A Graceful Spiral

When it comes down to it, we all choose the life that we want…even if it isn’t the life we say we want.”

Imposters S1: E3, Netflix

Without some semblance of *perceived* control, one tends to spiral. There has been a lot of spiraling in my home lately.

Today, after chatting with a close friend, I realized all of the emotions and actions from the past week, for sure, and probably much longer, have come from a place of control – either a loss of it (my ex) or the freedom of finally having some again (me).

From my perspective, based on an 11 year history, my ex has a controlling personality. Hindsight is amazing and as I sit and think about our relationship over time, I see things with such clarity now. He uses manipulation and intimidation to gain control. He always has, I just never saw it. When he feels like he has lost control, the intimidation and manipulation reaches an all-time and, at times, scary high. This happened a couple of times this last week, and while it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, it was exactly what I needed in order to continue moving forward with the tedious task of legal separation. (Why, oh why must there be so many hoops to jump through?!)

But since I must, I will jump. Set boundaries need to exist.

My ex’s “boundaries” are so fluid that they’re practically non-existent. I thrive on having boundaries and I think people, in general, would tend to agree. Boundaries create a sense of safety and predictability. Without boundaries, it is much easier to lose control and, therefore, some bits of sanity are also lost.

And they also need to exist because he would like for us to get back together – and that is just not something I’m willing to do. Today my ex told me that couples have come back from “worse situations than ours.”

Really.

REALLY?! And what situation exactly is he having to come back from? Oh, oops! I messed up – I should say sorry to her. She has to forgive me. We have a daughter. We should keep our family unit together… Yep, he regrets his behavior. Feels awful. Apologize, show remorse, say you’re still in love. That’s all it should take for us to get back together. He thinks I’m the one throwing away the family because I will not give him a second chance. He would love for me to walk with him on his journey to becoming a better man and father. Because, he says, he has nobody to support him and doesn’t want to do this by himself. More guilt. More manipulation.

So I remind myself (constantly) that he chose this life. Actively. Intentionally. Willingly.

And let’s take a moment and look at what situation I am trying to overcome, shall we? I can count the people I blindly trust on less than one hand. He was one of them. He lied straight to my face, day in and day out, for almost a year. AND would’ve kept right on lying to me and doing his thing had he not been exposed by a woman (that he was seeing) and had disrespected one time too many. Not only did he lie, but, through his words and actions, he made me feel like an awful wife and an awful person practically every day. I was constantly reminded that I wasn’t enough. During the 8 weeks where I took care of him after he selfishly and stupidly made a move that ended in him crashing his dirt bike at a race, he was quite awful to me – awful enough that when his brother came to visit, he was so appalled he actually went home and told their mother about his behavior towards me.

I was emotionally beat down by him for a long time but for him to treat me that way WHILE he was cheating on me is just a whole other level of hurt. And then there’s the betrayal. And the selfishness. All the times he must’ve worked out of town for an extra day, or took a later flight, causing me just a bit more stress as I tried to manage life here as a single mom, just so that he could squeeze in a date before coming home… The multi-layered levels of heartbreak that his actions put me through, along with his behavior over the last 2 months, is enough to make me walk away feeling like it’s the best decision for all involved. There are some things that are just too great to overcome. “I’m sorry” will never be enough, especially when he makes comments that try to diminish the severity of his actions over the last year. (*eye roll* “Other couples have overcome worse than this.” What the ever loving hell kind of a comment is that?! He just has no clue the extent of his impact.)

While I fully recognize that this posting is definitely falling short, I am trying to be a compassionate person. I am trying to give him grace. I am trying so hard to understand his actions towards me. Perhaps he has issues that are so deeply rooted that he doesn’t even understand who he is and what he is doing. I can’t imagine that he does any of this intentionally. Or that he would purposefully manipulate and intimidate me. Or that he consciously plays the role of the victim in this situation. I think, perhaps, that’s all he knows, so in times of chaos, when he’s lost control, he resorts to the only behaviors he’s familiar with. Because I would’ve never married him if he wasn’t a good person. Somewhere in there, he is a good person. But I am no fool. Not anymore, at least. I know his problems aren’t mine to fix and they aren’t mine to accept any longer. I am now, finally, thinking clearly.

Well, for the most part. Some days are harder than others, though. Some days, I can’t help but get tangled up in the trap that his words weave. I allow myself to respond in anger or fear or sadness – emotions brought on by his attempts at manipulating me.

But those aren’t my true emotions. They’re simply knee-jerk responses to his words and actions. When I stop, take a step back, and really process, I no longer feel those emotions – at least not as intensely as I did at first.

Whether he does so intentionally or because it’s, sadly, all he knows, I will not let him control, manipulate, or intimidate me anymore. The reasons he behaves this way are not important. What is important, however, is that I am now in a place where his words no longer hold that kind of power over me.

So, I place my walls firmly up. I am trying to make clear boundaries, for the benefit of the both of us. For now, I will do what it takes to protect myself – to protect my heart. I will not allow myself to ever have the opportunity to experience such pain again.

Right now, I feel more empowered than I probably ever have. With proper boundaries in place, I have control back over my life. To finally feel like I’m no longer spiraling, that I have a sense of peace despite the stress of my current situation, is incredibly rewarding. The more my ex spirals, the more I focus in and process the immediate world around me. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, thinking about what exactly it is that I am doing and thinking about how I now view my world. I’ve had moments that I welcome, where I stop and really take it all in, analyze what I’m thinking and why exactly it is that I think it. I truly enjoy thinking deeply about what I’m thinking. It keeps me centered.

So, after lots of processing, I’ve come to a place where I am completely comfortable with my decisions – and my new interpretation of the world around me. My newfound understanding of the world that I want to live in.

My (ex) husband says he broke me. I’ve also said that myself. Now that I have done a fair amount of thinking about it, I don’t know that I’m so much broken, as I am completely transformed. I’m “unbecoming everything that isn’t me.” The way I think now is vastly different than it was just 65 days ago. Neither school of thought is wrong, either, it’s just different. And I’m quite comfortable with being different. I thrive on it. I seek it out. I want to buck the system and intentionally act out against convention. It’s more comfortable for me than trying to fit in society’s norms. “Normal” is nothing I’ve ever wanted to be.

Please read this carefully – it’s NOT wrong to go against mainstream society if that’s what brings you peace and happiness. It isn’t wrong to control your own moments in whatever way you see best for you.

I used to be a Type A planner, with a thousand set plans for tomorrow, next month, next year, 20 years from now…and, well, you get it. I had my map all planned out. And when random acts occurred, causing me to make a detour, it would seriously mess with my head.

Well, 2 months ago brought a serious detour. One that, really, led me straight off a cliff. The old me, the old way of thinking and obsessively planning, is gone. She’s just completely gone. And you know what? I have never felt more free. I’ve never felt like I’ve lived more authentically than I am right now.

I have more control over my life than I ever have before. I’ve really never thought more clearly about my decisions. I live for now. I make decisions based on how I feel now. There is no tomorrow. It simply doesn’t exist!

Guys! If I could ever convince you of anything, it is to live for this moment, right now, and nothing else. And to do so unapologetically. When you think about the future, you’re causing unnecessary stress in your life. You have absolutely zero control over what may come. But, you do have at least some control over right now. Getting lost in the past and romanticizing it or stressing about the future – it leaves you powerless! You can’t live in the happy memories of the past or change what awfulness happened yesterday. And surely, no matter how much you think you can plan for tomorrow, you just never know when a catastrophe will occur and derail everything.

So stop spiraling. Even if it’s a graceful spiral that you’re in. Live for today. Love this moment, right now. It’s the only genuine time in your life! And what a gift it is!

In order to fully embrace this moment, the one you’re in right now, you have to accept it. And that’s where it can get difficult. But what’s worse than accepting this moment is fighting against it. There is control in embracing what is and therefore, there is freedom in it.

This moment might suck. A lot. But by acknowledging it, embracing the suck, honoring the heck out of it, you remain in control – and free.

Find your freedom. Accept what is. And live the most authentic life you’ve ever lived.

Then tell me all about it. Because I always look forward to hearing your stories.