reading from the beginning, you know that my life today is far different than it was 8 months ago. (And if you’re new here, feel free to go check it out. It’s been a wild ride!) So, where was I? Yes, 8 months ago, and a few hours ago, actually. At 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019, the world I knew ceased to exist. And, as it turns out, that’s a wonderful thing.
That catastrophic moment when I opened the email from one of the Ashley Madison lovelies my ex had been having an affair with forced me to spiral completely out of control and then, finally, to make a choice. Do I continue to allow my life to spiral or should I, at long last, face my reality.
I finally decided to face my reality and it has not been an easy journey. For months, this journey was anything but graceful. Though it has been priceless.
I am no longer the same woman I once was…not even close. So, who was I? Those truths are mine, for now. But I will tell you this – after some incredible amount of determination to improve my mental space, I traveled back in time to childhood and began my healing there.
What I discovered was that my childhood wounds were never taken care of properly. And then new wounds layered on top. And that continued for years. Decades, really.
All that strain and stress to my emotional self caused gaping holes that were never patched. I suppose I never quite realized they were even there to be patched. But those wounds shaped me moving forward. I was married the first time at 21 (was it really 21?!). After about a 4 month separation, I was in another committed relationship, this time with husband number 2.
Let’s take a moment to envision my emotional self as a bucket. I kept, up until, like, last week, expecting others to fill my bucket for me. Some tried. The problem, however, is that bucket was riddled with gaping holes, wounds from my past. So, any love I received, any good intention given, filled my bucket and then seeped right on out. I kept waiting for someone else to fill my bucket! Why couldn’t they make me feel as though I was enough? Why wasn’t I worthy of being treated with respect? Both husband #1 and husband #2 were verbally abusive. Both beat me down with their words. I never had any physical scars, but the emotional ones created more holes in my bucket.
If you have something that you view as garbage, how do you treat it? How do you expect others to treat it? For a very long time, for far too long, I looked at myself as garbage. I wasn’t good enough. I battled an eating disorder on and off for a decade and tried to control what I could because there were far too many disappointing aspects of myself that I couldn’t control. I was not fond of myself. I treated myself like garbage with my thoughts and internal dialogue.
Yet, I expected others to treat me differently?! Ridiculous. If I think something is garbage, it’s quite unlikely that anyone else will see any value in it. Ugh, it feels so obvious now. *facepalm*
So, there I was, with a leaky bucket, all wounded and hoping others would come along with a patch kit for me. And now here I am, a month and a half away from 39, and I finally get it.
I have to put on my own patches, radiant and sturdy ones, to plug all of those holes. But first, I have to take the time to carefully find each and every single hole. So, with so much work on myself, I am finding them, one at a time, and I am lovingly patching over my broken bucket.
I feel, now, that I’ve covered most of my holes. Let me be completely clear about this, though. It has been 8 months of losing my mind to find this space within. I’m pretty much constantly in a state of emotional exhaustion. Self-reflection, intensely studying my history, asking myself the hard questions and then journaling about it, doing all the things that has felt right for me, has been emotionally taxing. And fabulously liberating.
With so much self-love and care, my holes are mostly patched and I’m beginning to fill my own bucket. I am not garbage. I am strong. I am capable. And I am enough. I know that. I’ve proven it to myself and, as they say, the proof is in the pudding.
I traveled abroad, by myself, to meet 2 strangers I met on Instagram. They are incredible photographers, which is how I stumbled across one of their pages, and then decided to send him a message. To my utter surprise, he answered. And we began communicating with frequency. I mean, really, it was practically daily. His passion for photography was contagious and his knowledge vast. Just 12 days after I first reached out to him, I decided to go on a private photography tour with him and his business partner and I think it was that day that I booked my tickets to Greece. I don’t quite remember – it all happened very fast.
That moment that I purchased the tickets, in and of itself, was HUGE! I remember feeling pure,boundless joy. In my head, I placed a lot of weight on this trip. It was to be the symbol of my soul’s restoration to peace. A reawakening. A message to myself (and my daughter) that I can, in fact, do whatever I want to do. I am fully capable of doing all things without a man by my side.
The day I left for this epic journey, I was a mess. I should’ve cancelled my morning, as living like a proper adult was rather difficult while in that head space. But, I am an adult and there were things that needed to be done. So, I rushed about to do them. And promptly got a speeding ticket.
When I got to work, the mom and daughter opened the door, and then I immediately started to cry. They were standing there, waiting for me, with gifts to celebrate my one year anniversary of working for them. I spent most of my session crying to these beautiful people.
And then I talked both ears off my dear friend, who’d offered to drive me to the airport. It’s at least an hour and 20 minute drive. I think she maybe said 2 sentences.
Once I was all checked in, I had time to squeeze in one margarita. As I took my first sip, I smiled, and the sighed, contentedly. The woman sitting next to me noticed and made a comment. We both laughed and shortly, were engaged in conversation. I explained to her where I was going – and why. And cried again, of course.
There was a married business man sitting next to me. He had no choice but to listen to my story as I chatted with the sweet lady next to me, as he finished up both his meal and what appeared to be some work. As he got up to leave, he looked me in the eye and said, simply, “Feel better,” and after I said thank you, he left. When I finished my margarita, I went to pay the bill. The bartender told me that it’d been paid for by the gentleman sitting to my right. The “feel better” guy. I completely lost my shit right then and there. Like, full on ugly cried. I was sobbing in a bar at the airport.
This is how I started my trip to Greece.
My head was scattered. Emotional. Anxious. I was a complete and utter wreck. I was doing something unlike anything I’d done for myself before. Alone. Could I do this on my own? No, wait… How could I do this on my own?!
But I did. I made it on my flight and settled in my seat. I made my two connections, landed in Athens, and waited for the cab that was supposed to get me. I found myself in the wrong part of the airport and a kind Greek gentleman told me where I was supposed to go. I contacted my photographer friend I came to Greece to meet and do the tour with and he spoke with my cab driver, making sure he knew where to take me. I got to the bus station, bought my bus fare, ate a Greek pastry, and made it on the right bus. I rode that bus for what seemed like forever, but it was only about 4 hours, then got in a taxi to take me to my hotel, where I checked in and made my way to my room. I contacted my photographer friend that I was there, safely.
I did all of that. Yes, with the help of others, but on my own. I made it from Denver to Athens safely and with nothing lost or left behind (though I did almost forget my suitcase on the bus… *eyeroll*). I am so used to someone double checking things for me that I wasn’t sure I’d be capable of any of this on my own.
Yet, I’m here. I’m still in Greece, in the middle of my photography tour, with 2 of the most wonderful humans I could’ve ever connected with. And they started as random strangers that I met through pretty pictures on instagram. (** Side note. Picture this. I wrote to one of them and told him that his pictures made me want to go there and see it all in person. Today, I saw through his lens, literally and figuratively, as I took my own pictures in the exact locations his pictures portrayed. Actively live life and things will happen that will blow your mind! **)
I took a risk. Somehow, I was able to force myself to take that risk, realizing I’d never prove to myself that I was “enough” of anything until I actually did something of some great magnitude. And now it’s paying off in ways I probably still don’t even realize. I have been in Greece for only 3 full days. I still have 4 full days to go.
And I’ve already fallen in love. Completely. Madly. Wildly.
I’ve fallen in love in Greece…with myself.
My bucket’s patches are holding strong – for now. Of course it’s a patch job, so there will be leaks and cracks that are bound to occur. Which is why this, proper self-care, is now a lifelong act. I cannot ever expect anyone else to make me feel as though I am enough. I have to believe it first for myself. I have to see my worth.I have to know that I am priceless.
And I do. Every single day is magical. Every day I have a choice to talk to myself rather than to simply listen to the old messages. Well, those messages? They’re being erased and replaced with a mantra I now tell myself throughout the day. The words are positive and reflect strength. They are superbly healing. My conversations within are filled with light and love for myself. When I begin to doubt, or self-criticize, or feel unworthy, I switch to my mantra and repeat it until I feel it burning true in my soul.
I am strong. I am capable. I am enough.
The more I say it, the more I believe it to be true. The more it becomes my internal message during times of doubt, stress, and hurt. No longer do I need to seek the attention from others to make me feel good and valued. It isn’t anyone else’s job to do that. Sure, do I like it when others make me feel good? Of course! Genuine compliments are beautiful and they make me smile. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy.
But I no longer depend on them. I see me.I see my worth. And you know what that means?
I am free. And I am happy. More so than I think I have ever felt in my entire adult life. The love and radiance in my heart and soul is pure bliss. So much, that I frequently find myself with a little smile on my face and then I sigh contentedly (much to one of my photographer’s unease *hehehe*).
All is good in this world of mine. And it just keeps on getting better. I am, quite honestly, now looking forward to this journey. Life is nothing but an adventure and I’m finally strong enough to see it that way.
So, if you find yourself struggling with your own self-worth, I would highly recommend you push out of your comfort zone – whatever that means to you. See what you’re actually capable of that you never thought you could do. Safely, obviously. Perhaps it’s sitting alone at a restaurant, enjoying a meal with only your own thoughts to keep you company. Perhaps it’s going to Target alone after dark. Those were both things I started with, both rather benign activities to some but that made my heart race and palms sweaty. Safely, with calculation, push yourself out of your comfort zone. Start small. Be smart about it. And then watch yourself grow and see where it leads.
I can promise you this, though: there is no better feeling than unconditionally loving yourself. You’ll be amazed with what follows when that finally happens. Tonight, I am sending my love to you all. May you feel it, understand how to create it from within, and go fall in love with yourself. And then keep doing so, throughout every moment of this marvelous life of yours.
You are strong. You are capable. You are enough. ❤️
Today’s writing is more of a musical journey – a glimpse into one of the many tools I’ve used to process, reflect, and grow since March. I’ve relied heavily on music to help me feel sane and less isolated over the last half a year and these songs have evoked incredible emotional responses, from breaking out in chills all over, to ugly crying, to fist pumping and cheering because I really am a strong woman, like the song’s lyrics tell me.
Lately I’ve wondered where my life would be without music. I don’t think there are many things in this world that offer the truly magnificent power that music does. It can calm the mind, make you smile and laugh, make you cry out of sadness or happiness, recall old loves and other such memories you’d thought were long forgotten, and it can make you feel as though you are able to accomplish absolutely anything.
Playing my piano is my “go-to” move when I’m stressed. I sit there and play until I can breathe properly again. When I’m driving, in the shower, exercising, hiking, or relaxing, I have my music on. But it’s not just any music lately. The songs I listen to are the ones I deeply connect with…the ones that align with where my mind, heart, and soul are in this moment.
You see, some friends recommended that I make a playlist way back at the beginning of this journey, which started over 6 months ago now. And how it has morphed over time is quite fascinating! The first several songs that were added to the playlist were pretty angry and bitter (think “Figures” by fellow Colombiana, Jessie Reyez, “God Damn Liar” by Dirty Heads, and “I Don’t F**k with You, by Big Sean and E-40).
Now, the playlist is beginning to fill with songs that reassure me of a great deal of things. Through songs like, “Outnumbered” by Dermot Kennedy, I am now convinced that love like I’ve never felt before could, in fact, exist and someone is out there that will make me feel adored, empowered, valued, and worthy of that incredible love through his actions. And with songs like “Hero” by Christina Perri, I am reminded that even if that’s not in my cards, I am now a strong woman who doesn’t need it in order to feel happy.
And I am. I am a strong woman now. Stronger than I ever was before. I feel myself getting stronger every single day. And for, I think, the very first time in my life, I truly love myself.
Goodness, that’s both so powerful – and so difficult – for me to write. It makes me cry to actually put it down in black and white for you to read.
Up until quite recently, I didn’t love myself. Hell, a good portion of the time, I didn’t even like myself. If you could’ve heard the way I spoke to myself in my own head, I’m sure you would’ve been shocked.I was insecure and sad and looked upon myself with unkind eyes.I tried, oftentimes quite successfully, to portray a strong, independent woman. But I was not living in public how I felt in my head. There was a lot of “fake it ’till you make it” going on. I was really good at playing the part I thought I was supposed to – and it was exhausting.I felt like a fraud.
So these tears? They’re hard earned. And they are made with a mixture of both great sadness and pure joy. It makes me terribly sad that I’ve lost so many years beating myself up and believing the negativity that was spewed at me. And I’m also thrilled that I’ve figured it out – I finally see that I am worthy of all things wonderful and beautiful. I understand that other people’s actions and reactions have little (or nothing) to do with me. Do you know just how freeing that is?! It is an incredibly impressive feeling, to truly love oneself, this whole perfectly imperfect wonderful being that I am.
So what does it look like to genuinely have love for yourself? I’ll tell you what it means to me… Loving myself is:
to feel secure and confident enough that I am free to be vulnerable,
to have a complete disregard for any potential pain or sadness, simply because I’d rather experience the joy in this moment that I know I deserve, and am comfortable enough to know that I can overcome that pain/sadness if it does come around,
to live entirely authentically, because I now know that I am strong enough, and I finally value myself enough, that I can, and will, overcome any hurt that might come my way,
to be sofearless and empowered that I am taking a solo trip to the other side of the world, destroying the idea in my head that I am not strong enough or capable enough to travel alone, because I now know that I am plenty enough of both of those things,
to have a defined bar and understanding of how I want to be treated in a relationship and to come to the conclusion that I’d rather be single, surrounded by my incredible community of friends, than to ever settle for feeling less than I deserve, because I now know that I am worth it and more than enough, and have no problems walking away if my partner doesn’t see that,
to finally, and wholeheartedly, believe that I am enough.
I heard a song the other day, called “Worth It” by Danielle Bradbery that spoke to that last point. Her song, these lyrics…it’s just everything to me right now. I needed this reminder, especially today.
‘Cause I’m worth it You’re crazy baby if you think that I don’t know it I ain’t afraid to walk away if you can’t see it, believe it And give me the love I’m deserving ‘Cause I know I’m worth it
There’s nothing like having the epiphany that I am enough and then shortly thereafter hearing a song that validates my thoughts and reassures me that that is exactly how I should be thinking.
Music really is so remarkable…and so influential.
I mentioned “Hero” earlier. It’s a recent addition that came recommended by an incredible friend, a strong woman who has been dragged through the mud and is now rising above, more tenacious and determined than ever before. When she played this song for me, the physical reaction to the words was incredibly intense – instant chills and tears (guys, I’m a crier, what can I say? *shrug*).
Just listen to this song and read these specific lyrics while you picture a broken soul, who never, ever thought she was enough, because she came to believe every nasty word that had been thrown into her face over the years. Then picture that same shattered woman, pieces picked up and taped, glued, stitched, and cemented back together. She has her head held high, wearing a smile that she’s been told can light up a room, and she’s filled with a radiant love that glows from the inside out, because she has finally realized she’s a pretty cool person after all. If you can picture all of that, you’ll understand my reaction to this song.
…But I found I’m powerless with you Now I don’t need your wings to fly No, I don’t need a hand to hold in mine this time You held me down, but I broke free I found the love inside of me Now I don’t need a hero to survive ‘Cause I already saved my life
And I really did. I saved my life. Not alone, of course. I am fortunate enough that I had the help and support from so many incredible people, and it was through their unconditional love that I found the love inside of me. Don’t get me wrong. Some days are still hard. Sometimes, even with the slightest, most minor of rejections, those old thoughts of unworthiness tiptoe, ever so carefully, back into my head, swirling around so quietly that I don’t even realize what is happening. I just feel low and the old thought patterns start cycling through my mind, but more out of habit than actual belief.
And that’s the difference.
Before, when I would have my dark moments, those moments would spiral into days, and sometimes consume an entire week. I wouldn’t be able to create a different internal dialogue because I genuinely believed the negative thoughts playing on repeat.
Now, when I start to have that negative self-talk, when I turn to beating myself up and internalizing it all, and I start thinking once again that I am not worthy or “enough,” I simply play that song. And I remember who I am today.
I am no longer powerless. I am no longer held hostage by the voices of others who feel it necessary to bring me down and tear me apart with their words. Because I have a deep love for myself now.
Love is powerful. Everyone seems to understand that. But self love? Holy smokes, it’s other worldly! I almost feel as though it’s a superpower. By genuinely loving myself, it gives me a sense of freedom and fearlessness that I’ve never possessed. It’s quite intensely beautiful, actually. And so far from who I once was.
It’s crazy to look back to last March, to reflect on who I was and how I initially handled my imploding world. I was an entirely different person then. It truly fascinates me! While I now try hard to live in the moment, to focus on this breath that I’m taking and enjoy what is directly in front of me, there’s nothing like taking a glance into my past to offer a bit of perspective and see just how far I’ve come.
Which brings me to another song on my playlist – “30,000 Feet” by Ben Rector. From the first time I heard it, it does its job in reminding me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
I’ve walked into harder times, I’ve walked out the other side It seems like you end up getting what you need Yeah looking down from 30, 000 feet Life’s been good to me
In the grand scheme of things, life has been very good to me. Yeah, sure, my ex cheated on me with random women for damn near a year before I found out (thanks to one of those women who decided to reach out to me after my ex insulted her one too many times). And yep, that sucked terribly. But now, looking back with peace in my heart, our marriage really should’ve ended long ago. We weren’t a good fit. We didn’t lift each other up. We became the couple that brought out the worst in one another. We had no tolerance for each other. So, his multitude of betrayals was really a gift. I see that now. When I reflect for a moment and see the woman I was, compared to the woman I am today, I am grateful for that gift he gave me. It was an incredibly difficult lesson to go through but now that I’m here on the other side, I am stronger because of it.
I now move forward in a different direction. One where I have the opportunity to be loved and feel love in ways I’ve never imagined. In ways that I thought only existed in fairy tales. Or, I have the opportunity to move forward confidently alone, rocking out this life with my incredible community and my amazing daughter.I welcome either path. Because I am lucky to have the life I currently do, that is already filled with an abundance of love that is truly unconditional.
So, yes, life’s been good to me.
It is worth it to take a bird’s eye view of my life every now and then. When I’m in the thick of it, my view is far too narrow to see the bigger picture. But as I’m driving along from client’s home to client’s home throughout the day, and 30,000 feet comes on, it forces me to take a moment to look back. And with that gain in perspective, I can’t help but smile.
Because where I am today feels right. It feels good. I love that I am here, in this space, with all the life I’ve already gone through. Pink’s song, “I Am Here,” is filled with lyrics that explain this:
I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found ... I am here, I am here I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear ... May the light be upon me May I feel in my bones that I am enough ... My heart it is racing, but afraid I am not Afraid I am not ...
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I was…goodness…you know, I was so lost 6 months ago. I hit rock bottom. I felt completely and utterly shattered and didn’t know who I was, where I was going, or how I could survive another day. And now? I’ve found myself. I’m a me that I never knew could exist. And because I experienced that devastating catastrophe that ended the life I once knew, I now feel in my bones, down to my very core, that I am enough. And I am fearless.
The freedom that I now feel in my life would never exist without the events leading up to and then occurring on March 17, 2019. The person I am today is here, in great deal, due to my amazing friends, who have journeyed alongside with me, lifting me up every moment they could, being the constant support I so needed.
And then there’s my playlist, which has been my therapist in the car, the shower, or on hikes up the incline. Music has been a vital part of my journey, evolving as I have grown and my perspective has changed. Some days I skip the “old” songs that were amongst the first added, because I no longer need those messages. Some days, I play the same song 4 times in a row, belting out the lyrics in the car as tears stream unashamedly down my face, because the lyrics feed my soul in that moment and I can’t get enough.
There’s a lot about my life today that I never imagined would be my reality. And I’m perfectly okay with that now. In fact, I am hopeful, grateful, and quite content. I have people in my life who value me and remind me of exactly what it is that I deserve.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? That is something I no longer really waste much time worrying about. If I do start to go down that rabbit hole, I bring myself back by asking myself, “How do you feel right now, in this moment?” How I feel in the moment is all that matters to me. If the moment is filled with positivity, I embrace it and keep doing what I can to allow that positivity to linger. If things don’t feel right in my world, then I reflect and figure out a way to bring things right again. Because now I know that I am strong enough, and capable enough, to make the difficult decisions that will make things right in my world once again.
In the last 6 or so months, I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve felt the hurt caused by multiple, appalling betrayals. I’ve felt sadness so intensely that the physical pain from breaking my hand during that first week went unnoticed. I’ve experienced anger that I never realized could legitimately exist outside of the imaginations of experienced screenplay writers and best-selling authors.
And while I know that I am still a work in progress, I’m becoming a renewed and more capable person than ever before. I’m a significantly improved and transformed self.
So, when it comes to making difficult decisions that will ultimately make my life better, I move forward – head on. Sure, I still feel a deep sadness in those situations. And I lament the broken possibility. But I will never again stay in any situation that makes me feel like my world is a bit off kilter.
I will never again sacrifice my authenticity – or my heart.
Because now I know better.
The lyrics from the song “Didn’t Know Better” by Ivan B make me roll my eyes and smack my forehead. I may have not known better before, but I surely know better now. And when you know better, you do better (thank you, Ms. Angelou!).
I just didn’t know better I used to have no confidence Uncomfortable in my own skin Deep down, way-way back then I just didn’t know better
I have the confidence now to know that I can overcome a great deal of pain. There isn’t much that could happen that would hurt worse than what my ex – my daughter’s father – did. And I’m more comfortable in my own skin than ever in my life. Which is a dangerously beautiful combination.
“I am here,” living moments at 38 years old that I couldn’t have anticipated would fill my life. And you know what? Through it all, I am bound and determined to make the best of it.
So, bring it, life. With all of your chaos, uncertainty, love and heartbreak, joy and laughter…bring it all. I’m here to live this adventure out loud and with fearless, fierce moxie, all while shamelessly belting out the song lyrics that match, as I walk along on this musical journey.
A Graceful Catastrophe 