Tag: self-reflection

life

Goodbye. For Now

A Graceful Catastrophe

I felt the need to be quiet… I just noticed that I haven’t written in almost a month.

And this is the first month where the 17th came and went. Completely unnoticed. It was Friday. I just had to look at my personal calendar to see what I did that day. I dropped my car off at the shop. I worked with my hockey team. And I ended the day watching You with my boyfriend.

It never occurred to me what the date was. I used to keep count of how many days it’d been. It drove at least one friend of mine completely bonkers that I did that. As it turns out, it took me somewhere between 9 and 10 months for that date to bare absolutely zero significance. The 17th is now just another day.

For months and months and months, I didn’t understand my world. My thoughts were a jumbled disaster in my mind. I had to write in order to make some sense of what was going on inside my head as the life that I once knew ceased to exist and came crumbling down in what felt like an utter catastrophe. I can’t begin to explain the urge that came over me, willing me to write. Or the peace that fell upon me once I was able to get it out.

Word by word, sentence by sentence, blog by blog, I processed my internal world. Until one day, I realized my thoughts were not written in scribbles. I finally had clarity. And so, I became silent.

My internal world feels at peace. I feel a beautiful sense of incredible peace. It settled upon me like a silky cloak, unnoticed, yet luxurious and delightfully received. My reward after months of reflection, tears, and so much personal work.

For the past month, I have found further peace in editing pictures from my trip to Greece (some favorites are pictured below). It feels as though I have an endless supply of memories to paint and that is exactly where I’ve been wanting to spend the time I normally would’ve set aside for writing.

Over the past couple months, I’ve also been gifted with a different kind of perspective. Two lives running parallel with enough distance for me to listen.

And, thankfully, I was able to remain open and truly listen. Which served only to deepen this sweet, internal peace that began to blossom in Greece.

I picture myself as a lotus flower. I’ve risen. Above that beautiful, sparkling water line.

And I’ve finally bloomed.

Today, as I sit here writing this, I feel as though I’m the best version of myself that has ever existed. I know what I want. I know what it takes to attain it. And maintain it. And this is only the beginning. For tomorrow, the goal is to be just a bit better than I was today. I have so much yet to learn and experience and you know what? That excites me.

I dream again. I no longer live one breath at a time.

And, on most days, I’m fearless.

Because there’s something significant that occurs when you’ve been completely shattered. I never would’ve taken my own life, but I’m not going to lie… There were plenty of days, especially at the beginning, where I sped to over 100 on the highway and pictured myself steering straight into something solid. But only for a second. For so long, I just wanted it to end. I didn’t want my life to end. Just “it.” The drama. The confusing loss of some in my community. The bleak, empty feeling that I knew for certain was never going to go away.

When you hit that low, and then rise above, feeling happier and more authentic than ever in the whole of your life, you realize complete vulnerability is beautiful. And oh, so marvelously freeing! Because you fully understand that you are capable of withstanding damn near any potential future pain that will try to invade your peace. And because of that, you can’t imagine living any other way than all in and out loud.

As life twists and turns, I’m sure I’ll have another time where I’ll feel this desperate compulsion to write to understand. Or, like I did at the beginning, to write to remember and understand. For now, though, I feel no such need. But I do have somewhere around 1250 pictures to go through and edit. Which has quickly become one of my most favorite things to do. And goodness, there are so many other dreams to chase!

My world is calm, once again. The storm has, for now at least, passed.

I have bloomed and feel every bit of the sun’s warmth upon me. Even on the cloudy days.

I am happy.

And filled with peace.

And I surely wouldn’t be here today without the support from you, my community. You have been my sunshine. You never let me stay down for long. As much as my time is now intentionally filled elsewhere, there’s no doubt I will see you here again every now and then. I am genuinely grateful for your love and support and can only hope you will be filled with the same unconditional love so many of you have shown me.

May your days be also filled with true bliss and absolute peace. I have so much love for you all.

life

263 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

Perhaps it’s because it’s the end of the year. Or because it’s my birthday month and I’ll be entering the last year of my 30’s in 25 days. Or because I’ve experienced some “endings” recently. But I’ve been feeling a strong sense of “the end.” I’ve thought a lot about my own mortality. Like, a lot. I’m more aware than ever that things just end. And they can change “in the blink of an eye,” as the saying goes.

I feel anxious and unsettled. I no longer feel as though I belong here. Not here in this world, but here as in physically here, right now, in this house, in this town…in this country, even. Don’t get me wrong. I’m quite happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Now I just realize that there’s so much more! And I question, what am I even doing now? Why am I satisfied with this?

Well, as it turns out, I’m not.

It’s an interesting space to be in…to both want to make goals for my future and simultaneously understand that everything could change in the space of time it takes to receive and open an email. How do I make plans for when my daughter graduates in 7.5 years while also remembering that any plan I had on March 17, 2019 at 6:07 pm was annihilated by 6:08 pm?

I’m a dreamer. I always have been. And I have big dreams. No. Plans. I have these great plans in my head that I will make come to fruition. I suppose flexibility is key. Understanding that the only constant is change, so I’ll have to roll with the punches as life continues to move forward, bringing all the joys and catastrophes that it has a way of springing upon us.

What I’m realizing now, more than ever, is that I have to be careful. And intentional. The only way, I think, for me to get around this feeling of being unsettled, of feeling so lost, really, is to actively work towards achieving my goals. My goals, which I’ve rather ignored lately because, you know, life…they ground me. Goals firmly root me to the present while, at the very same time, give me hope for the future.

Which is so important. Because without hope, without some enticing and beautiful vision for the future, life becomes ever so much more challenging. At least, I feel that way. While I know that all the plans and goals I have today may change, I would be lost without them. They’re like a light that shines on my path, giving me a direction to follow. And because I know my path isn’t a straight line, I need that light to guide me.

With focus and intention, I keep taking one step after another, following my path wherever it may lead.

I have to trust the journey.

My eyes are wide open now. I’m seeing with more clarity than ever before. And I want to give this gift to my daughter, as well. The world is vast and magnificent. The adventures – limitless. We are so much more than what we think we know!

I used to say that Colorado was my forever home. I wanted to settle here and never leave. Now, I can’t imagine only knowing this state’s beauty for the rest of my years. My heart is calling me elsewhere. Currently, I left a piece of it in Greece. With future travels, I may leave pieces of my heart in other far-away lands, left as breadcrumbs to lead me back someday.

I can only hope that’s true.

When I got back from Greece, with my eyes shining from all the self-truths uncovered, my soul bursting with radiant joy, I was chatting with a couple girlfriends. One of them turned and said to me, “You are so much bigger than Colorado Springs.”

It touched my heart deeply when she said that. And that sentence has been tossed around inside my head since the second she said it.

We all are so much bigger than what we have in front of us…than what we think we are capable of…than what we assume we know.

We just have to act on it. Take giant leaps of faith. Charge through this life, with confidence, authenticity, and vulnerability, open to whatever stumbles upon our path and ready to unquestionably go forth in a certain direction, when we may find that fork in our road.

My journey over the last 263 days has been incredible. The growth? Immeasurable. The epiphanies? Monumental and truly life-changing.

But I think it’s because, at some point, I stopped fighting against it. I began to trust my journey and became open to everything, seeing obstacles as opportunities and embracing the challenges, rather than fighting against them and complaining about them. At some point, through conversations with others and intense self-reflection, I stopped being the victim of my circumstances and began to take charge of this new life and everything it has to offer.

Because, goodness, is it ever abundant.

I am filled with more sincere joy and love than ever in my life. I am more open to possibility and adventure. I am more vulnerable and authentic. My light shines brighter now than it ever has before. My world is more colorful and vibrant. I feel filled, deep down to my core, with overwhelming gratitude, peace, and clarity.

Seven and a half years will surely go by in a blink. My future awaits me. But, in order to reach it, there is much to do in quite little time. My goals are significant and will take considerable time and effort. And failure. Which only means opportunities for more growth.

It’s all part of the journey that I am now so eager to embrace.

When I first started writing this morning, I was in a bit of a melancholy mood. Viewing the “endings” that have recently come to light with a certain level of sadness. But it’s all about how we frame it, isn’t it?

My history, as broken as it is, fills me with gratitude. For it is because of my journey thus far that has made me more whole than I have ever been.

So, for today at least, I am taking full advantage of this winding path that I’ve been on and where it has lead me, honoring the grand voyage that is this life, and choosing the lenses with which to see it all.

And in case you’re wondering, those lenses are rosy colored. For me, they almost always have been and with positive intention, I’m sure they always will be.

This journey is bright and beautiful and twisty and filled with bumps and hardships and difficulties. There are endings and failures and opportunities and hope. Ultimately, it’s filled with purpose and intention and we take from it exactly what we want to, growing only as long as we’re willing to surrender to true vulnerability and face our fears head on.

There’s far more beauty in the last 263 days than I ever could’ve imagined. From once feeling completely shattered to now brimming with a sense of direction and wholeness I never could’ve imagined for myself.

I now know, without question, that there is more for me beyond what I thought I always knew. With every ending is a new beginning.

So, bring on the new year. And this last year of my 30’s. Because now, I can’t wait to see how it all begins.

life

27 1/2 Hours

A Graceful Catastrophe

As I write these words, I’ve been awake for the last 27 and a half hours. I’m tired, but feel more alert right now than I did a few hours ago. At 2:45 am, my alarm woke me up in Greece. It was the last sound I wanted to hear and gave me an emotional start to the day, knowing I was leaving behind the most incredible country filled with equally wonderful people. Though leaving everything I came to love about Greece behind, I at least got to bring back with me my memories from a trip of a lifetime and sooo many pictures. (On that note, check out theatlasroamers.com and book a photography trip with them. As you can read here, they’re so much more than a photography workshop, as Billy says, they are an “open school.” You’ll walk away with so much more than photography skills. I know I did.)

All day, from Athens to Amsterdam to Salt Lake City, then finally to home, I had a lot of time to think. And think. Then process and think some more. And then I came home and had a conversation with a friend, causing me to pause and really analyze the massive changes occurring within.

And then it finally clicked. The person I once was lacked confidence and looked to others to show her that she was valuable. But, lovely irony here, others valued me only exactly to the extent that I showed them I was worth. And I didn’t think I was worth much. So, of course my ex did what he did. And of course others have treated me as a doll on a shelf, to be taken down and given attention only at their convenience. That was all I thought I was worthy of – their actions matched the energy I put out.

How could I expect to be cared for and truly respected when I wasn’t caring for nor truly respecting myself? And, boy, do I love to make excuses for other people and their actions – too busy with ______, too stressed about ______ , too tired because ______ , or lashing out because their hangry. Their behavior was never because they just didn’t care. *facepalm* Look. If someone values you, they’ll show it. They’ll make the time for you because, in their eyes, you’re worth it.

You know, it has really *finally* sunk in that so much of who I was for a long time was rooted in not believing in myself. I tried so hard to convince myself of all the things that I wanted desperately to believe were true. I behaved with this frantic urgency, as it turns out (this post explains this behavior more), because I was trying to prove something to myself. If I did it, then I was good enough. I was enough. So I did all the things. So many of my decisions over the last few months came from the intense insecurity that came from years of being told by my ex that I was awful. And that no matter what I did, I was never enough for him.

My solo trip to Greece was to prove to myself that I could do anything I wanted to on my own. That yes, I absolutely was an empowered and strong woman. But I was doing things outwardly to fix myself inwardly.

As I learned, it doesn’t quite work that way. It takes hard work and effort and more self-reflection than I ever imagined. The physical act of going to Greece was huge, indeed. But it was everything that happened there that reignited the fire within and helped me realize my worth. I think the epiphanies could’ve probably happened anywhere, really. At least, anywhere there could’ve been a quiet, solo escape, where I would’ve had the opportunity to feel truly vulnerable and live in that space for a while. We should all experience that feeling. I’ve found that, at least for me, silence and vulnerability are huge for personal growth.

Conversations with my dear photographer friends helped, as well, as did the beauty and kindness of the perfect strangers I encountered on my travels. People are genuinely good. Well…let me re-word that. People genuinely have good intentions. Their follow-through, as I am learning, depends greatly on my very own energy. How I am being treated is exactly because that is what I am allowing to take place. People will live up to whatever bar you set for them, so if you set it low, don’t be surprised when their behavior matches that. Or, sometimes, they will leave your life. It’s that simple. And when they go, sad as it may be, I accept it as a pretty obvious message that my path is being cleared of the clutter that would’ve continued to hold me back and keep me from growing properly.

And if I frame it just right, then I get excited. Because within every transition lies an opportunity.

But it all takes time. Transitions are hard. Change can be massively difficult.

And also so incredibly worth it.

I wrote here, which was a few blogs ago, how I fell in love with myself while in Greece. I went a step further and made a commitment to myself. While walking along the streets of Athens, heading towards the Parliament building to watch the changing of the guards, I passed this cute little jewelry store. Something inside told me to slow down and to look at the display. When I did, several rings jumped out at me and I tried a few on. I felt like Goldilocks, eating the bears’ porridge. There was one I really liked and was pretty sure I’d be buying it. But then, when looking back at the display one last time, it was like all the angel voices sounded in my head. There was this ring. It was beautiful. I asked about it and she said it’s strictly a left-handed ring. I asked the sweet woman running the store what she meant by that. She said here, try it on. You’ll see.

And forget it. It was as though Cinderella had found her slipper! The other rings were too this or too that. This one, though? Absolute perfection. And how fitting that its place on a hand is the left ring finger. As I slipped it on, I made a commitment to myself that I would love myself truly and deeply from that point forward. In theory, that’s the exact practice I should put into place. In reality, it’s so, so very hard for me. For so long, I accommodated others, excusing their lousy behaviors, refusing to truly see them. Old habits die hard.

But, as in any commitment, it takes constant work, reflection, and daily, sometimes even hourly, re-commitment. As things come along my path, I’m committed to only move forth with the radiant and loving energy I now feel within.

And when somebody shows me who they are, I’m believing them, dammit. The first time. Even when I desperately don’t want to. Because that is true self-love.

life, love

Eating Crow

A Graceful Catastrophe

A few days ago, I was talking with a friend that has this ability to call me out, saying all the difficult things that I need to hear, yet doing so in such a way that makes me pause, rather than defend (for the most part). I definitely don’t want to hear these observations, or answer the questions that inevitably follow, but, the truth of the matter is, in order to really grow, I must listen. And, in the kindest of ways, he makes me question all the things I thought to be true about not only me, but also my past.

After some hardcore self-reflection, I realized I have been a pretty shitty person to my ex. And not just in the last 7 months since I found out about his infidelity, but for years.

I lacked intention.

I lacked compassion and grace.

I reacted to his poor behavior, validating my response because I was a victim. A victim of all the things I’ve written about in previous blogs.

But, you know what? Just because somebody shits on you doesn’t mean you shit on them back. That’s just not being a good human. There’s no validating poor behavior. No matter what.

For my own reasons, I chose to treat my ex poorly. I withdrew. Any affection I’d had for him diminished day by day. I started to only see him in a negative light. I focused on all of his faults. And when I spoke to those closest to me, I complained about him. Incessantly. All I saw were the awful things about him. That was all I chose to see. So, naturally, I convinced myself that my poor behavior towards him was understandable. It was excusable. My awful behavior was valid.

Sure, we all know by now that he did not treat me well. However, I allowed myself to play the role of victim – for years. And have continued to do so for the last 7 months.

Was I a victim? Yep. Did it mean that I had to define myself as that? Nope. But I did. Unconsciously, sure, but I did. Right up until Friday night. Until my friend smacked me with that info.

Oof. That didn’t sit well with me at first. I immediately tried to protest. “But I only behaved that way because he…” No, no, no! That’s not okay. It was time for me to own my actions.

So I bit my tongue. Literally. And I sat there in silence, continuing to listen to what he was saying. I processed this info longer than anything else we talked about that night.

I lived in a place of constant hurt. And anger. And I held onto those emotions tighter with every breath I took.

And when someone’s words and actions constantly hurt, there are some defense mechanisms that have to be put into place for survival.

Or so I thought.

So, that’s what I did. I began to shut down. To be perfectly honest with myself, and, I suppose, you, my ex eventually ceased to exist to me. Over time, he wasn’t someone I fought for or tried to engage with. I loved him, and at the same time, I didn’t really care about him. And I gave myself all the valid reasons for my actions.

  • “Because he hurts me.”
  • “Because he doesn’t care about my feelings. Or my job. Or my day. Or (insert reason here).
  • “Because he doesn’t respect me.”

And guess what? It showed. It showed that he was an inconsequential human in my life.

He felt it.

I’m not sure which happened first. Did I shut down first or did he? Who shit on whom first?

Honestly, it doesn’t matter. We both turned away from one another. And we both convinced ourselves that it was okay. Because of that ugly place of being hurt. Both of us just wanted to feel love from the other. And neither of us was receiving it.

We were stuck in a negative loop so deeply entrenched in anger and hurt, stubbornness and frustration, that we both made decisions, some deliberate and intentional, others lacking complete intentionality, that drove a very solid wedge between us.

Let me be clear – hindsight is 20/20. In the moment, I never saw this. I actually didn’t see any of this until that conversation a few days ago. But the very ugly truth is that, over time, I came to care so little about him, and his feelings, that I would live my life with absolutely zero regard towards how my actions would affect him. He became insignificant and unimportant in my life.

Guys, we were married. I was his wife. And, though it was unintentional, I was, at the very least, a big giant jerk to him and at the very most, an astonishingly cold-hearted and inconsiderate human.

Just because it was unintentional doesn’t make it okay. Sure, I didn’t set out in the morning, when I opened my eyes, and plan how I was going to hurt him that day. I also didn’t set out that morning, when I opened my eyes, and plan how I would fill his life with happiness that day.

Truly loving somebody else is placing their happiness above your own. Seeing them happy should make you happy.

I didn’t care about his happiness. Because he didn’t care about mine.

Goodness, how wrong that thinking is!

Look at what it did, the outcome of that thought process…and to so many lives.

For the last 7 months, and for years before that, even if I thought that perhaps my actions could hurt him, I didn’t care. If it was something I wanted to do, I’d do it. His reaction to my actions weren’t my fault.

But, in a lot of ways, they were.

It wasn’t that I would purposely do something to hurt him. I’m not consciously evil. It’s that I wouldn’t think twice and consider that my actions could perhaps hurt him. He was that inconsequential to me.

Ouch.

Time for this incredibly inconsiderate person to eat crow.

Should he have betrayed me for almost a year? Of course not. Is it my fault? Of course not.

Were we operating from a place of love towards one another? Of course not.

My happiness didn’t matter to him. His happiness didn’t matter to me. Neither one of us mattered to the other.

Again…ouch.

I see the wife I was to him. I see it now, at least. Operating from a place of hurt and anger is simply a terrible way to live. And just because his behavior was poor and it did cause me pain and damage, it still doesn’t excuse my shitty behavior. I’m a grown woman capable of making sound decisions. I’m intuitive and bright. I engage in self-reflection. Yet, I chose to play the role of victim and react with venom, adding to the toxic environment. And then I justified it.

Not anymore.

My friend encouraged me to try to finally forgive. And not just my ex. But to take an honest look at my role in this and then forgive myself. He told me that it was an absolutely essential step in my ability to move forward. In the moment of that conversation, I probably looked at him like he was crazy.

But you know what? He’s right. So I have. I am. I’ve already begun to let my hurt go. I’ve come to terms with all the circumstances that have ultimately brought me here, to today, and to writing this blog.

If I want to move forward and continue to grow, if I want to be a positive and loving example to my daughter, and if I want to have any chance at having a healthy relationship in the future, I have to be a good human. And I have to face the realities that, during my marriage and right up until this last Friday night, I was not. And I have to not only forgive him, but I have to forgive myself.

So today, I am at a place where I have hope. I have hope that we can be civil to one another. I have hope that we can respect one another. I have hope that we will be supportive and kind to our future new spouses. I have hope that, someday, all 4 of us will be incredible parents to our marvelous little girl.

I have hope that, from this day forward (or, at least, most of the days that will follow), I will make the daily choice to walk through this life with purposeful intention, acting from a place filled with grace, and of love, which is once again filling my heart.

Crow has never tasted so good.

life, love

Piece by Piece

A Graceful Catastrophe

Some days you’re reminded of exactly who you are. Just how broken you really are. How much further you have to go. And you wonder if you’ll ever get “there.” To the place where you feel true contentment and peace.

I thought I was in a good place. I am strong. Blunt. Honest. Transparent. I self-reflect. A lot. I want to be a better me tomorrow than I was today.

And then something comes by while you’re walking this path to remind you that you aren’t exactly doing it right. What you’re presenting to the world doesn’t match with what is going on in the depths of your soul.

Because it is in those depths that a great void still exists. And I’m trying desperately to fill it. And the kicker is, I’m trying to fill it disingenuously. I’m stealing little bits of myself, sacrificing my authenticity, for just a moment, in order to try to fill the hole.

And do you know what’s left? A bigger hole. Because I stole from myself to try to fill it and just left myself more broken than when I started.

Or, at least, that’s how it feels.

This journey started 163 days ago. Just over 23 weeks. 5 months, 10 days.

Time is a funny thing. With each day that passes, I learn something new about myself. I have days where I feel like I could conquer the biggest obstacles in one fell swoop. There are others where merely opening my eyes is a feat all on its own.

The roller coaster is far from over. And that realization really sucks because I thought I was getting somewhere.

But it turns out, I’m just as defeated today as I was when I received that email on St. Patrick’s Day.

Perhaps this is it? Maybe this is just real life. There are days where you feel like a beast and nothing can tear you down. And then there are other days where you feel like you’ve taken a punch to the gut from the Hulk in full rage mode and it does so much more damage than just take your breath away.

Does this happen to you? And if so, how do you not feel like a fraud on your strong days? Because you’re reminded, on the not so great ones, just exactly how weak you really are.

Days like today I truly hate him. And I hate myself for allowing him to tear me down, piece by piece, over so many years. Sometimes, the extent of the damage from his awful words sucker punches me. His venom was sprinkled over me like such a fine mist that I barely realized the destruction that was happening within. After years and years, that fine mist added up to something much more like a dense fog. And I’m still trying to fight my way out of it.

But at least I’m fighting.

I know I’m shattered. I know my pieces are so destroyed that they’re barely recognizable and incredibly difficult to try to put back together. But piece by piece, I’m putting myself back together. In these moments, the ones that suck, is where my growth occurs. I stare at the pieces of my soul, scattered and shattered, that were left behind after the catastrophe blew up my world, and am completely overwhelmed by the destruction.

And then I’ll take a breath. Remind myself of exactly who I am. And garner the strength to put myself back together again.

Piece by piece.

All the while trying to give myself grace. Because this is going to take some time.

life, Uncategorized

90 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

As I write this, it’s two days shy of 3 months since I received an email that completely and irrevocably changed my world. It’s been exactly 90 days.

When I left my first husband in January of 2008, a lot happened in those first 3 months. A lot of fun was had and life was carefree. Then, by early April, I was in an exclusive relationship with future ex-husband #2.

I can’t even begin to imagine trying to be in a relationship at this point. I mean, come on, let’s be real… I can’t think of ever being exclusive with someone again, but for sure not after 3 months! I was with my first husband from late 1998, when we’d started dating, until early 2008. Almost 10 years together. And just a bit more than three, short, insignificant months later, I was already in another relationship.

Ex-husband #2 and I were together almost exactly 11 years. I didn’t choose to leave him so the way this is going down is significantly different than with #1. My feelings, my heart, my everything, really, is completely changed. The way I perceive life has been catastrophically altered. After #1, I still believed in love. I still saw the world through a set of beautifully romantic lenses. Perhaps that’s why it only took me about 3 months to be in a relationship again.

There’s an interesting parallel that’s beginning to develop between the end of this marriage and marriage #1. After just about 3 months post leaving my first husband, I was ready to calm down some and re-focus my energies. It just so happened to be in the form of a new relationship with now ex-husband #2. Today, early this morning, a feeling from deep within started bubbling to the surface. I’m undergoing a bit of a transformation, something feels slightly different now, in how I’m approaching life and how I see the world around me.

So much has happened in 90 days, yet I still wonder who I am and I constantly question what I believe. I have moments of sadness that are so great that even breathing feels like an impossible task. I have super low lows and also pretty magnificent highs. And the rest of the time it just “is.” I run through the motions. I take care of my daughter. I workout and hang out with friends. We laugh. I cry. Some days, the moments range from feeling quite “normal” to catastrophic to incredible. All within hours of each other.

For example, yesterday was such a day. The morning was great. The afternoon was filled with sadness and I felt like a zombie, simply going through the motions. Then the evening was one of my favorites I’ve had in the last 90 days. That’s a lot of emotion to process in just one 24 hour period!

But that’s also the way it has been, day after day, one after another, strung together now for 90 days. There’s just so much emotion to process in each 24 hour period. And it’s been exhausting! I’m seeing hope on the horizon, though, that the sea is about to calm significantly, going into these next 90 days. I feel something shifting within and I’m curious as to where it’s going to take me.

I’ve learned a lot, I think, in the last 90 days. Mostly, about people. People are inherently good. I’m no longer afraid to talk to a stranger or go to Target after dark or sit by myself at a restaurant or bar. Literally, guys, these were things I didn’t do because the fear was so all consuming. I catastrophized and feared so much that it stifled my life. Now, so many of those fears and hesitations no longer exist. I’m becoming far more confident in who I am and in going after what I want.

Unapologetically.

I’ve spoken with more random strangers in the last couple of months than I probably have in the last 10 years total. And the freedom to just connect with other humans is so beautiful! It has opened up my world. I’ve experienced things that I normally wouldn’t have ever even tried before. I’m being introduced to new music, food, drinks, places…all because I have stepped out of my comfort zone (okay, I was thrown from it) and I’m creating a new comfort zone. I am free to reinvent myself and to explore life in a way I never have before.

It’s energizing. And exciting. And liberating.

On this journey of reinventing myself, I’ve had to do an insane amount of self-reflection. And over the last 90 days, I have reached some hard truths. I realized, finally, that I lost myself for a while. I threw myself into being not only a mom, but the best mom there could possibly ever be. I also was incredibly sick for years and, man, living with a chronic illness really changes you. And then, all of a sudden, I was this person who was not me. She just wasn’t Katrina. But nobody could’ve told me that. I would never have believed it.

I know that I was a big problem of why my marriage sucked. It takes two, for sure, but in talking with someone tonight, it hit me that I probably started the negative cycle we were stuck in by not reaching out and getting help after my daughter was born. I blamed myself for her traumatic birth and lived with that for way too long. I put my husband on the back burner because he was not a helpless little child that almost died because of his mother’s stubbornness. He was a grown adult who didn’t need me.

But he did. And it surely wasn’t fair for me to treat him like an afterthought. Not only did I just not know any better, it wasn’t a conscious decision. I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing. So he struggled, of course, with being an afterthought, and that also changed our dynamic. He wasn’t understanding or compassionate towards me. I viewed him as selfish – didn’t he understand why I couldn’t be anything more than a mom to this helpless little girl? But of course he didn’t understand. It is very difficult to understand irrational behavior and my behavior was exactly that. Like I said, I needed help. In those moments, though, I didn’t think I did. Hindsight is always perfect, isn’t it?

So here we are. 90 days later. The actions of our pasts are permanent and irreversible. We can be sorry for our parts we played and also understand that somethings are just too great to come back from. My ex’s cheating and lying for so long – that betrayal – is far too great to come back from. It changed me to my core and has made me question everything I thought I knew or believed.

It also put me on a path towards a new sense of freedom and discovery. There are no expectations, limitations, boundaries, and, most importantly, no fear. It’s incredible how much fear and worry I had. How it snowballed, too, and magnified my fear. And it’s even more astounding that it’s *mostly* been erased. I think it’s because everything I avoided out of fear was to keep me from being hurt (physically or emotionally).

I’ve now been so deeply hurt that I literally can’t put it into words.

The pain is truly indescribable. There isn’t much that could make me feel lower than I have in certain moments over the last 90 days. So my attitude and approach towards life is now just so free of concern. Because nothing (pretty much) will ever hurt this bad so why not take the risk and go for it? If I end up getting hurt, it still won’t be this bad, so it doesn’t even matter. To know that I am rising above this pain means that I am capable of rising above whatever adversity is thrown in my direction.

Well, except when we’re talking about that “r” word. That’s something where I am making a conscious decision to avoid at all costs. I’m surely not ready to consider being in a relationship. I may never want to go down that road, to be that vulnerable again. That’s pretty much the only thing that could make me feel this low, so out of self-preservation, there isn’t much need to be in a relationship. Ever. Well, that’s how I feel today. That level of connection is just not anything that needs to exist in my world. And I don’t want it to.

But I digress… Back to rising above! I think part of the shift I’m feeling today is that I’m focusing more on the positive life changes that my ex’s actions are bringing me. I’ve never felt more confident. I’ve never realized the strength I have within. On those extremely difficult days, I still survive. As exhausting as it is, I take a breath…and then another. I’ve survived through incredible pain that stems from a betrayal so deep that it’ll be a long time before I process all of those layers.

For 90 days now.

I’ve done a ridiculous amount of self-reflection. I mean, really looking at myself. And I have no regrets about who I am becoming. I’ve learned that I can be exactly who I want to be and that this moment, right now, is the only thing that is real. I’ve learned to live in moments, not days, weeks, months, or years. I’ve learned to let go of expectations and just be. I’m open to try things I never would’ve before. I’ve learned that living out loud is the most freeing and wonderful way to live.

Life is difficult. For all of us. Every single one of us has something we’re going through. If anything, I hope to inspire you all to live out loud. Unapologetically be who you want to be, even if it differs greatly from societal pressures. This is your life and you are free to pursue your happiness as you see fit. And you definitely do not have to live according to tradition or society’s rules. That is far too stifling and you end up losing yourself. Live in the moments of life and actively seek out those moments that make you smile as often as you can. Don’t worry about what tomorrow could bring – just be. Right now is the only reality that matters. It’s the only thing that exists.

At least, that’s what I am doing. And because of the freedom to live out loud, unafraid and uninhibited, I have had wonderfully fun experiences and have met more interesting people that I never would’ve even made eye contact with before. By living life this way, by being on this path (thanks to my ex’s betrayal), I feel more alive than I have in a long time. And I’m now incredibly aware of how much I missed out on due to the grip of fear controlling me. My ex has done me a favor, honestly, by causing me to hurt so deeply.

I am no longer afraid. Truly, there is no better gift I could’ve ever been given. Who would’ve thought that I would’ve looked at his infidelity as a way of shaking me awake so I can live the life I want to live? 90 days ago I don’t think I would’ve called this betrayal a gift. Now, though, I feel as though it has empowered me. It has granted me permission to live an uninhibited life. It truly feels limitless.

So in this moment, I am now looking forward to the next 90 days. Who knows who I’ll be by then? What I do know is, whoever I am, I’ll be happy.