Tag: self-worth

life

27 1/2 Hours

A Graceful Catastrophe

As I write these words, I’ve been awake for the last 27 and a half hours. I’m tired, but feel more alert right now than I did a few hours ago. At 2:45 am, my alarm woke me up in Greece. It was the last sound I wanted to hear and gave me an emotional start to the day, knowing I was leaving behind the most incredible country filled with equally wonderful people. Though leaving everything I came to love about Greece behind, I at least got to bring back with me my memories from a trip of a lifetime and sooo many pictures. (On that note, check out theatlasroamers.com and book a photography trip with them. As you can read here, they’re so much more than a photography workshop, as Billy says, they are an “open school.” You’ll walk away with so much more than photography skills. I know I did.)

All day, from Athens to Amsterdam to Salt Lake City, then finally to home, I had a lot of time to think. And think. Then process and think some more. And then I came home and had a conversation with a friend, causing me to pause and really analyze the massive changes occurring within.

And then it finally clicked. The person I once was lacked confidence and looked to others to show her that she was valuable. But, lovely irony here, others valued me only exactly to the extent that I showed them I was worth. And I didn’t think I was worth much. So, of course my ex did what he did. And of course others have treated me as a doll on a shelf, to be taken down and given attention only at their convenience. That was all I thought I was worthy of – their actions matched the energy I put out.

How could I expect to be cared for and truly respected when I wasn’t caring for nor truly respecting myself? And, boy, do I love to make excuses for other people and their actions – too busy with ______, too stressed about ______ , too tired because ______ , or lashing out because their hangry. Their behavior was never because they just didn’t care. *facepalm* Look. If someone values you, they’ll show it. They’ll make the time for you because, in their eyes, you’re worth it.

You know, it has really *finally* sunk in that so much of who I was for a long time was rooted in not believing in myself. I tried so hard to convince myself of all the things that I wanted desperately to believe were true. I behaved with this frantic urgency, as it turns out (this post explains this behavior more), because I was trying to prove something to myself. If I did it, then I was good enough. I was enough. So I did all the things. So many of my decisions over the last few months came from the intense insecurity that came from years of being told by my ex that I was awful. And that no matter what I did, I was never enough for him.

My solo trip to Greece was to prove to myself that I could do anything I wanted to on my own. That yes, I absolutely was an empowered and strong woman. But I was doing things outwardly to fix myself inwardly.

As I learned, it doesn’t quite work that way. It takes hard work and effort and more self-reflection than I ever imagined. The physical act of going to Greece was huge, indeed. But it was everything that happened there that reignited the fire within and helped me realize my worth. I think the epiphanies could’ve probably happened anywhere, really. At least, anywhere there could’ve been a quiet, solo escape, where I would’ve had the opportunity to feel truly vulnerable and live in that space for a while. We should all experience that feeling. I’ve found that, at least for me, silence and vulnerability are huge for personal growth.

Conversations with my dear photographer friends helped, as well, as did the beauty and kindness of the perfect strangers I encountered on my travels. People are genuinely good. Well…let me re-word that. People genuinely have good intentions. Their follow-through, as I am learning, depends greatly on my very own energy. How I am being treated is exactly because that is what I am allowing to take place. People will live up to whatever bar you set for them, so if you set it low, don’t be surprised when their behavior matches that. Or, sometimes, they will leave your life. It’s that simple. And when they go, sad as it may be, I accept it as a pretty obvious message that my path is being cleared of the clutter that would’ve continued to hold me back and keep me from growing properly.

And if I frame it just right, then I get excited. Because within every transition lies an opportunity.

But it all takes time. Transitions are hard. Change can be massively difficult.

And also so incredibly worth it.

I wrote here, which was a few blogs ago, how I fell in love with myself while in Greece. I went a step further and made a commitment to myself. While walking along the streets of Athens, heading towards the Parliament building to watch the changing of the guards, I passed this cute little jewelry store. Something inside told me to slow down and to look at the display. When I did, several rings jumped out at me and I tried a few on. I felt like Goldilocks, eating the bears’ porridge. There was one I really liked and was pretty sure I’d be buying it. But then, when looking back at the display one last time, it was like all the angel voices sounded in my head. There was this ring. It was beautiful. I asked about it and she said it’s strictly a left-handed ring. I asked the sweet woman running the store what she meant by that. She said here, try it on. You’ll see.

And forget it. It was as though Cinderella had found her slipper! The other rings were too this or too that. This one, though? Absolute perfection. And how fitting that its place on a hand is the left ring finger. As I slipped it on, I made a commitment to myself that I would love myself truly and deeply from that point forward. In theory, that’s the exact practice I should put into place. In reality, it’s so, so very hard for me. For so long, I accommodated others, excusing their lousy behaviors, refusing to truly see them. Old habits die hard.

But, as in any commitment, it takes constant work, reflection, and daily, sometimes even hourly, re-commitment. As things come along my path, I’m committed to only move forth with the radiant and loving energy I now feel within.

And when somebody shows me who they are, I’m believing them, dammit. The first time. Even when I desperately don’t want to. Because that is true self-love.

life, love

She Fell in Love in Greece

A Graceful Catastrophe

People say it all the time, the past creates the future, which is why we study history, right? So we, as a society, do not repeat the same mistakes of our ancestors.

But why don’t we choose to study our own histories? Like, dig in and really do some research, as though we’re trying to get our PhD in life. Because it’s hard? Come on…nothing worth it is ever easy or fast. Maybe it’s because we don’t know better.

I didn’t know better.

I feel like I’m now well on my way to earning that PhD, though. I’m exhausted. And oddly energized at the same time. I only have a Master’s Degree, but can fully recall the exhaustion and exhilaration of presenting my thesis. I can only imagine what it’s like to defend a dissertation…

Why am I exhausted and oddly energized? Well, if you’ve been reading from the beginning, you know that my life today is far different than it was 8 months ago. (And if you’re new here, feel free to go check it out. It’s been a wild ride!) So, where was I? Yes, 8 months ago, and a few hours ago, actually. At 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019, the world I knew ceased to exist. And, as it turns out, that’s a wonderful thing.

That catastrophic moment when I opened the email from one of the Ashley Madison lovelies my ex had been having an affair with forced me to spiral completely out of control and then, finally, to make a choice. Do I continue to allow my life to spiral or should I, at long last, face my reality.

I finally decided to face my reality and it has not been an easy journey. For months, this journey was anything but graceful. Though it has been priceless.

I am no longer the same woman I once was…not even close. So, who was I? Those truths are mine, for now. But I will tell you this – after some incredible amount of determination to improve my mental space, I traveled back in time to childhood and began my healing there.

What I discovered was that my childhood wounds were never taken care of properly. And then new wounds layered on top. And that continued for years. Decades, really.

All that strain and stress to my emotional self caused gaping holes that were never patched. I suppose I never quite realized they were even there to be patched. But those wounds shaped me moving forward. I was married the first time at 21 (was it really 21?!). After about a 4 month separation, I was in another committed relationship, this time with husband number 2.

Let’s take a moment to envision my emotional self as a bucket. I kept, up until, like, last week, expecting others to fill my bucket for me. Some tried. The problem, however, is that bucket was riddled with gaping holes, wounds from my past. So, any love I received, any good intention given, filled my bucket and then seeped right on out. I kept waiting for someone else to fill my bucket! Why couldn’t they make me feel as though I was enough? Why wasn’t I worthy of being treated with respect? Both husband #1 and husband #2 were verbally abusive. Both beat me down with their words. I never had any physical scars, but the emotional ones created more holes in my bucket.

If you have something that you view as garbage, how do you treat it? How do you expect others to treat it? For a very long time, for far too long, I looked at myself as garbage. I wasn’t good enough. I battled an eating disorder on and off for a decade and tried to control what I could because there were far too many disappointing aspects of myself that I couldn’t control. I was not fond of myself. I treated myself like garbage with my thoughts and internal dialogue.

Yet, I expected others to treat me differently?! Ridiculous. If I think something is garbage, it’s quite unlikely that anyone else will see any value in it. Ugh, it feels so obvious now. *facepalm*

So, there I was, with a leaky bucket, all wounded and hoping others would come along with a patch kit for me. And now here I am, a month and a half away from 39, and I finally get it.

I have to put on my own patches, radiant and sturdy ones, to plug all of those holes. But first, I have to take the time to carefully find each and every single hole. So, with so much work on myself, I am finding them, one at a time, and I am lovingly patching over my broken bucket.

I feel, now, that I’ve covered most of my holes. Let me be completely clear about this, though. It has been 8 months of losing my mind to find this space within. I’m pretty much constantly in a state of emotional exhaustion. Self-reflection, intensely studying my history, asking myself the hard questions and then journaling about it, doing all the things that has felt right for me, has been emotionally taxing. And fabulously liberating.

With so much self-love and care, my holes are mostly patched and I’m beginning to fill my own bucket. I am not garbage. I am strong. I am capable. And I am enough. I know that. I’ve proven it to myself and, as they say, the proof is in the pudding.

I traveled abroad, by myself, to meet 2 strangers I met on Instagram. They are incredible photographers, which is how I stumbled across one of their pages, and then decided to send him a message. To my utter surprise, he answered. And we began communicating with frequency. I mean, really, it was practically daily. His passion for photography was contagious and his knowledge vast. Just 12 days after I first reached out to him, I decided to go on a private photography tour with him and his business partner and I think it was that day that I booked my tickets to Greece. I don’t quite remember – it all happened very fast.

That moment that I purchased the tickets, in and of itself, was HUGE! I remember feeling pure, boundless joy. In my head, I placed a lot of weight on this trip. It was to be the symbol of my soul’s restoration to peace. A reawakening. A message to myself (and my daughter) that I can, in fact, do whatever I want to do. I am fully capable of doing all things without a man by my side.

The day I left for this epic journey, I was a mess. I should’ve cancelled my morning, as living like a proper adult was rather difficult while in that head space. But, I am an adult and there were things that needed to be done. So, I rushed about to do them. And promptly got a speeding ticket.

When I got to work, the mom and daughter opened the door, and then I immediately started to cry. They were standing there, waiting for me, with gifts to celebrate my one year anniversary of working for them. I spent most of my session crying to these beautiful people.

And then I talked both ears off my dear friend, who’d offered to drive me to the airport. It’s at least an hour and 20 minute drive. I think she maybe said 2 sentences.

Once I was all checked in, I had time to squeeze in one margarita. As I took my first sip, I smiled, and the sighed, contentedly. The woman sitting next to me noticed and made a comment. We both laughed and shortly, were engaged in conversation. I explained to her where I was going – and why. And cried again, of course.

There was a married business man sitting next to me. He had no choice but to listen to my story as I chatted with the sweet lady next to me, as he finished up both his meal and what appeared to be some work. As he got up to leave, he looked me in the eye and said, simply, “Feel better,” and after I said thank you, he left. When I finished my margarita, I went to pay the bill. The bartender told me that it’d been paid for by the gentleman sitting to my right. The “feel better” guy. I completely lost my shit right then and there. Like, full on ugly cried. I was sobbing in a bar at the airport.

This is how I started my trip to Greece.

My head was scattered. Emotional. Anxious. I was a complete and utter wreck. I was doing something unlike anything I’d done for myself before. Alone. Could I do this on my own? No, wait… How could I do this on my own?!

But I did. I made it on my flight and settled in my seat. I made my two connections, landed in Athens, and waited for the cab that was supposed to get me. I found myself in the wrong part of the airport and a kind Greek gentleman told me where I was supposed to go. I contacted my photographer friend I came to Greece to meet and do the tour with and he spoke with my cab driver, making sure he knew where to take me. I got to the bus station, bought my bus fare, ate a Greek pastry, and made it on the right bus. I rode that bus for what seemed like forever, but it was only about 4 hours, then got in a taxi to take me to my hotel, where I checked in and made my way to my room. I contacted my photographer friend that I was there, safely.

I did all of that. Yes, with the help of others, but on my own. I made it from Denver to Athens safely and with nothing lost or left behind (though I did almost forget my suitcase on the bus… *eyeroll*). I am so used to someone double checking things for me that I wasn’t sure I’d be capable of any of this on my own.

Yet, I’m here. I’m still in Greece, in the middle of my photography tour, with 2 of the most wonderful humans I could’ve ever connected with. And they started as random strangers that I met through pretty pictures on instagram. (** Side note. Picture this. I wrote to one of them and told him that his pictures made me want to go there and see it all in person. Today, I saw through his lens, literally and figuratively, as I took my own pictures in the exact locations his pictures portrayed. Actively live life and things will happen that will blow your mind! **)

I took a risk. Somehow, I was able to force myself to take that risk, realizing I’d never prove to myself that I was “enough” of anything until I actually did something of some great magnitude. And now it’s paying off in ways I probably still don’t even realize. I have been in Greece for only 3 full days. I still have 4 full days to go.

And I’ve already fallen in love. Completely. Madly. Wildly.

I’ve fallen in love in Greece…with myself.

My bucket’s patches are holding strong – for now. Of course it’s a patch job, so there will be leaks and cracks that are bound to occur. Which is why this, proper self-care, is now a lifelong act. I cannot ever expect anyone else to make me feel as though I am enough. I have to believe it first for myself. I have to see my worth. I have to know that I am priceless.

And I do. Every single day is magical. Every day I have a choice to talk to myself rather than to simply listen to the old messages. Well, those messages? They’re being erased and replaced with a mantra I now tell myself throughout the day. The words are positive and reflect strength. They are superbly healing. My conversations within are filled with light and love for myself. When I begin to doubt, or self-criticize, or feel unworthy, I switch to my mantra and repeat it until I feel it burning true in my soul.

I am strong. I am capable. I am enough.

The more I say it, the more I believe it to be true. The more it becomes my internal message during times of doubt, stress, and hurt. No longer do I need to seek the attention from others to make me feel good and valued. It isn’t anyone else’s job to do that. Sure, do I like it when others make me feel good? Of course! Genuine compliments are beautiful and they make me smile. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

But I no longer depend on them. I see me. I see my worth. And you know what that means?

I am free. And I am happy. More so than I think I have ever felt in my entire adult life. The love and radiance in my heart and soul is pure bliss. So much, that I frequently find myself with a little smile on my face and then I sigh contentedly (much to one of my photographer’s unease *hehehe*).

All is good in this world of mine. And it just keeps on getting better. I am, quite honestly, now looking forward to this journey. Life is nothing but an adventure and I’m finally strong enough to see it that way.

So, if you find yourself struggling with your own self-worth, I would highly recommend you push out of your comfort zone – whatever that means to you. See what you’re actually capable of that you never thought you could do. Safely, obviously. Perhaps it’s sitting alone at a restaurant, enjoying a meal with only your own thoughts to keep you company. Perhaps it’s going to Target alone after dark. Those were both things I started with, both rather benign activities to some but that made my heart race and palms sweaty. Safely, with calculation, push yourself out of your comfort zone. Start small. Be smart about it. And then watch yourself grow and see where it leads.

I can promise you this, though: there is no better feeling than unconditionally loving yourself. You’ll be amazed with what follows when that finally happens. Tonight, I am sending my love to you all. May you feel it, understand how to create it from within, and go fall in love with yourself. And then keep doing so, throughout every moment of this marvelous life of yours.

You are strong. You are capable. You are enough. ❤️

Photo Credit: Chris Nanos www.theatlasroamers.com
life, love

Fireworks!

A Graceful Catastrophe

I feel anxious. But not anxious bad. Excited anxious. Things firing all over the place anxious.

There is just so much going on right now, in all aspects of my life, and I feel like my world is exploding in an entirely different way than it did 169 days ago (yes, I’m still keeping count. I’m a numbers person. I like the data. *grin*). Like, fireworks exploding.

For years and years, I felt like I had 2 lives in one, and they were never jiving together. The professional side and the personal side. Usually, the reality was I’d be rocking it professionally but sucking at the personal side of life. And I was reminded, pretty frequently over the last 6 or so years, exactly how awful of a wife I was.

But I was killing it professionally. And as a mom. I just sucked as a wife.

But right now, today, the split road has joined into one, wide, beautiful road. I picture this road as the “White Way of Delight,” for all you Anne of Green Gables readers out there. My life is finally jiving in all aspects. Professionally AND personally. Fireworks!

Thinking about where my company is going to go over this next school year gets me so excited that I feel like my insides are literally buzzing. And then, one of my best friends and I are going into business, taking a giant leap of faith – together. And it’s going to be incredible. I can feel that in my bones, too. My book is already outlined out, I just have to start writing and it will be an actual and legit book soon enough.

My friends and my community are about the best people in the whole entire world and they make my day to day a better place to exist. I couldn’t have made it past all those dark days without the support from all of you, my dearest community. You lifted me up out of the trenches time and again and I owe my everything to you. You’re all getting wine, tequila, after my book gets published and I can afford all that alcohol, but I can give you all tons of hugs in the meantime. *wink* I owe you the world for being so wonderful over these last, awful *almost* 6 months.

I cannot believe it’s been almost 6 months. Half a year already. Wow!

I feel like it was 5 years ago, though. Or, more accurately, an actual lifetime ago.

I have changed so much and I wouldn’t go back to who I used to be for a second. This new me is daring, spontaneous, and can’t be bothered to care very much about living the cautious life I once did.

This life is meant to be rocked. I’m grabbing the bull by its horns and hanging on for dear life. I’m taking risks, both personally and professionally, that I would’ve only dreamed about in the past.

I’m open to the positive energy of my world and it’s being returned to me 100 fold.

I absolutely cannot wait to see where it takes me.

And I think this is all happening now because I’m finally listening. And not just to people’s words, but to their actions. One of my all-time favorite people, Maya Angelou, once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I’m done jamming a square peg into a round hole just because I would prefer it if it fit.

I’m listening. Carefully.

And remember when I had my epiphany that I am enough? And then, if you’ve been reading my blogs and following along, you’ve seen that it’s been a roller coaster of believing it and then having to convince myself all over again.

When someone behaved in a hurtful manner in the past, or in a way that I just didn’t really appreciate, I’d think to myself, “What did I do to make them behave in such a way?”

I’d blame myself. Fully. And then beat myself up for it over and over again.

I wouldn’t necessarily always reflect, either. I just owned the other person’s actions. Because, I thought, since I wasn’t ever enough for pretty much everyone, it seemed, it was obviously my fault. Obviously, an area where I was lacking was what caused them to become upset with me – or ignore me – or whatever negative action it was.

Now, though, it’s becoming like water off a duck’s back. I no longer take it personally. I know it’s not about me. Because if it were, and if it were a valuable relationship, and I did do something offensive, then I would be approached and a proper conversation would be had.

But proper conversations are not being had. So I know it isn’t about me. And I no longer question my worth over it. It’s not about me. Because now I know I’m enough. I know that I add value to other people’s lives. And I know where my heart is.

Guys, I actually and genuinely love myself. Every single bit of me. This might be the first time in my life where that statement is true.

It’s so freeing to feel so sure about myself. It’s so freeing to approach life with absolute fearless self-confidence that I am willing to take blind leaps of faith, both personally and professionally. Like opening a completely new business, independent of my successful academic support business. And to have so much self-assurance that it will absolutely be something that makes my heart swell with pride, just like my current business does.

There’s something to be said about living a truly authentic and fearless life. I am no longer guarded against the world. I’m not even jaded like I once was. I’m learning to not overthink situations. I’m learning that, in order to live honestly and purely, to truly absorb everything life could possibly be, you must be willing to humble yourself and open your heart.

Even if it means that leads to eventual pain.

I strongly believe that a painless existence is a safe, and therefore, boring one. I do not want to live a safe, guarded life, simply to protect myself from the potential of being hurt. I am embracing this life and all that comes my way.

Because everything just is. This moment. This breath. This is the only thing that is real. And not only am I learning how to accept that, I’m also fully understanding that people’s actions towards me oftentimes have very little to do with me.

And that’s just as equally freeing of a feeling. And maybe that’s part of why I am not worried about the potential inevitability of pain. I’m overcoming a double whammy of pain – that of loss and betrayal. And I’m understanding that what pushed my ex actually had quite little to do with me. I’m also fully accepting that this is all part of my journey. And I now know just how strong I can be.

I used to get so frustrated if someone didn’t behave in a manner I wanted, or hoped, they would. Now? Well, most days, at least: whatever. Seriously. I just don’t have time for that. I have no expectations that I place on others – because as a dear friend once told me, “Expectations are just future resentments.”

So, where I once hoped others would behave in a certain way, I no longer do that. They’re going to respond to life based on the baggage they are carrying around. And that’s not my problem, nor does it have anything to do with me or my self-worth.

Everyone has their own pile of shit. Life is hard. It’s hard for literally every single person I know. And we all deal with our “hard” in our own ways. No one individual’s “hard” is any harder than anyone else’s and no one way to trudge through it is better than another.

We are all just navigating through life, hanging on for our dear lives sometimes, all while carrying our baggage and smelling our pile of shit that permanently, or at least semi-permanently, lives in front of our faces. It’s impossible to ignore (though so many of us try, in vain, to pretend it doesn’t exist.).

We can try to re-frame the negative and use new phrases in order to replace the negative self-talk. We can re-train our brain and re-focus our mindsets. But we’re still going through our own storms. And our baggage will forever be a part of our story.

And that is absolutely okay. There is nothing wrong with that. Unconditional love and understanding for others is all we can give. I no longer feel like I have to harbor anger or resentment because it has nothing to do with me. Perhaps your bag is extremely large, heavy, and awkward to carry. Mine was, too, for a while. I’m not sure if it’s getting lighter, or if I’ve just developed a better system in order to carry it, but my baggage is no longer completely weighing me down like it once did.

Let me get a little more personal with you for a second: part of my baggage is that I love attention. I crave it. It feeds me. So, when I used to not receive the attention I so desired, I would take it personally. What is wrong with me? What did I do?

Perhaps I still default to that at times, but another thing I’ve been practicing is “the Pause.” I have been trying very hard to pause before I react. And in that moment, when I’m successful, I remember that it isn’t about me. The lack of action, the lack of attention, is not because I am not worthy of it. It is because of something within the other person. Perhaps they just need time to do their own reflecting. Perhaps they’re just busy. Perhaps they’re simply clueless. *smile* Perhaps they’re struggling with how to carry their own baggage. Perhaps it’s one of a million other reasons.

But it’s not because I’m not worth it.

Putting this epiphany that I had into actual practice has been so rewarding. I’m finally internalizing it. But because it’s a practice, I am by no means perfectly knocking it out of the park. Sometimes I react, and forget about the pause. Sometimes I default to wanting to immediately apologize for doing something wrong, even though I have no clue what I did wrong. And probably actually did nothing wrong.

But, now, more often than not, I sit back and remember that it’s not about me.

Before, when I hadn’t felt worthy, I lived guarded. Scared. Nervous. Filled with anxiety. I lived a life that lacked authenticity. And in all those moments, slowly and over a lot of time, I ended up losing who I genuinely was. I became this whole new person who would rather just keep quiet in the face of the verbal abuse, crying to my friends or silently by myself, and started to only see the worst that life could offer. Looking back at who I was, how I thought, the exhaustion and fear that took over my life, the changes occurring so slowly that I didn’t realize how bad it all was until I was able to look back at it from a distance…it just makes me sad.

I get that it’s been less than 6 months since my world changed forever and that, typically, is not viewed as very much time at all. But the personal growth has been unreal. I now have the ability, the self-confidence, to put into practice the actions that I feel will continue to lead me to living a truly authentic and free life. I speak with a blunt honesty that lightens my soul. Anyone who cares to listen, or read my blogs, sees the level of transparency with which I now choose to live my life.

And with this new heightened awareness and desire to live authentically, there have been noticeable physical changes, also.

My fingers, well, the cuticles around them, are almost completely healed now. This is huge, because the more anxiety, stress, and sadness that I feel, the more mangled they become. It is an outward sign of internal chaos and pain. The skin surrounding my nails has been destroyed for months, broken open and never having an opportunity to heal because I was so broken internally.

I no longer feel broken.

I no longer feel unworthy.

I have a greater understanding of who I am, what makes me happy, and exactly what dreams I want to pursue. I have no problems telling someone close to me that they upset me or how I want to be treated, and how they can show me that they value me. I no longer internalize it and worry about hurting their feelings for telling someone that they hurt mine.

I am choosing to live with the utmost transparency and it feels so good.

This transparency and authenticity is what is finally leading me down my “White Way of Delight.” I am, at long last, feeling as though who I am professionally and who I am personally are merging into one clearly defined soul.

I feel as though the colors in my world are glowing more brilliantly, my light is shining brighter, and the love that will eventually come into my life will be unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

Because now, finally, I am listening the first time and believing it. I am no longer willing to force anything. And I clearly see who I am, who I want to be, and I understand how to be fearless and free. And, goodness, it simply feels absolutely amazing!

**Side note and PSA**

I believe I need to credit my incredible therapist for getting me to this stage this “quickly.” At the beginning, I saw him weekly. We then spaced it out to every couple of weeks, then once every 3 weeks, and we recently made the transition to monthly appointments. Over time, we have developed a trusting relationship. Now, he really sees me and, therefore, calls me out when I need it. He’s been an extremely valuable resource on this journey and I have no plans on stopping our appointments. Especially if you are going through something, I highly recommend finding a professional to help you through it. Friends and your community will be your constants, of course, but nothing replaces a good mental health professional.

life, love

The Demons from My Past

A Graceful Catastrophe

With my ex, I thought I had to work to prove my love to him. And I had to earn his love. And on the days where I didn’t earn it, it affected me in such a way that it made me wonder about my worth. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I get him to love me? What was wrong with me that I wasn’t enough for him?

*sigh*

Because I haven’t held back yet, there’s no point in starting now. I’m going to get just a touch more vulnerable with you all and share a couple poems that I wrote on March 3 of this year, exactly 14 days before I found out he’d been living a double life.

Darkness

lonely soul, vacant eyes
a stretched smile,
nothing but a guise.

surrounded by love and support - except from The One, 
who tends to fall short.

rarely understood, no interest in chatting,
she stands alone,
her heart and mind combatting.

if hope exists, she doesn't quite see it.
the baggage too great,
the future dims - bit by bit.

can they hold on? how much longer?
both want to love, but
the heart must be stronger.

crowded life, full of joy.
except from that one,
special boy.

so her soul is tired. desperate and alone.
her heart is heavy. 
she's worn to the bone.

with nothing at home to hold her close, 
she quietly slips away,
unnoticed as she goes.

                                                -KKC

That same night, I also wrote this one:

You

She's strong and broken,
both happy and deeply pained.
Buried and losing herself to this life, 
 she feels chained.

She wants nothing more than authentic living,
a heart that beats true.
Moments spent with her best friend...
If only it could be You.

                                                    -KKC

I share these with you because this is where my head and my heart were a mere 2 weeks before finding out about the nearly year-long series of betrayals. Our marriage hadn’t always been difficult, but the last 6 years or so were pretty awful. By March, I knew something was off. I knew that we were hitting an all-time low.

Undeniably, it shows in my poetry.

And yet, I was still blindsided when I’d found out. And the feelings of unworthiness intensified after March 17. My mindset was in a terrible place, as all those negative thoughts, all the self-defeating inner dialogues, were justified – surely I wasn’t enough if he’d been able to do that.

Now, here we are, after just about 5 and a half months, loads of self-reflection, conversation, and affirmation after affirmation from my dear community, and I find myself turning the page on this chapter and staring at the promise of a brand new chapter.

I’m so excited to see how this one unfolds.

I was talking with a friend last night and we got on the subject of being “enough” and “worth it.” This is a constant struggle because, while my logical brain can process that of course I’m enough (I’m a onehundo, right?), emotionally it is still something I struggle with from time to time. I’m quite sick of believing the lies my inner dialogue feeds me, so I’m processing through it as frequently as possible, so I can, at long last, shut them down.

I was asked why is it that I don’t feel like I’m enough? And, with a shrug, my response was, “Historically speaking, I haven’t been. So, clearly, I’m not.” Without skipping a beat, the next question that was thrown at me was, “And where is that history?”

I sighed, then laughed, and said that it’s in the past. “Exactly,” was the response. “It holds no validity in the present.” Which is exactly what my closest friends have been telling me for decades, what my current community of phenomenal friends tell me, what my therapist told me on Tuesday… You see what I’m getting at. Just because it may have been true in the past (and yes, it may have also not been true, but that isn’t the point here), it holds absolutely zero weight today.

My past does not define me. What I do in this moment does. And in this moment, I do feel like I’m enough. I feel like I’m living my most authentic life, chasing down dreams, living without fear, and taking care of myself in ways I’ve never prioritized before.

Yet, these last two months have been pretty terrible. I’ve felt like my roller coaster has been completely out of control. Going into these months, I told myself they were going to be hard. And guess what? They were. I wonder how much my mindset controlled the peaks and valleys these last two months?

Actually, I know exactly how much my mindset controlled every peak and especially every valley that I’ve gone through during July and August. *rolls eyes*

Yet, I’m grateful for the rough road I’ve traveled throughout the last 6 or so weeks. Without it, I don’t think I would’ve been given the opportunity to hear so many positive messages from my community that continues to rally around me, showing me true unconditional love. My friends have been flooding me with loving affirmations and without realizing it, have been helping me recreate my story and rewrite the narrative that is my internal dialogue. Just because I may have been unworthy in the past doesn’t make it valid today.

I’m finally listening. I feel like today, I finally took out the earplugs. The messages are coming through, loud and clear.

Who I am today is the only real version of me that exists. And this girl is enough. And I know it. I feel it. Down to my bones.

I’m finally living the authentic life I’ve longed for, the life I’ve so desired.

As I was driving around today, from one client’s home to another, I was listening to the playlist I started months ago (thanks to friends who recommended I have a playlist for that chapter of my life), and continuously add to, that is full of songs that represent my journey. It is quite the mix and it’s interesting to see how the song choices have evolved with the passage of time.

A relatively recent addition, “Undisclosed Desires” by Muse, came on, which I’ve listened to no less than 30 times, at this point. But today, I actually heard it. Honestly, in the last day or two, I feel like I’m finally listening and absorbing everything that has been falling on deaf ears for so very long.

The following section hit me today like I was listening to it for the very first time. This is what my community has done for me. Every single person who has been here for me since March 17, giving me their love in order to lift me up, has essentially been saying these words to me. 

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past

My community has rallied with such consistently positive and affirming language, that I am actually starting to believe them.

Without me realizing it, and quite possibly without my dear friends even realizing it, they have been, slowly but surely, exorcising the demons from my past. And I’m not just talking about the emotional damage from the catastrophe that occurred 5 and a half months or so ago. I’m talking about decades of damage that is finally beginning to be healed.

Hours after Muse’s song struck a chord deep within, when I was exhausted from the long and busy day and just about to get home, Kacey Musgraves’ song, “Rainbow,” came on. Now, I’ve probably listened to this song several hundred times. But like I’d already mentioned, the energy surrounding me today is distinctly different, and so, I just got it. And the tears flowed freely as I drove into my neighborhood. 

When it rain it pours but you didn't even notice
It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when all we know is
The struggle of staying above, the rising water line

I’d been drowning. For months and months. My community has been filled with the most incredible life preservers, letting me hang onto them, even though I was probably almost drowning some of them from the weight of my chaos…but they never let me go.

They waited out the storm.

And for months, I just couldn’t look up. They told me, over and over, that: 

...the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head.

But I just couldn’t. No matter how many times they told me to look up and fed me all the words of love I needed to hear, I couldn’t believe them. I was just too busy holding tight to my umbrella, weathering the storm that was in my head, trying to keep from drowning. I was in survival mode for a long time.

It was when I heard this bit, where I really started to lose it:

 If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors
Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others
So tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around.

Because now, as I look around, I see them.

Guys, in that moment when I was driving, I could see all the colors. And everything is just so beautiful and filled with light.

Today, I’m finally able to put my umbrella aside. I’m no longer drowning in my storm. And I am sensing all of the messages. I can see that the sky if finally open and:

That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over (my) head
It'll all be alright.

And I finally, truly, believe it will be.

life, love

Piece by Piece

A Graceful Catastrophe

Some days you’re reminded of exactly who you are. Just how broken you really are. How much further you have to go. And you wonder if you’ll ever get “there.” To the place where you feel true contentment and peace.

I thought I was in a good place. I am strong. Blunt. Honest. Transparent. I self-reflect. A lot. I want to be a better me tomorrow than I was today.

And then something comes by while you’re walking this path to remind you that you aren’t exactly doing it right. What you’re presenting to the world doesn’t match with what is going on in the depths of your soul.

Because it is in those depths that a great void still exists. And I’m trying desperately to fill it. And the kicker is, I’m trying to fill it disingenuously. I’m stealing little bits of myself, sacrificing my authenticity, for just a moment, in order to try to fill the hole.

And do you know what’s left? A bigger hole. Because I stole from myself to try to fill it and just left myself more broken than when I started.

Or, at least, that’s how it feels.

This journey started 163 days ago. Just over 23 weeks. 5 months, 10 days.

Time is a funny thing. With each day that passes, I learn something new about myself. I have days where I feel like I could conquer the biggest obstacles in one fell swoop. There are others where merely opening my eyes is a feat all on its own.

The roller coaster is far from over. And that realization really sucks because I thought I was getting somewhere.

But it turns out, I’m just as defeated today as I was when I received that email on St. Patrick’s Day.

Perhaps this is it? Maybe this is just real life. There are days where you feel like a beast and nothing can tear you down. And then there are other days where you feel like you’ve taken a punch to the gut from the Hulk in full rage mode and it does so much more damage than just take your breath away.

Does this happen to you? And if so, how do you not feel like a fraud on your strong days? Because you’re reminded, on the not so great ones, just exactly how weak you really are.

Days like today I truly hate him. And I hate myself for allowing him to tear me down, piece by piece, over so many years. Sometimes, the extent of the damage from his awful words sucker punches me. His venom was sprinkled over me like such a fine mist that I barely realized the destruction that was happening within. After years and years, that fine mist added up to something much more like a dense fog. And I’m still trying to fight my way out of it.

But at least I’m fighting.

I know I’m shattered. I know my pieces are so destroyed that they’re barely recognizable and incredibly difficult to try to put back together. But piece by piece, I’m putting myself back together. In these moments, the ones that suck, is where my growth occurs. I stare at the pieces of my soul, scattered and shattered, that were left behind after the catastrophe blew up my world, and am completely overwhelmed by the destruction.

And then I’ll take a breath. Remind myself of exactly who I am. And garner the strength to put myself back together again.

Piece by piece.

All the while trying to give myself grace. Because this is going to take some time.

life, love

153 Days

A Graceful Catastrophe

In approximately 6 hours from the time I am writing these first words, it will have been 5 months since I received an email that changed my life.

153 Days.

I used to call it a catastrophe. I suppose, by definition, it still is.

However, I now view that email as the greatest shove into opportunity that I have ever received.

I was in an unhappy marriage. I felt stuck. I hadn’t given it my all to make it work, so I couldn’t justify leaving. We have a daughter, so that complicated everything. Or so I thought.

I am stubborn.

And…

I do not quit.

I don’t run away from things. So, in a crappy marriage I stayed, with virtually daily phone calls to my best friend, complaining about how miserable I was. Almost daily phone calls for years, guys. Years and years and years. Very few people knew what took place behind the scenes. Very few people, even now, fully grasp how ugly it was. I didn’t even understand the extent at which I was broken. It was my normal. Hindsight, though, shows me that who I was in that marriage was a byproduct of how I was treated. I just didn’t see that then. I thought that was who I was. Cautious. Scared, really. Neurotic. Worried about every tiny little thing. A catastrophizer.

Wow.

But this is how I, slowly and without even realizing it, got there…

How do you frequently hear that you add such little value as a wife and not let that get internalized and become something so much greater than that? I decided I had to work harder to seek out everyone else’s validation and approval so that I could be enough in some capacity of my life. Because it was made abundantly clear that I was not enough at home.

I upped my effort and it paid off. I became an incredible mom, raising a little human into somebody who already adds value to society. And I got positive feedback from my efforts. Our bond grew tighter and we are still exceptionally close.

I also doubled my efforts as a teacher and became highly respected at my school. My students, the families, the other teachers, and my admin valued my input. They listened to my thoughts and opinions when I spoke them aloud (a novel concept that rarely occurred at home). They sought me out for advice.

But at home, when I tried, it went unnoticed. The message of not being enough was on repeat. My efforts there were overlooked and disregarded. I was frequently reminded of how awful of a wife I was. Right in front of my face, other women on the street stole his glances (ha! long stares, really), rather than him being blinded by pure love for me. I wasn’t enough. I was worth so little, in fact, that it didn’t matter to him that he did those things blatantly and right in front of me. And then, my own perceived value as a wife, and therefore, as a woman, slowly waned.

Over the years, I internalized it. I wasn’t enough. If I wasn’t “enough” at home, then how could I be enough for anyone – even myself. So, that black cloud hung over my head, creating this persona that had to hyper plan everything and fear the worst, because surely since I was such a failure as a wife, I must also be on the verge of failing everywhere else, too.

That is who I was for at least the last 6 years. And who I absolutely was 153 days ago. A beaten down version of myself. Guys, I seriously entertained the idea about taking him back! I didn’t value myself enough to fully believe in myself and walk away.

Well, until there was a breaking point and I filed straight away the next day. But that’s another story for another day. It might even be in an earlier blog, I cannot recall…

But now? Ha ha! I had my epiphany and I see my worth. And being “enough?” Psh, I am way more than enough.

Now? Man, oh, man… Now I know who I am. And watch out, world, because as my friend worded it on our way to volleyball yesterday in the car, I’m a dime.

I. Am. A. Dime.

And I know it. Now, boy, do I ever know it.

And nobody can take that from me ever again. If you don’t see my value in your world, then that is just fine. I get it now. It’s not about me. It’s about you. You don’t have to like peaches. (Hmm, I’d thought I’d written about that, too. But, in a nutshell, it’s a reference to my favorite quote: You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the orchard, and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.) It’s not up to me to change to fit your definition of who I should be, who is enough for you. I am enough just the way I am. If you don’t like me, then that is about you, not me. I get that now. I’m done taking it personally. It was never about me not being enough. (Oh, found it. Looks like I wrote all of this same type of stuff a week ago here. This topic has been a hot one for me lately.)

I wouldn’t be where I am today, with all this potential that lies before me, had I not received that email 5 months ago.

Five months. *shaking my head* Goodness, it feels as though that was a lifetime ago. And I suppose, in many ways, it was.

Without that woman having the courage to write me, I would still be questioning my self-worth. I would still be relatively unhappy.

Today, there is so much excitement in my life. Gah! There’s a whole load of things to be excited about. My energy is radiating happiness and my heart is open to being vulnerable.

My life has not aligned, professionally and personally, for years. Typically, things were wonderful professionally speaking and kind of, meh, personally speaking.

Not anymore. I am excited about both my professional and personal future. I have magnificent and fantastic dreams for me professionally that I am actively chasing down. Dreams that mesh perfectly with my many passions. Dreams that are realistically attainable. Actions in hot pursuit of those dreams that are pulling me in several different directions and keeping me awake at night from the buzz of the potential. It’s exhausting and exhilarating.

I am excited to live this life! Just a short time ago, I’d written that I wanted to fast forward and that I didn’t want to live this life that was unfolding. I am so grateful for the last 153 days and every single thing that occurred during them. They have meticulously molded this being into who I am today. And I love her.

I fully grasp the idea that when you live, especially when you live out loud and without fear, as I do now, a potential side effect of living like that is pain. I know I may get hurt again. I also know that if I don’t allow myself to be open to that possibility, I will miss out on the opportunity to truly live – and to be loved and cherished. I want to be treasured by another. I want to feel adored. I am looking forward to being able to shower someone with my love and know that he appreciates everything I have to give. I look forward to the chance at being in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, where we push one another to grow and become better versions of who we were yesterday. And because I know now that I am enough, I will never settle for anything less than a partner that elevates me and treats me as I truly deserve.

I love that I now realize that nobody defines my worth for me anymore. I am healthier, and stronger, now than I have ever been before: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I am a dime and watch out, world, because there is no stopping me now.

Yet, I can’t say that I am healed. 153 days surely doesn’t seem like that much time. But, I have grown exponentially. I have had so many epiphanies and have learned a great deal on this journey thus far. Honestly, it feels as though a fire is burning within, burning so brightly that my spark could never be dulled by another again.

I’m filled with light. With gratitude. With vulnerability. With understanding.

This phoenix is rising from her ashes and cannot wait to fearlessly conquer her world. And I am more ready than ever to add color and beauty to whatever shall cross my path.

153 days. Of pain. Of agony. Of tears. Of defeat. All to lead me to where I am today.

I am a dime. And now I know it.

life, love

I Am the Cheese Dip

A Graceful Catastrophe

I have about a 4 minute drive to my gym. That’s it. It’s through my neighborhood and across the street. Today, those 4 beautiful minutes brought me a realization that rattled me so hard, that I cried.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend and he asked me the following: “If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be? Be selfish, say exactly what comes to your mind.”

So, I did exactly that. I told him: “To be enough.”

His response was to ask for clarification. Did I mean for myself or for others. I told him, “Both.”

This interaction has weighed heavily on my mind, for obvious reasons. It was an incredibly vulnerable moment.

A week ago, I did the Manitou Springs incline with my bestie. While spending the morning together, many topics came up, of course. We’re friends, with busy lives and rarely get quality time like that. So we chat non-stop – even when we can’t breathe because we’re climbing almost 3,000 steps. *chuckling* Anyway, the topic of me not feeling like I’m enough came up.

And it’s haunted me since.

Then, like a lightning strike to my core, in a bitty little 4 minute drive this morning, out of the freaking blue, it hit me. I am enough.

I AM ENOUGH! *grinning like an idiot* I really am. *cue the tears*

It hit me like a ton of bricks, seriously. I was listening to a song…and then I was crying. And smiling. I can’t even remember the song.

I’ve always been enough. I’ve always been enough for me and for others around me. It was him who made me feel otherwise. It’s always been my ex. That’s not my issue – it was his perception that he reflected back at me. Perhaps it is he that feels that he isn’t enough? And he projected that onto me for years?!

Who knows. All I know now, after reflecting back on who I have been, especially in the last month or two, is that someone wouldn’t be as raw and authentic as I have been if they struggled with self-worth, or with feeling like they’re enough.

My interactions are pure. And if you don’t like what I say, what I believe, who I am, then it’s really no skin off my back. You see, I have this phrase that I love, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the orchard and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” If someone doesn’t enjoy your company, it probably has more to do with them than it does with you.

Because you are enough. And so am I.

I don’t see it as rejection and I don’t take it personally if somebody stops talking to me. It’s their prerogative to walk away. And it has more to do with them than it does with me. Because if it were really about me, and they cared enough, they’d approach me, talk with me, ask me the hard questions, and value the conversation. Like my bestie did last week. If they just walk away, then it’s not about me, and I don’t internalize it.

If I didn’t, deep down, think that I was enough, that wouldn’t be my response. It’d eat me up inside. I’d take it personally and something inside of me would be devastated.

But I am so secure with who I am that I’m pretty much completely unaffected. I mean, am I sad that I’ve lost friends? Sure. But, that’s all a part of life. Some people are just in your life for a season. And that’s just fine. I get it. Sometimes the friendship comes back full circle and if it does, wonderful! But for now, it’s like, I shrug my shoulders and move on. I’m done fighting to shove a square peg in a round hole. You don’t like peaches? Cool. Seriously. I’m not going to jam them down your throat or disguise them in a smoothie. *shrug*

So, I cried. Because I’m free! I’m finally free of the bricks that have been weighing me down, that I allowed my ex to place on me, one brick at a time, over the years. I never realized they were there, as there was such a subtle (and, at times, not so subtle) art of putting them into place.

Those closest to me have spent a lot of energy trying to take those bricks off. Telling me that I’m enough. But I just couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t wrap my head around how I could be enough when it had been ages since his actions showed me that I was enough. And then, for him to betray me? Insult to injury. Of course I wasn’t enough.

That was my thought process. Anything they said to tell me otherwise, was erased when he reinforced my thoughts by showing me that I wasn’t enough for him. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they? I wasn’t valued. So, that was my fault. Because surely I couldn’t have been enough or else we could’ve had one conversation without his phone in his hand (for example).

But – I am enough. And I always have been. I see that now. Geez…finally!

All of my actions are of someone who really doesn’t care what others think – because deep down inside, I’ve always known that I’m enough. I just had to dig my own way out from under the pile of bricks. I’m not out to behave in a way just so that it pleases you. I’m me. And I’m a delightfully juicy peach.

Or, as my friend told me. I’m not the free salsa. I’m the damn delicious cheese dip you probably pay way too much for.

Because I’m worth it.

life, love

I Cannot Forgive

A Graceful Catastrophe

I fully understand that forgiveness is about me and not him. I get that concept.

I just cannot forgive.

And I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to.

I’m constantly triggered. His persistent and unrelenting need to validate his infidelity and his complete inability to grasp the magnitude of his betrayal strikes a fury within that burns hotter than what I’m assuming drinking pure hydrofluoric acid would feel like as it devours me from the inside out.

Which is why forgiveness is so important. Because this savage storm that, at best, is a windy, raging thunderstorm, lives within, ready to explode into a full-blown Cat 5 hurricane at a moment’s notice. It’s toxic. And I feel it eating away at me.

It’s been especially difficult lately because he’s been so smug. He hasn’t accepted any responsibility lately. At the beginning, when it first all happened, he was humble and apologetic. He understood what he did was wrong. He acted like a real man, owning up to his indiscretions.

Lately, though, as we get closer to finalizing the separation, and finally separating all our assets (ie, the house), he has become this self-righteous twit, attacking me with every text he sends.

Perhaps it’s because any semblance of control he thought he had is now ending. The papers have been signed and all that is left is the court’s judgement.

So, how do you forgive someone for not just one heinous act, but for revolting behavior that lasted for almost a year, when he doesn’t assume any responsibility for it. Not only that, he literally blames me, telling me if I’d been a better wife, he never would have had to cheat.

Literally, that was a text message I received. “…had to cheat.” What goes on in a person’s mind, how warped does it have to be when you genuinely believe that you “have to” cheat?! Now, I get how infidelity occurs. I understand how a person can even justify an act of infidelity. But to betray me for over 10 months with multiple “lovelies” around the country? And then come back home for the weekend to berate me and tell me how awful of a wife I am?

Yeah, that I can’t wrap my head around.

All the while, I am *trying* to maintain the house, raise our daughter, run a brand new business, run around like a maniac, take our daughter to all her things, just so he can travel as much as he can “for work” but really, it’s to sleep with more lovelies.

Yeah. I absolutely cannot forgive.

Not yet, at least.

So the storm rages on. The poison slowly erodes my patience, my kindness, my ability to respond with grace. Well, I haven’t been able to respond with grace for months now. The aggravation is just far too intense.

Which tells me that I must forgive. Because it’s for me and not for him.

But – oh. my. goodness, that just feels so impossible.

So maybe I can just give myself permission to hate him – for now. To understand that his behavior is harmful, venomous, even. And not worry about forgiveness just yet. The pressure I have put on myself to try to find a way to forgive him, to respond to him with grace, is just as emotionally taxing as it is to deal with him and all his abusive rants.

I know that it takes a remarkable inner strength to forgive and to respond with grace. I just don’t have that in me right now.

I read a post on Instagram that really hit home:

Closure doesn't come from another person. Closure comes from a peaceful acceptance and surrender that we have internally." 
- Vienna Pharaon

Yep. Nothing internal is peaceful right now.

I struggle with self-worth, with the concept of being valuable to a partner. I feel unloveable – romantically. I don’t believe I’m capable of being in a successful relationship. I don’t believe in my ability to fall for a man that truly loves, values, or respects me. I have allowed my ex to ruin that side of me – and now it has to be built up again.

And that will take time.

And, oof, so much inner strength.

So, I’d rather put my efforts into remembering that I could be an asset in somebody’s life, that just maybe someone could see my worth, that I could be treasured, rather than try to forgive someone who is unable to be a man and face what he actually did to his family. He didn’t just break one marriage vow. He didn’t simply “cheat.”

What he did was far more destructive than that. And incredibly multi-layered.

Which is why I cannot forgive. Not yet.