Chaos and Noise

Lately it’s been hard to feel fully present in my personal life. Professionally, I’m solid. Those kids have every ounce of my attention.

But personally…I don’t know. I feel tired. I’m so busy and all I do is run, it feels like. I run from one thing to another to another with everything scheduled right down to the minute.

And there’s so much noise in my head.

My thoughts are running full tilt. I want to live truly authentically, but damn, that’s really hard. I want to fully embrace Maya Angelou’s quote, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

But what if I don’t want to believe them? What if I want to see what I want to see? What if I know I’m making 34,000 excuses for them and their behavior?

Excuses. We all have them…

Goodness! It’s just So.Much.Noise.

It feels chaotic inside right now. I hear myself arguing with myself. I have contradictory thoughts all day long.

Sometimes I literally shake my head to try to clear it. No, really. I just did.

It doesn’t work.

I’m so tired.

I’ve been binge eating. And then I am left feeling simply dreadful.

And I feel so unsettled.

I need something to change things up…to give me a figurative shake. Nothing earth shattering like what happened 7 months ago now – oh, goodness, please nothing like that!

But… I do leave for Greece in 28 27 days. So there’s that.

I need that time. I’m craving this solo adventure more than ever.

I have hope that it will help to center me again. Because I need that. Desperately, at this point.

I feel like I’m sacrificing a piece of myself for an illusion of happiness. And…I just want to feel genuine happiness.

*sigh*

More importantly, I want to feel genuine.

It takes so much effort to be strong. Some of you know this all to well. It takes a ton of effort just to stay afloat. And then to run my business. Or to be a present and engaging mom.

Sometimes it feels as though I cannot breathe. So, all of this, and for so much more, I honestly can’t wait until I can run away. Just momentarily, though. I’ll be back, of course. My daughter is my world. My business fills my heart with joy. I just need a break.

Because…have I mentioned how loud it is in my head? It’s constant, guys. I feel at odds with myself, my actions, my thoughts…

This is not living authentically.

I feel like I’m barely hanging on right now.

Last night Two nights ago, I received a barrage of texts from my ex, blasting me for no reason, other than his own anger. It was completely unprovoked.

I’m still on edge from it.

Then it happened again tonight. Except this time, he decided to threaten both me and a friend of mine. It’s been 7 months. Seven months today, actually. When will his abuse stop?

And then there’s the big court date one week from today yesterday. We will stand before a judge for about 20 minutes and then become legally separated. Finally. 7 long months later. To be quite honest, I can’t wait for a judge to tell me that I can start putting this all behind me.

For now, though, I feel myself disconnecting. Retreating. Everything takes so much out of me. Friends call and I ignore their calls. I just can’t bring myself to engage in any lengthy conversation. Or try to summarize my thoughts. It’s just too much right now.

I wish I could fast forward to 10 years from now and take just a little peek at who I am. Who my daughter is. Man, I hope that she continues down this path that seems so incredible and bright.

I hope I don’t ruin her.

I know this sounds…umm, bleak, I suppose. I know it’s just part of the wave. I’m riding it – still. Perhaps I always will.

And guys, I still smile. It still reaches my eyes. I get excited and re-energized when I get to work with my kids. I am in love with my professional life and am grateful this is how I earn my living. My clients are nothing short of the best.

I have incredible people in my life who make me feel incredible things.

Overall, I am lucky.

Overall, the energy I put out is beautiful and, therefore, my life is beautiful.

And…I still have my days. I am still human. I still deal with threats and verbal and emotional abuse.

So, some days are exhausting.

And loud.

And oh, so terribly chaotic.

I suppose that’s the thing – life is noisy for all of us. But we all walk around, putting our best foot forward, showing our strongest side to the world. And because of that, nobody is vulnerable. So you feel devastatingly alone. The feeling of isolation is intense.

I know because that’s where I’ve been lately. I’ve been quiet, not writing in ages. Because, I guess, maybe for a while, I felt uncomfortable being so raw, so vulnerable. I was starting to drown again and to write about it made it too real. And I thought I was alone, in feeling like this.

I shared this (unfinished) blog with two people before I decided to finish it up tonight and publish it. They both said it resonated with them.

So, to write about it shows me that I am not alone in how I feel. Some of you also have a lot of noise in your heads that feels impossible to quiet. Some of you lead sharply scheduled lives, just like I do, running (literally) from “important thing” to “important thing.”

But are they all truly that important?

For a while, I got lost in the motions. There’s a song that a longtime friend shared with me a while ago and I can’t help but think of it now. It’s the song “Living,” by Dierks Bentley and the most impactful part of the song, to me is,

And it hit me
It’s a beautiful world sometimes I don’t see so clear

Some days you just breathe in
Just try to break even
Sometimes your heart’s poundin’ out of your chest
Sometimes it’s just beatin’
Some days you just forget
What all you’ve been given
Some days you just get by
And some days you’re just alive

That’s it. Lately, I feel like I’ve just been getting by. I’m alive. I’m breathing. But I’m running through the motions.

Therefore, I am not satisfied. Not really. Deep down something feels off. So I go back to what I said earlier – I think I am not living authentically.

So what’s the first step? There’s so much chaos, I don’t really know where to begin! Do I take the time to create a process so that I can hire somebody and start expanding my business? Do I stare the fear of failure in its face and begin writing the first words of my book? And what do I do with the barrage of texts from my ex that hit me like a gut punch at random times when I least expect it?

I guess I just keep breathing. And remember this part of the same song,

Some days you start singin’
And you don’t need a reason
Sometimes the world’s just right
Your clear eyes ain’t even blinkin’
Got a heart full of grateful
For all you’ve been given
Some days you just get by
Yeah some days you’re just alive
Some days you’re livin’

Livin’ like you’ll never die
Blue’s a little bluer up in the sky
You’re high’s a little high
You feel that fire you’ve been missin’
Some days you’re living

So, that’s where I end for today, I suppose. Focusing on gratitude. Because overall, life is pretty incredible. And I’m more than grateful for this journey, for placing me exactly where I am today.

Through the chaos and noise, I’m going to try to refocus my energy so that I can feel that fire that I’ve been missing lately.

Today, right now, I’m choosing to truly live. Again. I’m chasing that fire and am in hot pursuit of authenticity. Because living disingenuously just sucks way too much life out of me.

I’m done being merely alive. Today, I’m living. Who’s with me?!