A Facebook memory popped up today that made my blood run cold. I literally got goosebumps as I read the words and remembered who I was 5 years ago.
There was a list of something that, man, I wish I knew what it was now, but apparently a good bit of that list resonated with me. And so, without any hesitation or understanding of what I was publicly saying, I wrote those words, and posted my thoughts.
I had no trust in my own capacity and freely told that to my FB community without understanding exactly how vulnerable that whole post was. (Now, I post super vulnerable and raw blogs with the full realization that that is exactly what I am doing.) And you know what is even crazier? I only JUST had that lack of self trust epiphany a few months ago in therapy. I had no idea that I’ve been living this life completely ignoring my internal voice because I didn’t trust it. *woah*
At least now I’m self aware and can work at regaining trust in my own self again – after decades of it being lost. And that’s probably why this memory stopped me cold today.
I still hesitate when listening to my gut. I still completely disregard that little voice. But now it’s quite transparent what I am doing and I can learn how to adjust my mindset and rebuild trust in myself again. Which is pretty cool, I think…to be able to understand I have an area of growth and I can choose to actually better myself through it…
You know, I haven’t written in ages. My life has changed dynamically from when I first started writing here. My ex and I have grown to be very close friends and I adore his partner – she’s a great mom and I’m grateful for her influence in my daughter’s life. What a 180!
And I have changed – so much. I went to Greece (I’m sure I wrote about this experience in an earlier blog), alone, just over a year after I’d written that fear laden Facebook post. I flew there to attend a private photography workshop (so I could learn how to use my camera) with 2 complete strangers, who were both men. And after I learned all the things from them, I spent 2 or 3 days in Athens all by myself. And on my very first day in Greece, with those two strangers (now turned good friends), I got a tattoo with the words, “strong, capable, enough.”
Because I was. I am. I always have been.
Others may not always treat me in ways that make me feel that I am strong, capable, or enough for them but I’m pretty sure it’s because I haven’t been strong, capable, or enough for myself – as is obvious in my old post.
But, little by little, I’m getting there. I’m more self aware now than ever in my life, and that’s got to count for something, right?
I am now a photographer as my profession, which brings my trip to Greece full circle. I’m just starting out, really, and attended my first photography conference just about 3 weeks ago. I went alone and without knowing a single soul. And there wasn’t any part of me that was afraid in any way. I was SO excited.
Me. The girl who was afraid of the outdoors after dark. Who was afraid of going to the grocery store, and who would never, ever dream of trusting herself to her own safety.
And, wow. Just wow. What happened in those 4 days changed me. Like, not just mentally, with everything I learned, and not just emotionally, with everyone I met, but on a true soul level. The me who was me on September 9 is no longer the me that is sitting here today. It was THAT dynamic.
Every single thing that happened during that conference helped me to grow. I respond to situations differently now than I would have before, had I experienced the same exact situation. I know how the old me would have responded. And I rather like how the new me is responding.
This new me values herself in a way that feels subtle on the outside (for now), but is churning, growing slowly, much like a wildfire, deep within. I feel this spark that was ignited there and it’s growing and, I’ve got to say, I’m really liking it.
It’s funny how pivotal moments to my whole “soul being” have occurred around photography. First in Greece, and now this past conference. The people in this industry are truly something special…and the connection was immediate and wild and beautiful and intense and unimaginable. Truly.
If I were still that woman (I want to say girl) from 5 years ago, I never would have gone to Greece and met 2 incredibly exceptional men who unbeknownst to any of us, jump started the career I am in today.
If I were still that woman from 5 years ago, I never would have been brave enough or ambitious enough to participate in a photography conference in another state and with absolutely no existing connection, no anchor, nobody to “keep me safe.”
That is one thing that has changed, thankfully. I feel entirely and perfectly capable of keeping my own self safe in public. I may still have trust issues with my internal voice, but there is NOTHING stopping me from diving head first into new experiences. Especially ones that will help me grow on multiple levels. Before, fear controlled so much of my life, but now, I am just so excited to see what growth occurs over the next 5 years from experiences created by being strong, capable, and enough…
And you! Well, I’ll leave you with this. If you are living in fear and doubt, to the extent that you avoid actually living a remarkable life – like I was – I invite you to do something that you would consider brave (just keep it safe, obviously). It may be something tiny to an outsider, but start showing yourself exactly who you are. You never know what kind of wildfire that small spark could ignite.
The lesson for myself in all this? I am, in fact, strong, capable, and enough. If for nobody else but myself.
Hello, my dear readers! I’m back to introduce you to a new adventure! I am starting a new business – Body Issues. It’s a photography business focusing on all things MAN!
We live in a society plagued with masculine toxicity (the idea that any deviation from stereotypical manliness is “wrong.”) Men, I see you. I am here to bring you out of the shadows and work to break the stereotypes with you. You, afterall, are human, too. You are filled with emotions and thoughts and vulnerabilities! And you deserve to be noticed.
Welcome to Body Issues! Here is a blog that will be featured on my new website bodyissues.me. It isn’t quite ready to launch yet, but it’s coming! Keep checking.
As always – so much love to you all.
“Men don’t have feelings.”
“Men CAN’T show their feelings.”
“Man Up!”
Right?
Ugh…..
No!
Society has made it so difficult for men to be human. Men are not allowed to be vulnerable. It’s a sign of weakness. Men are taught that. Man up. Bury your feelings. Oh, and you’re incapable of being a good father without your child’s mom’s influence and help.
During divorce, so many men are told they won’t be able to make it. How are they going to work and manage taking care of their children? They lose custody. They’re told by their ex-wives, the courts, and so many others that they can’t. They aren’t capable. So they start to believe it. But these men can’t feel their feelings. They have to bury them. They have to man up. Nobody sees the weight of the loss. The weight of the pain from the perceived failure.
But men are walking around everyday with this immense hurt and sadness and frustration and guilt and so many other heavy feelings. They’re weighted down from so many moments that have hurt them but they haven’t had a safe space to take time to process these feelings. Men are not encouraged to talk about their emotions. In fact, men are encouraged to stifle all this pain and just keep taking care of everything and everyone else. With no regard to taking care of their own self. Self-love, self-care…sadly, it’s not a widely accepted thing for men.
We live in a society of toxic masculinity. It isn’t safe for a man to exhibit any quality that isn’t stereotypically “man.” But it’s time we change that!
Men are human. They have feelings. They feel failures and sadness and guilt just like many women do. They just aren’t “allowed” to talk about it. And they rarely give themselves permission to feel these heavy emotions.
But here, at Body Issues, and especially during your photo shoot, permission is granted!
Be free. Be vulnerable. Be you.
I see you and I feel your pain. I believe you are amazing fathers and caregivers, professionals, and workout enthusiasts, and humans just doing the very best you can. The way you work so hard to keep all your identities in balance is admirable and should be celebrated!
So, book a shoot and let’s work together to break those toxic stereotypes. Let’s redefine the “Man Up!” concept and show the world exactly what men are made of! I can’t wait to work with you!
Lately it’s been hard to feel fully present in my personal life. Professionally, I’m solid. Those kids have every ounce of my attention.
But personally…I don’t know. I feel tired. I’m so busy and all I do is run, it feels like. I run from one thing to another to another with everything scheduled right down to the minute.
And there’s so much noise in my head.
My thoughts are running full tilt. I want to live truly authentically, but damn, that’s really hard. I want to fully embrace Maya Angelou’s quote, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
But what if I don’t want to believe them? What if I want to see what I want to see? What if I know I’m making 34,000 excuses for them and their behavior?
Excuses. We all have them…
Goodness! It’s just So.Much.Noise.
It feels chaotic inside right now. I hear myself arguing with myself. I have contradictory thoughts all day long.
Sometimes I literally shake my head to try to clear it. No, really. I just did.
It doesn’t work.
I’m so tired.
I’ve been binge eating. And then I am left feeling simply dreadful.
And I feel so unsettled.
I need something to change things up…to give me a figurative shake. Nothing earth shattering like what happened 7 months ago now – oh, goodness, please nothing like that!
But… I do leave for Greece in 28 27 days. So there’s that.
I need that time. I’m craving this solo adventure more than ever.
I have hope that it will help to center me again. Because I need that. Desperately, at this point.
I feel like I’m sacrificing a piece of myself for an illusion of happiness. And…I just want to feel genuine happiness.
*sigh*
More importantly, I want to feel genuine.
It takes so much effort to be strong. Some of you know this all to well. It takes a ton of effort just to stay afloat. And then to run my business. Or to be a present and engaging mom.
Sometimes it feels as though I cannot breathe. So, all of this, and for so much more, I honestly can’t wait until I can run away. Just momentarily, though. I’ll be back, of course. My daughter is my world. My business fills my heart with joy. I just need a break.
Because…have I mentioned how loud it is in my head? It’s constant, guys. I feel at odds with myself, my actions, my thoughts…
This is not living authentically.
I feel like I’m barely hanging on right now.
Last night Two nights ago, I received a barrage of texts from my ex, blasting me for no reason, other than his own anger. It was completely unprovoked.
I’m still on edge from it.
Then it happened again tonight. Except this time, he decided to threaten both me and a friend of mine. It’s been 7 months. Seven months today, actually. When will his abuse stop?
And then there’s the big court date one week from today yesterday. We will stand before a judge for about 20 minutes and then become legally separated. Finally. 7 long months later. To be quite honest, I can’t wait for a judge to tell me that I can start putting this all behind me.
For now, though, I feel myself disconnecting. Retreating. Everything takes so much out of me. Friends call and I ignore their calls. I just can’t bring myself to engage in any lengthy conversation. Or try to summarize my thoughts. It’s just too much right now.
I wish I could fast forward to 10 years from now and take just a little peek at who I am. Who my daughter is. Man, I hope that she continues down this path that seems so incredible and bright.
I hope I don’t ruin her.
I know this sounds…umm, bleak, I suppose. I know it’s just part of the wave. I’m riding it – still. Perhaps I always will.
And guys, I still smile. It still reaches my eyes. I get excited and re-energized when I get to work with my kids. I am in love with my professional life and am grateful this is how I earn my living. My clients are nothing short of the best.
I have incredible people in my life who make me feel incredible things.
Overall, I am lucky.
Overall, the energy I put out is beautiful and, therefore, my life is beautiful.
And…I still have my days. I am still human. I still deal with threats and verbal and emotional abuse.
So, some days are exhausting.
And loud.
And oh, so terribly chaotic.
I suppose that’s the thing – life is noisy for all of us. But we all walk around, putting our best foot forward, showing our strongest side to the world. And because of that, nobody is vulnerable. So you feel devastatingly alone. The feeling of isolation is intense.
I know because that’s where I’ve been lately. I’ve been quiet, not writing in ages. Because, I guess, maybe for a while, I felt uncomfortable being so raw, so vulnerable. I was starting to drown again and to write about it made it too real. And I thought I was alone, in feeling like this.
I shared this (unfinished) blog with two people before I decided to finish it up tonight and publish it. They both said it resonated with them.
So, to write about it shows me that I am not alone in how I feel. Some of you also have a lot of noise in your heads that feels impossible to quiet. Some of you lead sharply scheduled lives, just like I do, running (literally) from “important thing” to “important thing.”
But are they all truly that important?
For a while, I got lost in the motions. There’s a song that a longtime friend shared with me a while ago and I can’t help but think of it now. It’s the song “Living,” by Dierks Bentley and the most impactful part of the song, to me is,
And it hit me It’s a beautiful world sometimes I don’t see so clear
Some days you just breathe in Just try to break even Sometimes your heart’s poundin’ out of your chest Sometimes it’s just beatin’ Some days you just forget What all you’ve been given Some days you just get by And some days you’re just alive
That’s it. Lately, I feel like I’ve just been getting by. I’m alive. I’m breathing. But I’m running through the motions.
Therefore, I am not satisfied. Not really. Deep down something feels off. So I go back to what I said earlier – I think I am not living authentically.
So what’s the first step? There’s so much chaos, I don’t really know where to begin! Do I take the time to create a process so that I can hire somebody and start expanding my business? Do I stare the fear of failure in its face and begin writing the first words of my book? And what do I do with the barrage of texts from my ex that hit me like a gut punch at random times when I least expect it?
I guess I just keep breathing. And remember this part of the same song,
Some days you start singin’ And you don’t need a reason Sometimes the world’s just right Your clear eyes ain’t even blinkin’ Got a heart full of grateful For all you’ve been given Some days you just get by Yeah some days you’re just alive Some days you’re livin’
Livin’ like you’ll never die Blue’s a little bluer up in the sky You’re high’s a little high You feel that fire you’ve been missin’ Some days you’re living
So, that’s where I end for today, I suppose. Focusing on gratitude. Because overall, life is pretty incredible. And I’m more than grateful for this journey, for placing me exactly where I am today.
Through the chaos and noise, I’m going to try to refocus my energy so that I can feel that fire that I’ve been missing lately.
Today, right now, I’m choosing to truly live. Again. I’m chasing that fire and am in hot pursuit of authenticity. Because living disingenuously just sucks way too much life out of me.
I’m done being merely alive. Today, I’m living. Who’s with me?!
Today’s writing is more of a musical journey – a glimpse into one of the many tools I’ve used to process, reflect, and grow since March. I’ve relied heavily on music to help me feel sane and less isolated over the last half a year and these songs have evoked incredible emotional responses, from breaking out in chills all over, to ugly crying, to fist pumping and cheering because I really am a strong woman, like the song’s lyrics tell me.
Lately I’ve wondered where my life would be without music. I don’t think there are many things in this world that offer the truly magnificent power that music does. It can calm the mind, make you smile and laugh, make you cry out of sadness or happiness, recall old loves and other such memories you’d thought were long forgotten, and it can make you feel as though you are able to accomplish absolutely anything.
Playing my piano is my “go-to” move when I’m stressed. I sit there and play until I can breathe properly again. When I’m driving, in the shower, exercising, hiking, or relaxing, I have my music on. But it’s not just any music lately. The songs I listen to are the ones I deeply connect with…the ones that align with where my mind, heart, and soul are in this moment.
You see, some friends recommended that I make a playlist way back at the beginning of this journey, which started over 6 months ago now. And how it has morphed over time is quite fascinating! The first several songs that were added to the playlist were pretty angry and bitter (think “Figures” by fellow Colombiana, Jessie Reyez, “God Damn Liar” by Dirty Heads, and “I Don’t F**k with You, by Big Sean and E-40).
Now, the playlist is beginning to fill with songs that reassure me of a great deal of things. Through songs like, “Outnumbered” by Dermot Kennedy, I am now convinced that love like I’ve never felt before could, in fact, exist and someone is out there that will make me feel adored, empowered, valued, and worthy of that incredible love through his actions. And with songs like “Hero” by Christina Perri, I am reminded that even if that’s not in my cards, I am now a strong woman who doesn’t need it in order to feel happy.
And I am. I am a strong woman now. Stronger than I ever was before. I feel myself getting stronger every single day. And for, I think, the very first time in my life, I truly love myself.
Goodness, that’s both so powerful – and so difficult – for me to write. It makes me cry to actually put it down in black and white for you to read.
Up until quite recently, I didn’t love myself. Hell, a good portion of the time, I didn’t even like myself. If you could’ve heard the way I spoke to myself in my own head, I’m sure you would’ve been shocked.I was insecure and sad and looked upon myself with unkind eyes.I tried, oftentimes quite successfully, to portray a strong, independent woman. But I was not living in public how I felt in my head. There was a lot of “fake it ’till you make it” going on. I was really good at playing the part I thought I was supposed to – and it was exhausting.I felt like a fraud.
So these tears? They’re hard earned. And they are made with a mixture of both great sadness and pure joy. It makes me terribly sad that I’ve lost so many years beating myself up and believing the negativity that was spewed at me. And I’m also thrilled that I’ve figured it out – I finally see that I am worthy of all things wonderful and beautiful. I understand that other people’s actions and reactions have little (or nothing) to do with me. Do you know just how freeing that is?! It is an incredibly impressive feeling, to truly love oneself, this whole perfectly imperfect wonderful being that I am.
So what does it look like to genuinely have love for yourself? I’ll tell you what it means to me… Loving myself is:
to feel secure and confident enough that I am free to be vulnerable,
to have a complete disregard for any potential pain or sadness, simply because I’d rather experience the joy in this moment that I know I deserve, and am comfortable enough to know that I can overcome that pain/sadness if it does come around,
to live entirely authentically, because I now know that I am strong enough, and I finally value myself enough, that I can, and will, overcome any hurt that might come my way,
to be sofearless and empowered that I am taking a solo trip to the other side of the world, destroying the idea in my head that I am not strong enough or capable enough to travel alone, because I now know that I am plenty enough of both of those things,
to have a defined bar and understanding of how I want to be treated in a relationship and to come to the conclusion that I’d rather be single, surrounded by my incredible community of friends, than to ever settle for feeling less than I deserve, because I now know that I am worth it and more than enough, and have no problems walking away if my partner doesn’t see that,
to finally, and wholeheartedly, believe that I am enough.
I heard a song the other day, called “Worth It” by Danielle Bradbery that spoke to that last point. Her song, these lyrics…it’s just everything to me right now. I needed this reminder, especially today.
‘Cause I’m worth it You’re crazy baby if you think that I don’t know it I ain’t afraid to walk away if you can’t see it, believe it And give me the love I’m deserving ‘Cause I know I’m worth it
There’s nothing like having the epiphany that I am enough and then shortly thereafter hearing a song that validates my thoughts and reassures me that that is exactly how I should be thinking.
Music really is so remarkable…and so influential.
I mentioned “Hero” earlier. It’s a recent addition that came recommended by an incredible friend, a strong woman who has been dragged through the mud and is now rising above, more tenacious and determined than ever before. When she played this song for me, the physical reaction to the words was incredibly intense – instant chills and tears (guys, I’m a crier, what can I say? *shrug*).
Just listen to this song and read these specific lyrics while you picture a broken soul, who never, ever thought she was enough, because she came to believe every nasty word that had been thrown into her face over the years. Then picture that same shattered woman, pieces picked up and taped, glued, stitched, and cemented back together. She has her head held high, wearing a smile that she’s been told can light up a room, and she’s filled with a radiant love that glows from the inside out, because she has finally realized she’s a pretty cool person after all. If you can picture all of that, you’ll understand my reaction to this song.
…But I found I’m powerless with you Now I don’t need your wings to fly No, I don’t need a hand to hold in mine this time You held me down, but I broke free I found the love inside of me Now I don’t need a hero to survive ‘Cause I already saved my life
And I really did. I saved my life. Not alone, of course. I am fortunate enough that I had the help and support from so many incredible people, and it was through their unconditional love that I found the love inside of me. Don’t get me wrong. Some days are still hard. Sometimes, even with the slightest, most minor of rejections, those old thoughts of unworthiness tiptoe, ever so carefully, back into my head, swirling around so quietly that I don’t even realize what is happening. I just feel low and the old thought patterns start cycling through my mind, but more out of habit than actual belief.
And that’s the difference.
Before, when I would have my dark moments, those moments would spiral into days, and sometimes consume an entire week. I wouldn’t be able to create a different internal dialogue because I genuinely believed the negative thoughts playing on repeat.
Now, when I start to have that negative self-talk, when I turn to beating myself up and internalizing it all, and I start thinking once again that I am not worthy or “enough,” I simply play that song. And I remember who I am today.
I am no longer powerless. I am no longer held hostage by the voices of others who feel it necessary to bring me down and tear me apart with their words. Because I have a deep love for myself now.
Love is powerful. Everyone seems to understand that. But self love? Holy smokes, it’s other worldly! I almost feel as though it’s a superpower. By genuinely loving myself, it gives me a sense of freedom and fearlessness that I’ve never possessed. It’s quite intensely beautiful, actually. And so far from who I once was.
It’s crazy to look back to last March, to reflect on who I was and how I initially handled my imploding world. I was an entirely different person then. It truly fascinates me! While I now try hard to live in the moment, to focus on this breath that I’m taking and enjoy what is directly in front of me, there’s nothing like taking a glance into my past to offer a bit of perspective and see just how far I’ve come.
Which brings me to another song on my playlist – “30,000 Feet” by Ben Rector. From the first time I heard it, it does its job in reminding me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
I’ve walked into harder times, I’ve walked out the other side It seems like you end up getting what you need Yeah looking down from 30, 000 feet Life’s been good to me
In the grand scheme of things, life has been very good to me. Yeah, sure, my ex cheated on me with random women for damn near a year before I found out (thanks to one of those women who decided to reach out to me after my ex insulted her one too many times). And yep, that sucked terribly. But now, looking back with peace in my heart, our marriage really should’ve ended long ago. We weren’t a good fit. We didn’t lift each other up. We became the couple that brought out the worst in one another. We had no tolerance for each other. So, his multitude of betrayals was really a gift. I see that now. When I reflect for a moment and see the woman I was, compared to the woman I am today, I am grateful for that gift he gave me. It was an incredibly difficult lesson to go through but now that I’m here on the other side, I am stronger because of it.
I now move forward in a different direction. One where I have the opportunity to be loved and feel love in ways I’ve never imagined. In ways that I thought only existed in fairy tales. Or, I have the opportunity to move forward confidently alone, rocking out this life with my incredible community and my amazing daughter.I welcome either path. Because I am lucky to have the life I currently do, that is already filled with an abundance of love that is truly unconditional.
So, yes, life’s been good to me.
It is worth it to take a bird’s eye view of my life every now and then. When I’m in the thick of it, my view is far too narrow to see the bigger picture. But as I’m driving along from client’s home to client’s home throughout the day, and 30,000 feet comes on, it forces me to take a moment to look back. And with that gain in perspective, I can’t help but smile.
Because where I am today feels right. It feels good. I love that I am here, in this space, with all the life I’ve already gone through. Pink’s song, “I Am Here,” is filled with lyrics that explain this:
I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found ... I am here, I am here I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear ... May the light be upon me May I feel in my bones that I am enough ... My heart it is racing, but afraid I am not Afraid I am not ...
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I was…goodness…you know, I was so lost 6 months ago. I hit rock bottom. I felt completely and utterly shattered and didn’t know who I was, where I was going, or how I could survive another day. And now? I’ve found myself. I’m a me that I never knew could exist. And because I experienced that devastating catastrophe that ended the life I once knew, I now feel in my bones, down to my very core, that I am enough. And I am fearless.
The freedom that I now feel in my life would never exist without the events leading up to and then occurring on March 17, 2019. The person I am today is here, in great deal, due to my amazing friends, who have journeyed alongside with me, lifting me up every moment they could, being the constant support I so needed.
And then there’s my playlist, which has been my therapist in the car, the shower, or on hikes up the incline. Music has been a vital part of my journey, evolving as I have grown and my perspective has changed. Some days I skip the “old” songs that were amongst the first added, because I no longer need those messages. Some days, I play the same song 4 times in a row, belting out the lyrics in the car as tears stream unashamedly down my face, because the lyrics feed my soul in that moment and I can’t get enough.
There’s a lot about my life today that I never imagined would be my reality. And I’m perfectly okay with that now. In fact, I am hopeful, grateful, and quite content. I have people in my life who value me and remind me of exactly what it is that I deserve.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? That is something I no longer really waste much time worrying about. If I do start to go down that rabbit hole, I bring myself back by asking myself, “How do you feel right now, in this moment?” How I feel in the moment is all that matters to me. If the moment is filled with positivity, I embrace it and keep doing what I can to allow that positivity to linger. If things don’t feel right in my world, then I reflect and figure out a way to bring things right again. Because now I know that I am strong enough, and capable enough, to make the difficult decisions that will make things right in my world once again.
In the last 6 or so months, I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve felt the hurt caused by multiple, appalling betrayals. I’ve felt sadness so intensely that the physical pain from breaking my hand during that first week went unnoticed. I’ve experienced anger that I never realized could legitimately exist outside of the imaginations of experienced screenplay writers and best-selling authors.
And while I know that I am still a work in progress, I’m becoming a renewed and more capable person than ever before. I’m a significantly improved and transformed self.
So, when it comes to making difficult decisions that will ultimately make my life better, I move forward – head on. Sure, I still feel a deep sadness in those situations. And I lament the broken possibility. But I will never again stay in any situation that makes me feel like my world is a bit off kilter.
I will never again sacrifice my authenticity – or my heart.
Because now I know better.
The lyrics from the song “Didn’t Know Better” by Ivan B make me roll my eyes and smack my forehead. I may have not known better before, but I surely know better now. And when you know better, you do better (thank you, Ms. Angelou!).
I just didn’t know better I used to have no confidence Uncomfortable in my own skin Deep down, way-way back then I just didn’t know better
I have the confidence now to know that I can overcome a great deal of pain. There isn’t much that could happen that would hurt worse than what my ex – my daughter’s father – did. And I’m more comfortable in my own skin than ever in my life. Which is a dangerously beautiful combination.
“I am here,” living moments at 38 years old that I couldn’t have anticipated would fill my life. And you know what? Through it all, I am bound and determined to make the best of it.
So, bring it, life. With all of your chaos, uncertainty, love and heartbreak, joy and laughter…bring it all. I’m here to live this adventure out loud and with fearless, fierce moxie, all while shamelessly belting out the song lyrics that match, as I walk along on this musical journey.
With my ex, I thought I had to work to prove my love to him. And I had to earn his love. And on the days where I didn’t earn it, it affected me in such a way that it made me wonder about my worth. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I get him to love me? What was wrong with me thatI wasn’t enough for him?
*sigh*
Because I haven’t held back yet, there’s no point in starting now. I’m going to get just a touch more vulnerable with you all and share a couple poems that I wrote on March 3 of this year, exactly 14 days before I found out he’d been living a double life.
Darkness
lonely soul, vacant eyes a stretched smile, nothing but a guise.
surrounded by love and support - except from The One, who tends to fall short.
rarely understood, no interest in chatting, she stands alone, her heart and mind combatting.
if hope exists, she doesn't quite see it. the baggage too great, the future dims - bit by bit.
can they hold on? how much longer? both want to love, but the heart must be stronger.
crowded life, full of joy. except from that one, special boy.
so her soul is tired. desperate and alone. her heart is heavy. she's worn to the bone.
with nothing at home to hold her close, she quietly slips away, unnoticed as she goes.
-KKC
That same night, I also wrote this one:
You
She's strong and broken, both happy and deeply pained. Buried and losing herself to this life, she feels chained.
She wants nothing more than authentic living, a heart that beats true. Moments spent with her best friend... If only it could be You.
-KKC
I share these with you because this is where my head and my heart were a mere 2 weeks before finding out about the nearly year-long series of betrayals. Our marriage hadn’t always been difficult, but the last 6 years or so were pretty awful. By March, I knew something was off. I knew that we were hitting an all-time low.
Undeniably, it shows in my poetry.
And yet, I was still blindsided when I’d found out. And the feelings of unworthiness intensified after March 17. My mindset was in a terrible place, as all those negative thoughts, all the self-defeating inner dialogues, were justified – surely I wasn’t enough if he’d been able to do that.
Now, here we are, after just about 5 and a half months, loads of self-reflection, conversation, and affirmation after affirmation from my dear community, and I find myself turning the page on this chapter and staring at the promise of a brand new chapter.
I’m so excited to see how this one unfolds.
I was talking with a friend last night and we got on the subject of being “enough” and “worth it.” This is a constant struggle because, while my logical brain can process that of course I’m enough (I’m a onehundo, right?), emotionally it is still something I struggle with from time to time. I’m quite sick of believing the lies my inner dialogue feeds me, so I’m processing through it as frequently as possible, so I can, at long last, shut them down.
I was asked why is it that I don’t feel like I’m enough? And, with a shrug, my response was, “Historically speaking, I haven’t been. So, clearly, I’m not.” Without skipping a beat, the next question that was thrown at me was, “And where is that history?”
I sighed, then laughed, and said that it’s in the past. “Exactly,” was the response. “It holds no validity in the present.” Which is exactly what my closest friends have been telling me for decades, what my current community of phenomenal friends tell me, what my therapist told me on Tuesday… You see what I’m getting at. Just because it may have been true in the past (and yes, it may have also not been true, but that isn’t the point here), it holds absolutely zero weight today.
My past does not define me. What I do in this moment does. And in this moment, I do feel like I’m enough. I feel like I’m living my most authentic life, chasing down dreams, living without fear, and taking care of myself in ways I’ve never prioritized before.
Yet, these last two months have been pretty terrible. I’ve felt like my roller coaster has been completely out of control. Going into these months, I told myself they were going to be hard. And guess what? They were. I wonder how much my mindset controlled the peaks and valleys these last two months?
Actually, I know exactly how much my mindset controlled every peak and especially every valley that I’ve gone through during July and August. *rolls eyes*
Yet, I’m grateful for the rough road I’ve traveled throughout the last 6 or so weeks. Without it, I don’t think I would’ve been given the opportunity to hear so many positive messages from my community that continues to rally around me, showing me true unconditional love. My friends have been flooding me with loving affirmations and without realizing it, have been helping me recreate my story and rewrite the narrative that is my internal dialogue. Just because I may have been unworthy in the past doesn’t make it valid today.
I’m finally listening. I feel like today, I finally took out the earplugs. The messages are coming through, loud and clear.
Who I am today is the only real version of me that exists. And this girl is enough. And I know it. I feel it. Down to my bones.
I’m finally living the authentic life I’ve longed for, the life I’ve so desired.
As I was driving around today, from one client’s home to another, I was listening to the playlist I started months ago (thanks to friends who recommended I have a playlist for that chapter of my life), and continuously add to, that is full of songs that represent my journey. It is quite the mix and it’s interesting to see how the song choices have evolved with the passage of time.
A relatively recent addition, “Undisclosed Desires” by Muse, came on, which I’ve listened to no less than 30 times, at this point. But today, I actually heard it. Honestly, in the last day or two, I feel like I’m finally listening and absorbing everything that has been falling on deaf ears for so very long.
The following section hit me today like I was listening to it for the very first time. This is what my community has done for me. Every single person who has been here for me since March 17, giving me their love in order to lift me up, has essentially been saying these words to me.
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask I want to exorcise the demons from your past
My community has rallied with such consistently positive and affirming language, that I am actually starting to believe them.
Without me realizing it, and quite possibly without my dear friends even realizing it, they have been, slowly but surely, exorcising the demons from my past. And I’m not just talking about the emotional damage from the catastrophe that occurred 5 and a half months or so ago. I’m talking about decades of damage that is finally beginning to be healed.
Hours after Muse’s song struck a chord deep within, when I was exhausted from the long and busy day and just about to get home, Kacey Musgraves’ song, “Rainbow,” came on. Now, I’ve probably listened to this song several hundred times. But like I’d already mentioned, the energy surrounding me today is distinctly different, and so, I just got it. And the tears flowed freely as I drove into my neighborhood.
When it rain it pours but you didn't even notice It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when all we know is The struggle of staying above, the rising water line
I’d been drowning. For months and months. My community has been filled with the most incredible life preservers, letting me hang onto them, even though I was probably almost drowning some of them from the weight of my chaos…but they never let me go.
They waited out the storm.
And for months, I just couldn’t look up. They told me, over and over, that:
...the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin' But you're stuck out in the same old storm again You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head.
But I just couldn’t. No matter how many times they told me to look up and fed me all the words of love I needed to hear, I couldn’t believe them. I was just too busy holding tight to my umbrella, weathering the storm that was in my head, trying to keep from drowning. I was in survival mode for a long time.
It was when I heard this bit, where I really started to lose it:
If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others So tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around.
Because now, as I look around, I see them.
Guys, in that moment when I was driving, I could see all the colors. And everything is just so beautiful and filled with light.
Today, I’m finally able to put my umbrella aside. I’m no longer drowning in my storm. And I am sensing all of the messages. I can see that the sky if finally open and:
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over (my) head It'll all be alright.
Each and every blog I’ve written has been written in the raw moments of the intense emotions storming inside of me. I haven’t filtered my pain. I’ve been open and vulnerable to the blank page before me – and to all of you.
As a verbal processor, it has helped me work through whatever emotions I was feeling at the moment and by the end of each blog, I’ve, for the most part, felt better.
But once I’ve written them, I let them go. I haven’t gone back and read any of my blogs.
Until tonight, that is.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to, really. But for some reason, I’ve been in this challenging head-space lately. It’s even gotten to the point where it’s affecting my workouts, which has been super frustrating. Something has to change. I have to get my mindset right again.
So tonight, I decided to read the first few blogs, from the beginning. And you know what? I am not that person anymore. I’ve felt the change. I’ve known that I’ve blossomed into this different woman. But reading how I thought I should’ve behaved immediately afterwards blows my mind.
I needed to look back in order to move forward and I’m grateful I have the opportunity to do just that, thanks to these blogs.
Back then, I wanted to choose to act with class and to give my ex the grace he didn’t deserve. That was important to me. In those first weeks, that turned into that first month, I was hoping to be an example for my daughter in how you deal with pain. And I thought there was a “right” way to show her how it all should be processed.
I no longer believe that.
I have absolutely yelled at my ex in front of her. I have gotten angry and frustrated and slammed doors with such intensity that I thought perhaps I’d broken them. (I haven’t.)
But I haven’t punched a wall again. So, that’s a win. *smile*
Because I promise you that I have wanted to. So. Many. Times.
And I don’t think it’s wrong to show my daughter that a person can feel such intense anger. It’s real life. For years now, she has experienced the exact same intense anger where she yells – no, screams – at the top of her lungs and throws things and wants to shred things with her teeth and her little fists ball up and she shakes and she just wants an outlet…just like me when I get mad at her daddy. And then, when her anger subsides, her and I discuss it. Calmly. Rationally. And we hug it out.
Now, I don’t hug it out with my ex, but I do apologize to my daughter when she sees me get that angry. And she understands. Because she has that emotion, too.
I’m at a point now where I really don’t care about giving my ex grace or treating him in any special way for my daughter. He’s just there, the father of my daughter, and someone I have to interact with to go over the details of her life. At this point, it doesn’t need to be anything more than that. Calm and civil co-parenting is the current goal. Perhaps someday in the future, we’ll be friends. For now, I’m just not ready yet. Sasha Sloan says it best in her song Ready Yet:
I just want the bad feelings to end But there's some shit I can't forget I don't think I'm ready yet Hit me up another time Maybe one day I'll change my mind You know that I just wanna be your friend again But there's some shit I can't forget I don't think I'm ready yet
Too much has happened, too much has been said, so many ridiculously challenging moments have been had in the last 5 months for me to think like I did in those first few weeks after receiving the email.
And he’s surely not as filled with humility like he was at the beginning, either. Which has been challenging for me to deal with, though, I am starting to be able to let that go. So, my daughter sees a vast array of emotions. And we talk about them. I’ve been really quite sad the last couple days. And she barely acknowledges my tears anymore. Not out of a lack of empathy, because she is such a compassionate and sweet soul. But more because she is so used to it. She kind of looks at me sweetly, but then carries on with whatever she was doing in the moment. Because it’s normal.
Emotions are normal. Feeling sad or angry is normal. Feeling happy and laughing is normal. I’m showing her that it’s okay to feel whatever it is she’s feeling. It’s all exactly as it should be.
And maybe that’s a much more valuable lesson?
Through natural conversation, the topic of future step-parents being in her life was brought up. I told her that I would never bring a step-dad into her life that wasn’t an exceptional human…that didn’t cherish both her and I. I told her that if someone were to be a part of our lives like that, it’s because he’d be out of this world and nothing less. And she smiled. And then, with a smirk, she reminded me of her one requirement, that she stated *I think* the day we told her we were separating, or within the first few days, at least. She wants to call her future step-daddy (and step-mommy) “Poopy Head.” I told her that if someone were to be in our lives playing such an important role, he’d absolutely be someone with a sense of humor and would have no problems with his new nickname. And she giggled.
I think these kinds of conversations are healthy and needed – and significant. They are never forced and come about only when she asks questions. I think, a necessary part of giving someone grace, is turning a blind eye to what they did. I don’t want my daughter to ever deny her emotions in order to make someone else feel less rotten about themselves. I am not sorry for my emotions. And I don’t try to hide them. Throughout this whole process, I’ve been an open book. And she has seen me process and battle all along the way.
So this week that she has been with me, she has seen her fair share of my sadness. And we’ve shared happy moments, as well. For example, when she asked me yesterday if I’d gotten any new clients yet, and I told her I had, she got so excited for me. And she was proud of me because it’s this early in the school year and I already have new clients. And, on a different day, she asked me about my day before I even had a chance to ask her about her’s. She cares. She’s thoughtful, She’s so considerate and kind.
It’s been over 5 months since her daddy and I split and just about 2 months since she’s been going back and forth in between two homes. And, while she still has moments where she asks why we can’t get back together (where I honestly respond that there are some things you just can’t come back from, and she seems satisfied with that answer thus far), she is a resilient little soul who is doing just fine. Despite seeing her mommy’s raw emotions. Or maybe it’s in spite of them.
She is thriving. And so am I.
And as I wrote that last sentence, I smiled. Because I believe it again. I haven’t felt it for a few days now. I just haven’t felt right within my world. I think looking back at those first few initial blogs helped me achieve the perspective I needed. I’ve come a long way. And yes, I have a long way to go. Significant personal growth continues to lie ahead in my future. And, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I have undergone a monumental transformation over the last 157 days.
I really enjoy who I am now, especially when the clouds part from overhead and I can see myself clearly. Fearless. Authentic. And ready to explore all the possibilities that now lie along my path.
You know, writing is the most incredible outlet for me. I started this blog tonight feeling so defeated and just kind of beat up. Writing reminded me that my daughter is both healthy and rocking the heck out of her life. She is thrilled about the adventures on her path. She is getting braver (she just told me she wants to be an actress, which is huge, because she’s always been so shy!) and I am going to take a bit of that credit. She is seeing her mama live fearlessly and chase down opportunities that once scared me silent. And she wants to do the same.
So, it’s been just a bit more than 5 months since catastrophe struck our home, and I am now able to clearly see that my daughter and I are absolutely nailing the heck out of this life we’ve been thrown into.
Okay. Not like I ever really sugar coat things, but this one is going to be pretty vulnerable. *sigh*
I just don’t get it. I felt so cheerful and optimistic when I wrote my last blog. I felt so high, so much like, “I’ve got this! This new life is amazing!! The world is my oyster!!!” And then, the last few days have felt so heavy. A quick nosedive into “bleh.” This roller-coaster is so not predictable. It sucks.
And I don’t really know why these emotions of mine tanked.
At the risk of sounding terribly cocky, I know I’m a gem. I know that I’m ambitious and smart and fit and pretty. I know that I’m a catch. I also know that my downfalls are that I’m stubborn and require a fair amount attention/validation. And when I’m not getting that validation, I end up having endless arguments within my head that I’m being ridiculous and I don’t need external validation. But I sure want it! And I repeat, over and over to myself, that I am wonderful. I’m a gem! And that I know I am wonderful so who cares if nobody else tells me that I’m wonderful?! And then the argument with myself ends because I either realize in that moment that yes, I am a badass or there’s no point in arguing anymore because I just can’t convince myself.
And then I have moments like this morning, where I still find myself crying at the gym. So many tears have been shed there!
15 minutes before this picture was taken, tears were freely falling. Here, we’re all smiles, ready to take on Round 2 of a killer workout at F45 and get those endorphins flowing. I’m super grateful for my gym bestie!!
Today, at the very end of my workout, new tears were shed because Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” came on during the last station, when I’m in a plank, physically exhausted, and walloping my arms as hard as I can into a fake body thing. She sings,
My power's turned on Starting right now I'll be strong I'll play my fight song And I don't really care if nobody else believes 'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
And I cry…because it makes me feel like a fraud. Because days like today I just don’t feel like I’m strong or that I have any fight left in me. So the tears flow.
Some days I feel so tenacious and determined. And I know the world is my oyster and yadda, yadda. But then there are days like the last couple where I can’t snap out of the funk and it all feels too heavy. And all I want is a partner to remind me of how amazing I am. And then I want to believe it.
How can I fully grasp that I am this wonderful being AND still struggle with needing validation?
Look, I am a logical person. So, I start to reflect and really wonder where this is coming from. Have I always been someone who requires validation? (Friends who’ve known me for most of my life, or even for a while, reach out to me and tell me, please.) Or is this part of the aftermath because my ex stopped choosing me? Stopped fighting for me? And ultimately made the decision to throw me away?
I know why he says he made those choices. Because I was a crappy wife. I know why I was a crappy wife. Because I was treated awfully.
It was a terrible cycle that just spiraled out of control.
And, at the end of it, his choices still caused me feel as though I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t worth anything.
But I had my epiphany, right? I know I’m enough now. And I honestly do believe it.
So why do I feel like such a fraud still?
It’s beyond frustrating.
While a friend was reading my blog from the other day, he wrote me and said the sweetest things, validating me.
"You couldn't have said it any better. You are MORE than enough. Never let anyone tell you different. And I wouldn't call you a dime...more like a onehundo (that's slang for a one hundred dollar bill, people).
A dime can be easily lost, but losing a onehundo would feel like the end of the world."
Umm, yeah. That was so incredibly powerful to read. Especially the last line. My heart absolutely melted. It was exactly what I wanted, and perhaps even needed, to hear. I’ve read his words about 50 times, easily, in the last 2 days, to remind myself that what I feel is real.
I am the gem that I think I am. You should be sad if I’m not in your life. *shrug* While it’s hard to fully internalize it, I logically know that I am all these great and wonderful things. There are just some days where it’s a bit harder to fully own it, I guess.
It’s confusing and frustrating, though. How can you believe something about yourself and still argue with yourself that it’s real??? Why do I still feel like a complete fraud? I have to believe that this is a residual mess from the way my marriage ended.
Hmm, maybe that is it…
Perhaps it’s because actions speak louder than words. And in my reality, his actions were loudly and clearly that of someone who believed his wife wasn’t “enough.” So, while I know that I am enough, I also know that I wasn’t enough. At least, not as a partner. Not as a wife. Because if I had been, he would’ve fought for me, right?
Argh, even as I type that I know that to be untrue. I can’t absorb his fault. There’s never a good reason to do what he did.
But now that’s my baggage to carry, I guess. For the moment, at least. Until there’s a way to process this all out. It may take another opportunity to be in a relationship and see what kind of partner I can be. I’m not sure when or how I’ll let that baggage go, but I know I eventually will because my confidence is pretty great in all other facets of my life and I’m sure it’ll overpower these negative feelings eventually.
So maybe it’s not that I should feel like a fraud so much. Perhaps it’s more that I have yet to prove it to myself that I can be “enough” as a partner. Because no matter how much I logically understand that his choices during the last year of our marriage have very little to do with me, I still can’t help but internalize his words, that he’s repeated over and over, reminding me time and again, that it’s my fault.
But now, when those arguments inside my head happen, when I start absorbing the blame and questioning my abilities to be a worthy partner, I at least have the words quoted above, and of so many of my other friends, to fall back on. I keep saying that I’m going to write down each positive message that I’ve received from friends and stick them on a board or something, so I can see them every day and be reminded that plenty of other people think that I am enough.
So much weight shouldn’t be put on the actions from one person, especially when so many others negate it, except when that one person was someone you blindly loved and trusted with everything you had. The weight of that kind of betrayal, I’m finding, is quite challenging to fully dig out from. But I’m doing it, one pebble, one stone, one boulder at a time.
Because I am one incredibly resilient, beautiful badass. And I am enough – in all aspects. So I’ll keep smiling, keep living optimistically, authentically, and vulnerably, and I’ll remain open to possibilities and spontaneous adventure. And I know that one day down the road, someone will treasure me like the gem that I am. And, in turn, he will be adored.
Until then, I’ll keep fighting to stay strong. Because it is when I am strong that I remember that I am, in fact, a onehundo.
In approximately 6 hours from the time I am writing these first words, it will have been 5 months since I received an email that changed my life.
153 Days.
I used to call it a catastrophe. I suppose, by definition, it still is.
However, I now view that email as the greatest shove into opportunity that I have ever received.
I was in an unhappy marriage. I felt stuck. I hadn’t given it my all to make it work, so I couldn’t justify leaving. We have a daughter, so that complicated everything. Or so I thought.
I am stubborn.
And…
I do not quit.
I don’t run away from things. So, in a crappy marriage I stayed, with virtually daily phone calls to my best friend, complaining about how miserable I was. Almost daily phone calls for years, guys. Years and years and years. Very few people knew what took place behind the scenes. Very few people, even now, fully grasp how ugly it was. I didn’t even understand the extent at which I was broken. It was my normal. Hindsight, though, shows me that who I was in that marriage was a byproduct of how I was treated. I just didn’t see that then. I thought that was who I was. Cautious. Scared, really. Neurotic. Worried about every tiny little thing. A catastrophizer.
Wow.
But this is how I, slowly and without even realizing it, got there…
How do you frequently hear that you add such little value as a wife and not let that get internalized and become something so much greater than that? I decided I had to work harder to seek out everyone else’s validation and approval so that I could be enough in some capacity of my life. Because it was made abundantly clear that I was not enough at home.
I upped my effort and it paid off. I became an incredible mom, raising a little human into somebody who already adds value to society. And I got positive feedback from my efforts. Our bond grew tighter and we are still exceptionally close.
I also doubled my efforts as a teacher and became highly respected at my school. My students, the families, the other teachers, and my admin valued my input. They listened to my thoughts and opinions when I spoke them aloud (a novel concept that rarely occurred at home). They sought me out for advice.
But at home, when I tried, it went unnoticed. The message of not being enough was on repeat. My efforts there were overlooked and disregarded. I was frequently reminded of how awful of a wife I was. Right in front of my face, other women on the street stole his glances (ha! long stares, really), rather than him being blinded by pure love for me. I wasn’t enough. I was worth so little, in fact, that it didn’t matter to him that he did those things blatantly and right in front of me. And then, my own perceived value as a wife, and therefore, as a woman, slowly waned.
Over the years, I internalized it. I wasn’t enough. If I wasn’t “enough” at home, then how could I be enough for anyone – even myself. So, that black cloud hung over my head, creating this persona that had to hyper plan everything and fear the worst, because surely since I was such a failure as a wife, I must also be on the verge of failing everywhere else, too.
That is who I was for at least the last 6 years. And who I absolutely was 153 days ago. A beaten down version of myself. Guys, I seriously entertained the idea about taking him back! I didn’t value myself enough to fully believe in myself and walk away.
Well, until there was a breaking point and I filed straight away the next day. But that’s another story for another day. It might even be in an earlier blog, I cannot recall…
But now? Ha ha! I had my epiphany and I see my worth. And being “enough?” Psh, I am way more than enough.
Now? Man, oh, man… Now I know who I am. And watch out, world, because as my friend worded it on our way to volleyball yesterday in the car, I’m a dime.
I. Am. A. Dime.
And I know it. Now, boy, do I ever know it.
And nobody can take that from me ever again. If you don’t see my value in your world, then that is just fine. I get it now. It’s not about me. It’s about you. You don’t have to like peaches. (Hmm, I’d thought I’d written about that, too. But, in a nutshell, it’s a reference to my favorite quote: You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the orchard, and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.) It’s not up to me to change to fit your definition of who I should be, who is enough for you. I am enough just the way I am. If you don’t like me, then that is about you, not me. I get that now. I’m done taking it personally. It was never about me not being enough. (Oh, found it. Looks like I wrote all of this same type of stuff a week ago here. This topic has been a hot one for me lately.)
I wouldn’t be where I am today, with all this potential that lies before me, had I not received that email 5 months ago.
Five months. *shaking my head* Goodness, it feels as though that was a lifetime ago. And I suppose, in many ways, it was.
Without that woman having the courage to write me, I would still be questioning my self-worth. I would still be relatively unhappy.
Today, there is so much excitement in my life. Gah! There’s a whole load of things to be excited about. My energy is radiating happiness and my heart is open to being vulnerable.
My life has not aligned, professionally and personally, for years. Typically, things were wonderful professionally speaking and kind of, meh, personally speaking.
Not anymore. I am excited about both my professional and personal future. I have magnificent and fantastic dreams for me professionally that I am actively chasing down. Dreams that mesh perfectly with my many passions. Dreams that are realistically attainable. Actions in hot pursuit of those dreams that are pulling me in several different directions and keeping me awake at night from the buzz of the potential. It’s exhausting and exhilarating.
I am excited to live this life! Just a short time ago, I’d written that I wanted to fast forward and that I didn’t want to live this life that was unfolding. I am so grateful for the last 153 days and every single thing that occurred during them. They have meticulously molded this being into who I am today. And I love her.
I fully grasp the idea that when you live, especially when you live out loud and without fear, as I do now, a potential side effect of living like that is pain. I know I may get hurt again. I also know that if I don’t allow myself to be open to that possibility, I will miss out on the opportunity to truly live – and to be loved and cherished. I want to be treasured by another. I want to feel adored. I am looking forward to being able to shower someone with my love and know that he appreciates everything I have to give. I look forward to the chance at being in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, where we push one another to grow and become better versions of who we were yesterday. And because I know now that I am enough, I will never settle for anything less than a partner that elevates me and treats me as I truly deserve.
I love that I now realize that nobody defines my worth for me anymore. I am healthier, and stronger, now than I have ever been before: physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I am a dime and watch out, world, because there is no stopping me now.
Yet, I can’t say that I am healed. 153 days surely doesn’t seem like that much time. But, I have grown exponentially. I have had so many epiphanies and have learned a great deal on this journey thus far. Honestly, it feels as though a fire is burning within, burning so brightly that my spark could never be dulled by another again.
I’m filled with light. With gratitude. With vulnerability. With understanding.
This phoenix is rising from her ashes and cannot wait to fearlessly conquer her world. And I am more ready than ever to add color and beauty to whatever shall cross my path.
153 days. Of pain. Of agony. Of tears. Of defeat. All to lead me to where I am today.
I have about a 4 minute drive to my gym. That’s it. It’s through my neighborhood and across the street. Today, those 4 beautiful minutes brought me a realization that rattled me so hard, that I cried.
A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend and he asked me the following: “If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be? Be selfish, say exactly what comes to your mind.”
So, I did exactly that. I told him: “To be enough.”
His response was to ask for clarification. Did I mean for myself or for others. I told him, “Both.”
This interaction has weighed heavily on my mind, for obvious reasons. It was an incredibly vulnerable moment.
A week ago, I did the Manitou Springs incline with my bestie. While spending the morning together, many topics came up, of course. We’re friends, with busy lives and rarely get quality time like that. So we chat non-stop – even when we can’t breathe because we’re climbing almost 3,000 steps. *chuckling* Anyway, the topic of me not feeling like I’m enough came up.
And it’s haunted me since.
Then, like a lightning strike to my core, in a bitty little 4 minute drive this morning, out of the freaking blue, it hit me. I am enough.
I AM ENOUGH! *grinning like an idiot* I really am. *cue the tears*
It hit me like a ton of bricks, seriously. I was listening to a song…and then I was crying. And smiling. I can’t even remember the song.
I’ve always been enough. I’ve always been enough for me and for others around me. It was him who made me feel otherwise. It’s always been my ex. That’s not my issue – it was his perception that he reflected back at me. Perhaps it is he that feels that he isn’t enough? And he projected that onto me for years?!
Who knows. All I know now, after reflecting back on who I have been, especially in the last month or two, is that someone wouldn’t be as raw and authentic as I have been if they struggled with self-worth, or with feeling like they’re enough.
My interactions are pure. And if you don’t like what I say, what I believe, who I am, then it’s really no skin off my back. You see, I have this phrase that I love, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the orchard and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” If someone doesn’t enjoy your company, it probably has more to do with them than it does with you.
Because you are enough. And so am I.
I don’t see it as rejection and I don’t take it personally if somebody stops talking to me. It’s their prerogative to walk away. And it has more to do with them than it does with me. Because if it were really about me, and they cared enough, they’d approach me, talk with me, ask me the hard questions, and value the conversation. Like my bestie did last week. If they just walk away, then it’s not about me, and I don’t internalize it.
If I didn’t, deep down, think that I was enough, that wouldn’t be my response. It’d eat me up inside. I’d take it personally and something inside of me would be devastated.
But I am so secure with who I am that I’m pretty much completely unaffected. I mean, am I sad that I’ve lost friends? Sure. But, that’s all a part of life. Some people are just in your life for a season. And that’s just fine. I get it. Sometimes the friendship comes back full circle and if it does, wonderful! But for now, it’s like, I shrug my shoulders and move on. I’m done fighting to shove a square peg in a round hole. You don’t like peaches? Cool. Seriously. I’m not going to jam them down your throat or disguise them in a smoothie. *shrug*
So, I cried. Because I’m free! I’m finally free of the bricks that have been weighing me down, that I allowed my ex to place on me, one brick at a time, over the years. I never realized they were there, as there was such a subtle (and, at times, not so subtle) art of putting them into place.
Those closest to me have spent a lot of energy trying to take those bricks off. Telling me that I’m enough. But I just couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t wrap my head around how I could be enough when it had been ages since his actions showed me that I was enough. And then, for him to betray me? Insult to injury. Of course I wasn’t enough.
That was my thought process. Anything they said to tell me otherwise, was erased when he reinforced my thoughts by showing me that I wasn’t enough for him. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they? I wasn’t valued. So, that was my fault. Because surely I couldn’t have been enough or else we could’ve had one conversation without his phone in his hand (for example).
But – I am enough.And I always have been. I see that now. Geez…finally!
All of my actions are of someone who really doesn’t care what others think – because deep down inside, I’ve always known that I’m enough. I just had to dig my own way out from under the pile of bricks. I’m not out to behave in a way just so that it pleases you. I’m me. And I’m a delightfully juicy peach.
Or, as my friend told me. I’m not the free salsa. I’m the damn delicious cheese dip you probably pay way too much for.
I’ve been struggling a lot today. Well, for the last 2 weeks, really, but today especially. The weather is crap and that surely isn’t helping. My gym is closed on Sundays, so I didn’t get to workout, though I think I may go for a run when I’m done writing. Or go have a drink. A run is healthier but a drink sure is yummier! (*Update: I opted for a nap. It was quite lovely.*)
It all just feels so empty. And I feel so sad because of how afraid I am to connect – like, really connect – with someone ever again. The idea of a future like that, while super safe, just feels so lonely. And it’s just that I don’t know how I’d ever trust anyone again. I don’t want to let anyone in; I don’t see how it’s worth it to let my guard down and be vulnerable. But maybe that’s the only way to combat the emptiness…
So, are those my options? Have superficial fun, never get hurt, and feel a bit empty inside? Or let someone in and put myself at risk to feel extreme trauma and pain? Because to me, now, love is synonymous with pain. The two go hand in hand.
They always have. So why wouldn’t it always be that way?
Guys, I can’t ever feel like this again. This anguish and turmoil, this colossal, life and soul altering catastrophe that’s changed everything I once knew…this has to be a once in a lifetime thing, right? But there’s no guarantee to that. This could absolutely happen again. People cheat and lie. They betray. They are selfish and awful. They convince themselves that their awful behavior is justified in some way. And I’m not just talking about my ex. There is a ton of evidence that this is exactly what people do. It’s naive to believe otherwise.
But, one thing at a time, I suppose. There’s not a whole lot that matters past how I’m feeling today, right now. And, again, today sucks. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want it all to stop. Without really realizing it, I’ve buried my pain, for the most part, for the last 84 days. I ignored it and focused on being angry. But it’s getting harder to ignore. And it’s been far more noticeable at home.
My ex ended up getting the house and we told our daughter yesterday that she’d be living in two homes. Her response? “Eh, I knew this was coming.” That was it. She didn’t even care. She literally said, “Eh.” I mean, come on!
And I think I know why. It’s been so toxic in her home for the last 2 weeks that I think this was a welcome relief for her. I hope that it will be a welcome relief for me, too. Though I also think it’s going to force me to face my reality that I’ve been trying so hard to escape. And that scares me. I don’t know that I have the capacity to fully grasp the level of hurt that is in me. The few times that I have allowed this pain to surface – or, more accurately, that I haven’t had the emotional energy to keep it stifled – has been truly debilitating. It’s paralyzing. It makes me want to stay in bed and just shut my eyes to the world. I become this, ugh, I don’t even know how to describe it…but it just feels empty.
I feel empty.
In this moment, it feels as though I’m never going to be able to get past this betrayal. Every time I look at my ex, I see someone who massacred who I was. Right now, in this moment, I feel like his actions have forever changed me and in some ways, that’s a phenomenal thing and in others, it’s just a pretty terrible thing. I know that eventually I will be able to move past what he’s done to me. Time heals all wounds, doesn’t it? I also know that I can’t move past this until I can make sense of it all. And none of this makes sense. This level of pain that I have living in my heart just doesn’t make sense.
So, to be perfectly honest with you, now that I am going to have a significant amount of quiet time, I’m pretty nervous about it. I’m going to be forced to confront exactly what I’ve been trying to bury. I’m going to finally have to process this trauma. And I don’t know that I have the strength within to do so. It just feels like way, way too much. It’s layered and intertwined and invaded my soul. The shattered pieces are far too small to collect, much less put together.
But, as I write these words, I feel a spark within. If I can’t reuse the old pieces to reshape my life, why not mold new ones? I have an opportunity to reinvent bits of myself. I can use this catastrophe to catapult me into a new and wonderful space. One that only existed in my dreams. I can chase down those dreams, unafraid now, because if I fail in my pursuit, it’ll still never feel even close to how I feel today. Tomorrow’s pain from life’s stumbles surely won’t compare to the utter destruction in my soul I have today.
So, perhaps my mindset needs to be that I now know the true “depths of despair” (thank you, dear Anne Shirley) and I can only go up from here.
Huh. I love writing. I literally am crying right now because I genuinely feel hope. I actually cantackle whatever life throws at me. Barring something horrible happening to my daughter (God forbid…), no failure in life would be worse to come back from than my current situation. If I can process this and figure out how to let my pain go, then I honestly feel like I could conquer anything.
I feel like something incredible just happened. I can see the phoenix beginning to rise from her ashes.
Perhaps I will be okay, after all.
It’s all about perspective, right? Today sucks. No doubt about it. And very little could make tomorrow suck worse than today.
So, time to stop wallowing in the suck. I can honor that this sucks. Of course it does. I can give myself grace to feel this pain – no, agony, really.
But I will not give myself permission to let this jade me. I’m making that decision right now. I refuse to let the bitter taste of this betrayal linger on my tongue for much longer.
I may not know what tomorrow holds, but perhaps one day I will believe in fairy tales again.
A Graceful Catastrophe 