Grace Sucks

I wrote last night, about how I want to behave with grace towards my ex. And then, right there in that very blog (that I thankfully didn’t publish), I was not extending an ounce of it. All the proof was staring back at me, letters strewn across my computer screen, in black and white, about how I want to give grace, yet, in the very same paragraph, I was still bringing up the past. That isn’t giving grace. That is me holding on to my baggage, refusing to let it all go, allowing it to control me, and still playing the part of victim.

So, this post will hopefully be shorter. And if it’s not sweet, I’m not publishing this one either.

The world is exactly how we paint it. People are exactly how we choose to see them. For years, I chose to see my ex in a negative light, focusing in on anything he did that evoked a negative or anxious feeling. But he’s so much more than that. He’s funny. The life of a party. He can bring a smile to anyone’s face during any given moment. Last week, during our divorce hearing, he made the judge laugh. And he made me laugh, too.

I’m done hating him. Everything that happened is in the past and I’m at the point where I can truly forgive him for it. And I can move forward. Finally.

Now that we’re divorced, the marriage “dissolved,” it doesn’t matter what he did. It doesn’t matter what we both did, leading up to it. On my death bed, I’m sure I won’t think about how angry, sad, hurt, etc I was at some point in my life. I’ll look back at my life, as a whole, and think how beautiful and filled with love it truly was. Because it is. I’m super lucky.

So, that’s what I am choosing to focus on.

I am loved.

My ex has a good soul.

So, here we are. I’m grateful for my experiences. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having taken every single step on this journey. My path has been interesting. It’s been filled with so much pain. And in that pain, there has been incredible beauty. So, to me, now, at least, it’s all been worth it. So why not show some grace towards my ex for it?

To be perfectly honest, though, giving grace sucks. It’s hard.

And it’s exactly what I want to do. For myself and my daughter. When this whole journey began, well over 7 months ago, my plan was to behave with class and grace. Well, that was quite impossible for me for way too long. I had zero desire to extend grace or to conduct myself with even an ounce of class. I had a long list of excuses and validations…but don’t we all?

So, here I am today. From deep within my heart, I want to live with grace, though that might be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I’m choosing to forgive. I’m letting it all go.

It’s time for me to truly move forward. The only way I can do that is to release the baggage I’ve been holding onto like my life has depended on it. I’m not a victim. I am strong. Valuable. Incredible. It’s time I begin to act like that, rather than continue to hang on to the hurt.

Because by hanging on to the hurt, I’m telling myself, and projecting to the world, that I deserve to be treated as nothing more than the broken individual that I am.

Well, screw that!

I am not broken. Shit happened. Shit happens to everyone.

It’s time to focus in on the good.

My ex is good. There’s beauty in my history. And giving grace is both challenging and rewarding.

Tonight I’ve cried a lot. I’m sure my eyes will betray me tomorrow. There’s a deep sadness in my heart for how I treated my ex over the last 6 or 7 years, and especially the last 7 or so months.

There’s not a whole lot I can do about any of that…except move forward in love, grace, and forgiveness (for both him and myself).

I’m letting everything go. And focusing on what truly matters. One breath at a time.

I am in control of this life. I am in control of my responses. I am in control of my choices.

And, while at times it truly does suck because it’s hard as hell, I am finally choosing to give grace. He deserves it. And my soul requires it.