Tag: solo travel

life

The Journey Continues

A Graceful Catastrophe

Looking back at the last year, I think I handled myself mostly with grace during this catastrophe. There were some questionable moments, sure. Like the time that I bragged to people who were friends at the time about knowing the bartenders at the local bar so well that they gave me significant discounts on my tab at the end of the night – every night. The bartenders became my friends. They knew my story. They checked up on me and supported me – with lots of booze.

Surely that wasn’t the best way to handle those first several months…but it was the only way I knew how to cope with that catastrophe. I’d often drink, because the goal was to forget what was happening in my real life. I drank (frequently in excess) because real life was much harder than any words I ever wrote in any of these blogs. Some of the things that occurred are just too difficult to share in such a public forum. Just understand, I didn’t want to exist in that life that was handed to me in those moments.

And then, one day, shortly after my ex finally moved out, my perspective began to shift. I was lucky enough to have had the support from an incredible group of strong women who both called me out and showered me with unconditional love. I began to realize that what had happened in my life was a gift. A gift of potential happiness. While I wasn’t yet experiencing true happiness, I at least began to believe I’d be happy again someday.

The universe, our energy, God, destiny…whatever you want to call it, it’s very real to me. I believe in the clichés that everything happens for a reason and that nobody is in our lives by accident.

The following is my proof.

In early July, I randomly followed a Greek photographer on Instagram. Goodness, his pictures were phenomenally exceptional. By that point, 4 months post catastrophe, I’d developed a “screw it” attitude and decided to comment on some of his pictures, even though he had thousands of followers. To my great surprise, he commented back, thanking me for the compliment.

What?! So, because I decided I’d already lost anything significant in my life and there wasn’t much else I could lose, I decided to send him a direct message through Instagram. What was the worst that was going to happen? He wouldn’t respond. Meh. I was okay with a non-response.

So, at 2:20 in the afternoon, on July 12, 2019, I wrote to Billy. I had nothing to lose.

“Hi, there! Seriously, your pictures paint a picture of places I feel drawn to… They’re all in Greece? That’s where you live?”

Exactly 40 minutes later, and to my complete and utter surprise, he responded.

“Ahh thanks so much! Some of them yes! I post mostly from Greece and Italy. I live in Greece, yup!”

At 3:31, I wrote:

“You make me what to get there ASAP. I’ve been itching to go on a trip – Greece just moved to the top of the list.”

(By the way, I’d “been itching to go on a trip” because I wanted to run away. While I’d never leave my daughter for any real stretch of time, I didn’t want to live that life for another second and just needed time away from the disaster that was currently my world.)

In true Billy form, his response was genuine:

“That’s awesome! Let me know if you need any kind of info. *smiley face*”

We went on chatting that first day, on again and off again, for another 90 minutes.

And then talked again the next day and practically every single day until I’d not only made my decision, but I purchased my tickets.

On July 16, I’d decided I was going. To Greece. To meet a perfect stranger, albeit a talented one, that I’d met randomly on social media. Kids, I don’t recommend you do this at home. *eyeroll*

On July 23, at 8:41 am, I wrote to Billy and shared a screenshot. I’d purchased my tickets to Greece.

11 days. In the span of eleven days, I’d connected with a stranger with an incredible talent -through social media – who’d become by friend after hours and hours of chatting. We’d had such an immediately strong connection that I decided to book a photography workshop with him and his business partner (whom I hadn’t even chatted with yet at this point) and was going to be flying halfway around the world and trusting he wasn’t going to scam or hurt me.

That’s the state of mind I was in. I’d been so deeply hurt that nothing would ever cut to my soul in such a manner ever again. And you know what happens when you’ve realized that? Freedom.

I was free.

Though some would say that my newfound sense of freedom led me to make some incredibly careless decisions. But sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there to see what happens. And this rash, bold decision was one I truly would’ve regretted not making.

But…I was still very much broken. Shattered. Unrecognizable for all the wrong reasons. I had no sense of self-worth. I would do almost anything for validation that I was somebody worthy of breathing in the air around me. It didn’t matter who was making me feel like I was someone or why they thought I was special.

I was looking for anything and anyone to fill me up. I craved for someone to see me in the way I was incapable of seeing myself. If “they” showed me approval, then maybe I wasn’t as worthless as I’d thought I was. As I referenced in this blog I wrote while in Greece, I was looking for others to fill my bucket, yet I never felt fulfilled. My figurative bucket was riddled with holes and no matter what I received from outsiders, it never filled me up because I’d never taken the time to patch the holes for myself.

Well, that all was going to change so quickly that it now feels like I blinked and became a whole new woman.

I left for Greece on November 14. One of my closest girlfriends didn’t think I was actually going to go through with it. I had so much anxiety leading up to the trip that I couldn’t pack – I didn’t even finish packing until the morning of the day I flew out. I was an absolute mess. I could barely breathe and cried, with the tears flowing more readily the closer the trip became. And my friend? She didn’t exhale until she knew I was safely at the airport. She kept telling herself, if she actually makes it to the airport, she’s fine, she’ll really go. She just didn’t think I’d make it. I almost didn’t.

Once I was at the airport, I sat down for a drink. And had the most incredible interaction with random strangers at the bar (this story is in the same blog referenced earlier). I had a pretty decent and very public ugly cry. And finally exhaled.

During my flights to my connections in Detroit and then Amsterdam, I started the healing process. I decided to make word art from all the positive words people used to describe me and words I wanted to use to describe myself. I also made word art from all the humiliating and derogatory words my ex had texted me. I only went back about 2 months. That was enough. As I wrote down such ugliness in such a beautiful fashion, I felt myself begin to release the tension and constant pain I’d been holding on to.

Over time, and with so much repetition, I couldn’t help but eventually believe my ex. I was nothing. And I feared everything. These words became my truth.
Thankfully, I had several other people feeding me much different words. I didn’t believe them yet. But I desperately wanted to.

This was only the beginning.

What my trip to Greece did for me is something I’m not sure I’ll ever fully be able to describe with words. The sheer magnitude of this experience renders me speechless. And, when I really try to talk about it, I often cry. It was just so powerful.

Solo travel, especially for a woman, and especially a woman who’d been in a toxic and abusive relationship, is so empowering. To have put all my confidence into two strangers was exhilarating. To actively chase a dream that I’d never had the opportunity to pursue before was magical. This was much more than a leap of faith. It was a plunge into something so great that it was transformative. Who I was on November 14 was not the woman that came back on November 24. I could feel it to my core. Those shattered pieces that I’d actively chosen to ignore for 8 months began to piece back together into an incredible masterpiece.

As it turns out, Billy and Chris, my Greek photography teachers, are absolute geniuses. They have an ability to awaken something inside of you that you always hoped existed but never had the opportunity to explore. If you have even the tiniest desire to explore photography – and the world – do so with the Atlas Roamers. They are incredibly wise and talented and just about the two best people you could ever hope to meet. They are not only my friends, they’ve become my family.

When you spend so much uninterrupted time with the same people, in such an intimate setting (a small car was where we spent hours each day, traveling from one divinely beautiful destination to another, and then more hours in the hotel rooms, where they taught me to edit my photos), where so much blind trust is given, you can’t help but create a bond that is quite unlike any other. These two are forever my brothers and I owe them more than any amount of money could purchase.

It was while I was with them that I fell in love with myself. It was on this wild adventure that I learned I was capable, strong, and enough and no longer had anything to prove to myself anymore. This experience was so dynamic that the only thing I can say about it is to go explore the world for yourself and see how it changes you. There is nothing quite like having to put yourself in such a uniquely vulnerable state that you can’t help but grow from it.

It is because of this solo vacay that my very energy changed. I felt like I was radiating pure joy from every pore in my body. I cried to my mom on video chat on my last day in Athens. She thought it was because I was leaving the next day. But, I was finally able to get out that this experience had been life changing for me.

And not only did every fiber in my body experience a drastic transformation, I’d discovered I was actually a pretty decent photographer.

I own the rights to this picture.
I own the rights to this one, too.

I have such a passion for photography, that I’ve started a new business, Craig’s Impressions, LLC (so if you’d like any prints of my work, I’d be happy to chat with you about it! Feel free to contact me at craigsimpressions@gmail.com).

This new passion project is another leap of faith and here’s the fascinating thing about this: I actually think I can do it! Just a few short months ago, I questioned my self-worth. I allowed others to treat me poorly because I didn’t think I was worth anything better. I excused their shitty behavior, apologizing to them for making them act that way, thinking it was because of something I did. Or perhaps they would’ve reacted differently had I not done x, y, or z.

Their rude, insulting, degrading behavior was my fault. I didn’t think I was capable of much and needed so much outward assurance to get to a point where I’d half believe it. I was faking my way through life, smiling, looking quite self-assured, all while the internal dialogue was something I would’ve smacked any friend for if I’d heard her talking to herself like that. I was living an impostor’s life.

That is, until I faced every fear, felt every negative and derogatory word ever spoken to me, honored that they were the lies, and finally started to release their power over me. And then ended up having the time of my life.

All of this happened in a span of just a few days. My entire internal world began to shake and collapse in all the best ways the second I stepped foot into the Denver airport.

So, this blog is now transitioning from processing my ex’s infidelity to my travels and newly found passion in photography – and the incredible journey that my path is now taking me on. The world I currently live in is so vastly different than the one from before 6:08 pm on March 17, 2019.

And I couldn’t be more grateful for that moment in time, for that stranger, for my ex, and for the roller coaster that this last year has been. Every single chance encounter, each and every decision – responsible or otherwise – has led me to this very second. And it is here, and now, that I am filled with a deep and wonderous love for myself. My bucket is whole and patched up, allowing it to finally be filled. And I am happy.

I do hope you stick around and follow my newest adventures in life! I’m thinking my next blog will be about my recent trip to Ireland and I cannot wait to share the adventures – and photography – from that whirlwind vacation. Until next time…

*hugs!*

life

3.4 Miles

A Graceful Catastrophe

When I saw the sign that said, “Ouray KOA,” I grinned and cheered. Like, for real. There was actual fist pumping happening in my car. I’d done it!! I made my first solo drive…my first drive through the mountains. And it was snowy at times, and visibility wasn’t great, and other times the roads were dry and it was smooth sailing. And I did it.

Then, 3.4 miles from my hotel, I was overcome by emotion. I couldn’t believe I’d done it.

I know I’ve come a long way in the days since March 17th. My growth has truly been exponential . It started off slow, and rocky, and…okay, okay, it was non-existent. My first several months afterwards I didn’t want to experience my reality. I wanted to ignore it. And I did just about anything I could to escape it.

When you ignore your reality, you can’t exactly grow.

And that’s absolutely okay. I was in survival mode. That was all I could hang on to – just take one more breath, girl. You can do this. One breath at a time.

And then, one magical day, I was ready.

And I took off.

Today, I’m a new me. Someone who sits alone at a bar in a strange city and happily eats her food, smiling to herself every now and then, not giving a care in the world.

I’m someone who drives through the snowy mountains because there’s a city she’s waited to go to for years and years and she’s done waiting for someone else to bring her here.

I’m done waiting. Period. If I want it, I will figure out a way to do it. Because I’m alive and breathing and that’s all the reason I need.

I’m also still learning. Sure, I’ve come a long way. I believe it never ends, though. There are always ways I can improve. Things I can nurture and refine. I’m finding the balance between pushing myself and simply marinating in the moment. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I tend to live by the rule it’s either all or it’s nothing. Do it right the first time or don’t do it at all. I’m all in. Or I’m out. And I’m learning that perhaps there’s a better, more delicate space to land…perhaps.

In Greece, I learned a lesson that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. My whole purpose of going to Greece, though, was to prove to myself that I can. So, I did. And then I thought I was good. I had countless epiphanies over there. My very energy changed. I didn’t have anything left to prove to myself.

Or so I thought.

So, let me back up a minute. Give you some context. Yesterday I left for a road trip through the mountains…with my front wheel drive Mini Cooper…through a minor snowstorm. I decided to embark on yet another solo journey, this magnificent road trip, because I’ve realized I still have more I want to prove to myself. I still have fears that require facing. Insecurities. Doubts.

I absolutely hate doubting myself.

So, I booked this trip. And, after much fret and worry, finally took off. Goodness, I’m less than 24 hours into this trip and I’m already grateful I didn’t back out.

As I looked out on the scenery during the drive, I noticed all the variety of shades of white that exist in nature. It was just white on white on white. In front of me, all around me, surrounding me. Just white. It was stunning.

I drank it in. Really experienced where I was. And I was in no hurry whatsoever. I took detours to take pictures. I saw bighorn sheep!!

Don’t miss out on the beauty that surrounds you because you’re afraid to open your eyes.

I took so many deep breaths. Just so I could exhale. I needed to exhale the voices in my head. The ones that told me I was incapable. And then I spent some time talking to myself, rather than wasting time listening to those voices. This time, the incapability was of driving in the snow. I’ve been told many times that I can’t drive in the snow, or that I shouldn’t drive in the snow. And, I have also had many circumstances where I’ve proven to myself that maybe I shouldn’t ever drive in the snow. I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s been told to me and then reinforced. I can’t do it.

Which is exactly why I’m here today, having driven not only through the snow, but through snow covered roads, with limited visibility at times, over winding s-curved mountain passes.

Face my fear. I’m all in. I know no other way.

So, this is why, 3.4 miles away from my hotel, I lost it. The tears simply struck and didn’t let up for several minutes. It was the release I needed. Another fear conquered. Another lesson learned. I can do scary things. And survive.

And then reflect and realize there was nothing scary about it after all.

So, here, now, I encourage you. Do something that scares you. Something you’ve avoided because you keep listening to the voices in your head rather than talking to yourself. Create your new narrative. It isn’t as scary as you’re making it out to be.

I promise.


life, love

What is to Come?

A Graceful Catastrophe

I fell in love.

Yep. There it is.

I’ve been open and honest about the vast array of complicated emotions that have filled my life over the last 9 months and for some reason, sharing the negativity in my life wasn’t ever that difficult for me to do. We all have our own challenging journeys we have to navigate around and throughout these months, I have always known someone who was trying to trudge through much deeper and smellier shit than I was. So, somehow, it was just natural for me to write about mine. It’s always been cathartic.

This blog, though, is different. And the same. I will still be vulnerable and raw – I’ll just be telling a different type of story.

You see, this one is about love.

When everything exploded in my world, I stopped believing in romantic love. How could someone with two failed marriages possibly believe that true love exists? The answer is simple – she couldn’t.

I told my girlfriends that I’d never love again. Fairy tales aren’t real. Love like that surely doesn’t exist. I’ll never be swept off my feet by some Prince Charming. My heart was hardened. I didn’t want to feel love again. Because then, I’d inevitably have to feel that excruciating pain again. And I sure as shit never wanted to shatter again. There’s only so many times you can break before it’s a lost cause.

Or so I thought.

But in the end, I was wrong.

Because I did fall in love. And yet, I didn’t experience excruciating pain when it ended. And I surely didn’t shatter.

And yes, those of you who follow me and read these blogs, you know I fell in love with myself while in Greece.

But I’m talking about before that.

I’ve written from my heart – and with my heart – since I started this writing journey. I’ve been raw, honest, and vulnerable.

But, for some reason, writing about love is so much harder for me. Perhaps it’s because it’s the purest of emotions? Perhaps it’s because it hasn’t even been a year since finding out about my ex’s infidelity? Perhaps it’s because I hear so many people tell me that I can’t, shouldn’t, they wouldn’t…the list goes on. *sigh*

Yet, here I am, my heart racing with nerves as I write this, because love is probably the most intense topic I’ve written about to date. For me, it really is the hardest.

So, thank you. Thank you for reading, for supporting, for commenting, and encouraging, because I’m finally ready to write about love.

I gave my heart to a truly a wonderful man. A man who also happened to be completely emotionally unavailable for me. It was always going to be a dead-end relationship. Dead-end for many reasons.

But…you know what I realized this morning when I woke up?

I fell in love with this guy before I fell in love with myself.

That doesn’t work. It just doesn’t.

You can’t expect someone else to fill your bucket when it’s riddled with holes. I had that epiphany while in Greece and immediately went to work, patching up my holes.

And when I came back from Greece, my path had cleared. He’d fallen for someone else while I was away. It was always going to end and the timing felt right. I’d felt him pulling away for at least the last month we were “together,” so I knew it was coming.

And you know what? I’m happy for him. That’s how I know it was really love that I felt for him. His happiness, his ability to pursue his dreams and settle into the life he’d always imagined, that’s all more important than my momentary sadness at it ending. And since we’re both mature adults, we ended on excellent terms.

Plus…I had this, umm, I don’t even know what to call it other than a magical experience at Byzantino. This is the jewelry store I referenced in my blog: Today is Thursday and where I bought my ring made of old watch parts.

So, quick summary in case you missed that one… While I was in Greece, I went to a super special jewelry store. The women there were beautiful beings, filled with love that they projected onto me. We spent a fair amount of time chatting with one another and I shared my story with them. This was my last day in Greece and I had already undergone an incredible transformation. While we were chatting, one of the women told me things that she saw for my future. My daughter’s, as well. The energy in that little store was so intense while she was speaking and you could literally feel the power behind every word she spoke. It was a moment that has become etched into my very soul.

After purchasing my things, and before I walked out of the store, this same woman approached me with a gift. It was a glass blown heart pendant. As the other woman that worked there was placing it around my neck, she looked me straight in the eyes and began to speak to me about love. She told me that I was going to be blessed with love greater than I had ever experienced before, love that I barely could imagine exists, love that I had ceased to believe was real.

As she spoke these words, I felt my hair go up and had chills all over my body. It was an incredibly intense moment for me where…can you guess what happened? Of course. I cried. It was so intense for me because, with every cell in my being, I believed her. And I knew she wasn’t talking about anyone that was currently in my life.

Somebody else was out there for me. Hoping to feel love like he’d never been loved before. Looking up at the same stars and wishing for the same things as me. A fellow hopeless romantic who would yearn to understand me – all of me. Somebody who would want to hear my stories, feel my history, and use that to understand why I am who I am today. And, more importantly, (now here’s the kicker…) somebody who will choose to make time in his life for me.

My ex didn’t. He couldn’t put his phone down and couldn’t even pretend to care about anything I had to say. And the guy I was seeing, well, in his defense, his career is intense. He rarely has his phone on him during the day. Even so, there were ways he could’ve shown me that I was valued, had he chosen to try, rather than be satisfied having me as a mere convenience in his life. But he chose not to try.

And because of who I was then, because of the lack of love I had for myself, I allowed that type of treatment. I’ve said it before: how could I expect another to value me more than I valued myself?

But in Greece, I shifted. My path shifted. My whole universe shifted, guys! I felt it. Literally. Physically. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling, but people have told me, since coming home, that I look different. And I feel it. My whole aura is bright and light. So, yeah, there’s somebody out there who will match so perfectly with that, that when our paths align, I wouldn’t have to guess my importance in his life. Or hope for it. It’d just be. Effortless. But in the best of ways.

In that moment, in Athens, as I walked out of that jewelry store, my whole world was this new, magical place to live. As I left the little store that was the final piece to my soul’s puzzle, smiling and practically floating along, I fully opened my soul to the universe. My energy was changed. My heart was fully opened. I had learned in the previous month or two that I was capable of loving another. That was a pleasant surprise. I also had learned what made me feel uncomfortable in a relationship. What bags I could help carry and what ones I’d let the other unpack before deciding to join him on his journey. For weeks, I had been thinking I should let the guy go that I was seeing…and then he let me go.

“Trust the journey.” That’s what I kept telling myself in those early days. Over and over. I came home from Greece 3 weeks ago yesterday and, boy, did I struggle with getting my mindset right. It was a fight to be present – I didn’t want to be here. I wanted, desperately, to be back in Greece. So, one night, when I was feeling particularly melancholy, I wrote my photographer friend on Instagram – the one I’d just spent 6 days with in Greece. We’d talked a lot, both before my trip and also so much during my trip. He knew me well by this point and was quite familiar with my story. Here’s a bit of our conversation:

Me: B, I just want to experience all of Earth’s beauty. Greece opened my eyes to so much… And when I say “Greece” opened my eyes, a great deal of that was you. You are such a caring person. Genuine. I want someone in my life who cares like you do. And, man, did we laugh so easily! I want that, too. You set a bar, for a future relationship of how I want to be treated. You opened my eyes to so much more than photography. I’m really grateful for you, for the whole trip, for all the laughter…for everything.
B: No! This is normal. If you respect yourself, you respect others in the same way and I’m pretty sure that you’ll find someone who will care about you… I mean, for real this time. Believe it or not, everyone takes what he/she deserves to have in this life. It’s up to you to live the life that you want. Nothing beats a strong mindset. Everything else is just the result of this.

He repeated exactly what I’d been telling myself. Someone is only going to value, love, respect, (you fill in the blank) me as much as I do myself. I’ll get exactly what I think I deserve and nothing more. I know this now. And I know me now. And I love me! And I just know that somebody is going to see this light that I’m projecting like it’s a damn lighthouse and want to see what it’s all about.

The lady in the jewelry store was absolutely right. I will be loved again. And it’s going to feel out of this world incredible. And I know I deserve that. Because not only am I in a space that is open to being emotionally vulnerable, I also respect and value myself in such a beautiful way now. I’m comfortable being alone. Actually, I rather enjoy it. And I can find comfort in being uncomfortable. And the best feeling? I no longer rely on any outsider to define my worth. I define it.

So, when my path aligns with another, it will be as a sweet addition to my life, not a necessary one. I’ve never been in a position where I’ve felt that to be true. Goodness, it feels amazing.

It’s all quite delightful…this journey I am on. My path has never been clearer. I’ve never felt lighter or more sure of who I am. There’s 15 more days until my birthday and 16 until the last day of this decade. I’m ready to close it down and happily bid it farewell. A lot of incredible things happened in this decade. I’m quite honestly grateful for it all. Even March 17th, 2019. Maybe even especially March 17th, 2019.

And I’m so hopeful for what is to come.

life, love

Today is Thursday

A Graceful Catastrophe

Today I will eat a Greek salad. And perhaps a couple eggs… My biggest decision will be whether I scramble them or cook them over easy. And I’ll definitely drink some wine and Sprite. I made sure to buy two bottles of white wine to make sure I’d have enough to drink during lunch and dinner. And again at 3:34 because, I mean, why not? *shrug*

And I’ll spend the day, hopefully mostly content, solo, and editing my favorite pictures from Greece.

It should be a good Thursday.

I’ve been filled with gratitude since the moment I left for Greece and this full heart feeling hasn’t lessened even a little bit in the last 14 days. I don’t expect to need a day to show my gratitude. Not this year. Recently, I’ve been hyper-aware of all that I have in my life. Because everything I had changed just over 8 months ago. So, I’ve been given the beautiful gift of perspective. And with this perspective, intense gratitude for what I do have.

So, today is Thursday. A day to spend in more quiet reflection. Showing gratitude for my world as it is today. Aaaaaaaannnddd (I just can’t stop, Billy…) eating a delicious Greek salad, as a way to pay homage to what I am most grateful for today. My solo trip, the time spent in Greece, was life altering. If you knew me 10 months ago, and you still know me today, you’ll understand the intensity of my gratitude for what occurred last week.

It’s mind blowing, really. How that short period of time changed everything for me.

Time…it’s a funny thing.

  • Only time will tell.
  • Time heals all wounds.
  • In the nick of time.
  • Lost track of time.
  • Lasted an eternity.
  • Just a matter of time.
  • A waste of time.
  • Time flies.
  • The time of my life.
  • “Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” – Theophrastus

You get the point.

We have all these phrases and quotes about time, how we abuse it, how it heals, how all will be understood…in time.

Eight and a half months ago feels like an eternity. For me, it was quite literally a lifetime ago. I was married, though unhappily, and going to family dinner parties, doing couple-y things, and feeling lonelier than ever despite having a “partner” by my side.

Today, I am comfortable alone, confident in who I am. I have huge goals and even bigger plans. I am finally living this life for me.

Don’t get that last line wrong. It’s not selfish, though it sounds that way. The way I am choosing to spend my time today is giving my daughter a wonderful example of being adventurous while also living a disciplined life. She sees me making exercising a priority, she knows I write (and now we even sometimes write together, her, in awe of my fast clicking, as I type sentence after sentence, turning paragraphs into pages), and she is proud of me for facing my fears and traveling alone. She used to have so much fear and now she asks me if she may study abroad in middle school.

Everything I have ever done since I found out I was pregnant was with her in mind. For a while after I found out about my ex’s infidelity and the extent of the betrayal, I was simply in survival mode, and really thought about nothing other than how in the world I was going to take my next breath.

Now, though, enough time has passed. My heart has healed. As it turns out, my time in Greece was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to finally be at peace.

Before March of this year, the longest I was single since I was 17 (21 years ago!), was for about 4 months. I had been in a committed relationship for my entire adult life. Not only that, I’d been committed to two men who stifled my vivacity, my sparkle…even my sense of humor.

Guys, I never thought I was funny. I wasn’t the funny one.

In the last 4 or 5 months, do you know how many times I’ve made people laugh? Do you know how many times people have told me that I’m funny?! I don’t think there’s a better compliment for me. Well, right now, at least. My ex is the funny one. No, was the funny one. He’s loud and the center of any party. By his side, I was dull. I had no personality – unless I drank. I had to have alcoholic beverages simply to be comfortable in group settings when I was with him. Now, alone and away from him, and for so many reasons, I sparkle.

Ahh, guys! I am funny! (Sometimes it just hits me… This is really me. *laughing*)

This was a part of my personality that I didn’t even know existed. Seriously. And it’s now a pretty significant part of who I am, I think. I make people laugh. Do you know how good that feels? Only this time that I’ve had to myself was able to bring that out of me. There is so much to who I am today that didn’t exist 9 months ago.

Without this journey, my true self would’ve never been actualized. I would still be living day to day thinking I had no sense of humor or needing to have a drink in order to feel comfortable in my own skin. Ugh, how terribly sad is that?!

I’ve been single for 256 days now.

And I’ve finally reached a point where it feels so good to be “unattached.” My ex and I were texting yesterday, and he asked if I could take our daughter on his weekend so he could go on a couple dates. Well, I haven’t seen her in about a million years, so of course! And, I told him I’d take her any weekend of his that he wanted because I’m not dating and have no desire to anytime soon.

His response? “Well, you can’t live like that.”

Umm, yes I can! *laughing*

Is it our culture that creates this false narrative? We have to be in a relationship in order to be happy? Today, in this moment, I am happier than I have been in years. Perhaps even, in the entirety of my adulthood. And I’m single. Who would’ve thought I would ever be happy without having to rely on somebody else to validate me?? My whole world just feels like it blew wide open again. But this time, in such a good way.

I have goals to achieve. Huge goals. And a pretty strict timeline to hit them in. I don’t have the time to be with somebody, really. Especially one that doesn’t add value to my life and help me grow, pushing me to actualize all my potential. New relationships are hard. And they take time and effort to develop properly.

Time…it’s precious.

And I just found out who I am! I want to sit in this space and relish that for a moment. Happily alone.

But…I’m not really alone. I’m surrounded by the most wonderful community. I may be single, but I have never felt less alone. During my marriage…oof. That loneliness was the worst. I’d rather be single and have moments of loneliness than be in a “partnership” and feel lonely with someone who is right there by my side.

Which brings me to today. Thursday. Okay, it’s not just a normal Thursday. It’s Thanksgiving day. And I’m alone. But I’m not lonely.

I had many invitations to be with my friends. My community. Yet, I’m choosing to be in the quiet space of my house, appreciating the fact that I am alone.

I used to feel so uncomfortable being by myself. It was lonely. I needed the attention from others to make me feel like I was worthy of taking up space in this world.

My word, I was someone else entirely and it literally makes me sit here and shake my head to reflect on who I was compared to who I am.

Today, I am strong, capable, and enough. I am quite content in my own solitude. I don’t need to be around anyone else to feel happy.

Time gave me this gift.

Well, time, coupled with intensive counseling sessions with the most incredible therapist, a community of strong women and men who’ve always been there to lift me up, and traveling alone was the icing on the cake. I came back refreshed and re-energized.

I came back me.

Time itself is truly a gift. While in Greece, I stopped in this jewelry shop. I had read in a travel blog that this was the place to go and buy your jewelry. So, I navigated to it and when I walked in, there were only women working there. Strong, beautiful women. One of the women came up to me and started chatting with me about the different pieces of jewelry. When we came to the display case with rings that used watch mechanisms as the central focus, I knew immediately that was the piece I had to have.

My time in Greece was transformative. And this was my last day, my last 12 hours left in that beautiful country. I knew when I saw it, the symbolism was far too great to walk away from. A piece of jewelry made of time to represent this time of my life that had become so precious to me. The piece I ended up choosing happened to be this wonderful woman’s favorite ring, but, for whatever reason, it didn’t work for her. But it worked for me. *smile* When I told her that was the one I wanted, she was so happy for me and immediately gave me the best hug. That ring was waiting for me. That jewelry store was also. I was meant to meet those women.

And here’s the funny thing. This wasn’t the store from the travel blog. I had to leave the store for some hours and return again for my darling ring. As I was navigating back to the store from my hotel, I ended up at a different jewelry store by the same name. As I walked up to that shop, a man was sitting inside, and everything was different. I simply stopped in front of it, rather confused, and said aloud, “Oh.”

I was so startled there were two distinct shops by the same name.

I found my bearings and walked the 10 or so minutes to my jewelry shop, the one with the strong women I’d connected with, the one with my ring, that symbolized so much for me. I strongly believe in energy and the universe took me to that jewelry shop instead of the one I’d initially intended on going to. I said it before…I was meant to meet those women.

They became a significant part of my journey. Their time was a gift for me. Their powerful presence and enlightening and positive conversation, it all filled my soul. I will carry these women in my heart and can’t wait to take my daughter back to meet them.

Strong women have been my guiding force since last March. I know now that I can live this life without a man by my side. But I could never spend my time without my community of dynamic and amazing women.

So, on this Thanksgiving day, which happens to simply be Thursday for me, I am writing this with a heart that’s been overwhelmed with gratitude since last week. I don’t need a day to remind me to focus on all the things I’m thankful for this year. Some years past, this time was a necessary reminder to slow down and give thanks. But this year? My heart has been full since November 15 and steadily stretching until now, when I think it just may burst.

Without this time, every single minute of these last 256 days, and all the ways I’ve chosen to spend them, I would not be exactly who I am today.

And so, today more than ever, I am grateful for the luxurious gift that is time and for the influential and beautiful community of women in my life. You are my tribe and no amount of time or space could ever separate us. You’ve proven that.

From feeling like nothing to knowing that I’m everything, from wanting to be out of the country on this significant holiday to being quite content with only my pups by side, this Thursday is going to be a great one.

I hope your heart is filled today, also, no matter where you are or what today means to you. After all, it’s only Thursday.